


i was just trying to survive the night

by icantdowithoutyou (asofterkit)



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Development, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:27:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 178,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23685412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asofterkit/pseuds/icantdowithoutyou
Summary: Night time scenes from the beginning of Ben and Callum's relationship.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 338
Kudos: 540





	1. 1st-3rd October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum go for a walk and return to the park where it all started. The following night they go to a party at the Vic but all they really want is a chance to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is spread over two nights, the first following on from Callum coming out in the Vic (01.10.19) and the second is the night of Bex's party (03.10.19).
> 
> Slightly canon divergent in that Ben isn't carrying Kheerat's sunglasses around with him everywhere he goes. 
> 
> **Warnings:** Alcohol consumption and smut towards the end of the chapter.

_**Oct 1st, 10.02pm, the park** _

It’s not cold, or if it is, Ben can’t feel it because Callum is sitting so close that there’s barely a whisper between them. He could reach out and touch him if he wanted to, there’s nothing to stop him now; there’s nothing to stop him but he can’t bring himself to move.

Earlier in the night, Callum text asking to meet him in the park, said he wanted to clear his head and he was sorry it was so late but he had to get out of the flat. Ben thought he could handle whatever might happen tonight but he wasn't ready for this; sitting in silence with Callum with no idea what to say. He feels sick to his stomach, actually he feels like he just got away with something, something big, something that wouldn’t just get him put away for years but would ruin his whole life. He’s felt it before, he never thought he’d feel it now with Callum at his side, not after everything they've already been through.

The last time they were in this park at this table Callum was telling him that nothing was ever going to happen between them and the time before that Callum was standing in between his legs, kissing him deep, touching him like he hadn’t been touched in years. And tonight anything could happen but he's stalling. He looks down at his hands resting on his legs, they feel too heavy to lift.

"It's a full moon tonight." Callum says quietly, almost to himself.

"Just like last time."

“What?” Callum huffs out the word.

“I mean.. I—" _Fuck._ It’s too soon to show his hand. Before he was chasing, sometimes licking his wounds but now there’s a truce, a new beginning. Now he really needs to watch his words.

“I didn’t think you’d remember. I thought.. I didn’t want to let myself believe—“

_That it meant as much to you as it did to me._

"’Course I remember.” He feels Callum turn to look at him so he keeps staring down at his hands to avoid his gaze. He wants to say, _That night, that night changed everything, meant everything_. Callum’s still looking at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. He's probably hoping Ben will tell him he remembers every detail, every gasp, every word of the night they spent here on this very bench. He knows if he looks, he won’t survive his eyes so he takes a deep breath and starts again, “‘Course I remember. I ain't ever been one to appreciate the night sky before but it took on a whole new meaning to me after seeing how the moonlight illuminated your--"

"Ben!"

"I was gonna say "face"! Your face looked beautiful in the moonlight."

"Were you really gonna say "face"?"

"Nah."

"God, Ben!"

"What? It ain’t my fault you have a massive, beautiful--"

“Seriously, Ben!” Callum cups Ben’s face and guides him to look at him. “Enough, alright?”

“Enough, ey? Well, so long as we’re reminiscing, that’s not what you were saying that ni--“

Callum closes the gap between them and presses a soft kiss to Ben’s lips, so gentle, feather soft. Callum kisses him tenderly, actually, he kisses him like he’s something worthy of tenderness. He starts slow, kisses Ben once, twice, three times then pulls back, licks his lips and sinks into Ben with his hands either side of his face to hold him still. He kisses Ben into a trance, kisses him until he doesn’t know where he is, until he can’t remember what came before. It had been years since anyone had kissed him like this before that night they shared. He starved all summer for more of this, this yielding. He could do this all night, he wants to.

Ben stays, lingering in the space in between the kiss and the cold park long after Callum pulls away until he hears his voice.

"Everyone knows."

"Yeah,” Ben breathes.

They both laugh, a release of nervous energy no doubt, but it hangs heavy in the air between them and they fall silent again. But it doesn't feel like silence. It feels like the whole universe is at their feet. It's almost unbearable.

"God, sorry." Callum blurts out.

“Sorry? Why?”

“My stomach keeps rumbling.”

"You're sorry for being hungry?"

"I ain't eaten anything since… this morning. Oops."

"Come on." Ben hops to his feet and extends a hand to Callum but he doesn’t move.

"I don't wanna go."

Ben's heart skips a beat. He doesn’t either.

“It’s ok. We're coming back."

Ben goes into Beale’s to get them both chips and Callum lingers outside. He turns to catch a glimpse of him and sees Callum staring. It makes his body sing, it feels so good to have the person you could watch all day staring at your back.

Callum doesn't say a word on the walk back to the park, like maybe he doesn't want to be overheard because this is just about them and his words are for Ben only. Or maybe that's just what Ben wants to believe. Everyone thinks they know him apart from Callum, only Callum wants to be alone with him and find out who he really is; the thought makes something catch in Ben’s throat.

Ben sits cross legged on the table part of the park bench while Callum rests his feet on the seat part.

“Would you call this another _non date_?” Callum asks, sarcasm in his voice.

“Nah, I think we finally nailed it this time, don’t you?”

"The moon, the company.. I couldn't ask for more." Ben doesn't know what to say. "That night we.. I tried so hard to block it out."

"But you couldn't."

"Nah."

"Cos you realised it’s what you were born to do."

"Actually, I couldn't stop thinking about the way you…” Callum sighs, “About the way you kissed me goodnight. I said I had to go, I-- I was panicking. I thought that was wonderful and it-- it felt so great but, God, what have I done? You know?”

“Mm-hm.” Ben nods but he’s suddenly feeling the cold.

“And then you, you said my name, actually you whispered it," he huffs out a breath like he still can't believe it, "and you grabbed my jacket and pulled me towards you and it was like it was just us and the moon, ya know?"

He turns to Ben for confirmation and he nods again.

"And you kissed me. Nobody had ever-- It was so perfect, I could have stood there and kissed you until morning if you hadn't pulled away."

"You had to go." Ben winces, the memory still stings.

"Yeah." He smiles and shakes his head. "You knew I was on edge and you were so-- so gentle. I thought they'll never get it, they'll never understand that whatever else you've done, you will always also have done that.”

Ben swallows down everything he wants to say and it feels like swallowing broken glass.

"Finish your chips."

"Oh! I forgot all about ‘em."

"I do tend to have that effect on men." Callum laughs but it's a polite laugh. He needs to hear the truth. Ben owes him that much. "I didn't want you to go. I er… I kissed you so you'd stay."

"I nearly did, I should have.”

"Yeah, well, you're here now, ain't ya?"

“Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

“Right, so eat your chips.”

Callum laughs, properly laughs and bumps his shoulder into Ben’s and this is it, the perfect first date. He should tell him he’s proud of him and so impressed but it all feels too much under the same moon as that night in June and he doesn't trust his voice not to shake even if he could think of the right thing to say. And yet, at the same time, it feels as if his chest might burst if he doesn’t do _something_. All this pushing and pulling inside him like there's a storm in his ribcage and he has to sit perfectly still and pretend he's not drowning in it.

But Callum leaning against him feels good, feels right, so he follows his lead, uncrosses his legs and shuffles closer, hooks his foot behind Callum’s leg and interlinks their arms together. As the silence lingers on, Ben realises that actually he could feel completely at ease here, if he let himself. It's as if all he needs after so much heartache is to just let the soft animal of his body curl up close to Callum and rest. Maybe it doesn't matter that he can't find the words or that he doesn't know where they're going. Maybe this is the answer. Maybe it's just about being held.

"I don't wanna be the one to say it but it is freezing out here now.” Callum says, softly.

“Mm?”

Callum laughs lightly and strokes his fingers through Ben's hair.

“I said it’s freezing, I think we should probably go.”

“I know, I heard you the first time, I just wanted a few more seconds.” Ben waits but Callum doesn't say anything. "Come on, you're right, it's bloody freezing."

"I know. I just wanted a few more seconds."

Callum untangles himself and stands up. He throws an arm around Ben’s shoulders as they walk out of the park and pulls him closer when they pass a group of people in a palpably possessive way, his head held high and his fingers gripping Ben's shoulder. It's an unexpected but beautiful act of defiance and Ben has nothing but respect for it, for him. It's also hot as fuck and by the time they get to his flat, Ben body burns with desire.

“Callum,” he whispers his name like a prayer he hopes will be answered but which he wants to offer up regardless. He wants him to know he's so in awe of him, wants him to feel how he feels inside.

Callum looks down at him and Ben looks up to meet his eye, Ben would be lying if he said the height difference between them didn't make his heart race. Callum half walks, half drags Ben down the lane that runs alongside the parlour. He takes a moment to look at Ben and then knocks him against the wall with a deep, hungry kiss.

They’re so good at this, all of this. Good at arguing, good at talking, good at holding each other gently under the full moon, good at tearing into each other in dark spaces. After all these months he never dared believe it would be this easy. It makes him want to run but he can’t, he can’t because Callum is pinning him against the wall and he hasn’t been drinking, says he knows what he’s getting himself into, says he wants this. This isn’t like the night Callum kissed him in the kitchen and he had to take him home and put him down on Paul’s old bed and walked away, alone. This won't end with him choking on a stranger’s tongue in the corner of the club. No, he’s allowed to have this, he’s allowed to be here tonight, this kiss is not another petty theft.

And fuck if he just lets himself think it then yes, if he dares to admit to himself how he feels then, _yes_ , he loves how big Callum is, how he can take him over with a knee between his thighs and his hands on his neck. Hidden away from the world in the darkness, it's just them, nothing else exists. Just like the first time. Ben slips his arms around Callum's waist and grasps the back of his shirt to keep upright because he feels like he might fall if he doesn’t. Callum shifts and Ben feels him hard against his hip so he pulls him closer and they move together until Ben is on his toes. Anticipation bubbles just beneath the surface until finally they connect, a burst of pleasure lights up the lane as Callum's hard dick presses against his own but it's brief, too brief. He throws his arms around Callum's thick neck instead but they keep missing each other, keep bumping and slipping and fuck he just wants to take him home, just wants to feel his hands on his skin.

Callum moans softly, little more than a sigh and Ben wants more than anything to tear him down, to hear him out loud. His thoughts cloud when Callum bites his bottom lip and grinds their bodies together and he could come like this, he just needs another minute, just needs to let go. And he thinks that if he could let go, if they could find that moment of ecstasy in the dark and cold then they could go back to where they started and find their way from there. He rolls his hips and Callum presses back double hard and it feels good, so good.

Suddenly Callum stops kissing him back and the world comes rushing back.

"What..?"

"Shh.."

Callum turns his face to listen to something Ben can't hear at first and then he catches it. _Love, love will tear us apart again._

Callum pulls away fast enough that Ben feels like he's falling.

"Shit. Sorry, uh.. That's Stuart."

"What? It's Joy Division, innit?"

"No, I mean Stu's ringing me. I have a ringtone just for him.” Ben tilts his head, trying to fathom the words. “Don’t start, Ben.”

He lifts his hands in surrender, “I weren’t!”

Callum answers and promises to be up in a minute and starts running his fingers through his hair and pulling at his shirt. His lips are swollen and God, he looks so fucking hot.

He hangs up and looks up at Ben from under his dark lashes.

"I have to go.”

“I gathered.”

“Stu don’t believe we’re on a walk.”

“To be fair, I’m one of the people on the walk and I don't really believe it.”

“I’d… I’d invite you…” he points up, “but er..”

“Uncle Fester,” Ben laughs but Callum just squeezes his arm, all sincerity and reassurance.

“Tonight was fun.”

“Yeah, it was.” Ben leans against the wall at his back and grazes his fingers over his half hard dick.

“Don’t," Callum snaps.

“Shit, I— Sorry. Joke.“

“No, not that. Honest. I’ve just really gotta go and that, that makes it even more difficult.” Callum licks his lips and looks down at Ben, his face half disappeared in shadow but his gaze still burns. It makes Ben feel brave.

“Hey, uh, tomorrow, Bex’s party in the Vic, I’m going with Jay and Lola, wanna come with us?”

“Yeah, yeah I do. I mean, I was going with Stu but I’d rather go with you guys.”

“See you outside? 6.30?” Callum nods and leans back in for a kiss but Ben stops him with a firm hand on his chest. “If we start that again..”

Callum takes Ben’s wrist and moves his hand away then kisses him softly. “Goodnight, Ben,” he whispers.

“Goodnight, Callum.”

Ben watches him go inside and stands, bereft, in the dark street. He walks home in a daze, grabs a beer on his way in the house and goes straight to his room. He turns on the TV to fill the void and sits on the edge of his bed. Fuck.

He pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket and hates how his heart skips when he sees 3 new message notifications. One’s from Jay. Two are from Callum.

_Goodnight Ben_

_See you tomorrow_

He can’t help but smile. _Goodnight Callum,_ he replies.

He throws his phone down, takes off his shoes, jacket, jeans and crawls under the duvet. It’s an old movie on TV that he doesn’t recognise but he turns the volume up anyway and retrieves his beer.

His phone buzzes. Callum again, _Sleep well_

Ben puts his bottle on his bedside table and falls into his pillows. He agonises over his reply, goes with, _Sleep well x_ and then waits, his heart in his mouth like a fucking kid dating for the first time.

_You too x_

He laughs and fires back with, _You already said that x_

_Oops! Thanks for spending time with me tonight x_

He wants to try, he wants to at least come close to saying what he really wishes he could say. _You’re welcome thanks for asking me xx_

He sees Callum typing and then nothing so he throws his phone again and lies in the flickering light of the television, his whole body electric. This was worth the wait, it was, this could be good. His mind wanders to Callum’s hands, his mouth. He picks up his phone just as a message comes through.

_There’s nobody else I wanted to see tonight xx_

Ben types, _Me neither xx_ and quickly turns his phone off. He curls up on his side, squeezes his eyes shut and holds himself tight until his heart stops racing. Sometimes getting everything you want is fucking terrifying.

There’s no way he’s going to sleep tonight.

**_October 2nd, 6.34pm, Bex’s Party_ **

Seeing Callum waiting for him outside his local like it's ordinary, like all those months where Callum pushed him away didn't happen, stops Ben dead in his tracks. He's a little late and apparently Jay and Lola are too but that's the least of his worries. He decides to walk into the Square gardens and take a breath before going over to him. He watches Callum for a minute or so; he's just standing, staring at his phone, waiting patiently for Ben like he waited for him.

Part of him wants to run over to him but he holds back. He stands, waiting for Callum while Callum waits for him.

“Callum, mate!” Ben jumps slightly at Jay’s voice and turns to see him and Lola.

Callum looks up and waves at them, slips his phone in his pocket and pulls Jay into a hug before bending down for Lola to kiss him on the cheek. It pulls at something deep inside Ben watching them. Lola swipes away a trace of her lipgloss from Callum's face and he says something that makes her laugh. They like him. It hits him then that they've known Callum longer than he has and they had no idea that Ben knows him better than anyone.

He starts walking towards them before he's even thought it through, his body making decisions his head isn't ready for. Callum spots him before the others and his heart knocks hard against his chest when Callum smiles, all sunshine and dimples, so unabashedly happy to see him.

"Aww! Look at you two!" Lola says, maybe trying to ease the tension that Ben has brought with him.

"Alright, Lo, chill." Ben says, trying to deflect but he feels heat rising in his face.

Callum claps him on the arm and Ben returns his smile. Yesterday he was telling Callum to kiss him in front of everyone, today he doesn't know what to do.

Jay turns to Ben, "Can we get in there and get a drink now, please. I've been doing bloody filing all day."

Jay shares a look with Callum and they both crack up before heading inside the Vic, Lola following and Ben trailing behind. He's out for the evening with his family and the bloke he's seeing like he could have had this all along. Like they're really all just going to hang out at a party and act like all those years of loneliness were for nothing. Like all that pain was a choice. Like everyone just expects him to know how to do this because he should have been doing it all along.

“Orange juice and two beers. Ben.” Lola puts both hands on Ben’s shoulders and the world snaps back into focus. “Orange with ice for me, beers for you boys. We’ll find a table.”

“You ain’t drinking?”

“Not yet, night's still young, innit?" 

Her words send a chill through his body. "Yeah. S'pose you're right."

"Let's just have a good time tonight, yeah? It'll be a laugh." Ben nods. "Alright, drinks, then come find us, ok?”

"First round's on me, is it?"

"Seems that way, don't it?"

Ben watches her go join the others. Callum’s already chatting to Jay, his back half turned to him. He orders a shot and downs it at the bar before carrying the drinks over.

"I can't believe Bex is going to Oxford." Lola says.

"I can, she's a nerd."

"Ben!"

"What? She is!" Ben turns to Callum, "It's just the facts."

Callum rolls his eyes but at the same time presses his knee into Ben's in what feels like a silent act of reassurance that he's there, he's with him. He can have his defences but he doesn’t need them. It's almost too much to bear. Lola says something but Ben keeps looking at Callum, keeps soaking in the heat of his body, his blue, blue eyes. Callum puts his hand on Ben’s back like an anchor, like he knows there's nothing he can do to save him from drowning but he can at least hold him still.

They keep talking, making jokes, messing around, but it’s all about the way Callum’s hand brushes against his, the way their knees bump, the press of their thighs. This he knows, this he can do, he just needs to focus on the two of them.

They abandon their table as the pub fills up. Jay and Lola perch on bar stools but Ben stands close to Callum. They place hands on each other under the pretence of it making it easier to hear the other over the music but really they're just desperate to be touching. Callum's lips brush against Ben's ear every time he whispers something so even the most mundane conversation is a thrill.

“Hey Ben,” Lola says, “you like this one, don’tcha?”

"You what?" Ben asks.

"This song, you like it, I know you do."

Callum’s eyes widen and he listens intently to the music. _So much to learn about you_. Ben’s stomach flips.

“Yeah, I don’t mind it.”

“Don’t mind it? I seen you dancing to it on repeat!”

“When? We ain’t lived together in--”

“--What? Weeks? Come on, Ben. What’s it called? I know it but I can’t remember the name for the life of me.”

Callum smiles wide, “I know. It’s Elton John. _Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting._ Hey, you told me you ain’t really into dancing.”

Jay chokes on his drink. “He what?! Nah, he’s East London’s answer to Billy Elliot, this one. Don’t believe the lies, mate."

Callum’s mouth twitches, that half smile, the slight nod, like he should have known the joke was on him all along. He looks like he’s going to say something but then there’s nothing to say. Fuck.

Ben takes Callum's beer bottle from his hand and puts it down on the bar then waits for him to meet his eye, which he does because that is who Callum is.

“Fancy a dance?”

Callum smiles that sunshine smile, like all Ben has to do is reach out and it’s enough to make him brim with happiness. It scares him, this power he holds. And he called him needy, didn’t he? He didn’t mean it, it isn’t neediness, it’s sweetness; actually, it’s sincerity. It’s everything he likes him for. It makes his heart ache, it terrifies him.

“Yeah, I do. Yeah.” Callum nods vigorously and pulls Ben towards him and they sway in time to the music.

Lola says something and Callum responds and Ben turns to her, smiles, but doesn’t take it in, doesn’t take anything in but Callum’s hands, his chest, the way the two of them fit together.

Callum lets him go when the song ends and they find another table, turns out every round is on Ben tonight but he doesn’t care. It gives him a chance to stand at the bar and look back at Callum laughing loud at Lola’s jokes, leaning in to talk to Jay. It makes it real, watching them all together, this thing with Callum is sitting out in the open for everyone to see and the world’s still spinning. He tries not to think about the last time he stood here on a night like this, tries not to see Paul waiting for him, pouting with his empty beer bottle as if Ben would ever drag his feet in getting back to him. He orders another shot and then another just to settle his nerves.

He watches as Lola and Callum fall into each other giggling and sees Jay wander over to Stuart before hugging him. Suddenly they're all great friends and he's on his own, trying to get drunk without anyone noticing. He orders one more shot but it doesn't even burn. Callum is just over there but he can’t reach him. They were dancing earlier, last night they were everything and just as quick he’s alone and lost in his own local.

Callum must feel him looking because he turns to Ben and starts moving towards him without so much as a word to Lola, like Ben is all that matters.

“Alright?” Callum says, squeezing Ben’s arm.

Ben wants to say _no, I want you to hold me, I want you to take me home, I just want to be in your arms. I’m so fucking tired_. Then he takes a deep breath and thinks of a compromise.

“D'you fancy another dance?”

Callum doesn’t answer, just takes Ben’s hands, interlaces their fingers and starts to sway him in time to the music. Callum draws him close and Ben discovers that he can bury his face in the crook of Callum's neck and breathe him in and, fuck, if only he could stay here for the rest of the night. He feels hidden away, kept safe, as if Callum’s broad chest is all there is. He could rest here forever. The music, the pub, nothing exists but his heartbeat, his heat, this surrendering. It’s that quick. All it takes is his hands on his body for nothing else to matter. Callum is the remedy.

Callum lets go of one of his hands and presses his palm to the small of Ben's back and heat radiates through his body in waves through his stomach, down his legs. He breathes deep and it's all Callum, his whole body given over, given up. Callum grips him tighter, the pressure of his hand on his back feels like he could break him open but he's holding him together instead, for now. But Ben could break apart, he could, he could dissolve at this touch, at his breath on the back of his neck.

Ben pulls away because he's losing control, not because he wants to. That’s a life lesson he learned early on; ruin the moment before it’s ruined. Except when he looks up at Callum he sees that his lips are parted, his eyes are heavy lidded and Ben’s resolve weakens; he tilts his face and lets his eyes fall closed and Callum kisses him, gentle and soft. It feels just like the first time that night in June. Kissing Callum is electric, like the way you always imagined kissing would be before you tried it for the first time.

Someone claps Ben on the back and in an instant he’s aware of the music, the lights. Shit.

“Alright you two, you ain't forgotten you're in a pub, have ya?” Ben turns and sees Jay. 

Callum laughs and lets go of Ben and standing there without his touch just feels wrong. Whatever’s between them is there all the time but it sparks when they kiss, crackles when they touch. That night in the park was intense beyond words and beyond measure. He just wants to go home and surrender to whatever it is that's between them, sacrifice their bodies to it again. They nearly got there last night and maybe he shouldn’t push so soon but this is what he knows how to do. If he just had a starting point, then maybe he wouldn’t feel like he was standing on the edge of a tall building even in his local.

They sit back at the group table but Lola and Jay quickly get too wrapped up in each other to notice them.

"Last night.." Ben starts, he's been rehearsing this all day and now he can't find the words. "Did I-- did I--" _fuck_ "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Oh, yeah, I mean, I had fun! Thank you for the chips."

"I err.. I was talking about what happened just before you left."

"Ah, right. I mean, there ain't really anything to say, to be honest with ya. Stuart was waiting for me and it was just a lot after, you know, everything." Callum gestures towards the spot where his dad ended up laid out on the floor.

"Fuck, sorry. I didn't mean to push you."

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I just-- I don't regret that night we -- I just didn't want--" his face flushes bright red and he looks down at his feet.

"Don't want to make a habit of shagging in public places?"

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it," he laughs. "And I thought if Stu's ringing me, next thing he'll be out looking for me and you know, it's one thing coming out, it's another having your brother seeing you actually--"

"--oh, please, Callum, do not put that image in my head."

"Anyway, it's different now, ain't it?"

"Yeah." Part of Ben wants to ask what's different but part of him is scared of the answer, so he doesn't.

"But that don't mean I'm not, you know, interested."

"Oh?" Ben runs his hand along Callum's thigh and then is struck by the realisation that he left their order sitting on the bar. “Fuck."

“What?” Callum asks, panic in his voice.

“No, nothin'. Just.. I left our drinks, totally forgot about 'em after our dance.”

“Oh!" Callum sighs deeply, "Well, it was a good dance, if I do say so myself.”

“It was.” Ben leans in, “We’re er… we’re pretty good at _dancing_.” Callum’s face starts to flush and he reflexively licks his lips. “Come on, let me get you a beer.”

They sink another beer at the bar. It's a relief to Ben to have something to do with his hands. Everything he says seems like the wrong thing or the stupid thing and he just wants to swallow it all down. Maybe it was too soon for this, all of this. 

Lola and Jay push their way over to the bar and say they're leaving, both staying at Jay's tonight since Kathy has Lexi. Lola kisses Ben on the cheek first and then Callum. Jay follows her lead and kisses Ben with a loud smack but stops short at Callum and pats him on the shoulder instead, it’s like it's their first in-joke. They already like Callum, Ben knew that already, but it's more than that, they like the idea of who Ben could be _with_ Callum. He’s not stupid, he gets it.

Callum watches them go and stares down at his hands when he turns back to Ben. How many times have they been alone with this thing between them in a crowded pub? Except now anything could happen, this thing that has crackled and sparked for months has finally been set ablaze. Everything Ben thinks to say is either too big to say out loud or seems pointless in the wake of this heat.

“Stu’s back is turned.”

“Huh?”

“Stuart’s not looking and when he does look he’ll see we’re stood here alone... and he _will_ join us.”

Ben grabs his jacket and pushes Callum along the bar and towards the door, “Come on!”

They burst out of the Vic and end up in the Square gardens, hidden from sight, hidden enough for Callum to put his hands on Ben’s face and draw him into a long, deep kiss. Ben feels thrown like he doesn’t know how they got here. Seconds ago he was trying to remember how to have a conversation and now he’s being kissed and everything makes sense again. Callum pulls away when someone yells goodnight to their friends and laughs, almost to himself like he can’t believe any of this either.

“Wanna come back to mine?” Ben’s voice comes out in a whisper. “Just for a beer. It's still early.” Still early if you can call close to midnight early.

“Ain’t you at your dad's?”

“Nah, I'm at my brother's. Moved back this morning.”

Callum licks his lips like he’s tasting the kiss and nods. “Yeah, yeah let's go to yours.”

Ben lets them through the backdoor at his and listens for a moment but is met with quiet meaning everyone is already in bed.

“Beer, yeah?”

“Oh, no. I’m not thirsty. That’s not why I—” Callum bites his lip and falls quiet.

The silence rings in Ben's ears, he’s never lost for words, even when he is he can blag it but here we go again. He clears his throat, shakes his head, tries to come back to the moment, tries to get back some control but everything’s blurry. He feels lost in his own kitchen. 

“Do you, er… do you wanna go sit--“ he points in the direction of the living room and Callum nods.

Callum settles on the sofa as Ben puts on a lamp. 

“So you dance,” Callum whispers.

“Oh, you have only just scratched the surface,” Ben whispers back as he settles down beside him. They both laugh, easy, natural but then silence falls again. It feels like whiplash.

Callum shifts uncomfortably “Can I ask you something? Did you--” He squeezes his eyes shut. “It don’t matter.”

“What?”

Callum takes a deep, deep breath and steadies himself with a hand on the arm of the sofa. “Did you… did you go home with, on our date, that bloke…” he sighs and drags his hand over his face. “Just forget it, sorry. It's none of my business.”

“I told him to get lost, I got very drunk and I went home to bed.” He waits but Callum doesn’t say anything. “By myself.”

“I kept thinking about you and him.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It made me feel sick.” Ben's heart sinks. Fuck. He’s not ready for this, any of this. Not this conversation, not the truth that he can hurt him so easily already. He reaches out and cups Callum's face to try and draw him back, back into the heat. “So nothing happened.. nothing but the kiss? I-- I have no right to ask, I know. We ain’t exclusive. I just--”

“Nothing happened. That weren’t even a proper kiss. This is a proper kiss...”

Ben tilts his face towards Callum and he leans in and kisses him, hesitant at first but it quickly deepens. Ben pulls back to search his face but finds himself being held still and kissed again. It’s good, Callum tastes of beer and all Ben can do is grab handfuls of his shirt to keep holding on. Somewhere, something deep inside Ben wants to tell him he's sorry but another part of him stands by what he did and even now that part of him wants to push Callum away and tell him to get out but it gets quieter with every brush of Callum's fingertips against his jaw.

God, he could get so lost. He wants to.

The thought jolts him back and he tries to pull back again but Callum follows and wraps his arms around him, holds him close. Every slide of his tongue, the strength in his arms, his big hands occupying Ben’s back, the press of his chest; it leaves him breathless. Has he ever wanted someone more? No, it’s not want, is it? It’s need. He needs him.

Ben breaks the kiss and manages to breathe out a single word, “Upstairs..”

“I thought— I thought we should wait, I wanted this time to be proper. It's why I stopped us last night but as soon as I was in the flat I thought, why've I done that?"

"You know I would've been there in a heartbeat if you'd told me."

"I know. It's why I didn't."

Ben feels a pang of guilt. “We'll wait, let's just have that beer.”

“That's the thing, I don’t think I can.” Callum whispers, low, but Ben still catches the tremble in his voice. “You told me to listen to my heart.”

Callum makes the first move, dragging Ben with him as he stands.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. Are you?”

“Yeah.”

They make it to the stairs but Callum turns suddenly as Ben makes the first landing, too fast for him to react and pushes him into the wall, pinning him there, and it makes his body sing and spark. He kisses his neck while one hand cups his jaw and when he relinquishes his hold, Ben grabs his hand and pulls him the rest of the way to his room.

Four months of waiting and finally Ben is closing the door. The curtains open, the moonlight streaming in, it's just like that night in June only this time, this time belongs to them alone. That's all tonight really was, just a dance around this, this all they really wanted to be doing. All summer long spent aching for this. All the awkward conversations and heavy silences were symptoms of their desire.

Still kissing, hands everywhere Ben manages to get his boots off and Callum kicks off his trainers; shirts next then belt buckles. They fall on the bed half undone. Callum pulls Ben's jeans off and throws them, just like that night, it was Callum who went for his jeans, Callum who pulled his shirt open until he could get his hands inside, Ben woke this in him, he knows he did.

Down to just boxers and Callum on top, hands everywhere and it feels like a relief, Callum's weight on top of him, like this is what he needed to be able to breathe deeply.

“Is this ok? Your injury..” Callum’s fingers trace the dressing on Ben’s chest.

“Yeah, I can handle a bit of pain.”

With the bed just a little bigger than a single and one side pushed against the wall there’s not much room, something that every hookup has made difficult but not Callum, he takes up the space like it’s his and Ben can only submit.

Callum pulls Ben's boxers down and then his own and this newfound confidence is what Ben saw in him even before he saw it in himself. Anyone who thinks he brings out the worst in Callum should see him now.

That night in June, Callum spat in his palm and took Ben in his hand, stroked him slow, maddeningly slow, like they had all the time in the world, kissed him half insane and slipped fingers inside his shirt and made his toes curl in his boots. Whispered _Been thinking about this. Been thinking about how you’d look_. like it might come as a surprise, as if Ben had thought of anything else since they met that day in the pub.

Tonight, Callum pulls the same first move, spits and strokes Ben wet and slow. He’s half on top of him, half resting on the bed. Ben is too moonstruck to move, held in Callum’s steady gaze, fingers tangling uselessly in the bed sheets. But he wants more, needs more.

“Come here…” Ben breathes.

Callum moves over him slowly, reverentially, his eyes lighting on the dressing on Ben’s chest again but still he doesn’t hesitate, like he trusts that Ben can take this; he doesn’t need to ask twice. He won’t withhold what Ben needs just because it might hurt.

Callum kneels over Ben and finds his wrists to bring them over his head where he pins them tightly. He leans down and kisses Ben slowly, so slowly, his knees either side of Ben’s thighs, holding him still.

Callum moves until they’re connected, his hard dick sliding against Ben's and fuck, it's perfect, there’s nothing else but skin on skin, fingers digging in, sharing one breath. Ben hooks a foot over Callum’s leg and arches his back to feel his broad chest. Callum rocks his hips and the friction is heaven, not even kissing now, just gasping into each other’s mouths. Callum’s lips slip then from his mouth to his jaw, his cheek, his throat. Ben held fast by the opinion that if it wasn’t fucking, he wasn’t interested but tonight Callum’s body, his hard dick against his own; it's a revelation.

Callum pushes harder, drives Ben into the mattress and the bed creaks beneath them. Ben can’t move, can barely breathe, can’t feel his fingertips. He is overthrown, captive and he comes hard, yells out only for Callum to save him from himself with a kiss. Callum moaning into his mouth sends shockwaves rolling through him. It’s quick, too quick but this time they actually have all night so he goes with it, lets himself relax.

Callum lets go his wrists and Ben instinctively wraps his arms around him and keeps him close, not ready to let go. Callum slides one knee between Ben’s legs, giving him some space to move and catch his breath but Ben doesn’t want to breathe, doesn’t want to feel the air between them. Callum shifts enough so that he can cup Ben’s face and kisses him all sweet and soft then strokes his damp hair away from his face and traces the line of his jaw with his thumb.

“Look at you.” He breathes. Callum gazes at him and he gazes back, entranced.

Ben is overcome, he just wants to keep Callum close and search his eyes and feel his heartbeat. But all the things he wants to say start welling in his chest. _I’m so proud, you’re so gorgeous, your body on mine feels better than anything I’ve ever_ \-- The words start to rise like panic and he shoves urgently at Callum and he untangles their bodies like he’s turning a key in a lock until they’re apart. Ben sits up and rests his back against the wall and the ache in his body hits but he said he can handle pain and he can, he can, he doesn’t need to be held. He breathes deep and lets his eyes fall closed.

When he dares to look, he sees Callum laid out on his back, watching him, his face half obscured in darkness, half lit up bright in moonlight.

“Hey,” Callum whispers. “That night, the night in the park.. I've thought about the way you looked at me, like you're looking at me now. I never thought I'd--" Callum shakes his head, lost for words maybe.

Ben wonders, momentarily, what he's given away. What Callum sees in that look. But then Callum smiles and he doesn't care, just wants to be lost in him again. That push and pull still raging in his chest. He crawls over and straddles Callum’s thighs letting his hands touch everything long hidden to him. His clothes really don't suggest just how good he looks naked, so strong yet so soft. Ben traces the trail of hair down from his belly button. He’s so easy for Callum, terrified one minute, lost thing intoxicated the next. If he could get past himself, he’d give himself over completely, he would. He would. He wants to.

Ben takes Callum’s half hard dick in his hand, he’s so big it makes his mouth water. He moves so he can stroke both of them and listens to Callum's soft moans falling like music and watches the way the tension drains from his body. Ben moves down the bed but holds eye contact then licks and bites at Callum's thighs. He knows this game, knows all the rules by heart, knows how to tease and play with the boys who end up in his bed.

He buries his face in between Callum’s legs, so easy for shake in his thighs, the smell of him, heady and deep. The scrape of his stubble against soft skin makes Callum shudder and he draws his knees up, opening up to him, just like that.

Callum watches him, wide eyed, his dick leaking, so turned on he’s shivering and it’s almost too much for Ben to take in. Funny how something you’ve dreamed of can still feel like a dream when it’s real.

Ben takes him into his mouth, takes him whole and looks up at him but Callum’s head is thrown back, his hands searching along Ben’s shoulders until they find their place on the back of his neck. Callum hisses and grunts like he’s trying to be quiet and fuck if he wouldn’t do anything to hear him really let go but there’ll be a time for that.

Ben lets himself enjoy this, lets this moment overwhelm him, see he knows this by rote, knows how to get a man off with just his tongue but this time he’s going to let himself go and trust his body. His fingers stroke along Callum’s stomach, his sides and it make him jolt and squirm, he swirls his tongue and tastes him, kisses hot in between his legs, bites at his thighs. He unearths secret knowledge, nobody else knows that Callum’s knees shake when you trail the tip of your tongue along the seam of his balls but Ben knows now and he can use that. He throws himself over Callum, steadying himself with hands either side of his shoulders and bumps his nose with his own.

“Tell me what you want,” he whispers.

Callum actually thinks about it because of course he does and Ben can’t help but kiss him, deep, messy and Ben wonders if he’s forgotten the question when Callum grabs his shoulders and pushes him away hard enough to make him gasp.

“I want you to swallow.”

Ben laughs, laughs with pure joy and delight. “Well yeah, that goes without saying.” But it’s not so funny when Callum’s eyes cloud and his chest heaves and Ben realises the effect he has on this man.

Ben descends again and licks along the length of his dick and again and again until he’s quivering then kisses away the precum trailing down his length and licks it off his lips as Callum stares. When he takes him in again, Callum moans loud and presses the back of his hand against his mouth to stifle himself.

He thrusts up into Ben’s throat when he comes and Ben has to hold his hips with both hands to stop from being choked, although he can think of worse ways to go. Callum’s hands find his shoulders again and he holds on tight, his knees squeezing Ben’s body.

“Fuck.”

Ben pulls back and falls against Callum’s hip, gasping for air feeling it burn his raw throat. He strokes Callum's thighs, all his own urgency lost in Callum's lull.

“Did you say fuck?”

“Did I?”

Ben tilts his head to look up at Callum and sees his face is shining with sweat, his soft hair sticking to his forehead. He looks so beautiful that Ben has to look away.

“I’ll let you off this time.”

Callum laughs and starts gently stroking Ben’s hair, all light fingertips, and then uses the pad of his thumb to trace the outline of Ben’s ear. God, it feels so good. Feels like heaven.

“Hey.” Callum’s voice calls him back to reality and he hauls himself up and leans back against the wall.

“Was it what you wanted?”

Callum doesn’t answer, just moves to join Ben, sits with him in his fear; quiet, patient. Ben recognises it, sees himself in the gesture. It’s what he tried to do for Callum all those months. Only then he was trying to find the words, replaying conversations in his head for weeks, wondering if he said the right thing. And Callum is returning the favour this time in a language Ben understands better than any other.

Callum slowly, slowly, trails his knuckles down the length of Ben’s body. Ben turns to him and they fall into a deep, dirty kiss, all tongue and teeth. No man since Paul had given a shit about him after he came but Callum’s biting his bottom lip and putting his hands everywhere he can reach and Ben wants more, needs more, so he moves to straddle Callum, not missing a beat of the kiss.

Callum touches him everywhere and all at once, his hands running up and down Ben’s spine and all over the curves of his body until Ben is dizzy and lost can't remember which way is up or where he is, lost in the moonlight still bright behind his closed eyes. Callum’s fingertips falling on his skin like stars, Ben’s body mapping constellations.

His body feels free, bathed in light and touch and it’s beyond sex, beyond the stars, an answer to a question he didn’t have the words for. Callum breaks the kiss and when his lips meet the soft spot of Ben’s throat it sends molten heat down his back. Death by a thousand soft touches. Fingertips grazing his nipples, trailing over his soft stomach, tracing the long line of his neck. He runs a finger along the length of Ben’s dick and laughs softly when Ben shudders. He strokes a few times then lets his hand fall between Ben’s legs, curling his fingers against Ben’s hole, circling, trailing his way back to Ben’s stomach.

Callum leans in and kisses deep, his hands still wandering across the planes of Ben’s body and since he can’t predict or control, all Ben can do is give himself over, his whole body sparking and jolting with electricity. He falls back on the bed and reaches out to Callum to follow - too far gone to think of the consequences this time - the moments without him are almost unbearable.

Callum lies on his side beside him and Ben finds a way into his arms. They sigh together at the exquisite pleasure of moving closer, closer, closer, Ben throws a leg over Callum's hips and Callum presses his knee between Ben's thighs and they don't stop until there isn't a breath between them. Callum places a hand against the small of Ben’s back like he did when they were dancing and traces ciphers into Ben's skin that his body understands and answers in shivers.

He's not even sure where Callum's even touching him when he comes but it's hard and all consuming, he feels waves of pleasure even in the small bones of his wrists, deep in his stomach, full of fire. Then Callum grabs him, digs his fingers into Ben’s skin and it hurts but the pain just sends the pleasure rolling again and he holds Callum as he shudders against him, sees all the stars you can't see in London behind his eyes.

“Let it all out..” Ben whispers, to both of them.

They don’t break apart, they keep holding on. So exquisitely done with one another. It’s been so long since Ben has felt sated, exhausted; it’s bliss.

“I didn’t want to let go of your hand,” Callum says breathlessly into Ben’s hair.

“I’m not letting go.” Ben nuzzles his face into Callum’s chest to make his point.

“No, in the market. You kissed me on the cheek and took my hand and I didn’t want to let go. I meant what I said. You are so strong, Ben. You make me feel--” Ben freezes, waits. “I wore that shirt again tonight because I thought you might remember.”

“I do. I do, I remember. I remember. Hey, come here.”

Ben moves until he can meet Callum’s lips and kisses him, soft, chaste, reassuring; just like he wanted to that day. Callum rolls over and Ben follows until he’s lying on Callum’s chest. Now that it’s all over, he can finally rest his head. Callum’s chest rises and falls like the ocean and the storm in Ben’s chest abates.

The steady beat of Callum’s heart starts to lull him to sleep. He isn’t worthy, he knows that, but he’ll take this for as long as he can have it. Callum pets his hair and strokes his back, tender, so tender. Maybe Callum really does believe all those things he said. Still, eventually Callum will realise his mistake but even then he won’t be able to take these moments when he leaves and Ben is going to let himself, is really going to try to let himself have this, at least.

“I should go. I'm gonna fall asleep and Lexi will be confused, won't she, if I'm here in the morning.” Callum whispers.

Ben doesn’t answer, just frees the duvet to cover them both and settles back against Callum’s chest.

Ben lets himself sink, if Callum is the ocean and living without him is the storm then maybe salvation is to drown.

It occurs to him, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he feels safe, safe enough to fall into the deep sleep that’s calling him. Safer than he’s felt in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> The title comes from a song called _Haunted House_ by Sir Babygirl.


	2. 5th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum play truth or dare at the car lot after Callum senses Ben is being distant following their night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set the day after Kheerat and Jags walked into Ben's living room to confront him about the stolen car (04.10.19).
> 
>  **Warnings:** Alcohol consumption and oral sex.

_ **Saturday October 5th, 9pm** _

Ben's phone lights up with a notification, a message from Callum.

_We need to talk._

Ben stares at the words. Fuck.

Very late on Wednesday night or very early on Thursday morning, Callum left his bed and snuck out of the house. It was a sweet gesture, leaving before Lexi woke up.

He woke Ben by gently tickling his neck and stroking his hair and Ben realised he'd spent the best part of the night lying on his chest, in his arms, and it was perfect. Ben got it, he did, but knowing he had to leave was one thing, accepting it was another. All he wanted was to keep holding on.

Ben had walked him downstairs and Callum had put his arms around his waist and kissed him feather light and said "Goodnight" with a wink. It was everything, like a scene from a movie. 

So now if Callum thinks they need to talk then fine. But the last thing Ben needs is a heart to heart in the Vic with everyone looking at them or, even worse, to sit whispering on his bed.

_Car lot in 10?_

Callum replies: _Ok._

So ok.

Ben grabs his coat, keys and a half drunk bottle of vodka and heads out of the house. At the lot he turns on a lamp and it gives the office a low orange glow and then he takes a swig of vodka to calm his nerves.

The wait stretches on and on. He pulls out his phone and scrolls through the messages between him and Callum. Seven since Wednesday. Not great but not his worst effort.

He settles back in his desk chair and keeps an eye on the door. It’s another long while before Callum walks in wearing a navy diamond pattern jumper and his bomber. He hasn’t got any product in his hair and Ben has never seen him like this, not quite like this anyway. But it reminds him of Callum undone and shining in his bed and the memory makes his chest tighten.

Callum’s eyes light on the bottle on Ben’s desk but he doesn’t say anything about it. Actually he doesn't say anything at all.

Ben breaks first, says, “You took your time.”

“Yeah. And what about you?”

“You what?”

“I ain’t heard from you since Wednesday.”

“Err.. actually,” Ben pulls out his phone. 

“If you’re about to show me the handful of messages you sent, no, replied to, I ain’t interested.”

“Bit needy, innit?” 

“Not really, Ben.” Callum puts his hand on the door handle. “That it?” 

Ben fixates on Callum's hand, he could argue that Callum's the one who said they needed to talk so he should be the one doing the talking but he doesn't want to risk him leaving.

“I didn’t mean to ignore you, honest. I just got caught up with work.”

“The other night was good, I know it was. But I'm not interested in just hooking up." Ben's heart sinks. He knows. He knows that. What happened with Callum the other night was the furthest thing from a hookup. "We have something and I--"

"I know!" Ben hears himself shout the words before he even knows he's going to say them. “It was just work, I swear." Callum keeps looking at the floor and Ben goes to him, his heart pounding and puts his hand flat against Callum's chest. "Will you stay?"

Callum looks up and searches Ben's face.

“I dunno, I--"

"Please.."

"I ain’t really dressed to go out and if you’re busy--“ Callum gestures to the paperwork still out on Ben's desk.

"We can stay here. I was just sitting at home, just--" he stops dead.

Callum nods. "Just sitting at home."

"Not like that. I weren't ignoring you. Fuck. Just stay, will ya? You're here now."

"And do what?"

Ben shakes his head. If they're not going out that means they have to sit here in this silence and talk. And the thought of just talking makes Ben's stomach knot.

“Truth or dare."

“What?”

Ben opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. This is what they used to do in the house, him, Abi, Jay and Donna. Truth or Dare, Never Have I Ever, Twenty Questions. 

“It’s… it's something to do, innit. And-- and you can ask me anything."

Callum takes his hand off the handle and squeezes Ben’s arm instead and his touch feels like relief.

“It’s a kids’ game, Ben." 

“I’ll drink to that.” 

Ben drags Callum towards the couch by his jacket and grabs the bottle of vodka, taking the first swig and then handing it over.

“I'm warning you, Ben, I ain’t doing anything stupid tonight," Callum says, taking a drink.

“Apart from this.” Ben laughs but Callum only smiles. “Alright, I’ll go first. Ask me."

Callum shrugs. “Errr… truth or dare?"

“Dare.” 

“Oh, I dunno..” Callum shifts to the edge of the couch. 

“Alright, truth.”

Callum takes another drink and winces. Ben sits next to him, one leg tucked under his body and pats the couch for Callum to settle down again which he ignores. 

“The other night… was it--"

"Good?" Ben says, not letting him finish, "Yeah. You were there, you know." Ben sees Callum smile slightly. "I like that you know what you want. It’s hot. I saw it in you that night in the park. It's fun with you but it's intense."

Callum turns to face Ben and looks at him, eyes gone dark.

“You bring that out in me," he says, his voice low.

“That’s even hotter," Ben whispers back. 

Callum carefully puts the bottle down on the floor and turns to look at Ben and he burns sitting helpless in Callum's gaze. 

"Where did you go?"

Ben shakes his head, he doesn't know, he doesn't. Right here is the only place he wants to be, how did he forget that?

"I don't know," he says, his voice small, barely a whisper.

Callum looks conflicted and glances over his shoulder at the door but turns back just as quickly, grabs Ben's face and kisses him roughly. All Ben can do is surrender and trust Callum to keep him upright and let him take whatever he wants. He is vaguely aware of his fists balled at his sides and he wants to touch Callum, he does, but he can't move, can't catch his breath. Everything starts to blur until he's just his body, just this kiss. He'd die for this but nobody is asking him to die. He feels all of Callum's anger, all of his disappointment and he takes it, monolithic.

Callum breaks the kiss and Ben hears himself whine high and loud like a kicked dog. Callum doesn't say anything just leans back in and kisses his parted lips, the warm press of his mouth sends flutters of pleasure through Ben's body.

"Where were we?" Callum asks and Ben leans in again but Callum corrects him gently, "I meant in the game," he says, but grants Ben another kiss anyway.

“Truth or dare?" Ben whispers.

“Truth."

Callum nudges Ben's nose with his and Ben opens his eyes; he didn't realise they were still closed.

“The other night…" he whispers, mirroring Callum's words.

“It was beautiful." He laughs like he still can't quite believe it. "I feel like I got to see another side of you and I liked it.” 

Callum leans in and presses another soft kiss against Ben's swollen lips. 

"What other side?"

"You know, a more vulnerable side." 

Ben leans past Callum and swipes the bottle off the floor and takes a long swallow.

“Truth or dare?” Callum asks 

“Dare.”

“I dunno.” He thinks for a while and Ben loves the way he pouts when he’s thinking but he just wants this to end now so he can go back to being kissed.

Ben slides the bottle onto his desk to free up his hands and takes hold of Callum's jacket to try and lure him back to kissing. "If nothing comes to mind, I can think of something we can do."

“Nah, I've got it. Sit on your hands through my next go.”

“Really? Bit childish, Callum.” Ben lets go of his jacket and does what he’s told. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“So, how many times did you want me before we..” Ben stops short of saying _got together_. 

“Ah. Well, I saw you before we met.” Callum smiles at the memory. “You were just walking through the market but I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I hoped I’d never see you again. Then you came in the pub with your dad and I was watching you from the bar. I went out the back when I saw you coming over to order another round.”

“Why?”

“Without Whit there I thought I’ll just end up going red or saying something daft.”

“You say daft things all the time and it don’t put me off.”

“And obviously…” Callum points to Ben’s desk, “when you sold me that dodgy van, I remember you was handing me a pen and I felt like I was gonna die.”

“Not really what I was going for.”

“I think it was actually, Ben. You know, I still ain’t sure whether you thought I was an easy target.” 

Ben’s hand twitches, if he wasn’t sitting on his hands he’d reach for his drink. Which is why he’s sitting on his hands. Fuck. “Trust me, you ain’t an easy target.”

"I didn't know what to think most of the time but when I had you against the door at your brother’s, if you hadn’t’ve said what you said, I dunno what I would've done...”

"I still count that punch you threw as our first kiss.” Ben laughs and Callum hangs his head. “Right, I can’t feel my hands so that means it’s my turn.”

“Truth or dare?” 

“Dare.”

"I can't think of anything, Ben."

“Dare me to show you my profile.”

“You don't have to do that.."

"I do if you dare me.” Ben shakes out his hands and unlocks his phone. “Here.” He holds it out for Callum to see.

“You've got a lot of messages.”

“Yeah I ain’t checked 'em in ages.”

“That ain’t even your real name," Callum says, confused.

"Who needs names?"

"Your name was the first thing you ever said to me."

He wanted Callum to know him, he wanted that man to have his name in his head if nothing else. And he knows that, doesn't he? He sees right through him. It's terrifying but he's not ready to concede defeat just yet. He clears his throat. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Did you used to think about me when you were, you know... _with_ Whitney?” Ben raises his eyebrows, waits for Callum to catch on.

“Ben! I am not answering that!”

“Blimey! Alright then. I dare you to do as many push-ups as you can.”

“You what?”

“What? I wanna watch. And as an army man I know you know what you’re doing.”

Callum flinches at that but just as quickly shakes it off and jumps to his feet. He takes off his jacket and his jumper and places them neatly on the back of Jay's chair. He's down to a white t-shirt and too loose jeans. Ben cannot wait to take him shopping, the man has no idea how good he’d look in skinny jeans.

"Seriously, push-ups?" He asks, hands on hips.

Ben nods, "Drop and gimme everything you got."

Callum starts on his hands and knees but shoots Ben a warning look before he can say anything and Ben holds up his hands in acquiescence. 

Callum moves in a measured way, performs the first push-up with flawless precision, his body a straight line, all power and control and then falls into a rhythm. It does something to Ben every time he comes back up and his elbows lock. And actually Ben couldn't give a shit about form but he looks so strong and composed. His hair fallen over his face and the lamp light illuminating the long line of his back, the cut of his shoulder blades.

At first his breathing is steady and then he starts to grunt and Ben feels like he's going to come out of his fucking skin watching him.

“Alright stop.”

“Nah, I still got a few more in me."

“Stop!” 

Ben rolls onto his belly on the couch and grabs and prods at Callum until he relents and kneels up, panting for breath. Ben stares at him, drinking him in, he's been staring for months but now Callum is his alone to look at however he wants. 

"I can't believe I've bagged myself a soldier," Ben says, reaching out to feel Callum's bicep.

"Why did you ask me that? Did you think about me when you were....?”

“Yeah. I.. I started looking for tall blokes with cute ears.”

“You think I have cute ears?”

Ben buries his face in his hands and Callum pries them away to kiss him again. 

“Ok, gimme a truth," Ben mumbles against Callum's mouth.

“When did you notice me?” 

“That day we met in the pub, I only sent you off so I could watch you walk away."

Callum laughs, "Why'd you call me Kermit, then?"

"Hands up, I'll admit I was wrong there, you ain't no muppet."

"I was so annoyed with myself, I thought you were fit when I saw you around and I fancied you even more after you was so rude to me." 

"I told you before, everyone loves a bad boy."

"Maybe that's part of it but nah, I saw something in you. I wanted to know more." He takes a deep breath. "I didn't even admit it to myself that I was into you. Just told myself I found you interesting."

"You saying I'm not?" 

"You know I ain't. Don't mess, Ben."

“I weren't! I'm just saying, now you know me better you might wanna take that back."

"I told you, there's so much I wanna learn about you."

"That's sweet but I was joking." 

Ben sits up to break eye contact and Callum puts his hands on his legs like he's holding him down, in this room, in this moment.

"I don't think you were, Ben. And neither was I." 

Ben stares up at the ceiling while Callum's hands press harder on his thighs. He doesn't understand it, he wants so much to reach the surface and catch his breath but Callum holds him, anchor heavy and it makes him feel like drowning is the better option.

"Truth or dare?" 

“Dare.”

"What?" 

Ben looks down and sees Callum watching him intently. 

"Dare."

“Ahhh... the rookie has finally warmed up. Alright then," Ben strokes Callum's hands, his arms. "Do what you wanted to do to me when you had me up against that door.”

“Ben.”

“What?” Callum gets to his feet and smooths his t-shirt. “Don’t tell me you’re backing down.” 

“Who says I’m backing down?" 

Ben stands up, gets right up in Callum's space and breathes him in. “Double dare.”

Callum grabs him by his shirt and pushes him against the wall. It happens so fast Ben could swear his feet didn't even touch the floor. Last time Ben thrust into him to try and throw him off and regain the upper hand but this time he does it on reflex, his body screaming out for more.

They breathe together, Callum's eyes intense.

Callum takes his time, lets his eyes wander down Ben's body and back to his lips then kisses Ben fiercely and it feels like a first kiss, raw and messy and desperate. Ben feels a rattle in his chest and realises that Callum's hands are trembling maybe from the force with which he's gripping his shirt, maybe because of the kiss. Ben remembers his own hands, last time he'd put a hand out to stop Callum and had ended up with a palm against his chest feeling his frantic heartbeat. Tonight he remembers his hands but doesn't know what to do with them. Callum keeps kissing him rough and deep and Ben comes to understand that he doesn't want to be held. 

Callum yanks away and looks at Ben for a beat before he drops to his knees with a thud. Ben listens to Callum's ragged breathing as he unbuckles his belt. He fumbles over Ben's fly because of the shake in his hands. He's a mess, a mess at Ben's feet. The thought makes his dick strain against his boxers but then Callum pulls them down and Ben thanks God for small mercies. 

Callum's mouth feels like heaven and Ben reaches up the wall as if he might find something to hold onto and lets his head roll back, lost and dizzy. Callum is more than just enthusiastic, he's determined, no, he's loving this. His hands roam Ben's body as he works and Ben's knees nearly buckle when he presses a finger between his legs.

This is Callum's long held fantasy, one he denied himself and, Ben thinks, denied all the men who wanted him too, until him. Callum moans when Ben bucks his hips, pulls off his dick with a loud pop only to swirl his tongue against Ben’s slit and press down again. Fuck, nobody taught him that he just knows, just gets it, just wants it that badly.

Ben runs his fingers through Callum's hair and holds on. He knows if he looks down and sees him, he won’t be able to last another second. He hears Callum unzip his own jeans and then his grip tightens where he's holding him at his waist, fingers digging into Ben's skin. 

"Callum.. Callum. Come here, come here.."

Ben says the words before he even knows why he's saying them but Callum gets it, stands and kisses Ben, all teeth and hot breath then walks backwards, dragging Ben with him. Callum falls back against the couch and Ben straddles him. They move together, their jeans in the way but they find each other regardless. Ben pulls his shirt off and pushes Callum's up, wanting to be as close as possible. The friction of Callum's dick against his own is good and Callum makes this noise at the back of his throat, something in between a moan and a grunt and he stifled it before but tonight he's not holding back and fuck if it isn't the hottest thing Ben's ever heard. 

Ben stares into Callum's blue, blue eyes somehow still shining even in the dull orange light. 

Callum keeps moving, rolling his hips, one hand holding them together, the pad of his thumb sliding over the head of Ben's dick and when Ben shudders deep, Callum licks his lips like he wants to fucking devour him. 

Ben keeps staring into his eyes, can't look away, enrapt. Being with Callum like this reminds him he's an animal, there's no way he could stop to take his jeans off, couldn't stop for anything. Every semblance of self torn down by the sounds Callum makes, the way his body twitches, the way he grits his teeth. 

Callum growls out, "Fuck." and it pushes Ben over the edge. He falls forward and presses his forehead against Callum's and he comes so hard he feels it all over, sparkling all throughout his whole body even his fucking _armpits_.

"Come here," Ben whispers and Callum reflexively wraps his arms around him. "God, you're intense."

"We're intense."

Ben rocks back and runs a finger through the cum on Callum's stomach and licks it off, all the while staring into Callum's eyes. "Ok, we're intense."

Callum's eyes darken and he takes hold of Ben and moves with him until he's on his back and Callum's got one knee between Ben's legs and one foot on the floor to steady himself. He shakes his hair away from his face and stops for a moment just to watch Ben. Ben wants to open up for him, wants to do anything Callum can think of. There's nothing he wouldn't give him so long as he could give it to him without words. 

Callum lowers himself between Ben's thighs and kisses up Ben's stomach, his chest, then takes a moment to breathe before he bows his head again to taste Ben, the tip of his tongue electric. Ben threads his fingers through Callum's soft hair and watches him, his heart fluttering against the walls of his chest like a moth against a light. 

Eventually, wordlessly, Callum kneels up and takes Ben's hands, pulls him towards him then takes his place, laying down on his back and beckons for Ben to come lie on his chest which he does, willingly.

Lying together in the half dark, the almost silence, Ben imagines an in between place where they can survive. Where Callum will always understand and he will learn to try and they will be ok.

Ben draws circles against Callum's stomach with his fingertips tips and his body jolts and twitches at the touch.

"Are you ticklish, Highway?"

"Suppose so, nobody's ever.." his breath hitches as Ben circles his belly button. He exhales shakily. "Nobody's ever touched me like you before."

"Mm I'll keep that in mind."

Ben's fingers find Callum's scar and he traces the pits in his flesh. He doesn't know where it's come from but he feels a well of deep, black sadness open up somewhere in his chest. He moves his hand from Callum's scar to over his heart and it dissipates.

"I.. I left one out, two actually. No, three. I dunno. Loads, probably," Callum says, almost to himself.

"Left what out?"

"Times I wanted something more with you," Ben wants to tell him that wasn't the question he asked earlier but he doesn't. "The flatwarming, I dunno why, but I wanted to hold you. I don't even mean hug ya, I wanted to hold you. It scared me, I wanted to get out of that room but I didn't at the same time."

"I get that."

"And that's… that's my room now, in the flat, I mean. Stu's got the big bedroom."

"Ah." Ben's heart catches in his throat.

"Yeah. That's why I--"

"You said 'loads'," Ben interrupts.

"Oh, right, well some of 'em aren't even stories, not really. Just memories of a feeling. I didn't even know what it was but I'd walk in the Vic and see you sat there or you'd come in the parlour with lunch for Jay and I'd hear your voice and it just felt good. When your dad was in hospital, I heard Shirley asking after you on the phone and the feeling I got was mad, I just wanted to reach out to you."

"I wish you had." Ben freezes, he didn't mean to say that.

"So do I."

"I only brought Jay lunch to see you in your suit. And I never bloody did. Now I'm starting to think you was hiding from me."

"Guilty."

"You owe me about 25 ham sandwiches."

"Think I can do you one better," he says, walking his fingers down Ben's back.

"I dunno, I do love sandwiches."

"So you like my suit, ey?" 

"Like it? I… I _dream_ about it. Your thighs in those trousers! Your chest in that shirt and the way the jacket looks on your arms and your arse--"

"Alright, bloody hell. The whole point is it's meant to be respectable, gonna have to have a rethink now!" 

Ben laughs, properly laughs and lets himself sink deeper into Callum. He could fall asleep if he allowed himself. 

“I’m sorry," he mumbles. He really has no idea what he's going to say, only that he should say it anyway. "I'm sorry I weren’t in touch. It’s hard… it’s hard for me to..”

“What?” Callum asks, his tone soft.

“I know I’m a bit of a waste of space, I thought maybe you would've come to your senses by now.”

“You ain’t a waste of space. I dunno who’s put that in your head but they’re wrong. And I get that it’s hard, I do. But you can’t just disappear, you have to talk to me."

“I know. It's just… you didn't really know me before and now we're spending more time.."

"I do know you. You said I see you like you see me and I believe that, Ben. I ain't going in blind."

Ben thinks for a moment. "Yeah ok."

“But if it's stressing you out then just tell me what you meant when you said you got caught up at work.”

Ben hauls himself up and pulls his shirt back on to give himself time to think. He doesn't want to be the Ben who's in the shit over a fucking stolen car. Not tonight. Not with Callum.

“Just that. It’s been busy.”

“More dodgy motors?”

“Dodgy motors? That ain’t very sexy. Think I prefer _grand theft auto_.”

“Another van?” 

Ben's heart starts to race, if Callum knew the mess he was in he'd know how fucking stupid he was. He doesn't want to lie but he can't tell the whole truth either.

“Nah, something much nicer. Don’t worry, it was what I like to call a victimless crime.” 

“Well, it ain’t though, is it?”

“You calling yourself a victim?”

“No, I trusted ya. You said mates rates.” 

Ben has to laugh, so Callum still isn't over this. 

“Oh Callum, come on, we’ve never been mates.”

A look of dawning realisation comes over Callum’s face. He doesn't say anything, but he sits up and wraps two hands around Ben's throat and kisses him, deep. He kisses Ben into a reverie and when he draws back he leaves his hands on Ben's neck.

"The day Jay offered me the job at Coker's you told me you seen me with that bottle. Truth. Why d'you tell me?"

"That ain't how the game works." Callum doesn't answer, doesn't anything, just waits. "I saw you with that bottle and I saw you defending your brother and I thought maybe we had more in common than…" he catches himself, "than just both being really fit.”

“So you sold me a dodgy van."

Ben shrugs. “You know me. I thought, I can still get him even if I can’t have him." 

The words hang heavy for a moment. 

"Truth be told, I didn't bother with my hair or a shave because I wanted an excuse to be alone with you and it was the only thing I could think of to make sure we wouldn't go out."

"You could have just told me."

"You ain't been speaking to me."

"Just saying, I really wouldn't've minded if you'd told me you wanted me all to yourself."

Ben tilts his face for a kiss. 

"Come on, Ben. Haven't we waited long enough to be alone? It's ok to say it."

Callum drops his hands to Ben's shoulders and watches his face. 

"Yeah. It's nice, this. Just us." Ben clears his throat. "Let me make you a drink." Callum glances over at the vodka. "No, no, I meant--" Ben goes over to the cups and kettle and brings out a couple of sachets of hot chocolate.

"How did you know I like that over tea?"

"I may have asked my mum what your order was." 

"You asked about me?" Callum's face breaks out into a huge smile, that smile that makes Ben melt. 

"Alright, just thought it might come in handy… and it has."

Ben sorts the drinks, and settles back down onto the couch. Ben watches Callum sip his drink and he can't believe how beautiful he looks. What does it mean when everything someone does seems to you like the only way it should be done. 

"You were amazing, you know." Ben gestures to the wall.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You've got natural talent."

"It's something I've been thinking about since that day. When I let myself, obviously."

"It was hot."

"Finally good at something and you're the only person who'll ever know." 

Callum laughs, it's a joke, a throwaway. Ben hates how it fills him with hope anyway. 

"So you were sat at home doing nothing when you could've been here?" Ben doesn't know what to say just knows he feels drawn to sit closer, so he does, resting his head against Callum's shoulder. "There was a lady at my school who was meant to be there for you to chat to if you had stuff going on at home. She always used to ask if I was alright. I wore this bobble hat every day and teachers were constantly telling me to take it off but they never told me why, so I left it on. One day the lady comes and asks me about it and I told her it made me feel better. I didn't want to tell her anything else in case I dobbed Stu in it and to be honest I don't think I could have put it into words anyway, you know?"

"Mm-hm." Ben does know.

"So she makes me a hot chocolate and tells me it's a hot drink like what grown ups have and Stu was always telling me oh, never grow up, it ain't all it's cracked up to be, bruv. But I dunno, she gave me a bit of hope."

"All that from a hot chocolate?"

"You have to look for meaning in the little things. Like this." 

Callum leans over and rests his head against Ben's.

They fall quiet and normally Ben can't stand sitting still let alone doing it in silence but he could do this forever. Callum laughs softly when Ben slurps his drink and Ben doesn't know why but he feels an overwhelming urge to tell him how he feels about him but he swallows it down.

Callum yawns but tries to stifle it and immediately yawns again.

"Time for you to get home to bed, old man."

"I'm only a few years older than you, you know."

"Come on."

Ben moves first and Callum follows, puts on his jumper and jacket while Ben turns off the lamp. 

They walk back to Callum's flat, Callum's arm draped around Ben's shoulder.

"I'd invite you up but--"

Ben can't bear to hear him mention Paul's room again, he can't. "--but Uncle Fester, I get it." Callum smiles. "Hey. You look cute in that jumper."

"Cute ears, cute jumper..."

"No, I said you're cute, not the jumper."

Callum grins and pulls him in for a hug and they stand swaying on the street. 

"Truth," Ben says.

"Huh?"

"Gimme a truth."

"Hmm… Are you gonna text me tomorr--"

"--Yes."

"Feel like I should walk you home now."

"I just walked you home!" Ben says, laughing.

"I think I just don't wanna say goodnight." 

"I'll text tomorrow, promise."

"Do me one better and let me know you got home, yeah?"

"Yeah," Ben whispers, not trusting his voice not to wobble.

Callum leans down and kisses him again and Ben doesn't want to let go but he does, he has to.

Back home it's dark and everyone's already in bed.

He texts Callum, _Just got home_ xx

Callum replies almost instantly, G _lad to hear it. Sleep well xx_

_Sweet dreams xx_

_After tonight? Guaranteed xx_

Ben replies with two kisses because he can't think of anything to say to that but it makes him smile.

It was Abi who said they played stupid games in the house because they were all too fucked up to just talk to each other and up until tonight, Ben thought she was just talking about the party games. But she meant all of it. She meant games like avoiding someone after a night together that meant more than you hoped it would. 

It was Ben who wanted to talk after the night in the park, he's still not sure what he would have said or what he hoped to hear but those unknowns made him brave. Or at least bold. He still had the upper hand then.

Tomorrow he'll text Callum, he's got his daughter so he has a reason not to see him and on Monday he has to be the Ben who can deal with the kind of men who think nothing of walking into your home and threatening you. That Ben couldn't lie in the arms of another or kiss someone sweetly goodnight. That Ben has to be strong. 

It's easy when he's with Callum, it's only when he's alone that he realises it's actually impossible. 

If only he'd met Callum a few years ago. If only they'd known each other when Ben still knew how to do this. 

He never does this, not anymore, but he rolls a cigarette and goes to the back door to smoke. He wants to take the taste away from tonight. It's easier that way. Nobody wonders if you're alright if you go off for a smoke on a night out. It's why he started. He's getting tired of everything being a fucking strategy.

He scrolls over the messages since Wednesday. _Hey just checking in. Last night was wonderful._

Wonderful. Only Callum would say _wonderful_. Ben takes the last few drags of his cigarette and throws the butt over the wall.

Thing is, it was wonderful. Fuck. Truth is, someone Ben used to be really could have loved him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OF COURSE Ben is already wildly in love with Callum, he's an unreliable narrator to say the least. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. The title and last line of this chapter are from a poem called Miniature Bridges, Your Mouth by Marty McConnell. It's very beautiful, you should seek it out.
> 
> Chapter 3: how could you ever be fine
> 
> The next chapter is a bit shorter and smut free, just some good old fashioned hurt and comfort set after Martin beat Ben up that features a (hopefully) lovely cameo.


	3. 11th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the episode where Martin beats up Ben and Ben later tells Martin that he works for him now (11.10.2019). 
> 
> Ben and Callum meet for a drink in the Vic and play a game of darts which ends badly, but the night isn't over just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no smut in this chapter* but that's the entire theme of the next one which is coming later this week (and it actually, definitely is.. I know because it's already written!). 
> 
> *and yet I still managed to use the word "kiss" 16 times.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Alcohol consumption and descriptions of injuries. Hurt/comfort.

_**Friday 11th October, 7.45pm, The Vic** _

Ben watches the door and swirls his whiskey. His heart is thudding against his ribs and his whole being is leaning forwards, waiting for Callum to appear. He keeps swirling his drink, like the tornado inside the glass can contain the one in his chest. He watches the door like his life depends on it and his heart lurches when he remembers he's not just watching, he's waiting. He's waiting for Callum. When will that stop sneaking up on him? Stop making him feel as though the ground might drop from beneath his feet?

Callum showed up at the Arches with ice cream at lunch and said he got one on a stick in case Ben's hands were dirty. It was a sweet gesture but Ben’s hands were clean in every sense. Today he is in control of everything, everything but this. He can’t do a fucking thing to slow his thundering heart as he sits and waits.

Callum appears at the door and Ben has to force himself to stay on his stool when every bit of him wants to jump up and go to him. Callum holds the door open for an old couple behind him and says something that makes them laugh and Ben can barely stand the pressure in his chest. He swallows his drink, swallows the tornado, and just about manages to smile at Callum when he turns to meet his eye. 

"Sorry I'm late, Stu had a disaster in the kitchen and--" Callum stops short and reaches out to touch Ben's bruised face.

"Don't matter, you're here now. Kiss me."

Callum glances at Ben's busted lip. "Are you sure--"

"Kiss me."

Callum's kiss makes the pub disappear, makes the tornado feel like butterflies, makes all the noise in his head go quiet. He cups Ben's face with his hand, tender like lovers in the old black and white movies Ben used to watch by himself on Sunday afternoons. 

"How was your day?" Callum asks, ghosting his thumb over a bruise on Ben's face. 

“You bringing me ice cream was the highlight.”

Callum smiles but there’s no light in his eyes. He orders two beers and leads Ben over to a table, one with a bench seat where they can sit next to each other and he moves in close and closer still and puts his arm on the back of the bench so Ben can tuck in against his chest. 

"I was on home visits this afternoon, went to see an old man who'd been married 63 years. He said, 'Love is patience', I liked that. I was thinking about it all the way back on the train. Love is patience."

Ben crosses his legs and folds himself up as tight as he can. "Jay said you're the best at home visits."

"Well, I dunno about that but it's a privilege to have someone tell you their story, you know?"

"You're so good, Callum."

Callum puts his arm around Ben's shoulders, heavy and reassuring. If he knew, if he knew who Ben really was, would he be sitting here now? God it’s boring, it is, it’s boring always wondering shit like this, it’s boring never being able to just sit and have a fucking beer without thinking a thousand thoughts a second. Ben starts peeling the label off his bottle, he needs something to do with his hands or he'll crawl out of his skin.

"Are you alright?" Callum's voice is so soft that it makes Ben ache. 

"What do you do on a home visit?"

"Oh err.. You know, just make the client a cup of tea, put them at ease, explain things they need explaining, listen to 'em. I’ve learned so much about stuff I didn’t even think about before this. Like what different kinds of flowers mean and even like, I dunno, like how to sit in silence with someone. I used to find it uncomfortable but I don’t mind it so much now.” Ben takes a long pull of his beer. “Sometimes it gets a bit heavy but on days like that there’s always ice cream to cheer me up.”

“Did it help? The ice cream?”

“The company moreso,” he says, bumping his shoulder into Ben’s.

"Had someone in today who thought I was weak and I used to be but I ain't anymore."

"Oh." There's a long beat and Ben scrambles to think of something else to say to kick dirt over his admission. "Did they do that to your face?"

Shit. Ben claps his hands on his legs, "Darts?"

Callum shakes his head, "Err...yeah?"

He jumps to his feet too fast and it makes his head spin but he keeps walking, doesn't dare look back at Callum. 

He collects up the darts and puts three in Callum's hand, still not looking at his face, then throws the first round blindly, not caring where they land. 

Callum throws a near perfect round and Ben gulps down the rest of his beer. 

"Where'd you learn that?"

"Waiting for Stuart as a kid at the social club, nothing else to do," Callum says with a shrug. 

“Trust you to go and learn a new skill when anyone else would have been trying to blag a drink.”

Callum collects his darts, never once taking his eyes off Ben, the way you wouldn't turn your back on a dangerous dog.

They take turns, Callum writes up the score and aims before he throws but mostly he’s watching Ben. The scared little boy that Ben works so hard to keep buried is looking back at Callum from behind his eyes and willing Ben to let him in, to ask him to go home with him and stroke his hair and tell him he's good, that he sees how he tries.

Callum wins the leg, rubs the board clean and redistributes the darts. Ben orders two more beers while Callum throws the first round. Love is patience. Is it? Love is loyalty. Love is dangerous. He takes his turn but his hand is shaking and the dart bounces onto the floor.

“Here,” Callum holds Ben still with an arm around his waist and takes his wrist in his free hand. “Bring it to eye level and then you wanna,” he cups Ben’s elbow, “throw from here.” 

Callum thinks he doesn’t know how to play. He thinks one bad shot means he’s shit at this, he thinks he needs someone to step in and help him. 

“Think you can help me? Or am I a lost cause?” 

“Nah, you can learn, you just need to be patient,” Callum says, squeezing his elbow. “Here,” he leans in, “try again.” 

His warm breath on Ben’s neck makes him shiver despite himself. 

Ben throws and Callum writes up his score.

"Better?" Ben asks, then grabs his beer and drinks deep to push down the years of resentment he can feel rising in his throat. 

"Yeah," Callum throws, "the trick is not holding on too tight and knowing when to let go."

Ben huffs out a laugh, the kind of laugh that bubbles up from your chest when you can't believe what you're hearing.

"Is it?" 

"Yeah, you can aim all you like, have a plan in your head but it ain't worth a thing if you don't know when to just--" he turns and throws. 

So that's Ben's problem, is it? If he'd let go of Callum he'd be married to a woman and living in Zone Six with a bloody chihuahua right now so maybe he should think again. 

"Feel like you're giving me a life lesson."

"Do ya?" Callum looks genuinely confused. Fuck. 

Ben grabs the darts and throws one after the other as fast as he can.

"You were right, I just needed a little patience."

Callum shakes his head. "I don't get what's happening."

Ben walks over to him, breathes him in and looks up at him from under his lashes. "Never, ever underestimate a Mitchell."

"I ain't. I was just taking you at your word. There's a difference, Ben." 

"You really think I grew up round here and don't know how to throw a few darts?"

"How am I meant to know anything if you don't tell me?"

"You know what, I think I'm gonna call it a night," Ben blurts out the words but fails to hide the panic in his voice. Shit. 

"What? It's not even 9 yet."

"Yeah, it's err..," he takes a deep breath, "It's been a long day. I'll text you though."

Callum nods, defeated. "Alright, so… night then?" 

"See ya later."

Ben swallows hard as he walks away, swallows all the words and all the tears that are threatening in his throat like a storm. 

He wants to turn back, the whole way home he has to force himself to keep going forwards.

Lola's watching TV and his mum is reading a book on the sofa so they don't notice him come in, which is just as well. He stops in the kitchen, takes a beer from the fridge and sits up on the counter. He drinks and waits, waits for something, waits for nothing. 

How does Callum make him feel like this? Today he wrest back control from someone who thought he was still that desperate little boy. Today he felt big, he felt strong. And then one look from Callum and he just wanted to be held again. 

After a while he realises the living room has gone quiet and when he looks in, he sees only darkness. He grabs a bag of peas from the freezer, sits down at the dining table and holds it against his throbbing face. This is the kind of pain he's used to, it almost feels good. He focuses on the tick of the clock, like a metronome for his racing heart. He holds the peas to his face even after they've thawed, as if something is ever better than nothing. 

His phone buzzes and he jumps hard in his seat, his trance shattered. It buzzes again and then it rings. It's Callum. He debates ignoring him but he knows he won't give up.

"Yeah?"

"I'm outside, back door."

"You what?" Ben feels like he's just been set on fire.

"Just let me in." Ben hangs up and opens the back door and Callum pushes past him inside. "I told you Ben, you can't just ignore me."

"I ain't! I've seen you twice today."

"Which wouldn't've happened if I hadn't suggested it. I've barely seen you since the weekend, again."

Ben sits back up on the kitchen counter. "I'm sorry, alright. It's been a long day. We're good."

"Is this about the game?"

Ben laughs, incredulous. "Are you seriously asking if this is about a poxy game of darts?"

"Alright, so why did you walk out?"

"Errm.. I didn't? I told you, long day." Callum spots the peas and puts them back in the freezer, still looking out for Ben even now. He should tell him he's sorry, part of him wants to tell Callum everything. "Look, it really was a long day, but that's... that's no excuse for me being such a prick."

Callum softens. "You can tell me anything, you know that, don't you? You listened to me all them months."

Ben can't help but smile, "Yeah, well, you're alright to listen to."

"You ain't so bad yourself."

"Thing is, I got what you were going through because I'd been there myself. This is different."

"Try me." Ben sighs and stares down at the floor. "You ain't weak, nobody who could give me so much strength could be weak. And I don't believe you ever were. Whoever made you feel that way is wrong and you don't have to prove yourself, not to me. Yeah?"

Ben nods. "Yeah."

Callum lifts Ben's face with two fingers under his chin and looks him over, a hint of sadness in his eyes but mostly concern. 

"Does it hurt?"

"Nah. I've had worse."

"Don't mean it doesn't hurt, though, does it?"

"Suppose you're right." Callum keeps looking at him. "He weren't as good with his fists as you."

Callum goes back to the freezer and finds a bag of sweetcorn, wraps it in a clean towel off the airer and holds the bag against the bruise blooming on Ben's cheekbone. 

"How does that feel?" He brushes Ben's hair away from his face and strokes his jaw and Ben isn't sure why he's even bothering asking. 

"Feels good." Ben clears his throat. "I know how to do this myself, you know."

Callum moves the bag to Ben's split lip. 

"That's not why I'm doing it." 

Ben takes Callum's wrist and moves his hand away, "Kiss me."

Callum leans in and kisses Ben's lips softly, so softly and then kisses his cheek, his jaw, bows his head to kiss Ben's neck and then back to his face, presses his lips against Ben's temple, his forehead. When Ben lifts his hand to Callum again, he takes it and kisses his wrist, his palm, his fingers. 

Ben, never having been so adored, sits enrapt and Callum, for his part, keeps kissing him everywhere. He kisses the corner of Ben's mouth, his nose, the stubble on his chin.

It's different from anything else Ben's ever known, it's pure tenderness. 

"Daddy!" He hears Lexi's voice from the stairs and Callum jumps back.

"My face," Ben hisses.

"It's ok, just stay calm." He smooths Ben's hair and messes with the line of his shirt, "There."

Lexi appears in the doorway in her pyjamas.

"Hey baby, you remember Callum," she waves and Callum waves back. "What's the matter?"

"You weren't here for tea and I missed you."

Ben feels tears well in his eyes and he drops off the counter and pulls her into his arms. 

"I missed you too, Princess." 

She pulls back to examine his face and her brow furrows. "Did someone hurt you?"

God, it's worse, so much worse than anything anyone else could have said. His chest tightens and he can only choke out, "I'm ok."

"But your eyes are all red." She reaches out and touches the tender skin around his eyes so gently it takes his breath away. 

"Daddy got hurt but he's ok, I'm looking after him and he's safe now and so are you." 

Ben turns with Lexi in his arms to look at Callum. 

"And he'll get better?" She asks Callum and Ben looks to him as well.

"Yeah. He'll be right as rain in a couple of days." 

"Promise?"

Callum holds out his little finger. "Pinky promise."

Lexi giggles and shakes on it, her little arm outstretched past Ben's face. 

Ben keeps holding her tight. How many times has she wondered about the bruises on his face and not asked him? He loves her so much, he does, he really does.

"Are you going to kiss his face better?" She asks, looking between Callum and Ben. She's so perceptive, it makes Ben proud but it scares him too. 

"Go back to bed, baby, try to get some sleep," Ben says, twirling her plait in his fingers. 

"Okaaay," she says in a singsong voice and motions for Ben to put her down. 

Ben walks her into the living room and blows her a kiss; she mimes catching it and goes off up the stairs with her little fist balled, carrying his affection with her up to bed.

"She's so your daughter," Callum whispers when he walks back into the kitchen.

"All credit goes to her mum." Callum smiles. "Thanks, for what you said to her."

"Of course. I've never really been around any kids but I know it's what I want to hear. That you're safe now."

It's like ice water down his back. Letting him in was a mistake.

"Thanks for coming round, Callum, I really appreciate it but I'm fine so you can go."

"You're not fine and-- and that's ok. And I ain't going anywhere."

"Seriously, Callum, I am fine."

He gets it. He gets the message behind Callum's words. _How could you ever be fine?_

Callum sighs and covers his eyes, pinching his temples. When he looks back at Ben there's a determination in his face that takes Ben aback.

Callum walks past Ben into the living room and settles down on the sofa. It takes Ben a moment to react. Part of him is relieved that Callum didn't leave, he can't deny that, but he starts to panic when he can't think of a next move. He watches Callum from the doorway, but Callum keeps his eyes dead straight ahead. He knows Ben’s looking at him but he isn’t going to let him off that easily. Ben walks towards him, slowly, and Callum waits, waits like he’s holding still so as not to spook a stray dog. 

Love is patience.

Ben sits next to him and this is starting to feel familiar, he lets his body rest against Callum’s and relaxes completely when Callum slips an arm around his shoulder. It's only when he's in his arms that he wonders if it's a good idea but by then it feels too late, like he has no choice but to surrender.

They sit in silence for the longest time, Ben folding against Callum in increments as his body unspools until his face is resting against Callum’s soft stomach. His face is pounding but he can handle it, it doesn't outweigh the warmth spreading through his veins like molasses.

Callum strokes his hair and Ben can feel that he’s watching him and it’s nice, it feels good to be watched over. He's never had this, this feeling of being watched for his own sake, of being watched over so he can finally rest his head. He runs his hand over Callum's thighs and takes comfort in his bigness, the way he envelops him even just sitting on the sofa.

The pressure in his face keeps building, first at the bridge of his nose but then all over until his vision goes blurry. But he doesn't want to break the spell so he holds still.

"Are you hurting?" Callum whispers.

Ben's heart sinks. “No, I'm alright." 

"Come on, you need to sit up.”

"Mm suppose you know best."

Callum continues to stroke his hair as he sits and then examines his face, it’s really too dark for him to be able to see but he ghosts his fingertips over Ben’s bruises, sighs over his swollen cheekbone.

“Think we need to get you to bed. Let me take you up.”

He sounds like Ben when Lexi starts to fall asleep during storytime. 

“Oh, I’m alright, I’m probably just going to pass out to be honest.”

“I’m knackered an’ all. Want me to stay? We can… we can pass out together.” 

Ben nods before he even has a chance to think. “If you want.”

“To be honest with ya, you’d be doing me a favour. If I go home now, I’ll have to tell Stu where I’ve been and--”

“Say no more. You're more than welcome to crash here.”

Callum grins wide and leans in to press a kiss against Ben’s jaw. 

Ben finds Callum a spare toothbrush, Ian bought a huge family pack when he came back from New Zealand and said he hoped there was enough to go around. It was far too subtle a dig to resonate with anyone in the house but it came in handy when Ben had guys stay over who tasted of cigarettes and cheap booze. Or nights like tonight when he wanted to do something to look after Callum. 

Ben changes into his glasses and cleans up for bed then sends Callum to the bathroom. Waiting for him in his bedroom makes him anxious. He wants to scream _hurry the fuck up_ or pretend to be asleep or climb out the window but actually, truth be told, he wants to be held so he takes a few belly deep breaths and perches on the edge of his chest of drawers to wait.

The door opens and Callum closes it so carefully, so quietly that it makes Ben melt, God, Callum just gives so much of a shit about everyone it's almost too much to bear. He takes off his jeans, hoodie and socks and climbs into bed first, settling himself on his back, then reaches out to Ben. Ben wants to drink this in, wants this moment, this moment where he is standing at the foot of the bed and Callum is waiting for him to last forever. He wants to die right now. This, this is perfect, this is promise and if a meteor could just crash through the ceiling right now he’d never have to know the pain of it being broken.

He takes off his glasses and slips into bed, resting his head on Callum’s chest, a moan escaping his lips when Callum wraps his arms around him.

“D’you always sleep with the curtains open a bit?”

“Suppose so, why?”

“It’s nice, seeing the stars as you lie in bed.”

“You can’t see the stars in Walford, Callum.”

“Mm, I wouldn’t be so sure.” Callum whispers, dropping a kiss on the top of Ben’s head.

Ben slides a leg in between Callum’s and shifts until every inch of their bodies are touching. It feels good, good in a way that makes him feel like he’s floating. 

“I’m safe now.”

“Hm?”

“You said you wanted me to be safe and I am, here, with you.”

“And come the morning?”

“You know me,” he laughs.

Callum tightens his grip and Ben nestles into his chest to try and stop himself from crying.

"This is nice, innit?" Callum whispers and Ben manages to nod. "We'll have to go to the Albert next time, darts is alright but it would be fun to have a dance."

"You just want to feel me up in public."

"Think we've done enough of that already for you to know... that's absolutely true."

They laugh and God it feels amazing. 

"Since you were, you know, worrying about what might happen tomorrow you can stay for breakfast, if you want. It'll just be toast with Lo and Lex, everyone else'll be out but.. stay, if you want."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

Ben wrestles free of Callum's embrace to kiss him goodnight, a soft, sleepy kiss that sends tingles through his whole body. 

"Goodnight," he whispers, settling back against Callum's chest. 

"I feel it too, you know."

"What?" Ben whispers.

Callum sighs a contented sigh and squeezes Ben tight. "Safe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Chapter 4: all that i want is everything i want. 
> 
> Ben invites Callum over late on Saturday night but there are confessions to be made and things that need to be said before the night is through.


	4. 12th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben invites Callum over late on Saturday night but there are confessions to be made and things that need to be said before the night is through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set the day after the episode where Martin beats Ben up and Ben later tells Martin that he works for him now (11.10.2019), or, the night after the previous chapter.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Open communication/discussions around sex.

_ **Saturday 12th October, 11.47pm** _

Ben stands smoking at the back door, this is becoming a habit but it’s keeping him here in his body so he’s not about to worry about kicking it just yet. He checks his watch and heads out through the yard and onto the street. There’s a group of girls screaming and giggling, not a rare sight on a Saturday night but one that never fails to piss him off. One of the girls tips sideways off the pavement and tumbles into the gutter; she’s so drunk she doesn’t even react. She tries scrambling to her feet but just as she gets upright, she falls again. Her friends walk on ahead, maybe they haven’t noticed she’s fallen or maybe they just don’t care, Ben supposes they amount to the same thing. 

Callum comes into view just as she falls for a third time and he starts jogging towards her. He picks her up like she’s weightless then takes her in his arms and steadies her. She gazes at him like he’s an angel. Ben takes a long drag of his cigarette. She links his arm and he walks with her, slowly, and takes her to her friends. All this, all this patience and quiet kindness like it’s nothing, like it’s natural. She thanks him as he deposits her into the arms of her group and she watches him walk away. Fuck, Ben thinks, he knows that look.

“My hero!” Ben calls out as he comes towards him.

“You’d have done the same.”

Ben laughs, “I mean, I didn’t.”

Callum takes Ben’s face in his hands and kisses him. “You just stood and watched?”

“Yeah,” Ben shrugs.

“Because you saw me helping?”

“Nah. I watched her fall.”

Callum licks his lips. “I ain’t one to judge.”

“I know..” 

Ben tosses his cigarette and grinds it under his heel then grabs hold of Callum’s bomber and tempts him in for another kiss. Callum slips his hands inside his jacket and his hands on Ben’s waist sends chills down his spine. 

“You gonna invite me in?”

Ben takes Callum’s hand and leads him inside, keeps holding on as he turns the key in the back door, keeps holding on all the way to his bedroom. Callum pushes Ben’s jacket off his shoulders and throws him down onto the bed as soon as they're alone. 

Callum straddles Ben's hips and stares at him with dark eyes. 

"What's with you texting me at half eleven asking if I was still up?"

"As if you don't know.” Ben reaches for Callum's belt but Callum grabs his wrists and wrestles his hands away. ”Then I go and get a front row seat to your knight and shining armour routine and, well…" 

“Knight in shining armour routine?”

“Yeah. It’s hot.”

"You really wasn't going to help that girl?"

"Nah. What's she to me?"

"So you only help people if there's something in it for you?"

"Doesn't everyone?" Callum doesn't answer. "Anyway, as if you would have helped her if you hadn't've seen me watching ya." Ben’s teasing, he knows Callum does everything out of the goodness of his heart.

Ben tries to move but Callum squeezes him still between his knees and tightens his grip on his wrists.

"So you saying you only helped me because you wanted something from me?"

"You know it weren't like that."

"I do, that's my point."

"I'm just saying, if you're stupid enough to drink so much you can't stand, I ain't going to be the one who helps you out."

"Apart from when you carried me home to bed the day Whit got home."

"You make it sound like I slung you over my shoulder."

"I don't remember much about that night so if you wanna say that's what happened--"

"It was. I gave you the old fireman's lift, carried you all the way across the Square." 

"My hero," he says, letting go of Ben’s wrists to jab him playfully in the ribs. 

“Callum, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, I really do, but do you honestly think I asked you over here for a _chat_?” He rests back on the bed, propped up on his elbows. “Come on.”

Callum moves smoothly off the bed and shucks down Ben's jeans with both hands. 

“Fast enough for ya?” Callum laughs but his face turns serious when Ben doesn’t react. “Do you want me to--”

“Fucking hell, Callum!" Callum continues to wait. "Yes!” 

Callum takes his boxers down and starts working Ben’s dick with his hand. It feels amazing, Callum totally in control, Ben lost in the darkness. Fucking finally. He relaxes completely and lets it sink in, the syrupy sweet pleasure, the soft duvet.

Callum nuzzles between Ben's legs, his stubble scraping against his inner thighs. God, what he wouldn’t do for Callum to grow out his facial hair. 

His mind starts to wander and soon Callum’s mouth could be anyone’s but it still feels good. He stares up at the ceiling light, it’s fuzzy in the almost dark and when he tries to see the print on the wall behind him, some canvas of a cityscape he’s never paid much mind, he starts to feel dizzy, like he’s dangling from the edge of something high.

“Hey,” Callum hovers over Ben, gently touching his face to get his attention. “You with me?”

“Yeah.” He shakes his head, shit. “Actually, no, but… but I want to be.”

“What do you need?”

Ben huffs out a sigh. “I don’t know.” Callum’s eyes are searching like he wants to help Ben find something in a drawer he’d rather keep private. Ben sits and pulls up his trousers and covers the open zipper with his shirt. “All this week I’ve had to keep one step ahead.” He wants to make Callum promise not to ask too many questions but he knows that would probably have the opposite effect.

“To stay in control?”

“Yeah.”

“And what about tonight? Do you wanna… be in control?”

“No.” Callum licks his lips at Ben’s confession. “That first night, you pushed me down, caught me off guard.”

“Every other time it’s been up to me, I’ve just felt pressure but with you..” he trails off.

Ben inches along towards Callum until they’re sitting shoulder to shoulder on the bed. He pushes his body against Callum's and Callum reaches for his hand and squeezes it hard. 

“The stakes were different," Ben whispers.

“Still high stakes but… but in a good way.”

 _I need you_ burns in Ben’s throat like battery acid until he feels like he might scream the words. “Callum,” he whispers, his voice hoarse, desperate.

Callum turns and kisses him wet and deep and instantly Ben feels like a teeanger again, kissing messy and wild. With their fingers intertwined, clasped together, Callum lifts Ben's hand in his and holds their fists over his heart like an act of defiance, like a symbol. They kiss and kiss until they're sharing remnants of breath, until Ben's face burns from the scratch of Callum's Saturday stubble against his chin, they kiss until every slide of Callum's lips, of his tongue feels electric, like kissing a live wire. 

Callum breaks the kiss and Ben falls forward, bereft, but Callum catches him only to let go his hand and shove him, hard, back onto the bed. Ben lays panting, Callum's dark, dark eyes holding him down. 

Ben nods, just once, just enough to let Callum know he's ready to submit and let go.

Callum tugs his jeans down again and looks at him, his chest heaving. He takes hold of Ben's ankles and he ends up with one boot halfway up the wall, one leg dangling off the bed. 

That first night, clothes in the way, the creak of Ben's leather jacket in time with his heavy breathing; desperate and intense. But this is not a cheap recreation, this is them, always looking for ways to get their hands inside, to give each other what they need knowing they've already waited long enough. Callum lowers himself slowly and then kisses and sucks along the length of Ben’s dick. This is what Ben had been waiting for. Patience is a virtue.

Callum does this thing with his tongue that makes Ben's hips buck uncontrollably and his boot squeaks down the wall. He slips a hand under Ben's t-shirt and smooths a thumb over his nipple and, fuck, if it was anyone else, Ben would resent the way he can make him shake with just the slightest touch but it's Callum and he knows he won't use this against him. Callum doesn't hold bargaining chips, when he sees someone fall, he helps them up. When he makes Ben tremble, he remembers how only so he can do it again.

Callum is a natural at this, like this is what he was born to do. Ben wriggles onto his elbows so he can look down at Callum but his soft hair has fallen across his face and Ben is overcome with his beauty instead. He isn’t one to call someone beautiful but Callum is. Beautiful like his, beautiful in how he tries.

"Fuck you're so good, babe," Ben says, carding his fingers through Callum's hair.

Callum pulls off his dick with a loud, wet pop and looks at Ben. 

“What did you call me?” Ben just watches, just holds the moment; he stares at Callum’s swollen, slick lips and breathes into the deep ache of his straining dick. He has no idea, does he? He has no idea how perfect he is. If he had the words, he’d tell him. “Ben, what did you call me?”

“ _Babe_ ," Ben says with a smirk.

“Mm thought so.”

Callum climbs over him and kisses him, the rough scrape of his jeans against Ben’s dick makes his whole body jump and twist. There’s something about this, how Callum always wants him in this raw, wild way. It makes him feel alive.

“Fuck, I’m so close." Callum grinds his hips and Ben bangs his boot hard against the wall; Callum laughs at him, the shit and does it again. "Ugh, get back down there," Ben pleads, shoving at Callum's shoulders. 

Callum kneels up and starts to unzip his hoodie. "Thought you wanted me to be in control."

"Alright, I'll compromise, let me,” Ben reaches for his zip.

“No it’s ok, I've got it." 

Callum's voice is pitchy and he shuffles out of Ben's reach. It doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like a move. It feels like fear, the way a wounded animal backs away even from comfort.

“D’you not want to do this?”

“‘Course I do!” Callum forces a smile.

Ben reaches out again and Callum moves back like he’s been burned. Ben feels sick with panic, whatever he's done, no, whatever he didn't notice because he was so wrapped up in his own pleasure, as always, has hurt Callum. No way could this be worse. Ben clambers out from under him, stumbles to his feet and pulls up his jeans as Callum moves to sit on the edge of the bed.

They watch each other, Ben still out of breath, Callum’s mouth still shining like an open wound. 

“I just--” Callum sighs and shakes his head.

“What?” Ben balls his fists to try to keep from crying.

“This is going to sound so daft, considering… It’s just I ain’t ever-- God. I ain’t ever had someone undress me, not like this. Not when I actually wanted..." He sighs. "And don’t ask me why that feels scarier than…” He gestures vaguely then touches his fingers to his lips.

Oh. Shit. 

“It don’t sound daft.” Callum nods. “Do you… do you want me to..?”

“Yes. Yes, I do.” 

Ben rushes to him and stands in between his legs. Callum nuzzles against Ben, breathing him in deeply, all sighs and soft moans. He holds Ben at the waist and looks up at him, his bright eyes turned storm grey in the half dark. Ben lets out a shaky breath.

“I’ve been thinking about you all day,” Callum whispers, so softly it makes Ben’s knees go weak.

"Really? I've been thinking about you too." Callum smiles like it's the most wonderful thing he's ever heard. "Come here."

Callum stands and kisses the top of Ben's head. "I'm here. I want this."

Ben kicks off his boots then pulls the zip of Callum's hoodie all the way down and runs his hands up Callum's chest to slide it off his shoulders. 

Callum leads the way back to bed and Ben joins him. They fit together effortlessly, like this is what their bodies were made for. 

Ben kisses Callum’s neck and Callum grabs a handful of duvet when he finds this one spot behind his jaw so Ben uses his tongue to trace the tender skin there and Callum dissolves into a flurry of moans. He takes Ben’s wrist and guides his hand between his legs and Ben rubs him through his jeans while he continues to shower his throat in kisses. 

Ben pushes Callum’s shirt up out of the way and kisses his chest, the scar on his side, the trail of hair to his bellybutton. 

Callum touches Ben’s shoulder and starts to sit and Ben follows his lead. Callum finds the hem of Ben’s shirt and pulls it off over his head and throws it. Ben does the same and drops Callum's shirt onto the floor on top of his own.

“Hey,” Ben whispers.

Callum smiles his big sunshine smile, “Hey yourself."

“Come here.” 

Ben falls into Callum and they wrap their arms around each other. Skin against skin, Callum’s warm breath on the back of his neck, it feels like everything he’s been needing all week but wouldn’t let himself have. 

Callum draws back to look at Ben’s face and whatever he sees, he decides not to say anything. Instead he turns and stares at the puddle of their shirts on the floor like it's a work of art.

Ben kisses Callum’s temple to call him back to the moment and waits for him to meet his eye before he undoes the button of his jeans then carefully unzips his fly. Callum lays down and lets Ben pull his jeans off and bites his lip when they hit the floor.

Callum leans over and hooks a finger in Ben’s belt loop. “Now take them off,” he says, his voice low.

It makes Ben's insides fizz when Callum talks like that but it's comforting too, it wasn't just a front, he does want Ben like this. What Ben brought out in him was real, it belonged to him, belonged to them.

Ben backs off the bed and stands waiting to make sure he has Callum’s full attention. Callum looks like a dream come true in his blue boxer shorts and white socks, sprawled out on Ben’s bed. Ben goes slow as he unzips his fly and then turns around and bends over as he slides his jeans down and kicks them off his feet. He turns back to Callum, slips his fingers into the waistband of his boxers and lets them fall from his hips. Callum's expression glazes over and he reaches out to draw Ben back towards him. 

"You ready?" Ben whispers.

"Yeah, yeah I am." He says it like it's a revelation.

Ben drags Callum's boxers off and stops to look at him. "You're so fucking gorgeous."

"So are you." Ben feels heat rising in his face. "You know that, don't ya?"

"Yeah, 'course I do," Ben shrugs and goes to kiss Callum's neck but he stops him with a firm hand on his chest.

"No, I mean, you know I think you're.. fucking gorgeous, yeah?"

Ben laughs, his words in Callum's mouth will never not be pure gold. "Yeah alright, I believe ya."

"Your arms--"

"My _arms_?"

"Yeah and your shoulders and your stomach," Callum trails his fingertips across Ben's stomach making his insides flutter.

"Alright, alright. I told you, I believe ya."

Callum sits up so Ben’s knees are either side of his thighs and takes Ben in his arms again.

"Mm your chest. Ohh and your lips," he runs the pad of his thumb across Ben's mouth. "And your…" he circles an arm around Ben's waist and slips the other one down to squeeze Ben's arse.

Ben giggles, actually giggles, like there's pure unadulterated joy bubbling through his body. 

He wants to tell him that he’d give him anything, no, everything, he would, he would. He wants to. He rests his head on Callum’s shoulder, settles into the crook of his neck and sinks into his embrace. 

"Ben…" 

"Yeah?"

Callum smooths his hands over Ben's back, traces ciphers into his skin that light the room up bright. He keeps touching, hands everywhere and Ben keeps sinking, breathing in Callum's smell, his heat, his affection. 

Callum tickles the back of Ben's neck. "Hey, look at me." Ben lifts his head and meets Callum's eye. "You ok?"

Ben doesn't want to think about that. "Kiss me." 

Callum bumps his nose against Ben's to tilt his face and kisses him deep and deeper still. Ben pushes back, trying to keep up with Callum's kiss. They grip at each other, pushing and pulling, both strong, both hungry.

He feels Callum hard against his stomach and it stirs something inside him and he reaches between them to stroke Callum's dick and watches in awe as he rocks into his fist. 

Callum yanks at Ben to bring him closer and sinks his fingers into Ben's back to hold him against him. Ben falls back into the crook of Callum's neck and lets him grind their bodies together and fuck it feels good. Callum wrenches at him like he wants to tear him to pieces then snakes his hands up Ben's back and grabs his shoulders, fingers digging in. Ben rocks his hips and yeah it feels good, the friction, but Callum's moans and grunts are something else. 

He doesn't want to push him too far, too fast but Ben knows they're going to be amazing at all of this, that they're on the edge of something sublime.

Callum draws his knees up and his whole body shudders and jerks. Nobody else has ever seen Callum this turned on, this shattered. The thought makes him want more of this, more of this unravelling.

"Lie down." Callum doesn't seem to register the words. "Lie down, babe." 

Callum's eyes go wide and he flops back onto the bed and for a second Ben is overcome by how adorable he is but he quickly snaps out of it when Callum whimpers and clutches at the sheets. Ben settles in between his thighs and makes sure Callum's looking before he takes his dick all the way down to his throat in one fluid movement. Callum is big but Ben knows what he's doing and he doesn't falter. 

"Fuck, that's amazing, you're amazing, you're so good, fuck, you're-- that's-- fuck. Fuck. Ohhh." Callum places a trembling hand on the back of Ben's neck and watches him with pupils so blown his eyes look like pitch black pools. Ben slides up enough to catch his breath and then pushes down again and Callum hisses through gritted teeth. "Fuck, oh my God if you do that again I'm not gonna--"

Ben bobs up, presses his tongue into the length of Callum's dick and sinks back down. Callum rolls his hips and tears prickle in Ben's eyes so he pulls up just enough to be able to take Callum's thrusts and he's disappointed with himself but Callum doesn't miss a beat, keeps moving in a steady rhythm. Ben rides the waves with him until the pressure in his chest is too much. He comes up for air, gasps like a drowning man and then licks his lips, dives back, laves the head of Callum's straining dick with his tongue before taking him down again, sinking to the bottom together. 

Callum makes a sound like he's just experienced the ultimate defeat, like he knows it's all over. He claws at Ben's shoulders with blunt fingernails and at the last second presses his fist into his mouth to muffle his cries. Ben holds fast as Callum snaps his hips and grips his shoulders tighter and tighter. When he eventually comes to rest, Ben makes sure he's looking before he swallows, hard. 

"You're welcome," he says, purely so Callum can hear his wrecked voice. 

"I can't feel my face,” Callum says it like it’s a question. 

Ben laughs, really laughs and collapses against Callum's chest. 

"Are you staying?"

"I can't feel my legs."

"I'll take that as a yes."

Callum huffs and mutters another fuck to himself. Ben never thought he'd hear Callum say so many fucks but he's already longing to hear it again. When Ben closes his eyes, the whole room spins so he holds on to Callum. He wishes they were under the duvet, hidden away from the world, but this will do.

"I have to pee."

Ben startles, hard. "Fuck's sake," he barks the words, he doesn't mean to, it's just how they come out. Callum laughs like Ben couldn't possibly be serious but right now he is. He gets out of bed and starts searching around for his clothes. "Come on, tick tock," Ben snaps his fingers.

Callum pulls on his boxers and manages to get his t-shirt inside out and back to front then bumps out of the room, swaying like those drunk girls. Ben settles under the covers and moves up against the wall so Callum can just slip in next to him. 

Callum sheds his clothes when he comes back and crams into the tiny bed. 

"Hey, you didn't, you know,” Callum, says, gently sweeping Ben's hair away from his eyes.

"God, what?" 

"Finish." 

Ben freezes, he's right, isn’t he? "I'm alright."

"Did I--"

"You were amazing, it's just been a long week."

"You said before that you were close, did I--"

Ben scrambles to sit up and ends up tangled in sheets and half straddling Callum and fuck he’s not about to talk this out. "Seriously, babe. We're good. I'm gonna go take a piss and then let's just get some sleep, yeah?" 

Ben climbs out of bed, throws on his dressing gown and heads downstairs. He's at the back door breathing in lungfuls of cold air before he even knows he's there. 

He used to wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath as a kid and he'd go to the window like the problem was a lack of fresh air and not the tightening in his chest. He was little then but he’s a man now. A man with a family to protect. He turns back into the room and fumbles in the dark before he remembers his jacket is on the bedroom floor. He just needs a smoke or a drink or something - fuck!

The room suddenly explodes with light and he covers his face with his hands.

"Breathe." Ben hears Callum's voice. "Breathe," he says again and lays two heavy hands on Ben's shoulders. Ben lets himself go and finds Callum there, solid and real. "I'm here."

They stand for a while until Callum draws Ben inside and closes the door. 

"I am so messed up,” he murmurs. 

Callum hugs him tight. "Everyone's a bit messed up but we're okay, ain't we? Me and you?" Ben nods. "I reckon we're doing alright then." 

That's Callum's mantra, isn't it? Ben likes it. He might make it his.

Callum leads Ben back to the bedroom. He unties his dressing gown like he thinks it might be what’s holding Ben together. Callum lays Ben down in bed and watches over him, stroking his hair and his face until eventually he slips into sleep. 

Ben wakes up with a start, it’s still dark, it’s still not morning. Callum reaches out for him and squeezes his arm. 

"Sorry," Ben whispers.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah."

Ben listens to Callum's heartbeat and feels the gentle rise and fall of his chest. It's so calm in his room, so quiet. This is all Callum, he does this. He doesn't even have to try, it's just who he is. His world is so warm and sweet and soft. 

What he said to Martin wasn't right. He isn't a bit bigger. He is bigger. He is big. Anyone who thinks they can fuck with him is wrong, anyone who thinks he's weak has another thing coming. If twisted is what he is, then fine. He has to protect his family whatever it takes. A weak man cannot keep the people he loves safe. 

He props himself up on his elbow and waits for Callum to open his eyes. 

"Tell me you don't want me to be one of the good guys."

"What?" 

"Tell me you think it's hot. Tell me you like that I just watched that girl fall."

"I don’t understand..."

"Tell me I'm-- I’m bad and you like it." Callum drags a hand over his face. "Just admit the tru--"

“Ben.” Callum’s voice, like a song you haven’t heard in years that incapacitates you when it plays unexpectedly on the radio. With all the air knocked out of the room, Ben has no choice but to hold his breath. “Ben, I want you because you’re you.”

“If you only knew--”

“But I do.” Callum groans and stretches, trying to wake himself up all the way. “You know this morning when you overdid the toast and it burnt your fingers? Lexi giggled until juice came out her nose. You was yelling and hopping around and she was laughing and to be honest with ya, so was I. Actually, a bit of juice came out of my nose too.”

“Charming,” Ben says, unable to hide his smile, already comforted by Callum’s reminiscence. 

“You ain’t nothing but Ben to the people who-- to the people who care about ya. I don’t need to know what you’ve done or what anyone outside thinks. I ain’t in bed with you ‘cause I’ve got a thing for bad boys. I’m here because of you.”

The words sink in and Ben lands back in the room, in himself. He hears Ian snoring down the hall and the drip of rainwater on his sill from the leaky gutter. 

“Well," he says, stroking Callum's face, "you’re Lexi’s new favourite person after you rescued breakfast and made us all French toast.”

“Hang on a minute.” Ben’s heart skips a beat. “You ain’t trying to tell me you’ve got a thing for blokes who trained as chefs and that’s the only reason you--”

Ben covers Callum’s mouth with his hand, “Shh! Don’t make me say it!”

“I knew it!” Callum mumbles. 

“Turns me on, watching you whisk.”

Callum yanks Ben’s hand away and kisses his wrist. “Stands to reason you’d be turned on by good cooking. Lola said you once burned pasta. Apparently you had to throw the whole pan away. Who boils pasta until it's dry?" 

“Alright, it ain’t how it sounds. I took my eye off it for five minutes, it happens."

"It doesn't."

"Right, out with it. What else did she tell you?”

A huge grin spreads across Callum’s face, “That you got told to pipe down at sing-a-long Grease because you was being too loud.”

Ben wrestles Callum to try and fight his way out of bed. “I just wanna talk to her, let me out!”

Callum tackles Ben down and pins his wrists so effortlessly it turns the atmosphere in the room thick. 

Ben tangles his fingers in Callum's soft hair and closes his eyes, lets himself sink back into the pillow and waits to be kissed. Callum lips on his sends tingles all through his body, Callum's kisses are right out of some sweeping West End production, they're the big finish kiss before the curtains fall, as the coda rings out. 

Callum kisses Ben’s face and then his ear, catches his lobe between his teeth and tugs eliciting a moan from Ben. He sighs and his warm breath on Ben’s neck makes his heart dance. He whispers, low, in Ben’s ear, “You can let go now. Hold onto the headboard.”

Ben smiles at the juxtaposition but then he sees the look in Callum's eyes and he does as he's told, wrapping his fingers around the slats of the headboard.

“This is good,” Ben chokes out.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nods.

Callum kneels over Ben and takes off his t-shirt, shakes his soft hair so it falls just so around his face. Ben drinks him in, his powder blue shorts and those thick thighs, his half hard dick tenting the fabric - fuck. Ben feels laid out, exposed but completely safe, it’s the best he’s felt in the longest time. 

Callum rests a hand on his own stomach and Ben’s vision goes blurry for a second, he wants to tell him what to do but that’s not the deal. Callum slides his hand downwards, slowly, slowly and hisses through his teeth when his fingers graze over his bulge. He dips his hand under the waistband of his boxers and starts to stroke himself. The small noises he makes at the back of his throat force Ben to grip the headboard until his fists start to burn. 

Ben can just about make out a wet patch spreading across the front of Callum’s shorts and he rattes the headboard in frustration. Callum keeps stroking then twists his nipple in between two fingers and throws his head back at the sensation. This is torture. This has to be what hell is. If being good sends you to heaven, Ben decides that this is his sign to stay on the path he’s on. Lying here, burning up, practically fucking drooling, he could spend eternity here, he deserves to. But Callum is nothing if not merciful and he crawls down Ben’s body and parts his thighs.

Callum starts out licking hot stripes along the length of Ben’s dick while his hands search for the places that make Ben shudder. He rolls his hips, pressing deeper into Callum's mouth and soon it's just this and nothing else, Callum moans every time he thrusts and it's so hot, so fucking hot. He lets it take him. He feels like they're floating, their bodies suspended above the bed, not a single thought in his head, just this connection, just the perfection of this thing between him and Callum. The rolling pleasure builds and builds and they float higher and higher until he's dizzy with it, his head in the stars and his heart racing. He can hear the blood pumping in his veins and the wet smack of Callum's mouth and their intermingled sighs and moans and this, this must be what heaven is. Life suspended, lost in this forever. He's changed his mind, he's seen the light. 

The moment builds and builds and Ben becomes weightless, ephemeral. Callum moves up his body to hold him as he comes so he doesn't scatter into pieces across the sky they created. He strokes Ben with the lightest touch until he's spent then kisses him feather soft. Ben's body tingles all over, every part of him lit up and sparkling.

Callum sinks into the space between Ben and the wall and reaches down between them, stifling his moans against Ben's shoulder. 

"Wait, wait," Ben rolls over and stills Callum’s wrist. "What do you want?" 

"Your hand," he breathes. 

Ben helps Callum push his shorts down and then takes hold of his dick. Callum seeks out Ben's mouth and kisses him sloppily, grunting with every twist of Ben's hand. He uses his ring to press into the tip of Callum's dick and he bucks so hard Ben has to use his knee to keep himself rooted to the bed. He does it three more times and Callum tips over the edge, he doesn't shoot, he spills cum in hot gushes which look amazing trailing down his beautiful dick. 

“You’re such a dream,” Ben whispers.

He keeps his hand moving until it makes Callum twitch. “I think you’re doing that on purpose,” Callum whines.

Ben stops and pulls him in for a kiss, a kiss in lieu of all the things Ben wants to say, a litany of praise, admiration, adoration. When the kiss melts away, they knit together, facing each other, Ben tucked against Callum’s body. 

Callum doesn't want him to be anything but himself. _I'm here because of you_. It's hard to believe but Callum seemed so sure. Callum makes everything feel like it's the right size, like Ben doesn't have to be big or worry about being engulfed. He just has to exist. 

"Hey, don't go when it gets light out."

"I won't, I’ll stay. I want to stay."

Ben falls asleep with Callum caressing his back, his fingers bumping along the length of Ben’s spine like he’s reciting some wordless prayer. Tonight they get to be alone together; untethered, floating outside of time in the night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I should have said Ben decided to stay on the highway to hell, shouldn’t I? Missed opportunity if ever there was one. 
> 
> Chapter 5: take me down with you
> 
> Ben feels a pang of guilt when Callum says he tells him everything after their failed date in E20. But the night is still young so Ben decides to take him for a night drive and after a starlit heart to heart, they make a decision about their relationship.


	5. 18th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set on the same night as Ben and Callum’s date in E20 that ends in Callum intervening on Whitney and Leo’s date (18.10.2019). 
> 
> Ben is thrown by Callum’s honesty when he tells him about Whitney trying to kiss him and decides to take them out for a night drive to clear his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is because Chelsea Dagger was playing as they were leaving the pub. In case you were wondering...
> 
>  **Warnings:** Mild D/s dynamics, car sex/sex in public.

_**18th October, 2019** _

“Tell you what, why don’t you stop worrying about everyone else and just start enjoying yourself, ey?” 

Callum smiles fondly, that smile that makes Ben ache and leans in and kisses him. He lights the fuse with one chaste kiss and his hands at his sides. When he pulls away, he gives Ben a look that sucks all the air out of the room and wipes the smile off his face. He takes Callum’s hand and leads him out of the pub. 

And if anything were ever that simple between them, Ben would know where he was leading him but Callum’s words are still ringing in his head. He said, _I just wanna be honest with you_. Honest. Ben falters slightly as he walks and Callum lets go of his hand to drape an arm around his shoulders.

Ben opens the front door and is met with the sound of the TV blaring from the living room. Part of him wants to take Callum upstairs and part of him doesn’t know what to do.

“Ben, are you alright?” 

Callum is silhouetted against the night in the open doorway and Ben can't see his face. There isn’t a single thing he can say and it feels good to admit that, even if just to himself. He walks over to Callum and places a hand over his heart and asks, “Do you wanna go for a drive?”

“I don’t really care, so long as it’s with you.”

How many people can say shit like that and actually mean it? Ben falls against Callum's chest, he doesn’t mean to, he just finds himself falling and Callum catches him and holds him there in the inbetween. Ben leans into the embrace but all he feels is backlash, an internal reprisal for letting himself fall, for wanting to be held. He straightens his back and bolsters himself against it; tonight he just wants to drive fast and not think about anything. 

He takes Callum's hand and leads him to the car lot where he retrieves the keys for a BMW that came in earlier in the day. She's a beauty and he knows Callum is impressed too, whether he shows it or not. 

Ben runs ahead and opens the passenger door with a flourish, he wants to make it look like this shit is second nature to him, he wishes it was, “Your carriage awaits.”

Callum climbs in and slides the seat back and he looks so big, Ben stares for a moment under the pretence of letting him get settled before closing the door then jumps into the driver's seat. He took her out for a drive earlier so everything's in place and he's all ease and control as he pulls out of the lot.

There was a time when driving didn't feel like this, like freedom, a time when he'd stall when he wanted to go fast but something clicked and he got it now. He got that it was just about the going, like with most things in life there were no real skills required just conviction, just the willingness to follow through. He speeds out of Walford without a destination in mind, _so long as it’s with you_. Ben takes a corner too fast and Callum grabs his thigh, not out of fear but for the thrill of it, he knows from the way his eyes light up. 

Callum turns the radio on and flicks through stations until he lands on Bowie’s _Modern Love_. He turns it up loud and leans back in his seat, his eyes fixed on Ben’s hands as he switches gears. Ben follows the lights, just enjoying the freedom and the music and Callum’s gaze. Rain starts to scatter across the windshield.

“How’d you know this was just what I needed after tonight?”

Ben glances at Callum. He didn’t. “Just a hunch.” _All The Young Dudes_ starts to play and Callum slumps down further like this is the first time he’s let himself relax in forever. “You like this one?”

“Bowie wrote it, I know you know,” he laughs, “he said it weren’t a hymn to youth but it was for me, I used to listen to this song and let myself dream about, well...” Ben glances at him and meets his eye. “I used to dream about times like this. That's the power of Bowie, I guess."

Ben laughs. The power of Bowie. He's not wrong. Callum sings along to the next line, _gonna race some cat to bed_ and takes Ben’s hand as he shifts closer and closer.

When they hit a red light, they reach for each other like it's in the terms of some silent agreement that they must touch whenever they can. Callum kisses him like they have all night, deep and slow and open and their world becomes neon red and blue, quiet and contained. Ben holds Callum’s hand tight, grips harder and harder as they kiss, a small outlet for the want clawing at his chest. If tonight reminded Ben of anything, it was that they couldn’t just drive away and leave everything behind but they could stop, they could find escape in each other. 

Ben registers the sound of car horns and then processes what that means. Shit. He rips himself away to see the light turned green. He yells a stream of expletives and races through the light as it starts to change to amber and Callum whoops as they blast forward into the night. 

“You’re a bad influence on me, Highway.”

“Nobody’s ever said that to me before.”

“Then they must not have known ya.” 

Callum lets out a contented sigh and rubs his hand over his chest and Ben has to use every ounce of willpower to keep his eyes on the road. He wants to suggest they find a place to pull over and he’s sure that Callum would say yes but just before he can say anything Callum suddenly jumps and pulls his hand from Ben’s to fumble for his phone.

“Ack, I hoped it was Stuart.” 

“You still worrying about him?” 

“I would just feel better if I knew he was alright. We was meant to be getting a takeaway and he disappeared.”

“And you got to go for a drink with me, well, for about 10 minutes,” Ben laughs but is met with silence.

“He might have gone back down Mile End Road, he said that’s where he’d been.” Ben does a u-turn and starts driving back the way he came. “Oh, Ben, we don’t have to go home just because--”

“--We ain’t, we’re going to Mile End.”

Callum reaches out and reclaims Ben’s hand. “Thank you.” 

Love Will Tear Us Apart starts playing and Callum sends a text and sinks back into his reverie. Ben pulls over at The Wentworth Arms and Callum gets out wordlessly and is gone for a few minutes before he emerges with his phone to his ear. Ben watches him as he talks, it’s definitely Stuart because he looks that mixture of sad and exasperated. Ben knows that look, he’s seen it on his dad’s face enough times to know it by heart.

He gets back into the car and lands heavily in his seat.

“Where is he?” 

“Home. Apparently he went to speak to your mum, she’s fine, totally held her own by the sounds of things, then reckons he had chips with Whitney and now he’s back at the flat,” he groans and puts his head in his hands, “I’m sorry, Ben.”

“For what? You were just trying to do the right thing. You ain’t at fault for anything your brother does.”

“I feel like I’ve ruined the mood.” 

“Come here,” Ben leans into his space and kisses him. “Feel better?”

“Yeah,” Callum whispers.

“Let’s make the most of being here, ey?” Ben drives down the street and pulls in at the park. He opens Callum’s passenger door for him and Callum climbs out and slips an arm around his shoulders and they walk together into the near darkness up to the top of the artificial hill. “I always did like this view.”

They look out past the canal to the twinkling lights of Canary Wharf in the distance, blinking red, blue and green. It’s still raining slightly so Ben tucks in against Callum’s chest.

"It's beautiful." Callum shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "Actually, Ben, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Yeah?”

“The other morning, when I came to ask you to breakfast, you was on the phone and you said not to worry, that it was ‘too early for a hookup’.”

Ben freezes. “It was a joke?”

He feels Callum’s chest heave. “So, you ain’t--.”

“No, I ain’t seeing anyone else,” Ben gently pushes Callum away to look at him, “It was a stupid joke, bad habit, I guess. I was talking to a business associate. I-- I deleted the app.” Callum doesn’t say anything. The rain starts falling more heavily but Callum keeps staring out over the city like he can’t feel it at all. Ben has to make him believe this. “I’ve been waiting for you for months, I don’t want anybody else.” The words come out in a rush and too loud and he regrets them instantly even though they’re true.

“Me neither. I just had to ask."

Is that it? Ben looks down at the ground and his head spins. The rain dampens the city sounds and it feels like it’s just them in all the world. It makes him want to turn and run.

“I get it, I do, I get it. If you give people an inch, they take a mile. If you go around assuming people ain’t got anything to hide, you’re gonna end up getting a nasty shock.”

“That ain’t true and it ain’t what I’m saying. We hadn’t talked about whether we was exclusive or not, I’m beyond happy that we are but I wasn’t accusing you of taking me for a ride or-- or hiding things. Ben, if there’s something you wanna tell me…”

“There ain’t.”

“Then what are you talking about? You’ve been distant and you’re always checking your phone and you show up to the pub with bruises on your face and then you come out with all this about a-- a nasty shock.” Callum glares at him and Ben almost loses his footing on solid ground. 

“I’m just saying,” Ben searches for the words, “I’m just saying--” Callum shakes his head in disbelief. “I’m sorry, it’s just work, I swear, it ain’t you. You are so good, Callum.”

Callum groans and throws his hands up in the air, “We keep having this same conversation, I don’t know how to get it through to you that I just wanna be there for you.”

Fuck. “I know you do! And I wanna be there for you. If there was anything to tell you, I would.”

Callum draws Ben into his arms and he melts at his touch and sways with the swell of his chest when he takes a deep breath of cold night air. 

“Just don’t assume I’m thinking the worst of you because I'm not, alright?"

“Alright.”

"I worry about you. You've still got them two black eyes and it's been a week. Whoever did that--," he sighs.

"I can handle myself?"

Ben shoves Callum off and walks away. Fuck this. Callum always has to have the last word, well, not tonight.

"Ben!" Callum grabs his arm and holds him still in the pouring rain halfway down the hill. "I know you can handle yourself and I never thought you was taking a lend of me." He walks in front of Ben to meet his eye. "Just us, yeah? Me and you?"

"You what?"

"That's all that's important, isn't it?" 

Ben softens, Callum looks beautiful in the rain and this part of his life could be so good, maybe. He looks over his shoulder at the car and then back at Callum.

"Yeah, me and you," Ben says, uselessly, it feels like there's too much to be said to say anything at all. 

Callum closes the gap between them and kisses Ben, a perfect Hollywood kiss in the rain that he knows he doesn't deserve but that's okay, after all, life's not fair.

"Let's get out of this rain," Callum grabs his hand and they run down the hill and through the park, hands tightly clasped. 

Ben holds the car door for Callum and he throws his wet jacket into the back then climbs in. Ben turns on the heater as Callum shakes out his hair and Ben can’t help but smile at seeing him so free and they both dissolve into giggles when they meet each other’s gaze, filled with the pure joy of being together. He's the only person Ben can fight with who doesn't hold a grudge.

“I was so bored before I met you,” Callum says, still laughing.

“Not as bored as me.”

Callum rolls his eyes and Ben lunges at him and tickles his sides and Callum squirms and yells. When Ben relents, Callum breathes heavily and Ben notices the way his shirt clings over his broad chest and hard nipples, how his hair looks slicked back. Suddenly it’s not so funny anymore. 

Callum turns, his eyes intense and, for once, Ben doesn’t care what he sees so long as he doesn’t look away. Ben reaches over and uses his knuckle to bump over Callum’s nipple and he grits his teeth. 

He tilts his head, "You like that?"

"Yeah," Callum whispers.

Their last night together, Callum put on a show for him and his head rolled back when he tweaked his nipple and fuck, now Ben really wants to know how far this goes. He reaches for Callum again but a bunch of students walk past and he pulls his body in tight.

Not here then, but he needs to find somewhere close, he doesn’t want to risk losing the momentum. He thinks for a moment then speeds off.

Callum keeps staring, even as he reaches for his seatbelt. "You're going the wrong way.”

"No, I’m not."

Ben pulls into a car park down round Bow Wharf, there's a bar at the far end but there’s a low wall ringing it off and it’s big enough to have some privacy over on the far corner. Ben parks and turns off the engine. The silence feels thick and heavy so he reaches for the radio but Callum grabs his wrist. 

"Ben…" Callum’s voice sounds wrecked already.

A few cars whizz past. 

Callum reaches out for him as Ben crawls over and straddles his thighs, always in sync, perpetually drawn together. Callum pushes Ben's leather jacket off his shoulders and then his button up and runs his hands all over him through his t-shirt.

The rain gets heavier, white noise shrouds them from the world outside so there's nothing but the sound of their breathing and Ben’s heartbeat hammering in his ears. 

A raindrop rolls down Ben's face from his hair and drips onto Callum's cheek like a tear. Callum sweeps Ben's hair out of his face, the way he did when he was bleeding in his arms, the bullet wound itches whenever he thinks of it, maybe it always will. 

Ben braces himself and circles Callum's nipples through his shirt and he reflexively spreads his legs and lets his head fall back. Everyone has something that cracks them open, Ben wants to show him how just far he can go, he wants to make him lose control. 

Ben undoes the first few buttons of Callum’s shirt and slips a hand inside. He rubs his thumb against Callum’s nipple and he squirms, he does it again and Callum gropes around until he catches hold of the roof handle. The first time Callum kissed him, he undid Ben’s shirt buttons and reached inside, even before he went for his belt, he should’ve known he was asking for the same.

Ben palms Callum through his jeans and his heart beats faster when he feels just how hard he already is. He twists his nipple rhythmically in time with the press of his hand and Callum grunts hard on every exhale.

Callum, his head still thrown back, still lost in his own world, flicks his thumb over his other nipple then tweaks it sharply. 

“Is that what you like?” He jumps hard at the sound of Ben's voice. 

“Nobody’s ever done it for me,” he rests his head on his shoulder to look at Ben, “but yeah, this, this is," he laughs, "Ugh, I like this.”

“So, when you’re alone, you…” Ben pinches Callum’s nipple between his fingers and he cries out. “Like that?” Ben pinches again, this time with more force.

“Just a bit…” he stops short and sucks on his bottom lip like a gag.

“Just a bit more ...gentle?” Ben taunts. Callum shakes his head no but that's not good enough. Ben takes a fistful of his hair and lifts his head to make sure he’s watching and Callum's eyes roll back. "Look at me," Ben barks and Callum's eyes snap back into focus. Ben sucks on his finger and brings it out wet, leaving a trail of saliva from his lips to his fingertip. Callum watches, enrapt, as he traces the peak of his swollen nipple. “Like that?”

Ben blows warm breath over his spit wet nipple and Callum presses his hard dick into his palm. 

“Mmph, that’s good but I… I like it harder,” Callum’s voice cracks. 

Ben twists his nipple and rocks his hips at the same time and Callum nearly hits the ceiling, his hand already turned white from how hard he’s gripping the handle.

"I've got a deal for ya, you tell me more and I’ll...,” he pretends to think, tapping his chin for emphasis, “You tell me more and I’ll use my teeth.” Callum whines from the back of his throat and Ben tightens his grip on his hair. “One time only deal, tick tock.”

“I err…. If I didn’t have to be quick, I..” A car drives past and Callum watches it go. “I’d get as close as I could just, just…” Ben twists again and Callum lifts out of his seat and takes him along for the ride, zero gravity. 

“Just?” 

“Just like that until I.. until I couldn’t stand it anymore.” 

He wants to be pushed, the thought sends all Ben’s blood rushing to his dick. 

Ben reclines the seat and Callum lets go of the handle, his hand slamming against the window instead. 

"You ever do it thinking about me?"

"Two nights ago. You didn't answer your phone. I was thinking about the last time we were together."

"It was work or I would have--"

"--You shake after you come, it drives me crazy, it's all I could think about."

Ben reels, "What are you on about?" He waits but Callum doesn't answer. "I asked you a question." Callum looks up at him from under his lashes.

Ben twists both of his nipples at the same time and grinds his hips and Callum falls back into his seat with a shout. 

"I love making you shake." 

Ben watches him. A car drives by and his face flashes bright in the headlights then everything goes dark again. He wants to grab his shoulders and scream at him to tell him why, why that? But he's tired of screaming, tired even of the screaming in his own head, so he leans in and kisses Callum's parted lips instead and then presses his mouth against his throat where his pulse races. This, this is blood and sweat, this is real and certain. This, what he has with Callum, it belongs to him, at least in part. The noise in his head dies down.

Ben kisses Callum's chest and he holds himself still but Ben feels the tension just beneath the surface, his body an unexploded bomb. He licks a stripe across the nipple he’s been neglecting and Callum huffs out a breath, then composes himself, he uses his tongue to circle and tease and Callum holds taut. 

Ben kisses across the planes of Callum's chest and catches his other nipple between his teeth and bites down lightly; Callum writhes beneath him like a drowning man, holds his breath for dear life. Ben bites down again then uses his teeth to graze and Callum makes a beautiful, almost sobbing noise and finally, finally starts to come apart. 

Ben bites and sucks while he uses a hand to play with Callum's other nipple. He can't get the angle right to get any satisfaction of his own, can't even manage to hump Callum's thigh which, honestly, he isn't above doing. But this isn't about him. He's relentless, not bothering to find a rhythm, just doing what he feels like to keep Callum on edge.

Callum’s body moves out of sync, jumping and twitching as Ben works and a litany of moans and grunts emanates from the back of his throat. Callum reaches up to hold onto the shoulders of the seat and arches his back and it's beautiful, like ballet. Ben takes his free hand and holds him, one firm hand on the small of his back and feels how Callum burns for him. 

Ben flicks his tongue a few times over Callum’s nipple then alternates between flicking and biting until Callum starts shaking the seat like he’s trying to rip it out of the floor. He says something that Ben can’t even begin to comprehend but which sounds a lot like begging so he bites down again and again until Callum reaches between them and fumbles with his belt buckle. 

Ben sits up to look at Callum, his face is shining with sweat in the darkness and his eyes are wild but he lets his hands fall to his sides under Ben's gaze. Ben had been wondering if he could bring out the good little soldier in him, apparently he can.

Ben unzips Callum’s fly and pulls at his jeans to free his dick, his boxers are sticky with precum and Ben licks it off his fingers then leans in and kisses Callum so he can taste himself. 

“Go on, babe." 

Callum looks over Ben’s shoulder and he must not see anyone because he lifts one shaking hand and starts stroking his dick. Ben watches until he remembers his part in this and flicks his tongue over Callum’s right nipple and uses his fingers to twist and tug the other. Ben knows he shouldn't think about it, should stay in the moment but God, he wants to fuck him, wants to hold him as he comes undone.

Callum’s hand moves frantically, the whole car seems to vibrate with it and Ben bites down and pulls at his nipple with his teeth. This is not the time for tenderness. 

Callum bends double over Ben, envelopes him, his body tight. He yells as he comes and convulses as if he’s taking hits to the stomach. It's stunning and filthy and Ben is in awe of him, he sinks his teeth in deeper and Callum grips his arm, his fingers digging in painfully, he always did give as good as he got. 

Callum eases into a trembling mess and Ben leans against his chest to hear his galloping heartbeat and ride the waves of his panting breath. The rain has died down enough that Ben can hear music drifting from the bar. A car drives by and Callum startles. 

"It's ok, they'll just see my back, if anything," Ben takes his face in his hands and presses kisses against his damp forehead. "You were so fucking amazing just relax, yeah?"

Ben shifts to look down at Callum and sees his hand still lying between his legs, thick with cum, so he reaches into the glovebox and hands him some tissues for him to clean up and watches as he shuffles back into his jeans. He'd have loved to lick him clean but Callum feels so far away.

"You ok?" 

"Yeah. Just… just think I'm gonna pass out." 

Relief floods Ben's body and he turns on the engine so he can open the window. Callum turns his face towards the breeze with a long sigh. It's perfect, he's perfect like this and Ben doesn't want to push but he's hard, painfully hard. He moves closer to Callum to let him feel it.

"Ben, no, you can't, not in the car."

"What?"

Callum props himself up, his eyes still misty. "God, you already know, Ben."

"Know what?"

"You, you shoot everywhere. The roof of this car will be obliterated if you--" he gestures an explosion and Ben stifles a laugh. 

"So I have to come in my jeans?" 

“No,” Callum tuts. He closes his eyes and when he looks back his whole demeanor shifts. "Get in the back seat," he says in a low, low tone. 

Ben scrambles out of the passenger door and lies down. Callum puts his seat back up, closes the buttons on his shirt and rolls up his sleeves; his breathing is measured, it’s all Ben can hear. Ben doesn’t dare move but every second he lies there makes his heart race faster. If it was anyone else, he'd tell them to hurry the fuck up but he doesn't dare. That's new. It feels good. Callum looks at him in the rearview mirror with dark eyes then steps out into the night. He opens the door and looks at Ben like he’s nothing but meat before he crawls over him and slams the door shut like an airlock. 

He drags Ben's jeans down and smooths the heel of his hand over his dick. It's fucking torture. 

“What do you like?” Ben pushes Callum down between his legs and his hot breath could honestly be enough to get Ben off at this point but he holds on.

“My balls, I like ‘em sucked, licked, smacked; you can bite ‘em if you’re feeling brave. Or--”

Callum licks a hot line up the seam of his balls and Ben has no idea what he was saying. He sucks one into his mouth and the deep pull when Ben is already so turned on makes his whole body sing. Callum comes up for breath and uses his hand to squeeze instead and Ben’s dick bounces leaving a trail of precum from his dick to his stomach. Callum lowers his head and sucks his balls again and a heavy ache spreads through Ben’s stomach and into his chest until he can barely breathe. 

Ben reaches for his dick and Callum smacks his hand away. He kneels and gives Ben a look that holds him down then spits in his palm and strokes Ben's dick as he taps his fingers over his balls. Ben wants to tell him that he can handle more but more might mean this would be over and he always was a glutton for punishment. 

Callum picks up speed and it feels good, so good, as Ben rocks his hips to meet his fist. It’s even better when he keeps his hand moving and nestles back between his legs and sucks and licks his balls. Ben finds a rhythm, moves and rolls his body in time with Callum’s hand. The deep, delicious pressure of Callum’s mouth makes every jerk of his hand feel like a spark of electricity. He can feel the pleasure build from deep and he follows the thread of it, his body moves for him and it builds and builds until Callum stops, suddenly.

“What the fuck?” Ben gasps. His dick bobs and twitches desperately and Callum just smiles like it’s nothing to do with him. He ghosts his fingers along the length of Ben’s dick as if that’s somehow an answer when actually it’s worse, infinitely worse than doing nothing. 

Ben starts to leak and Callum licks from his balls to the straining head of his dick and slides his mouth over, slowly, like he wants to savour this then takes his slick hand back to Ben's balls and tugs gently to keep him burning on the edge.

He does that thing where he swirls his tongue and presses against every spot that makes Ben twitch and squeezes his balls at the same time and fuck, a jagged bolt of pleasure rips through his body but Callum stops short again and leaves him teetering on the precipice.

A few people walk past to their car and a spurt of precum pools on Ben's stomach. 

"You'd think you wanted to get caught," Callum whispers. 

"Let's keep that our little secret."

Callum slips his fingers around the surface of the head of Ben’s dick and it fucking hurts, his back lifts off the seat and his boots bang against Callum’s back but he doesn’t let up even as Ben grips onto his shoulders in a silent plea for mercy. See, Callum knows he can handle it, he gets him, he gets that even his fists glow with pleasure as he pulls at his shirt.

He leans in for a filthy kiss and slides his hand between Ben's legs, finds his hole and presses his fingertip against it. Just that, just the fucking tip of his finger but it makes Ben's insides contract and ripple. 

Callum rocks his hips and the rough denim against Ben's aching dick makes him come uncontrollably, he moans into Callum's mouth half out of pleasure, half out of shock.

Callum pushes deeper inside him, no further than the first knuckle, and, God, this should not be enough to have Ben kicking madly and grunting like an animal but it is. Callum ruts his hips again and Ben sees nothing but light and maybe it's a passing car or maybe he's actually seeing the other side, both seem possible.

Every time he thinks he's about to come down, his body finds a new hook and he only gets higher, Callum kneels out of the way and Ben grabs at his dick and strokes hard as Callum squeezes and rolls his balls in his hand, his finger still pressing inside him. He hears someone laugh and he wants to yell at them to fuck themselves but he can't remember how to speak. 

He shudders through the last waves of his climax and covers his face with his hands. It’s embarrassing as shit, coming like he only just discovered what his dick was good for today. Callum slips his hands free and pulls Ben's boxers up. He thinks he should probably look to see if it's because someone's watching them but truthfully he doesn't care. 

Callum rubs his sides and his stomach and Ben realises he’s shaking. He uncovers his eyes and sees Callum smiling at him with a look of such adoration that he wants to hide again but, before he can, Callum leans over and kisses his face like he somehow read his mind. 

Ben starts to open up beneath his soft lips and tender touch and all the tension in his body slowly ebbs away. Callum gathers him up in his arms and Ben, now weightless, floats in his embrace. He wonders if maybe he should ask Callum if he thinks less of him now, if he wonders about him now he's seen him destroy the interior of a car just from his hands between his thighs. But he doesn't. Maybe he doesn't even need to. He snuggles in and holds onto Callum, he smells like home, even here on the back seat of a car that doesn't belong to either of them. Ben doesn't have a home, doesn't even have a place in mind when he thinks of the concept of home but here, half asleep in the pouring rain, he can admit that he may not know what home is but he feels it when he's in Callum's arms. 

_Just me and you._

Time winds on. The downpour turns to drizzle. Ben starts to notice his wet clothes and the cold bite in the air and feels a flood of intense relief that it’s Callum who breaks the silence, albeit with his rumbling stomach.

“Come on,” Ben says and throws open the car door, “let’s go get something to eat.” A smile spreads over Callum's face until he looks like he's about to burst with happiness. "What's got into you?"

He looks confused, "You, Ben." 

Ben climbs out of the car and drags Callum after him and he makes out like Ben really could take his full weight when he helps him to his feet. 

Callum wraps his arms around Ben's waist and lifts him onto his tiptoes to bury his face in the crook of his neck. Dancing, for Ben, is truth in its purest form, it's what his body was made for. And this, what he does with Callum, this is dancing, this feeling of being light as air in his arms, the unspoken way one will lead with their body and the other will follow, how they're always moving together in time, never missing a beat. Callum moves one hand to Ben's hip and the other to his back and dips him in time with the beat drop of the music leaking from the bar across the way. A starless navy sky rushes before Ben's eyes and he comes to rest in Callum's arms. He could throw him, let him go, leave him in the asphalt but he lifts him up instead because that's what Callum does. Ben shivers and maybe it's the rain but when Callum kisses him, he's not so sure. 

"Aren't you cold?" Ben whispers.

"I don't know." 

Ben takes hold of Callum's shirt and rocks onto his toes and Callum kisses him again; once, twice, three times. Ben opens his eyes and realises that he was pulling away to look at him.

"What're you looking at?" 

Callum drags his thumb under Ben's cheekbone and traces the line of his nose with his fingertip. "You." 

"What do you see?"

"You."

"What about the things I've done?"

He shakes his head slowly from side to side. "Just you."

Someone screams with laughter across the carpark and Ben falls down onto the flat of his feet and back into Bow and back into reality. 

"Come on, you must be starving." 

He retrieves his button up and jacket from the footwell, puts the shirt on and hands Callum his jacket, “I know it won’t fit but it might keep you a bit warm, yours is still soaked.” Callum takes it like it’s precious and lays it over his chest when he gets back in the passenger seat.

Just you. 

Ben drives through Bethnal Green, he keeps the speed limit this time and Callum rests his head and stares out at the parks and at the street art and graffiti sprawling over every surface and at the shining happy people waiting for the nightbus; he wishes they had further to go. 

He pulls up outside his favourite 24 hour bagel shop on Brick Lane.

"Food of kings!" Callum glances down at his ruined shirt. "How about I go in, ey?"

"Yours is a mess too, Ben!"

"Yeah, well, they know me in there.” He buttons up his shirt to hide the mess. “Better?” Callum nods. 

The bright lights in the shop make Ben cringe but nobody here at this time of night looks much better so he fronts it out. 

He tries to suppress a smile the whole time he’s in the shop but it's a futile effort. He looks out the window and sees Callum fiddling with the radio and he feels like he’s glowing just looking at him. Soon everyone will be able to see how he feels before he even opens his mouth. He turns his attention to a straight couple pawing at each other, both of them pale and ugly under the strip lights, probably thinking the same thing about him, and he wonders what they're thinking, wonders if they're terrified.

When their food is ready he takes it out to the car and Callum starts eating the moment it's in his hands.

"I thought we might drive somewhere nice to eat."

"Oh, no thanks," Callum says with his mouth full. 

Callum stumbles across something with a heavy beat on the radio and rolls his body in time with it. Ben forgets to eat for watching him. 

“We have got to go dancing,” he says in place of _we have got to start fucking_.

“Mm,” Callum wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, “The Albert? Tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, alright." 

“Do you think anyone saw us?”

“Probably, we weren’t exactly being discreet.”

Callum crumples up the empty paper bag that three minutes ago contained his bagel while he thinks. “It makes it so much more intense, don’t it?”

“You can’t argue with that.”

"It's already intense being with the right person though, innit?"

"Yeah." There's nothing he can say since he came like a wild thing in front of Callum. 

"Thank you for tonight, for being so understanding about me talking to Whit and taking me out on this drive, for helping me look for Stuart, for dinner - for everything.”

"It was the least I could do and, anyway, you already repaid me."

Callum ducks his head. "You err.. you know one of my secrets now."

"Here's to finding out the rest of 'em, ey?" Ben clinks their drink cans together.

"I think the trouble is that they're secret even to me."

"Yeah, well, you know I like a challenge." 

"I, uh, I look forward to… challenging you."

"Alright, alright, enough outta you. I'm taking you home."

Callum belly laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard and God, he's all adorable dimples and floppy hair, it makes Ben's heart lurch into his throat.

He starts the car and pulls out just in time to scatter a bunch of teenagers wandering drunk in the road. Fuck 'em. Callum turns and yells sorry after them like they can hear him and Ben is just tired enough to let it go.

He turns the radio down to a low hum as he drives through sleepy Bow where all the blocks of flats and houses are dark and silent then follows the road onto the A12. The drive is smooth and calm and he wishes he could drive all night. When he turns to look at Callum, he sees that he’s fallen asleep. 

He goes out of his way, slightly, on the approach into Walford. He isn’t ready to say goodbye, the thought comes into his head in a wave of panic. Every time he's with Callum, he remembers that he doesn't want to be without him. Distracting himself from that truth is self preservation but it feels safe to think about tonight in the dark while he's still moving. Nights with him aren't just about survival and that's new. He spent so many years doing whatever he could just to try and get through the night. Now there's someone who wants to hold him as he falls asleep.

When he pulls the car into the lot, he takes off his seatbelt and watches Callum as he sleeps. His face is turned towards Ben, which, he realises, means he fell asleep watching him drive. His lips are parted and there’s no sound in all of London but the gentle rumble of his breath. Ben could sit here all night and watch the way the dawn lights up Callum's face but he remembers that he said he wanted to go home and Ben wants to do right by him tonight, even if it means ending the night alone.

"Hey you, we're back," he says, stroking Callum's face. 

Callum blinks awake and smiles when he sees Ben. "I think I fell asleep."

"Come on, let's get you home."

"I don't wanna go home," his voice is so small that Ben doubts what he’s hearing. "I made sure Stu was alright and I'll go in the morning, unless you think I should--"

"-- _I_ think you should come back to mine, have a shower, get some sleep ....and borrow a shirt in the morning."

“Mm.. I like that plan.”

Ben grabs Callum's sodden jacket, gets out of the car and opens Callum's door for him. He'll have to get the car detailed and hopefully Jay won't see it before then but nothing would make him regret tonight. 

They walk across the Square hand in hand and this time when Ben unlocks the front door, there's only silence and darkness. 

In the bathroom they strip off their damp clothes and leave them in a pile on the floor and Ben starts the shower running. Undressing together, tired and spent, knowing it's not going anywhere, it feels more intimate than anything they've done before.

Ben steps into the bath first and Callum follows, closing the curtain behind him. 

Callum cups Ben's face and draws him in for a lazy kiss under the water. He runs his hands over Ben's body, his touch feels like pure comfort and it makes his insides swim.

Callum shampoos his hair and Ben watches him as he throws his head back under the stream of water. He looks beautiful, especially so when he’s unaware like this. 

"Here, I'll do yours," Callum whispers and it's not until he pours the shampoo into the palm of his hand that Ben realises what he said.

He massages Ben's hair with his fingers and Ben feels like he could pour down the drain. He leans against Callum and starts to drift. 

Callum lifts the shower head down to rinse Ben's hair and turns off the water when he’s done. They wrap up in towels and brush their teeth elbow to elbow. It feels like a dream. 

Ben throws Callum's bomber over the shower rail then gathers the rest of their clothes in his arms and leads him to his room.

"Thank you, again, for tonight. I really needed it actually, it feels good to be spontaneous every once in a while."

"Stop thanking me. I keep telling you, you need to start enjoying yourself more."

Ben takes out his contacts and puts his glasses on while Callum climbs into bed and moans softly as he stretches out under the duvet. Ben shakes out Callum's jeans and throws them over the back of a chair to dry out.

"If I should enjoy myself more, you should wear your glasses more," Callum slurs his words, drunk on exhaustion.

"Oh, you like 'em, do ya?"

"Yeah, they make you look lovely," he mumbles.

 _Lovely_.

Ben drops his towel and crawls into bed. 

"I have to take these off now, back to my not-so-lovely self."

"Mmm... that's alright, I like every Ben."

Ben leans to put his glasses on the bedside table and Callum catches him around the waist and pulls him close. They fit together perfectly, like two halves of one whole. Ben never believed a thought like that would cross his mind again. 

He stares into the darkness until Callum's arm goes heavy and his breathing deepens. He could tell himself he doesn't want to fall asleep because this holding is for the weak but that's not true. Callum wanted honesty and truth is, another perfect night and he won't be able to walk away. Another perfect night and he won't be able to hide how he feels.

He starts to fall asleep despite himself because sleep, like falling in love, is inevitable. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Chapter 6: explosions don't make sound in space 
> 
> Ben takes Callum dancing at the Albert which is only the start of a night of firsts*.
> 
> *If you're wondering if this means what you think it means, it does!


	6. 19th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben takes Callum dancing at the Albert and it's only the start of a night of firsts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set the night after the previous chapter.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Alcohol consumption, penetrative sex and angst.

_ **19th October, 2019** _

Ben lays back in the bath and stares up at the ceiling. There’s something about tonight that feels different. The house hums with life around him but he is still. He takes out his hearing aid and drops it onto the bath mat then sinks down until he's submerged in the water where all he can hear is his own thundering heartbeat.

An entire day spent thinking about Callum, ever since he kissed him goodbye after breakfast. The image of him asleep in the car, the way Callum’s arm felt draped over his waist, the sweet sleepy kisses before he was fully awake and a hundred other snapshots of him, all in soft focus. He pulls himself up and gasps for breath, the bathroom rushes back in around him but there’s still only Callum.

This morning, Callum borrowed one of his shirts; he gave him a sleep shirt out of the wash bin, marking his territory, but Callum was just thankful to have something to wear. His heart drops violently in his chest and he grips the sides of the bath. 

It's nearly time.

He towels off and puts on his boxers, does his hair in the mirror and stares into the half dark of his bedroom and eventually finds himself sitting on the end of the bed. It takes a while for him to snap back to reality and he tries to work out how long he's been sitting for but he can't get a handle on anything. If he buries his face in the pillow they shared last night, does that mean there’s no turning back? 

He grabs his phone and sees a new message from Callum, _8.30, yeah? x_ It's from ages ago but he still replies with, _Yeah x_

He gets dressed, choosing a shirt that makes his arms look good and his leather jacket because he’s seen the way Callum looks at him when he wears it and hammers down the stairs and out the door without turning back or shouting goodnight. He's sure he hears his name being called but it just makes him move faster.

He’s early on purpose, the thought of bumping into Callum on the short walk over makes his stomach turn. He takes up residence outside the Albert and props one foot up against the wall behind him and turns his ring again and again even as it tugs at the tender scarred skin it hides. People pass him, smiling happy people holding hands who make it all look so easy. 

Callum appears and Ben nearly loses his footing. He pushes away from the wall and starts towards him and finds himself breaking into a jog until finally Callum grabs him and holds him, sure and firm. Callum is like an angel illuminated in the streetlight, looking down at him with gentle eyes, the most beautiful man he knows. It hurts to be told all the time that he's drawn to the darkness, it doesn't feel that way here bathed in Callum's light.

“You look gorgeous,” Callum says, cupping his face.

“So do you.” 

Callum glances down at Ben’s lips and smiles like he’s just realised he can kiss him and leans in. This kiss, the press of his lips and his hands on Ben's jaw root him back in his body; he feels so real and solid; like his life is his own, like it’s the size of itself.

"Come on,” Ben exclaims, turning to The Albert, full now of excitement instead of nerves but Callum doesn't budge. He looks back at him and he’s just staring blankly, his mouth twisted into a frown. "Wait, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." 

Clearly, there's something.

"We can go somewhere else or... or back to mine? Or we could go for another drive, if you want? Or do you wanna go home?” He’s stupid so fucking stupid, always forgetting he might not be on the same page as everyone else.

Callum’s eyes fix on Ben and his expression melts into a soft smile. "I wanna go in. It's just so busy and I--"

"What?" 

"I don't fit in, do I?"

"You have just as much right to be in there as anyone. It's a gay bar, you're a gay man."

"It ain't that simple, Ben."

"You say you don't fit in but you fit in with me, don't ya?” Ben asks partly for his own peace of mind, partly to make a point.

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course I do. Listen to me, going on when I asked you out. You must think I’m a right melt.”

Ben slips his arms around Callum’s waist, everything feels easier when they’re touching.

“I ain’t thinking anything. Look, maybe this ain't your place but that's up to you. The hard part's over, now you get to find out what you like, what you don't and-- and how you wanna express yourself. You asked if I wanted to go dancing and if you still wanna see if that's your thing then, we can. And if it ain't then that's ok, it don't make you any less who you are. You don't have to work it all out tonight or this week or this year, even. Just chill and enjoy yourself." 

"I've missed your profound pep talks."

"Don't sound like me." 

Callum throws his eyes up and gently taps Ben under the chin. "I wanna dance with you, Ben Mitchell."

Ben holds out his hand for Callum to take and leads him over to the entrance and walks him through the crowd of sweaty bodies on the dancefloor until they reach the bar. Callum mimes shots and Ben tilts his head, he mustn’t have understood right, but Callum just shrugs in response and, shit, alright then. Ben orders four vodkas and downs his in a row. When he looks up he sees Callum holding his first between two fingers like it's hot. 

"Throw it back!" Ben yells. Callum swallows it in one and scrunches up his face and wags his tongue and it's the cutest fucking thing he's ever seen. "One down!"

Callum picks up the second glass and grimaces before knocking it back. “How do you do that with a straight face?" 

Ben rocks onto his toes to reach Callum's ear. "There ain't much I can't take." 

Callum catches hold of him and kisses him with his hands around his waist to keep him on his toes. The slide of his tongue and the heavy spread of the vodka make Ben feel like he's burning up, a pillar of heat. When Callum breaks the kiss, Ben lingers, gazing up at him and Callum holds his stare, accepting his wordless challenge to make tonight something special. It's only when someone knocks into them leaning in to order their drink that he remembers they're not alone. 

Ben maneuvers Callum out of the way and leads him to the coat check queue. They kiss the entire time they're waiting, the girls behind them having to prod Ben's back every time the line moves forward. It’s hot, too hot in leather under the lights and under Callum's touch, but it stirs the animal inside Ben and turns off the voices in his head. When it’s their turn, Callum pushes Ben’s jacket off his shoulders and brings it up to his face to breathe it in before handing it over. Fuck. 

On the dancefloor, Callum smooths firm hands down Ben's arms and grips his waist. He says something into his ear and Ben can't make out his words but his lips and his warm breath make him shudder. 

"Wrong ear, babe."

Callum switches sides and whispers, "I like this shirt," and bites Ben's earlobe. 

"I like yours, too.” Callum starts to flush pink. “More shots?" Ben calls and Callum grins like it's the best idea he's ever heard. 

They clatter to the bar, not wanting to stop touching the whole way there, and down a couple more vodkas. 

Callum goes upstairs and Ben follows and he's disappointed when he sees Callum sit down until he reaches for him and drags him onto his lap. Normally he’d hate this shit, sitting on some bloke’s knee, but with Callum it feels like he’s taking control and asserting his dominance and that Ben likes.

"I feel like a teenager,” Callum shouts as he moves his hand along Ben’s thigh, higher and higher; the disconnect between his words and the way he’s making Ben feel is jarring. 

"Nothing wrong with feeling like a kid again."

Callum shakes his head vigorously. "Nah, I never got to be a teenager, not really, I never did this, I never did shots and danced with someone I fancied. I wish I'd done this when I was eighteen."

"And doing it now?"

Callum grips Ben’s leg. "I ain't got any complaints."

Ben kisses him again, scalding hot and Callum’s fingers graze against his dick. He needs him, needs his body against his own.

"Come on," Ben grabs his shirt as he stands and drags him to his feet to dance.

Ben pulls him in and starts to move in time to the music. Callum is perfect, all loose limbs and low inhibitions. He holds Ben close and sways his hips and Ben lets himself go in his arms until the ceiling spins and the music blurs and there's nothing but Callum. 

Everything falls away, the people around them are just faceless extras to make the room hot and necessitate their closeness. The lights shift pink and pick out all the sharp lines of Callum’s face, he looks fierce and determined, his stalwart shining in strobe lights. Callum rolls his body the way he does in bed and everything softens then and fades. Ben slings his arms around Callum’s neck and holds on, following his lead as their bodies move together effortlessly in perfect sync, carried away out of reality and out of his head. Callum slides his hands lower to hold their hips together and every moment of connection makes Ben's stomach flip. He starts to imagine Callum laying him down right here on the sticky floor.

Someone bangs into them and they blink in confusion and amazement at having got so lost in one another before dissolving into laughter. Ben lifts up onto his toes and kisses Callum sloppy wet and giddy, he's feeling dizzy, drunk on kaleidoscope lights and vodka and the way Callum makes him feel. They kiss and kiss and kiss until there’s nothing else but this and come up gasping for the same air, sharing one breath. Callum grabs hold of Ben’s face with rough hands but then uses his thumb to caress his cheek and kisses him. This kiss is a kiss of life; his tongue is an oxygen tube coaxing Ben back to life.

Callum breaks the kiss and yells, “Dancing with you is my place,” his face gleaming with the joy of this sudden epiphany. 

Ben is thrown, he feels tears start to form and stares, glassy eyed at Callum who tenderly strokes his face without a hint of judgement. He’ll blame the lights and the thick air and the night that’s in it if he asks but he knows Callum wouldn’t hold it against him anyway. He should say something but everything that crosses his mind feels too big so he pulls Callum in for a hug instead and the way he strokes his hair and rocks him in his arms tells Ben he understands. 

"More drinks?" Ben asks when he feels himself again. 

"Don't think I could stomach another shot, if I'm being honest with ya."

Ben leads the way to the bar and orders two beers to which Callum gives him a huge thumbs up. Ben leans his elbows while he waits and Callum stands close behind and lays heavy possessive hands on his body. The duality of man, Ben thinks with a smile but then Callum blows gently against Ben’s throat and he is so turned on and overcome that he can’t speak when the bartender slides over their drinks. 

They take their beers out onto the balcony and the cold night air on his sweaty skin is a reality check that Ben isn’t ready for so he turns and gazes at Callum instead. Neon and music bleed out into the air and the moment holds and for a while it seems as if there won't be a chord change this time, that they'll be here like this, here, forever. Then Callum burps and it shatters. Ben laughs loud but a look of horror crosses Callum's face and he quickly hides himself behind his hands, his beer bottle dangling perilously between them. 

“Hey, hey, I don’t scare that easy, you know,” Ben says, still cracking up.

Callum looks at him with a shy smile. “I'm always ruining the moment.”

“Aw, as if.”

Ben takes a swig of his beer and Callum mirrors him and they both start to laugh this time. Callum needs to wise up and realise he couldn’t ruin anything even if he tried. Another couple emerges onto the balcony and Ben grabs a fistful of Callum's shirt and holds eye contact with them for a second before he pulls Callum in for a long kiss. When they break apart, it’s just them again. Just them. 

Back inside the heat and the noise and the swell of bodies is one thing but they are another, they are each other’s, they exist in a bubble of - what? It feels too early to call it by its name but it’s obvious, everyone can see how they glow.

“I have to--” Callum gestures over to the toilets. 

“It’s the beer,” Ben yells, uselessly but thankfully Callum doesn’t hear.

He takes his hand and they walk in together and Ben is on his best behaviour so he keeps his eyes straight at the urinal but he does bump his elbow into Callum’s and is met with that huge belly laugh of his. Callum joins him at the sinks and they wash their hands side by side and the surroundings are grimy but even so they pause to look at themselves together in the mirror. If it was anyone else, Ben would worry about his sweaty hair and the way his stomach looks but he just can’t get over how good they look together.

Callum glances over at the cubicles and Ben nods and they drift towards them, still gazing at each other. Callum takes both of Ben’s hands in his and walks backwards, as if he can’t bear to look away even as he’s leading him. Ben needs him now, the heat and the dancing just a precursor to this. He can already taste his salt skin and his mouth is watering for the real thing when someone barges past and locks themselves inside the first cubicle. It breaks the spell and Callum shakes his head in disbelief. 

“I kinda don’t wanna know…” Callum says, pointing over his shoulder.

“I don’t neither!”

Bursting back onto the dancefloor, Callum grabs hold of Ben’s hips, wasting no time in bringing him in close, both hungry for more now. The music is loud and the beat keeps them moving, the bass pulsating through them as they grind together. It feels good enough but not quite enough. 

"Do you wanna go back to mine?" Ben says against Callum's ear.

“Actually, I’ve got something I wanna show you.”

Ben swallows thickly and starts heading to the door when Callum grabs his shoulder, "We've gotta get our jackets."

Ben rolls his eyes and considers playing it off like he didn't actually forget but it's Callum, there's no need. They knit together as they wait, Callum tracing lines on Ben's back as he nestles into Callum's chest. Callum holds Ben's jacket for him outside and slips it onto his shoulders. 

"Ever the gentleman."

"Gotta treat my man right, don't I?"

Ben bites back his smile. _My man_. Callum throws an arm around him and takes him round the corner to his flat.

When he unlocks the door, Ben is struck by how silent it is inside the parlour. He stares into the dark and the quiet, it makes his ears ring. The last time he was here at this hour... 

Callum takes hold of him before he sinks and kisses him deeply in the dark. They kiss all the way up the stairs, banging into walls, almost falling but always catching. At the top of the stairs, still out of sight, Callum runs his tongue along Ben’s bottom lip and he nearly tumbles all the way back down. 

They’re broken out of their reverie by Stuart yelling hello and when they peak around the corner, he’s sitting in the living room in front of the TV, very obviously drunk. 

Callum throws his brother a smile and a few words that Ben doesn't listen to then takes Ben to the big bedroom and flicks on the bedside lamp. There are little touches of him everywhere, a football trophy on the chest of drawers, his joggers thrown over the wardrobe door. Ben feels frozen until Callum wraps his arms around him from behind and, _God_ , his body feels good.

“D’you wanna stay the night?” Ben nods, unsure of what to say and turns round in Callum’s arms to hug him tight. “Thank you, for taking me dancing.”

Ben looks up, “You asked me.”

“That ain’t what I said.”

Ben’s eyes fall closed and Callum kisses him, tingly light, once, twice, three times. 

Callum slides Ben’s jacket off and undoes the buttons of his shirt then drops to his knees to unlace his boots and Ben sits on the bed for him to yank them off. Callum kicks off his shoes as Ben takes off his own shirt and they grab at each other’s jeans and boxers. Then, stripped, they fall onto the bed.

Ben inhales, “Sheets don’t smell like you.” 

“Mm.. they’re new.”

“Shame.”

Callum’s hair, having dropped in the heat of the club, now frames his face and falls into his eyes as he looks down at Ben. He casts his gaze over Ben’s body and runs his knuckles down his chest. 

“Hey,” Ben whispers. 

Callum flops down on his side and it’s too much for Ben just being watched and adored like this. He rolls over to meet him and sinks into a kiss and the hot press of Callum’s body goes straight to his dick. They pull at each other, press knees into thighs, move together, harsh breaths and skin on skin. Callum slides his hand down Ben’s back and dips his fingers lower and lower until Ben finds a way to spread his legs for him and Callum pushes his hand between them. Callum’s fingertips circle his hole and press against it and tickle the sensitive skin up to his balls, confident and assured like he knows where he's going with this.

Ben shifts onto his back and Callum keeps trailing his fingers and it even feels good dry, the friction sends shivers through his body, but it’s not enough. 

Callum watches him carefully and seems to make a decision then leans past him to his bedside drawer, “I err.. I got supplies,” he says breathlessly. 

“Supplies?” Callum holds up a tube of lube and Ben’s heart flutters. “Oh, _supplies_.”

He squeezes some out and starts circling again, drawing lines across sensitive skin.

Ben moans loudly despite himself and Callum looks panicked so Ben pretends to zip his mouth shut. Callum starts again and Ben is quiet until he slips a finger against Ben's hole and squeezes his balls gently at the same time causing Ben to make another involuntary noise.

"You did that on purpose," Ben hisses 

"How could I have known?"

Callum doesn't move. 

"What’re you waiting for?"

"Cover," Callum says when a loud action scene starts up.

He takes a huge breath in like this is something monumental and presses his finger against Ben's hole. Ben nods and Callum pushes his finger inside, up to the first knuckle and then waits for Ben to relax and keeps working until he’s fully inside. Ben feels his body contract and his dick bobs and strains, already drowning in desperation from just a finger.

“More,” he groans.

Callum gently pulls out and slides in two fingers and Ben moans loud undercover of the fight sounds blasting through the flat. Callum twists his fingers as he strokes Ben's dick and his head rolls back, he loves this, the feeling so intense he can almost taste it. He can hear himself moaning and grunting but there's nothing he can do to stop it until Callum stops moving when the fight scene fades into tense music. 

Callum smiles innocently when Ben lifts his head to look at him. Fuck. Two can play at this game. Ben tries to struggle free but Callum presses him down with a hand at the centre of his chest. 

"I thought you were the nice one!"

Callum, knowing that Ben won't dare move, even if he's not anchoring him to the bed, takes his hand away to smooth his thumb over the cut still healing on Ben's lip. "It ain't about nice, it's about trust."

"I trust ya."

Callum pulls his face in mock confusion. "Trust me to do what?"

Next door, another fight scene starts up and Callum pushes deeper until he hits the spot that makes Ben yell out and his dick twitch and his shoulders flush. It didn't take Callum long to make a mess out of him but he just gives him a look of pure wonder and awe like he doesn’t think any less of him for it.

The movie goes quiet and Callum pulls out and kisses Ben’s body instead and it's frustrating in the best possible way until he kneels up to stroke his own hard dick and tweak his nipples, just out of Ben’s reach.

"Ok, now that just ain't fair."

Callum smiles benevolently and moves back in to caress Ben's thighs and his stomach, lazy fingers tracing his belly button. Ben throws his arms around his neck and drags him down and they knock noses, touch foreheads, tangle fingers and shift together until they connect. Callum's dick slides against his own as they hold and kiss, splashes of pleasure the only ripples in their deep pool of calm and happiness.

When the music amps up again with yelling and fight noises overtop, Callum works his hand back down, down and pushes two fingers deep inside. He stretches his fingers and Ben moans and lets himself go knowing he is both heard and not heard. Explosions don’t make sound in space and it’s just the two of them out here. He pushes his fingers in harder and Ben whimpers and cries out. 

“Like this?” Callum circles his fingers, “or this?” He switches to thrusting, “Or?” He does both simultaneously and his eyes go wide. 

He keeps circling and pressing and it feels so good that Ben almost doesn’t want to try to speak. “The last... this.. This. This is good.”

Callum laughs and kisses Ben’s cheek, feather soft, “Yeah, I got it.” 

He works his fingers faster and Ben can’t take it, his dick aching from inside, begging for touch. He grabs hold of himself and fists his dick in time with Callum’s fingers and it feels good, so good, he tenses his muscles and moves closer and closer to the edge. 

“Stop,” Callum commands and Ben lets go and grips the sheets instead. Callum watches him to make sure he’s not going to disobey and then picks up his pace. Ben watches the muscles in his arm jump, doesn’t dare look down to his hand, knows he’ll lose it if he sees his long fingers inside of him.

Maybe the TV has been turned up or maybe Ben is awake for the first time but suddenly everything seems louder. Things change and nothing changes and you have to learn how to survive and get through and get on. Over the years, Ben had woken up in myriad unfamiliar beds, got in cars with strangers or walked until his feet went dead, called a taxi when he was flush, slept in bus stops, not slept at all, sat on the night bus until people started getting on for work, stayed in the same clothes until they were a second skin. Things change and the question is how you are going to learn to live with it. Or, things change and you find yourself laid out on fresh sheets with a beautiful man between your legs asking how you like it and your body wakes up out of survival mode and leaves you open. Either way you're never ready. 

Callum stills his hand and leans over Ben so his body blocks out the room and he rests their foreheads together so they’re sharing the same air then starts to press his fingers again, twisting and thrusting, breathing hard with the effort. Ben remembers his hands and throws them around Callum’s back. He wants to tell him, he should tell him now. Callum presses his hard dick against Ben's hip and grunts; he loses his rhythm but it doesn't matter, the unpredictability sets Ben's body on edge. Ben twists Callum's nipples and he shudders and moans, still pounding his fingers and sliding his hard dick against Ben’s body. He wants more but he doesn't know how to stop, so close, so out of control. 

"Nighty night, yous two!" Stuart yells and throws in a few loud bangs on the door for good measure.

Callum jumps hard and yanks his hand away with an obscene squelch. 

Callum says something that Ben doesn’t comprehend and then shouts something to his brother but Ben can't get his head around any of it.

“Sorry." 

That he gets.

“Never apologise for him, d'you hear me?" Callum nods. "Fuck, I was so close. Come here."

He drags Callum on top of him and rolls his hips, Callum's hard dick slides against his and he shifts to stare down between them. Ben knows what he's thinking because he's thinking it too. 

"Ben…"

"Do it," Ben growls.

"Are you sure?" Callum whispers.

"Yes."

"I just.. I just want to make sure this is perfect, everything else has been so wonderful. Just wanna make sure this is what you really want. I.. I.." he sighs, "Ben, I…"

Panic blasts through Ben's head and down through his body like ice water. Whatever Callum is about to say it's too much, he just wants to stay in the moment.

"I want this,” he blurts out the words, not because they aren't true but because of the weight they hold. Truthfully, he wants this more than anything but that's fucking terrifying to think about so you can forgive him for not wanting to think about it right now.

Callum reaches into his bedside table drawer and brings out a condom and rolls it onto his painfully hard dick while Ben settles himself, knees either side of Callum’s hips. Ben reaches for the lube and drops some onto Callum dick and a little more between his legs. Callum pushes against his hole and it feels blunt, not painful but not anything else either. It's too much, Callum so close, looking at him like that.

"Get on your back,” Ben whispers.

Callum's brow knits in confusion but he does as Ben says. Ben straddles his thighs and looks up at the ceiling before he sinks down onto Callum's dick. He's big so he has to pull back a couple of times but he soon takes him all the way. He's been dreaming of this for months, for so many months, but he tries to push that thought out of his head. This is about getting off, that's what sex is, he doesn't need to complicate it, not now. He plants his hands behind him on Callum's thighs and starts to move. 

Callum groans and Ben looks down at him, he's covering his face with his hands so Ben gently smacks his elbow to get his attention.

“Sorry, I just, I ain’t gonna last long.”

“Just enjoy yourself, babe.” 

Ben alternates rolling his body and bobbing up and down, faster and faster, his legs are aching but he pushes through. He glances down and sees Callum biting down on his bottom lip, looking like he's having to fight to keep holding on and he grabs his dick as he watches him writhe and fuck, he’s so gorgeous. Ben throws his head back and fixes his eyes on the dark ceiling again. He just wants to come. 

Callum thrusts his hips erratically and the stretch feels so good, he’s missed this. He never bottoms anymore and fucking himself just isn’t the same. He hits the ridge of the head of his dick with his thumb and presses down on Callum’s dick at the same time and that's it, he’s got it, he tenses his muscles and comes with a shout.

Callum groans and grabs Ben’s hips and holds him still. Ben looks down and sees his shoulders are lifted off the bed and he's gritting his teeth to try and stay quiet, he squeezes his hole tight for him and Callum’s whole body jumps. He looks like a dream, it makes his chest hurt.

“Shit, sorry, that was so quick,” Callum gasps, looking up at Ben. 

“Don't be daft."

Ben rolls off Callum and onto the bed and they lay in silence, shoulder to shoulder. Ben listens to the tick of the clock until his heart rate slows and then starts to drift towards sleep. Callum busies himself with something, maybe the condom, and then switches off the lamp. So that's that. 

“Do you wanna get under the covers?” 

“Yeah.” 

Ben slides his legs under the duvet and turns onto his side and Callum pulls him close against his chest. Ben had worried that when they finally did this it would be a tipping point but the magic of earlier in the night has faded, it must have been the drinks and the music. It’s not them. It's not. He thought he'd feel more relieved. 

“Are you alright, Ben?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

Callum squeezes him tight, it feels insistent.

He turns to him over his shoulder.

"I dunno what to say, just so long as you're alright." Ben turns away from him again. He doesn't know what to say, either. “Tonight was amazing, dancing with you, kissing ya with all them people around, I felt so light and.. and new.” He moves in like what he’s about to say is important and speaks into Ben's ear, “You make me so happy.” 

"Yeah, you make me happy, too," he whispers.

Callum kisses his cheek and his ear and the back of his neck. He dances his fingers along Ben's side and down his legs and lifts his hand to press his lips against the pulse of his wrist. 

"We had a good time at the Albert and it's like you said, we don't have to work it all out tonight. We’ll get there with the other stuff."

Ben freezes. He tries to take a mental inventory of where all his clothes are on the floor in case he decides to make a quick escape but then Callum's kissing his jaw and he knows that actually he wants to stay. He's the only reason it wasn't perfect, there's nothing to work out. And if he doesn't fix this tonight then it'll still happen, maybe next week or next month, if not tonight then soon, so why not tonight? If he waits then it might be too late. And he wants this, he wants to know just how good they could be and then at least he'll know what he's dealing with. He tells himself it's just rational, it's just experimental. It's nothing to do with the gnawing desire at the centre of him to be close to Callum.

“Come here.” 

Ben shuffles onto his back and pulls Callum down for a kiss but Callum buries his face in the crook of his neck instead and hums against his skin. 

Ben keeps pulling at Callum until he's between his legs and savours his weight on top of him. He runs his fingers down Callum’s back as he presses hot tingly kisses against Ben's neck. He wraps his legs around Callum's body and they hold each other; hot between their bodies and under the covers. 

Callum grabs hold of Ben's thigh and shows his hand when he bites his lip, so he likes this and Ben likes it too; Callum on top, Ben spread out beneath him.

"Callum…" he looks up at him with pleading eyes and he answers the call with a deep kiss, still gripping Ben's thigh to bend him even further in half, taking him over. 

"Tell me what you need." 

"You,” he says simply and honestly.

Callum lets out a shuddering moan and kisses him, a kiss full of passion and desire. The magic is still there, the spell unbroken. Ben starts to lose himself in it but he needs more, he needs Callum, he does, he needs him, all of him. He starts to tremble with it.

Ben gently pushes Callum away and motions for him to slick his fingers again with lube then takes his wrist to guide his hand back between his legs. Callum works two inside and Ben moves with him, fucking himself on his fingers. He throws off the duvet to watch Callum in the moonlight escaping through the closed curtains. He’s hard again, harder even than before.

Ben snaps his hips and Callum works faster and faster, the wet slip and the creak of the bed and Ben's own moans make his dick leak and strain. 

"Do you wanna try again?"

He sighs out a _yeah_ , transfixed on Callum. 

Callum works his fingers free and kneels up to roll on a condom then pushes Ben's knees towards his chest. He looks so big in the dark, it sends shivers down his spine.

He looks down between them and then fixes his eyes on Ben as he presses forward. Ben feels all the tension in his body dissipate as he opens up for him. He feels the head of Callum's dick push inside and it's fucking amazing. Callum holds and circles his hips experimentally and coughs out a loud _Oh_ from the back of his throat. This is the only kind of working things out they should be doing, discovering how they fit together, not Ben trying to find ways to keep them apart.

He hooks Ben's legs at the knees and leans over him and keeps pushing forward and God, the deep stretch and the pressure, there’s just something about giving yourself over to a man and letting him set the pace that’s incomparable to anything else. His toes curl when Callum goes deep and then deeper still. 

"Is this ok?"

Ben nods and Callum bestows on him a small, soft kiss. 

Callum interlaces their fingers and pins Ben’s hands over his head. He feels so full, in his body and in his heart, he doesn't want to speak, he just wants to be here in the moment with Callum; lying beneath him, held down and taken over. He starts to drift, not away from Callum but into him. Callum is watching his face carefully, even when his eyes fall closed, they settle back on Ben and he can tell he's reading him, that he doesn't need to find the words so long as he doesn't look away. And he doesn't want to look away.

When he starts thrusting, it's agonisingly slow at first, long, deliberate, strokes that make Ben hiss and whine. It's too much, feeling every inch of Callum, intense beyond the telling of it.

Just when he feels like he's about to burst, Callum pulls out almost completely and thrusts back in hard, hitting back deep and then does it again and again and Ben cries out every time, pleasure banging and reverberating through his bones and sending white hot flashes of ecstacy through his insides that pool in his stomach. It's perfect, perfect, Callum just knows, he just gets him. 

Callum grits his teeth and lets go of Ben's hands to grab his arse and he fucks hard, hitting that spot that makes Ben quiver, he hears himself moaning and squeaking as Callum thrusts but there’s nothing he can do about it. If there was any doubt in his mind that Callum really wanted him, that's gone now. 

Ben, engulfed and overwhelmed, digs his fingers into Callum's back and holds on. He feels so close to Callum, completely filled with him. The friction is mind blowing and Ben has to strain not to fall back into the pillow and lose this connection.

Callum slows again and kisses Ben wet and sloppy and his tongue down Ben's throat makes it hard to breathe and he becomes dizzy and weightless. He folds his arms over Callum's back to bring him closer and his stomach slides across Ben's precum slick dick and he moans into Callum's mouth as the heat spreads through his belly. 

Callum breaks the kiss and looks at Ben with heavy lidded eyes and pulls out, slowly; the loss of him is immediately devastating. 

Ben sees he's trembling as he moves onto his back. It all seems to happen in slow motion until he holds out a hand to Ben by way of an invitation and then gets it. He straddles Callum's hips and steadies himself then takes him all the way down in one go. Callum runs his hands along Ben's thighs and sits up to grab his arse. 

"Love seein' you like this and.. and.." Ben understands and pulls off Callum's dick then presses back down so Callum can watch his dick disappear inside him again. "Fuck, that’s amazing.”

Ben reaches out and twists Callum's nipples as he rocks his hips and Callum looks like he's seen the light. Ben rides him slow and deep and Callum thrusts up on the off beat and it feels good, so good, it’s a fucking revelation. Ben doesn’t dare break eye contact because he thinks maybe their connection is the only thing keeping him from just melting into this and losing the rhythm, losing everything. The burn in his thighs only intensifies the waves of pleasure radiating from the stretch of Callum's dick.

He flicks the peak of Callum’s nipple and he bucks his hips and Ben yells out, swears he feels his dick in his fucking stomach. He rocks forward, braces his hands on Callum’s chest and slides up and down his dick to feel the length of him. The sound of his own uncontrollable moaning is enough to almost push him over the edge until Callum grabs him and holds him still.

“Not yet.” 

Callum starts thrusting again, steady, even, and lets go of Ben on the silent condition that he finds their rhythm again. They start slow, an offbeat syncopation that takes every ounce of Ben’s concentration until his body takes over for him. He tugs at Callum’s nipples and Callum grunts through gritted teeth and fuck, Ben loves seeing him like this, sweat trickling down his temples, muscles moving under his skin like he’s barely keeping the animal inside. They pick up the pace and start rising to a crescendo, building and building in a frenzy, his whole body on fire. The bed creaks beneath them and the headboard bangs against the wall and in Ben’s chest like the bass of the music Callum held him close to. Sweat runs down Ben’s back and his dick drools precum. Their intermingled moans become a cacophony of sound filling his head. It's beautiful. All of it, beautiful.

Callum sits up and grabs him and Ben feels a flash of something, not fear, he feels completely safe, but it's the same thrill he feels when he starts a fight, it’s pure exhilaration. Callum wrestles him onto his back and Ben only fights back to feel his strength which Callum knows because neither of them is able to hide their smiles. 

“Wanna be close to you,” Callum gasps.

He settles between Ben’s legs and the slide of skin wet with sweat sends tingles all the way down to Ben’s toes. Ben wraps his legs around Callum’s waist and grabs his arse to pull him close and he sinks inside him deep and deeper still. Callum grunts harshly and starts to move in slow, shallow thrusts. Boundless, delicious pleasure builds and recedes in waves. He plants his elbows on the bed and leans over Ben, sinking into him, a heavy stone in a fathomless well, wild, guttural sounds escaping the back of his throat as he takes Ben over. Ben slings his arms around Callum’s neck and looks up at him; Callum, inhabiting his soul and Ben, enthralled.

He pulls Callum in for a kiss and his soft lips and his dick hitting the spot and his tender hands, his smell, the way he sounds, the sweat on his brow, the weight of his body - it all amounts to the most beautiful and intense overwhelm that Ben has ever known.

The wave builds and builds, gathers Ben up and takes him away until he can barely stand it, held at the mercy of this endless feeling of becoming. It’s a relief when Callum runs his tongue along his lip and the wave breaks. He lets his hands drop away and his legs fall open and he lays under Callum, his body an offering to this feeling of belonging to another. He comes softly at first, pleasure radiating out from where Callum presses inside him along his dick but then it just keeps building.

Callum swells inside him and he breaks the kiss with a yell, his face contorted in ecstasy. 

Ben's body starts moving for him, his muscles tightening to eke out every drop of this. Open, Callum fills him completely and the molten hot feeling spreads further with every frenzied thrust of Callum’s hips and is punctuated with bright, sparkly jolts when he hits just right. Callum slips his hand into Ben's and he holds on tight and they stare into each other's eyes, amazed, entranced.

The slide of Callum's stomach against his dick working simultaneously with his thrusts throws Ben out of orbit and he gets higher and higher. He lifts his legs and strains his muscles and grips Callum’s hand, the feeling growing almost painful before it dissipates until Callum comes to rest on top of him, breathing hard.

Electricity prickles through Ben’s limbs and he starts to shake, he tries to hold still but it just makes it worse. Callum pulls out slowly and rolls off the condom and ties it off with trembling hands, it makes Ben feel better to see him unsteady too. He chucks it at the bin and doesn’t look to see if he hit the target before pulling the duvet around them and gathering Ben up. Ben folds his arms against Callum’s chest to hide himself away, Callum his shield against reality.

"Are you ok?" Callum whispers.

"Are you?" 

“Yeah, just a bit, you know. Are you?”

“Yeah. Think I’m _just a bit_ ‘n all.”

“Let’s just have a cuddle then, ey?”

Ben nuzzles into Callum’s chest and he strokes his back. He feels so close to telling him how he feels but he can’t find the words so he snuggles against Callum instead and they rock together in a wobbly embrace full of emotion. He should shower, he should go home and get his glasses, he shouldn’t fall asleep in the arms of the man he’s in love with, not like this, not after that. It’s dangerous, it’s a slippery slope. _In love with._ Fuck. He should fight out of his arms, he should do something. He wants to tell him how that was unlike anything else, how perfect it was. Something, anything. But he feels Callum go heavy in his arms and realises he's fallen asleep and lets himself go, too. 

  
Ben wakes up with a start and Callum is deep asleep and snoring softly beside him, his arm still outstretched over Ben’s chest. Ben manages to slide out from under him and finds himself getting dressed before he’s even decided to do it. He puts on his boots out in the hall and throws on his jacket. He checks his phone at the front door, it’s nearly 4am. It’s always nearly fucking 4am.

He leans in the doorway and pulls out his cigarettes, lights one and the first drag permeates his lungs and brings him down. He can still feel Callum, inside him, all over him. It’s a Saturday night but the streets are dead and silent. Except they never are, not really, not for him. He turns and sees Paul smiling brightly; beautiful and bold. He twists his ring and tears start falling, like a trigger. Taking another drag on his cigarette doesn’t do anything this time. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, baby,” he gasps, the words coming out in an acidic stream. The image fades and he rips off his ring to see the ruined skin. He didn’t deserve tonight, he doesn’t deserve Callum.

Choking, wracking sobs bend his body in half for a hysterical few minutes and then, just as quickly as it came on, it passes and he’s left breathless and alone in the dark. 

He told himself that he helped Callum out of the goodness of his heart but the truth is, he wanted him from the start, there was no altruism in anything he did. Not in any of it. He thinks about how he is selfish and deceitful, a thing unworthy of sleeping in this place in the arms of a good man. But he wants to. He wants to go back to bed now.

He lights another cigarette to calm his nerves, a drink would do better but he makes do. He knows if he lets the door go he will have walked out and he doesn't want to do that to Callum. Their connection, what just happened, it was beyond his wildest dreams. And now it’s happened and he can’t talk his way out of it or take it back. Maybe it’s not a bad thing, exactly, but it’s never good to show your hand like that. 

He stubs out his cigarette and takes in a lungful of cold air then goes back upstairs feeling sick to his stomach. This is the right thing for both of them and he should at least try to do the right thing.

Callum’s bedroom door is ajar and realises the bedside lamp must be on because there’s a soft orange glow. He walks in and finds Callum sitting up under the covers.

“Missed you,” Callum whispers.

Ben sits down next to him and rests his head on his bare shoulder. “I’m such a fucking mess.”

“Everyone’s a bit of a mess, don’t mean we don’t deserve nights like this.”

Fuck, how does he always know?

“I lied.”

“When?”

“I let you think I helped you because I’d been where you were but that ain’t true. I only helped you because I wanted something from you.”

“What did you want?”

“This,” Ben admits.

“I wanted this, too. I tried to tell myself I didn't but I did. Don’t mean you didn’t give me strength and make me feel good about myself. Because you did, and you still do.”

“Don’t sound like me.”

“You’ll just have to take my word for it, won’t ya?” Ben smiles despite himself. “You staying?”

“Yeah, if you’ll have me.” Callum gently moves away and kisses Ben softly. It’s so sweet, he’s so sweet. “I’m just gonna clean up.”

Ben takes off his boots and jacket and heads to the bathroom, he looks like shit under the harsh light so he splashes his swollen face with cold water. He does what he can considering how knackered he feels. This is so fucking stupid, he should be asleep, they both should.

He goes back into the bedroom and shuts the door. Callum is curled up, all soft and lovely under the covers.

He strips off his clothes and turns off the bedside lamp as he crawls into bed. 

“Let’s sleep in tomorrow,” Callum mumbles.

“Think that’s a given.”

“Mm… good.”

Callum wraps his arms around him and pulls him in close until their bodies are tangled together, no beginning and no end. He still can’t believe how good he feels with Callum’s chest against his back, all that warmth and affection radiating through every inch of him until he is no longer just himself, their bodies forming an inextricable connection.

He rests his head on the pillow and breathes deep, the sheets don’t smell of nothing anymore, they smell of them. _Them_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, this took so long to come together but hopefully it was worth the wait. Let me know what you think and thank you for all the lovely comments so far. 
> 
> I've been updating every fortnight and I'm going to try my best to update weekly from now on. I think I'll aim for Thursday nights unless anyone has any objections.
> 
> If you're wishing they'd talked more after their first time then you're going to be well into the next chapter!!
> 
> Chapter 7: a choice of weapons
> 
> Ben overhears Callum chatting to his mum in the kitchen and suddenly this is all more real than he feels ready for but a heart to heart with Callum leads to a revelation.


	7. 21st October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Martin and Kush find Ben at the Arches and try to convince him to let Martin off the hook (21.10.2019) and the night before Callum walks in on Ben and Lexi dancing (22.10.2019). 
> 
> Callum and Ben talk after their first proper night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still remember screaming during the episode on Oct 22nd when Callum came down the stairs at the Beale house in his suit so this is basically the story behind that sleepover.
> 
> There's a line in here that I would normally have edited out but I decided to leave it because it made me laugh. This is very vague, I know.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Some sexual content. Intense conversations about self worth.

_ **21st October 2019** _

Ben starts to fall asleep along with Lexi even though it's not even 8pm. She should be in bed but she's been poorly all day and he doesn't have the heart to move her. Her head is buried in his chest and her little hand is encircling his wrist and he is in awe. She is more precious than anything else in the world and she has fallen asleep in his arms. 

He thinks briefly of Martin and his family but quickly pushes the image away. Martin walking into his place of work holding his best friend's hand like a fucking child today turned his stomach. He came home early and washed the conversation down the drain in a long, hot shower but he still wasn't able to eat anything at dinner.

No, Martin is getting what he deserves and it's nothing he can't handle. He strokes Lexi's hair and she sighs in her sleep. His priority is to his own.

He jumps at the sound of the back door opening but Lexi doesn't stir. Nobody shouts hello so he strains to see who's there but he can't see anything. Fuck. Did he lock it after he got home? Was it open? It could be anyone. He glances down at Lexi, vulnerable and innocent. If he yells then he'll wake her and frighten her, if he just sits here, he could be putting her in danger.

He's about to pick her up to take her away when he hears his mum laugh. His gaze snaps up from his daughter to the kitchen and he sees Kathy unpacking something. Fuck. He takes a deep breath to try and slow his heart. 

"I can't believe he lasted a day, to be honest with ya. Don't tell him I said that though!"

Shit. That's Callum. 

"Hey Princess, daddy's just gotta--"

Lexi looks up at him, bleary eyed and then nuzzles back against his chest. He's trapped. He doesn't know what's going on and there's nothing he can do.

He strains again and sees Callum wearing his black suit, looking fucking gorgeous as always.

His mum and Callum talk in hushed voices for a while, an eternity maybe, and he can't make out a single fucking word. It's torture just sitting, waiting. 

Eventually, Callum appears in the doorway and creeps towards him and Lexi. 

"Hey," he whispers. 

"She ain't well, sore tummy, think she must be allergic to something 'cause it happens a lot and it can't always be a bug, can it? That's what we-- me and Lo, that's what we was thinking anyway." Shit, he's rambling, he hears it and cuts himself short. 

Callum pulls a sympathetic face and ruffles Ben’s hair before sitting on the arm of the sofa.

"I'm sorry to hear that, it ain't no fun having a poorly tummy. I'm glad she's getting time with her Daddy."

Lexi rolls over and says hello to him and hearing Callum's name in her voice makes Ben's heart lurch.

"What are you doing here?" Ben blurts out. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I was just helping your mum home with some heavy looking boxes. Stuart had a trial shift at the caff today--"

"I saw him. I was there for breakfast."

"You should've said," Callum says, prodding his leg. "Anyway, apparently it ended in him throwing Ian's tea at him."

Callum looks embarrassed, how many fucking times does he need to tell him not to take responsibility for his brother.

"He deserved it for shouting his mouth off," his mum says, wandering in from the kitchen, "I chucked his dinner at him too for good measure."

They both laugh loudly and Ben tries to smile but it all feels impossible.

Being here with his mum and Callum, both of them in on a joke he didn't catch, it’s just too much. He has to get out. He hasn't had time to figure this out yet, it's too soon. He has to get away. 

"Right, it's this one's bedtime," Ben hoists Lexi into his arms. "Say nanight to Nana and Callum." 

He tries to make a quick exit but Lexi reaches out to Callum and he clutches her hand and wobbles it around. "I hope you sleep well and feel better in the morning," he coos.

She thanks him in a small voice and finally Ben can carry her out of the room.

Lola emerges from her bedroom when he gets to the top landing and he wants to tell her off for ambushing him but he watches her for a moment and sees that she's not looking at him at all, she's gazing at their daughter. The panic of a moment ago starts to diffuse and he has to lean against the wall to keep holding Lexi up.

"I thought I heard Callum," she whispers.

"Yeah he's in the living room."

"Oh, alright then, let me get her to bed and you go rescue him. Go on." 

He opens his mouth to protest but how could he ever explain that he's scared, terrified actually, when he doesn't even know why.

He puts Lexi down and immediately feels bereft of her and so drops to his knees to hold her in his arms again. He feels better when she's close, closer to complete, maybe. She is, he thinks, the only part of him that is still good and clean.

"Are you alright, Ben?" 

He looks up at Lola and her eyes are full of concern. 

"You know me." 

She rubs his back and gently ushers Lexi away into the bathroom. She always knows when to talk to him and when he isn't ready. He should thank her for it. 

He stops at the top of the stairs and listens to Callum talk, not to the words he's saying but to the cadence of his voice. He wants to run downstairs and stand beside him but he can't move. Callum laughs his big bubbly laugh and Ben finds himself smiling despite himself. Maybe if he stays here for long enough then Callum will leave. 

Maybe he doesn't want that to happen.

In the end it's his body that carries him towards Callum, as it always is. 

"I was just about to head off," Callum says when he gets to the bottom stair.

"Stay," the word comes out much too loud and much too fast, "only if you want to, obviously."

Callum breaks out into a huge smile, the one that's mostly dimples that he seems to reserve for Ben alone. "I want to," he says. 

"Alright, you two. If you don't mind I will be taking up residence here in the sitting room. I have been on my feet all day," Kathy says, settling down on the sofa.

Ben kisses his mum on the cheek by way of a thank you for giving him an excuse to take Callum straight up to his room, then grabs two beers out of the fridge and goes upstairs with Callum close behind. He cracks the bottles open on the corner of the chest of drawers in his bedroom and settles cross-legged on the bed.

"Mind if I..? This ain't exactly comfortable," Callum says, gesturing to his suit. 

"Let's just get this out of the way, you never have to ask me if it's ok to take your kit off."

Callum takes off his suit carefully and lays it over the back of the chair Ben usually stashes his clothes on at the end of the day. He leaves his shirt on but unbuttons it a bit and undoes the cuffs. Ben's eyes bug when he sees he's wearing boxers and not his usual shorts. Grey boxers that frame his perfect peachy arse and show off his beautiful dick and suddenly Ben can't think straight. 

"Fuck, you could've warned me."

Callum looks confused. "What d'you mean?"

"I ain't ever seen you in them," he points to his boxers and Callum throws his eyes up. "Bend over for me."

"Ben!"

"What? I'd do it for you."

"Would ya?" He's clearly thinking of something else because there's real weight in his words. 

Callum grabs his beer and takes a long drink of it then sits at the other end of the bed with his back against the wall. He's within arm's reach but he feels so far away. Ben crawls over to him but Callum sets his jaw when he strokes his face.

"What're you thinking about?" Ben asks.

"Don't matter."

Callum bends over and puts his beer down and Ben thinks maybe he's going to kiss him but he buries his face in his hands instead. He watches him in silence. For all his big talk, he never knows what to say when it comes to moments like this.

"You're stressing me out now, Callum, not gonna lie."

He smiles that tight smile of his that says he's barely keeping something down. "Sorry, just everything with my brother…" he trails off. 

Ben squeezes his shoulder and sits close. "Can I do anything?"

He shakes his head, no.

Ben keeps squeezing his shoulder as he watches his face but he doesn't have a tell, he just stares ahead until, finally, he takes a deep breath and sits up straight like he's just decided on something. He turns to Ben and kisses him, softly at first but it quickly deepens, he can feel he's holding back but he becomes more Ben's with every passing second. Callum pulls him into his lap and Ben straddles his legs and sinks fully into the kiss. Everything starts to ebb away and the divide between them closes in. 

Callum unbuttons his shirt revealing a close fitting t-shirt underneath that hugs his body. Ben barely has a moment to appreciate it before Callum moves him onto his back and settles on top of him. He kisses him again and at first Ben revels in the weight of him, the pressure of his body against his own, his smell but then flashes of Saturday night run through his head and his heart starts to race. 

Callum pulls away and searches his face. "What just happened?" 

"Nothing," he reaches up for him but Callum catches his wrist. Ben groans, "Fine. I was remembering the other night."

Callum rolls against the wall, one leg still between Ben's, a symbol of reassurance. "I've been thinking about it too." 

He looks so sad it makes Ben's chest hurt.

"It weren't that bad, was it?"

"Nah, nah, not like that. It’s just… I woke up when you got out of bed and I watched you get dressed. I should've said something but I couldn't find the words and then you were gone. I thought the best I could do was leave a light on for you."

"Shit. I just had to clear my head, it weren't about you."

"You always say that, that it's not about me. But it is, Ben." He tries to hoist himself up but Callum grabs hold of him. "It's okay, you're okay, we're just talking."

"You shouldn't be looking after me right now."

"I'm a grown man, I can do whatever I want." 

"It was intense, I just needed a breather." Callum doesn't say anything. He's out on a ledge here and even if that ledge does so happen to be a soft bed and a warm body, it's still terrifying. "It's like all these old wounds got opened up again, I felt raw. I guess. I dunno."

"I think you do know."

"You what?"

"You were saying it, you just stopped yourself. Talk to me, Ben. It's just us here."

When Ben goes to sit up this time, Callum lets him and sits up next to him. They both reclaim their beers and drink in silence for a bit. Ben should use the time to think but he can't so he just waits for his heart to slow and the room to stop spinning instead.

"I knew, I knew if I just got over myself that we'd be amazing and we were. I mean, I ain't imagining things, am I?"

"No, I err… I don't actually think _amazing_ does it justice to be honest with ya." 

Ben smiles, he's right. It's comforting to know he felt it too. "I just wanted to get it over with the first time." 

"I thought I'd done something wrong."

Ben's heart sinks. "No, babe, it weren't about you--" he hears it. "Fuck."

"Yeah." Callum smiles and takes a swig of his beer. 

"I didn't mean…" normally Callum would rescue him but he doesn't, he just stares at the wall opposite them in silence. "I'm sorry."

"It was intense for me too. I didn't know it could be like that." 

Ben wants to make a joke but his mind is blank. 

Callum takes Ben's beer out of his hand and sets both their bottles down then cups his face and kisses him, a soft and tender kiss that sends tingles through Ben's body. 

He shivers when Callum pulls away. There it is, the intensity of the other night, that feeling that takes his breath away. He leans in and kisses Callum's neck and he sighs and grips Ben's hoodie, Callum feels it too, he knows he does. 

Ben keeps his face hidden in the crook of Callum's neck. "There was this voice in my head telling me to walk away but I didn't want to. I wanted to be with you."

"You didn't just come back 'cause you felt bad?"

"No!" He sits up to look Callum in the eye. "No, I came back because I wanted to. I only left because I don't…" he lowers his voice to a whisper, "I don't deserve you."

"I told you, I decide what I deserve. And I deserved what we had on Saturday night and I deserved for you to stay after and… and I deserve your honesty, Ben, I do."

Ben realises he's breathing hard but he can't regulate it, he's so used to taking all the pain for himself that he'd forgotten Callum's side of this. 

"I just wanted to protect you."

"From what?"

"Me."

"But you ain't protecting me, you're denying me. And look what happens when you stop, when you…" he smiles, "when you _let me in._ "

"I know! I know. We're too good to--"

"--deny ourselves," Callum finishes his sentence and it wasn't what Ben was going to say but it resonates regardless. He's right, he's absolutely fucking right. 

Callum closes the gap between them but before their lips meet they're interrupted by a light knock on the door and a tiny voice. Ben jumps up and leaves Callum alone in his room and finds Lexi standing in the hallway, rubbing her eyes. 

He gathers her up in his arms, lays her back in bed and tucks her in. 

Ben sits on the edge of her bed and strokes her yellow hair. "I love you. I love you to the moon and back." 

"I know," she mumbles sleepily, "I love you too." 

She loves him unconditionally and completely, the way he loves her. There's nothing about deserving, there's nothing about who he is, it's just about who they are to each other. 

"Want me to put the nightlight on, Princess?" 

"I ain't scared of the dark."

He kneels beside her bed to make sure he has her attention. "Did you ever notice that I sleep with the curtains open a bit?" She nods. "It's 'cause I'm scared of the dark. I know I'm safe here at home, in my bed but I feel better with light coming in. And that's okay, innit?"

She thinks for a moment and then says, "Put the light on," with a certainty that makes Ben's heart swell. He lifts up her unicorn nightlight that gives off a soft pink glow and neighs loudly. "You're so silly, Daddy."

"You ain't wrong, darling." 

He closes her bedroom door and walks along the hall but stops short of his room.

Everyone makes choices in this life. Even doing nothing is a choice. And there's nothing you can do about someone else's choices. Ben might not deserve Callum but apart from dumping him there's nothing he can do to stop Callum from choosing to be with him. And he deserves to not be denied.

When he opens his door he finds Callum reading one of his car magazines. He turns the key and rattles the handle to make sure it’s definitely locked.

"Is she ok?" 

"Yeah, she's good."

"I don't understand a word of this."

"Now you know how I feel when you go on about football."

Ben takes the magazine out of Callum's hands and kisses him again. This thing with Callum is a choice and he's choosing it because it feels good, because he wants it, because giving it’s what Callum deserves. 

“You look so soft in your trackies," Callum says, running his finger inside Ben's waistband.

"Come here," Ben backs off the bed and drags Callum with him.

Callum encircles his waist and draws him into another kiss, yet again making the box room feel like it could be anywhere, lost completely in his embrace.

Callum keeps moving him backwards until he’s pushed against his chest of drawers. Fuck, Callum's body feels so good against his own, the crush of his chest cracking Ben open. 

Callum bends and grabs Ben around his middle and lifts him up onto the drawers like he's weightless. He pushes Ben's knees apart roughly and stands between them and kisses Ben all over wherever he can reach, his kisses falling over him like rain. 

“I told you I couldn’t stop thinking about how you shake when you come, d’you remember?” Callum whispers, low.

“How could I possibly forget that?”

“It’s ‘cause I can’t believe I do that to you, it burns me up thinking about it. But you should know, Ben, we do that to each other.”

“Well, you’re a natural.”

“That ain’t what I meant…”

“I know. We’re good together. We’re good at this.”

“We are," Callum echoes.

Ben wraps his arms around Callum's shoulders and lifts himself just enough for Callum to push his waistband down off his hips. He looks down at Ben's half hard dick and licks his lips. 

Callum unzips Ben's hoodie and slips it off his shoulders and yanks off his own t-shirt as Ben does the same. The kissing is more feral after that, how quickly they slip from talking to this, to desperate need. Callum strokes Ben's dick and then stops and grabs him by the neck instead and squeezes, just slightly, as he leans over and kisses him roughly. Callum is full of this, this frenetic energy that suggests he has a litany of things he wants to do to him that he doesn't even have words for. 

When he lets go, Ben pushes him away; he stumbles backwards and all Ben can focus on is the way his hard dick strains against his skin tight boxers.

He doesn't bother to meet his eye, he knows Callum knows what he's thinking and he proves it so when he moves his hand over his stomach and then down to graze his bulge. He's such a fucking exhibitionist and nobody knows it but Ben and he'd never tell but even if he did, nobody would believe him. He traces the line of his dick and sucks in breath, his soft stomach drawing in every time he circles the head of his dick through the tight fabric.

He rubs along the length of his dick and takes a firm hand over his balls and a wet patch of precum blooms across the front of his boxers. Ben has to bite his lip to keep from moaning at the sight of it. 

He pulls his boxers down and lets his dick bounce free which is always a sight to behold. It's not much to look at when he's soft but it's fucking magnificent when he's hard; if that isn't Callum to a tee. Even his dick is humble. 

He bridges the gap between them and kisses Ben again and bites down on his bottom lip, like he'd fucking devour him if he could. He spits in his hand and fuck, Ben has to find out why he does that so casually like it isn't the hottest fucking thing anyone has ever done but the words die in his throat as soon as Callum grabs his dick. 

Callum bends over until he can slide his dick against Ben's and then takes both of them in his big hand and fists them together. He uses the pad of his thumb to bump over the ridge of the head of Ben's dick, just to make staying quiet that much harder but two can play at that game. Ben snakes a hand between them and twists Callum's nipple, unsteadying him so he has to grip hold of the drawers with his free hand.

It doesn't take long until Ben is on the edge watching Callum's hand and feeling the friction of his dick against his own. Callum presses his mouth over Ben's, less of a kiss and more of a gag. He absentmindedly tugs on Callum's nipple and feels his dick jump.

A sharp bolt of pleasure flies through Ben's body from where Callum's hand is working into his stomach and sparkling all the way down to his toes. Callum comes with him, gasping and whining into his mouth, his hot cum spilling over Ben's stomach. 

Callum falls forward and rests his head on Ben's shoulder as he pants for breath, he seems to be leaning his entire weight on Ben but he can take it.

"We're fucking amazing at all of this, ain't we?" Ben says.

"Yeah."

"I thought.. I thought I could throw us off, I thought I could protect you and… and me, both of us, but I can't, even if I wanted to." 

Callum stands up and glances around for something and wipes his hand off on a tissue then shakily pulls up his boxers that were still caught on one foot. 

Ben watches him and wonders if he heard. He watches as Callum finds his t-shirt and puts it on. 

Ben uses his t-shirt to clean off and chucks it into the wash bin and pulls his joggers back up. He's starting to feel exposed but he's learned that Callum will take his time and he has to be patient, he has to try not to fucking die while he waits. 

Ben hops off the chest of drawers and stands in front of Callum and he still doesn't speak, instead he holds Ben in his gaze. Their height difference always makes his heart flutter but especially so when it's drawn so starkly as it is tonight, both of them standing barefoot, barely a breath between them.

Callum runs his finger along the line of Ben's throat and his shoulder and down his arm. 

"I've given up on trying to stand in our way, trust me, it's pointless. I tried, I tried _everything_. I got all the way to a registry office. You have no idea how hard I tried." He lowers his voice to where Ben can barely hear him. "I know I can't stay away from you."

Callum sighs deeply and throws himself back onto the bed.

Ben sits facing him between his legs and then lets himself fall back too. He only has to wish he had a pillow for his head here at the foot of the bed for a few seconds before Callum reads his mind and throws one to him. 

“What’re you thinking?”

“That it’s true what they say about men with big feet.” 

Ben shakes Callum’s foot for emphasis but he lifts his head and says, “Who says what, sorry?”

“Don’t matter.” Fuck, he’s adorable.

Callum squeezes Ben’s ankle and then sits up and pulls his foot onto his thigh to massage it.

“D’you wanna come round to mine after work on Thursday?”

“Yeah, alright.” Callum kneads his knuckles into the arch of Ben’s foot and he nods slightly but he doesn’t look up. “I mean, that would be nice, yeah. I'd like that.”

“I thought I could cook for ya, I mean what with cooking being my thing and all and you being my--” He swallows thickly. “I just thought it might be fun.”

“I could go for a candlelit dinner for two.”

“How’d you know about the candles?”

“Because it’s you, Callum.”

Callum lets go of his foot so he shakes it at him until he takes hold of him again and starts rubbing his thumbs into his heel. 

“And I was thinking, you know, after, we don’t… we don’t have to be quiet.”

“Blimey! Never thought I’d be so excited for a weeknight dinner!”

“Don’t mess, Ben.”

“I ain’t!”

Callum finds the hollows of his ankle and frowns, "You're so tense."

"Yeah, but it's just work. I feel calm with you. I'd feel even calmer if you came here." 

Callum crawls over him and settles between his knees, kissing him softly. It feels beyond dreamy kissing him when it's not going anywhere, it's pure romance. God, he's so in love. 

Callum breaks the kiss, “What’re you thinking?” 

It's too soon, he can't say. “That you might be able to salvage the pasta bake I made for dinner 'cause I’m starving.”

Callum smiles brightly and pushes himself off Ben and onto his feet. 

“You’ll have to lend me something to wear though, in case anyone sees. This is for your eyes only.”

Ben finds his biggest pair of jogging bottoms but even then they hug Callum’s thighs in a way that is almost obscene. 

The house is silent so they close the kitchen door and Ben takes a seat up on the counter as Callum goes to work. He roots through the fridge and the cupboards and narrates what he’s doing but to be honest Ben isn’t listening, he’s just watching him work. He’s so careful and precise and he gets so quickly lost in what he’s doing that sometimes he’ll knock something over or bump into the pan and grab it just before it tips. He’s so many things all at once. 

He puts a plate of pasta in Ben's hands and serves one up for himself. Ben’s is presented beautifully where his is just plopped into a bowl but that’s Callum all over, always looking out for everyone else ahead of himself.

It tastes better, much better, than Ben’s attempt and normally he’s a sore loser but not with Callum.

“It’s delicious now, babe.”

“Aw, well, you--”

“Just take the compliment.” Callum hides his smile and goes back to his food, leaning against the counter and cradling the bowl in his hand. "You make it all look so easy, in here, upstairs… chatting away to my mum earlier."

"Are you kidding? I was having an out of body experience the entire time, I want to get it right but I felt like everything I said was so stupid."

"As if. Callum, you're getting it right just by being you. Trust in that."

Callum nods but Ben can tell he doesn't really believe him. They eat in silence after that. Except it's not silence, it's peace. 

Ben finishes his pasta first and watches Callum eat, it’s such a gorgeous sight. 

“What are you smiling about?” Callum asks.

“Nothing.” Callum nods and goes back to prodding his food. “Nah, I dunno why I said that. Not nothing, you. You. You make me smile." 

Callum doesn’t say anything but Ben sees the pink flush creeping up his neck. It feels good to be honest with him and he knows there’ll be backlash, that the next time he’s alone it’ll creep up on him and turn his stomach but he just needs to remember the way he feels right now; happy, finally. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even his dick is humble. 
> 
> Thank you for reading ✨
> 
> Chapter 8: come as you are
> 
> Now, we all know that the candlelit dinner doesn't happen because Ben ends up getting arrested so that is not what the next chapter is about. Normally I'd include the summary here but I don't want to spoil anything but what I will say is that it's character driven smut set the night of October 25th and I am so excited to share my take on that with yous!
> 
> PS If you promise not to take the piss out of me for my taste in music you can check out my writing playlist on Spotify here: https://tinyurl.com/y874khog


	8. 25th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben arrives at Callum’s flat full of nervous energy having just dangled Martin off a bridge and makes a demand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set on of October 25th 2019 in which Ben lead Martin to believe he was off the hook before showing him that he was not to be messed with and Callum, emboldened by his chat with Ben at breakfast, confronted Leo at E20.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Angst and consensual rough sex.

_ **25th October 2019, 11.45pm** _

Ben was meant to be at Callum’s hours ago. Dinner will have long since gone cold and in the bin. He doesn’t want to take out his phone and see all the missed calls and texts so he stands out on the street staring up at his window trying to work out what to do. It feels like a lifetime has passed between the last night they spent together and now. Even breakfast feels like a million years ago. And yet, despite everything, he finds himself back here, in Callum’s orbit, his body straining towards him.

He should definitely ring first but his stomach turns when he goes to reach for his phone so he presses the buzzer instead and hopes for the best, unsure of what that even is. Callum answers fast enough to suggest he’s been waiting for him and Ben knows he should feel guilty but actually he likes knowing that he was waiting. Ben says something, something about knowing it’s late and how he’s sorry and there’s no reply but then the door gives way and Callum hangs up the receiver. 

The stairs are lit up and music disrupts the silence, it feels like a welcome, like a safe house in the middle of the war even without Callum yet in view. Ben runs up the stairs to get it all over with as fast as possible and finds Callum still by the entryphone, his face unreadable.

“Caught up at work,” Callum nods and looks down at the floor, “two days running,” he adds by way of acknowledgement that he’s done a shitty thing and showed up with an even worse excuse. 

Callum looks up directly into his eyes. “Don’t matter,” he says, sure and firm. 

A sudden sense of peace overcomes him, he should have known, he should have known that Callum would get it, that he’d know what to do.

“Come here,” he whispers.

He takes Callum’s shirt in his fists and tilts his face towards his light. Callum curls his fingers around the back of Ben’s neck and strokes his jaw with the pad of his thumb, always coming at everything from a stance of tenderness first. Callum kisses him once, twice, pulling away to look at him, to take him in perhaps. When he leans in again he starts to walk Ben backwards towards the bedroom and he lets himself admit it then, that he needs this, he needs him. Everything he’s been keeping in starts to go crazy against his chest, a moth beating its wings wildly towards Callum’s glow.

He loses his grip on Callum’s shirt and for a moment he doesn’t know what to do with his hands until instinct takes over and he holds onto Callum’s neck as if this were a dance with Callum leading. 

But Callum, full of misdirection, always catching him off guard, bangs him up against the wall with a thud instead of taking him to bed and lifts him onto his toes with one hand grasping his coat at the waist and another at his jaw. The crush of his body, the power he holds, Ben needs this, he needs somewhere he can put down his weapons and relinquish control. When Callum lets him go, it’s only to give him enough space to take off his coat. He lets Ben drop it in the doorway of his brother’s bedroom, an act of defiance as far as Ben can tell.

Callum’s hands are all over him again, blindly grasping for him as he deepens the kiss, he tastes of blood and heat and want. This, this is why he was waiting by the door all night. It sends a shiver up Ben’s spine.

Ben nearly knocks something over but neither of them bother to look, nothing matters now but this. Ben grabs hold of his shirt again to drag him into the bedroom, he needs him, he needs to feel the weight of him. They don’t bother to close the door because nothing else exists but them and this. 

Ben falls back onto the bed and pulls Callum down on top of him and his body on his is the most exquisite pressure. He wraps his legs around Callum’s waist and rocks his hips into him and finds him already hard. They move together, clawing at each other, neither finding the willpower to move apart to undress even though they're both desperate for more.

In the end it’s Callum who kneels up and starts unbuttoning Ben’s shirt but then he stops and rubs a hand between his legs instead, like now they’re down to it, he doesn’t know where to start.

But Ben knows what he wants. “Fuck me,” he growls. Callum nods and fumbles with more buttons before giving up and going for Ben’s belt instead. “Put your hands around my neck.”

A look of something flashes across Callum’s face, concern, maybe. Shit. He leans back in and kisses Ben again but the urgency is already waning, like this kiss is to slow things down.

“Thought you weren’t gonna show, been thinking about you, been wanting you,” he says against Ben’s face. 

Ben pushes him away. “Then fuck me."

Ben tries to suck in breath to calm himself but he feels ten feet tall lying down on the bed. 

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I just need you. What’s wrong with that?” Callum reaches out to cup his face but he jerks out of the way. “You keep saying I should be honest and-- and talk to you and not deny us and then I ask you to do one, just one fucking thing and suddenly you’re suspicious.”

“ _Suspicious_?” He barks out a laugh. “You just seem a bit, like maybe your head ain’t right, I just wanna make sure--”

“My head ain’t right?”

“I didn’t mean--”

“Fuck, sorry. Sorry for thinking I could come round and see my man for a bit of stress relief after a shit week. Sorry you think that makes me twisted.”

“I never said _twisted_. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

Ben pushes past Callum off the bed and buttons what he can of his shirt and buckles his belt. 

“Yeah, well, I ain’t. I ain’t alright.” He claps loudly feeling manic and full of wild energy, energy that was meant to be being absorbed between their bodies, not spilling out into the room. This wasn’t something Callum was ever meant to see. Panic rises like bile. “Well done, ya sniffed me out. Nice to know you don’t want me at my worst. I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Ben stumbles out of the room and picks up his coat off the floor. 

“Ben! Where are you going? Let’s sort this out.”

“I don’t wanna sort out shit.” 

Ben flies down the stairs and out the front door, out of the light.

He crashes in through the front door at home and up the stairs, grabs his holdall and fills it with the contents of his bedside drawer and stuffs the clothes from the back of his chair in next and the bottle of whiskey he keeps hidden away. 

He finds himself running on his way to the dark and empty Mitchell house and curses as his hand shakes so hard he almost can’t get the door open.

He goes straight to his room, or what was his room, because, truth is, nowhere really feels like home but at least here there’s nobody to see the mess he’s in. He shouldn’t have let Callum see him like that, he’s fucked it now. He’s sure of it. 

The sudden silence feels surreal so he puts his TV on and turns it up as loud as it’ll go and some old sitcom with a laugh track blasts and swirls round his head. He roots around in his bag for the whiskey and takes a long gulp only for it to come back in an acidic rush. He manages to keep it down with a hand around his throat but he has to face up to the truth that it isn’t what he needs. It isn’t even what he wants. He ran out on what he needs and slammed the door.

He hears his phone ringing, he hasn’t looked at it all day, not since the call to Martin where he let him believe he was off the hook but that’s unrelated. He's not bothered by any of that. It rings and rings and rings over and over. 

He kicks off his shoes and tries to sit in his armchair but just as quickly jumps up and flicks through the TV to a radio station and leaves it on some music he can’t discern but which drowns out his ringtone. He looks around his room and tries to decide what to do next and decides on closing the curtains. 

There’s a moment between songs where the room comes back to him and the truth that his phone is still ringing hits him like a tyre iron. Fuck. 

He pulls the plug to the TV out of the wall and answers his phone and Callum’s voice is a hot knife that cuts through his nervous energy.

“Where are you? Let me come get you.”

He sinks onto the bed, calm now, just like that. “My Dad’s house. Just me here. They’re away.” 

“I’ll just be a couple of minutes, yeah?”

Ben hangs up and sees all the texts and missed calls and quickly blackens the screen. The adrenaline coursing through his veins makes time go fast and it feels like it’s only been seconds when he hears Callum’s voice from downstairs. He must have left the back door unlocked. He yells for him to come up.

Callum appears in the doorway with a soft smile and a nervous hand in his hair, he’s changed out of his denim shirt into a soft navy blue jumper and all Ben wants to do is go to him and put his arms around him and tell him he’s sorry.

“Can I come in?”

“Course.”

Ben heaves himself up and Callum walks straight for him and kisses him and caresses his face. 

He nudges Ben’s nose with his own, a signal for him to open his eyes, “I want you at your best,” he leans in again and presses a hot kiss against Ben’s lips then pulls back, “and your worst,” he adds another kiss like a signature, “I’ll take you as you come, Ben.”

“I want you too.”

Callum leans back in and kisses him long and slow and his tongue and his touch are prickly electric, every brush of his hand giving Ben pins and needles as if his body is waking up from a dead, deep sleep.

He breaks the kiss and holds Ben’s face to search his eyes. “Have you been drinking?”

“No.”

“You taste--”

“One swig of whiskey. Callum, I still don’t wanna talk about it,” he says and glances to the door but Callum holds fast.

“I never said I wanted to talk, you ain’t the only one with things they don’t wanna talk about. I just wanted to make sure your head was on right.”

Ben swallows hard and looks back from the dark rectangle of the open door to Callum’s face. “And if it is?” He asks in a quiet voice.

Callum takes a step back and leaves Ben to stand on his own. He licks his lips and runs his hand through his hair and Ben notices beads of sweat on his hairline he didn’t see when they were standing close. 

“I need to hear you say it.”

“I’m-- I’m good. Are you?”

“Yeah.” Callum furrows his brow like he’s having to struggle to keep this part of him at the surface when the animal is so close to bursting out of his skin. “What do you want?”

“Want you to put your hands around my throat, want you to kiss me, want you-- just want you.”

“And you’ll tell me if it’s too much, if you want me to stop?”

"I'll tell you, if you’ll tell me?”

Callum nods and breathes out a _yeah_ before he turns the light off and for a stretch before his eyes adjust, Ben loses sight of him. The bedroom now the black room stands and waits for one or the other of them to make a move. Ben feels Callum moving towards him and he tries to remember just to breathe and keep breathing.

Callum catches Ben around the throat, his knuckles pressing lightly into his jaw, and walks him backwards, slowly, until he hits the wall. Ben tries to see him but Callum's face moves and shifts in the darkness. That thrill he feels when he’s with him moves up his spine like mercury through a thermometer. He presses his hand, just a little, and Ben's eyes roll back. 

How he does this, how he takes Ben out of his teenage bedroom and transposes him into the dark room of a club is a mystery he doesn’t want to unravel. If he saw behind the curtain, if he heard Callum’s thoughts, then maybe it wouldn’t go straight to his dick when Callum did this and he needs this tonight, he needs to be hard, so fucking hard he can’t think anymore. They both want this and that’s all that matters. That’s all there is. 

Callum eases his grip and smooths his hands over Ben's chest and sides and then seems to have a change of heart and grabs him up again, holds him under the jaw and around the waist and kisses him, pinned against the wall. 

“Are you ok?” Callum whispers.

“Yeah, this is good.”

Callum yanks his jumper off and throws it and Ben can see the beacon bright white glare of his undershirt even in the dark before he grabs Ben’s wrists and pins them over his head. He waits for Ben to stretch up to meet him to receive another kiss which he dutifully does; sometimes the only way to reap the rewards is to play by the rules. 

His shirt feels like too much, like he’s trapped in it, but maybe that’s the point. Callum smells of sweat and desire and Ben strains to connect their bodies but can’t. The frustration is immense, trying to reach him, trying to struggle free, trying to get anywhere and failing. And yet when Callum does let go of his wrists he leaves his hands up in surrender, the struggle forgotten.

Callum drops to his knees, breathing Ben in as he sinks to the floor, he’s been sweating heavily and yet Callum inhales him deeply. It’s almost reverential, falling slowly to his knees as if this worship is to be savoured. He unbuckles Ben’s belt and pulls it free of his waistband and holds it for a beat before dropping it and if Ben could find the words, he’d tell him to do whatever it was he was thinking about but he doesn’t want to push him too far too fast. He pulls down Ben’s trousers and lifts his feet for him to step out of them and then pulls off his socks. He rests his face against Ben’s thigh and breathes in a lungful of his scent before dragging his boxers down with newfound fervour. 

He sinks his lips over Ben’s hard dick and Ben sees blood red behind his eyes as bright, sticky want spreads through his dick and down his legs until he can barely keep himself upright. Callum pulls off and nuzzles in between Ben’s legs and sucks his balls into his mouth, both at once and creeps one hand under his shirt to dig blunt nails into his stomach, somehow finding the exact spot of the deep pull inside him. 

Callum rakes his fingernails then along Ben's inner thighs to make him tremble, a final flourish before he stands and undoes Ben's buttons with trembling hands. His hot breath burns against Ben's face as he breathes heavy and uneven. Ben could stay here forever, naked from the waist down in front of Callum in all his clothes, painfully hard and leaking, on the brink of all things. 

Callum strips Ben’s shirt away and then takes off his own and lets his jeans fall. The sound of his belt hitting the floor is what Ben's mind fixates on until he's snapped back to reality by Callum taking his wrist and directing his hand to his dick.

"Fuck me," Ben chokes out again. Callum doesn’t move. "Fuck me." Callum stops, rabbit in headlights, frozen. “Shit, we can stop--"

“No. No, please, no, just…" he drags a hand over his face, "just point me in the right direction,” he laughs and Ben should tell him that there's no need to be embarrassed but he's overcome by the pitchy shake in his voice. 

“Push me down on the drawers, use your fingers.” 

Callum groans and kisses Ben wild and hungry before throwing him over the chest of drawers, strong hands making sure he doesn't fall.

Ben spreads his hands flat like the last time he was bent over the hood of a car and Callum holds him down with a heavy hand between his shoulder blades and kicks his legs apart then grabs his arse with rough hands and Ben laughs with something akin to relief. 

“That’s perfect, you’re perfect," Ben tells him.

Callum moves away and Ben can hear him doing something and then he slips a lube slick finger against Ben's hole and traces the line of sensitive skin up to his balls a few times until Ben is a shivering mess. 

Callum presses a finger inside and slaps a hand down next to Ben’s to steady himself as if he’s feeling what Ben is. He presses in a second finger and thrusts erratically, taking his time while barely keeping himself together.

"You ready?” 

Ben moves his hand over to Callum’s and hooks their little fingers together in answer and croaks out a hoarse, _Yes, yes, yes_.

Callum pulls his fingers free with a wet squelch and Ben waits, bent over, opened up and exposed for him to grab his hips and pull him into position. Callum sinks the head of his dick inside with a long, low growl and pulls out and pushes back, getting further every time until Ben isn’t sure how much more he can take. He starts to fuck into him then, grunting with every thrust that bangs through Ben’s body and shakes him up inside. It’s good for a minute or so then he slips out and mutters a muffled and guttural _fuck_.

He cups a hand around Ben's throat and places another at his waist to stand him upright and presses his dick against him and holds their bodies together and strokes his hand over his chest. Together they are monolithic, an effigy to burn. Ben rolls his head back against him and is held up and held close. It’s at times like this when Callum shows his strength, he’s all loose limbs in the daytime, but at night, at night he’s transfigured. 

Callum turns him in his arms and guides him onto the drawers and lays him out, flat on his back, and eyes him, ravenous, before sinking inside of him in one excruciatingly slow press. At this angle he hits that spot inside with every thrust and Ben can’t control the noises dripping from him; squeaks, words, fragments. 

Callum rips the curtains open and there, there he is, beautiful, sweat shining on his face. He pounds hard, hard, harder still and watches Ben, awestruck, fighting back to him every time his eyes roll back or flutter closed so as not to miss a moment of this. Ben feels part voyeur on his back with Callum out of reach and he loves it.

The adrenaline still coursing through Ben’s veins makes every thrust feel like the final throes and when Callum pulls out, his body sings. Callum drags Ben to his feet and his legs aren’t working but Callum has him safe and he lowers him carefully onto the bed like he’s weightless. 

There’s a pause, a beat as Callum stops to think and then he smacks, gently, between Ben’s legs, against his balls and the slight twinge of pain gives way to a surge of ecstasy. Ben wants to tell him to do it again but before he can, Callum drops down and sucks his balls into his mouth and fuck, this is good, too. He asked for this that night on the backseat, he didn’t think Callum would remember. Nobody ever remembers.

Ben lifts his shoulders off the bed to watch, to look at the line of his naked body gleaming in the moonlight. Callum licks then from his balls along the line of his dick and kisses along Ben’s stomach, lips ghosting his bullet wound and then over the planes of his chest. Without looking, he reaches up and pins Ben’s hand and buries his face in his armpit and then kisses along his arms and presses his lips against the pulse in Ben’s wrist. 

When he lifts his face, he looks so lost but he quickly finds his way again and pushes back inside of Ben, fucking into him and filling him up, and God, only Callum could make missionary revolutionary. He goes hard and harder and his intensity juxtaposed with the soft slide of his stomach makes Ben’s eyes roll back and he can’t come back to himself after that, the night and everything in it dissolves. He comes in waves, piece by piece of himself falling away until there’s nothing but the friction, the reverberations echoing through his bones and the burn in his thighs. He hears himself cry out and he's loud, wake the street loud, but there’s nothing he can do about it, even if he wanted to (which he doesn’t). 

When he comes to himself he finds Callum dragging him close and closer still, pressing as far inside as he can, gasping and moaning, his knees slipping on the sheets as he tries to press deeper. Ben reaches down with his free hand, knows there’s no point fighting Callum’s grip around his wrist and grabs his arse to pull him further in and whatever he was looking for, he seems to find. 

Ben feels Callum’s body relax and they come apart and back together until Callum is nestled against Ben’s chest, their bodies fused with sweat and cum.

"Was that what you were after?," Callum asks and his voice makes Ben jump. 

"Mm…" 

"You with me?"

Callum looks up and Ben smiles at him. "Crashing. Sorry. It was good, you were so good. Perfect."

He grins. “Good.”

Callum pulls what he can of the duvet around them, which is a corner at best, and sags back against Ben’s chest.

When Ben wakes up, neither of them have moved and Callum’s a dead weight on his ribs. He shakes his shoulder and Callum sits up rubbing his face. 

"Did we fall asleep?" Callum’s words are slurred and he blinks around the room.

"Think we passed out."

"It's still dark out. You ok?"

"Yeah." Ben uses Callum to hoist himself up. "You were fucking amazing."

"So were you." 

Callum shivers, “Gotta get under the covers.” He slips under the duvet and props a pillow up so he can sit and outstretches a hand to Ben for him to follow. He hesitates, briefly, and then clambers over to him and settles in close, arm to arm. Callum takes Ben’s hand in his and interlaces their fingers. 

It takes a moment to comprehend it but once he does he has to stifle a laugh, Ben’s got butterflies in his stomach. Actual fucking butterflies in his tummy. Feeling first kiss nerves while sitting in bed holding hands with a man who just fucked him senseless was the last thing he expected from tonight. He glances up at him but he looks so gorgeous with his hair around his face that he has to look away. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

"Can I kiss you?" Ben hears the words and curses himself. That can't have been the best he could come up with. 

"I'd like that," Callum says quietly. 

So okay.

Ben lets go of his hand to hold his face and they knit together, Callum's arm around his shoulder, Ben's fingers tangled in Callum's hair and then they kiss and kiss and kiss, tingly soft and honey drip slow. 

Callum sinks down his pillow and Ben takes the lead in laying him down gently in the sheets. 

"Do you wanna go to sleep?" Ben asks.

Callum leans up and kisses Ben again and they fall together, arms wrapped around each other, cocooned in the sheets. 

It feels like a dream being so warm and safe in the arms of the man he adores. He doesn’t want to take this for granted, being awake when the rest of the Square is asleep with nobody to see them or judge them or break them apart. 

"We're so lucky," Callum whispers into Ben’s mouth.

"Nah, _I'm_ lucky."

"I wish I'd met you sooner." 

It’s like ice water. Ben breaks the kiss and dips his head into the crook of Callum's neck. "I dunno who I'd be if I'd met you sooner." He says it and it rings true in a way that breaks his heart so instantly and so completely that he can only burrow deeper against Callum and wait for the sadness to pass over. 

Callum squeezes him tight, "Me either."

Ben nods and Callum shivers at the scrape of his stubble against his skin so he turns his attention to kissing his neck. Callum sighs and his body unfurls, long and fluid. He kisses the hot skin of his neck and follows the line of his Adam's apple with his fingertips. He wants to know every inch of his body. 

He thinks of how much power was taken from Callum this week and how staggering it is that he still found the strength to give so much of himself tonight. All Ben wants to do now is look after him like he deserves. 

He nips and bites at the tender skin of Callum's throat and dips his tongue into the soft hollows and finds the spot that makes him moan beneath his jaw and Callum for his part arches his back whenever Ben finds a tender place. He kisses along Callum's jaw and props himself on his elbows to look at him. 

"Why'd you stop?" Callum asks, his voice all high and full of disappointment. 

Ben sucks on his finger and brings it out wet to draw a line down Callum's neck making him quiver. 

"You haven't forgot I know about this, have ya?"

He slips his slick finger tip over the peak of Callum's nipple and he jolts hard. Ben nestles back into the warmth of his shoulder and presses more hot kisses there all the while circling his fingers around Callum’s nipple until he can’t stand hearing the sounds he’s making without looking at him for another second. 

He sits astride Callum’s hips and goes slow, both hands massaging and tugging his nipples, just enjoying watching Callum. When Callum starts to twitch, he bows his head and catches his nipple between his teeth and bites down and he writhes and seizes beneath him. 

Callum grabs him, big hands manhandling him and he finds himself acquiescing and on his back before he remembers that he wanted to make this all about Callum. He goes to protest but Callum rolls him onto his side and pulls him in so his back is flush against his chest and his mind goes blank. Callum hugs him close, the kind of embrace he’s used to when they’re both spent and exhausted but he can feel him hard. 

Ben takes his hand and guides it to his throat, he’s obsessed and he doesn’t know why, it’s not like he’s never experienced this before but ever since Callum did it the night before, his Callum, he’d felt a taste for it creep up on him until it was all he could think about. 

“Is it too much, twice..?”

Ben puts his hand over Callum’s where it’s encircling his neck just to feel how much bigger it is than his own. 

“Do it.” He finds himself unable to say the words that came so easily earlier because right now this doesn’t feel like it’s about fucking, it feels like something else that he daren’t name, something too beautiful and too fragile to say out loud. 

Callum climbs out of bed and when the mattress dips, Ben turns his face to watch Callum roll on the condom. He should tell him he doesn’t need it but his last test was two months ago and he’d have to to show him and explain that he was so stuck on him he couldn’t bear to fuck anyone else since the day he drove him to collect his fucking wedding rings. 

Callum kneels behind him and presses two lubed fingers against his hole and works them inside, to the first knuckle. “That’s enough, just go slow,” Ben says into the pillow.

Settling behind him, Callum holds him close again and Ben draws one leg up towards his chest and waits for the blunt force of Callum’s dick but instead is met with a blissful stretch and then that fullness coming in slow increments and he realises that Callum isn’t moving, his body is working for him, finding its way back to Callum as it always does. Callum grabs at Ben’s thigh and clutches him tightly, waiting for Ben to come to rest. Neither of them powerless, just patient.

“Are you good?” Callum asks.

“Yeah. This is nice, innit?” Ben says, feeling dreamy and far away.

“Mm-hm," Callum hums.

Callum snuggles against Ben and moves his hips in shallow circles that stir and warm. It feels heavenly being so close, not a shadow of passion but something else, something Ben had forgotten about until tonight, something he hasn’t had in years. Less bone melting pleasure and more intimacy and-- and… not love, no, not love. Not love. He rolls his head back and Callum kisses his hair. 

Ben reaches back and holds onto his leg to feel how his muscles work as he moves. There's something about sex under the covers that makes Ben feel normal in a way that is unbelievably comforting. He tugs at the duvet until it’s almost at his shoulders and closes his eyes against the dark room to savour the deep full contentment and the soft clean sheets and the safe hands of this good man. 

Callum holds Ben around his middle and rolls them both over. With Ben on his belly he’s able to push deeper inside him but he keeps the same slow, steady rhythm, dropping kisses on Ben's face and then stops, out of nowhere. 

"Turn over," he whispers.

“Listen to you,” Ben says in mock amazement.

“Too much?”

“No, no, stupid joke. I like it.”

He pulls out slowly and Ben shivers deep at the long slide of his dick and waits for Callum to take his shoulder to guide him onto his back. Time seems to slow after that, fluid and ephemeral. Under the duvet with Callum on top of him, between his knees, in his arms - it all feels like a dream someone else had last night. Ben's body prickles, rolling static and white noise and bursts of bright and loud but it's all secondary to the way Callum's looking at him and the feeling of being the only thing in his world. Callum smooths his thumb over Ben's lips and looks at him with shining eyes and maybe this is even better than before, maybe this is what he really needed. 

Ben stretches out his arms and wraps them around Callum's neck, he's tired, he realises, but he doesn't want this night to end. He rocks his hips and Callum falters and his eyes roll back and he snaps his hips - Ben knows this song. He bites back a giggle and taps Callum to get his attention.

"Come on, babe, come for me," Ben whispers and Callum lets out a surprised _Oh_ as Ben’s words work like a trigger and he immediately falls against his chest, twitching and groaning. “There now, let it all out, babe, come on, for me," he purrs.

Callum whines and shudders hard. “How did you do that?”

“I know you, remember?” Callum shrugs like that still isn’t an answer.

Ben reaches between them for his hard dick and Callum bats his hand away and fists it himself and it doesn't take long, a few seconds, before Ben is spilling over him.

Callum snuggles against Ben's chest and strokes his sides as he shakes through the comedown, apparently Callum is always going to make him shake and he just has to live with that. 

"I should've… When we were…"

Ben tries to look at Callum but just sees a mass of dark hair. "Should've done what?"

"I finished before ya, I should've thought," he groans and winds closer against Ben. "And before... when I couldn't get it right."

"I don't even know what you're talking about, look at me." Callum lifts his face. "I wanted to get out of my own head and you did that and it was good. Really good. Weren't it?"

"Yeah. It was incredible. I just felt like a total idiot when I couldn't get the angle right when you was…" he clears his throat and lowers his voice, "bent over." 

"See, how I remember it is you flipping me over and fucking the living daylights out of me," Callum whines and hides his face again. Ben lowers his voice to an exaggerated stage whisper, "But um, Callum… if you're really concerned, I mean if you _really_ want a note..." 

Callum gets up on his elbows and nods, "Tell me."

"Don't forget that practice makes perfect."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right," he says, earnest and thoughtful. 

Ben doesn't have the heart to tell him it was a joke especially when actually, when he thinks about it, it's true. It can only get better, their game elevated beyond fucking as they get to know each other better. 

"I'm gonna go clean up."

Ben scrambles out of bed and swipes Callum's t-shirt off the floor as he goes and pulls it on as he walks without daring to glance back into the bedroom. 

When he gets back from the bathroom, Callum is gone. The empty bed breaks his heart in so many unexpected ways. If he's gone then he'll survive, that's what he tells himself, anyway, but it doesn't stop him rushing through the hall with panic rising in his throat.

He gropes downstairs in the dark, afraid of what turning the light on might reveal. His knees go weak with relief when he hears the low hum of the TV and he follows it to find Callum curled up on the sofa in his jumper and boxer shorts. 

"Alright?" Ben asks, only because it’s the only thing he can manage to say, and Callum turns to him with a soft smile.

"Been a bit of a weird one. This week, I mean, not tonight. Well, actually, tonight weren't great either but it quick got turned around.”

"Come on then, out with it," Ben says, suddenly very aware he's not wearing any pants, hoping against hope that it doesn't undermine the fact that he does genuinely give a shit about Callum's week.

"Nah, I mean, thank you, but I don't wanna talk about it. I just want what we had here tonight. I don't want it to end actually." 

Ben is too scared to ask whether he means the fucking or what came after. "Me neither," he admits, knowing he should at least say something true. 

"When are they home? Your family."

"Monday. D'you wanna stay? For the weekend?" Callum doesn't answer but the smile that spreads across his face is a definite yes. "That’s settled then."

Ben offers Callum his hand to lead him back to bed but he sinks into Ben's arms upon standing up and buries his face in his shoulder. 

"Wait, what about your work?"

"Nah that's all in hand, it'll just be us."

Callum breathes out a shaky sigh of relief. "Oh my God, I can't tell you how badly I need this."

"Me too."

"The whole weekend." He relaxes his whole body and Ben stumbles a bit trying to hold him up. 

_The whole weekend_. Three nights and two days alone together, no interruptions, no prying eyes. Time to rest and be and mess around. Ben strokes Callum’s back and rocks him in his arms. 

"No talking just FIFA and fucking."

“Aw, Ben!” Callum takes him down onto the sofa and digs his fingers into Ben's sides and he laughs loud enough to wake the neighbours from the pure joy of it. 

Callum hauls him onto his lap and makes a show of tugging his t-shirt down before giving up and kissing him instead. After a while, Callum breaks away to yawn then falls back into the kiss, a long slow kiss in which he envelops Ben further with every passing moment until he’s disappeared in his arms, safe and hidden away. 

They’ll go to sleep when it’s morning, when they have to close the curtains against the sunrise and they’ll sleep when everyone else is getting up and turn the world on its head. They’ll just be each other’s, not a part of anything at all. There’ll be nothing but this; pure bliss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ✨ and thank you to anyone who's ever left a comment - long or short - I appreciate it more than I can say. 
> 
> Hopefully this was an interesting take on what is a much beloved scene!! 
> 
> Chapter 9: i’m sorry, mrs. bates
> 
> It’s Saturday evening and Callum and Ben are planning another all nighter starting with a takeaway and ending in Ben revealing the contents of his holdall. If you were wondering why I mentioned him emptying the contents of his bedside table into a bag then tune in next week!!


	9. 26th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum spend another night alone together in the Mitchell house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I just wanted to say that I'm going to aim to post weekly on either Thursday or Friday evening and I'll try to let yous know in advance if I'll be missing a week. 
> 
> **Warnings:** There's lots of smut in this chapter. Consensual pain play and D/s dynamics.

_**26th October, 2019, 5.36pm** _

The room is twilight grey and flat when Ben opens his eyes and for a second he forgets why he’s back here, in this room. Then he remembers and turns, slowly, still disbelieving. Without his glasses he can only make out that Callum is there, not his features. There’s a lurch in his chest when it occurs to him that maybe Callum was watching him sleep but that's quickly forgotten when he finds himself engulfed in strong arms.

Callum seeks out his mouth to kiss him and places one possessive hand on his back in order to sweep him along and away into a heady dance between the sheets. They kiss raw and warm, there's no room for words just breath and hands. Callum is in his boxer shorts, his jumper was tossed aside when they finally went to bed this morning and Ben is in nothing but his borrowed t-shirt. Lost in a deep, rhythmic kiss, Ben wraps his arms around Callum and holds him close, he feels so perfect in his embrace as if once upon a time they were fused and then torn apart and that's why there’s such bliss in this togetherness.

The kiss grows hungrier, devouring, all consuming. This kiss is for all the hours they were parted by sleep, both caught in separate dreams longing to get back to this, now making up for lost time, an admission that apart is unbearable. 

Eventually they come up for air but only because they have to and they pull apart, gasping for breath and laughing, struck by their own intensity and overjoyed by it.

Ben leans over for his glasses and Callum smooths his hand along his outstretched arm and back to his chest. Ben turns to look at him properly and there he is, swollen shining lips and rosy cheeks so bright that Ben can pick them out even in the dwindling light.

“Good evening.” 

Callum breaks out into a huge smile. “Hey. Look at you,” he says and strokes Ben’s face with his knuckles. “I wish I didn’t have to say this but I’m desperate for a wee.”

“Go on, then!” 

Callum bounces out of bed and Ben leans over and puts the lamp on so he can walk him watch away. He turns in the doorway to look at Ben and whatever he sees, he falls against the doorframe and rests for a moment to really take it in and a smile grows on his face that reaches his eyes and makes them sparkle. 

When he returns he pokes his head into the room but doesn’t come in, like he knows he won't be able to drag himself away from Ben if he crosses the threshold.

“Can I borrow a towel?”

“‘Course. Gimme a minute.” 

Ben goes for a piss and to find him a towel and finds himself shaking and moving fast, slipping into a kind of frenzy to get back to Callum. He should try to get a hold of himself, he knows that, but he doesn’t want to. He’s so tired of fighting himself. 

He calls Callum to the bathroom and they brush their teeth together, elbow to elbow. This is becoming a ritual of sorts, a snapshot of domestic bliss when they're spitting into the sink together. 

Callum shuts off the tap. “You shouldn’t let the water run the whole time.”

Ben rolls his eyes in the mirror and Callum playfully jabs him in the ribs and it feels like a scene in a movie, a moment too mundanely perfect to exist in real life.

When they’re done, he leaves Callum in the bathroom, as much as he’d love to be under the water with him, he doesn’t want to push. As he walks along the hall he pulls Callum’s shirt over his face to breathe him in then jumps back into bed and face plants into the pillow to further inhale their intermingled scent. He silently berates himself as he drags himself upright, he never meant to let himself fall this far this fast. 

He sees Callum’s bag on the floor and leans off the bed to open it with one hand. It’s just clothes and deodorant but the thought of him quickly packing to stay the night makes him clutch his chest. Knowing it’ll disappoint he decides to switch into his contacts regardless, it makes him feel a bit more himself, a bit more the Ben who doesn’t swoon at someone’s backpack full of clothes.

Callum jogs back into the bedroom and closes the door. “It’s chilly! Where can I hang my towel?"

"Just drop it on the floor."

He tuts. "No."

"Alright, pass it 'ere."

Callum passes it over as he slides into bed and Ben chucks the towel on the floor. 

"Shoulda seen that coming."

He shudders and shakes his limbs out and settles down under the covers, glistening and soft, his damp hair sticking to his face, smelling sweetly of coconut. 

“I feel overdressed now!” Ben says, whipping off his shirt and is rewarded with one of Callum’s thunderous belly laughs. He strokes Callum’s hair away from his forehead and kisses him softly there. “Anyone ever tell you you’re gorgeous?”

“Yeah. You.”

Callum brushes his fingers over the freckles on Ben’s shoulders.

For a moment they just watch each other. Ben traces the shell of Callum’s ear and then the turn up in his chin, the line of his nose, the gentle contour of his jaw. Kissing him then, he feels Callum’s cool skin start to warm under his touch and the simplicity of that, of Ben’s body heat seeping into Callum, is at odds with his long held belief that he is cold and bitter and toxic - that he is good for nothing. 

Callum takes him and rolls him onto his back and runs the pad of his thumb across his lips. 

If there was ever a time to tell him, it would be now but instead, he blurts out, "Do you wanna get some food?" 

"What?"

"Food?"

Callum drags his eyes away from Ben's shoulder to his face. "Yeah, Chinese?"

Ben nods and reaches for his phone. "Shit, I missed so many calls and texts."

"I was worried but then I saw you."

Ben freezes. "Saw me?"

"Yeah, I decided to go see if you were at the Arches or the car lot and I saw you sat in a car with Tubbs. I wasn't worried after that so I stopped trying to get hold of ya."

"Oh right. Me and Tubbs, it was just work."

"Thought this was a no talking weekend," Callum says, prodding Ben. "Just delete them texts, it don't matter now." Callum flops down next to him and snuggles in close. "Get the menu up."

“Go on then, Chef, what we getting?”

“Do you like meat-- no, don’t, don’t answer that.” Callum giggles and grabs Ben’s phone and puts together an order. Ben doesn’t care what it is, nods along to everything because actually the heat of his body and his enthusiasm are all he can focus on right now. “Forty minutes.”

“Hmm.. what do you wanna do for forty minutes? I’ve got Scrabble or…”

“Or…” 

Callum turns his head and shines his bright luminous smile on Ben, he’s so happy, so full of barely contained joy. Ben wants to let go and feel it too. He is happy, he is, happier than he’s ever-- He turns into Callum’s chest and tilts his face for a kiss and is kissed without hesitation. Callum, as he often does, hums happily and smiles into the kiss even as he slides a hand down Ben’s body, the juxtaposition of lascivious hands and his delicate kiss makes Ben lightheaded.

It's like a fairytale, kissing Callum, it's as if they're under a spell, bewitched by each other's mouths even as everything turns to ashes around them and the real world fades away. He’d kiss Callum into oblivion if he could. 

Bodies come together easy and warm, like gentle waves washing in and out together but never breaking. It's not sex, it's something else, it's the ecstasy of holding and being held, unabashed and unashamed. 

Everything feels choreographed and meant to be; sliding his foot along the muscle of Callum’s calf, his fingers finding out the dip of his back, the glide of their tongues. There’s no end, there’s no finish and stop just touch and hold and clasp and rolling ecstasy.

And the entire time, on the tip of his tongue, swallowed and regurgitated over and over is _I’m in love with you_. 

Callum pulls away and a line of spit still connects them.

“Door.” Lacking his lips, Ben leans back in. “No. Door.”

Ben hears the pounding on the door and tries to understand. Door. Takeaway. Go downstairs. Fuck. 

“Right-O.” Callum giggles and mutters, _Right-O_. Bastard. Stumbling to his feet, Ben tries to orientate himself, this isn’t what his body is for anymore and he can't remember what to do next. Another bang on the door. “Alright, alright!” he yells.

He swipes Callum’s jumper off the floor and pulls it on and has the presence of mind to grab his phone to check in private now he’s faced all the missed texts and calls.

“You-- you can’t!”

“Can’t… get our food?”

“Can’t answer the door like that!”

Ben lifts Callum’s jumper up at the back to flash him. “Don’t worry, babe, only you get to see the goods.”

“Ben!”

The delivery driver is rightfully pissed off when Ben opens the door, half hidden behind it because yeah, you can't answer the door like that. 

Ben takes the bag into the kitchen and the bright light and garish yellow walls make him cringe.

His phone buzzes on the countertop. 

A text from Callum, _Bring drinks_!

_Are you texting me from upstairs?_

No reply but then Callum bellows, "Bring drinks!" 

_Alright keep your knickers on. Or don't._

He hears him laugh and has to pull out a chair at the kitchen table to sit down and try to gather himself again. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. 

He goes about plating up the food and puts it together on a tray, grabs the drinks and heads up the stairs and is met with Callum’s huge, sunshine grin. 

"Did you remember the drinks?" Ben swivels to reveal two bottles of Coke tucked in the crook of his arm.

Ben cracks open his bottle, drinks off the top and pours a shot of whiskey in. He motions to offer Callum the same but he shakes his head, no.

“I’ve never eaten dinner naked in bed," Callum says.

Ben slowly slips Callum’s jumper off and throws it. “With a really fit bloke.” 

“Well, that bit goes without saying.” Callum takes a mouthful of food. “You’re really fit, I didn’t mean--”

Ben covers his mouth with his hand and presses a kiss against his forehead. 

Climbing under the covers, he turns on the TV and flicks around until he lands on a gameshow, just something for background noise because his heart is beating so hard he's scared Callum might hear it. 

He thought he’d be immune to this, this isn’t new for him like it is for Callum but he can't even taste the food let alone concentrate on the TV. A long, cold drink rushes through his veins and he feels a sense of calm until he notices Callum watching him, his eyes fixed on his throat as he swallows. 

“Like what you see?”

“No, I--” his brow knits and laughs in disbelief. “I mean, yeah. Yes. Obviously.” He clears his throat. “Do you like it?”

“Um.. yeah. I mean, this is what I was dreaming of, innit? You looking at me like that.” He laughs nervously.

“Oh, I meant the pork. But that’s.” He ducks his head and Ben notices a pink flush creeping over his shoulders and up into his face.

"Yeah, it's nice."

Ben turns his attention back to the TV. He doesn’t know what he thinks of the pork, he doesn’t know what he thinks of anything anymore apart from one thing, the only thing he can’t say out loud. Callum presses his knee against Ben’s and his heart soars and something loud roars in his ears and sparkles bright in his eyes like the flare from a camera flash. 

It feels like such a laddish thing to do, sitting with bare chests and food on their laps but somehow it’s unbearably lovely in so many unexpected ways. It’s a silent confession that neither of them wants to get out of bed. It’s the things kids do and they didn’t get to do. It’s stupid fun that Ben’s never had and he reckons Callum hasn’t either despite what everyone thinks about him.

Callum says something and then yells it and Ben realises he’s addressing the TV. It’s unclear how he does this, how he relaxes into situations that he should be just as lost in as Ben, maybe even more so. Ben worries he's just trying to please him, just trying to put him at ease but if it is that then he doesn't want to hear it out loud so he doesn't ask.

Ben finishes his food, an automaton going through the motions and Callum collects up the debris onto a tray and slides it onto the chest of drawers, all neat and tidy. 

He crawls over to Ben's side of the bed and draws him into his arms to rest him against his chest and stroke his hair. 

“This is nice, innit?” Ben asks to gauge where Callum is.

“Perfect.”

Time stretches on, fluid and meaningless. At first, Callum’s arms around him feel claustrophobic but there’s a shift somewhere along the way and Ben only feels comfort. This casual intimacy could become addictive, even more so than the sex. It’s his internal clock that shakes him into reality as he suddenly becomes aware, somehow, that it’s Lexi’s bedtime.

“I wanna call Lex to say goodnight.” 

Callum squeezes him tight and then lets go. “You’re such a good dad,” he says in a dreamy voice like his vision of Ben the Good Dad is part of the reason he likes him. He wants to tell him that he’s not but he's tried that before and he knows that Callum, who only sees the good in people, would never hear it. 

Ben puts on the jogging bottoms he brought with him and slips into his sister’s old room with his phone in hand and takes a few painfully deep breaths before calling Lola. 

She answers on the third ring, “Hiya, hang on.” He hears a loud kissing sound and lots of ruffling, she’s tucking Lexi into bed. He clutches his phone with both hands. _Daddy’s on the phone_ , she says in a singsong voice. “You’re on speakerphone!”

“Goodnight, baby. Sleep well and sweet dreams.”

“Where are you?”

He looks around like the room can give him an answer. “I’m at Grandad’s with Callum. I’ll see you on Monday for tea, alright?”

“Alright. I miss you.”

“Miss you, too.”

She tells him she loves him and he tells her he loves her to the moon and back and his heart breaks for a brief moment when Lola hangs up.

He stands feeling lost and torn in the empty room but then his phone buzzes. 

_You not in a fit state for facetime then?_ 😂

 _Piss off_ 😂

_Dont tell me to piss off i’m happy for yous!! Xx_

He stares at his phone and replies, eventually, with: _Love ya, Lo x_ because he has to say it over and over now until it’s off his chest so he doesn’t accidentally let it slip later in the night. 

When he goes into the bedroom, Callum isn’t there but he’s sure he's somewhere in the house and he wanders downstairs to find him. The panic is still there but it’s more distant. He tells himself over and over to trust. To try to trust.

He finds Callum standing at the kitchen sink in his boxer shorts, jumper and white crew socks. He’s doing the fucking washing up.

“Stop!”

Callum jumps hard and Ben instantly regrets shouting. “Nah, dinner was your shout, least I can do is clean up.”

Ben walks up behind him and holds him around the waist. “You have got to stop looking after everyone else and start enjoying yourself.”

“I am enjoying myself. I enjoy looking after you.”

Ben has an idea. That’s it, isn't it? What Callum just said is the answer. 

“Alright then. Finish up. See ya in a bit.”

Callum looks perplexed and grabs Ben’s arm with wet soapy hands when he turns to walk away. Looking up at him is a mistake because Ben finds himself being kissed, Callum’s wet hands a cold thrill on bare skin. He thinks of backing him into the kitchen table, of opening up for him, his plan so easily forgotten when Callum takes hold of him.

Callum pushes him backwards, “Right, see ya, gotta get on.” 

“Oh, you bastard!" Ben sputters.

Callum turns back to the sink and nonchalantly bursts into the most enthusiastic rendition of _500 Miles_ that Ben has ever heard, which is really saying something. It’s loud enough that he’s sure the entire Square will get to enjoy it but Callum seems to be singing just because he can, because he knows he won’t be judged or laughed at here, because they’re finally alone and he can be himself. Because maybe, like Ben, he feels so full of happiness that he has to find some release for it or he’ll burst. 

Ben turns in the dark hallway to watch him for a moment and finds himself fidgeting nervously, the way he used to when this was still just a crush. Everything was easier when this meant less, now he’s defenceless, now he’s terrified. But then there are moments like this that make Ben think maybe it’s all worth it. 

He goes upstairs to sort out the bedroom and starts by opening the windows to clear out the smell of takeaway and sex and then he re-makes the bed and tries to think what Callum would do. He experimentally puts the lamp on the floor and the low light helps to make his harsh grey and black bedroom look a bit softer. _Candles_. He raids his sister’s room, rifling through the stuff she left behind until he finds a vanilla scented jar candle. Vanilla, fuck that’s so boring, since when was she so boring? Maybe that’s what being in love does to you. He lights it regardless and puts it on the bedside table. 

“Knock knock.” Callum says at the door.

“Who’s there?”

“Kiss.”

“Oh my fucking God. Kiss who?” Callum points at himself with both thumbs. 

“Fuck's sake, come here.” Callum crosses the room and Ben dodges him when he leans in and pushes him down on the bed instead. “Tonight is about you.”

“It is?” Ben sits astride his chest and pins his wrists at his sides and nods, slowly. “Oh, like that, ey? Candles and mood lighting--"

Ben starts to feel self conscious. "Forget all that," he grips his wrists even tighter, "Like I said, tonight's _all_ about you."

"In that case… Ben, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.” _No_.

“What did you say? To the widow?”

Ben makes sure he has Callum’s full attention. “I told her I weren’t intimidated.”

Callum licks his lips. “How’d you say it?”

Ah, so they’re playing this game. How long has been sitting on this? He slips his hand under Callum’s jumper and draws shapes across the span of his chest. “I’m sorry,” he leans forward and looks Callum up and down, “I think you’re mistaking me for someone who scares easily.” 

“You ain’t scared of people like that,” he says it in a small, lost voice.

“Nah. I _am_ people like that.” Callum shakes his head but he can’t tear his eyes away from Ben. So, which is it? Ben kneels up and runs his hand inside his waistband. "Tell me what you want."

Callum falters and the atmosphere between them glitches. 

"I err…" he reaches up for Ben and tries to roll him over. 

"Stop. When was the last time you ever told someone what you want?"

"All the time!"

"Alright then. Tell me what you want."

He coughs out a nervous laugh. "To be with you."

"Ding! We can check that one off. What else?"

He wrenches his hands free so he can sit up and runs his fingers through his hair only for it to fall back across his forehead. His gaze lights on Ben's bare chest and he seems to forget what he was going to say as he looks over every inch of him, like he's taking inventory of every freckle and scar. He holds out his hands and places them very deliberately just beneath Ben's ribcage and seems pleased with how his fingers fit against his body. 

"I find it easy, easier, to be in control. Nah, not easier. Safer maybe." 

Ben rests his hands on Callum's arms. "I don't want you to feel unsafe."

"I know and I don't." He thinks for a moment, lips parted and eyes narrowed, Ben wants to kiss him but he's being held fast. "I think I need the other Ben. The one who wouldn't ask. I don't want you to be all Mr. Nice Guy."

"You just know with me, you - I don’t know how - you just know what I want.”

"You ever think that actually we just want the same things?"

"Last night, you…" Ben gropes around for the words, "that's what you wanted too?”

"I couldn't stop thinking about taking you and holding you down and--" He stops himself. "And-- and.. Maybe I wanna know what it's like on the other side. Like that night in the car. Not, not all the way, I ain't ready, not yet."

Ben feels his way up to Callum's biceps and squeezes. "I'm done talking." Callum swallows hard and nods with big puppy dog eyes. Ben steps back off the bed and out of Callum's hands. "Get on your knees." Ben walks to the other side of the bed behind Callum. "Take your jumper off."

Callum pulls his jumper over his head and holds it for a moment before he drops it. "Done."

"Good boy," Ben purrs in his ear. He settles behind Callum on his knees as well and kisses his neck, biting sucking kisses that adorn Callum’s skin with goosebumps and delicate welts. Ben slips his arms under Callum's. "Hands behind your back."

Callum links his hands together between their bodies. Ben rests his face against Callum's arm and runs his hands across the planes of his chest. Callum holds rigid. He dips his fingers into Callum’s belly button then follows the trail of hair down to the elastic of his boxer shorts. His chest is still, he's not even breathing. Ben tickles his sides to get him out of himself and Callum falls back against him, knowing he’ll be caught. It’s only when he’s huffing out a laugh and Ben can see the rise and fall of his belly that he begins. 

Using his palms he rubs over Callum’s nipples, working the heels of his hands to press deep. It occurs to him that he should have grabbed the full length mirror so Callum could see himself and Ben could watch his reactions but maybe it’s too soon for that, it’s just that he wants Callum to see himself as he does. Slowly he draws spirals on his chest with the lightest touch getting closer and closer to the tender skin surrounding his nipples and then out again; creating ripples around where he knows he really wants to be touched. 

When his fingertips find the peak of Callum's nipple, he convulses and shuffles his knees further apart and Ben is overcome with what he said, that he wasn't ready to go all the way yet, that maybe they'd get there some day. He peeps at Callum's spread legs and gasps to catch his breath. 

Ben uses his thumb to flick and then squeezes his nipples between his fingers before twisting sharply as hard as he can to make Callum cry out. He tries not to let his mind drift but he can't help it, fuck he wishes he could strip away Callum's shorts and fuck him from behind just like this.

He has to stop, he has to focus on what's in front of him now because it's beautiful. Staring at Callum's back leads Ben to notice things he hadn't before, the veins and sinews that stand out in his neck, the way his body rises and falls, in the end he gets so caught up in watching his shoulder blades move under his skin that he doesn’t catch onto Callum unhooking his hands and reaching for his dick until it’s almost too late.

Ben makes a loud noise in the back of his throat and Callum returns his hands into position and straightens his back. “Hands behind your back.”

“Understood.”

Still using his fingers to twist and tug his nipples, Ben rests his face against Callum's arm to look him over and sees a wet patch spreading across his underwear and his dick straining and bobbing. He sinks his teeth into Callum’s shoulder as he pulls on his nipples and he starts to buck his hips, lost and out of control.

Callum moans loud, louder than Ben's ever heard him, like something has cleared or shifted and he's found his voice and the bed shakes as he wrestles to free his hands as if they were handcuffed and not just held behind his back; it speaks to the respect he has for Ben or maybe just a compulsion to stick to the rules. Either way it’s hot as fuck.

Sliding his arms away, Ben guides Callum onto his back and he looks up at him with wide, blown eyes. He's coming apart at the seams. Ben cups his face and strokes his hair and kisses his jaw; small acts of adoration at odds with the scene but he can’t resist. 

Turning his attention to Callum's boxer shorts, Ben slowly, _carefully_ peels them away and slips them off. With Callum's eyes fixed on him, he lifts the shorts to his face and inhales them and the intoxicating, musky smell rushes straight to his dick, awakens his own need and he reaches under his waistband to stroke himself to relieve some of the pressure. 

Naked in crew socks with soft, freshly washed hair and rosy cheeks is definitely Callum's best look but despite that he starts to fold in on himself, self conscious, maybe. 

"You should see you," Ben rolls Callum's nipples in between his fingers, "I don't think you know how gorgeous you are. First time I saw ya, I couldn't get you out of my head. I couldn't stop thinking about the tall fit bloke with the great arse and thighs I wanted to be smothered between." 

Callum unfolds and stretches out. 

"First time I saw you in your suit," Ben continues, "Not gonna lie, I was taking mental pictures for when I was alone. I couldn't stop thinking about you." Ben circles his nipples and pinches hard and he throws back his head as a long glob of precum slides along the length of his dick. He's barely registering anything, Ben can slip in a truth. "Don't think an hour's gone by since I met ya where I haven't thought about you."

Ben leans over him to suck his nipple and Callum claps one big hand onto the back of his neck to hold him in place and Ben loves being held down and wants to lose himself in it but stays present because this is about Callum. This is for him.

He uses his hand to massage Callum's chest. This can go one of two ways now, he's on the edge so Ben can take him all the way or push him further, further than he's been so far. He did say he wanted to know what it was like on the other side. 

Ben sits back and grabs a handful of Callum's hair to get his attention which doesn’t work, it only serves to make him slip further.

“Callum,” he barks. That works. His good little soldier even squares his shoulders.

"Last night I went home before I came here. I wanted to get some _things_ ," Ben says, elongating every syllable as far as it'll go without snapping. "It was in case I had to do it myself but luckily you stepped in. Do you want to know what I have for you in my bag of tricks?"

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

Callum sucks on his bottom lip and stares at Ben with intense eyes. "Yes please. Please." Fuck, that’ll do.

Ben puts his bag on the end of the bed and roots through it and when he finds what he's looking for he looks up at Callum and he nods, eager and ready. 

"Close your eyes."

Callum screws his eyes shut, obedient to a fault. Ben holds the thing behind his back and kneels between Callum's parted legs. 

"Open your eyes." Callum looks up at him. "If this ain't your thing, you have to tell me. You have to." 

"I will."

"If you do want to try this, you have to tell me if you want to stop."

"I will," he says it like a vow.

Ben brings out a pair of nipple clamps joined with a chain from behind his back. 

"I seen the way you arch your back when I make it hurt and I thought…"

"Yes, yes. I want." He gulps hard, his Adam's Apple sinking and rising in his throat. "Yes please."

"Good boy."

Ben starts on the nipple he responds less fiercely to first, placing the clamp and letting it close slowly, metal teeth sinking into delicate flesh. 

Callum covers his face with his hands and Ben watches him, intrigued more than concerned. 

"More," he moans. 

Ben smacks his hand hard over Callum's more sensitive nipple and his hands fly from his face. "Fuck, fuck, do it again."

Ben brings his hand down, palm flat and smiles at the satisfying crack of skin on skin. Callum shouts something incomprehensible and his dick bounces and spews another thick spurt of precum. Ben waves the clamp and clicks it a few times and can't control his grin at the look on Callum's face. 

As he attaches it in place, Callum's eyes roll back so far in his head that Ben wonders if he'll ever get him back from this. His hands ball into fists and he pounds the bed before going still, mouth shining and fallen open. Oh well, Ben supposes there are worse ways to go.

Ben walks his fingers along the chain until there's some tension along it and that's all it takes to have Callum thrusting his hips and moaning low and long. 

"What shall we do about…" Ben grabs Callum's dick, " _this_?"

Callum whines through gritted teeth. "Your hand," he gasps, "your ring." 

Ben opens his mouth to ask him for clarification, is he asking for something or asking him to stop? He switches hands and strokes his fist along the length of Callum's dick. "Like this?"

"Yeah. Oh. I mean… I mean... Yes _please_."

He bumps his ring over the ridge of the head of Callum's dick and he makes that sobbing sound that Ben loves. He wouldn't have put his money on a sloppy handjob being his fantasy but he's happy to oblige. 

He works his fist up and down up and down, transfixed by Callum. When he moves his hand away to reach for the lube, Callum lifts his hips, like an offering. Ben drops a little lube into his palm and starts again, pressing his knee between Callum's legs to nudge his tight balls and keep him from relaxing his body back down onto the bed. 

Callum moves in ways that are inconceivably beautiful, his wrist gives and his fingers wind, his every movement a mesmerising act of involuntary grace. 

Ben could watch him all night long, he's not even thinking about his own need. He knows how to take him close and bring him back but the strain in Callum's muscles and the sweat running across his brow tells him he's getting desperate and he decides to be kind. 

Ben keeps working his ring into the Callum's dick, uses the now near constant stream of precum to press the metal into the shaft, makes sure to hit the ridge every time then uses the edge to scrape over the head and down. 

Callum seizes and thrashes and his fingers seek out the chain of the clamps and pulls with a precision that Ben didn't know he possessed. 

Ben takes a fistful of his hair and yanks and the noise Callum makes tells him he likes this. He keeps him here for a while, jerking his dick with his hand in his hair and Callum's fingers working the chain of the clamps like a musical instrument. He's completely Ben's, so trusting, so willing to fall.

"Come on, darling,” he says, his voice velvet, dripping, “come for me. You can do it, baby. Let it all out."

Callum yells out and spills hot streams of cum over Ben's hand and Ben actually feels proud of Callum and of himself. Ben doesn’t relent, pumping his fist even as Callum’s entire body shakes and shudders and turns pink with the effort of his orgasm.

Ben’s name pours from his lips like a prayer, he says it a hundred times, maybe more until it doesn’t even sound like language anymore.

Ben lets go of his hair and pulls on the chain and a final jet of cum shoots onto his stomach, it’s the most beautiful thing Ben has ever seen. "Mm that's it, babe, so good,” he encourages.

Callum grabs Ben's wrist to stop his hand and holds him bone crushingly tight. He lifts his head and looks at Ben with misty eyes and then glances down at his chest and whimpers. 

Ben traces the chain with his fingertip and Callum’s dick twitches. "I can't… I…"

"Like how it looks?" His face turns an even deeper shade of red. "So do I." Ben carefully removes the clamp and dangles them in the air. "You can have this, I never was man enough to handle 'em."

He drops them onto the bed and falls to licking Callum's stomach clean and runs his tongue across his nipples just to make him jump. He kisses him then, his tongue still heavy with his cum for him to taste himself and presses his hard dick against Callum's hip to try and get some relief but really he enjoys the pain of it.

When he pulls away, Callum looks along his own chest and then retreats inside himself, quickly shutting down. Ben strokes his hair and a few stray damp broken strands stick to his hand and he stops to look at them, self amazed at his own power. 

He does this, he takes things apart knowing full well he doesn't know how to put them back together. Shit. He glances at the clamps and feels a cold chill.

"Think I'll pop these in here for now," Ben says, leaning over to put the clamps in his bedside drawer. "Come here," he manoeuvres Callum until he has the duvet free and bundles him up in it. Callum always does that, always cosies him up and holds him close. _Always_ , as if this hasn't just been a couple of weeks. He shouldn't have let them get this far so fast. Nobody goes this fast. 

His eyes snap up to Callum, his face is unreadable so Ben strokes his face in the hope that it's of comfort to him.

"I just need a sec," Callum mumbles and then seems to pass out. 

Ben watches him, he looks so peaceful. He tries to think of something to make himself feel better, a lifetime spent telling stupid jokes to deflect and feel better has to come good eventually. Trust him to find a stereotypical bloke who rolls over and falls asleep as soon as he's done. He smiles to himself. It's not like he can blame him though. Maybe he's alright after all. He drags his hand across his face. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Ben pets him, tenderly then smooths his hair off his face and brushes away the dried tracks of tears shed in exertion. 

"Were you watching me?"

Ben startles at the sound of Callum's voice. It can't have been more than, what? Ten minutes? Twenty? He realises he has no idea. "Can't take my eyes off ya, can I?"

"Mm… Me neither," Callum says, stretching out his back and limbs like a cat. 

Callum sits up, pillows propped behind and sticks his legs out of the covers and hauls Ben along until he's sitting with his back against Callum's chest in between his legs.

"Why does this feel so good?"

Callum wraps him up his arms and sways him. "Dunno, but I could stay like this forever."

The press of their bodies is a kind of reassurance Ben didn’t know he needed until he felt it. Callum touches him gently and everywhere like he’s reclaiming Ben as his territory, planting his flag having just been so willing to surrender. It's clear what he's doing, he hasn't flipped the switch, he didn't have to wrest back control. Callum's looking after him, keeping himself awake, dragging himself back from the other side to make them even. He's a shitty person for letting this happen, he knows that, but he doesn't want it to stop.

Callum moves his fingers over Ben's throat. "What's this about?" 

"It's about you,” Ben replies.

Callum doesn't answer but he draws his knees up.

His hand covers Ben's belly and then he slides it lower and strokes his dick and Ben looks down at how his dick grows with his long fingers wrapped around the length until he's fully hard. 

"There now," he whispers. 

Ben wriggles closer, wanting to feel his heat, wanting to become part of it. There's a spitting sound and then his hand comes back wet.

"What's that about?" Ben parrots breathlessly.

"Feels better, don't it? Not like I could carry lube in the army."

"Ugh I wish I'd been there with ya."

"You wouldn't get in with your record."

Ben bites back a laugh. Yeah, murder tends to close a lot of doors. "Hypothetically, babe. Can you just let me imagine walking in on you wanking off in your uniform without giving me a reality check?"

"God.." 

Callum tightens his grip slightly, on his throat not his dick, and Ben can't remember what he was laughing about. He hooks his leg under Callum's and is held there and starts to give in and give over. This is the power they hold for each other. His eyes fall closed. He's close, heat already spilling out from his belly. 

Callum is slow, deliberate. For someone he once saw snort beer out of his nose and then fall off his stool long before last call, he really knows how to make a boy want to start begging. 

Ben imagines him, in his uniform, his spit slick hand moving and coiling up and down his dick, his body tense, on watch for him as he builds and builds. Ben's mind drifts, maybe in another life he'd have been the 18 year old rookie dropping to his knees for Callum. Maybe he could've been his beloved waiting for him to come back on leave. Maybe he would've saved him then, if he’d got to him before some of it happened. 

Words are Callum's trigger, a firm hand is Ben's. Callum keeps his hand around his throat and twists the other around his dick and Ben can only choke out little _ahs_ and broken _fucks_ as the feeling builds and builds until his hands go numb and his vision whites out.

"I was thinking 'bout you in uniform," he says when he can talk again. It's a cover. He was, yeah, but it's not why he came like that, it's not why he can't bear to turn and look at Callum now.

"I reckoned as much from the way you was goin' on." Callum taps him under the chin. 

Ben rests against Callum and they sink down together as far as they can. 

"The last time I was slumped in between your legs I'd just been shot. This is--"

"--nicer, I hope!" 

Ben rubs Callum's thighs, suddenly agitated. "I wanted to look after you tonight, I wanted to give you something you hadn't had."

"You do that every time we're together," Callum ruffles his hair, "Not gonna lie though, I could get used to No More Mr Nice Guy Ben and.." he yawns, "and his bag of tricks." 

He knows he’s joking but it cuts him up all the same. "You make it sound like I'm two different blokes!"

"Mm.. well, we all are, ain't we? I'm starting to think that's the exciting thing about being with someone you can be yourself with. You know we can..." he yawns again, it's contagious and Ben finds himself yawning too. "I've forgot what I was saying.

"We can show all our different sides?"

"Yeah! And mess around and let go and.. and…"

"Not be judged."

"Right. People always wanna know why you like something or why you're being so this or so that, ya know?" Ben nods but he's not really following. "And with you, you tell me what you want and I show you what I'm into and there's no questioning it. It's just easy."

"Don't think anyone's ever described being with me as _easy_ before."

Callum chuckles warmly and presses a kiss against Ben’s temple. "We've both had our moments."

"Last night, I.. I made a total fucking idiot of myself back at yours."

"Miscommunication, that's all. I've told ya, you just need to try to take what I'm saying at face value." 

"I thought I'd fucked it all up,” Ben admits.

"So did I when we were at the Albert and I burped in your face. What did you tell me? I don't scare that easy."

"Not exactly the same thing, is it, babe?"

"Come on, Ben, let's not pretend you ain't seen me at my worst. Who isn't a bit messed up, ey?"

Ben groans and snuggles closer against Callum who reciprocates by squeezing him tightly. "Oh, I long for the days when I was just a bit messed up."

"Okay so, you look after me and I'll look after you, yeah?" 

"How long are you gonna keep me in suspense for anyway? Did you feel looked after tonight?"

"I thought I already said? Yes. Obviously, yes. You err… you really took your time."

"You were fucking flawless. Are your nipples sore?"

"Yeah, it kinda chafes having you sitting against me like this."

"Shit, sorry.”

Ben tries to wriggle away but Callum locks his arms so he can’t move and when he stills, Callum drums his fingers against Ben's ribs and starts and discards a sentence at least five times before he finally says, "I never said it hurt in a…" he lowers his voice to a whisper, "I never said it hurt in a bad way." 

"So, you like it on the other side then?"

"I don't see it like that anymore. It ain't two different sides, it's just about letting go. I let go last night, I err…” he laughs nervously, “I let myself get lost in you. And I did it again tonight. Both times were amazing."

"What about what you said about it being safer to be in control?"

"That's still true, innit? But where's the fun in that?"

Ben shuffles around to look at Callum. "But I was in control tonight and I had fun."

"Were ya? You didn't seem like you was in your head at all, I saw that smile on your face when you was-- was torturing me."

"Torturing?! I watched you cum buckets!" 

"God, Ben, buckets?" Ben shrugs. "Alright, poor choice of words. I'm just sayin’, I got it wrong when I asked for the Ben who I left in the parlour to deal with the widow. I.. I get it, he has to be in control, he has to be in his head. But you don't have to bring that in here, you can just be you." 

"So you're saying I may have to be Hannah out in the world but I can be Miley when I'm alone with you."

"Huh?"

"You haven't seen Hannah Montana?" Callum shakes his head, no. "I don't wanna spoil it for you but you are in for a treat." Ben rests his head against Callum's chest. "Letting go, I don't do that usually." 

"That makes two of us."

Callum interlaces their fingers and Ben looks down at their hands, fixated. How can something so simple as the sight of their hands fill him with so much hope?

“You make it look so easy.”

"No, Ben, you make it easy."

He turns and looks into Callum's face, "So do you."

"That's gotta be a good sign, don't it? That it's easy, at least when we’re, you know."

Ben can't remember what he's talking about, it's been years since he felt this kind of bone tired but he nods anyway, he likes the idea of something being a good sign to Callum, whatever it is.

There's a beat where they just look at each other before Ben breaks out into another yawn and then Callum starts to shift.

"Right, we could talk all day but we should sleep if we're gonna make the most of our last night. I'm gonna go brush my teeth."

He pushes Ben away with a deep groan Ben sits up to let him past. He looks around the floor for something to wear and Ben knows telling him he doesn't need clothes would be pointless so he just watches him and enjoys drinking him in instead. He holds up a finger, a proper little lightbulb moment and pulls on Ben's jogging bottoms.

"Ain't as cute the other way round, is it?" 

Not cute in the slightest, hot as fuck, actually. "Bend over for me." Ben says putting the lamp on. 

Incredulous but unwaveringly good natured, Callum turns around and stretches up, fingers pointed to the ceiling then folds over at the waist to touch his toes. Fuck, Ben may be spent and knackered but he still feels a stirring looking at him. 

He stands back upright. "Show's over."

Ben claps wildly, "Five stars, bravo!" 

"You’ll wake the neighbours!” Callum hisses.

“Aw who gives a shit.”

Callum smiles soppy sweet, like he finds even this side of Ben endearing. “You make me believe it, you know.”

"What?"

"That I'm.. alright." He ducks his head.

"You ain't alright, I'm sorry I've led you to believe that. No, you are gorgeous, funny, smart, intuitive, so sweet." 

Callum hides his face. "Stop! I'm gonna go brush my teeth."

Ben pulls on Callum's jumper and follows him out of the room digging his fingers into Callum's bare torso. "Good with your hands, voice of an angel, tall, perfect dick--"

Callum swings around. "Where's your off switch?"

"Mmm.. you're more than welcome to search for it."

Callum spins Ben around, encircles his waist and lifts him up a good foot off the ground and rattles him like he doesn't weigh a thing. "Seriously, where is it?"

"Put me down! You're so strong! Tall and strong and--"

Callum drops him and shoves him against the wall with a thud and kisses him with his hands tenderly cradling his face. The perfect mix of rough and tender that makes Ben melt into the wall.

When he pulls away Ben hovers and waits for more. "Huh, guess I found it."

"Found what?" 

"Your off switch."

Callum walks into the bathroom without even a backward glance at Ben and closes the door. 

Ben hugs himself and breathes in Callum's smell and touches his mouth and feels the stubble burn on his face. That’s not his off switch, he isn’t even lost for words, it's the opposite, actually, he's full to the brim of everything; words, feelings, proclamations and declarations, love.

The bathroom door swings open and Callum waggles Ben's toothbrush. "Come on!" 

Ben walks towards the light still holding himself until he finds his way against Callum. 

He leans then, his full weight against Callum's body and sighs when Callum puts his big arms around him and holds him tight. 

"I'm here," Ben says quietly and then, much louder this time, he says it again, “I'm here." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I can't believe how long this chapter got! 
> 
> Chapter 10: to be made out of nothing but your voice
> 
> It's Ben and Callum's last night alone in the Mitchell house and Ben doesn't want it to end.
> 
> (We have two more chapters until we're FINALLY out of October just in case anyone was wondering!!)
> 
> P.S I'm going to update a night to himself with a Ben chapter hopefully this weekend so look out for that if you're into that kinda thing 😇


	10. 27th October 2019 (interlude)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Sunday morning but Ben and Callum don't want to fall asleep just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No chapter this week. I'm fine but I'm feeling very tired so I thought what better than to write a little continuation of the last chapter in which Ben is fighting to stay awake to have more time with Callum. This is full of the melodrama and big feelings that come with being exhausted (even happily so). 
> 
> No smut this time, they're much too tired for any of that!

_ **Sunday, 27th October, sometime early** _

Ben has spent countless mornings staring at this bedroom ceiling, making out shapes and faces in the blurry Artex before putting on his glasses. Other people lay on their backs in hot grass and look for creatures in fluffy clouds but for the longest time Ben was alone, seeing things that weren’t there. Always making something out of nothing, getting his hopes up time and time again, breaking his own heart. 

This morning he looks down instead of up and sees the dark mass of Callum’s hair and his shoulder blades illuminated and shining in the white light of early morning. Ben follows the line of his shoulders with his fingertips and lets the image of the man in his arms go further out of focus because that in itself is a kind of serenity.

Callum nuzzles contentedly against Ben’s chest and hums softly to himself and Ben suspects that he doesn’t know he’s doing it, or that he hears himself but it’s out of his control like a cat’s purr. He traces circles over Ben’s heart and snuggles closer, his gentle sighs washing hot over Ben’s belly. 

It feels like a dream, but not in the way people usually mean when they say that, it doesn’t feel perfect or surreal, it feels prophetic, like maybe Callum curled against his body could be the key to unlocking his whole future if only he knew how to read the signs.

Callum's fingers become more insistent as if he’s looking for a way to open Ben up and blow on the glowing embers of his heart to rekindle the fire there. 

The sunlight makes a harsh bright line in the gap between the curtain pole and the ceiling and Ben has to close his eyes against it. They should have been asleep long ago but Ben won’t concede to fatigue. They’ll call this night time, they’ll call this endless, they'll call this anything but morning; he isn’t ready yet for their last day together.

"Mm... we should eat something," Callum mumbles, speech sleep slurred. 

“Hungry?”

Callum nods and burrows down deeper and winds his arm around Ben, tucking his fingers behind his ribs. Maybe he's actually hungry but maybe he doesn’t want to fall asleep either, maybe he's just as desperate for this night to stretch.

"Ain't got anythin' in, babe. Cereal but no milk. Tea but no milk."

"I could go out and get--"

"--You ain't going nowhere. Nowhere.” _I’d keep us here in this moment for the rest of my life if I could._

Ben outlines Callum’s ear and dips the pad of his thumb into the shell, squeezes his lobe and follows all the lines and back to the start again and again until Callum begins to hum that nothing little tune that Ben could listen to forever. 

"Fritters," Callum says, his voice cracking awake, "We have them banana fritters from our takeaway."

“For breakfast?” 

“For dessert. It’s still late, innit?” 

"Come on then,” Ben says, making no attempt to move. He can’t figure out if he and Callum are yearning for the same thing or if he really hasn’t noticed the light coming in.

"Two more minutes."

Ben makes a noise of agreement and pets Callum’s hair, it’s too tangled to get his fingers through; that’s his fault for pulling it, or it’s Callum’s fault for liking his hair pulled. Or for once it’s nobody’s fault, just a token of what they do to each other.

Ben listens to Callum breathe, sleep steady breath that makes him wonder if he’s slipped through his fingers but then he presses his hand under Ben’s back to hold him even tighter and he realises he’s just calm, completely calm. 

They both are. 

The two minutes stretch until there’s the sound of people outside and the Sunday market coming to life. But it doesn’t matter. They've made a pact to call this Saturday night and so Saturday night it is. 

It’s Callum who makes the first move, lifting himself onto his elbows to look down at Ben, he smiles all dimpled and rosy cheeked, his hair a curtain around his face. 

When he climbs out of bed, Ben rolls over into the warm spot he left behind. 

"Come on, you." 

Callum outstretches his hand and Ben shuffles on his knees to the end of the bed and finds his way into Callum's arms. Neither of them could begin to explain or quantify the feeling that comes with this holding; they’d both approximated it with adjectives, words like _incredible, amazing, wonderful_ but none were accurate. None came close to describing the feeling of safety intermingled with the pure ecstasy of their bodies coming together and the sense of belonging, of _finally, you're here, I've waited so long for this._

It takes time to come apart, to be willing to let go. 

Callum pulls on his boxer shorts and jumper as Ben puts on his glasses and teams his jogging bottoms with Callum's undershirt. They walk downstairs, hand in hand with Callum leading the way. 

Ben never felt at home here, even the promise of an empty house didn’t appeal, preferring to queue for the bathroom at his brother’s than spend time alone in this place. He didn’t want to be somewhere filled with memories of pain and loss under his father’s ever watchful presence. 

Ben hadn’t had a home since he was a little boy or he’d have known that those things would dissipate as soon as Callum walked in through the door. He couldn't have known that Callum would lead him through the dark halls of this house he’d known for years and transform it into a place he’d never been, that he'd walk behind him; awestruck and relieved, at peace here for the first time.

Callum turns when he reaches the hallway and stops Ben on the bottom stair and he just... looks, just stands and looks at him. Ben feels his heart rise in his throat but swallows it just as quickly, he’s beyond wondering what Callum sees and instead he chooses to look as well. He wants to take him in and learn him by heart and count all the different shades of blue in his eyes. He knows how it would sound if he said it out loud but he doesn't care, in this moment he truly doesn't care. 

Callum tilts his face and Ben lets his eyes fall closed and waits for his kiss, a kiss that is unhurried, both of them holding each other around the waist in a gentle embrace. 

A shout from outside makes them both jump and look towards the door but Callum quickly turns back to him and kisses him tenderly, a kiss that feels like a promise.

In the kitchen, Callum sets a pan out on the hob as Ben retrieves the fritters from the fridge. Ben follows Callum like a ghost, not wanting to get in the way but not wanting to drift too far either. When the fritters are sizzling in the pan, Callum turns and captures Ben in his arms and they hold each other in a gentle sway as they wait.

Seeming to get an idea, Callum and motions to the French press and Ben dips into a low cupboard for the bag of coffee and hugs him from behind as he fills the kettle and slips under his arm to cuddle into his side as he scoops out the grounds in the slowest of slow dances.

As Callum turns off the heat on the hob, Ben pulls away to get a couple of plates and mugs and Callum holds onto his t-shirt as if, untethered, he might just float away.

Callum serves up, even finds some powdered sugar to sieve over the fritters which would be a bit much at breakfast but this is dessert. They sit at the table like normal people and neither of them can contain their smiles. 

“Bon appétit,” Callum says softly as if the whole street were still asleep.

Callum cringes as he takes his first sip of black coffee and Ben puts a hand up to stop him. “Promise you won’t judge?”

“You know I won’t.”

Ben opens a drawer and dumps a handful of mini pots of milk onto the table. “Nicked a load of ‘em out of the hotel before I came back here from Newcastle.”

“Why?”

Ben shrugs, “They was right there on a trolley outside my room when I was leaving and I couldn’t help myself.”

“That’s mad!” Callum chuckles to himself and rips the lids off two milks, pouring them in together. 

“Denny asked if I brought him anything back and they was all I had.”

“You’re a good brother.”

“That’s actually an example of how I--” _ain’t_. It’s pointless saying it, Callum will only protest so he just nods instead and Callum looks pleased, like he thinks saying something enough times can make it true.

Callum turns his attention back to his drink and Ben watches him, entranced even by the way he stirs his coffee, too tired to pretend otherwise. 

Callum eats slowly, his eyes on Ben the whole time. Ben doesn’t have the self restraint to eat slowly, he hadn’t noticed but it turns out he’s starving and the sugar makes his brain fizz.

Callum edges his bare foot closer to Ben’s under the table until they’re pressed together. It feels nice, comforting but then Ben wants more so he slides his foot along Callum’s calf and Callum leans in to lick a dusting of sugar off the tip of Ben’s nose and with that the food is forgotten. 

Outside is getting louder but it doesn’t matter to them, they won’t let it in, they’ll exist only for each other and only when they’re touching. Callum cups Ben's face and kisses him honey sweet and delicious and Ben couldn’t stop for anything, Callum’s mouth his forbidden fruit. 

He stands and Callum follows and backs him into the counter to press their bodies together and there it is, that feeling, that indefinable pleasure. They kiss languidly, drugged with exhaustion, their eyelids weighted down. Ben wraps his arms around Callum’s middle and Callum rests his on Ben’s shoulders like young lovers at prom. Each slide of Callum’s tongue melts Ben until he’s boneless, he’s this kiss and he’s nothing else. 

When they break apart, Callum runs his hand over his hair and it sticks up all over the place, the peaks of it lit up golden in the sunlight. Maybe time running out is a gift, maybe Ben wouldn’t have stopped to see him like this if they had longer. 

Callum cools the pan with a shock and sizzle of cold water and leaves the plates to soak and Ben holds him around the waist as he works. 

Leaning to one side to fit Ben under his arm, Callum takes him through to the living room and turns on the radio, finding a station playing a slow song that Ben doesn’t recognise but which feels familiar anyway.

Callum trails a finger down Ben’s neck and pushes his too-big t-shirt off his shoulder and leans down to press hot kisses against his bare skin. Ben tangles his fingers in Callum’s hair and moves his body to the music, Callum moving with him until eventually Ben is taking his weight in his arms and Callum’s face is buried in the dip of his neck. 

Standing his full height, Callum takes Ben's hand to twirl him around and then catches him in his arms again. The curtains cast a warm yellow glow into the living room, only barely holding back the new day so Ben tucks against him to block out the light.

They keep moving in time to the music, two perfect pretenders. Callum sings along to the radio in low lullaby tones and Ben turns his face to feel the vibrations in his chest. Callum keeps his palm pressed against Ben's and finds a space for his other hand in the well of Ben's lower back. They shouldn’t fit together like this, like it was written in the stars, but they do. It's undeniable. It's the only thing Ben can't argue against. 

A loud advert comes on the radio and Callum brings his hand up to cover Ben's ear for a moment and holds him close before letting him go to turn it off. 

He’s out of Ben’s reach so there’s nothing he can do when Callum's eye is caught by the cabinet. He wanders over to it and plucks out the framed photograph of Ben as a child. 

"Don't…" Ben tries to shout but the word comes out in a hoarse whisper. 

"You look so sad."

"I was." 

Ben looks around the living room and the past rushes in. He has to sit down or he'll fall down so he backs into the sofa and Callum hurries to him and drops to his knees at his feet. 

"I know. I know," Callum says. _I know it hurts, I know what it’s like, I know how you feel, I know how you ache, I know you._

Ben can't help the smile that forms on his lips. He strokes Callum's face and sweeps the hair from his eyes. "I know you do. That's why I like ya."

Callum's eyes sparkle and Ben wonders how he'd feel if Callum cried for him, wonders if maybe he already has. 

Ben wants to tell him the truth, _We're not gonna work out, don't waste your time on me, go find someone to love who can love you the way you deserve._ But he can't. He's isn't strong enough to make him leave. Not yet. He's too tired. 

Callum takes his hand and kisses his palm, his wrist. _You make me feel clean again, you make me forget what these hands have done. No, you make me feel like maybe I can forgive myself. Like maybe I can move on. Like maybe I can start to live my life again._

Callum looks up from under his long, dark lashes and after bestowing a final kiss against the back of Ben’s hand he asks, "Can I take you to bed?"

The question fills up Ben’s chest and head until he feels like he might burst. So many people in his life want to be big and take up space and because of that they are small and hollow. The best man he knows just wants to be good and so he thinks nothing of stooping at Ben’s feet and asking his permission to sleep in his arms. He is the biggest, the most beautiful person Ben knows.

"Yes, _yes_."

Callum leads him up the stairs and into the bathroom and then to the bedroom. He shakes out the duvet and plumps the pillows as Ben watches from the sidelines. Seeing Callum take over like this makes it feel like this isn’t his bedroom anymore and that's a blessing. 

Callum finds the hem of Ben's borrowed t-shirt and waits for Ben to lift his arms before slipping it off. Ben does the same for him, getting on his tiptoes to pull Callum's jumper free and yet he still manages to mess up his hair. 

Callum goes to run a hand through it but Ben grabs his wrist. "Leave it, you look cute."

“That’s twice now that you’ve called me cute.”

“Ever think it’s ‘cause you are?”

Callum’s cheeks flush pink and a huge sunshine smile spreads across his face. 

Ben pushes Callum's boxers off his hips and kicks off his joggers and they crawl naked and warm under the covers. Callum drapes an arm around Ben and pulls him in close.

“Mm... my little spoon,” Callum breathes.

Ben giggles at the absurdity of it but that doesn’t stop it going round and round his head. _My my my my_. He’d be Callum’s anything just to hear him say it. 

The press of Callum’s body against his own feels just like heaven but a better version of heaven, one where anything could still happen. 

"I'll see you tonight," Callum whispers against Ben's neck. 

"Promise?"

"There's no place I'd rather be."

Ben is too tired for words and he feels Callum's arm go heavy around his waist and, not wanting to be left behind, he lets his eyes fall closed and doesn't fight it when he starts to drift. 

_There's no place I'd rather be either_ , he thinks, _than here at home with you_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading x
> 
> Normal service will resume next Thursday/Friday.


	11. 27th October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Ben and Callum's final night alone in the Mitchell house and Ben has something he needs to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late, I had a bit of an existential crisis over the hits on this fic lmao and this chapter fought me every inch of the way as I was writing but it's here!
> 
>  **Warnings:** Smut heavy, spanking, talk of safe sex and brief but frequent allusions to trauma.

_**Sunday, 27th October, 4.37pm** _

Ben feels warmth first and pushes closer to it and strong arms hug him closer. He nearly slips under the gentle waves of sleep again when the now familiar feeling floods his body and he stays awake to wriggle his toes in it and press his face into it. Callum. Callum is holding him, the whole length of his body is pressed against Ben’s. He sighs contentedly and sinks down, heavy weight in deep water, down down into the sensation.

Ben opens his eyes and first there’s the blue of twilight and then he picks out the planes of Callum’s bare chest at his cheek. Callum moans in his sleep and his lips brush Ben’s hair. The thought that Callum might be dreaming of him makes him smile despite himself.

Ben gently pushes Callum’s arm away and disentangles himself to sit up in bed and Callum rolls over onto his side and takes up his pillow instead, his hands always seeking out something warm to hold.

He ambles towards the bathroom, naked bar his glasses, and only he doesn’t want to wake the gorgeous man asleep in his bed he would sing at the top of his lungs which feel fit to burst with something that he might call happiness but which in actuality feels much bigger than any happiness he’s ever known before.

He runs a hot, hot bath, he never did see the point of taking a bath if it didn’t leave your skin that glaring shade of freshly smacked red. He pours in a generous amount of bubbles and then some more because fuck it and slips down so only his face is poking out of the foam. 

His glasses start to steam so he takes them off and lays with his eyes closed. He can’t do this at his brother’s, or he can but someone is guaranteed to come in and brush their teeth or take a piss or ask what he’s doing at some point so he’d rather not. His shoulders squeak down the porcelain and he realises he’s been holding them rigid. He can’t remember the last time he relaxed. He lifts up a handful of bubbles and blows them like girls do in movies and laughs to himself. Knowing Callum is just down the hall is a weight off that brings the kind of relief that makes him feel like he could sleep for a month if he weren’t so excited. 

He takes his time, topping up the already dangerously high water from the hot tap, hands smoothing over scars and sore spots, memories of Callum’s touch sending tingles up and down his spine. He imagines himself laid out on clean sheets feeling brand new, Callum on top of him, lost in him, grand lovers in some epic romance. 

When the water grows tepid, he hauls himself up, dries off and walks naked into the bedroom. He can think of nothing better than finding his way back into Callum’s arms but his breathing seems laboured and Ben hesitates, wondering what he’s dreaming of until his eye is caught by a flash of light from his phone. He has five missed calls and a text from Lola and his heart races dangerously fast until he reads her text: _Lex says she aint getting ready for bed until she can come giv u a kiss goodnite!!!!_

He feels a stab of guilt. _Come over in 15?_

She replies within seconds, _K._

He runs his knuckles along Callum’s arm and whispers his name and again in a sing-song voice then progresses to gently shaking his shoulder. There’s something so intimate about waking someone up, he feels less at ease rattling his shoulder than he did clinging onto them in the heat of the moment.

Callum gasps awake like a fish out of water and clutches blindly at Ben. 

“Hey, hey, you’re alright, it’s just me.” _Just me._ He hears it and berates himself. He shouldn’t be assuming that he’s _just me_ to Callum, that he’s anything to him at all.

Callum looks lost, not soothed by Ben’s hands on him or his words. Something else, something else, he has to do something else. He glances around and puts on the bedside lamp and Callum yelps.

“Babe, it’s…” he swallows the _me._ “You’re alright. You’re okay.”

Callum touches the space next to him in the bed. And asks, “Did you leave me?” in a quiet little voice. 

He sounds so young that Ben wants nothing more than to bundle him up and hold him tight. “I went for a bath.”

Callum nods slowly and then more normally. “Weird dream, sorry. Morning. Oh.. Nope.” He laughs but it’s hollow.

“Come here,” Ben leans in and kisses him and Callum holds his face and deepens it, moaning in what sounds to Ben like relief. 

“Oh sorry, morning breath. Ugh, I did it again.” He buries his face in his hands.

“I’d kiss you morning breath or evening breath.” There’s a beat where Callum smiles but it all feels wrong, off. “I hate to do this to ya but Lexi’s coming round to say na’night in about ten minutes.”

Callum screws up his face in confusion. “Should she really be out at night on her own?”

“Err.. Well, Lo’s bringing her and it’s only half five.”

Callum balls up his fist and works it into his leg. “I’m an idiot.”

“No, you ain’t, I’m being a dick, you’ve just woke up.” Ben bends down and kisses Callum softly on the cheek in an act of contrition. He doesn’t know why he does that, why he’s always looking for a gap to get a hit in. “Do you mind getting dressed?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t of gone downstairs naked.”

“I know, I guess I’m asking if you _will_ come down. She likes ya.”

“I dunno about that,” Callum looks down at his hands, both balled up and turning white.

“You.. you don’t have to.”

“No, I want to. I meant I dunno that she likes me.” Ben pulls a sympathetic face, he knows he should reassure him but it feels too much too soon. “Wait, you’re naked too.”

“Fuck!” Aw ain’t it just mortifying when someone shows up wearing the exact same thing as ya?”

A sly smile plays on Callum’s lips. “Looks better on you.”

“Errr… Have you seen you?” Ben whips the covers off Callum who yells in protest but snatches for them too late. “Yeah you definitely wore it best.”

Callum rolls out of bed and staggers bent double to his bag. “You _have_ to know I’m looking at your arse, you know that, don’t ya? You must do.”

Callum yanks on his boxer shorts and winds his finger at Ben. “Come on!” 

Ben sighs and turns the pants he was wearing on Friday inside out and then pulls on his trousers but can’t bring himself to even touch the button up he was wearing that night on the bridge even if the sweat that soaked it through has long since dried. 

“Lending this again,” he says as he plucks Callum’s undershirt off the floor. 

“S’alright. Looks better on you.” Callum looks so soft in his jumper and jeans and Ben wants to run into his arms but he strides out of the room in three long steps and is gone. “Gotta clean my teeth. Pretty sure you’re the only one who don’t mind my evening breath,” he calls.

Ben laughs loud before he can stifle it. He should probably get something clean to wear out of his dad’s wardrobe but he can’t bear to go near his room. He lifts the shirt to his face and inhales, this is better anyway, this is good.

“Should I shave?” Callum yells.

“Don’t you dare!”

There's a short expanse of time where Ben only stands and listens to the water running in the bathroom, finding himself hooked even by the way Callum clears his throat.

The knock on the door makes him jump and retreat into the bedroom before he remembers himself. Callum follows him down the stairs but turns and hurries into the living room to put the light on as he answers the door. 

“Hiya baby!”

Lexi barges past him into the living room like she’s on a mission followed in quick pursuit by Lola. Ben knows he should go after them, and he will, but he takes a moment alone in the doorway and takes a deep lungful of cold air before he does.

He peers into the room and sees Callum down on one knee; a knight swearing fealty at the feet of a little girl searching through her backpack.

"Daddy said you was here and I've got something for ya."

"Oh yeah?"

Lola looks at Ben, confused but unbothered and shrugs when he shoots her a questioning wide eyed glare.

Lexi hands Callum a folded piece of paper and he carefully opens it like it's precious. 

"Is this us?”

Us? _Us._

She nods. "Yep."

He gasps. "Aw, Lexi it’s beautiful! Ack, but wait. You ain’t signed it. All artists gotta sign their work.”

Lexi turns to her parents and looks frantically from one to the other. 

“Get a pen!” Lola hisses.

Ben tries to get a look at the picture as he goes but he can’t make it out, he searches for a pen in the kitchen, his head so clouded that it’s a miracle he even remembers what he came in for. He hands the pen to Callum who presents it to Lexi in the palm of his hand. 

She scribbles her name and hands it back to him. “A Lexi Pearce original! Ain’t I lucky? Thank you so much, I love how you done the French toast.”

“You’re welcome!”

Callum turns the picture around, it’s the three of them - Lexi, Ben and Callum - eating breakfast with glitter stuck to the toast to serve as the sugar.

Ben rubs the back of his neck as Lola coos over the drawing. "Right, Lex, it's bath time." He hears Lola tut but he doesn’t dare look at her. 

Lexi rolls her eyes and turns to Callum and pats his arm. "I have to go."

"Aww, alright. Night night." 

She throws her arms around his neck and he lightly rubs her back, so gentle despite his size.

"No hug for your old man?" Ben’s voice comes out much louder than he’d been expecting but he tries to pass it off as normal with a forced grin.

Lexi twirls like a ballerina and jumps into Ben's arms. He swings her around and she giggles delightedly and for a few seconds it’s only them, her sunbeam love and his joy and nothing else in the whole world. 

"You smell like auntie Sharon."

"You what?" Ben holds her still and looks into her tiny inscrutable face.

Lola guffaws and Ben’s gaze snaps over to her and Callum, both now standing arm to arm wearing matching smiles. For a moment he hates them, both of them. 

Lola creeps towards them with black and white movie vampire steps and holds onto Ben with both hands to sniff him. "You do ‘nd all!"

"It ain't like I'm wearing her signature scent, it's just bubble bath."

Lola and Lexi sniff him loudly and both burst out laughing as he tries to free himself from them. The harder he struggles, the tighter they hold on so he stops and looks over at Callum and sees him hugging himself, sucking on his wobbly bottom lip and audibly swallowing down tears. He should have fucking known something like this would happen. He will not do this, he will not be tricked into a cosy little family moment when he isn’t even sure what he means to Callum yet.

"Alright, alright, off you pop."

“Da-ddy!” Lexi chastises. 

“I’m sorry, baby, come here.” He carries her out into the hall and squeezes her tight away from watchful eyes. “I love you, I love ya to the moon and back. I love ya from the bottom of the sea to the top of the sky.”

“And back?”

“And back.”

Lola takes Lexi’s hand and leads her outside and he starts counting down from a hundred, an old trick he learned the first time he went inside as a kid, most things, for better or worse, were over by the time you hit zero. 

"Love ya," Lola says to Ben and he reciprocates but then she turns to Callum and says the same to him and Callum squeaks out a high pitched, "Love ya!" in return that makes Lola clutch at her heart.

Ben keeps counting down in his head until they disappear out of sight then he slams the door and says the most banal thing he can think of.

"What d'you want for dinner?"

"Oh. Oh, I dunno. Nothing heavy. I’m not sure my stomach could handle another Chinese. I don't wanna be gassy.” His face starts to flush pink. “Sorry that weren’t very sexy, was it?”

"I already know you're human, babe, don't worry."

Callum fumbles with Lexi's picture and glances down at it once, twice and then stares, amazed. 

"Right I'll go down the shop and get us some bits, yeah?" Ben starts reaching for his keys, not even sure where his wallet and shoes are, just knowing he wants to get out before he’s into minus numbers in his head.

"I'd really like to cook for you, actually. Shall we go to the big supermarket? Are you alright to drive or I can--"

"No, I'll drive." 

So much for not going out and staying in their bubble. Whatever. They get ready in silence and mercifully Callum puts the drawing away in his bag.

They take his dad's car and Callum holds his hand over the gearstick and rubs his thumb over the back of Ben’s hand until it feels burnt and raw and he wants to tell him to stop but at the same time he doesn’t want to say anything at all. 

It's raining slightly when they pull into the carpark of the big Tesco which puts a haze across everything and Ben stares at the blurry neon sign over the door, lost in something, some feeling he can’t pinpoint but which tugs at his insides. Callum interlaces their fingers and Ben looks down at their hands and doesn’t notice, at first, that Callum has started walking until he finds himself dragged along behind him, lagging behind Callum’s head start.

He lets go of Ben's hand as soon as the automatic doors whoosh closed behind them and takes a basket instead. Ben bumps their fingers together but Callum doesn't take the bait so he shoves his hands in his coat pockets and falls behind.

Something about this and the strip lights and the cold of the fridges reminds him of traipsing behind his dad when he first came back to Walford; he remembers feeling small and stupid and superfluous and realises with a start that the feeling prompted the memory, not the other way around. Callum, big and beautiful and good and he small and hollow and cruel chasing after him the way he did for months. He wants to turn and go. No, he _should_ want to turn and go but he doesn’t, he wants to beg Callum to drop the basket and take him out to the car. He wants to tell him that they don’t even have to go back to the house, that he just wants to be alone with him again somewhere where the lights are low.

Callum's hair is too long to wear with no product and it swishes as he walks and falls in his eyes when he turns to ask Ben if he likes ricotta and he looks so young and so soft and so unbearably lovely that Ben is stopped in his tracks. 

"I weren't exactly cooking with ricotta before, ya know? But I always experimented when I could, when I was on leave and that. And when I moved in the Vic, Mick would always shout me the money for whatever I wanted, s'long as he got to eat it, obviously," he laughs bright and loud. 

"Mrs. C never let me loose before my training but I--" he bumps hard into the corner of a fridge and Ben rushes to rub his arm. 

"I'm guessing your training didn't cover talking and walking backwards at the same time."

Callum starts to blush a deep red. "Aha, nah, I was always best off in the kitchen. The times when I.." his face changes then, he looks older in an instant and then he stands his full height, Ben didn't know he'd been slouching but suddenly he's towering over him and something about it makes him step away and tuck his hand back in his pocket. 

Callum plasters on a grin, "Tomato base or cream base for the sauce?" 

"Errm… tomato. You said you were lactose intolerant, didn't ya?"

"Did I?" 

Callum starts to wander away and it takes Ben a moment to realise and catch up. 

"Maybe Jay said."

"Jay?"

Ben feels his insides roll. Shit. He asked Jay what Callum had in his sandwiches. That's how hard up he was for this man. He was asking what he had for lunch and clinging onto potential lactose intolerance like it meant he knew him. It’s bad enough he knows he was asking his mum for his drink order and now this. 

"You got passata back at the house?" 

"I think there's a Dolmio in the back of the cupboard."

Callum doesn't seem satisfied with that and picks a jar off the shelf. 

Ben follows behind as he throws things in the basket, occasionally he looks over his shoulder and asks Ben if he likes this or that and he nods but he isn't paying attention. He wonders what would happen if he pulled Callum in for a kiss in the middle of the frozen desserts aisle. It feels like maybe what they have doesn’t exist outside of the house and he wants to test his theory but he doesn’t know how he’ll survive it if he turns out to be right.

Callum chooses a six pack of beer and Ben considers getting an extra but thinks better of it and they head to the checkout. He watches Callum arrange things in careful order on the conveyor belt, stopping to make sure the person behind them has a divider bar and laughing about something over Ben’s shoulder. He wants to put his arms around him and hide in his jacket but he balls his fists against it.

The cashier rings through the beer and glances up at Ben and then looks up at him properly, scrutinising him. “Have you got any ID?”

"Are-- are you kidding?" 

"Sorry," she points to the sign that says if you don’t look over 25, you need to show ID. 

"I'm 23!" He spits but she only points again. 

Callum turns to him and squeezes his arm and asks, "Have you got it?" in the softest voice. Ben could fucking scream.

"That ain't the point!” He says to Callum and then pushes him out of the way to face the cashier, “Why ain't you asking him?" 

"He don't look under 25."

Ben rubs the back of his neck, agitated now, feeling trapped like a wild animal in a cage. A few people in the queue are watching him, he can feel their eyes boring holes in his back so he shoots them a look. He hands over his ID and the cashier makes a show of staring at him and then the ID and then back at him over and over until he feels sweat start to prickle along his hairline.

"Alright,” she says. 

He pays with a 50 just to piss her off and lets Callum get the bags and chase him for once.

"Fucking bitch," he mumbles as they walk. 

Callum stows the bags away in the footwell of the back seat as Ben hops in, hands tight around the steering wheel. He considers just driving away and leaving him but he knows he couldn’t actually do it. Callum gets in slowly but doesn't close his door so Ben can't go. 

"Can you not let my dad's car fill with rain, thanks."

Callum pulls the door to but still not closed and cups Ben's face. "She was just doing her job, you don't look like a kid."

"I know."

"Kids like novelty," Ben doesn't get it at first, "Lexi just likes me because I'm new." _Oh._

"Give her a bit more credit than that, Callum. She likes you because...." _because you’re lovely, because you rescued breakfast, because you made up a song and taught it to her on the walk to school, because she knows I like you too._

"Do you think we're moving too fast?"

He knows what Callum’s doing, listing every single potential thing that made Ben snap until he hits the jackpot. 

"Nah, you won't even keep hold of my hand in Tesco, I reckon we're good. Close that door or don't, either way we're going, I want a drink."

He starts to pull out and Callum slams the door. 

"It's not that I don't wanna be seen holding _your_ hand, it's just--"

"I know, you've only been out a month that weren't fair of me." 

"I've had the best weekend."

Ben puts his foot down and goes a little over the speed limit. It feels good. 

"Just talking about nothing and getting to cuddle in a double bed. I dunno if I should say this," Ben's stomach flips, "but I can't stop thinking about how you looked with the light coming in this morning, I was-- I was counting your freckles to stay awake."

"Sounds a bit counterintuitive.”

"Well, that's me all over innit.”

So long as they’re both blurting out their insecurities he decides he may as well. "Did I go too far, in bed, last night…?"

Callum chokes and clears his throat. "Nah, nah. I had fun. A lot of fun."

"Yeah, me too." He stops at a red light. "I just feel like I really pushed it with the…" he gestures to Callum's chest but keeps his eyes on the road.

"Oh. Do you think I.. was that not normal?"

"Huh? No, you were amazing. I want you to enjoy yourself." Ben pulls away at the amber light and floors it. 

"I had thought about it before last night, you know. I've seen.. videos. You ain't corrupting me. I weren't born yesterday, I'm a 28 year old man."

"I know. Even the cow at the checkout knows. I just wanted to make sure."

"I wanna do it all with you, Ben."

Whatever that means, Ben isn’t going to think about it. He reaches for the radio and turns it up just a bit too loud and keeps his eyes straight even as he hears Callum sigh and turn towards the window. In another life they’d be singing along to the radio, maybe even heading out for the night or doing something normal people do that Ben can’t even imagine. 

The Square always seems so dark, so many corners and pitch black alleyways. His heart sinks when he pulls up outside the Mitchell house. He glances up at the Pytchley in the glass over the front door as Callum gathers the shopping bag. Yelhctyp if you’re looking at it from your place at the kitchen table waiting to hear your fate; he's always thinking the stupidest shit. 

He wants to turn and say, “Let’s get a hotel room!” and maybe he’d pass it off as spontaneity and Callum would be swept off his feet and dazzled by a suite on a high floor overlooking the Thames, they’d put on their fluffy robes and drink champagne from the bottle and fuck by the light of the city. But he doesn't say it and next thing he knows he's opening the door.

He startles at the jackets hung up that resemble someone lying in wait in the dark hallway and feels a sense of terror bubble towards the surface. He hears the sound of the bags being plonked down on worn carpet but still he feels frozen until, like a light in the dark, he feels Callum’s hands on him and his breath against his neck. 

"What're you doing?"

Callum catches him around the waist and brings him in for a slow, deep kiss. _Oh._ His hands slide under Ben’s t-shirt and he trembles at the touch, overcome and overwhelmed. The sound of their kissing fills the empty house and every breath, every scrape of fabric is like music claiming every nook and cranny as theirs. 

It’s Callum who breaks the kiss but he takes Ben’s hand and doesn’t let go all the way into the kitchen, unpacking their bags one handed until Ben relents and hops up on the counter top, content just to watch him now, feeling a little calmer than before.

Callum talks about dinner but Ben’s only half listening, enjoying the cadence of his voice moreso than his words at first, preoccupied with returning to the Ben who’s safe to exist here in their little bubble, shedding off his outside self like a second skin in the heat of Callum’s presence.

He gathers that Callum’s going to make them something quick although he tells Ben that he usually likes to take his time, that once he discovered the joys of cooking he was quite happy if it took all night. He says it’s the best thing you can do for yourself, cooking something wholesome and only he wants to get back to _cuddling_ , he'd show Ben just what he can do. 

“I always preferred baking,” Ben admits.

“Oh yeah?”

“You know me, babe, always up for beating something to a stiff peak, icing some hot buns--”

“Are you pulling my leg?”

“Nah! I did, I loved baking when I--” something catches his eye in the dark hallway and his mind goes blank. Callum follows his gaze and goes to shut the kitchen door before returning to the hob.

“Next you’ll be telling me you make a mean cream horn.” Callum stirs something in a pan with one hand and leans over to press a kiss against Ben’s cheek.

"Forget the food, come give me a proper kiss."

Callum sighs and steps in between Ben’s legs, Ben tries to tell him he’s too easy but then he’s being kissed and it’s forgotten, maybe he’s the easy one.

Ben pulls back and whispers, "D'you wanna skip dinner and go upstairs?"

"No ta, I'm starving."

Callum stays planted between his legs but leans over to stir.

"Will you fuck me later though?" Ben asks, squeezing his knees into Callum’s thighs. 

"Hmmm I’m already making you dinner and now this as well, I dunno…"

"If I'd known I would've made us some toast.”

Callum's big laugh fills the room and, God, he loves his laugh, it’s his favourite sound. 

Dinner is pasta with long stem broccoli and chicken with this lush sauce that Ben could swear he didn't even see Callum cook. "You're a genius this is amazing."

"Thanks, this is what I made you the nights you got caught up at work. I'm glad you got to try it"

All he's worried about is Ben getting to try it, fuck. "Come here," he pulls on Callum's jumper and kisses him.

"Mm saucy," Callum says into his mouth and fuck, if it isn't the most adorable thing.

Callum blushes at Ben's yummy noises until his neck is a warning sign shade of red and insists on doing the washing up while Ben cracks open a beer and watches his every move. He could get used to this although he knows he shouldn’t.

They retreat to the living room where Ben shucks off his trousers and Callum turns on the TV and they find their way into each other's arms. Callum keeps making satisfied little noises that are so distracting Ben couldn't say what they were meant to be watching even with a gun to his head.

“I’ve always been one to enjoy a cuddle on the sofa but this is something else.”

He wraps Ben up in his arms as tight as he can and when he loosens his grip Ben crawls into his lap and buries his face in his chest, unashamed, for once. Outside it starts to rain and eventually it drowns out the sound of the TV and Ben wants to say it feels like they’re outside of time but he figures Callum already knows. 

“I wish we had longer," Callum mumbles and there's nothing Ben can think of to say.

Callum threads their fingers together and squeezes Ben’s hand.

The rain slows and mingles with canned laughter but it all bleeds into the background and there's only the pressure of Callum's hand and the warmth of his chest until even that blurs and Ben's left only with the feeling of being small in his arms and a faint sense of this being all he's ever wanted. 

He snaps back to himself. “What are we doing?" He asks in a panic.

“Dunno. What d’you wanna do?”

If Callum heard the fear in his voice then he’s choosing to let it slide and Ben could kiss him he’s so grateful but he keeps his cool.

“Watch a movie, you said you ain’t seen Hannah Montana. Then maybe we could get an early night.” Callum nods. Ben flicks through the channels and works his hips against Callum under the guise of settling himself. 

Ben moans low and dirty and Callum licks his lips and then, in the most glorious turn of events he grips the armrest. Ben mutters something about trying to get comfy and grinds against Callum until he draws a whimper out of him which he fights quickly to suppress until he sees Ben laughing. 

“Oh you’re too easy. I was kidding.”

“Aw you little shit!" Callum pants out the words and Ben realises he’d been holding his breath. 

“You wasn’t seriously going to try and sit through an entire kids film with me on your knee were ya?” 

“Yeah, if it’s what you wanted.”

“You’re too nice for your own good, Callum.”

Ben shifts to straddle Callum’s knee facing out towards the TV and glances over his shoulder to make sure he has his captive audience’s full attention before he slowly takes off his borrowed t-shirt and like clockwork he sees Callum’s eyes go straight to his arse in his tight boxers.

Satisfied, Ben turns away to arch his back and hears Callum flop back against the sofa as he rolls his hips. He’s used to being an object, he always tells the guys he hooks up with that he can be anything they want him to be and he means it. It’s something else though, to just be himself, to just enjoy himself and have a good man be left breathless and hard in his wake.

Callum shifts uncomfortably, “Gotta get outta these clothes.” 

“Not yet,” Ben purrs.

“Yeah, we’re not doing that tonight.”

Excitement rises in Ben’s chest. “Says who?” Callum doesn’t answer, leaves him hanging but starts to move against him, the rough push of denim making his eyes roll back even through his boxers. “Strong silent type, ey? I suppose it has its appeal but I prefer a man who knows what he wants. Tell me what you’re gonna do, tell me what you wanna do, tell me--”

“Ben?”

“Yeah?” 

“Shut up.”

Ben swallows hard, “Make me.” He knows what comes next.

“I ain’t gonna make ya, just do what you’re told for once.”

_Or not._

“Or what? Or what, Callum?”

“You tell me.”

That’s new. “Put me across your knee.” The words come out in a rush and Ben isn’t sure where they came from just that he means them. 

Ben crawls off his lap onto the sofa and unzips Callum’s jeans, letting him pull them down to his mid thigh to give his straining dick some relief as Callum rids himself of his jumper. 

Callum places his hand on the back of Ben’s neck and slowly but firmly pulls him down until he’s lying prostrate across his thighs and then squeezes his arse and massages him, hands digging deep into soft flesh.

“Do it,” Ben gasps.

“Do what?”

 _Hit me,_ he thinks, “spank me,” he says.

Callum smacks his hand down. “Harder than that, babe.”

Callum shushes him gently, reverentially and goes back to caressing him, hands pressing in between his thighs, tracing circles into his lower back and then back to his arse.

He brings his hand down again, a little harder this time and again.

“More,” he moans.

 _Forgive me father._

Callum yanks Ben’s shorts down and brings his hand down with a crack and a thrill runs up his spine. This is unknown territory, to feel so safe in someone’s arms and yet have them deliver exactly what he needs.

_I am not worthy._

Callum strokes his stinging skin feather soft and Ben vibrates with it on some holy frequency, the alternating tender touch and thwack of his hand flooding Ben, filling him up with bliss.

Callum ruffles Ben’s hair. “Are you with me?”

His voice roots him back in his body. “I’m with you.”

He shifts a little and notices Callum’s hard dick poking his belly. Fuck, he wanted this too, _he wanted this too_.

Callum smooths his hand along his body, firm across the expanse of his back and down, down. It feels like the first time with Ben wondering what it’ll be like when his fingers find out places he dreams of being touched. The thought startles him out of his reverie.

“Upstairs,” Ben says, certain and definitive, not wanting to fuck where his dad dunks his digestives. 

Callum pulls Ben’s shorts back into place and helps him off the sofa, he’s found his voice but not his legs and it takes him a bit to steady himself even with Callum’s arms around him. It’s just pure luck that they get up to the bedroom in one piece, kissing and grabbing the entire way, banging painfully into the walls and furniture until finally they collapse on the bed a tangle of limbs. 

Ben could come like this, just holding each other down and moving together but he wants more. They grapple with each other’s shorts until there’s skin on skin and it’s so good he nearly forgets all over again that there’s even better than this.

Callum drags himself away with a grimace and throws himself over to the bedside table, fiddles with something and comes back to Ben with slick fingers between his legs. Kissing all teeth and tongue, he circles Ben’s hole tantalisingly slow until Ben is twitching and writhing when he pushes two fingers inside. Callum breaks the kiss to watch his face as he thrusts his fingers.

“Are you still thinking about--?”

“From behind,” Callum says in a hurry, “yeah, yeah but only if you wanna.”

He’s hard against Ben’s hip and he feels a kind of smug satisfaction at having Callum right where he wants him. Power flows both ways between them, is given up and taken back, not by force but by mutual agreement, it’s everything he’s ever wanted. 

Callum fumbles with the condom and Ben chuckles low which stills him and he looks up from under his lashes as Ben takes it out of his hands. “Now then, no need to get all worked up over it, was there?” he says as he rolls it over his hard dick.

Callum’s eyes glaze over like he’s barely holding onto his grip on reality and the noise he makes when Ben falls onto his hands and waits for him on all fours tells him he’s pretty far gone already. 

Muttering a low growl of a _fuck,_ Callum crawls up behind Ben, hands grasping everywhere to try and find somewhere to hold on. Ben looks down between his own legs at Callum’s big thighs, his own leaking dick and suddenly he needs this more than anything.

“Fuck me,” his voice comes out strangled and desperate. 

Callum is hesitant at first, sinking in agonisingly slow and coming to rest with a deep shuddering breath.

He starts out with long, slow deep thrusts that make Ben’s eyes roll back, he could never get off like this, could never quite find the right angle to hit the sweet spot that made him blow and he’d tried, he’d really put the work in over the years to try and make it work but he’d come to appreciate how it kept him in his place, stuck on the edge.

Callum starts to find his rhythm, thrusting deep and fast and there’s the old familiar slap of skin on skin, urgent hands at his waist, fingers pressed so deep that even blunt nails do damage. It stings, his body smacking Ben’s freshly spanked arse, but it only intensifies the feeling.

This was always his preference with hookups, hot but impersonal. The ones that bent over him and whispered in his ear were vetoed for any future dalliances. If this is how he’d met Callum then he’d definitely have fucked him again. 

He keeps his head down, entranced by the muscles working in Callum's thick legs as he moves and the slight shake in his thighs. 

“Are you with me?” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Ben pants, “You’re doing so good, babe, you’re so good.” 

Callum slaps his arse, not hard but enough to make stars sparkle behind his eyes.

"I'm close," Callum whines and it's the hottest fucking thing hearing him sound so wrecked so soon. 

He slips a hand over Ben's belly and grasps his dick, grunting out a loud, " _Oh!_ " when he feels it slick with precum. Ben’s not sure if it’s just because he’s new to all this or if it’s indicative of how into him he is but he hopes it’s both.

Callum twists his hand around Ben's dick and pounds harder and Ben’s arms shake with the strain of it until it feels like all the air has been punched out of his lungs. He comes suddenly and hard, overwhelmed by the knowledge that this is Callum who has him coming on his hands and knees like a fucking animal, his orgasm wrung out of him before he can do anything about it. 

“Stop, stop!” 

Callum stops instantly. “You ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, can’t keep going like that after I’ve come.”

Callum drops onto his back and Ben rolls the condom off his dick and licks the slippery head, digging his tongue in against his slit.

“Your hand--” Callum gasps.

Years spent perfecting his blowjob technique and he’s found the one bloke who begs for handjobs. He works Callum’s dick with his ring bumping the ridge and really he just wants to lie down and shiver in the afterglow so he pinches one of Callum’s nipples and watches as he arches his back and spills over his hand moaning and grunting. 

“Good boy, there now.” He watches how Callum’s toes curl and wonders, absently, if they’ll be together long enough for him to run out of new things to be captivated by.

He snuggles against Callum’s heaving chest and sinks with him as he starts to come down.

"Thank you, for trusting me to try that and before.. on the sofa."

 _Trust_. "It was intense but it was fun, yeah?"

Callum hums an _mm-hm._

Ben thinks again about him asking if they're going too fast and he has a hundred questions swirling in his head but goes for something innocuous to test the water.

"How would it go if we'd met in a club?"

"And I was already out?" 

"Yeah, sure.”

"I'd notice ya, obviously. I'd look over and look away when you saw."

"I'd come over--" Ben prompts.

"Of course! You'd walk over slow, watchin' me. You'd do that thing as you sipped your drink."

"What thing?"

"Hollow your cheeks."

"Oh yeah," he laughs. "Works though, don't it?"

"Oh yeah," Callum mirrors. "You'd ask me to dance and I'd nod. But then you'd take my hand and there'd be sparks like when we met. One dance would turn into all night until we was gasping for a drink."

"We'd go to mine for a beer."

"We'd go straight upstairs." Callum slides his hand along Ben's chest and draws circles into his skin as if he’s painting ripples in a still pond. "When we kissed it'd feel like we'd known each other forever. Or.. before. More like we'd known each other before."

Ben's heart stops. He doesn't know what he means but he knows exactly what he means at the same time. 

"My eyes would pop out my head when you got your cock out."

"So same as our actual first time then."

"Not my fault it's massive!"

"Not my fault neither."

Ben gasps and rolls over in Callum's arms. "Naughty, naughty! So… Would you stay the night?"

"Yeah and wake up and do it again."

"Remember that morning--"

"At my flat?" Ben nods. "Made me wish I could wake up with you every morning."

Ben’s going to ignore that last part but not forget it. "Really sets you up for the day, don't it? Coming twice before breakfast."

"It does! I know you're taking the piss but it really does!"

Ben feels overcome and kisses Callum for myriad reasons not least because he can, because he wants to, because Callum always catches him, because Callum can’t imagine a scenario where they don’t end up in bed together, because he’s choosing to be here and choosing Ben. 

He thinks of the contents of his drawer that he brought and how, if it were anyone else he’d feel the need to perform but tonight he gets to admit, even if not aloud, that right now he doesn’t want any of it, he just wants Callum. 

He blurts out, “I have to tell you something,” before he can change his mind.

“Ok.” 

“We don’t have to--” Ben pulls his hand free and gropes around for his phone. “We don’t need to use a condom if you don’t want to, if you feel comfortable, I mean. It’s up to you.”

He taps his phone a few times then hands it to Callum with his test results open. Callum’s mouth falls open and he nods, slowly, scrolling a millimeter at a time. 

"I know it's from August but it's only been you since this. But if you want me to get a more recent one before we do anything, I get it and I will."

Callum keeps staring at the phone screen, still barely scrolling, like he’s frozen. Ben starts to count to try and block out all the voices telling him how fucking stupid he is. “Say something,” he croaks.

“You… I… We... “ Callum drags a hand over his face. “I… We…” he bursts out laughing and rolls sideways onto the bed burying himself in the duvet. “Sounds good!” 

“Oh my God, are you telling me that the bloke who’s into fucking nipple clamps can’t look me in the eye cos I suggested barebacking?”

Callum whimpers.

Ben gasps, giddy with relief, “Have you been thinking about this? Good Boy Callum thinking about fucking me raw? Is this a fantasy? Do you lie awake at night thinking--”

“Stop!" Ben dives over and tickles Callum as he wriggles and writhes. “Stop, I’ll piss myself!”

Ben grabs Callum’s ears and pretends to be burnt by the magenta tips of them with a loud, “Ouch!”

"Oh Ben, stop!"

"What? It's cute!” He takes a few deep breaths. “You’re cute.”

Callum sits up and he wonders if he’s crossed a line but he reaches for his phone. “I’ll show you mine before we decide, alright?"

“Yours?”

“Yeah, after we-- in the park, just in case.”

Ben manages to nod but his head is swimming. He imagines it all in an instant, Callum’s fear that he might have caught something, his shame going to the clinic, his anxiety at trying to keep his fiancé at arm’s length. He didn’t mean to do that to him, to fuck up his first time.

“I knew it was an outside chance, considering we only, you know'd... but...”

“You’re a good guy, Callum.” Callum laughs bitterly. “No, you are.”

“I know it’s from ages ago but me and Whit were always safe since and--”

“Stop. I believe ya. I-- I know it’s irrational but it kills me hearing you talk about… that with her.” 

“Kinda kills me too.”

Of course it does. Shit.

Ben looks briefly when he shows him the text saying everything was negative.

“Are you comfortable with--” 

“Yes. I am. But if you ever wanna change your mind or _you_ don't feel comfortable just talk to me, yeah? We don’t have to do anything tonight, even."

"Oh yeah, of course. Just tell me."

Ben laughs, dumfounded. "I was talking about you."

"It takes two to tango,” he huffs out a laugh, “I mean, it goes both ways, don’t it? But we’ll just keep talking to each other, yeah? I...” his voice reaches a helium high, “I think we could try it tonight though, if you want to?”

He still wants him, he still wants him after all that. He doesn’t deserve this but he wants it and Callum does too, he just said. "Yeah. Come here.”

Ben hangs onto the back of Callum’s neck and drags him down until he’s enveloping him, his face at his neck and his hot breath washing over him. He’d never tell him but he suspects he knows anyway that he wants this, wants to feel skin on skin, wants him to come inside him and be claimed by him. He wants more and more and so much more of something that he doesn’t even have words for but it claws at him from the inside until he feels like he’s drowning in the lack of it. 

Callum reaches blindly for something and drags his gaze from Ben to fiddle with it before he props himself on one elbow.

“Spread your legs.”

Ben shifts his knees apart and Callum doesn’t break eye contact even as he presses two fingers inside him at just the right angle and licks his lips at the strangled moan that escapes Ben’s throat. 

Ben wants to hear him say that he thought about this before they got together, that he's tried it himself, tried it _on_ himself, wants to hear about these _videos_ he mentioned earlier but can't find his voice to ask.

It’s like a dream as Callum moves on top of him and hooks his legs under his arms to bend him in half and nestles his face in the crook of Ben’s shoulder. 

Callum makes sounds Ben can’t even process as he pushes inside him. He moves in shaky, jerky thrusts and Ben puts a flat hand on his back and feels that he’s shivering. He’ll never ask for anything again if Callum just tells him now that he’s close in under a minute and all because of Ben, because of them. 

“God, I ain’t gonna last.. I’m sorry.” _Hallelujah_.

He wants to bottle this moment, Callum’s feet slipping on the sheets and his fingers clawing into Ben’s legs.

“Tell me I did this to ya.”

“You did this to me.” 

It sends a shiver up Ben’s spine.

_Tell me you love it, tell me you want it, tell me you chose it. Say you choose me. Say you’ll keep choosing me._

He can’t help but moan when he feels Callum swell inside him, grateful to have a clear enough head to take this in, the way the muscles move in Callum’s back, how his breath catches and shudders, the ferocity in his grip, the scratch of his stubble as he gasps and groans.

“Don’t pull out, come inside me.” 

Ben’s words are a trigger and Callum bucks his hips and scrabbles to push deeper and deeper as a flurry of _fucks_ fall from his lips. Ben holds onto him and doesn’t let go even as he collapses heavily on top of him, breathless and shaking.

He yells, “I’m sorry!” with an edge of hysteria in his voice and Ben starts to pet his hair and rub his back to try and soothe him.

“Don’t be sorry, that was fucking hot.”

“I’ve never-- without a-- and wow.”

“Glad I was your first,” Ben laughs.

“Me too,” Callum whispers and showers his shoulder in kisses. “It was..” he rolls off Ben leaving one leg pressed between Ben’s and resting his head on his chest, “It was the trust thing, I think. Obviously it felt good, obviously. But just knowing you trust me like that, it really turned me on.” 

He laughs what Ben recognises as a nervous laugh and he knows he should rescue him and say he gets it too, because he does but he isn’t ready to admit it yet so he just keeps carding his fingers through his hair instead in the hopes it will read as some kind of gesture of comfort and understanding.

Ben sticks one leg out of the duvet and stares out of the window at the royal blue night sky, his need simmers under the surface but he wants to give Callum time to come down, he’s never been a considerate lover but he wants to find at least some way of looking after Callum the way he looks after him. Still, he doesn’t stop him when Callum runs his hand along the length of his body and finds himself saying, “Do it,” when he hesitates with his hand on his belly.

Callum has it down now, eases two fingers in and starts to press and stretch the way Ben likes it and lets out a groan at the obscene sound of his cum squelching with every thrust. He starts to lick his lips leaving them glistening cherry red and Ben knows what that means, knows he’s starting to get lost in a fog of lust and need again.

“Fuck me,” Ben growls and Callum whimpers like a kicked dog. 

Three times in one night ain’t bad, he wishes he’d had it this good as a rookie.

“Wanna feel you inside me, want you to fill me up.” 

Callum nearly knees Ben in the crotch clambering over him and for a second Ben’s life flashes before his eyes but then he’s settled between his knees and after drizzling some lube - which Ben wants to say they don’t need but doesn’t want to deal with the concern he knows Callum would react with - he’s pushing back inside and it’s all so fucking good, the plump head of his dick, the delicious stretch, the way Callum’s eyes roll back in his head like a man possessed.

He wants this, he wants this. He wants to be close, he wants to let go. He doesn’t want to be _I can be anything you want me to be_ he wants to be himself. God help him, he just wants it to be Ben and Callum, nothing between them, no artifice or evasion, just _them_.

“Feel so good, you’re so fucking tight,” Callum growls in a low voice Ben hasn’t heard him use before.

Ben giggles and Callum freezes. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. So much for all that.

“I thought you wanted me to.. before you.. I’m an idiot.”

“No! You ain’t an idiot. I’m an idiot. Fuck!”

Callum hauls himself to the furthest corner of the bed and pulls the duvet up to his armpits. Wounded, shoulders rounded, face a blank mask.

_Explain, just explain, just say words._

“I want you to be you, I want you to talk to me like you do, I want us to have a laugh.” Nothing. “I was scared.” 

Callum looks up at that with sympathetic eyes that Ben can barely stand. “Scared?”

“Scared to want it let alone have it. This don’t make any sense, does it? I’m sorry, Callum.”

“Makes sense to me. You know it does. Scared to want it let alone have it kinda sums up how I felt for half of my life.”

“I know! I know. I do. I’m just so fucking stupid.” 

Ben reaches for him across the divide and Callum moves towards him until they’re snuggled together, winding in closer and closer. 

“Do you wanna be stupid together?” 

Ben feels something break in his chest and realises he’s about to fucking cry. He nods but he doesn’t trust his voice enough to speak. 

Callum rolls their bodies and slots in on top of Ben like he’s found his place, like it’s meant to be. His heels fit perfectly into the hollows of Callum’s lower back and it’s heaven when he presses inside like their bodies were made for this, made for each other. 

“Love being close to you like this,” Callum whispers. 

_So do I._ “What else?”

“Love your hands on me.” 

“What else?” Ben breathes, getting lost.

“Love the way you look at me.” Ben can’t look away and Callum says he doesn’t need to, it fills his heart up.

Feeling bold, Ben starts to move his hips up to meet Callum’s thrusts, not the way he knows looks good but how it feels good for him.

“Love how you move,” Callum sighs, words pleasure slurred.

Ben bounces into Callum and he roots his elbows into the mattress, his fingers clawing at the sheets. Their intermingled moans and grunts grow louder and louder as the bed creaks wildly beneath them. 

“Love how you sound,” Callum half shouts like he’d go and yell it from the rooftops if he could drag himself away. 

Ben can feel this drawing to an end already and no, no for once he won’t give in just yet, he’s going to prove to himself at least that he has some fucking self control. He smacks at Callum’s arm to get his attention and gets him to turn onto his back.

Callum throws the pillows together in a pile and leans back against them and Ben is too stunned by the sight of this beautiful sweaty man with messy hair and a rock hard gleaming dick to remember what he was doing until he finds himself being grabbed with rough hands and manhandled to sit astride his legs and then his body takes it from there.

He sinks down on Callum’s dick slowly, s-l-o-w-l-y until he reckons he might lose Callum along the way if he doesn’t stop tormenting him if the indescribable sounds he’s making are anything to go by.

After a brief assessment tells him that he has Callum exactly where wants him - his pupils are blown, all the sinews in his neck are straining and his fingers are sunk painfully into the flesh of Ben’s arse - he pushes him down further into the depths of this by twisting his nipples roughly as he slides up and down, wiggling as he takes him deep just to see the look on his face.

He falls forward to suck the tender skin at his throat, fingers still working his nipples as he bobs up and down, the burn and the stretch scrambling his brain until he’s not sure he can take any more.

He braces his hands on Callum's shoulders and bounces fast, not giving a shit how he looks or sounds. Callum snaps back on the offbeat and holds his hips in a show of support as he works, sweat trickles down his back and along his temples in rivulets but he doesn’t care.

He keeps getting close and then losing it. Other blokes get bored, hold him still and finish themselves off. They don't get it takes concentration and effort to come like this, so used to just ramming their dick in and getting it done. But Callum doesn’t stop, keeps the rhythm, keeps watching his face.

"You can do it," Callum gasps. Ben knows he should find Callum cheering him on right now funny but it sends a bolt of pleasure straight through the centre of him.

A bead of sweat drips off his nose and his thighs burn but he doesn’t want to give up. 

"Don't stop. Don't stop. Don’t stop." Callum chants.

Callum’s arms start to quiver. 

"Oh Ben keep going please, please. Please. I need you."

Fuck. _I need you._ The words resonate somewhere deep inside, so close now he can almost taste it.

He lets go of Callum’s shoulder to seize a fistful of his hair and maybe it’s a mistake because he starts to shudder and jerk. 

"Ohhh Ben, I'm gonna come."

He feels Callum swell inside him and it’s the nudge he needs to start spilling, the feeling floods through him bright and gleaming but then the second wave hits and all he can do is hold still and grit his teeth through it, heavy metallic ecstasy spreading from the deep pressure of Callum’s dick and out leaving his ears ringing, his every bone aching. And the entire time, through it all, he doesn’t look away from Callum’s face once, he drinks him in, commits his face to memory as he comes.

Callum. 

Callum. He hears himself then saying his name like a prayer, like penance, over and over and over until it’s done. Until they’re both done. 

Ben pulls off only just clears Callum's dick before his legs give out and he slumps in a pile on the mattress.

"I can't feel my hands or my face or my legs.”

Ben tries to answer him but only a mangled noise comes out.

“You got all the pillows!” Ben whines.

Callum drags him into his arms and the riptide of sleep claims both of them in seconds.

  
  


Ben opens his eyes and immediately shuts them again against the burn. It’s what he gets for falling asleep soaked in sweat with his contacts in. His mouth is dry and his legs are aching and he feels like utter shit but the good kind of utter shit that comes from a fucking good time.

He heaves himself over onto his back and finds Callum sitting up in bed scrolling on his phone. 

“Alright?” 

“Water?”

“Ugh you’re a lifesaver!” Ben props himself up and Callum hands him a glass of water which he downs. “What time is it?”

Callum goes to pick up his watch then throws his eyes up and looks at his phone. “Quarter past six.”

“Why’re you awake?”

“I get up at six usually.”

“Urgh, might need to rethink a few things about you now actually.” Callum tuts good-naturedly, it wasn’t Ben’s finest joke but he appreciates the reaction all the same. “Right, I have to shower.”

“Sorry.” He mumbles.

“Oi!” Ben playfully smacks his knee. “We don’t have to do it again if you’re gonna be sorry about it.”

“I ain’t that sorry.”

Ben crawls over to him and kisses him. “Good boy.” 

He swaggers off naked to the bathroom and hears Callum fling himself down on the bed. The shower feels amazing and he’s not ready for Callum to be in here with him while he’s a mess, not yet, but for the first time he feels like maybe they’ll get there.

He pads back to the bedroom in a towel and his glasses.

“This weekend’s gone too fast,” Callum laments.

“It ain’t over yet.” 

Callum fishes through his bag and pulls out a tube of moisturiser. "Here." He clambers over Ben and smooths the cream into his skin. 

"This weren't exactly the facial I was hoping for from ya."

Callum doesn't say anything just concentrates on rubbing it in gently massaging through Ben's stubble and down his neck. Even this feels fucking amazing and Ben feels himself start to drift again as he sinks into Callum’s mound of pillows.

"We should try that, what you said, next time maybe."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah.”

Callum closes the gap between them and kisses him softly, kisses him like they have forever, kisses him like they are forever. He thinks of what Callum said earlier, _it’d feel like_ _we'd known each other before_. He was right, in a way. Being with him here, like this, it feels familiar.

Ben deepens the kiss and the sadness he was feeling about their bubble being popped come morning starts to dissipate. It’s not about having somewhere to hide away, it’s about finding that familiarity in each other. 

That’s what home is, he thinks, the safety of the known, a place that holds the past in a way that is comforting, soothing. There’s no place like home; he always wondered what that meant but here, now, in Callum’s arms, lost in his kiss with the memory of how their bodies fit together captured in every touch - it feels like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are hugely appreciated. Actually, while I'm here I wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who's commented so far and especially to those who've done so multiple times. Your words spur me on to keep writing and posting and I'm so grateful to you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with me.
> 
> I'm basically asleep as I'm typing this so tl;dr thank you!
> 
> Edited to add: thank you to Emily for the prompt of Ben + spanking, I hope you enjoyed this! 
> 
> I will update the summary with an eta on the next chapter when I've worked it out.
> 
> P.S I was listening to Holy by Zolita as I was writing the spanking scene and I would hiiiighly recommend checking it out.


	12. 31st October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's plans for Halloween were simple: pick Lexi up from her party, put her to bed and spark out in front of the TV but a call from Callum turns his night around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that in my little universe, Callum has already met Tubbs.
> 
> Part of this chapter was inspired by the fic 'Callum' by bookl0ver ✨
> 
> The line “intrinsic shrine” comes from the song Holy by Zolita.
> 
>  **Warnings:** References to overeating in the first three paragraphs, discussions of trauma but nothing graphic and mild D/s dynamics during the smut portion.

**_Halloween, 9.37pm_ **

Ben glances down at the huge bowl of sweets that the trick or treaters barely made a dent in and inwardly curses himself as he unwraps another one before shoving the huge pile of empty wrappers down between the sofa cushions. Out of sight, out of mind. Unlike Callum, who, if he's being honest, he can't _stop_ thinking about. Poor Callum, stuck on a night out with his bald headed freak of a brother, probably having a shit time but plastering on a smile because he’s good like that. 

His night was simple, first dinner at his dad’s so he could eat alone and in peace for once and then off to collect Lexi from her Halloween party and finally home in his glasses and trackies in front of some shitty horror movie shoving sweets in his face all before 10pm. 23 going on 50. He sighs and checks his phone for the hundredth time, he’s not sure what he’s expecting or hoping for but there’s nothing. He looks again at the photo Jay and Lola sent of themselves all dressed up in the Vic. The two of them had got so fucking vanilla, all that time spent doing themselves up just to go sit in their local. 

At least Callum had gone out out. Fucking Halloween. His mind wanders to an old familiar fantasy of kissing Callum bloody and rough, holding his wrists in the dark, monstrous and devouring. Maybe next year. Fuck, _next year._ He turns up the TV to try to block out the image in his head. What next? Is he going to start fantasising about fucking couples costumes? Start wishing they were in the Vic with Callum excitedly telling him that he can’t taste the spirits in his fruity cocktail and swearing blind that the loos are haunted? Nah, he doesn’t want that. He’s only thinking about it because even that would be better than _this._

He glances at the stairs, Lexi has been in bed for over an hour, surely he can have a drink now. He gets up to go to the kitchen and hears a scream, right on cue. Fuck.

His heart hammers in his chest as he races up the stairs, his legs betraying him, everything turning dreamlike and slow. He has an image of her being dropped off a railway bridge, slipping through his hands.

He smacks the hall light on so Lexi’s room is illuminated when he opens the door. His phone buzzes in his pocket but it doesn’t register.

She's sitting up in bed with wide eyes and he wants to say something reassuring but the words stick in his throat.

“Daddy, will you check under the bed for monsters?”

Relief floods him until he’s giddy with it, she’s safe, she’s okay. She’s probably just a bit freaked out after traipsing round this shithole all night in search of sweets he took off her and binned before they got home anyway. _You can’t trust no-one_ , he’d told her and she had nodded like she already knew.

“Errm.. do you really think a monster would dare come in ‘ere?” He puffs his chest out and she giggles.

“Just check!” 

He ducks down and looks under the bed except there is no under, it’s one of those divan beds that goes to the floor but he reckons that reminding her of that wouldn't go down well. “All clear.”

“If there was a monster I’d just tell it to do one!”

He chokes on his laugh. “Oh, would ya now? Well, in that case, you ain’t got nothin’ to be scared of. What would you tell ‘em?” He puts his hand in his pocket to stop his phone vibrating, whoever’s calling should’ve tried him when he was sitting on his tod.

She sits up and takes a huge deep breath and yells, “Do one!”

His mum knocks and peers into the room, she looks about ready to chastise Lexi for yelling at her dad so Ben steps in.

“She’s just practising what she’d say if there was a monster under the bed.”

“Ah! You ain’t gonna be able to get back to sleep if you get yourself all excited.” 

Kathy crosses the room and bundles Lexi up in the covers. Ben feels a pang watching them, he still remembers her gentle presence in his room before he lost her, before he lost everything. She cups Lexi’s cheek and he brushes his fingers over his own, he remembers that. His body remembers.

He’s brought back into the here and now by his phone buzzing for a third time. He pulls it out. Shit.

“Mum, I have to take this, it’s Callum.”

“Yeah, alright.”

“Say hi from me!” Lexi shouts and Ben smiles as he sees his mum wrestle her back down into bed. 

Ben rings him back but there’s no answer. He rings again and again and finally he picks up.

“Hey babe, how’s the night out with Fester?”

“Come get me.”

He sounds so small and far away.

“Of course. Where are you?”

“I don’t…” he sobs, “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, I’m gonna come get you, just breathe, alright?” He hears him take a heaving breath. “What area are you in?”

He hears Callum say something he doesn't catch and then louder, “Shoreditch.”

“Alright, I’m gonna leave now, I’ll call you when I’m there and I’ll find you, okay?”

“Okay.” He sounds so lost, like he’s fading away, disappearing, and then he hangs up. Fuck.

“Mum!” He yells, he doesn’t mean to. Kathy rushes out into the hallway. “Callum, he sounds bad. He’s in Shoreditch, I--”

“Go! I’ll look after Lexi.”

He kisses her on the cheek and hammers down the stairs, pulls on his boots and coat and races outside. Car. He runs to his dad’s house and bangs on the door, not stopping until Sharon answers.

“Car keys! It’s an emergency!” 

She roots them out and holds them hostage, eyeing him warily. “Ben,” she says, her voice velvet and comforting and for a split second he wants to dive into her arms, “Take a deep breath, you can’t drive like that.”

He wants to protest but she has the keys so he obeys and she throws them to him even though he’s still filled to the brim with nervous energy, she knows better than to refuse him but even so she puts her hand out to him as he turns to leave and calls after him, “Let me know when you’re home safe!” and he feels that pang again, that longing for something long since lost.

He runs to the car and starts driving in a haze. Callum is going to die, Callum is going to die and it’ll be because he wasn’t fast enough. He shakes the thought. No, he’s safe, he’s in a club, he’s just having a shit time. Who wouldn’t have a shit time with Stuart? If he dies, he won’t survive it. Not this time, not again, not him, please not him.

He floors it and is in Shoreditch in twelve minutes, nearly running down a bunch of teenagers in the streets as he pulls up outside the Lighthouse but it doesn’t matter because he’s here. Except he can’t see Callum anywhere. He rings him. No answer. It takes three gos before he picks up and by that point Ben’s stomach is churning.

“Come outside.”

“I am outside.”

“Shit, wrong fucking place.” Callum audibly winces. “No, I ain’t angry, just wanna get you home safe.”

“It’s blue.”

“Gotcha, there in 2.” He keeps his phone to his ear as he pulls out. “Hold on, Callum.”

“I’m holding on, Ben.” _Fuck fuck fuck._

He screeches to a stop outside The Book Club and sees Callum shivering and hugging himself. He’s alive, he’s in one piece. He made it. He’s not too late. He slumps against the steering wheel, just a brief moment of weakness, and then springs out of the car and goes to him, cups his face and rubs his sides. 

“I’m here, come on.”

“My jacket…” Callum says, glancing over his shoulder.

“Fuck your jacket, we’ll get it tomorrow, yeah?”

He nods frantically and Ben deposits him into the passenger seat, takes off his coat and covers him with it and does up his seat belt before jumping in himself and cranking up the heat.

He drives carefully the whole way back to the Square, squeezing Callum’s thigh in a way he hopes is reassuring and glancing at him whenever he can, catching every angle of his blank face in the city lights.

He pulls up outside the parlour and turns to Callum with a smile but he looks horrified.

“My keys! They’re in my jacket!”

“It’s ok! It’s alright. I.. I still have a key.”

Ben leads them inside and plonks Callum on the sofa and finds blankets to wrap him in, vigorously rubbing his back until he stops trembling. He breaks away to make some tea but keeps his eyes on Callum the whole time. 

“I have to ring Stuart.”

He swallows down the _fuck him_ that’s his first instinct and offers to do it himself instead. Callum agrees and hands Ben his phone. He puts an extra sugar in Callum’s tea and kneels to give it to him, phone pressed between his ear and his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s Ben. Callum asked me to pick him up, he’s at home, he’s fine.”

Stuart says something that Ben can barely make out and then a barrage of questions come with the implication that this was Ben’s idea and he stole him away. He keeps his cool for Callum, maintaining a smile as he looks up at him. “Like I said, he’s home and he’s fine. Enjoy the rest of your night.”

He hangs up and puts Callum’s phone on silent and slides it across the coffee table. “Tea ok?”

“Mmm.. yes.”

“Good.”

He wants to ask what happened but he feels the silence grow not comfortable but necessary so he leaves it and sits next to Callum, stroking him and pressing the occasional kiss to his arms and shoulders. 

When Callum finally says he wants to go to bed, Ben startles at the sound of his voice as if he’d forgotten either of them had voices, forgotten even that they were more than the press of their bodies.

Ben leans in the doorway of the bathroom as Callum’s pees and then he settles him in bed with a glass of water. He falls asleep in an instant, or so it seems. Ben watches him as his breathing deepens and just like that, he’s alone in the dark. 

He wanders into the living room and puts on a lamp and turns the TV on low to try and ease the anxiety coiling in his gut. He looks at his keys where he threw them down on the kitchen table. Jay would kill him if he knew but he couldn’t bear to take Paul’s keys off his keyring. He has this fantasy, it wasn’t a conscious thought, more like a dream, that maybe one day he’d unlock the door and find Paul waiting for him, asking where he’d been all these years and welcoming him home. He could do without that thought tonight but he can’t shake it. He stares at the pink walls, at the difference, at the proof the world has moved on and it hits him then, hard and painful, that he’s moved on too. He stares until his eyes burn.

He needs a smoke. He needs a drink actually. He finds a beer in the fridge, all the hard stuff long since poured away to facilitate Rainie’s recovery and not replaced by the flat’s two skint occupiers since she went inside. 

He drags a dining chair over to the window and opens it wide and leans out to light his fag. It was on his profile that he doesn’t smoke and he doesn’t, not really, but he’s been called out enough times for saying the odd one or two a day doesn't count. Thing is though, anyone who disagrees is wrong, Ben’s long since learned that it takes a lot more to call something a habit, to call it a commitment. Anyway, he’s not addicted, he just likes how smoking keeps his hands busy and heats his throat, how it gives him an excuse to walk away and get some air when things get on top of him. Jay once said he had an oral fixation and to be fair that was probably part of it.

He remembers his promise to Sharon and thinks of his worried mum and texts both of them, _Hey picked up Callum back at his now xx_

They both reply and he reads neither. 

“Ben?!” He jumps at the sight of Callum staggering into the room.

“I’m here!” He stubs the fag out on the windowsill, chucks the butt then yanks the window closed. When he turns he finds Callum is already at his side, standing so close that there’s no space between them so Ben rocks up onto his toes to kiss him and whispers, “I’m here, I’m here,” into his mouth.

With gentle but sure hands, Ben leads him back to bed and sits up against the headboard next to him, ready to watch over him as he falls back to sleep but Callum shifts so he’s lying in his lap and curls up tight, his complicated cat nuzzling into his stomach. Ben pets his hair and strokes his ears and thinks about telling him he’s loved but decides against it.

“Nothing happened, it’s so stupid, I’m so stupid.”

Ben shushes him. “It ain’t stupid, is it? Not to you. So it ain’t stupid to me.”

Callum nuzzles into Ben’s lap and he’s glad he’s wearing his soft jogging bottoms. 

“It was so busy and loud and a bunch of lads came in wearing uniforms, army, I mean and I felt myself getting angry ‘cos it ain’t a costume. I had a few more drinks and I was missing you and thinking all these things,” he takes a breath and it comes out as a broken sob. 

“Come here, come here,” Ben doesn’t even know what he means, just knows that he needs to see Callum’s face. He rolls over and looks up with huge tear filled eyes. “Now then, look at you.” 

He smooths his thumb across Callum’s cheekbone and along his jaw and the dimple in his chin.

“When I saw you outside the bar I ain't ever been so relieved. You're the only person I wanted to see and not 'cos I don't have anybody else.”

He wants to argue and remind him that he has his brother and-- and who? Whitney, if a friendship is salvageable from the wreckage. Jay and Lola, but they're his first. Mick, whatever the relationship is there. He traces over his eyebrow and smiles down at him, hoping he can feel the love straining against his ribs towards him.

“I've always known I was gay. I've always known.”

Ben runs his fingers through his hair. “It ain't wrong.”

“I know. I see the way people look.”

“Fuck 'em.”

"I see how they look,” Callum perseveres, “and I just wish they understood." A tear slips across the bridge of his nose. 

"You gotta find the ones that do and not waste your energy on those that don't." Ben keeps carding his fingers through his quiff until his hair falls soft and loose. He looks beautiful like this.

"My brother don't get it. I told him you make me happy. I told him how much I--" he thinks better of whatever he was going to say, "and he still says he don't get it, he's chuffed for me, don't get me wrong, he is, but he don't _understand_." 

He reaches for Ben’s hand and interlaces their fingers.

"I feel like I'm just gonna fade away. Nobody understands what it was like over there, nobody understands this but us, even Jay said it weren't obvious - me and you."

"That's just him having a go at me, he thinks you could do better."

He shrugs slightly. "Why though? I know what I want. I know what we have. I just want to be someone."

"You are." Ben squeezes his hand.

"All my army mates, if you can call 'em mates, telling me about myself at his memorial. It made me feel so… so stupid. I just wanna be me."

_Memorial?_

"When was this?"

"Few months ago-- don't matter." 

He hisses and moves onto his back. 

"I'll never know what it was like, but I can understand fear, loss, pain.” He laughs, it’s not funny. 

"I know, I know that. That’s why we--" Callum jumps and wrenches his hand away to rub his leg. 

"Can I do that?”

"It's all in my head apparently," Callum spits.

"Seems like it's all in your leg to me."

"No, no, the doctor said--"

"Whatever this poxy doctor said ain't gonna help me understand what's going on for you, is it? I wanna hear _you_."

"It's like a shooting pain down here."

"Show me."

Callum moves to the other side of the bed and settles down on top of the covers and takes Ben's wrist to guide his hand along his thigh. 

Ben kneels up and starts to massage his leg. "Harder? Softer?"

"That's good."

Ben slips off his hoodie and works his hands all over, down his calf and up to his hip and eventually Callum turns over and hugs his pillow, a soft smile playing on his lips as Ben squeezes and kneads, listening to the soft sound of Callum humming. This act feels sacred, ritualistic, his hands seeking out Callum’s pain.

“Nobody’s ever touched me before.”

Ben’s hands falter but he keeps going. “Well, whenever you’re feeling down, I’ll be here to feel you up.” Callum giggles and it’s the best thing Ben’s heard all night. "Does it still hurt?"

"Will you stop if I say no?"

"Course not."

"No."

"Good." Ben slips his hands under Callum's shirt and his hum turns into a long, low moan. 

Ben’s fingertips ghost over Callum’s sides and press into the hollows of his lower back, find the spaces between his ribs and bump along his spine. When he pushes his palms along the planes of Callum’s back he grips the sheets, when he tickles his neck his toes curl. He’s never felt like this, so greedy, so obsessed; it's intoxicating. He drags his fingernails across Callum’s thighs and he twitches and sighs and Ben can’t resist putting his arms around him and squeezing him tight, the press of their bodies as heavenly as ever. He pushes his hands under Callum and feels him lift into him, fitting against him. He smells of sweat and Ben breathes him in, God, he makes his mouth water. 

Callum wriggles and turns in his arms until they’re face to face, legs intertwined. Callum kisses him fiercely, groaning and gasping and Ben bites back; he wants to fucking devour him. He searches for the hem of his t-shirt and slides his hand over his bare skin until he finds his nipple and the way Callum grabs at him with desperate hands makes him burn.

" _Ben.._ "

Ben pulls back enough to meet his eyes, blown bright and searching. "I'm here, I’m here."

“Ben, I…”

“What?”

Callum opens his mouth and says something that’s drowned out by the sound of the door to the parlour hitting the wall. Fuck. Fucking Stuart.

Callum pushes him back but Ben holds onto his arms at the elbows, not wanting to let go. There’s thumping on the stairs and then the bedroom door flies open and Stuart fumbles the light on and looms in the doorway dressed as a vampire. 

“Oh, my heart! My poor broken heart! Ditched for your _boyfriend_.” His voice cracks and wavers belying the huge smile on his face. 

“Sorry, bruv. I weren’t feeling well. Let me get you to bed, yeah?”

Ben tries to hold onto Callum but lets go when he makes a decisive move off the bed and then he’s gone. He listens as he pours a glass of water for Stuart and makes him drink it. Stuart babbles about how he’s meant to be the one doing the looking after as Callum talks over him in low, soothing tones until he stops. Ben takes off his jogging bottoms and socks and plumps the pillows and makes himself comfortable under the duvet to wait for Callum.

With the light on, Ben sees just how exhausted Callum looks when he comes back into the room but he decides not to comment in case he takes it the wrong way. He closes the door and leans against it with a deep sigh. 

“Day Whit moved out, he moved in.” He drags his hand over his face. 

“You didn’t ask him?”

Callum shoots him a look. “I didn’t say no.”

Ben knows it’s pointless saying anything so he just pulls a sympathetic face and holds out his hand to Callum who turns out the light and kneels up on the bed, thick thighs parted wide. 

“Oh my God.”

Ben falls forward and crawls towards him pulling himself up using Callum’s shirt until he’s between Callum’s legs and slings his arms around his neck. Callum finds his mouth and their kiss, dirty and biting, makes Ben feel like he’s drowning; slick and suffocating and he doesn’t ever want to come up for air. He drops his hand between Callum’s thighs to stroke his dick and feels him grow hard and throbbing in his palm as he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. Callum’s hands tear at him and pull him apart. He tastes of beer and heat and--

Stuart throws the door open and stumbles into the room to stand by the window. “Thought you might wanna watch a movie but I see you’re busy, as always.” 

Stuart can barely stand he’s so drunk so he rests his hands on the bed, it feels like a violation and Ben wants to scream at him to get out but Callum is calm and still and this isn’t his fight. He moves his hands to Callum’s sides and feels how he’s struggling to regulate his breathing, all calm on the surface, turmoil beneath it.

“Go to sleep, bruv. We’ll have breakfast in the morning, yeah? Just me and you. My shout.”

“Is this ‘cos of the lads in army gear? Everyone just wants to be a hero for a night.”

Ben feels Callum tense up.

“The uniform don’t mean you’re a hero, Stu. And that ain’t why I.. it weren’t about that.”

“You’d be my hero if you came and watched a movie with me.” 

Callum shakes his head, “Go to sleep, Stuart. You’ll feel better tomorrow, everything always seems better in the morning, don’t it? Remember you used to say that to me when I was a kid, rest your head, it’ll all--”

“--It was shit talk though, weren’t it? I was just trying to get you outta the way so he didn’t--.” He balls his fists and grunts in frustration. “Fuck!”

“Bruv, we’ll talk in the morning, yeah? I love ya.”

Stuart deflates, his shoulders rounding out and his head lolling forward. For the first time, Ben sees he’s capable of something other than anger and hate but he refuses to feel any sympathy. 

Stuart sways towards the door and bangs it closed and for a moment everything is peaceful again but it’s shattered by a loud metallic clang and then Stuart yelling, "Stay in there, then!”

“The fucking bolt. He's locked us in. God, I’m sorry--” 

Ben lightly smacks his chest to get his attention. “Don’t apologise for him, I’ve told ya.”

“He’s gutted about Rainie…”

“It’s fine, I can call Jay to come let us out if you want--”

“Nah, nah. I’m alright, if you are? I’m sure he’ll open it soon..” there’s a loud crashing sound from Stuart’s bedroom, “...or when he comes round.”

“Ain’t the first time I’ve been locked in for the night.”

“What, here?” Ben raises an eyebrow. “Oh! Oh, yeah, ‘course.”

Ben throws his arms around Callum’s shoulders and kisses him softly at first and then deeper but it feels off, cold.

“You worrying about your brother?”

“You said… you said you always wanted to date a hero and then the other night you was on about my uniform.”

Ben squeezes his ears, God, he loves his ears. “Babe, it’s just a good old fashioned uniform kink,” he laughs but Callum doesn’t, “I just think it’s hot that you--”

“--I ain’t a hero.”

“Alright.” Ben holds his face, “Well, I ain’t a villain.”

“Do I make you feel like that?”

“What? When you get a hard on when I’m being bad?” He’s joking.

“Yeah.” Callum isn’t.

“No. I know you ain’t lily-white. That’s not why I like ya. I don’t have some hero complex. I just think it’s hot, ya know, ‘cos you’re hot and.. and uniforms are hot,” he takes a breath and waits for Callum to rescue him but he doesn’t. “You know, you can handle yourself and, you know..” he trails off.

Callum scrunches up his face. “Alright. But, you said it, you said you bet I loved the army, all that pent up testosterone.”

“You’ve got a good memory.”

Callum wriggles out of Ben’s grasp and wanders slowly over to the wardrobe as if it were a lure. He reaches inside and hangs a garment bag on the outside of the door then unzips it slowly.

“There were things, things I could have had. So many things remind me of the pain and the fear and--” he takes a shaky breath. “This reminds me that I wanted… that I wanted to fade away. I saw them blokes out tonight in their costume uniforms, having a laugh, _belonging_ and it just-- it just brought it all back..”

Ben realises he’s reaching out to Callum so he pulls his arms in and hugs himself instead and watches him, his face obscured by darkness, the silence so heavy it fills him up and rises like bile in his throat.

“They belonged to each other and to something bigger than themselves…” Ben gathers that he’s talking about the army now. “But I.. I let Callum go, I wanted to. It was the only way to protect myself. I thought I had to, I thought I didn't have a choice.”

“Plenty of blokes only know me and my old cellmate as Speccy and Tubbs. It felt safer. Safer than being Ben and Charlie in there, ya know?” No way is he telling Callum his real nickname in there, he'd like to keep at least a shred of self respect. 

Callum rocks from foot to foot, “His name is Charlie?” Ben can hear the smile in his voice. “ _Charlie_?” 

“Watch it! You’re mine, remember?”

“Oh, am I?” Callum comes closer, still out of reach but closer.

“Yeah. You’re mine, Callum Highway.”

“I’m yours, Ben Mitchell.”

He turns back to the garment bag. “You wanna see it, don’t ya?”

Ben swallows hard. He can’t figure out the right answer so he decides on the truth. “I.. Fuck, I do.”

“I binned the boots.” He says putting on his trousers. “You should see the way you’re looking at me.” 

“Sorry, shit.”

“Nah. You’re alright. Shall I see if the shirt still fits? Leaving this on though,” he pulls at his t-shirt.

The shirt still fits, of course, and he does up all the buttons and smooths it down. “I don’t fancy looking in the mirror, is it…?”

Ben nods. It is, yeah, it is whatever he’s asking. He comes over to the bed and Ben scrabbles towards him.

“Callum, I see you,” he says and then low, intimate, “I understand what you had to do to survive. But I see you. You didn't fade away, you won't. I see you, Callum Highway.”

Callum shudders hard and for a moment Ben’s worried but then he licks his lips leaving them shining.

“This room, we’re locked in,” Ben begins, “It’s just us, we...” 

“Belong to each other,” Callum finishes. 

_Oh._ He was going to say _we understand each other._ Shit.

Ben guides him onto the bed and counters with, “We belong to something bigger than ourselves.” 

“What?”

Ben waits for Callum to settle on his back, still looking up at him with a puzzled expression and then he looks him over, taking his time, taking in every inch of him, overwhelmed by how much bigger he looks in his uniform, how much more imposing and yet he's laying here in submission.

This,” Ben whispers.

Callum spreads his legs under Ben’s gaze and he has to bite his lip to stop from saying what he’s thinking, that he wants to fuck him, no, that he wants to make love to him, that he wants to make him feel everything.

“This,” Ben says again.

He leans closer and Callum moans before he even touches him and it’s almost more than Ben can bear, to be so wanted, to be so desired by someone who knows him, who knows what he’s done. He pulls his collar just enough to kiss his neck where the fabric sat and then lets it go.

“We belong to something bigger than ourselves.” He ghosts his hand between Callum’s legs, barely grazing the material of his trousers and Callum arches his back towards him, the roll of his body following the slow path of his hand. “To this.”

He hopes Callum gets it, what sex has always meant to him; it’s something bigger than himself, something to get lost in and offer himself up to. It’s his religion, swallowing body and blood on his knees, hymns rendered in moans and sighs. And Callum is his convert. 

Ben roughly pulls Callum’s collar out of the way and kisses his neck hot and sweet and when he hears Callum exhale, he sinks his teeth into the soft flesh of his throat. The harder he sucks, the more Callum squirms and soon Ben’s pulling at the buttons of his jacket to expose the hollow at his Adam’s apple and the long line to his shoulder, marking them as his territory. 

With his mouth still at Callum’s throat, he slips a hand inside his jacket and finds his nipple through his undershirt and Callum bucks his hips when he flicks his thumb over the peak. 

“Your body… I want to know… I want to know it all…” Ben mumbles against Callum’s neck, hopes he hears, hopes he doesn’t. 

Callum says, “It’s yours,” like it’s obvious and a deep molten heat sweeps through Ben’s belly. 

He hauls himself up with a grunt and pins Callum down, knees tight to his hips, holding his wrists in a steel grip to kiss under his ear, biting and sucking until he finds the spot that makes Callum strain against the hands holding him down and cry out; soft, sweet cries that only Ben has ever heard. 

“It’s mine,” Ben growls.

He sits up, slowly, maintaining a grip on Callum’s wrists and looks down at him. He doesn’t know where to start. He wants and he wants and he wants and his heart bashes in his chest, a white dove beating frantic wings against the cage of his ribs for the neophyte between his knees.

He relinquishes his hold and unbuttons Callum’s jacket and pushes up his t-shirt. With the lightest possible touch, he follows the indents of the scar at his side and then bends to kiss it, his eyes on Callum even though it’s too dark to see how they shine. 

_Your body is mine to worship, an intrinsic shrine._

Callum tries to open his legs under Ben but he won’t allow it, not yet. 

Ben licks up over Callum’s ribs, tasting his salt skin, learning the breadth of his chest. He circles his tongue around the fragile skin surrounding his nipple and gets closer, his hands curling at his waist to feel how his breath shudders and catches. He flicks the tip of his nipple with his tongue and then uses his teeth to graze and Callum’s belly shakes. 

Ben lets him go and moves off him to the edge of the bed before he even knows why and when he sees how he throws his legs open and his hands go to the slats of the headboard he understands then what his body already knew. He takes off his clothes as Callum watches, he feels powerful like this, always at his most devout when he’s stripped bare. 

He opens the curtains and a stream of street light illuminates his good soldier spread out and whimpering on the bed. Ben strokes his aching dick as he watches him, his peep show lover, his fantasy. He crawls over him again and moans at the rough scrape of his fatigues against bare skin. 

He brings both hands down with a sharp crack against Callum’s nipples and laughs, wicked and dark, when he yells out in pain. When he brings his hands down again, Callum whines a long drawn out, _p l e a s e_.

Ben crawls up the bed and holds the headboard, straddling Callum's chest and Callum licks his lips and nods. Ben trails the wet head of his dick across his mouth, shivering at the bristle of his late night stubble and then pushes inside, just the tip at first but Callum uses his tongue to slide against the ridge and down and he forgets himself, keeps moving forward until Callum gags. Even choking, he doesn’t use his hands as a buffer, he keeps holding onto the headboard as if Ben tied him there. Ben pulls back just enough to give him space to breathe and then rocks gently, barely able to process the heat and the tightness and the press, intense pleasure spreading through him.

“You’re so good, God, you’re so good.”

He dares to look down at Callum’s eyes blown wide, his lips stretched around his dick and then back to the white knuckle grip of his fists. His glasses start to fog at the sight, every desperate begging prayer he’s ever uttered now answered.

_I’m not worthy._

He’s supposed to be in control and he’s falling apart. Callum sucks hard and hums around Ben’s dick, his sweet contented hum as if he’s exactly where he wants to be. It scares Ben, it excites him. He doesn't want to ruin Callum but what can he do if he wants to ruin himself?

Ben gazes down at him and moves, shallow, careful movements, not because he doesn’t think Callum can take it but because he knows he can’t. He draws himself free of Callum’s mouth and a long line of drool mingled with precum connects them from the tip of his dick to Callum’s swollen bottom lip. He wipes Callum’s chin clean with the back of his hand to sever the connection, to try and still his racing heart but Callum bites his lip and stares starry eyed at Ben’s glistening dick and fuck, he wants more, he can't deny it and he can't resist. He rocks forward, his legs shaking now, from arousal not excretion and presses back inside Callum’s mouth. He hollows his cheeks and works his tongue and Ben watches, enrapt, as his eyes glaze over. He loves this, he wants this. Ben sinks deeper feels the familiar pull that tells him he’s already close.

He slides out and nearly loses it when Callum swirls his tongue over the head of his dick just as he’s pulling free. His dick throbs and he grimaces as he shuffles down the bed, trying with all his might not to brush his burning hard on against any inch of Callum knowing it would tip him over the edge if he did, the sight of him in his uniform already dangerous enough.

When he comes to rest, bent over astride Callum's hips, Callum lifts off the bed, an act of levitation from a man possessed and kisses him and Ben, tasting himself in his mouth, kisses back double hard. The night is silent save for the sounds of their teeth clacking together and the smack of their lips, it's dizzying, all consuming. He could come like this, just from a kiss. Suddenly he can't take it anymore and he shoves Callum back down onto the sheets with a grunt. 

Ben opens the button and fly of Callum's trousers and yanks them down and then his boxers and takes his hard dick into his mouth, hungry and jealous, wanting a taste for himself. He teases Callum’s slit and looks up at him to see his head thrown back. He fists his dick a few times, letting his ring hit the ridge the way he likes it until a fresh spurt of precum rolls over his fingers. Callum’s knees are spread as far as he can get them with his trousers caught at his calves but it gives Ben enough room to slip slick fingers from the root of his dick across delicate skin and down to his virgin hole. 

Callum sits up and reaches past him and Ben watches in stunned silence as Callum takes his trousers and boxers off one foot so he can fling his legs wide only to then resume holding onto the headboard like nothing happened.

Ben wants to tell him off but when he opens his mouth to speak nothing comes out.

He strokes his dick with that twist in his wrist that Callum loves and presses a precum slippery finger into the head of his dick and down, down slow, so slow, pushing against the tender skin beneath his balls and down. 

Callum licks his lips and rattles the headboard, Ben knows what he’s thinking and he wants to see it so he whispers, “You’ve been so good, do it, it’s okay.” 

Callum hesitates but then drops one hand to his chest and squeezes his nipple with a glorious sigh of relief and Ben watches him, watches his face for the right moment to dip his finger into the well of his hole and revels in the way his mouth falls open and his eyes roll back. 

“You like that, rookie?” 

Callum nods. 

He presses in, just the tip of his finger, and Callum’s dick bounces and bobs. Ben keeps alternating between stroking his dick and teasing his hole while Callum plays with his nipples, eyes fixed on Ben until both of them relent and grab for each other, mouths crashing together in a deep, dirty kiss. When their dicks brush together there’s only stars and white hot heat. 

They fall and settle facing each other, legs tangled up, dicks sliding together, Ben clinging onto Callum’s jacket. Fuck it feels good, so good. He wrestles Callum onto his back and bites his nipple, trying to keep the connection but losing it. 

“Oh fuck, Ben, I just wanna come.” 

Ben stops. Fuck. Not yet, not like this. 

He takes a deep cleansing breath and thinks. 

He tugs at Callum's trousers, “Get these on,” he barks.

“What?”

“Don't play games, Callum, I know you heard me. Get. These. On.”

Callum swallows thickly and follows Ben's orders, managing to get his foot into his boxers and trousers and then pulling them up to his thighs. “Please don’t make me close ‘em up.”

“Do it.”

Callum hisses as he pulls his boxers over his straining dick and zips up his fly with shaking hands. “You’re a sadist,” he gasps.

Ben laughs, “And what does that make you?”

He steps off the bed and falls against the door and Callum follows, wordlessly, and drops to his knees at his feet with a thud. Callum takes Ben’s balls into his mouth as Ben tangles his fingers in his hair and fuck, _fuck_. The deep delicious pull of it makes his eyes roll back even though he wants to burn the image of Callum in uniform at his feet into his mind forever. 

Callum licks a stripe along his dick and then swallows him halfway, bobbing up and down, taking him further and further down, down. Ben rubs his shoulder and messes with his collar, hardly knowing what to do with himself faced with this good man kneeling at his altar. It’s too much, it’s all too much, the fucking uniform and his hot mouth, the way he presses his tongue as he sucks. He curls his toes and makes a fist with his free hand and tries to breathe but this, this is transcendent and sublime and he is only human. 

“Callum, I’m gonna come.”

Callum doesn’t pull away and Ben sees nothing but pitch dark black as he comes, shooting into his pretty mouth. He hears himself loud but he can’t stifle it, pleasure ricocheting through his body in waves until his legs give way. It’s always so good with him, _too_ good with him. 

Ben stumbles to the bed and collapses on to it only to find Callum still kneeling, wiping away a dribble of cum from his chin and licking it off the back of his hand. Ben reaches off the bed for Callum’s jumper feeling shivery and exposed, tonight was meant to be for Callum but he lost control, he lost sight of the mission. Slipping the jumper on feels like comfort and he turns then to Callum and sees him staring up at him with a look he’s never seen before but which sends a thrill up his spine. 

“I can’t...” his voice is so quiet that Ben has to hold his breath to hear him. “I need to… Please, help me.”

Ben goes to him and kneels behind him and rests his face against his back and wraps his arms around him and feels him hot and rigid. He reaches under his t-shirt and twists and tugs on his nipples then drops his hands between his legs, undoes his trousers and releases his dick through the opening in his boxer shorts.

“I'm not going to touch your dick but you’re going to come for me when I tell you to.” He rubs his nipples and Callum groans, fingers digging into his own thighs. “You’re mine, Callum. Your body. You.” 

He flicks and twists his nipples but it’s not enough, he’s still in one piece. He pushes two fingers into Callum’s parted lips and he groans and his body sags against Ben like he's boneless. He sucks hard, salivating and greedy, every breath coming out in a grunt. Ben pulls his fingers free with a pop and drags his thumb across Callum’s gaping mouth as he traces spit slick lines around the peak of his nipple. He makes that sobbing noise of his and Ben shifts to look at him and finds a sight beyond imagination; camo stretched over thick thighs and his dick straining and bouncing, the swollen head turned cherry red, precum drooling from the slit.

“Callum, I’m gonna count down from a hundred and if you haven’t come by the time I reach zero,” he bites along his neck to his ear, “you can stay down here all night. On your knees. In the dark.”

Callum whines and leans hard against Ben. The heat radiating from Callum's back is infectious and Ben, fever hot, sweating and ravenous, sinks his teeth into his throat and feels his pulse jump against his tongue. 

He starts to count with his lips brushing Callum’s bruised and tender skin and Callum thrusts his hips into the air, animal, feral, as if it’ll do any good, his dick waving obscenely. 

Ben keeps his tone low, low and works his nipples hard and rough.

He purrs, “Fifty,” into Callum’s ear to let him know he’s reached the halfway point and he whimpers, his hands shaking with the strain of trying to hold on while trying to let go. 

The sinews in Callum’s neck jut against Ben’s lips and he jerks his arms as if he’s trying to free them from a restraint, Ben didn’t even tell him to keep his hands on his legs, he's just that obedient, that good. Ben realises then that he could have everything he wants and he doesn’t even need to say it out loud. He nearly loses his place in the countdown but recovers, concealing his misstep in a biting kiss beneath Callum’s ear.

The last thirty seconds are frantic, Callum’s movements wild and the sounds he makes inhuman, beastly and vulgar, until finally, finally he breaks apart and comes with a strangled yell on _Ten._

It’s the most perfect thing Ben has ever seen, Callum shaking and jolting, his body Ben’s and Ben’s completely, given over, a sacrifice to the divine, spilling salt uncontrollably onto the bedroom floor.

Ben decides to take mercy when he sees how he shakes and sobs and he strokes his dick through the comedown and Callum, good-hearted Callum, finds it in him to pant out a stream of thanks. 

When he's finally spent, Callum falls forward onto his hands and Ben manhandles him towards the bed, heaving and pulling until he’s diagonal across it, breathing heavily and drenched in sweat. He undresses him wordlessly, pulling his trousers off first and his soaked sticky underwear - which he is definitely going to ask to keep, a souvenir of their first Halloween - and then easing him out of the jacket. His t-shirt he leaves and he manages to manoeuvre him under the covers. 

Ben spots the still full glass of water he fetched earlier and he props Callum up and watches as he drains it and then he lays him back down, caressing his face and kissing his cheeks.

“Callum, are you with me?”

“Mm…” 

“Tired?”

“Mm...”

“But ok?”

Callum nods slightly and smiles with his eyes closed and before Ben can probe further, his breath is falling in the gentle rumble of sleep and he’s gone. Ben settles beside him and makes a vow to stay awake in case he needs him.

Something loud shocks Ben awake and he opens his eyes to the blurry shape of Callum looking over his shoulder towards the door. The bolt. 

“Ugh half fucking four,” Callum slurs.

Ben tries to settle back against his chest but he presses a kiss against his temple and slips out of bed and Ben hears him getting dressed and watches as he leaves the room.

He hears talking, a low murmur that he doesn’t bother to tune into at first until he catches Stuart saying that he’s sorry. Good. Callum talks in an upbeat tone and soon there’s laughter and the sound of someone’s back being slapped which Ben figures means they’re hugging. He turns on the bedside lamp, puts on his glasses and stows Callum’s fatigues away safely in the garment bag and hangs it back up inside his wardrobe. Something about them lying on the floor felt wrong or sad or maybe some combination of the two. 

Stuart makes a loud noise and Ben creeps over to the door to listen.

“Look at the state of ya!” 

“Leave off, bruv,” Callum says.

“Thank God you got that on Halloween, at least you can tell everyone it’s off a vampire.”

Callum says something that makes Stuart swear he’s only joking and then it’s quiet. Ben almost gives up and climbs back into bed when he hears them again.

“Your smile! You have got it bad, brother.”

“Shut up, Stuart, I’m warning ya.”

“I know what a man in love looks like, it’s written all over your face.”

Ben gropes around on the floor for his boxers and jogging bottoms and bursts out of the bedroom before he’s even sure why he’s doing it.

“Gotta…” he gestures towards the bathroom and both brothers nod in unison and for a second he’s caught rabbit in headlights in their gaze, the thought that they look alike passes over him like someone walking over his grave and he shudders. Fuck. 

Stuart calls after him as he closes the bathroom door saying that he's sorry but Ben ignores him.

Stuart says, "Aww he's wearing your jumper!" and Callum tells him to fuck off then there’s silence. Ben takes a piss and washes his hands and swigs some mouthwash. The thought that he should really keep a toothbrush here crosses his mind and makes him feel instantly worse.

Callum’s leaning against the kitchen counter on his own, all soft messy hair and dimples, and his face lights up with a bright smile when Ben opens the door.

“Sweet freedom, ey?” Callum twirls around with outstretched arms and Ben can’t stop himself from laughing. 

“Mm.. I wouldn’t’ve minded being in lockdown if I’d been sharing a cell with you.”

“You coulda done a lot worse than Charlie to be fair.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Callum shrugs and grabs a handful of Ben’s borrowed jumper to drag him back to bed. “Just sayin’.”

"Yeah, yeah, I ain't exactly disagreein' with ya, I guess."

Callum laughs his huge laugh and they fall together under the sheets.

Ben tickles the wine red love bites on Callum’s neck and forgets completely what they were talking about. Callum hangs his head to one side to expose his throat for him and something creeps up through Ben as he looks, perhaps a taste for this, although that he already knew, a feeling that he did the right thing, maybe, a kind of reward. 

“Callum."

"Say it again."

"Callum Highway."

Callum gestures to his own neck, “It’s beautiful, ain’t it?” 

Ben nods. It is, but it feels strange to hear it but that’s Callum, always speaking the unspoken. 

Callum leans in for a kiss and he tastes minty fresh, the alcohol and the metallic twang of panic gone, the desperate ardour of his touch now turned feather soft and tender. But still Ben’s even in the quiet, calm hours before the dawn as much as he was in the dark of the night.

Callum breaks the kiss and looks down between them. "So.. um.. do I only get massages when I'm in pain?"

"’Course not."

"Will you…?"

Callum settles on his stomach and pulls his pillow into a hug. He wonders if it does hurt and Callum just doesn’t want to say, he wonders how many times he’s been in pain and hidden it. 

"I only wanted to be touched."

 _Oh._ Ben’s heart sinks. All that time on his own, pushing himself down, erasing himself and all he wanted was to be touched. Somehow it’s both better and worse than he thought.

He wants to ask, _By who?_ but he’s a coward so he bites his tongue.

Maybe it doesn’t matter who because for now, at least, he has an answer of his own. _He wants to be touched by me._ Ben makes a silent vow then to touch him, to touch him the way he wants, the way he _needs_ , without ever waiting to be asked because asking is not in Callum's nature but that doesn't mean he deserves to go without. 

He presses the heels of his hands into Callum’s back and he hums sweet and soft. He drinks in the shape of this man who is a hero because he steadfastly claims he isn't one, who he belongs to and who belongs to him.

Eventually Callum falls back to sleep and Ben snuggles against his back and stretches his arm across him, savouring the way his body feels. "You're mine," he mumbles into the fabric of Callum's sleep shirt. It makes him smile to say it, even when he knows it won't be heard.

He plays Callum's words, _We belong to each other,_ round and round in his headuntil it doesn't just feel like words anymore, it feels like truth.

"And Callum," he whispers, "I'm yours." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and thank you so so much for each and every comment on the last chapter, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
> 
> I’m taking a **short** break from this fic now that we’re done with October because I'm in the middle of moving but I won't be gone for long! x


	13. 4th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before the Terry Bates funeral and Ben has dinner plans with Callum but his mind is on other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to refresh your memory.. in the episode this chapter carries on from, Mel told Ben that she knew a dirty little secret and piqued his suspicions over Sharon selling her half of the club and Ben promised Jay that he'd help him carry out his plan at the Terry Bates funeral the next day.
> 
>  **Warnings:** There's no smut in this chapter but there is the start of some oral sex which ultimately doesn't go anywhere. Alcohol consumption.

_**November 4th 2019, 7.46pm** _

The parlour is always too hot. Les said grief makes people cold, something about the shock. Grief made Ben boil with rage and guilt but tonight he’s filled with sadness and grateful for the warmth. 

He pours two tumblers of whiskey slowly and carefully, the only way he knows how to keep a steady hand, and pushes one across the table until it’s just out of reach of his fingertips, eyes trained on the glass and his own wrist, not daring to look up. The glass is returned empty and pushed back towards him to refill, which he does, and then passes it back the way it came. 

“Shall we raise one?”

Ben startles and looks up into Jay’s eyes. “To what?”

Jay shrugs but lifts his glass anyway. “To this.”

“To us?” Ben offers.

Jay doesn’t answer but he does swallow his drink in one and Ben does the same, both of them practised enough at this not to let the burn show on their faces. 

"You ain't alone.”

Jay barks out a laugh. If Ben wasn't a coward he'd say they needed to talk about what he did, he'd admit that leaving a note and running away destroyed both of them. He'd tell Jay that he missed him in Portugal, that he misses him still. He drops his gaze again, committing the wood grain in the table to memory in the hopes that something here might begin to feel familiar in a way that doesn't hurt.

"Lola's gonna try to stop us tomorrow."

" _Nothing’s_ gonna stop us.”

Their history runs between them like a river, so loud they can barely hear each other over the rush. There was a time when they were on the same side of it, two defiant kids against the world, when Jay still took his hand and held it, whispered words of devotion and promise in the dark until dawn, sat across from him in prison as the only tangible reason he had to stay alive. 

He looks at his brother and wishes he knew what to say.

"Saint fuckin' Terry. Pass us the bottle over."

Jay reaches for it but Ben blocks his hand. "You need a clear head for tomorrow."

"And what about you? You really want me to believe these are your first of the night?"

He’s not wrong, he’s never wrong. Ben slides the bottle towards him and watches as he swigs from it. 

"How'd we get here?" Jay asks and Ben shrugs. "Nah seriously, I'm asking ya."

"Slippery fuckin' slope, int it? One wrong step and suddenly your whole life is a house of cards."

"The first wrong step weren't even mine." He looks towards the shadowy Chapel of Rest. "I screamed until my ears were ringing." He takes a long swallow and Ben keeps his eyes on his throat the whole time.

_I'd burn down the whole world for you._

"We are fixing this tomorrow.”

"No, Ben, we ain't. This can't be fixed."

"Maybe none of it can."

Jay drags his hand over his face. "Out with it then. What's he done now?" Ben shoots him a questioning look. "Phil."

"Naw, nothin', it's Sharon…" Mel’s words play through his head again, _Happy families and dirty secrets._

Jay takes another long drink, eyes set on the dark, dark doorway of the room that contains the man who sealed his fate. He doesn't say anything when Ben doesn't finish. 

"I ain't alone," Jay repeats and belly laughs like it’s funny.

Ben's body jolts in his seat, willing him to leave but he stays rooted to the spot. 

"I will be here tomorrow."

Jay puts the bottle down and slides it across the table into Ben's open hand. 

"I know, I know you will,” he says it like he believes it, which is something.

"You're my brother."

Jay rises to his feet, suddenly, and Ben does too on reflex and they both stand in the half dark in silence, confused. Ben goes to him and puts his arms around him and it feels like sheer pure relief when Jay falls forward and for a moment puts his arms around him. Ben rubs his back, small circles against the bones of his shoulders, fingers finding the ridges of his spine even through his jacket. 

_Please, please keep him safe._

Jay retracts like he’s folding in on himself and Ben pulls back to search his face but he’s looking towards the entrance.

"Sorry to interrupt.”

Ben jumps hard and follows Jay’s gaze to see Callum standing watching them. He drops his hands from around his brother and they both stare at him as he stands awkwardly, too big for the doorway.

“I heard voices. Sorry. Should've thought. Of course it's yous two. I don’t know why I came down. Either way, it ain’t my business is it, not after hours. I just got worried. Not worried. Concerned. I'm an idiot--"

"Callum, mate, take a breath," Jay says.

He shuffles and tugs at the hem of his shirt. His nice shirt. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck they had dinner plans. 

"Fuck, Callum, I was thinking about--" he glances at Jay, "It slipped my mind I'm sorry."

"He's not stood you up to sit here in the dark with me, has he?" Jay asks.

"Aw that's alright, I know you got all this…" Callum gestures vaguely. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, mate, yeah. Ancient history, innit? Enjoy your dinner." Ben grabs hold of Jay's sleeve and Jay takes his hand only to let it go just as quickly, "See ya tomorrow, bruv."

"I'll be here," Ben says, his voice low in an almost whisper.

Jay nods, glances down at the whiskey and back at Callum and seems to think better of taking the bottle in front of him and leaves slapping Callum on the shoulder as he goes. 

"Drink?" Ben asks.

"Nah, empty stomach, I'd be smashed after one."

"Come here." 

Callum hurries towards Ben who meets him halfway and they fall into a deep, hungry kiss, Callum’s hands firm around Ben’s neck and his tongue down his throat and it feels better than the booze. He should try to remember that.

When Callum breaks the kiss, Ben tells him he’s sorry, so sorry. 

"It's alright. You've got a lot on your mind. To be honest I was surprised you wanted to do something the night before."

He wants to tell him that he shouldn’t be surprised, that he wants to be soothed by him, built up by him. They sink into another kiss and this time Callum’s hands roam to his waist, his back, holding him firm, making him shiver.

"I knew it was you,” Callum breathes, “I came down before I even thought it through. I just wanted to see ya. I needed to see ya.”

"Are you okay?"

"I just. I saw Whit before. You should see how she looks at me now."

Ben's heart sinks like a stone and he shifts out of Callum’s grip. 

"I dunno what I would've done if we hadn't've had that weekend together after what happened with Leo… think I would have fallen apart."

Ben swallows down the horror of his realisation that he didn't even ask, barely even thought. Callum was suffering, hiding out at his house and he didn’t even realise. 

"I err... I know what you mean about that weekend.”

There's a flicker in Callum's expression, Ben knows he wonders about his work, about what happened to leave Ben in such a mess that Friday night. He'd run for the door if he knew he'd dangled the fruit and veg man off the railway bridge. 

They stand in the mess of everything unsaid.

"You and Jay, you'll be careful, won't ya?"

Ben knows he should take a breath before he speaks but it all comes out in a rush. 

"Why you asking? Last I checked you ducked out at the first sign of trouble and told me to deal with it. Well, I am." He gets closer, "My way, my business."

"I know, I--"

"Thought you could stop me?"

"No, I wouldn't, I won't I, I… I don't want to. I just," Callum lets out a shaky breath, "I just wanna be useful. You're right. First sign of trouble I was ringing you and next thing I’m wandering around the Square, too ashamed to go up to the flat before the end of my shift. Mrs. C always did say I was about as useful as a chocolate teapot."

Ben softens. Who did he think he was talking to?

"I'm sorry. I'm just worried about my brother but I will look after him tomorrow. I swear to you."

"I know."

"And you are useful." 

He scoffs. "Right. I ain't even on tomorrow. Everyone knows why."

"No, they don't. Us lot know. You're too close to it. To us."

Callum ducks his head and smiles. "Jay's been so good to me, ever since I moved to Walford."

"That's Jay." He feels an indefinable heat spread through his chest. "Come here.”

Callum kisses him again. Ben knows what it's like to have someone see you differently, for it to feel irreparable, he should tell Callum that he can sympathise but it’s not the same. He did nothing wrong, in Ben’s case it was always warranted. Anyone who didn’t look at him like that just didn’t know better yet. He should reassure Callum, tell him he’s good, tell him Whitney will come around, he should tell him about tomorrow, he should tell him he’s scared that his family is about to be blown apart and he’ll be left to shoulder the his father's burdens alone.

They keep kissing instead and bite and swallow at it all until there's nothing left. Until it doesn't matter. Until all the things they can’t say are in the pits of their stomachs and they can go on and find some semblance of happiness instead. When Callum pulls away, Ben is left in a daze where everything is in soft focus and nothing hurts and that has to be better than spilling shit, some of it decades old, he’d only have to gather it all back up again anyway. Nobody ever knew what to do with it but he’d learned how to carry it. Sharp stubble and soft lips and big hands on his body makes the load easier to bear, why would he risk losing that so soon?

"Let’s go to dinner,” he says, because he should not because he wants to.

"Is that what you really want?"

"Honestly?" Callum nods eagerly. Ben feels on edge, his skin burning and he says, "I wanna come," because it’s his default, his fallback. It’s never the wrong answer, it always leads to something other than talking, something he can’t fuck up.

Callum walks him backwards into a wall and he bangs up against it and fuck it feels good, it feels good to feel out of control, even for a second. Callum drops to his knees with a painful thud and starts unzipping Ben’s jeans.

He lets his head roll back and his eyes fall closed. Callum sucks his balls into his mouth and digs his fingers into the flesh of his thighs just the way Ben likes it. 

"Fuck. You are useful Callum you're so good."

The pull is good, Callum’s talented for a rookie, he knows how to use his tongue and doesn’t forget his hands. But he can't get hard. He can always get hard. Or if he can’t, he knows how to distract so the other guy forgets but none of that will work on Callum. He pulls Callum’s hair, loves the way it makes him moan, recalls the sound of his knees hitting the floor, thinks about the way he submits to him and how it makes his body sing, he thinks about the way he always wants him, he breathes into it but: nothing. 

Callum rests his face against his leg, his warm breath washing over Ben’s flaccid dick like a bad joke. 

"It ain't you."

Callum pulls Ben’s boxers back up and presses a kiss against his stomach before he stands up as Ben closes his jeans. 

Callum captures his face and kisses him chaste and soft, it’s too tender, he doesn’t deserve this. Not after a fuck up like that.

"Mm.. you taste of balls."

Callum rolls his eyes and for a second they’re just left looking at each other, unsure, and then Callum's stomach rumbles loudly. 

"I have leftovers, I could go heat 'em up and we could eat--"

"--in here?"

Callum looks surprised but nods. Ben just wants to hide away tonight, not go out or deal with Stuart. 

Callum disappears upstairs and Ben pours another drink and closes the door to the Chapel of Rest then turns on a lamp and switches the radio on low. When Callum appears again he's changed into a soft jumper and his blue jeans he serves up a vegetable lasagne and salad and passes Ben a beer. Ben eyes the lovebites still visible on his neck and can’t help but smile. _He’s mine, he’s mine, he’s still mine._

The first forkful is delicious but it turns to ashes in his mouth, the second makes him feel queasy, the third makes him gag. 

"It's so good, babe, I just ain’t as hungry as I thought."

"You're alright. You don't mind if I..?"

"Course not."

Callum digs in, clearly starving and Ben should feel bad for making him wait so long for his dinner but the truth is, it's a thrill to watch him eat. Everything Callum does makes his blood sing in his veins.

Callum clears the plates and takes them upstairs and Ben can’t stand sitting waiting for him so he wanders into his office and reads the sticky notes dotted around his desk, telling him to remember stuff, some motivational quotes.

Callum appears in the doorway. 

"You talk to yourself?" Ben asks, a note stuck to his finger.

"You don't?" 

"I'd rather do other things to myself." He sighs at his own fucking stupidty.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" 

Ben freezes. "Talk about what?"

"Anything. You don't have to tell me nothing but you can still talk."

"You what?"

Callum shakes his head. "Nothin', sorry. While I'm here.."

Callum moves a few things around and sorts some bits into the filing cabinet while Ben watches from his desk chair. 

He leans over the desk and writes a note, _Callum! Call engravers!_

"I'll do this one tomorrow."

"On your day off? Above and beyond."

"Because I forgot to do it today."

"Ah."

"Don't tell Jay."

Ben mimes locking his lips and throwing away the key. The thought of running to Jay to tattle on Callum makes him chuckle. As if.

There's a lull where Ben watches Callum fuss and his mind wanders back to Sharon and to Mel's words, _You Mitchells think you're pretty perfect, no dirty little secrets, shame I know different._ When he starts to speak it's only because he feels as though the words might crack his chest if he doesn't. "Sometimes it's hard to know what to do when it comes to family, you know? Even if you wanna do the right thing, it all comes down to loyalty in the end."

Callum looks thoughtful as if Ben's actually said something worthy of consideration. "Yeah, I get that. People have to earn loyalty though, even family. I learned that the hard way."

He wants to ask what Stuart ever did to earn his loyalty but he knows it'll only wind him up so he leaves it.

"That ain't the way it goes in my family; you ain't loyal, you ain't a Mitchell. Right and wrong don't matter, it just matters what side you're on." Callum opens his mouth to speak but Ben waves a hand to stop him. "I was just thinking out loud, finish what you were doing."

There's a long silence in which Callum writes himself another note and busies himself with something Ben suspects doesn't actually need to be done. 

"Look at you, busy little bee. I'm finally on top of things at work but it never lasts, no rest for the wicked."

Callum scribbles something and sticks a note on Ben. He pulls it off his shirt and reads it, _you ain't wicked_

"Mm but you like it when I am."

Callum rolls his eyes and writes something else, _i like you all the time._

Ben smiles and pockets it. 

"You staying? We could watch a movie?"

"I gotta get up early and get ready."

"I'll get you up early."

Ben shakes his head, no, he’s had enough embarrassment on that front. As if he needs to wake up to Callum trying to coax a stiffy out of him on a day like tomorrow.

"My stuff's all at home, I need to--"

"--Don't worry about it."

He doesn't feel like he can stay hanging around in the dark parlour now he's turned down the offer of snuggling together watching a movie so he goes to leave but Callum pulls him into a hug. 

"Text me goodnight?"

"Yeah, course."

He holds on for an extra few seconds after Callum lets go.

His jacket is a little too light for the cold of the evening and he starts to shiver even just nipping home but it feels good, it’s better to feel like this than let himself get comfortable. He goes in through the back door and finds Lola washing up. 

"Lex is already in bed."

“I was busy?”

"I weren't having a go.” She watches him carefully. “Did you sort stuff with Jay?"

"Yeah.” He juts his chin and makes sure she’s paying attention. “You don’t need to worry about all that," he says it as a command not a reassurance.

She drops the dish towel. 

“He listened to ya then? You made him see sense?”

“Yeah. Of course I did.” 

She swallows hard and retrieves the dish towel from the floor, hesitates for a moment like she would press further if she thought it would get her anywhere and then turns back to the sink. 

“Thanks Ben.”

"I'm.." he gestures away and she nods without seeing. 

He goes up to his room and gets his glasses and contacts, a pair of jogging bottoms and a t- shirt and goes to the bathroom for his toothbrush. 

He changes into his grey coat and leaves out the front door so as to avoid another conversation with Lola and finds himself pressing the buzzer at the funeral parlour before he realises that he should have called first or, better still, stayed home. But Stuart answers before he can turn around.

"It's Ben. Is Callum..."

"Come up," he sighs. 

Ben finds Callum waiting for him at the top of the stairs, his eyes light on the backpack slung over Ben's shoulder and a huge smile blooms on his face. Ben kicks off his boots and hangs up his coat all proper while Callum watches, buzzing with anticipation, his eyes on Ben’s bag the entire time.

Taking his hand, Callum drags him into the bedroom and whirls around to shut the door behind them.

"Are you staying?"

"If you'll have me?"

Callum lunges for him and Ben instinctively steps back but finds himself grabbed anyway and lifted off the floor into Callum’s strong arms. 

"Is that a yes?" Ben chokes out.

"Hmmm still thinking about it."

Callum tries to spin him around but stumbles and deposits him by the bed instead, drawing him into a slow kiss. When he asks if he still wants to watch a movie, it sounds like heaven, like something he never thought he’d have again, normality and intimacy entwined and he nods because nobody wants anybody to hear their voice to crack over something so small. 

Both of them change into jogging bottoms and Ben swaps his polo shirt for one of Callum’s cosy jumpers then goes to the bathroom to switch out his contacts for his glasses and pads back into the bedroom in socked feet and his hands balled up inside his sleeves like a kid. Callum looks at him like he hung the moon in the night sky, no hint of anything but adoration on his face.

Ben crawls into bed and starts to pile up all the pillows and cushions that Callum must have bought once the room was his alone. He likes the thought of that, Callum excitedly going shopping for as many soft things as he could find to surround himself with at night. He snuggles against a grey fluffy cushion and watches Callum bend over to plug in his laptop charger and feels a pang of disappointment when he stands up.

“You sure you plugged that in right, babe?” 

Callum looks confused and bends over again to check, his light grey jogging bottoms perfectly framing his peachy arse. 

“Wait. Are you just trying to get a look at my bum?”

“Yep.”

Callum straightens up and opens his laptop over the bin, shaking it gently.

"Biscuit crumbs,” he offers, by way of explanation.

"Oh, of course."

Callum settles in next to Ben and as they browse through Netflix, Ben nuzzles against his chest until he can hear his heartbeat, steady and soothing and he watches his hands as he moves the cursor across the screen. He could do this all night, he doesn’t really care what they watch but then Callum scrolls past an old favourite of his.

" _When Harry Met Sally_...!"

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah, you've.. you've seen it, right?"

"Hmmm…” Ben smiles at the vibrations running through Callum’s body as his hums. “I don't think so.”

"Put it on then.”

After hitting play, Callum wraps his arms around Ben and strokes his hair with gentle fingers. Ben half falls asleep on his chest, buoyed by his gentle laughter and sighs. The movie is so familiar to him that he doesn’t need to pay attention and so he concentrates instead on the sensations of Callum's body against his own.

“What’s wrong with wanting to be held all night after?”

Ben glances at the screen, it's the plane scene where Harry tells Sally that all women want to be held all night after sex and all men just want to get up and go home.

“Nothing. It’s just a bit weird with someone you don’t know.”

“Oh, I suppose so. I couldn’t do that. I ain’t judging, I just think I’d feel too awkward. I mean, I dunno.”

Ben leans forward and hits pause and reluctantly sits up to face him.

“You didn't seem awkward after our knee trembler back in June, actually I remember you kissing me goodnight until I couldn't remember my own name. I reckon if you didn’t have anyone waiting for ya, you would've stayed the night. ‘Specially if we’d been in a nice soft bed instead of on a park bench.” 

“Course I would've. I knew you though and you knew me.” 

Ben swallows hard. “Yeah.”

"And I err... I like the holding."

Ben smiles. He does too. 

Callum leans forward to hit the spacebar and Ben settles back down against him but he doesn't drift this time for fear of his thoughts straying to fantasies of spending every night together in each other's arms.

They reach the halfway mark where Harry and Sally dance at a New Year’s Eve party and, knowing they can’t kiss, rush outside just before midnight and watch the other couples enjoying each other as they stand apart. This was the scene that always made Ben cry, he knew too well the pain of standing with someone you wanted to kiss, knowing you couldn’t, breaking your own heart. He looks up and sees Callum gone still and nudges at him, pulling himself up by Callum’s jumper until their lips meet and they share a kiss, a brief stand in for all the ones they denied themselves and eventually fall back into each other’s arms.

As the credits roll, Callum closes the laptop lid and ruffles Ben’s hair.

“That was lovely, ten out of ten, I reckon.”

Ben giggles, does he always have to be so relentlessly adorably earnest? 

“It was my mum’s favourite, I asked her why a while back and she said she liked that Sally didn’t take any shit.”

Callum chuckles. “I can see that.”

“After she… when she weren’t in my life anymore I tried to remember all the things she’d said, _When Harry Met Sally..._ came on the telly one night and I remembered her saying she liked it, watching it was like a gift…” 

“Like a bridge to her?”

Ben shuffles. “I guess, yeah.”

“I feel that when I cook.”

Ben wants to ask what he means but he hears Callum’s heart start to race and he decides to leave it.

“It had to be you,” Callum whispers to himself.

Ben digs his phone out of his pocket and starts playing the version of _It Had To Be You_ that played at the end of the film and pulls Callum in for another kiss, a kiss that goes on past the end of the song until he can't remember where they are or what they are and tomorrow is forgotten, briefly, and the pain is pushed down with all this tenderness. 

When they pull apart, Callum leads Ben to the bathroom, scooping up his backpack on the way and they brush their teeth elbow to elbow.

"Figured I could leave this here?” Ben gestures with his toothbrush. “And my spare glasses. My eyes were burning last time I stayed over."

Callum blushes pink and then his ears start to burn. “Yeah alright.”

"It's… it's just easier. Ya know. Since we're fucking." Ben feels stupid as soon as it’s out of his mouth, he should know by now that he doesn’t need to overcompensate like this with Callum, that he’ll only see right through him anyway. 

Callum bites his lip to hold back the grin forming. "Just two blokes who are fucking. That's us."

Ben steps back, amazed, only for Callum to turn on his heel and walk back to the bedroom all loose limbs, swinging round the doorpost like a kid as he goes.

Ben shuts the door and watches, aghast, as Callum flops down on the bed. 

"Alright, Highway, what the fuck?"

"You said it." He licks his lips and rolls onto his belly. 

Ben straddles his hips and digs his fingers into Callum's sides, tickling him as he squirms and giggles. 

"Seriously, Cal, what the fuck?"

"I just like it!" He bunches up his pillow and buries his face in it. "We're fucking," he mumbles, voice muffled.

Ben leans over to whisper in his ear, "We're sleeping together.”

Callum wiggles until Ben rolls off him and they tangle together, noses an inch apart.

"Oh, nothing to see here, just the man I'm fucking leaving his glasses in my bedroom." 

"Stop! You're such a dork, I might just take ‘em back if you don’t shut up."

"Such a dork, ey? A dork you're--"

Ben wrestles him onto his back and their mouths crash together but they're both laughing so hard that they give up on kissing and fall into each other’s arms instead, Callum finding his place in the crook of Ben’s neck and burning him up with his hot breath. 

Stuart knocks and Callum rolls towards the door still in Ben's embrace, hands clasped and legs entangled. Stuart looks shocked when he sees them holding each other as if cuddling is the last thing he expected. 

"Err.. Goodnight then.”

"Night, Stu." 

There's a long, awkward pause before he smiles tightly and backs out of the room. 

"He knows he--"

Callum shushes him until he hears the light being flicked off and Stuart's door being closed. 

"He does know he don't have to say goodnight, doesn't he?"

"He's still excited about us living together." 

“Me and Jay used to share a room. His bed went that way,” Ben holds his hand up vertically, “and mine went,” he turns his hand horizontally. They both laugh even though it isn’t funny, it’s just the only thing Ben can think to say about him that doesn’t make his heart ache. “I miss him,” slips out before he can stop it and shove everything back down.

Callum rubs Ben’s chest with sure hands. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Ben whispers.

“Don’t want to or can’t?”

“Bit of both.”

“It’s okay.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow.” 

“You can.. Don’t matter.”

Ben strokes his fingers through his hair until the product is worked out of it and it’s soft and loose around his face and then kicks his legs until he’s freed up the duvet enough to pull it over both of them.

“Maybe I could tell you, if you want, maybe I could tell you here? If you want we could do this again tomorrow?”

He feels Callum smile against his chest. “Yeah, I’d like that. You know.. You know you can stay here whenever you want. Even if it’s after Lexi’s gone to bed. Even if it’s just..”

_Even if it’s just to sleep._

Ben’s heart thunders in his chest and he curses himself for not having better control of himself, for letting Callum feel his panic so viscerally.

“Thanks, you’re a sweet guy, Callum.”

“A sweet guy you’re sleeping with.” He chuckles.

Ben’s actually weirdly relieved not to hear him saying _fucking_ again after humiliating himself earlier and to be fair, _sleeping with_ is more accurate tonight. 

Fuck.

Ben takes off his glasses and stretches out his arm to slide them onto the bedside table and switches off the bedside lamp and hovers his arm in the air for a moment, unsure, before wrapping it around Callum and squeezing him tight. Callum hums softly until it turns to a gentle rumbling snore and Ben stares up at the ceiling.

He thinks of Callum wanting to fade away, becoming Halfway instead of letting the world see him. His sweet, gorgeous, sincere man. He thinks of Jay, of how desperately he wished for him to become a Mitchell. All anyone wants is to belong. Terry Bates took that away from Jay, displaced him. And Ben would do anything to take that pain from Jay but he'd always be grateful that he was given to him, a brother, someone who didn't make him feel hard to love. He could barely stand it. 

To his horror, he realises he's crying. Just a tear sliding across his temple and into his hair at first and then a wracking sob cracks his chest like thunder and he can't stop after that, the bed shakes with the violence of it. 

Callum wakes up and holds his face and he tries to shove him away but he holds fast and pulls Ben into a hug. 

"It's gonna be okay." 

"I don't even know why I'm crying."

"Just let it all out."

Ben decides to take the permission or realises he doesn't have a choice and cries into Callum's shoulder while he envelops him. 

The storm passes and Callum passes him his glasses and the tissues but doesn't put the light on knowing Ben won't want to be seen like that. 

"You can take back me coming over tomorrow if you want," he blows his nose, "you can do better than a bloke who cries and snots all over ya." He laughs but he isn't joking. 

"Don't be stupid."

"That's kinda my whole thing."

Callum kisses him softly. "I could hear your tummy rumbling before I fell asleep."

"That's my fault for not eating your lasagne."

"Everything ain't always someone's fault, Ben. Let me make you something, since we're up. Cheese toastie?"

Ben leans over and puts the lamp on and meets Callum's glistening eyes and nods. 

In the kitchen, Callum starts to busy himself placing everything down as quietly as possible while Ben swings his legs perched on the counter top. 

"Wow, where'd you learn how to do that?" Ben whispers as Callum slices the cheese. 

Callum holds the knife up and Ben raises his hands. 

"I spent most of my childhood hungry, I like feeding people. You can put love in your food."

The smile falls from Ben's face. 

"You served up love to the troops?"

"Every time." There's a beat where Callum looks devastated and then he rights himself, plasters on a fake smile that sends a shudder up Ben’s spine. "Close your eyes, don't want you seeing my secret ingredient."

Ben covers his face with his hands. When he hears the sizzle of the bread hitting the grill he looks back to Callum watching him with a soft expression. 

Ben’s eyes flit around the kitchen, he has an image of Paul filling two wine glasses. He shakes his head clear.

“Thanks for buzzing up earlier and not using your keys. Stuart would have wondered--”

“--I wouldn’t, Callum. I swear to you. I’ll give them to you now.”

“Did you keep them because… why did you keep them?”

“For a while this flat felt like home. Paul. Pam and Les. They were family. When they gave me a key it meant everything.”

“The day of my.. of the wedding…”

“Tiff told me Whit hadn’t gone through with it, I thought about ringing ya but I figured you wouldn’t answer. I wanted to make sure you were okay, I knew if I pressed the buzzer I’d be stuck for words so I just let myself in.”

“I’m glad you did.” 

Callum licks his lips and braces himself against the counter for a moment before leaning down to the grill and putting the sandwiches onto plates. 

"You have to pretend there's garnish."

Callum leads the way to the dining table and lifts their chairs out as quietly as he can. Callum has half a sandwich and Ben one and the other half of Callum’s. They eat in silence, sitting next to each other, arms pressed together, Callum rubbing Ben’s foot with his own.

After a while Callum says, "I know it can't be easy for you being here, in this flat,” and squeezes Ben’s thigh.

"It was green. The walls."

"Sounds better than pink."

"Just barely.” There’s a long silence that Ben can barely stand so he breaks it. "Tell me your secret ingredient."

"No."

Ben tuts. "I like to know what I'm putting in my mouth." 

The rest of the meal passes in silence but they move closer and closer until their ankles are wound together under the table.

Callum kisses Ben’s cheek before he clears their empty plates, all sweet and domestic and then they brush their teeth together again.

Back in the bedroom, Ben takes out his phone and finds a photo of him and Paul in the flat.

“Green.” He says, not sure what else to say.

“That’s a beautiful photo.”

“Mm yeah, back when I had a hairline and a waistline and it wouldn’t have taken me six months to pull you.”

“You’re gorgeous and it didn’t take six months.” He elbows Ben. “You look really happy.”

“I was.” _I am._

Ben swipes the photo away and leans out of bed to retrieve the charger from his backpack and fiddles around plugging it in while Callum sets an alarm. Ben wants to tell him that he’s surely the only person under sixty who still uses an alarm clock but he bites his lip.

“Half seven? I’ll be up before then but, you know, better to be safe than sorry.”

“Yeah, half seven.”

Ben takes off his glasses and hesitates. He pulls out a tissue and takes out his hearing aid and leaves it on the bedside table. He’s never done that in front of Callum before. Callum smiles faintly and cuddles against Ben’s chest as he turns out the light. Then sits up and turns it back on. 

He says something in a low tone that Ben doesn’t catch. “Hang on.”

He props himself up on his elbows to watch Callum’s lips. 

“You’re staying here tomorrow?”

“Yeah, if you--”

“--You and Jay, you’ll come back safe?”

“Jay has to do this, Callum. That scum,” he points through the floor, “killed his dad in cold blood. If you’re about to tell me I should think of the business or give a fuck about...”

“I’ve already nearly lost you once.” Callum cuts over Ben. “I ain’t doing it again.”

“I’ve got Jay’s back and he’s got mine, we’ll be okay.”

“Call me as soon as you can.”

“It’s a funeral, Callum, I ain’t gonna be checking my phone.”

Callum lays down on his side of the bed and sighs. 

Ben turns the light off for the final time and pulls Callum’s arms away from where he’s hugging himself and lays half on top of him and eventually Callum starts to stroke his hair and after a while he holds him and rocks him gently in his arms. He’d die for Jay if it meant he’d know he loved him. But nobody’s asking him to die. It would be easier if they were. He’d take another bullet over calling Callum and hearing his relief. 

He plays the plane scene from the movie over in his head. _How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that's your problem._

He wants to climb out of bed and run out into the street but he envisions himself turning the key in the door of his flat in Portugal, not his brother’s house round the corner. He can see himself walking inside, slipping off his shoes and feeling the relief of cold marble against the soles of his feet and pouring himself a whiskey. With nobody else to think about, he would listen to a little music, get a little drunk, watch nothing out the window and make plans for himself. But then he went and got a boyfriend and found a shop where he could print photos of home; of Jay and his mum.

He always does this and it’s because he’s weak, he always ends up full of longing and eventually finds himself in someone’s arms. 

_Somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem._

When Callum’s arms go heavy with sleep, he eases himself out of bed and puts on his glasses and puts in his hearing aid and wanders into the living room. 

The night feels infinite just after midnight, sometimes in a good way, often not. He goes to his coat hanging in the hall and slips a hand inside like a pickpocket. He looks at his keys caught on one finger and for a moment he can’t recognise any of them. Before he even knows what he’s doing he finds himself prising open the ring and sliding the keys to the parlour flat free. They’re not his anymore, they’re keys to a home that no longer exists. Carefully he places them down on the sideboard and looks at them. Symbols of trust. Trust he broke when he got Paul killed. He shakes the thought. 

Trust given and broken. A lifetime of it. And Callum trusted him enough to let him keep those keys, wasn’t even angry with him for having them without saying anything. He arranges them differently, like a ritual, and waits in the dark for something to happen. With the doors closed it feels like he’s alone but the dead are below him and a man who tried to kill him and one who wants him to live are sleeping here as he should be. He’s never alone anymore. 

Tomorrow maybe he’ll restore some of the trust his brother once had in him. One day, Callum will hand back his keys to Jay and he’ll ask about the extra set and even if Callum doesn’t rat him out, he’ll know. It’ll be another thing Ben never told him, another pain they didn’t share.

Or maybe he won’t notice at all. The night of Callum’s flat warming party, Jay put him to bed and said _Sorry bruv, I never thought_ and he asked if Ben wanted him to stay knowing he did and knowing he’d say he didn’t. If Ben had been able to stand he would have gone after him when he left. Story of his life.

He looks again at the keys. The one for the deadlock to the parlour door, the Yale and a third that opens the thin partition door up to the flat. 

Once, Sharon asked him to change all the locks so his dad, drunk and belligerent, couldn’t get in. As he knelt on the carpet with his tools laid out around him, feeling useful for once, she and Jay had praised him. _Prison did you good,_ Sharon said and then squeezed his shoulder, the sharp jab of her long nails making him turn to look up at her, _I didn’t mean it like that, I meant to say that I’m proud._

He has his boots, his coat, his keys. He could leave. He doesn’t want to leave.

 _How long do you like to be held? All night, right? See, that's your problem._

Callum is fast asleep and snoring when Ben goes back into the bedroom. Ben places the keys on his bedside table as quietly as he can and gets ready again for bed. Climbing in behind Callum, he nuzzles against the vast planes of his broad back. In his sleep, Callum rolls over and pulls Ben close. In Callum’s world, Ben will call to let him know he’s safe and slip into bed with him at the end of the night. Callum’s world is so warm and soft, even just imagining it breaks his heart. But part of him wants to let himself believe that it might happen, just this once. That the light might get through and shine on him and his brother tomorrow. 

He sleeps in snatches, his body forcing him back to the surface every time he starts to sink. Eventually the room takes on the grey tinge of morning and he knows that soon he’ll have to go home and put on his suit. Callum stirs in his sleep and winds an arm tighter around Ben. 

He held Ben all night. He knows he shouldn’t let himself hope for the best when time and time again he’s felt the mortification of his hopes being dashed. But he wants a bit more of this, of this soft, warm world and so he lets himself believe in it, for once, he lets himself hope for the best. _Maybe tomorrow I’ll come home safe and he’ll hold me all night long._ The thought settles and it doesn’t hurt the way he thought it might. 

He manages to look over Callum’s shoulder and he sees there’s half an hour before the alarm, just able to make out the number seven without his glasses. Half an hour to dream, to believe; it feels like a gift, like a bridge to Callum’s world. He snuggles closer and imagines tonight, deep kisses and rough hands and falling asleep wound together in a bundle of pillows and cushions. He thinks of their clothes in a singular pile on the floor and their toothbrushes together in a glass by the sink. He thinks of coming home to Callum and falling asleep, exhausted and spent in his arms. 

When the alarm goes off, Callum blinks awake and smiles at him.

He groans and stretches out his back like a cat. “Mm... Slept late, too comfy,” he says, rolling over to silence the alarm clock. 

“I’ll call you later and I’ll see you tonight.”

Callum turns back to him with the softest smile. "Yeah?"

Ben nods, certain now he's heard it out loud. 

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean to take such a long break from this fic, thank you so much for your patience and for reading. I've never written something so lengthy with no smut in it so I hope it was enjoyable!


	14. 5th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set the night after the previous chapter, Ben is shaken up after the Bates funeral and looking to get back some control. 
> 
> **PLEASE READ THE NOTES**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _  
>  **PLEASE READ:**  
> _  
>    
> **Just a note for the sake of transparency, I edited this chapter to make it softer. Comments on this chapter were left prior to the edit. (Oct 2020)**  
> 
> 
> **D/s dynamics are explored here and although it's consensual, the consent is not consistently explicit although it is implied. This is definitely not for everyone.** This is a bonus smut chapter so PLEASE skip it if you're not into it.

**_November 5th, 7.34pm_**

Ben throws open the door of The Vic and swaggers inside, he knows he looks good in his three piece funeral suit and yet not a single punter even glances in his direction. It makes him smile for the first time all day, this place really is reliable. Fuck it, he’ll just tell himself they’re too shit scared to look at the Mitchell son, even if it’s appreciatively. 

He sits at the bar and glares at Mick until he turns.

“Ah, what can I get ya?”

“Whiskey, double.”

“You alright, son?” Ben doesn’t answer, what the fuck is it to him? But as the colour drains from Mick’s face he decides to take pity and puts him out of his misery with a small nod of his head. “Ice?”

“Nah, neat.”

“Coming up.”

Ben pays and considers skulking off into a dark corner to nurse his drink but he's suddenly overcome with exhaustion and decides to stay put. He takes a sip and notices Mick eye him albeit briefly and feels a thrill up his spine. He likes it, the tinge of suspicion and fear his presence sometimes evokes in people. He swallows his drink in one and waves the empty glass it at Mick who comes back with the bottle but doesn’t say anything this time around.

A lifetime spent with Jay, or near enough and it was Lola who knew what he needed today. All those years of talking all night long and loving him when he didn’t love anyone only to be sent packing with fucking Billy to bury the scum who killed Jay's father all good and proper. He knocks back his drink and rubs the back of his neck to try and soothe himself but it doesn't work. He resorts to taking off his tie and undoing the top button of his shirt just so he can at least breathe a little.

There was a time when he and Jay would have sorted this like Mitchells. Like men. He waves his glass again and Mick frowns in a fatherly way that makes him want to chuck it at him. 

“Lager chaser? On the house.”

He slides a bottle over to Ben. 

If one more fucking person tries to tell him he’s wrong, that he doesn’t know what’s for the best, that he can’t handle himself, look after the people he loves. Rage burns acidic in his throat and he loses the feeling in his face, blood coursing to his muscles, heart pumping. He could kill, he can already taste blood.

Mick’s eyes flit to something behind him and he’s close to screaming _Fucking look at me!_ when he feels hands on his back and jumps so hard that whoever’s holding him has to keep him upright on the stool.

Callum. It could only be Callum.

Ben twists to see him and sure enough, there he is. 

“Alright?” He asks, not a hint of concern in his voice. God, he just always gets it.

Ben lets his eyes fall closed and tilts his face and feels Callum’s big hands holding him still and then the first brush of his soft lips and the firm, warm press.

“We’re going to yours now,” Ben says against his mouth.

Callum nods and steps back, holding out his hands to steady Ben as he hops to his feet. For a fleeting moment, he considers lobbing the still full bottle of lager but busies his hands by taking hold of Callum’s and interlacing their fingers instead. 

Outside feels strange. There’s the smell of winter’s approach in the air and the Square is quiet as if it was later than it actually is. A taxi passes them and a deep hurt lurches violently in his chest. Without warning, the memory returns of the night he left forever, only it wasn’t forever, he just thought it was. He'd never make that mistake again.

“Kiss me.” 

Callum glances up at the railway bridge like he’s looking for an explanation.

“Callum, do as you’re told and kiss me. _Properly_.”

Callum’s gaze snaps to Ben and he takes his face in his hands and kisses him, a soft graze of his lips at first that lights Ben up and then he kisses the corner of his mouth before sucking on his bottom lip. Ben feels caught off guard despite having asked for this and feels himself swoon a little but is steadied by an arm around his waist. Callum kisses him deeply then, his tongue blood hot in his mouth, his teeth biting, his fingers digging into the back of his neck. 

He hears himself, feral grunts and low moans and he needs Callum to get him inside now so he can get out of this fucking suit that feels like it’s tearing him apart.

But only Callum can break the kiss, Ben can’t move his head to pull away so he stays, being kissed, lost in this until he feels like he’s drowning. Then he remembers his hands and gently pushes Callum backwards.

“Come on,” he nods over his shoulder and Callum reclaims his hand to walk with him to the flat.

The chill in the air feels good now against Ben’s hot skin and every brush of Callum’s arm, every sideways glance sends a rush through his body.

Mercifully, Stuart is out, apparently gone down Mile End for some reason or another that Ben doesn’t pay attention to. The bedroom is lit soft with one lamp already on and all the cushions and pillows plumped. 

“You came looking for me to bring me to bed.”

“We can do something else, dinner or--”

Ben turns to Callum and he falls silent in an instant. Ben walks to him, slowly, deliberately. “You found me to bring me to bed.”

“Yeah,” Callum confesses. He goes to speak but shakes his head.

“Tell me.”

“Nah, it’s--”

“Tell. Me.” Ben enunciates every syllable. 

“I saw Jay. He said you and Billy done the funeral in the end and he went home with Lola. I just… I feel a bit useless. You could’a rang and I would’ve been there, you know I would.”

“I am perfectly capable--”

“--It ain’t about that, Ben. So am I. This is what I do, it’s literally my job. I was sat here on my tod, holding my phone. You didn’t even ring when you was round the corner in the pub.”

Ben eyes him, his shoulders are slumped, his eyes are red presumably from rubbing his face the way he does when he’s stressed. He looks defeated. He looks how Ben feels.

“I got it all wrong. I felt like an idiot, alright? And you’ve seen me make a fucking fool out of myself enough times, I just wanted to handle it and hide my face. I went to the car lot for a bit, just to think, then the Vic. I wanted to get drunk.”

“Sorry, if you want to go back to the Vic, we can. Or you can. If you wanna be alone.”

“I don’t.” Ben slips off his jacket and lets it drop to the floor. “You said you wanna be useful, yeah?”

“Yeah."

Ben grabs Callum and shoves him down onto the bed, crawls over him and pins his wrists. 

“Tell me you’re mine.”

“I.. I am. You know I am. I’m yours.”

Ben tightens his grip on Callum’s wrists and watches the way his expression shifts when he applies some pressure, how he begins to float away, overcome and undone under Ben’s control. He looks at his own hands already turning white from the strain of it but it feels good. He feels powerful.

“You are mine, Callum Highway. I’m gonna show you. You will not come until I’m done with you.”

“Anything, just wanna be useful, wanna be good.”

"Not.. not anything, Callum, only what you're comfortable with, yeah?"

"Yeah, course. I'm yours, I want you. I err.. I quite like when you tell me what to do."

Ben chuckles at his earnestness even though in truth it warms his heart.

"Yeah okay, I believe ya. Let's get started then."

Callum licks his lips and Ben can feel him shift his knees apart. 

If Ben had more guts, he’d fuck him tonight but he doesn’t need another thing to go wrong today, not something so important, anyway.

“I wanna get off. You do a single thing I haven’t told you to do..” he laughs, Callum’s eyes are already glazing over, _shit._ He leans in and whispers hot and low into Callum’s ear, “Well, there’ll be hell to pay.”

Callum nods frantically.

“Gotta hear you say yes, ain’t any fun if you’re not ready and willing.” He wriggles in Callum’s lap, grinding against his already hard dick and Callum licks his lips. He’s so easy or maybe Ben’s just that good, either way all the blood in his head is rushing to his dick at the state of his good solider. 

“Yes, yes. Yes.” Callum says suddenly, the words firing staccato from his chest.

“Say ‘red’ if you wanna stop.” Callum doesn’t answer so Ben snaps his fingers. “Tell me what you’re gonna say if you wanna stop.”

“Red! I’ll say, ‘red’. I wasn’t saying it then. I don’t wanna stop. I wanna start, I wanna _mmph..._ ”

Ben puts his hand over Callum’s mouth. “Shhh.” 

There’s a long stretch of silence where Callum doesn’t say anything and, for once, Ben doesn’t have anything to say. Part of him could sit all night holding Callum down, exerting total control over him with just a look. But his body burns and he wants more. 

Letting go of Callum’s wrists, Ben stands from the bed and turns his attention to rolling up the sleeves of his crisp white shirt, depositing his cufflinks on the bedside table. He takes his time and, although he doesn’t look, he can feel Callum’s gaze on him, it burns, it makes his heart race.

He yanks off Callum’s shoes and jeans next and then goes to work on his shirt, pushing it off his broad shoulders and dropping to kiss the crook of his neck and that spot beneath his ear that makes Callum moan and he does, he moans high in his throat, already delirious with need. 

After a moment of deliberation, Ben decides to leave Callum’s underwear in place, he quite enjoys watching him shift and suffer, tight fabric binding his hard dick.

Ben backs up against the door and beckons to Callum who goes to him then hesitates.

“On your knees.”

He drops hard to the floor and Ben casts his gaze upwards so he doesn’t lose it at the mere sight of him. Ben undoes his belt and unzips his fly then slips his trousers off his hips and down and grabs a fistful of Callum’s hair to pull him close, his breath heating the tight fabric of his boxers, setting him alight. He hears him inhale deeply. 

“Pull ‘em down, _carefully._ ”

Callum lifts the waistband away from Ben’s stomach and lowers his boxers slowly, cautiously, hands bomb defuser steady and precise so the cotton doesn’t once brush the sensitive aching skin that Ben now longs to have touched. He wavers, he just has to say the words and he can have everything he wants on his terms. But when has he ever known how to ask for what he wants?

He looks at his fist in Callum’s hair and lets go his hold to stroke through it with his fingers instead. 

“Put your mouth on me.”

Callum’s parted lips, soft and wet are pressed against the hilt of his dick in the most tender way, he is so unspeakably, unbearably tender. 

“Lower,” he whispers and Callum obeys, slick lips trailing down, down until he’s cradling Ben’s ball in the hollow of his mouth. 

“Suck.”

And he does, he hollows his cheeks and takes Ben in and pulls him in towards his throat as if to devour him and it’s good, deep and hot and Ben reaches up the door to nothing and holds onto thin air, with his head rolled back it feels like he’s floating, like he’s nothing but the pull and the heat.

He falls back into himself, seizes Callum’s hair again and shivers at the sensation provided by the vibrations of Callum’s moans. 

“Stop.” Callum breaks away and kneels up, eyes straight and waits. “Lick me clean and take it down as far as you can.”

Callum swirls his tongue around the head of Ben’s dick and sucks and licks, loud and hungry and a thought occurs then that makes his knees tremble, _I asked for this, I demanded this_. 

All the blood rushes from his head and leaves him lightheaded and dreamy so when Callum sinks his dick towards the back of his throat, he nearly falls and Callum chokes and pulls off him but only to take a breath and then he’s back to it, wrapping his lips around the ridge of Ben’s dick and pushing back again. This time Ben keeps his footing by holding onto the door knob and Callum’s hair. Some voice in the back of his head snaps at him to straighten up his back and get a fucking hold of himself and so he does.

Callum bobs up and down and takes him almost all the way on every downward slide.

“Take me to the bed,” Ben says and hears the words and is surprised by them as if he wasn’t the one who spoke.

The loss of Callum’s mouth makes him cry out despite himself and he reaches for him, his hands finding their way to his arms to help pull him to his feet. He is so beautifully disheveled in the lamp light; hair a wild mess, lips shining, cherry red and swollen, out of breath and panting, his chest heaving and his eyes glassy.

Ben kicks off his boxers and trousers and Callum guides him to the bed and lays him down, one big hand at the back of his head until he’s safely among the pillows and then he kneels beside him and waits. 

"Are you okay, Callum?"

"Yeah," he says breathlessly, "What can I do? What do you want?"

“Kiss me.”

Callum cups Ben’s face and bends at the waist to kiss him and Ben wraps both arms around his neck and deepens the kiss until he can taste his salt on Callum’s tongue. He lets his arms go dead weight heavy so Callum is dragged down half on top of him. There’s so much he wants at once that he doesn’t know what to ask for next. He wants out of this shirt and waistcoat, he wants to feel Callum’s dick hard and wet against his thigh, he wants his fingers inside him until there isn’t a single thought left in his head and he can call today over, finally.

The kiss endures despite his want, he doesn’t want to break it, he doesn’t want anything else more than he wants the burn of Callum’s stubble, the surety of his hands where they hold him, the heat and press of his chest, the security of his knee planted between his legs. Until they have to come up for air, he doesn’t want anything more than to taste himself in his lover’s mouth. 

They kiss and kiss and kiss and when Ben eventually turns his head to get some air, the cool of the bedroom hits the sweat of his brow and he feels present, suddenly, more sure. Callum keeps kissing his cheek, his jaw, his neck, trembling as he does.

“No, no, you can stop, you can breathe.” 

Callum exhales against his face and then falls into the crook of his neck. “Thank you.”

"You don't need to thank me. How'd you get to be so good, ey?"

Callum smiles sweetly all dimples and rosy cheeks. God, he’s soft, he’s soft and kind and gentle. He should let him go, he should open the trap and set him running. He strokes his hair. His need ebbs and flows with every breath and rises when Callum begins to hum as he does, the thought of him happy and content to wait for Ben, to do whatever he’s asked makes his heart at once break and race. 

“Get me out of these clothes.”

Callum kneels again and unbuttons Ben’s waistcoat and shirt and then offers his hand for Ben to haul himself up before stripping him bare. 

“Take those off,” he says, pointing to Callum’s boxers. 

He steps back off the bed and drops them to his ankles, his beautiful dick bouncing free. Fuck. Ben rolls over and retrieves the lube from the bedside table drawer as Callum crawls back onto the bed and as soon as he’s settled, Ben grabs Callum’s wrist and guides his hand between his legs.

Callum brushes his fingertip over Ben’s hole and then traces up to his balls, slow and delicate, going in circles until Ben’s knees shake. 

Unbidden, Callum reaches for the lube and douses his fingers in it and returns his hand, slick and Ben snuggles his face into a fluffy pillow that smells like Callum and grips the sheets and gives himself over completely, both in and out of control all at once. 

Callum twists one finger inside and Ben tries to fixate on the soft sounds emanating from Callum’s throat, anything else would be too much. 

“More,” he gasps and then, getting a hold of himself, turns to look at Callum. “More,” he says again.

Callum presses a second finger inside and then thrusts his hand, finding the sweet spot over and over with a blunt jab of his fingertip sending waves of pleasure banging through his stomach and knocking against his ribs until he can barely stand it. 

“Stop, stop, just stretch me out.”

“Shit, sorry!”

“No! Don’t be sorry, you’re so good. You’re so good, baby.”

Callum hides his smile and does as he’s told, working his fingers in a steady rhythm and fuck it, he’s ready, he can’t take this anymore.

"Get on your back." 

Callum draws his hand free and flops onto his back, like a puppet with its strings cut. Like a doll. 

Straddling him Ben looks down on his work, Callum wrecked and trembling, his eyes blown wide. 

"You will not move unless I tell you, understand?" 

Callum nods. 

"I asked you a question."

"Yes, I understand.”

"Good. You will not speak unless you’re spoken to.”

“I understand.”

“Now, can I trust that you won't come before me?"

"Yes, yes, of course, I won't, I--"

Ben holds a finger to his lips and Callum falls silent. 

“Red if you want to stop.”

“I understand.”

"Babe," Ben leans down, "Do you wanna do this?"

"Yeah. Yes, I do. I'll say "red" if I wanna stop. I'm good, it's hot."

Ben presses a kiss against his forehead and turns his attention to seeking out the lube. At first he thinks he should try to hide the quiver in his hands but then he remembers that it doesn’t matter what Callum sees, he’s already his completely, his plaything for the night.

The realisation then that he can do whatever he wants washes over him anew and he stops to think. He doesn’t want to look, to be seen, God, he just wants to get off. He turns so he’s facing away from Callum, not wanting to be seen so desperate, so lost.

He takes hold of Callum’s dick at the base of it and ignores his whimpers and then lowers himself down, taking Callum inside him bit by bit, savouring every sensation. 

He grinds on Callum’s dick and the stretch and the depth make him ache and burn somewhere buried at the core of him, something never before touched. He feels holy here on his knees, filled up, glowing red hot and shining. 

When he moves, it feels miraculous, he leans back, arches his back, and lets Callum’s dick slip free, the feeling of the head stretching him and slipping free makes him shout out, a guttural noise that seems to reverberate off the walls, he does it a few more times until his legs are weak and he has no choice but to take Callum down all the way and stop and breathe. 

He takes hold of his own dick and swipes a pearl of precum from the slit with the pad of his thumb and is bent double by the intermingling of pressure inside and the touch of his own hand. He braces against Callum’s thighs and starts to slide up and down and whatever the angle, he notices Callum’s toes curl and his legs twitch. 

“Told you not to move,” he laughs.

“I swear I ain’t doing it on purpose!” 

“It's fine, Callum. Enjoying the view?”

“Yeah,” he sighs the word, dreamy and far away and then there’s a hitch in his breath and he comes back with, “Yes. I am, yes.”

Something tugs at Ben, a momentary sense of longing that he can’t place. He’s exactly where he wanted to be all day, in bed with Callum. Callum. He’s doing this all wrong. He gets up off Callum and kneels on the mattress. 

“Sit up, against the headboard.”

Callum scrambles to sit up, propping up a mound of pillows to sink into, his hair fanned out and messy, his face flushed pink and his eyes sparkling. Ben climbs over him and Callum bends and spreads his legs as Ben holds onto his shoulders.

“Put your hands around my middle, hold me tight, don’t let go.”

Callum obediently encircles his waist with his hands and digs his fingers into Ben’s soft flesh. He grips hard as Ben eases himself back down on his dick. 

He begins to roll his hips and the curve of Callum’s dick hits the spot that makes him see stars and his dick rubs against Callum’s torso and when he glances down he sees his precum smeared and glistening across his skin in constellations. 

Callum grips harder and his head swims and he feels like he’s floating, tethered only by Callum’s hands and it’s glorious. Heat pools low in his belly and spreads and his dick begs to be touched but he resists. Callum grimaces and his muscles tense and Ben wonders if he’s trying not to come or trying to not to move. He watches him, awestruck, amazed by his self control.

“I ain’t even close so don’t you dare think about--”

There’s a loud hammering on the door and Callum instinctively lets go of Ben’s waist to hug him close, one hand on his back and the other at the back of his head.

“Alright, bruv, I brought chips!”

“Don’t come in!” Callum yells with a wobble in his voice that’s verging on comical but Ben reckons he should really try not to laugh for the sake of their relationship. “Ben’s over!”

“Oh! Fuck! Alright. Sorry, bruv! Sorry.” 

Stuart wanders away saying _sorry_ in a sing-song voice until Ben is ready to go out there and tell him to shut the fuck up when Callum returns his hands to around his waist and he looks from the door to Callum to find him motionless and waiting.

Ben starts to move again and Callum sucks on his lower lip. 

“Nod if you’re close,” Ben whispers.

Callum nods.

“But you’re gonna be a good boy, ain’t ya?”

Callum’s eyes roll back to the whites and it takes a few seconds for him to re-focus on Ben’s face. 

He nods again. 

Ben winds his hips and finds a steady rhythm, the lube is beginning to wear thin and if he could think clearly, he’d reach for it but the friction makes his mouth water and he doesn’t care about being sore tomorrow, right now tomorrow doesn’t even exist. The bed creaks loudly beneath them and he notices Callum glance towards the door once and then again. He’s losing him. This isn’t any fun if he’s not keeping Callum on edge. 

“Fuck me on the floor.”

Callum’s gaze snaps to Ben. “What…” He clears his throat, “Okay.”

"It'll be quieter. No more bed springs."

"Got it."

Ben leads them off the bed, snatching up the lube as he goes and drags Callum down on top of him onto the carpet where he quickly props himself up on his elbows and looks at Ben through a curtain of hair, awaiting further instruction. Ben passes him the lube and he dutifully presses two slick fingers inside and dribbles a little on his straining dick. Ben anchors one foot against the wall and the other against the bedframe, legs spread painfully wide and nods at Callum who takes a deep, shuddering breath before pushing inside of him and gingerly begins to move.

“Move up a bit…” Callum does, following Ben’s hand gestures. “Hard, fast.”

It takes a few seconds for him to find his rhythm but then God does he get it. He snaps his hips over and over, drills into Ben, the slap of skin on skin fills the room. He pounds like a machine, relentless, and without the mattress to take some of the impact, Ben feels the extent of his power, it feels like Callum might put him through the fucking floor and he wants to come but not like this, not helpless and spread out on his back. No, that’s Callum’s place. That's the deal, anyway, for one night only. Ben needs the power and as the strongest and best man he knows, he's sure that Callum has it to give.

“Stop! Stop. Get on your back.”

Callum whines like he’s about to cry as he pulls his dick free and it’s awkward in the tight space between the wall and the bed but Callum manages to lie down flat and Ben straddles him and can’t help but laugh out loud at the face he pulls when Ben sits back down on his dick.

He finds the rhythm again, the one that makes his dick drip and his insides draw in tight.

Callum bucks his hips and Ben smacks his arm to get his attention. “Don’t move.”

“I didn’t mean--”

“I don’t care, you’ve been… you’ve been…” he fights to remember the end of the sentence through a rolling wave of pleasure. “You’ve been told. So, what do you say?”

Callum is biting deep into his lip, eyes completely glazed over. Ben hears a scratching sound and sees him clawing at the carpet. A jolt of heat flares through the centre of him and Ben cries out. Fuck.

He leans over and slaps a hand over Callum’s nipple.

“No, Ben, don’t!”

“I told you, don’t speak unless you’re… _ah_... spoken to.”

Callum goes to shake his head but stops himself. Fuck, he’s so easy. Or, no, he's so strong. So willing to do anything for Ben. 

Ben twists both Callum's nipples at the same time and Callum screams through sealed lips as if Ben had slapped duct tape across his mouth. He speeds up, it’s so much easier to get off like this, just a hard dick and his concentration. He tugs on Callum’s nipples and alternates smacking them with the flat of his hand, enjoying the hard crack like thunder when he strikes. 

Every down thrust brings him closer and soon he’s moving erratically, barely able to hold on. Callum squirms and shakes and sweat sparkles on his chest and fuck, he's beautiful, he's so beautiful and good. 

Ben finally gets it, the thread, and follows it over the edge, it starts with a burn deep inside and spreads out, his whole body singing with hard earned pleasure, shooting ropes of hot cum across Callum’s chest and hitting his chin and neck. As he starts to come down the ecstacy is replaced with sheer and profound relief. 

Suddenly, Callum grasps his hips and thrashes wildly for a few moments before yelling out, the fact they’re not alone forgotten and Ben feels him swell inside and watches as he tenses and twitches before collapsing back onto the floor.

“Sorry,” he gasps, “I fucked up. Weren't meant to do that 'til you said."

“What the fuck? No, you didn’t. That was amazing, you were so good. You held up through… through torture!” Callum covers his face with his hands and Ben pulls them away. “I’m proud of you. I'm.. I'm grateful to you. You have no idea, Callum, no idea how much I needed that, how amazing you are."

His beaming smile tells Ben that he’s not feeling guilty anymore.

"Are you okay?" Ben whispers, scared to hear the answer. 

"Yeah, 'course. It err.. it was fun. I'm knackered now though, feel like I could sleep down 'ere." 

Callum lets his head loll to the side and his eyes fall closed. For a moment, Ben just watches him, awestruck and speechless.

"Hey, no, soft bed for you after that," he says trying to make his voice as soft as possible.

Ben uses the side of the mattress to haul himself up and Callum follows and they fall side by side, sweat drenched, sticky and breathless. 

“We should do that again sometime, now I know the rules.”

Ben chuckles at his sincerity but really he's pleased, relieved even that he apparently enjoyed it as much as he did. "Sounds good to me."

Callum strokes the back of Ben's neck and in a whisper asks, "Did you get what you needed?"

Ben is taken aback, briefly, but decides to be honest. "Yeah. Yeah, I did. Thank you."

"Mm... you're welcome."

Ben rolls over and nestles against his chest and for a long while they lay just enjoying each other and the quiet and the closeness. Eventually, the silence is broken by Stuart yelling goodnight through the closed door which neither of them have the strength to answer. Ben can feel himself starting to fall asleep so he forces himself awake.

"Nobody's ever done anything like that for me before."

"Yeah? Like I said, it was hot."

"I ain't.. I ain't talking about the sex. I'm talking about you.. you.." he takes a deep breath because this needs to be said, "I'm talking about the way you look after me, how you just know what I need, I've never, not in all my life, had someone be there for me like that. Thank you, I mean it."

"Of course," he says it like it's easy, like taking care of Ben is easy. "Today sounds like it was hard."

"You made it softer."

Callum kisses the top of Ben's head and Ben swears he can feel him smile.

"Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that there's someone who'd... who'd do anything for you," Callum whispers.

Ben's heart lurches in his chest. Is that why he wanted this? It seems as good an explanation as any. He hadn't thought about it like that, he'd thought it was about control but Callum's words ring true.

"I would too, you know."

Callum laughs.

Ben, taken aback but trying to hide his hurt repeats himself, "I would."

"Ben, I already know. How could I not?

Tears prick in Ben's eyes but he fights them back.

“Can we go in the shower?” 

“Together?” Callum sounds surprised.

“Yeah,” Ben nods. 

“Yeah, ‘course.” Callum sits up and groans. “I must look a right state.”

“Mm.. you do. Can’t say I don’t know how to make a mess of a man, if nothing else.”

Callum chuckles and wanders over to his towel hanging behind the door and wraps it around his waist and tosses a fresh one to Ben. In the bathroom, Ben sits on the edge of the bath and watches as Callum starts the shower running.

He wants to say _Nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before._ Actually he wants to say, _I think I’m more myself with you than I’ve ever been and that scares me._

Callum pulls back the shower curtain with a flourish, “After you, obviously.”

Ben belly laughs, unable to contain the happiness bubbling up inside. 

At first the hot shower and Callum’s presence at his back is heavenly but exhaustion quickly sets in and finds himself leaning heavily against Callum. For the longest time they drift together under the water, hands roaming, totally at ease. Ben rests, finally allows himself to rest against his boyfriend’s body, soothed by the knowledge that he is happy to hold him up, willing and-- 

_Boyfriend._

He stands bolt upright, heart pounding.

"I'm going pruney," he says laughing, hoping Callum doesn't catch the panic in his voice.

He climbs out of the shower in a hurry and Callum quickly shuts off the water and follows him. 

“You okay, Ben?”

“Yeah.” 

Ben starts towards the door wrapped in his towel when he hears Callum brushing his teeth. Shit. That’s their thing, isn’t it? Brushing their teeth side by side, sharing looks in the mirror. And God he wants that, he does. But wanting it just scares him even more.

He scrubs his teeth and he knows, he knows how this must look, how jarring and off-putting but he can’t calm himself. They just need to get to bed. Their shared bed. Shit.

“I’ll get your contact solution and glasses, yeah?” 

Callum’s voice makes him jump. “Yeah. Thanks, babe.”

When Callum returns, he tells Ben he’ll leave him to it and drops a clean t-shirt onto the toilet seat.

Once he’s alone, Ben sits heavily on the side of the bath and takes some deep breaths. None of this feels too fast, none of it feels wrong or suffocating, in fact he’s happy. Happier than he’s ever--

He jumps to his feet. It doesn’t take long to switch to his glasses and change into the t-shirt Callum brought. He pads through to the bedroom and finds Callum all tucked up and half asleep already.

“You ain’t eaten,” Callum points out.

“It’s alright. I’ll have a big breakfast.”

“Mm.. let’s go to the caff, yeah?”

Ben doesn’t answer, the simple question having rendered him speechless for once. He slips into bed and Callum draws him close into his arms and against his chest and they start to drift. 

Breakfast in the morning with his boyfriend. With the man willing to give him everything. It’s so simple in concept but it dawns on Ben that it’s the certainty of it that's making his chest constrict and ache. It’s been a very long time since he had any certainty and now it’s the best, bravest man he knows who is so sure of him that he can fall asleep on an unanswered question. But that’s not fair.

Ben shakes his shoulder. “Callum?”

“Mm?”

“That’s a good plan, breakfast in the caff.”

“Great,” he yawns, “I can't wait.”

Ben snuggles in close and breathes him in. "I can't wait either."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Yes, Ben absolutely misread that interaction with Mick.


	15. 8th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is ignoring Callum, still reeling from the news that he's thinking about joining the police but when Lola intervenes, he decides to take his boyfriend away for a weekend in a fancy hotel in the hopes of taking Callum's mind off his plans for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set just after Pam week. Callum is still feeling hurt that Ben tried to control his life by convincing Jay to make him manager of Coker's and Ben is on edge after Callum's announcement that he wants to join the police. 
> 
> **Warnings:** Angst, arguing and edging.

**_November 8th, 9.03pm_ **

_**18.34:** You okay? x _

_1 **8.56:** Are we still on for dinner tonight? x _

_**19.24:** Do you want me to come over? x _

_**19.47:** Stu made dinner not sure if we still have plans? _

_**20.34:** Hope you're okay xx _

Ben checks his phone again. Nothing from Callum in almost half an hour. He should reply, tell him he’s fine. 

"Callum text me asking if you were alright, what are you playing at?"

Ben's attention snaps from his phone screen to Lola who had apparently come into the living room while he was waiting for a text.

"How do I tell him he's chucked the same day I told him--" he stops himself. 

"Told him what?" 

She drums her fingers against her hips and he notices she's still holding her phone in her other hand. 

"You talking to him now?"

"Well someone has to!" 

Ben growls in frustration and buries his face in his hands. "I told him he's my boyfriend and now I have to tell him we ain't ever gonna work out."

Lola tuts and starts typing a message. "Come over to ours, Ben's got a special celebration planned."

"What the fuck, Lo! Do not send that."

She taps the screen loudly with her acrylic nail. "Too late!"

"Fucks sake!" 

"Come on, Ben. He's a lovely bloke and he's fit, don't screw it up."

"I ain't the one screwing things up!"

She raises an eyebrow. "Come on then, where you taking him? I'd hurry if I were you, if I know Baby Gay he'll be running all the way here."

She’s right. He stares at his phone and suddenly inspiration strikes. Fancy hotel, whole weekend. Either it’ll convince Callum to drop the whole copper thing or it’ll be an unforgettable last hurrah. He books it in a few taps before he has time to talk himself out of it and rings Callum.

“Pack a bag,” he says when Callum answers.

"What?"

"Before you come over. Pack a bag. And wear something nice."

Callum makes a string of confused noises and then, eventually, says a small, "Okay."

He hangs up and takes a deep, cleansing breath.

"I've booked a hotel room, happy now?" Lola just stares at him. "Shit, Lo, are you alright to have Lexi by yourself this weekend?"

"Don't have to. Me and Jay are taking her off out with Billy and the kids tomorrow and Kathy's got her Sunday." She sits next to him on the sofa. "You staying in London?"

"Yeah. Not like we're gonna be leaving the room anyway, is it?" He can practically hear her roll her eyes. "Distract him. I'm gonna get changed."

Ben’s legs feel heavy as he walks upstairs. Alone in his room, he stares into his wardrobe. All his clothes seem foreign to him so he reaches out to feel the fabric of his favourite shirt and imagines Callum's hand is his own, stroking his arm. Sweet, gentle Callum whose touch makes him feel so amazing. What's he thinking wanting to become a fucking copper? His voice downstairs brings Ben out of his reverie, he's here, he needs to hurry up. He listens but he can't make out the words he's saying but he sounds light, happy. 

Ben chooses a pair of herringbone trousers and a burgundy shirt with dress shoes and a dark jacket. There's some commotion downstairs which he ignores. He checks his hair in the mirror and is stopped by the sight of himself, he doesn't recognise the man looking back at him. This man is taking his boyfriend to a nice hotel for the weekend. He swore he wouldn't let this happen again. He glances at the window as if shimmying down the drainpipe and making a run for it was even a possibility then snaps himself out of it.

This weekend has to be good. He has to try. And if it’s meant to be fun then he may as well make sure of it. He packs a few things from his bedside drawer including his second least intimidating vibrator and every variety of lube he owns and hums to himself as he goes to block out the chant of _What the fuck are you doing?_ going round and round his head.

In the bathroom he brushes his teeth and collects his toiletries and then heads downstairs. 

What he sees at the bottom stair stops him dead in his tracks. Lexi is sitting on Callum's knee and telling him a story.

"What are you doing up, young lady?" he asks.

She and Callum both startle and turn to him with shocked expressions. 

"I heard his voice," she says with a shrug. She turns back to Callum. “Can I come with you and Daddy?”

“Uhm.. not this time but I’ll make brekkie for you next week to make up for it?”

“French toast? And then you’ll take me to school?”

He looks to Lola and she nods. “Yeah! Deal?”

They shake on it, her hand engulfed in his. 

He gently puts her down on the floor and stands to adjust his jacket. Ben recognises the outfit, he was wearing it at his stag do. He burned the image of him walking out of the Arches into his head to with him to beat himself with later so he'd recognise it anywhere. It occurs to him that his work shirt and shoes, black skinny jeans and that grey jacket comprises his only Nice outfit. 

“No coat? It’s cold out.” Ben asks.

“Nah, got my bomber in my bag but it’ll not go over this. I’ll be fine, I ain’t a wimp, ya know.”

“You don’t have to tell me, I wouldn’t have a wimp for a boyfriend.”

Callum beams and Ben takes the opportunity to kiss him, chaste and soft.

“Eww!”

They turn to Lexi who is pretending to retch.

“Just you wait until you’ve got a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you won’t be saying it’s icky then.”

“Errr…” Lola sweeps Lexi into her arms. “This one’s never growing up so we don’t have to worry ‘bout that.”

They say goodnight and Ben puts on his green coat and black leather gloves before they head outside, Ben decides to take a cab not wanting to take a car off the lot or deprive Sharon of the family runaround for the whole weekend. Callum shivers slightly as they buckle their belts and Ben leans over to rub his arm. He needs to get him a coat, as a present maybe.

Ben shows the name of the hotel to the driver and sits back and feels Callum staring at him.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

Callum sighs. “Pam seems lovely.”

“She is.”

“You must miss her.”

Ben flashes him a tight smile. He does miss her. He misses her tonight more than he has in a long time. He had visions of her staying, he’d have given her his bed for the weekend and slept on the sofa. It would have been good getting to spend more time together, he’d have shown Lexi off to her, Pam would tell him she was proud of him and that she could see how hard he was trying and he wouldn’t believe her but he’d store her words away for later anyway. 

“Not really, we talk on the phone sometimes. You know how it is.”

“Are we staying in London?”

“Yeah. Are you disappointed?”

“No, no. This is all really lovely.”

Ben nods and squeezes Callum’s thigh. They fall into silence but it’s not exactly comfortable. 

“Are we alright, Ben? What I said earlier about you trying to control my life, that’s sorted now, innit? I know you meant well. And… and I appreciate you wanting to be supportive but if we’re meant to be a cou… if we're boyfriends then we can talk, can’t we? The way you just walked out after I told you that I wanna join the--”

 _Police._ No way are they talking about that.

“Yeah, we can talk. We talk all the time. I had to get home to Lex. I should’a said.” He doesn’t want to talk about it but he can’t keep it in. “And yeah, you’re right, it’s sorted. You have your own life, I get that. I don’t wanna control it. And you.. you don’t wanna meddle in my life and my business.”

Callum smiles and nods but it’s forced. The silence descends again and Ben turns his whole body to look out the window. 

Callum shakes his head as they pull outside the hotel, hesitates before climbing out of the cab and takes three big steps back when the doorman opens the door to them.

“Ahh, what I’m wearing ain’t fancy enough for this place, Ben.”

“Fuck that, who gives a shit? You,” he turns to face Callum and grabs hold of his lapels, “You are gorgeous. You could walk in there dressed head to toe in Primark and it wouldn’t matter.”

Callum doesn’t look reassured. “Why’d I have to dress up anyway?”

“Thought we could go for a drink. Let me get you good and drunk off them fancy cocktails. Have my way with you.”

“Yeah ‘cause we missed dinner. How come you made dinner plans with me if you knew you had Lexi?”

“Alright, DI Highway, I forgot. But we’re here now, this is better than some poxy dinner date at Walford East, innit?”

“It’s lovely, Ben, I just--” Callum shudders hard and tries to shake it off.

“You’re freezing. Let me buy you a coat tomorrow, a nice one, we can--” 

“Do you hear yourself? One minute I’m fine as I am, next you’re offering to buy me some fancy coat.”

“You’re shivering!”

Callum pulls back. “I am who I am, Ben. And I will make my own decisions.”

“I know.”

“Do ya?”

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry I tried to get you a promotion, I’m sorry I brought you to a nice hotel, I’m sorry I offered to buy you a coat. I’m a terrible fucking person.”

Callum laughs that bitter, sad laugh and turns on his heel and walks away. 

Great.

The doorman who had closed the door when they started arguing opens it again and raises his eyebrow at Ben. He may as well enjoy the room he paid for, no point going home just to field a million questions from Lola who’ll only take Callum’s side.

The lobby is busy and warm and heavily perfumed. He checks in and goes to his room, top floor with a gorgeous sparkling view of the city. He requested a bath and got one. All very fucking romantic. He drops his bag and takes a few heaving breaths before punching the shit out of one of the pillows, his leather gloves hands making a satisfying sound.

He needs a drink. He can barely afford this room, truth be told. Yeah it was spur of the moment but he really did want to do something special. Now that their time is more limited than ever, now Callum had gone and signed their death warrant, he wanted them to have this weekend, he wanted it more with every passing second. He just wanted to enjoy the time they had left, to give Callum everything he deserves. Fuck. 

He digs in his bag for his hip flask and drains it then opens the window to get some cold night air. He feels it sting his face and pulls off his glove to touch his forehead and feels it wet with sweat. God, he needs to get himself together. He throws himself down on the bed, the soft clean bed and waits until he feels more like himself again and then heads downstairs, coat and gloves on, planning to go out for a drink. Somewhere louder, somewhere where nobody will look at him while he drowns his sorrows.

He strides through the lobby and something catches his eye.

He turns.

It’s Callum.

Callum is sitting at the bar swigging a bottle of lager and talking to a businessman in a very expensive suit. Shit. 

He walks in before he can stop himself and orders a whiskey - double - standing so close to Callum that he ends up elbowing him as he pays, and then takes a seat at a table with a good view of the bar.

The man’s body language is attuned to Callum’s, they move together fluidly and lean into each other when they laugh. This bloke makes him laugh. Ben can’t take his eyes off them, he forgets his drink, forgets everything. That’s his boyfriend, he isn’t ready to lose him yet. He’ll never be ready. The thought breaks his heart, that one day Callum will walk away and he won’t be able to stand the pain. 

Callum glances over at him but his face is blank. Ben starts to feel like he’s floating, like he’s dead and watching his life without him and Callum doesn’t care, doesn’t miss him. He lurches in his seat but keeps himself down. Callum turns again and this time there’s a flicker in his expression that draws the attention of the man he’s with and they both look at Ben together and then return to their conversation. 

He remembers his drink and drains the glass.

Ben watches as the man pats Callum’s arm and gets up and crosses the bar to rejoin his group. Ben waits a moment for Callum to make a move but he just continues to swig his beer so he walks over to him.

“Is this seat taken?”

Callum looks up without a hint of recognition in his face. “Nah.”

Ben slides onto the stool next to his and signals to the bartender and orders himself a top up. “Can I get you a drink?”

“I’m good.” 

“Ben Mitchell,” he says, offering his hand.

Callum takes it with a faint hint of a smile. “Callum Highway.”

“Mm firm handshake.”

“What’s your favourite colour?”

He doesn’t remember at first but then it comes back to him. Their first date. _You next gonna ask me my favourite colour, are ya?_ “Burgundy, you?”

“Blue.”

“What shade of blue? You can’t just say _blue_.”

“I can say whatever I want to say.” 

Ben concedes and raises his glass to Callum. “Blue like your eyes.”

“Blue like yours.”

Callum drains his bottle and pushes it away. “Another,” Ben says to the bartender. 

“No.” Callum glares at him and then turns to the bartender. “I’ll have a Manhattan, actually.”

“Make it two, put it on the tab for room 1103.” Ben turns to him. “A Manhattan man?”

“Maybe,” he shrugs. 

“Those things are strong, you sure you should be letting a strange man buy you cocktails?”

“You telling me you’re dangerous?”

Ben doesn’t answer, just catches his bottom lip between his teeth and watches as a deep magenta blush creeps up Callum’s neck from under his shirt collar.

“I saw you watching me,” Callum says.

“Couldn’t take my eyes off ya.”

“Lots of good looking guys in here tonight, why me?”

Ben leans in close and rests his hand on Callum’s arm. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re the only man in the room.”

The bartender slides their drinks over and Callum takes a sip and shudders hard. 

“You was right about it being strong.”

Ben takes a long drink. “It burns, don’t it?” He trails a hand down his own chest. “All the way down.”

Callum licks his lips but just as quickly seems to shake Ben off and turns back to his drink. 

“Wanna get a table?” Ben asks.

Callum leans back to take Ben in, seems to take him in slowly. Normally when Callum looks at him, he sees him, he _knows_ him but this feels different, voyeuristic. It makes his heart race. Callum starts at his ankles, skimming up his crossed legs, staring for a moment at his chest, his neck, his eyes finally lighting on his mouth before he nods. “Yeah alright.” 

Ben leads the way, carrying Callum’s drink along with his own, wanting to hint at his ability to be a gentleman when the situation calls for him to behave as such. 

They take a corner table, the bar is busy but they hit lucky in being the only people who want to sit on the dark edge by themselves. Ben wants to swallow down his cocktail in one but he’s going to at least try to show a modicum of decorum. 

“Why me? Why not that other bloke?” Ben asks.

“I like a bit of edge, he was too vanilla.”

“Man after my own heart.”

“Why me?”

“I told you--”

“--Yeah and it was a good line but really, why?”

“You’re.. you’re…” He sighs. “Every other bloke in here thinks all eyes should be on him but not you. You don’t see how… how _gorgeous_ you are. You looked so big and imposing sat up at the bar but you don’t use that against people, I can tell. And then you laughed and you’ve got a laugh that would make anyone smile.” He hears himself and stops. “I meant what I said, Callum, for me, you’re the only man in the room.”

There’s a long silence but Ben sees the way the tips of Callum’s ears heat and turn red. 

“Why me?”

Callum, deadpan and drink in hand says, “You look like I could pick you up but you might kill me if I did.”

Ben laughs so hard it feels like his chest might crack. “I’d never hurt someone as pretty as you.”

“So I don’t have to worry about staying on your good side?”

“Not so long as you’re wearing them skinny jeans. Especially if you ain’t wearing ‘em at all.”

“Alright, Ben, what’s a man like you do for work?”

“I run two businesses, I flog cars and I fix ‘em up. You know what they say about mechanics, yeah?” He leans in. “They’re good with their hands.”

Callum chuckles. “You must’a had a good week to afford a nice room in a place like this.”

“Yeah. Not bad.” Callum pulls a face and looks down at his hands. “I do a few deals on the side. Easy money. Victimless crimes. Nothin' you need to worry about.”

“I don’t believe in that, a _victimless crime_.”

“You the type of person who sees the good in everyone, are ya?”

“I try. You saying you wouldn’t swindle an innocent person?”

“No such animal.”

For a moment it's on the tip of his tongue - _I’m a money lender -_ but he swallows it down. Once said, something can't be unsaid only explained and he doesn't want to explain.

"So one of them side deals how you paid for the room?"

He takes a sip and smiles. "You ain't a copper, are ya?"

"Nah. Just curious."

“Mm.. I ain’t the type of man who tends to indulge the curiosity of others.”

“You hold your cards close to your chest, don’t ya? What’s that about? You always gotta be in control?”

"It ain't about control, Cal," he leans his full weight on the abbreviation of Callum's name, he's always found success in using over familiarity against his opponents. "What you don’t know can’t hurt you and I don’t wanna hurt you.” 

“I know,” Callum says quietly, their roleplay temporarily forgotten.

“I'll spoil you, if you let me. If you don't ask any more tricky questions."

Callum takes a drink and seems to think it over. "What do you want from me?"

Ben looks at him like he's mad. "You, just you.."

Callum nods. 

"Is that a yes?"

Callum laughs and downs the dregs of his cocktail. "You ask that like you think it was ever gonna be a no.”

"Ah. That's a problem, ain't it?"

Callum nods and for a moment his eyes are bottomless, infinite. "Make it feel like it ain't one."

Ben cups his face, tender, his fingers lighter than butterfly wings at Callum’s jaw and then leans in and kisses him, softly at first and it’s Callum who deepens it.

When he pulls away his lips are shining. “Put your gloves back on.” 

“Oh, you like--”

“Ben, shut up. Put them back on.”

Ben slips on his leather gloves and picks up Callum’s bag for him as they head for the door of the bar. The man Callum had been talking to raises his glass to them as they pass hand in hand and Ben smirks at him. He has no idea that he didn't stand a fucking chance.

Ben frantically jabs the button for the lift and Callum snatches his hand away by the wrist. 

“You can’t control the lifts, Ben.”

“I just wanna get you upstairs--”

Callum interrupts him with a kiss, two big hands on his neck and his tongue in his mouth. 

A couple walking past them alerts them to the open lift doors and they stumble inside, still kissing. Ben presses the button for the top floor - just once like a good boy - and leans against the wall only for Callum to press him against it with the full power of his body, his hands back at his neck and his mouth hungry and all consuming. Ben is crushed by him, the weight of him and his intensity. It isn’t purposeful destruction, he isn’t Ben, it’s passion and want, a desire to be close and closer still. It’s overwhelming, Ben can hear the ocean rushing in his ears, can barely breathe. 

The lift stops and the doors open. 

“Going up or going down?”

Callum breaks the kiss and they both turn, breathless to see a nicely dressed man in his fifties watching them with a wry smile.

“Going up,” Ben replies.

“Shame,” says the man and Callum leans over and hits the _Close Door_ button in what Ben suspects isn’t an intentional power move but sure works as one. 

Ben wraps his arms around Callum’s neck and strokes the bare skin at the nape with warm leather and Callum presses closer, impossibly, improbably closer. When they hit the top floor, Ben drags Callum out of the lift by his shirt and they stumble along towards their room where Ben fumbles with the key card, willing it to work knowing his patience is about to run out and he’s not above pushing Callum to the floor right here in the corridor.

The door opens and Callum walks Ben backwards to the bed and he drops Callum’s bag and his coat to the floor as he goes and pushes Callum’s jacket off his shoulders. Falling together onto the soft sheets feels like heaven, feeling the full weight of Callum’s body between Ben’s legs makes his eyes roll back. 

Callum, voice wrecked and hoarse mumbles against Ben’s neck, “Say it again.”

“What?” When there’s no reply he catches on. “You’re my boyfriend and.. and I’m yours.”

Callum opens Ben’s shirt and scatters hot kisses across his chest until his skin pricks and tingles. Kneeling, Callum strips off his own shirt and they watch each other for a moment, lit up soft by the city lights and the moon. 

“Come here,” Ben whispers.

Callum settles down between Ben’s legs and kisses him deep and hard until he’s seeing stars behind closed eyes and his chest aches. He puts his arms around Callum and longs to feel his skin under his fingertips.

Callum undoes Ben’s belt and trousers and looks at him, soft and strange all at once. With the meat of his palm he presses along the length of Ben’s half hard dick through the fabric of his boxers and then again, with more pressure. His eyes flit back to Ben’s face and he smooths his thumb over the stubble at his cheek and his upper lip then traces the contours of his mouth and the line of his eyebrow. He seems far away, captivated and lost at the same time. He languidly trails his hand back down Ben’s body as if he were dipping his fingers in warm water then rests his hand between his legs. 

Burying his face in Ben’s neck, he inhales deeply and touches Ben with something akin to curiosity or maybe wonder. He grips Ben through his boxers and starts to stroke his dick slowly and then cups his balls, the inconsistency of his touch, the unpredictability starts to set Ben on edge and he feels himself getting hard, his want stirring and growing. 

Shifting onto his knees, Callum pulls Ben’s boxers down and then, after a moment’s thought, drags them all the way off along with his trousers and drops them to the floor. Ben doesn’t have that same reflex of Callum’s, to shift his knees apart, so Callum does it for him, gentle hands on his thighs guiding them open. He tickles Ben's inner thighs with the lightest touch that makes Ben shiver and then bows his head and kisses his stomach, his hips and nuzzles against his leg, his white shirt stretched across his back as he draws himself in to get ever closer. 

Callum pulls back and takes off his trousers and underwear and then sits up, his legs tucked under his body. He opens his gleaming white shirt like wings and looks briefly angelic before he throws the garment to the floor. Ben reaches out, black leather on pale skin and Callum shudders as his hand slides down his body and comes to rest on his calf but he gently pushes it away. _Look but don’t touch_. 

The silence in the room is palpable. 

Callum explores Ben’s body as if it were his own, concentration etched onto his face. With the lightest touch, he circles Ben’s nipples and watches his face intently before turning his attention elsewhere to gauge his reaction. For a moment, Ben has an out of body experience and is watching himself waiting to see what his body does when Callum next touches him, this time he scrapes his nails across the soft flesh of Ben’s belly and Ben watches his own knees shake and hears the hitch in his own breath. 

Carefully, Callum sets about unbuttoning Ben’s shirt cuffs so he can take off his shirt while leaving his gloves intact. 

Callum stills his hand at Ben’s side and curls his fingers under his back and he squeezes the flesh held in his hand and licks his lips at the grunt it elicits from Ben. This is different, different from anything he’s known before, Callum is looking at him like he’s just realised he’s edible and it sends a thrill shooting up his spine.

In the lull before Callum makes his move, Ben’s hands twitch uselessly, if this were any other night he’d reach out and touch, he’d take back control. Tonight he has to admit that he can’t, _no_ , he has to admit that he doesn’t want to. 

Callum dips his head and kisses Ben’s neck, his collarbone, his shoulder and then hesitates before turning to his chest, moving down his body with hot, sucking kisses until he reaches his stomach. With his fingertips he draws lines around the contours of Ben’s belly and smiles when he shivers. He settles further down the bed and grazes Ben’s inner thighs with his stubble.

“Love feeling your stubble against my skin,” Callum whispers.

“Yeah?” 

“Mm.”

He sighs contentedly against Ben’s thigh and then nestles in close and sucks his balls into his mouth, expert at this now. Ben reaches out to place a gloved hand on the back of Callum’s neck and is overcome by the vibrations from his soft moans. The deep pull, the heat of his mouth, Ben can only let go and float away with the feeling. When Callum pulls away, he blows gently against Ben’s balls and laughs to himself at the way it makes Ben squirm.

“You like that?”

“Yeah,” Ben gasps.

Callum crawls over him, his chin shining with drool and licks circles around Ben’s nipple then blows gently on the tender skin.

“I love when you do _that_.”

“Let me do it then.” Ben tries to sit but Callum blocks him with his body.

“Later.”

With the lightest touch, Callum trails his fingertips along Ben’s chest to his arm all the way to his wrist and then takes his hand, sweetly, gently. Reverentially, he guides Ben’s arm up and then leans down and nuzzles his face into his armpit. Ben turns his head to breathe in the scent of Callum’s hair, his smell mingled with his shampoo. This feels intimate in a way he didn’t think he was ready for but at the same time he doesn't want him to stop. Callum inhales him, deep and unabashed and moans low in his throat. He starts out with kisses that make Ben shudder and then licks a trail - tasting him - and his hot mouth, the scratch of his stubble, it sets Ben alight. He seems voracious, wild as he sucks and bites around Ben’s underarm, his tongue finding out the sensitive spots that make Ben tingle. 

“Love how you smell," he mumbles.

“I stink, forgot to put deodorant on before we went out.”

Callum breathes him deeply in and then lays his head against his outstretched arm. “You smell so.. so _manly_.”

_Oh._

Callum circles a finger round and round Ben’s armpit and watches how it makes his dick twitch when he finds a certain spot at the centre. 

“That bit's always been sensitive,” Ben admits, “when I come, I can feel it _just there_.”

Callum kisses the place a final time as if he wants to commit to memory before he kisses back down Ben’s body, tongue dipping into his belly button, looking for another taste. 

“You said you like it rough, yeah?”

Ben glances up. “In general or--” Callum takes his balls in his hand with a firm grip and squeezes and suddenly all the air is knocked out of Ben’s lungs. He manages to gasp out an almost coherent string of words that he hopes amounts to _YES_ before he can only lay back and try to hold on.

Callum keeps working his balls in his hand as he bows down to take Ben’s dick in his mouth and the pressure of his kiss swollen lips is almost too much to take. Ben feels his muscles tighten and that familiar heat start to pool in his abdomen and fuck, he doesn’t want it to be over so soon but it feels too good to stop and anyway, he’s at Callum’s mercy, there’s nothing he can do. He lets his head roll back and follows the thread of his pleasure getting higher and higher until Callum lightens his grip and draws free of his dick. Fuck. Ben looks up and Callum ignores him in favour of kneeling up and breaking all contact between them.

“Fuck, Callum, I was so fucking close.”

“I know. I know you, remember?”

Ben swallows thickly. “I know, I just...”

Ben’s eyes flit to Callum’s big thighs, spread wide and then he can’t take his eyes off him, his protestations dying on his lips. He wants him, he wants him in so many myriad ways. Callum takes his own dick in his hand and starts stroking, slow and steady. Ben watches, enrapt and reaches for him with gloved hands to touch his arms, not wanting to disturb his rhythm but unable to resist feeling the way his muscles move as he works. Callum lets go only to spit in his hand and hisses as he starts to stroke again. Ben manages to tear his gaze up to his face and sees the way Callum’s face starts to heat when he meets his eye but he doesn’t stop, embarrassed but confident. Ben wants to yell, _touch me, please!_ but swallows it down and waits. 

Callum pulls his hand away and grunts, breathing through his frustration before turning his attention back to Ben with a heavy lidded gaze. A flicker of something crosses his face and he reaches out and puts his hand around Ben’s throat and casts his eyes downwards and Ben wonders what he sees. With his other hand, he plays with Ben’s balls, gently squeezing and tugging and all the while looking intently at Ben. He presses his fingers into the hollows of Ben’s throat and an intense pang of pleasure floods him from between his legs. He wants to beg him to touch him the way he needs to so he can come but the soft way Callum is looking at him, as if he’s art, as if he’s something beautiful renders him unable to speak.

The gentle pressure at his neck feels akin to comfort or the only kind of comfort Ben can tolerate. Here Callum holds him like he would something fragile, like he could shatter him so easily and yet he chooses instead to be tender and gentle. It feels a lot like love. 

“Ben.” 

He hears Callum’s voice and realises his eyes were closed and turns his gaze on his boyfriend but he doesn’t speak, just looks and then spits into the palm of his hand and _fuck_ that will never get old. Callum’s slick hand on his dick feels amazing and when he teases Ben’s slit with the pad of his thumb and squeezes his neck at the same time he nearly tips but Callum strokes him loose and slow to bring him back down again. 

Callum tilts his head and repeats his process, using his thumb to run circles around the head of Ben’s dick as he tightens his grip on his neck and before his eyes roll back, Ben sees a smile form on his boyfriend’s lips. He’s going to come, he feels his muscles tense and the heat in his belly start to spread and then Callum’s hands go slack. 

He takes away his hands and spreads Ben’s legs and stops to admire the view before settling between them. Ben watches as he licks hot and dirty from the root of his dick to the head, watches and barely processes what he’s seeing, Callum’s eyes steely, locked on him, the tip of his tongue turned precise instrument that makes him shiver hard, so hard that Callum has to hold him tight at his waist to keep him still. 

He sucks the head of Ben’s dick into his mouth then follows the ridge with the tip of his tongue and God, it’s too much but he doesn’t stop, not even as he has to lean his whole weight into holding Ben down. Ben wants to grab his hair and shove his dick all the way down to his tonsils but he can't and a growl of frustration escapes him.

Callum stops and sighs. “I know, I know.. It’s just… When you’re in control I don’t get to do this, to give you everything, to… to…” Callum shakes his head and then blurts out, “I don’t get to worship you.”

“Oh.”

Ben lets himself go limp against the sheets, he can’t think of anything to say so he simply nods and Callum greedily presses back in between his thighs and inhales deeply before kissing along the length of Ben’s dick and swallowing it down, so far down that Ben hears him gag but he doesn’t relent. Every time Ben gets close to the edge, every time his belly pulls in tight and his knees lift, Callum pulls back and presses kisses against his inner thighs or dips his tongue into his belly button until he’s far enough away from the edge again. As time passes, the ebb and flow turns torturous. 

“Babe, I can’t take much more of this.”

Callum glances up and his stubble grazes along the length of Ben’s dick and he cries out, so close, so fucking close, a spike of pleasure like mercury through a thermometer causes a thick spurt of precum that Callum opens his mouth to receive and licks off his lips.

He crawls over Ben, his face shining with drool and precum and kisses him. Ben can taste both of them on his tongue and he thinks, _please, please let me never get used to this._

“I can do this for hours, I do, sometimes,” Callum says breathlessly.

“Not with me.”

“No way I could last hours with you.”

They fall back to kissing and Callum’s hand finds its way back to Ben’s throat until he can barely breathe, until the air between them is all there is. 

Fuck this.

Ben smacks Callum’s arse with his gloved hand as hard as he can and he pulls away in shock.

“Did it hurt?” Ben asks.

“Not in a bad way.”

Ben uses his teeth to yank off his gloves and wipes his sweaty hands on the sheets before he grabs at Callum to tackle him onto his back but he holds his own until Ben twists his nipple and then he relents and rolls onto his back, thick legs fallen open, sheening with sweat. God, he’s beautiful, he’s so beautiful. 

Ben remembers his hands and grabs hold of Callum, rough and desperate and Callum grabs him back and they claw at each other roughly as they kiss. Ben grabs a fistful of Callum’s hair and they grind together, their hands their own now, wanting only to dig and hold and undo.

Then he remembers what Callum said, what he said about _later_ and he pushes him flat on his back and laves at his nipple, dribbling saliva onto the sensitive skin and then he blows, softly at first but then he puckers his lips and Callum bucks his hips at the first shot of cold air. With his hand, he plays with Callum’s other nipple, tugs and squeezes while he licks and blows on the other until Callum’s a mess, muttering incoherent half words. He ghosts his hand along Callum’s body and feels how it dances under his touch and takes his dick in his hand. 

“I wanted us..” He cuts himself off with a soft moan but he tries again, “I wanted us to finish together.”

Ben rests his head on Callum’s chest and tilts his face to look at him, all a ploy to scratch his nipple with his stubble which elicits a filthy grunt from his man.

“More than you want my ring?” he strokes Callum’s dick and lets the metal hit the head of his dick just how he likes it. “More than you want my mouth?”

He doesn’t answer which is exactly what Ben figured. He alternates blowing, biting and sucking while he fists his dick and it only takes a few minutes before he’s panting and straining. He arches his back when he comes and he’s loud, loud like Ben’s never heard him before, all high pitched whines and soft _oh oh oh_ s and although he wishes he could see his face contorted in ecstasy, he is content with his boyfriend’s wanton moans and gasps. He comes in thick ropes that gush hot down Ben’s hand and which he takes great pleasure in licking clean as Callum watches.

Ben rubs his thighs as his body twitches through the comedown and plants soft kisses against his nipple. 

“That was amazing, you’re so good, you’re so perfect, baby. You sounded like a fucking angel.” Callum covers his face and Ben drags his hands away. “You gotta learn how to take a compliment if you’re gonna perform like that, babe.”

“Alright, thank you.” 

“Thank _you_.”

Callum smiles that huge sunshine smile and rolls Ben onto his back and rests on top of him, his knee planted between Ben’s legs and his teeth at his throat. 

“Touch me, Callum, it feels like a loaded gun.”

Callum hauls himself up with a grunt and stretches Ben’s arm out to nuzzle his face into his armpit and finds that spot that Ben told him about and kisses him there while his hand snakes across the contours of his body to his painfully hard dick. Something inside Ben breaks as Callum kisses this most secret place, he’s never told anyone about the way his orgasms sparkle under his arms before they subside and now Callum knows and wants to put his mouth against the very place, wants to know him that well.

Having reached the edge so many times already and his body still not yet accustomed to the way Callum twists his hand, every little touch, the friction, the pressure, it all combines to make his skin sing until he’s nothing but heat and this building, building, this endless building. The tickle of Callum’s tongue radiates through his armpit and spreads warm through his chest. When it all comes crashing down he comes hard, hard enough that he feels it everywhere and Callum keeps kissing his pit until it’s over. 

Callum rests his head on Ben’s chest and they breathe heavily until the room comes back down off the ceiling. Ben cards his fingers through Callum’s damp hair while Callum rubs his sides and kisses his skin. He could lay with Callum in his arms forever and never get bored. The sound of Callum's breathing turning to that gentle hum of his makes Ben smile. Callum keeps touching him everywhere like he can't believe he's real and Ben feels soothed and calm and then suddenly overwhelmed.

“I’m glad you stayed,” Ben whispers, because it’s true but also to break the silence.

“Me too. Are we going back to Walford tomorrow?”

“We’ve got the room for the whole weekend, babe.”

“Seriously?!”

“Lucky I’m your boyfriend, ey?”

Callum laughs. “Yeah. Actually, Ben, about that…”

His blood runs cold. “What?”

“If you’ve booked this for the whole weekend, I…” He stops and Ben wants to throw him onto his back and scream in his face _What?! Tell me!_ but he tries to breathe through the expanse of silence instead. “I was thinking, maybe... Tomorrow, maybe...”

“Anything, babe. Just tell me.”

“I want to... with you. Fuck, I dunno why this is so hard.”

Ben guides Callum to sit up and once he’s free of his weight holding him down, he gets under the duvet and covers himself with it defensively. Callum glances around and grabs a pillow to cover his crotch.

“Callum, it’s okay. Just say it. I ain’t gonna be angry and I won’t try to stop you.” 

Callum nods, solemn and quiet as Ben runs through a mental list of things he needs to do; he needs to call Callum a cab and he should get dressed to see him out so he’s not sitting here pathetic and naked as he walks out the door--

“Yeah alright, I’m just gonna come out with it. I want my first time to be with you and I want it to be tomorrow.”

“Huh?” 

Ben watches him speak but he can’t process a word of it, he glances towards the door, he can already see him leaving and yet he’s still sitting in front of him. He shakes his head to clear it and tries to focus on what he’s saying.

“...the other night but you was in a state. I just.. I keep thinking it’s gonna happen but I don’t think you’re ever gonna initiate it and-- and I appreciate that, I really do, Ben. But I’m ready.”

“I didn’t wanna push you.”

“Push me.”

Ben swallows hard. “Yeah. Okay. Tomorrow. Unless you change your mind.”

“I won’t.”

Callum gazes at him and leans in for a chaste kiss and for just a moment, Ben feels good and decent. Callum wants him, appreciates him, knows he meant well, feels like he can ask for what he wants. He recognises the feeling as pride and feels sick. He should tell him he’s wrong, he should tell him to leave.

He pulls away and blurts out the first thing he can think of to ruin the moment, “I err… I gotta piss and clean up.”

“Yeah alright.” Callum nods and then his eyes go wide. “They don’t have dressing gowns here, do they?”

Ben’s too caught off guard to move. “Robes? Yeah.”

Callum bounces out of bed and turns on every light in the room before re-emerging in a fluffy white robe that makes him look even softer and more beautiful than usual. 

“This is proper luxury, this is!” He beams. “Right, bathroom!” 

Ben glances at the door and his clothes on the floor and rolls his eyes at himself before following Callum naked into the bathroom. They clean up and brush their teeth elbow to elbow and then Callum sits on the edge of the bath to watch Ben change from his contacts to his glasses. He knows he should feel exposed or embarrassed but he doesn’t, he feels warm. Still, when Callum offers him the other robe, he puts it on and loves the way Callum holds the lapels of it when he kisses him.

Back in the room Callum flops into bed and then rolls back out of it again and looks out the window making appreciative noises about the view before sweeping the curtains closed, giddy and delighted like a little kid. 

Ben hovers by the mini fridge. “Water? Chocolate?”

“I just brushed me teeth.”

Ben tuts. “Come on, be naughty with me.”

They sit cross legged on the bed and Ben breaks apart a Kit-Kat and gives Callum half. 

“I ain’t ever stayed anywhere with dressing gowns and a little fridge in the room.”

“You deserve it.”

“Nahhh.”

“For putting up with me? Yeah, you do.”

“I ain’t ever gonna want to go home at this rate.”

“You’d get sick of me.”

“Don’t be daft,” Callum says, as if Ben was joking.

“You would.”

“You’d get sick of _me_.”

“Never.” 

Ben crawls over to Callum and cuddles against him as Callum holds him close. Callum’s hands feel different now, now he’s been everywhere, now he knows him completely. Losing him is going to hurt so much, his heart catches in his throat. 

“Can we swap?”

“Huh?”

Callum shifts and Ben catches on, rolls onto his back and lets Callum settle against his chest. There’s something about hotels, someone else changing the sheets, a weekend’s worth of clothes in the wardrobe and nothing else. It feels like a chance to exist outside of time. Maybe if they have a good enough time here this weekend then Callum will drop the copper stuff and see things as they really are and he’ll choose _them_ , this. Maybe Ben will love him so well that things will work out when they get home. You never know. He strokes his fingers through Callum’s hair and is shocked when he stirs and sits bolt upright. 

"Can I.. nah… don’t matter.

"What?" 

"Can I update my status to _In A Relationship_? I don't have to say who with or anything."

"You what?" 

Callum’s smile fades. "On Facebook."

"Why wouldn't you say who you were with?"

"Just in case you didn't want people knowing."

"I will go shout it from the rooftop if you want proof I ain't thinking that!"

Callum grins and leans over for his phone. "Ain't single no more,” he sings.

Ben chuckles to himself and picks up his phone to do the same. There's nothing on his profile but family photos he's been tagged in. 

"In A Relationship With Ben Mitchell,” Callum announces, like it’s news.

"Poor you!" 

"Don't say that."

"There." Ben shows Callum his phone screen. 

"We need some photos together."

“Come here.”

Ben puts the lights on that illuminate the headboard as Callum snuggles in close. He holds his phone at arms length and takes a selfie of the two of them cuddling.

The photo is soft and fuzzy because of the lighting but Ben zooms in on Callum gazing at him. It's nice. They look perfect together. 

"Are you gonna post that?" Callum asks.

"Nah, reckon this one's just for us."

“Just for us,” Callum repeats.

"Mm."

Callum kisses Ben's jaw and then crawls over him and kisses him softly, he tastes sweet, not just because of the chocolate, he always does really.

The kiss deepens and Ben can feel himself floating again. He doesn’t want to think about tomorrow, he doesn’t want to think about anything. Callum undoes the belt of his robe and places a firm hand at the small of his back to pull him close and he wraps his legs around his waist and lets his mind drift as Callum’s hands overtake him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! The next chapter will be in one or two weeks and it's a biggy because yes, it's Callum's first time. I actually can't wait, it's time Callum was looked after and given everything he's been wanting, isn't it?!


	16. 9th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is determined to make sure Callum's first time is perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you were wondering, I changed my pseud and my tumblr username from kitzombie to asofterkit.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Alcohol consumption, D/s dynamics, first times, penetrative sex.

_**9th November 2019, 7.36pm** _

Ben buckles his belt and takes a seat on the edge of the bed to slip on his shoes. Clothes feel unnatural after an entire day of being naked in bed with his boyfriend but needs must. 

“Are you sure you don’t mind going down to the bar? Like sure sure?”

Ben looks over at Callum perched on the desk across the room wearing nothing but his boxers. Apparently the robe was too hot or something, he doesn’t care, he’s just grateful for the gorgeous view.

“I’ve already told ya ten times, I’m sure sure.”

Callum runs his hand through his hair and Ben wonders if he knows what he’s doing to him looking like that.

“I know, I just feel like I’m kicking you out of your own room.”

Ben wanders over to him, slow, and enjoys the way Callum straightens up and moves towards him, licking his lips in anticipation.

He slips his arms around Callum’s neck.

“Our room. And anyway, I don’t mind so long as you…” he drops a hand to squeeze Callum’s arse, “ _let me in_ later.”

Callum shakes his head but he’s smiling and before Ben can further reassure him, he finds himself being kissed, big hands at his waist and soft lips against his own.

“I won’t be long. I’m just gonna have a wash and--”

“--Babe. Take as long as you need. I’ll only be downstairs.”

“You won’t go off with one of them blokes in nice suits if I take too long, will ya?”

“Baby, I’d wait all night for you.”

Callum laughs and pushes him away, firm but playful in a way that sends shivers down his spine. 

“Alright, alright! I’ll take my time and text you when I’m ready. I appreciate you giving me space, ya know, to get ready and that. It’s nice to be with someone who gets it.”

“Yeah, it is.” Ben prods Callum’s bare stomach. “Actually, there is something you can do for me.”

“Yeah, ‘course. Anything.”

“Bend over for me, gimme a preview.”

“Get out.”

Ben holds his hands up, feigning innocence and Callum smiles all dimples and sunshine as he marches him towards the door, unable or unwilling to even fake irritation. They kiss goodbye, for now, and Callum watches Ben go until he reaches a turn in the corridor.

It feels like a gift to be able to give Callum space, to be able to do this totally on his terms. He gets into the lift and rests against the corner Callum pressed him into yesterday and is overcome, in an instant he can feel him there again, the weight of him, the crush of his body. 

Tonight he feels like he’s giving himself to Callum not the other way around.

Downstairs, the hotel is Saturday night busy but he manages to snag a stool at the edge of the bar next to a couple who seem not to notice him. He orders a vodka on the rocks and lays his phone out in front of him. It’s only been a few minutes but he gives it a shake to bring the screen to life all the same just in case. 

Callum had seemed shy about preparing for tonight with Ben around so he'd hopped out of the bed and started getting dressed telling him he fancied a drink anyway, knowing Callum would never agree to something that was only of benefit to himself, no matter how much Ben wanted to be able to do something nice for him. He wanted tonight to be good, better than good. He wanted it to be whatever Callum had been dreaming of. 

The ice in his drink was meant to slow him down but he’s nervous and he finds himself draining the glass.

He tries to focus on the action in the room but it’s as boring as any hotel bar, people chatting politely, some a little louder than others, generic music. His mind drifts to an image of Callum in the bath, one leg slung up on the side of it and his fingers pressed inside himself, his eyes rolled back, his broad chest heaving, water spilling onto the floor as he arches his back, his mouth falling open.

“Sir?”

He looks up to see the bartender staring at him. “What, sorry?”

“Another?” She points at his empty glass and glances around at the bustling bar as if to say he should really refresh it or leave.

“Yeah. Double.”

He prods his phone again. Nothing. His fingers twitch as he considers texting Jay but that would only lead to his heart leaping into his mouth if his brother replied before Callum got in touch so he decides against it and drums on the bar instead to try and release some tension which doesn’t do much either.

He feels like he could take off running and make it all the way to Margate before he’d run out of breath.

The thought of Callum, flushed red and gasping, fucking himself in a hot bath floods his mind again until he feels lightheaded. He plucks an ice cube out of his drink and cracks it between his teeth to try and ground himself and clear his head. Suddenly the bath is replaced by a bed, Callum sprawled out on clean white sheets, three fingers deep and an ice cube melting against his chest.

Fuck.

He unlocks his phone. Nothing. 

Tonight has to be perfect, he has to be on top form not lost in stupid fucking fantasies. Tonight has to be exactly what Callum deserves. He’s been waiting half his life for tonight. He stops himself from taking another sip of his drink, he needs to keep a clear head. 

After a few excruciating minutes he decides to ring Lola. She answers on the third ring and her voice is like coming home, it makes him instantly relax.

“How’s Lex?”

“Asleep, she’s wiped out after today.”

Ben rests his elbow on the bar and leans his ear against his phone so as to hear her better over the din and asks her to tell him everything about their day. She talks for a while about where they went, what they ate, how Lexi rolled her eyes at Billy and looked so much like her dad for a moment that Lola ended up helpless with laughter. 

She cuts herself off abruptly and Ben holds his phone away from his ear to make sure the call wasn’t dropped.

When he listens again he hears her ask, “Ben? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sorry, thought we’d been cut off.”

“No, I mean, you’re away for the weekend with Callum and you’re sat listening to me go on.”

“You wasn’t going on, you were telling me about our daughter. I care about our family, Lola, I--”

“I know, Ben. I didn’t mean that. Just.. Pam’s visit and what happened with the funeral… I know you love Jay and you meant well… and Pam coming back must have brought up a lot.”

He sighs deeply. “Callum’s in the shower, that’s all.”

“Did you sort things? You ain’t still thinking of chucking him, are ya?”

“Nah, nah. Momentary lapse ‘nd all that. I reckon he’ll change his mind about this copper stuff anyway.” He waits for her to agree but she doesn’t. “Anyway, I’ll see ya Monday, yeah?”

“Yeah, ‘course. Love ya.”

“You too.”

He hangs up and his vision goes blurry for a second as he checks for a notification, heart racing in anticipation in case he missed something during the call. Nothing. 

He cracks another half melted ice cube between his teeth and draws a dirty look from one half of the couple next to him which is quickly wiped off the man’s face when Ben scowls at him in return. Boring. Nobody has any follow through anymore.

Except that isn’t true. Callum does. Callum’s like a dog with a bone. 

There’s this moment that he can’t shake no matter what he tries to replace it with; the two of them standing in the car lot, Callum staring him down and saying _We have something, Ben_ with a certainty that made Ben feel certain too. He’d never felt so sure of anything as he did in that moment. It scared him, blindsided him. There was something between them, something indefinable, something that was there from the first time their hands touched in the Vic. 

He crunches another ice cube and stares at a different bartender shaking up a cocktail, his arms are huge and Ben watches the way his muscles flex as he works. He’s hot but he’s not Callum. Nobody’s Callum. He doesn’t deserve someone as perfect as Callum and yet Ben’s his first everything. First kiss, first fumble, first fuck. He wonders if he’s his first love before he can stop himself. He hopes he is, he hopes he isn’t. 

His phone chimes and he fucks up trying to swipe open the notification so many times that he has to enter his passcode but gets that wrong too because his hands are trembling, what a fucking cock tease. He takes a deep breath and rubs a hand across his face then with all the precision of a surgeon he unlocks his phone to reveal the most beautiful message he’s ever received.

_Come up xx_

His dismount off the barstool is far from graceful but he doesn’t care, all that matters is getting upstairs to his man. He hurries through the lobby and fixes his hair in the mirrored walls of the lift, heart pounding, palms sweaty. 

He knocks on their door and Callum answers in his robe, cheeks flushed pink, damp hair swept across his forehead and Ben takes a step back, overcome by the sight of him, by the perfection that is him. Callum blushes and ducks his head to hide the smile blooming on his face as he steps aside to let Ben pass.

“Nice shower?”

“Yeah, it was good, thanks. Nice drink?”

“Mm hm.” Ben nods.

Ben glances around as if he’s looking for clues for what to do next. The bed is made which it wasn’t when he left the room. Callum made the bed. Of course he did. The clothes that were strewn on the floor are gone too.

He whirls around to look at him and Callum startles. “Did you tidy up?”

“Just a bit, yeah.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I mean. I feel bad. I’m meant to be looking after you.”

Callum shrugs and then a silence so thick and heavy Ben swears he can taste it descends on the room. Ben pulls Callum in close by the lapels of his robe and kisses him, the same kind of tender, hesitant kiss they first shared that night in the park. That first night, this first night. Ben’s heart beats out of step and makes him falter. 

Callum hooks his fingers through Ben’s belt loops and walks backwards, dragging Ben along with him to the bed. He lays himself down and holds out his hands for Ben to crawl over him and he does as if in a trance. He opens Callum’s robe and exposes him, naked and beautiful beneath him. 

Callum runs his hands over Ben’s dark shirt and lower along the line of his trousers, fingers pausing on his belt for just a second. The contrast is stunning, Callum so clean and pure and then there’s Ben. 

Callum opens his legs for Ben to fit between them and feeling him spread out beneath him, for him, is almost too much to bear. Callum reaches for the buttons of his shirt and then seems to change his mind and cups the back of Ben’s neck instead to drag him down to his warm mouth. Ben nudges Callum's nose with his own before kissing him, sucking on his bottom lip, biting down just hard enough to make Callum squirm.

Ben kneels up and stares down at Callum, at the feast of his body spread out under him. It's a sight to behold and his blood runs hot in his veins as he takes it in, makes him hard, clouds out all the swirling thoughts, all the fear. He grabs a handful of the soft flesh that surrounds Callum's nipple and squeezes hard causing his boyfriend to cry out, a filthy high pitched cry that has a direct line to Ben's dick. Ben rubs himself through his trousers and a shock of sensation bends him over double. Fuck he's never been so turned on in his life and they haven't even started yet. 

Ben kneads the tender flesh and grasps the other side as well, holding the soft rounds of Callum's chest in his hands, groping him hard and dirty until Callum's eyes roll back to the whites and he scratches uselessly at the bed sheets. Ben watches as his fingers sink into the meat of his chest and feels feral, determined.

Callum groans loud, loud like last night. With nobody to hear them, he’s letting go, opening up. Except they’ve been alone before, this is something else. Something Ben doesn’t dare try to define. He wants to fuck him, he wants this, they both want it. It doesn’t have to be complicated. 

He lifts away one of his hands and presses it between Callum’s legs, his fingers finding their way across tender virgin skin.

“Ben, I….”

He looks up to see Callum’s eyes wide with, what? Panic? Revulsion. He yanks his hands back and falls into a sitting position opposite him. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did that, we ain’t even talked about it. I got carried away."

"You didn’t do anything wrong. It was good, what we was doing. I just…" he swipes at his forehead and Ben notices that he's sweating, "It's actually going somewhere this time and.. and I want to, don’t get me wrong, I just…”

“Just not with me?”

Ben,” he says softly, “Come on, you know that ain’t true.”

Ben feels stupid, so fucking stupid.

“You shouldn’t be the one reassuring me, you shouldn’t have to look after--”

Callum half sits and pulls Ben towards him to shut him up with a kiss. It’s a relief, the slip of his tongue and the warmth of his boyfriend’s hand on his neck. He lets himself fall and they knit together, pulling apart only so Callum can start to undress him though he only manages to undo a few shirt buttons and the buckle of his belt before they're kissing again, too hungry to part for long. Callum wraps his arm around Ben's waist and pulls him close and deepens the kiss, desperate hands dragging Ben's trousers down along with his boxers, both moaning at the first shock of skin on skin.

Callum finds Ben's hand and guides it down to his arse for Ben to grab and grope and he grunts into his mouth, the kiss becoming harder, teeth clacking together, their breathing harsh. 

Ben shoves Callum away and he lands on his back with a grunt, thick thighs fallen open and glistening in the half light. 

"I'm ready."

It's impossible to process at first, the meaning of those words feels out of reach but then it hits him like a sucker punch to the stomach. 

He's ready. 

Ben reaches over to the nightstand for the lube he stowed there the night before and dribbles some on his fingers, it's easier said than done due to the shake in his hands but he manages it. 

"I'll… slow. I'll err.. I'll start slow." He shakes his head to try and clear it but it's no good. It doesn't matter though because Callum shuffles his knees further apart and nods his head in frantic agreement. 

Ben falls over Callum and kisses his neck, sucking on that spot that makes him crazy all the while snaking his hand down, down. This time when he trails his fingers across the tender flesh beneath his balls, Callum whimpers high in his throat. 

With the lightest of touches, Ben teases his hole and to his utter delight, Callum arches his back as if on reflex. Ben breaks from kissing his neck to look along his body and sees his dick half hard against his belly and lifts his hand from between his legs to stroke it. 

"You was right about you mechanics being good with your hands."

Ben presses a kiss against Callum's cheek. "You ain't seen half of what I can do yet."

Callum sighs contentedly as Ben strokes his dick until he's fully hard and starts to writhe when he doesn't relent, jolting as he swipes the pad of his thumb across his slit.

"That one of your tricks of the trade?" Callum asks, the shake in his voice belying his light-hearted tone. 

"Might be. You like it?"

"Mmm."

"Ready for more?

"Yeah," he sighs. 

Ben applies some more lube and slips his hand back down this time pressing the tip of his finger inside and further still to the first knuckle. He looks at Callum and he nods so he presses deeper until his finger is all the way inside. 

Ben notices the silence before he takes in Callum's face. He's looking at him with an expression he can't read but one that doesn't exactly fill him with hope. 

Suddenly Ben wishes he was naked with him, he wishes he'd taken it slower or done it differently. He wishes all of this was different. He should have planned it, he should have put some fucking effort in for once. 

“Is it.. Okay?” Ben already knows the answer but he has to ask.

“Yeah. Weird.”

“Painful?”

“No, not at all just... Odd.”

Ben remembers lying the wrong way on Paul’s single bed with his head down the foot of the bed so he could rest one leg on his bedside table while Paul worked two fingers inside him - never one to do things by halves - and Ben remembers it being fucking magical, angels singing, fireworks exploding. And he hadn’t been gagging for it like Callum was, he’d only agreed to it out of curiosity, never expecting to spend the rest of the weekend a slave to his boyfriend’s fingers. 

“Oh. Maybe it’s the angle.”

Ben tilts his wrist and Callum winces. 

“It don't hurt it's just…" he laughs nervously. "Umm.. maybe try another,” he clears his throat, “another finger?” 

Ben can feel sweat pricking along his hairline and he really fucking wishes he wasn't still half dressed. He slowly pulls his finger free and takes off his shirt, chucking it behind him, sick of the sight of it. 

He lubes his fingers and circles Callum's hole and applies gentle pressure but the moment is gone, he's too scared of hurting him and anyway Callum's whole body is rigid with tension.

“It ain’t happening, babe.”

Callum smiles weakly and sits up, grabbing a pillow to cover his now soft dick. 

Fuck.

Ben knows he has to do something, something to start the night off again and get it all right this time. He refuses to call this fucked and give up but the last thing he wants to do is sit and fucking talk it all through. 

“I err… I’m gonna go get something," he announces before the plan is even fully formed in his head. 

Callum looks perplexed, worried even.

“Just from downstairs. I won't be long. Get into bed, stay warm.” 

Ben pulls up his boxers and trousers then throws on a black t-shirt out of his overnight bag as Callum obediently does as he’s told.

"You're coming back, yeah?"

Callum's words are like a knife through his heart but he only has himself to blame for Callum asking him something like that. Ben sits by him on the bed and cups his face. 

"I just have to get something. I can't wait to spend the night with you, nothing could make me leave."

"Okay."

"I'll be quick."

Callum leans into the palm of Ben's hand and his eyes fall closed, just for a moment, and then he rests back against the headboard. 

"I ain't going anywhere."

Ben goes to the bathroom to wash his hands and put himself back together then leaves the room. The atmosphere in the corridor feels thinner and suddenly it’s easier to breathe. He gulps in lungfuls of air that he didn't even know he needed and leans heavily against the wall. Fuck. It’s okay. It’s okay, it’s okay. He gropes along the wall to the lift and when it arrives he collapses into the far corner of it. This is salvageable. This is going to be good. He hasn't ruined anything, not yet. Not completely. 

The lobby is busy but he doesn't mind waiting to speak to the concierge. He knows he should be worried about getting back to Callum but he needs the time to collect himself. 

When he's almost reached the front of the queue he realises he doesn't know why he's there. Shit. He needs a drink, he knows that much. He glances towards the bar and his mind drifts to the image of Callum he conjured up as he waited for his text. 

The concierge flashes him a tight smile and he steps forward, armed with an idea. 

"How can I help you?" 

"Can I get a bottle of bubbly in an ice bucket?”

"Room?"

"1103."

"Yes. I'll have one sent up."

"Nah, I'll take it myself. And we don't need glasses."

She sighs and glances up at him as if to evaluate whether he can be trusted to do it himself and then makes a call. "It'll be a minute."

A man arrives with a silver ice bucket containing a bottle of mid price but still expensive champagne.

"I'll take it to your room, sir."

Ben nods. Fair enough. Maybe he looks like the sort of twat who'd drop it halfway across the lobby. It isn't the worst thing someone's thought of him and when he notices the tremble in his hands, he understands why he probably came to that conclusion. They ride in the lift together and Ben tips him at the door and says goodnight.

Ben finds himself watching him go, not out of any kind of interest but because once he's gone, there'll be nothing left but to do but go back into the room. He disappears out of sight and Ben retrieves his keycard. 

Here goes nothing. 

"Ta-da!" He says lifting the bucket up high.

The headboard lights are on and Callum's hair is illuminated halo-like. He smiles broadly at the sight of Ben. 

“You was getting a bottle of bubbly?”

“I’ll have you know this is _champagne_.”

He laughs and Callum laughs with him and his chest floods with happiness and relief. Overcome, he sets the bucket down and rushes over to Callum to kiss him soft and sweet and his heart flips when he feels Callum smile against his mouth. 

"You doing the honours then?" Callum asks. 

"Of course." He grabs the bottle by the neck and tears away the foil. 

“Thought it might be nice to pop a cork before I pop your--”

“Ben!”

He opens the bottle with ease having been shown the way to do it by a former hookup but thinks better of telling Callum that. 

"Thirsty?"

"Yeah, where are the glasses?" 

Ben walks over to Callum, slow and deliberate, then yanks the bedsheets away in one swift movement. Callum jumps hard and looks up at him, lips parted, lost and breathing hard. 

Ben uses his knee to part Callum's legs, which he does willingly, spreading them wide enough for Ben to stand between them. 

Lifting the bottle to his lips, Ben takes a long drink, relishing both the taste of the champagne and the burn of Callum's eyes fixed on him the entire time. Turning his attention back to Callum, Ben puts a hand around his throat, beneath his jaw. Callum's eyes go wide as Ben raises his hand to tilt his chin. 

"Open your mouth," Ben orders. 

Callum parts his lips. 

Ben takes a swig from the bottle then leans down and allows the champagne to flow from his mouth into Callum's.

He does it again, this time tightening his grip on Callum's throat before moving in close. Callum moans as the champagne runs warm into his mouth, his hands seeking out Ben's waist to hold him in place.

Ben bangs the bottle down on the bedside table and Callum gasps and looks at Ben, amazed, excited. 

Encircling his wrists, Ben removes Callum's hands from his waist and takes a step back. With Callum staring at him, he begins to undress. First his shoes and then his t-shirt which he removes slowly and then his belt which he pulls free of his trousers and whips against the bed. Callum licks his lips when he unzips his fly and reaches out to him like a man possessed when he hooks his thumbs in the waistband of his boxers. 

"You wanna do the honours this time?"

Callum nods and gets up before Ben can go towards him and falls to his knees before he can stop him. He pulls Ben's boxers down and doesn't wait even for him to step out of them before he's got his mouth on him, sucking on his balls so enthusiastically that Ben has to grasp hold of his shoulders to keep from falling. The pull feels good, so good, fuck. Callum, always full of surprises, completely unpredictable, a challenge, a headfuck, the best man he knows, good with his fists and his mouth and fuck, Ben is not about to come all over both of them five minutes into foreplay. 

"Bed, Callum, _please_."

Callum draws free and clambers to his feet, his chin shining with drool and his dick hard and straining. 

"Bed," Ben repeats and they stumble backwards together landing on top of the sheets out of breath and wide eyed. 

The plan, Ben needs to remember the plan. 

He reaches into the bucket that contained the champagne bottle for a chunk of ice and holds it up like it's something precious. With one hand clutching Callum's hair, Ben kneels between his legs and slides the ice along Callum's neck and then his jaw and across his lips, allowing it to melt against the corner of his mouth. 

"D'you wanna play with the ice?"

Callum nods then remembers their covenant, "Yes. Yes, I'll say Red if I want to stop."

"Good boy," Ben purrs. 

He shifts Callum onto his back and straddles him then takes another piece of ice and trails it down his chest. It's as good as it was in his fantasy, actually it's better because it's real. All of this is real. His head starts to swim again, this is his Callum, the one who saved his life, who saw who he really is. A rush of something, emotion, maybe love, fills him up and he leans down and kisses him because he can't tell him how he feels, not in words, not yet. 

The ice melted, he seeks out another piece and this time circles it around Callum nipple eliciting a groan. With the ice he draws shapes across the soft flesh of Callum's chest leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake which he chases away with hot kisses. Focusing then on the more sensitive side, Ben once again traces around Callum's nipple, watching it harden before hitting the peak of it with the ice cube and bumping it across the uneven surface of skin surrounding it as Callum twists and whimpers. His chest is still as if he's holding himself in, trying to keep himself together. 

When Ben glances aside and sees that he's gripping the sheets, his muscles all gone stiff. 

Ben bows his head and catches his nipple between his teeth, the contrast between the cold ice and his hot mouth makes Callum cry out, a desperate sound he'd been holding in along with his breath and with that Ben feels him shift his knees even further apart. There now. 

Ben kisses up to Callum's jaw, nipping his way to that spot behind his ear and then retrieves another ice cube and starts slowly, slowly drawing a line with the ice from his ear down his throat, along his shoulder and down his chest, following the ice with his mouth, tasting him, biting, sucking, marking him up. He licks up the precum stuck to the smattering of hair on his belly but resists a further taste, kissing past his dick down to his thighs, trailing the ice across hot skin and then sinking his teeth in, intoxicated by the heady smell of him between his legs. 

Callum chants his name and arches his back, he's opening up and breaking apart. 

Ben procures one last piece of ice and trails it across his own lips before popping it in his mouth. Callum watches him, chest heaving and eyes blown.

He sticks out his tongue to reveal a sliver of ice then lowers himself back between Callum's legs and licks from the root of his dick to the head. 

"Oh my God, fuck, _fuck_ that feels.. that feels.."

Ben presses the tip of his ice cold tongue into Callum's slit and he reaches back to press his hands against the headboard, stretching out his body as an offering to Ben, sacrificing himself to his tongue. 

Hooking his hands behind Callum's knees he presses them up into his stomach and dips his head to flick his icy tongue against Callum's hole. 

He pauses to wait for a reaction, some kind of subtle permission to do it again but instead Callum puts one big heavy hand at the nape of his neck and when he darts his tongue out again, experimentally, he utters a high pitched _Fuck_ followed by a litany of desperate pleas.

Ben circles his hole with his tongue and then alternates flicking and rimming trying to keep it unpredictable.

Ben always hated this, doing it, receiving it, all of it. Hot in theory, not in execution. But with Callum it was different, his scent, clean but unmistakably _him_ , the heat of his skin, the way Ben's tongue makes his whole body tremble as if he were being run through with electricity - fuck it was perfect, everything, **everything** was better with him. 

Ben presses the flat of his tongue against his hole, laving at it until Callum begins to shake hard, his knees every so often banging into Ben's shoulders, a cacophony of moans filling every molecule of the air around them.

He rolls his tongue and penetrates his hole and Callum reaches for his dick unbidden, stroking himself hard and fast, rocking the bed with his furious momentum, as Ben slowly pulls out, unfurling his tongue as he does. 

"Where's your self restraint, Highway?" Ben snarls and everything goes still as Callum lets go of his dick, hissing through gritted teeth at the sudden lack of sensation. 

"Need more," he grunts with a defiant half shrug. 

Ben's mind races, he doesn't know what more he has to give down here but then Callum reaches for him and pulls at him so he kneels up, breathless and sweating. 

Callum runs a hand down Ben's arm and intertwines their fingers. "More."

 _Oh._

Ben licks his lips and finds them dry so he takes a glug of champagne. It feels gloriously decadent, to devour his boyfriend and wash him down with champagne. Callum props himself up on his elbows and parts his lips and Ben takes another swig then leans down and presses his mouth over Callum's and allows the champagne to flow between them then kisses him, the most tender of kisses. 

"Talk to me, babe," Ben whispers. 

"I want more. It's good. I'm good." 

Feeling assured that Callum's head is in the right place, Ben dribbles lube onto his fingers and draws circles around his hole until his arms give way and he collapses boneless back onto the bed.

This time when Ben presses inside, Callum sighs and smiles up at him. 

"Still feel weird?"

"Nah, it's nice."

Nice is good, nice is a start. Ben bites his lip to hide the grin threatening to bloom on his face. 

With his other hand he strokes Callum's dick, occasionally bumping his ring over the ridge knowing he has to be careful with that or this will all be over when they've barely even started. Ben moves his finger until he's pressing against the spot that makes Callum reach up and grab hold of a pillow, sinking his fingers into it with a white knuckle grip. 

"Good?" Ben asks. 

"Intense. Hot. Ah…Fuck, feels… feels hot inside."

"Wanna try another finger?"

"Yeah…," he sighs and then, more definitively, says, "Yes."

Ben pulls his finger free as slowly as he can and adds more lube before working two fingers inside, turning them this way and that until he's all the way in. 

He looks up at Callum and sees he has his eyes closed. 

"Baby, look at me."

Callum meets his gaze. 

"This okay?"

"Yeah."

Ben presses his fingers against that sweet spot and wiggles them just a little up and down, Callum looks placid, relaxed so he takes hold of his dick and strokes him, twisting his hand the way Callum likes it until he begins squirming, every part of him moving, rolling, jerking all the while mewling and whining. 

Ben laughs, so much joy bubbling up from his chest that he can't contain it. 

"Fuck, look at you, you're perfect. You were made for this, baby, you're doing so fucking good." 

A stream of slick heat gushes over Ben's hand and for a moment he's worried he tipped him over the edge but it's only precum. Still, he's close and there's so much yet to achieve. 

Ben lets go of his dick and Callum makes an adorable sound of disappointment but is quickly placated by Ben's mouth on his. Ben kisses him, slow and deep as he works his hand in the same way, scissoring his fingers and pushing as far as he can. 

The wet sounds that fill the room, obscene and dirty, remind Ben of his own need and he grinds his aching dick against Callum's hip to gain some semblance of relief but just that, that small contact sends blinding white pleasure through his body. 

Fuck, he wants him. He wants to fuck him and Callum wants it too. 

Ben breaks the kiss and gently pulls his fingers free and goes to add a third when Callum grabs his arm. 

"Need a sec," he gasps. 

"Shit, I didn't mean-- I should've checked--"

"--No, no, it's fine… I want it, I just.."

Callum cracks up laughing and for a second Ben wonders what's so funny but it's contagious and he finds himself laughing too. 

"So you're okay?"

Callum cups Ben's face, "I've never been more okay in my life. I just need to catch my breath." He glances down at his dick bobbing helplessly up and down. "I know that tells a different story."

Ben chuckles. "Don't worry, it's you I'm listening to."

Callum closes the gap between them and kisses Ben.

He rubs Ben's arm and pulls away with a look of concern. "What's the matter?"

He didn't realise anything was wrong until Callum asked but suddenly it's obvious. 

"I just want this to be perfect. You've waited half your life for this."

“Ben, I ain’t been waiting for… for this. I've been waiting for you."

Ben doesn't know what to say and has recently learned that sometimes that means it's better not to say anything at all. 

He rests his head on Callum's shoulder and then kisses his neck, damp with sweat and adorned with pretty red bite marks that are tender enough to make Callum grunt when he presses little sucking kisses against them. 

"Do it, please. Please." 

Ben lays his boyfriend down again and slips two fingers inside and then tries to add a third but is met with resistance. 

"I dunno why…" Callum says, his voice high with panic, like he's desperate for Ben to know this is body betraying him, it isn't about them. 

"Don't worry," Ben soothes, "I know what to do."

Callum nods frantically and pets Ben's hair with a trembling hand. 

"Just relax," Ben whispers. 

He shuffles down the bed and comes to rest once again between Callum's legs then, without warning, he takes his dick in his mouth and slides down, almost all the way down. Callum yells and fuck, Ben still isn't used to hearing him like this, so uninhibited, it makes his dick twitch.

With three fingers against his hole, Ben hollows his cheeks and sucks hard back to the head of his dick and swirls his tongue before taking him back down again to the root and finally, as if by magic, his fingers slide inside with ease. 

"Fuck, fuck! The stretch, it's… it's…" Callum grunts guttural, dirty. 

Ben spreads his fingers and Callum thrusts up into his mouth hitting the back of his throat, he's long since learned to control his gag reflex but this time he's caught off guard and he pulls away coughing.

"I'm fine," he splutters unconvincingly but Callum is so lost that he doesn't seem to notice or if he does, he's too far gone to react. 

Ben watches the way his dick strains and leaks and his stomach draws in. If he doesn't get to fuck him in the next five minutes he's going to explode. He forces himself to look down at his own hand and at the way Callum's hole is stretched around his fingers and nearly comes all over himself at the mere sight of it. 

In a haze he works his fingers free and wipes them on a tissue so he can cup Callum's face with both hands to get his attention. 

"Are you ready?"

He nods and Ben raises an eyebrow.

"I mean yes, yes. I'm ready."

Ben knocks the lube off the nightstand and curses himself, not trusting his legs enough to try and stand, he leans over and fishes it up off the floor. His hands don't feel like his own, everything feels surreal and urgent. 

He dribbles the lube and presses Callum's knees towards his chest and they look at each other with wild eyes. Between Callum's legs, face to face, sharing air, it's more intimate than anything he's ever--

"Do it."

Ben is snapped from his reverie back to reality.

"Right. Yeah, yeah."

Ben lines the head of his dick up against Callum's hole and starts to drive his hips forward and for a moment it's perfect, all searing heat and rising anticipation. But he pushes on and hits a wall. He wiggles his hips and holds his dick firmly in his hand to try and get a better angle but nothing. On the third try, he manages to press inside but quickly hits resistance again and Callum instinctively moves away. 

"Feels like I'm being impaled," he offers by way of explanation, discomfort painted all over his face. 

"In a good way?" Ben asks, even though he knows the answer.

"Is there a good way?"

Ben can feel panic creeping up his spine and settling at the nape of his neck but he shakes it off. "Get on your side, baby."

"No, I ain't doing that. I want to see you. I want you like this."

Callum places a hand flat over Ben's heart and for a moment he melts but he needs to do what's right.

"Babe, I understand, I do. But we can do it six ways from Sunday once you get the hang of it."

Callum frowns and turns awkwardly onto his side. Undeterred, Ben manoeuvres his leg up and settles behind him, looping his arm around his waist and kissing his shoulders until he starts to relax.

"You okay?" Ben whispers into the crook of his neck. 

"Yeah, try again."

Ben lazily strokes Callum's dick as he presses against his hole. 

"Deep breath, you got this."

Callum inhales deeply and Ben feels his body give way to him and he pushes inside, the head of his dick slipping past the tight ring. Callum moans on the exhale, reaching back blindly to grab hold of Ben. 

"Still feel like you're being impaled?" Ben asks. 

"Only in a good way."

Ben laughs, really laughs and feels all of the tension leave his body. 

He moves his hand from Callum's dick to his nipple and flicks the hard peak of it as he slowly sinks deeper inside. 

A refrain of soft Ohs and high whimpers falls from Callum's mouth turning to loud, grunts and moans when Ben starts to move. 

"Oh fuck it.. it.. burns, I.."

Ben stops in an instant, "Burns? Like hurts? It shouldn't hurt--"

"--No, no. It's good, really fucking good."

Ben pulls out almost all the way and pushes back in as slowly as he can going as deep as he can go. He tries to focus on Callum, to think of his pleasure, this is his first time, he wants it to last, he wants fireworks, but he's so fucking tight and he smells so good and sounds so beautiful that Ben can barely stand it. 

He keeps going slow and deep to try and stay on the edge, keeping away from the friction he knows will be the end of him but starts to lose it anyway when Callum rolls his body in time with his thrusts. It builds and builds and Ben twists Callum's nipple to try and bring him closer too. 

Eventually he has no choice but to make a confession. 

"Babe, I'm so fucking close."

Callum groans and takes hold of his own dick, stroking hard and fast, not missing a beat moving against Ben and soon it's all a blur. Ben sinks his fingers into Callum's chest and lets his body take over. 

Ben grinds into him on the upthrust and Callum gasps Don't pull out and fuck if those aren't the three little words Ben's been longing to hear. 

He smacks Callum's hand away to grasp his dick and fists it hard as he pumps erratically and Callum reaches back with his now free hand and digs his fingers painfully into Ben's side. Callum tips first, hot cum gushing over Ben's knuckles and his insides drawing in tight pushing Ben over and fuck does filling him up feel good. He hears himself scream out, completely out of control now. 

Every time he starts to come down, something reminds him that this is _Callum_ and another jolt of pleasure shudders through his bones. 

Only Callum stilling the hand he has wrapped around his dick brings him back to himself. 

He can't speak, can't even feel his face. He pulls out slowly and rolls onto his back and Callum does the same. 

They lay side by side but God, Ben wants to see him so he props himself up and looks down at Callum's face sparkling with sweat and dappled rosy red. He looks like an angel. 

"Hey," Ben whispers, carding his fingers through Callum's damp hair. 

Callum responds with the sweetest of smiles before his eyes flutter closed and within seconds he's snoring softly. Ben lifts Callum's arm and it flops dead weight onto the mattress. Ben chuckles to himself, it's always a good sign when Callum conks out after sex so he can't exactly complain.

Ben wants to tell him that he loves him, he wants to tell him so badly it feels like his chest might break. Instead he transmutes the words into kisses and bestows them upon Callum's sleeping body, not stopping until he wakes up.

"I passed out," Callum mumbles. 

Ben looks up from his belly. "You're so fucking cute."

"That was amazing, I don't really have the words."

Ben crawls up the bed and rests his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. 

"Amazing'll do me." 

"I felt it everywhere, I can't explain it, it was like every part of my body was joined up? I even felt it in my face."

"What? 'Ere?"

Ben reaches up and pinches his cheek between his thumb and forefinger and Callum giggles all bubbly and delighted. 

Everything Ben wants to say surges into his throat and pricks at him like thorns so he nestles between Callum’s legs and breathes him in and he drops kisses like rain all over Callum’s thighs hoping against hope that he'll be able to transmit how he’s feeling without words.

“God, Ben, I can’t take it, come up here.”

Ben’s blood runs cold and he scrambles up to Callum.

“What's wrong?”

"Nothing, you was just driving me up the wall doing that."

Ben settles against his chest and cuddles into him. He can practically feel his racing heartbeat against his cheek so he tenderly trails his fingertips up and down his arm to calm him.

Callum groans and shifts uncomfortably, his knees turning inwards and his feet slipping against the sheets. That chill runs through Ben once again. He's in pain and he won't say, he went too far too fast, he's too fucking nice to tell him he's hurt. 

He swallows down his terror, he's man enough to hear this and to deal with it, whatever it is. He wants to be there for his boyfriend. 

"Feeling sore, baby?" 

"No, not sore."

He squeezes his legs shut and curls his toes and when Ben looks up at him he sees him sucking on his bottom lip. 

"Fuck, Callum, tell me what's going on!" 

"It's like.. it's like there's an ache inside but it don't hurt, it's more like a pang. Like a longing in my body. I sound like a right melt, sorry."

Ben leans on his elbows to look at him properly. 

"Tell me. A longing for what?"

"For.. for you. For more."

Huh.

"Already?" 

Callum flushes pink. "I dunno." 

"No, it's alright. It's good. It's hot! I'm just trying to understand."

"Gimme your hand."

Ben offers his hand and Callum pushes it between his legs and lets out a shaky sigh of relief when Ben presses his fingers into the delicate skin there. Ben draws circles with his fingertips and his chest tightens when he pushes up to the first knuckle and feels Callum hot and slick with his own cum. 

"More?"

"Yeah."

Ben reaches for the lube and uses a few drops to work two fingers inside, searching out the heart of this longing. He crooks his fingers and applies some pressure drawing a low moan out of Callum.

“There…” Callum sighs. 

Ben looks up into Callum’s eyes and finds him looking back at him, gaze low and heavy lidded, his chest and neck flushed red and all the blood in his body rushes to his dick.

Thing is, he knows what Callum wants. He wants Ben to settle between his legs and touch his face and give him a place to rest his feet on his back as he fucks him. He _wants_ him in a way Ben never dreamed someone ever would, least not someone like Callum. But Callum trusts him to do right by him, to guide him through this and he thinks back to earlier and the way he winced, to the drop in his heart when he had to ask if he'd hurt him and he doesn't have the guts. Not tonight, anyway. He wants tonight to be perfect. 

"Turn over."

Callum nods solemnly, seems a little defeated even as he turns onto his stomach. Ben has to make this good, has to make him feel good. 

He smooths along Callum's thick thighs and tickles the sensitive parts of them and then with steady hands he takes hold of Callum's hips and lifts him up. 

Ben gets comfortable and buries his face to lick at the salt skin beneath his balls and knows he's getting it right when he hears Callum's fingers scratch at the sheets and his breath hitch. He licks down to his hole and lust and pride intermingle in his belly when he tastes himself there.

He grabs at the meat of Callum's arse to hold him still and presses his tongue inside him and licks out, _slowly_ , teasing and toying with him until Callum is clawing at the sheets in frustration. He swirls his tongue and Callum makes that beautiful sobbing sound that Ben loves. 

He gets the feeling that Callum could do this all night but he can't wait any longer, he can't. There are two of them here and he can't stand this another second. 

He squeezes out some lube, not too much and places one hand at Callum's waist. 

"Ready?"

When Callum doesn't answer, Ben crawls over him, crowds him, scrapes his neck with his stubble and whispers into his ear, "I said, are you ready?"

"Yes, yes, _yes_."

Ben stays over him, one hand holding him, the other on his own dick. All it takes is one long push for them to be fused together, their bodies flush without a whisper between them. Callum growls, actually fucking growls like an animal when Ben hits bottom. 

Grasping his waist, Ben starts to thrust and Callum moves with him, fluid movements as if this were a dance. It feels good, so good, Callum moves like he was made for this, no, they move like they were made to do this together. 

Ben kisses his shoulders, his back, his neck. He feels so close to him and he wants to tell him so he'll really understand, he wants him to see it, to feel it. 

"Stop, stop."

Callum looks over his shoulder, concern etched into his face. 

"You were right," Ben explains. 

Ben pulls out as gently as he can and takes Callum's shoulder to guide him onto his back. Wordlessly he settles on top of Callum and smooths his thumb across his parted lips. 

"I want to try," Ben says in the quietest voice. 

"Me too."

Callum draws his legs up and wraps them around Ben's middle as Ben finds his hand to hold, intertwining their fingers. This time when he presses forwards he doesn’t hit a wall and instead finds himself sinking further and further into his heat, down, down until they're one. Ben looks into Callum's eyes, hoping to somehow communicate the ineffable feeling lodged in his chest. 

Ben starts to move and drops his head to rest their foreheads together. It's beyond sex, it's beyond anything he's ever experienced before. It's part revelation, part familiar comfort and Ben doesn't want to look away. 

His body moves for him as Callum's body does for him but together they work as one. It's perfect but not in the way Ben had hoped, it isn't about him, it's about them. It's about connection. It's perfect because it's theirs. 

Ben strokes his hair and cups his face, small acts of adoration that stop his heart from bursting at the sight of him. 

If he could make this last 'til morning then he would, he thrusts slow and deep and Callum rolls his hips to meet him halfway as an ever swelling chorus of moans and sighs fall from their lips. 

Callum lifts his legs and opens them wider and grasps at Ben's arse with his free hand to pull him closer still and he didn't think he could get deeper than he already was but suddenly he finds himself somewhere else, amazed. Both of them smile and kiss, there are no words for this, this bliss. 

Callum lets go of Ben's hand to put his arms around him, one hand coming to rest heavy on the back of his neck. Their eyes lock and Callum lifts his shoulders off the bed to capture Ben's mouth with his own and they sink back into the sheets together, lost in a kiss. 

Now as Ben thrusts his belly strokes Callum's dick and when he tangles his fingers in Callum's hair, he feels him tighten and heat around him. Fuck, he doesn't want this to end but he can't hold on and trying to will only mean they won't be able to fall together. They have forever for more of this, he has to believe they have forever.

The first wave of Callum's orgasm rolls over him and his own crashes in to meet it, leaving him gasping into Callum's mouth, incapacitated by the power of it. Callum digs his fingernails into Ben's back and squeezes him tightly between his strong thighs and breaks the kiss to yell out, loud and hoarse. Ben doesn't stop, can't stop and they watch each other, awestruck. 

Ben wants to tell him, _I've found my place, it's here, it's here_ but he can't speak. 

He slams his hips one final time and Callum's body goes limp and his arms bounce against the mattress. 

It's over but nothing feels over, this feels like a beginning. 

Ben collapses on top of him breathing hard. Truthfully he's never come so hard in his life and he shakes so violently through the comedown that his teeth begin to chatter. 

Callum rubs his back and Ben wonders where he's found the strength to even lift his arm and the thought crosses his mind that maybe it wasn't as good for him but he quickly dismisses it. He knows it was. He trusts their connection. Callum's just the type of man who can always find strength if it's for someone else.

God, he loves him so much. 

After a while, who knows how long, Ben's body stills and he settles more comfortably in Callum's arms and they drift into sleep. He knows he wouldn't be able to speak even if he really tried so he doesn't bother, trusting his gut instinct that Callum is okay and feeling as blissed out as he is. 

When they wake up it's late, the middle of the night late and Ben's feeling a little cold despite being wrapped up in Callum's arms. 

Ben isn't sure which of them stirred first, he's just happy to hear Callum yawn and feel him stretch out his limbs. 

"Hey you," Ben says, walking his fingers along Callum's chest.

"Mm… I feel like a new man."

Ben props himself up on his elbow to look at Callum, still bleary-eyed but coming back to himself.

"Yeah?"

"Mm. Hard to explain. Just a feeling."

Ben kisses his nose and Callum smiles. 

"Think I need another shower though."

"Let me run you a bath."

Callum smiles that beautiful bright smile and nods in agreement. 

Getting up is harder than he'd anticipated, he's tired, bone tired and he'd love to stay curled up on Callum's chest but he wants to look after him more than he wants to rest. He slips on his robe and brings Callum a bottle of water from the mini bar - nothing but the best for his man - and pours himself a glass of tap water before setting about filling the bath using the entire of the little bottle of bubbles. 

When he looks at himself in the mirror, he smiles at his reflection; his skin is flush and his lips are cherry red and swollen. He looks like Callum's, he _is_ Callum's. He could love himself like this. 

With the bath drawn, he retrieves Callum from the bedroom, helping him into his robe and giving him a moment alone in the bathroom, taking the opportunity to shake out the bedding and plump the pillows while he waits to be called back. 

"Ben?"

Ben goes and finds him already in the bath. 

"Fuck, you're cute. Look at you in your bubble bath. You look like a dream."

"Shut up," Callum says, the tips of his ears magenta red. 

Ben kneels beside him on a bathmat folded in half to save his knees. 

"You were amazing," he says quietly. 

Callum swallows thickly. 

"So were you, it was better than I dreamed it. In my dream you were… you were… further away, I guess. It weren't like that."

"Nothing's like that was. It was something else."

Callum takes Ben's hand in his.

"Remember when you told me to listen to my heart?"

"Yeah?"

Callum takes a deep breath that evaporates on the exhale. 

"Nah, nothing. Lost my train of thought."

Callum withdraws his hand but Ben catches it and holds it tight. 

"We don't have to talk, not tonight, anyway. It's okay."

"Promise?"

Ben nods and seals it with a tender kiss. 

"You getting in?" 

Ben doesn't answer, just goes for the champagne and sets it carefully by the side of the bath then drops his robe, enjoying Callum's eyes on him as he stands naked for a moment before carefully lowering himself between Callum's legs to rest his back against his chest. 

Ben picks up the champagne and they pass the bottle back and forth in comfortable silence until they're pleasantly tipsy and relaxed. 

Ben leans forward to set the bottle down and a loud and unexpected burp escapes his mouth. 

"Pardon me!" 

Callum cracks up laughing. "Ooh fancy manners for the fancy hotel, ey?"

"When in Rome, babe!"

Callum wraps his arms around him and squeezes hard, his body shaking with laughter. 

"I've gone all pruney," he says, lifting one hand out of the water. 

Ben looks at his own hand and then shows it to Callum. "Same."

It isn't funny but they both start laughing again anyway unable to suppress the happiness they're both feeling.

With the water now gone tepid, they make the decision to go back to bed. Ben hauls himself up first and Callum smacks his bare arse.

"Cheeky," Ben says over his shoulder and Callum giggles to himself as he clambers out after him. 

Ben hands Callum a towel then ties his own around his waist. Callum dries off then and there and Ben watches, unable to take his eyes off him as he rubs his body. 

"Fuck, you're so gorgeous."

"Stop it, Ben. You're the gorgeous one."

Ben grabs Callum and presses his wet body against him eliciting a loud tut from his boyfriend. 

"You think I'm gorgeous, I think you're gorgeous. Blimey, I think that means we're both gorgeous."

Ben looks up at him and Callum rolls his eyes. 

"I must be tired cos that actually made sense to me."

"Watch it, you."

"Or what?" 

"This--" Ben steps back and slaps his wet body into Callum's again raising another huge belly laugh from him. 

Callum steers Ben to the sink and puts on his robe to protect himself from further ambushes. They brush their teeth elbow to elbow, both smiling every time their eyes meet in the mirror. Callum takes a seat on the edge of the bath to watch Ben change into his glasses, already slipping into little routines on their second night alone together.

Ben takes a piss while Callum wanders back into the room to close the curtains and he hears him humming happily to himself as he washes his hands.

Ben finds him sitting on the corner of the bed, flushed and soft and happy just as he was at the start of the night only this time there's no awkwardness, just quiet contentment. 

Ben kisses his face, his pretty face. God, he's beautiful. Thankfully, in this moment _I love you_ seems to go without saying, it doesn't burn in the back of his throat like it usually does, instead it seems to hang in the air like the smell of their sex. 

Ben moves closer and Callum opens his knees for him to stand between them with his hands solid and reassuring at Ben's waist. This feels like his place, whatever that means. Not all feelings have words, not all are rational. But this one makes him feel good, makes him feel safe. 

"We have something," he hears himself say. 

"We do," Callum answers. 

Both of them start to smile and descend into more laughter, as if their happiness can't be contained. 

"Hey, what time's checkout?" 

"Thought we'd go home-- back to Walford on Monday morning."

"Ben.. three nights? Here? You shouldn't have, you--"

Ben holds his hand up and Callum falls silent. 

"Tell me it ain't been worth it."

"I can't."

Ben shrugs. What more is there to say?

Callum slips his robe off onto the floor and Ben wants to tell him that he's rubbing off on him but he can't bring himself to break the sweet sleepy silence that's descended upon them. 

Once in bed, they find their way into each other's arms, so tangled up Ben isn't sure where he ends and Callum begins. 

When he closes his eyes there isn't a single thought in his mind, just that feeling, that certainty, that love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I think this was the longest chapter so far but hopefully it was an enjoyable ride lol! I had a vision and I decided to roll with it, tbh I have been picturing this for far too long and I'm just so glad it's out in the world now.
> 
> Next chapter coming in 1-2 weeks. Just fyi, if you're ever wondering when a new chapter will be posted, I try to put ETAs in the fic summary as soon as I know.


	17. 10th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Callum enjoy their last night in the hotel. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings:** Smut heavy, use of sex toys, safe words and dirty talk. Potential D/s undertones in the second sex scene of the chapter.

_**10th November, 5.12pm** _

Ben had happily lost track of time about ten minutes in and were it not for his dry mouth and the crick in his neck, he’d do this all night. He wants to, he does. He has the best of intentions, for once. He just has to hope Callum knows that. 

He pulls away and sits down heavily, his body sinking like a stone into the cool sheets, the soft mattress. Raising an arm, he reaches uselessly towards the nightstand as if his glass of water might be moved by his need into his open hand. 

Callum whines high in his throat. “Why’d you stop?”

Ben chuckles, who knew Callum would be so into rimming. “Just need to wet my whistle, babe.”

He turns back to Callum on all fours, his face mashed into the pillow, his fingers turned white where they’re gripping the sheets, his knees spread, his perfect peachy arse on display, all for Ben.

“And I have to admit, I’m enjoying the view.”

Callum lifts his head with a groan to look over his shoulder. 

“If I could feel my legs, I’d make myself decent.”

Ben makes a noise of agreement although he’s not sure it’s true, Callum is so open with him. He’s never made anyone feel comfortable before, he wonders what he did differently this time, what Callum sees that nobody else ever has.

He climbs off the bed and stretches out his back, his neck, his aching arms and then grabs his glass of water, downing the contents in two long swallows. It’s glorious, water sliding down his parched throat but instantly he misses the taste of Callum on his tongue.

The rustling of bed sheets draws his attention and he watches as Callum flops onto his back and he is overwhelmed, momentarily, by the sight of him, his arms and legs thrown open, his body shining with sweat and flushed rosy pink and a huge, impossibly huge smile on his pretty face. His bigness, the reality of his body, the unbridled joy radiating from him that makes the air around him sing - it takes Ben’s breath away.

He wanders towards the bathroom with his glass in hand just to give himself a moment.

“Thought you couldn’t feel your legs!” He calls back into the room when Callum’s out of sight.

“Mm… I can’t. It’s nice!”

Ben smiles to himself at the bathroom sink and tries to avoid his own reflection as he pours another glass of water, drinking all of it in one go and then two more.

He saunters back into the bedroom and finds Callum with an arm thrown over his face and one hand lazily stroking his half hard dick. Ben crawls over him and Callum peeks out from under his forearm. 

“Come on then you, ten more minutes.”

“Really?!”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Yes, reall-- Get into position, Highway!”

“Yes, sir!”

Callum raises his arm from his face in mock salute and rolls over onto his front.

“Eurgh! The bed’s soaked!” He shifts sideways a little as he gets up onto his elbows and knees but it’s half hearted, Ben sees the shake in his thighs and knows he’s already given over, already desperate and wanting.

He crawls up behind him, crowds him, breathes hot on his neck and bites hard on his earlobe as he slips a hand under his belly and finds the sheets wet with precum. 

“ _You_ soaked the bed,” in a light tone he whispers, “You’re such a little slut.” 

Despite his tone, Callum still whines high pitched and loud at his words and when Ben reaches between his legs he finds him fully hard. He draws his knuckle down the long length of his dick and leaves him shivering.

With hot kisses, he blazes a trail along Callum’s back, following the line of his spine, pressing his lips into the dip of his hips. Patiently, Callum holds fast, keeping himself still but sighing out soft moans on every exhale. Ben bites down on the flesh of his arse, deepening a welt he made earlier in the day that's already turning the most beautiful shade of puce. 

Callum, animal on all fours, makes a desperate noise when Ben presses the tip of his tongue into the tender skin behind his balls that turns into a growl when Ben runs his tongue back and forth, ignoring what he knows Callum is wordlessly begging him to do. 

When Ben flicks his tongue across his hole, Callum manages to wriggle his legs even further apart for Ben to bury his face. Ben wishes he’d sit on his face, smother him the way he’s been dreaming of since the first time he saw him all those months ago in the Vic. Just the thought of it makes him salivate and he laps at his hole, dreaming of more, lost in the fantasy of dying between his thighs. If Callum could only see himself the way Ben does. 

He swirls his tongue and pushes inside, licking at the delicate skin until Callum is buzzing, tremors shaking the bed so that Ben feels them in his own knees, his pleasure running them both through with electricity. Ben works him hard, not giving him a second to recover, furling and unfurling his tongue, lapping, sucking and biting, putting his everything into this.

He starts to lose track of time again until the ache in his neck finally calls him back to the room and he’s forced to pull back. As soon as he does, Callum collapses in a heap as if he'd been holding himself up with sheer will alone.

Ben tickles his neck and scatters kisses across his shoulders. 

“Why’d you stop again?” He whines.

“Don’t you want _more_?”

Ben flops onto his back and Callum shuffles closer to rest his head on his chest. His face is sticky with drool and Ben bats a hand over to his pillow and finds it wet. He’s about to comment, to tell him he loves making a mess out of him when Callum cuts through his thoughts in a small voice.

“D’you think I’m selfish?”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Ben laughs.

Silence. 

Ben taps Callum’s arm to get him to look up at him.

“No. I don’t think you know the meaning of the word.”

“But what about you?”

Callum rests his hand on Ben’s hip. He sounds out of it, all blissed out and fucked up, Ben can feel he's still hard, painfully hard but his voice is far away and hazy.

“If you think that weren’t just as much about me as it was about you then you obviously have no idea how much I fancy ya. God, just, come here…”

Ben gently pushes Callum off of him and rolls him onto his back. He looks up at him with those huge blue eyes and Ben feels overcome. He'd do anything for him. Anything. 

He lifts Callum's arms above his head, smooths his hands along to his wrists and pins them in a tight grip that makes his boyfriend moan. Ben wonders what his next move should be when Callum arches his back to bring their bodies together because that's the thing, their bodies know, he doesn't need to think. 

Ben rolls his hips to slide their dicks together giving them both just enough and not nearly enough at the same time. He keeps moving, the ecstacy of skin on skin making them both gasp. 

“You’re perfect, d’you know that?” 

“Nobody’s perfect.” Callum whispers.

“Apart from you.” 

Callum leans up to capture Ben’s mouth against his own and Ben kisses from his lips along his jaw, tasting the intermingled drool and sweat stuck to his weekend stubble.

“Touch me, need you to touch me,” Callum moans.

Ben lets go of his wrists and in an instant, Callum’s hands are on him, fingers digging wildly into his back. Ben grinds their dicks together, the control of moments ago lost now to the friction. He wishes he had Callum’s strength, his size, so he could crush him, show him the enormity of his desire, of his want. He wants him to feel it, he wants to be sure he understands. 

Ben kisses his face, his mouth, his neck and reaches blindly for the lube, too intoxicated even to glance up, he gropes around and lights upon it, mercifully he manages to grab hold of it without knocking it over.

With Callum's mouth still latched onto his, he has to push him away so he can dribble the lube onto his fingers. 

He wants to ask if he’s reading this right, if this is what Callum wants but his body has taken over and his hand is between Callum’s legs without words. When he presses forwards, Callum lifts off the bed to meet him and it's enough for him to know in his bones that he wants this too. 

He pushes two fingers inside with ease and slips them out to add a third eliciting a giggle from Callum, he breaks the kiss to look at him and they both start to laugh, joy spilling everywhere. He can feel Callum's surprise that he's so into this, that something he only tried for the first time yesterday already feels so right, so natural. Ben knows it's how he feels because he feels it too, this, this is what they're supposed to do, this is what they were made for.

Ben scissors his fingers and Callum half sits up to watch him work his hand, moaning at the sight, getting louder when Ben spreads his fingers to open him up. Ben watches Callum watching him until he can't take it anymore, he has to be close to him.

He draws his fingers free and Callum lays down. With one hand on his dick and the other anchored on the bed, he pushes forwards and Callum chokes out an _Oh_ at the stretch as he presses inside of him. Callum uses both hands to grip Ben's arse and moves him until he's sunk all the way down and then they rest, just for a few seconds, staring at each other in wonder.

When Ben starts to move it's because he has to and he goes slow and deep just how Callum likes it, how they _both_ like it. Fuck, he can’t believe he’s so blessed as to know how Callum likes it. No, how he _loves_ it. It feels perfect, natural, like their bodies were made to fit together. He’s never felt this before, if he thought he had then he understands now that he hadn’t.

It isn’t enough though, he wants more, more, more. He wants to disappear, he’s so tired, if he could just lose himself completely, just for a while, he knows it would make everything better, easier. 

He reaches past Callum for a pillow and then comes the hard part. He slides out, carefully, eliciting a sob from his boyfriend but he knows this will be better, worth it. With a guiding hand at Callum’s hip, he puts the pillow under his arse then bends Callum’s leg up towards his stomach. 

He stops to breathe and then they reconnect, Ben slipping back inside with ease into the warmth of his body. They press their foreheads together and share the same air. Callum hugs Ben close and Ben feels his relief, _their_ relief at being joined again. With Callum angled up towards him, Ben finds that he can push far deeper than before, so deep that their bones are pressed together and then fused when Callum takes hold of him and keeps him there, sunken all the way down deep between his legs. 

Callum shudders hard and wraps his arms around Ben, hugging him close against the forced of the convulsion then it happens again ...and _again_ , tremors that shake the headboard running all through him.

Ben bites Callum’s bottom lip, nothing more than a little playful teasing at the state of him and Callum smacks his arse in retaliation but they both smile into a kiss, a slow kiss, so slow it’s more tasting than kissing. 

Ben moves, finally, languid and fluid, rolling his body into Callum’s, lost in the tight heat of him, not a single thought in his head. It seems to go on forever, this perpetual motion and endless kiss but it starts to burn, imperceptibly at first but then it ignites his muscles and makes his skin glow.

The smile fades from their lips and they start to devour each other, blood hot kisses, harsh breaths and the clacking of teeth and clashing of tongues. 

Ben goes faster and Callum grabs at him, feeling him all over, fingers scratching through his hair, hooking onto his shoulder blades, driving him wild. Ben breaks the kiss to breathe and sweat trickles from his face onto Callum's.

They don't stop, can't stop, their bodies meet and work as one, in maddening continuous harmonious movement, building and building. 

Ben reaches out and Callum takes his hand and they intertwine their fingers and the simple act of hand holding acts as a spell and they’re flooded with something, maybe magic, maybe love. Ben hooks his free hand under Callum’s leg to lift it higher and he cries out, loud and wild. 

Ben feels him tighten and his body go rigid so he lets himself go too. Callum is beautiful when he comes, the way he licks his lips just before it hits him, sometimes sucking on his bottom lip if it's really good and tonight it is. Ben feels Callum's hard dick against his belly, swollen and leaking and then the heat of his cum between them. His eyebrows knit in concentration and his mouth falls open, shining as his eyes roll back. Ben tries to focus, doesn't want to miss a moment of this even as his own orgasm clouds his head. He relents and buries his face in Callum's neck, fucking into him until he has nothing left to give.

It passes, as all things do and Ben squeezes Callum’s hand in his, a silent _I’m here, are you?_ and Callum rubs his thumb across the back of Ben’s hand in answer. Ben looks at him, properly looks at him, at his big soppy smile, his eyelids heavy, sleep coming for him before Ben’s even pulled out and is struck yet again by just how much he loves him. 

He strokes his face and traces his swollen lips with his fingertips wanting him to feel adored for the few moments he has him there before his eyes fall closed. 

Ben pulls out gingerly and kisses his cheek in a small token of gratitude. He sits up to take Callum in, he’s beyond pleased that they left a lamp on so he can see him in all his glory; the even rise and fall of his chest, the marks left there the night before, his face damp with sweat and his soft hair in disarray. 

Ben covers him up with the duvet and slips off the bed. He goes to the mini bar and puts his fingers on a little bottle of whiskey then stops himself. It’s only muscle memory, he doesn’t actually want it. He stands up straight and smooths his hands over his naked body, he can still feel Callum all over him, he can still taste him. Feeling lightheaded, he rests his shoulder against the wall and takes a few deep breaths.

He doesn’t know what he wants. Not a drink or a smoke, he doesn’t want to leave, he doesn’t want to talk or eat. 

Then it hits him; he doesn’t want anything.

He looks over at Callum, he looks serene, almost angelic all tucked up in bed. So Ben turns out the light and slips under the covers and settles against his boyfriend, resting his head on his broad chest where he can hear the steady beat of his heart.

He’s happy, he thinks. Actually happy. Purely, properly, head empty happy.

He dozes off because it's quiet, because Callum's body is warm and comforting, because he knows he's safe here. Held. Because there's nothing better to do, truly nothing better than to lie here with him. 

He wakes to a touch, long fingers running along the length of him, across his hip then starting again all the way from his hair, past his ear, his neck.

“Hey,” he mumbles.

Callum keeps on caressing him, doesn’t miss a beat.

“Hey,” he replies.

“Missed you,” Ben says before he’s fully awake and thinks, absently, that he should be panicking, that he should be scrambling to take it back but he can't think of anything much at all, his whole mind is focused on Callum's hands.

“Did I pass out again?” Callum asks. 

“You always do."

Callum’s laugh shakes them both, their shared secret knowledge filling them both to the brim with happiness. 

“Missed you too."

“When?” Ben looks up towards his boyfriend. 

“Been waiting for you to wake up.”

“Mm.” Ben props himself up on his elbow. “I’m here now.”

Callum looks up at him with sparkling eyes and Ben kisses him, one hand cupping his face. He'll never get used to it, the sound of their kissing being the only sound. There's something so intimate about it, he could kiss him until morning just to hear his soft moans and sighs, the gentle smack of their lips, the scrape of stubble. 

But the kiss turns, becomes something else, more desperate, biting. Callum does this thing, he pulls away for a moment just to dive back in, depriving them both for a second just to appreciate it all the more when their lips meet again, when their tongues slide and tangle. 

When they pull apart it's because they're out of breath, panting and sweating. Ben smooths Callum's wild hair as they come back to themselves, working out the knots with gentle fingers. 

"I like it like this," Ben says, twirling a strand between his fingers. 

"What? A mess?" 

"Yeah 'specially since I'm the one who messed it up."

Callum shoves his shoulder with the flat of his hand. 

"Nah, I mean, I like it with no product. Looks good. But, I mean, you always look good."

"So do you," Callum says and smooths Ben's eyebrow with the pad of his thumb. 

Ben feels his chest tighten and suddenly it's upon him again, fuck, he wants to tell him. 

"What d'you wanna do? The night's still young. You want dinner?"

Ben looks around the room trying to spot the menu, twisting around in bed and scanning every surface in the room for something, something to distract himself from the words bubbling up in his throat.

Callum trails a finger down his chest and into the well of his belly button. 

"How about desert?"

He's sure from his tone that he's meant to be laughing but it doesn't feel funny. Ben turns, mouth agape, he isn't sure he heard right but then he sees the way Callum is looking at him, heavy lidded, lips wetted and glittering. Ben can't speak, can barely even breathe.

Callum ducks his head and now it's Ben's turn to get his attention. 

He runs his knuckle over Callum's nipple and the atmosphere shifts. There's no going back now, not that either of them want to. 

"You make a mess of me," Callum whispers. 

Ben traces circles around Callum's nipple, watching it harden and then bows his head to capture the peak between his teeth. 

"Ben… Make a mess of me."

Ben shoves him down by the shoulder and he falls heavily with an unf onto the bed. He keeps him down with a hand at the centre of his chest and leans some weight into it just to make Callum gasp. He loses his train of thought when he notices the cum dried on his stomach, everything, _everything_ is so beautiful on him.

"I brought something. Do you trust me?" Ben asks.

"You know I do."

Does he know that? 

Ben moves his hand to Callum's throat and squeezes, slightly, gently. 

"Do you?"

Callum takes hold of Ben's wrist, not to remove his hand but to keep it there. 

"You. Know. I. Do."

Ben presses harder and Callum bites his lip. 

"Okay, don't move."

Ben jumps off the bed and as he walks across the room he hears the sheets rustle and turns to see Callum sitting up to watch him, his eyes burning into him as he bends into his bag. 

He retrieves a pouch and brings it back onto the bed, straddling Callum's hips. 

Slowly, he pulls out a black silicone vibrator, his eyes on Callum the whole time, expecting a reaction that he doesn't get.

"Ever tried one?" Ben coaxes. 

"Oh er.. not on myself--"

"--Then I don't wanna hear about it."

Callum laughs, a big laugh that suggests he's been caught off guard and not in a good way. Ben rubs circles into his chest and holds the toy out of sight behind his back. 

"Wanna try it? We don't have to."

Callum nods. "Yeah. I wanna try it."

"So um… do you wanna use it on me? Or do you want me to use it on you?"

"The second.." he clears his throat. "The second one."

"Baby, you know that ain't how it works." 

Callum swallows hard and his face starts to turn a pretty shade of pink.

"I want you to use it on me."

Ben holds it up and turns it on and then down onto the lowest speed. 

"We'll go slow."

Callum raises his eyebrows. "Why?"

Ben is about to tell him not to be cheeky when he realises he's being sincere. 

Ben runs it along Callum's inner thigh just to give him a taste and he watches with interest as he opens his legs wider and squeezes his eyes shut in frustration when Ben turns it off. 

"You thinking about it inside you? Hm?"

"Yeah," he breathes.

Ben kisses his way up to Callum's chest and circles his nipple with the tip of his tongue scraping his teeth over the hard peak. Callum whimpers and cups the back of Ben's neck, holding him in place. Ben reaches between Callum's legs and strokes his dick, loving the way it twitches when he bites down on his nipple. He turns his head to the side, letting his stubble scratch the sensitive skin. 

"Wanna try something…" Ben says, swiping his thumb across the head of Callum's dick.

He doesn't move. 

"Let go of me, babe."

Callum takes his hand away from Ben's neck and lets it fall.

Ben looks up at him and sees him hazy, lips parted and a faraway stare.

"Watch me, Highway," Ben says in a low tone.

Callum shifts his gaze and Ben holds it as he dribbles spit onto his nipple then turns on the vibrator to the lowest setting so it wobbles rather than buzzes and circles it around the plump flesh of his chest and in closer around the delicate skin and closer until finally the toy hits his nipple and Callum bucks his hips, precum spurting out across his stomach. 

Fuck, he's fun to play with. 

Ben turns it up and Callum's hand goes to his other nipple, rolling it between his fingers as he humps the air, something Ben suspects is involuntary which only makes it hotter. He knows he could come like this without his dick being touched but unlike Callum, Ben is selfish and he's addicted now to feeling him come, either down his throat like this morning or with his body contracting around him. 

Ben turns off the vibrator and sets it down and ignores Callum when he whimpers a soft _No_.

He shuffles down the bed, no patience now for trails of kisses, he's hungry, all tenderness forgotten. 

Burying his face between his legs, he inhales deeply the scent of cum and sweat intermingled and so strong he can almost taste it but almost isn't enough. He licks from his hole and up, pressing his tongue the way that makes Callum shake and marks a hot stripe to the head of his dick and then again and again, salivating, devouring until between his legs is spit slick.

He takes up the vibrator again and starts by playing it along the length of Callum's dick but it doesn't seem to do much, he watches in fascination but that's all and although he winces when Ben runs it along his ridge, he stays silent. He takes it down across his balls and gets nothing out of him but when he presses it buzzing hard into the skin behind them, his dick strains and bobs. 

He grinds the head of the toy against his hole, twisting his wrist this way and that and Callum gets up on his elbows to watch him. 

"This alright?"

He nods frantically. 

Ben turns it up and he throws back his head, exposing the long line of his throat and groans, finally, loudly. 

Ben leans down and takes his dick in his mouth as he works the vibrator against his hole and when he flicks his tongue over his slit, he tastes salt. 

He pulls off with a pop.

"You want it inside you?"

Callum lifts his head to say a simple, "Yes," then lets it fall back again. Ben watches his Adam's apple bob as he swallows hard, already struggling to keep himself together. 

The vibrator is smaller than Ben's dick and with a dribble of lube he manages to push the head of it inside even with Callum half sitting, not that it matters since he collapses as it stretches him open and arches his back. He's so responsive, so open, so willing. Ben works the vibrator deeper as he strokes his own dick watching Callum rock his hips to fuck himself on the toy. He turns up the vibrations and another thick glob of precum rolls down Callum's dick. 

He snaps his hips as Ben twists his wrist and he watches Callum get close, he hasn't even touched that bright spot inside of him yet but the vibrations and the stretch have him straining and moaning. Ben pushes it deeper and Callum laughs and calls out a few _Oh my Gods_ , lost now to Ben, fully absorbed in chasing his own pleasure. 

Ben fists his own dick faster, Callum is beautiful, big, soft and strong, his stomach pulls in and he knows he's near the edge, half an inch forward and he'll tip. Ben looks down at his feet, his toes curling tightly, the muscles in his calves taut, so tense that there's a shiver in his thighs. 

His chest turns that deep shade of wine red and he does that thing where his knees point inward and Ben knows he's about to blow. He wants to stop, he wants to tell him he can't bear to watch him come alone. 

"Stop, stop. Red, Ben!"

It takes a second to register and then Ben's fumbling to press the power button until it's switched off. Callum gently bats his hand away and works the vibrator out of himself throwing it beside him on the bed and taking a few heaving breaths, his hands roaming over his chest and stomach as if soothing himself. 

"Did I hurt--"

"No! Not at all. Just.. just want you."

"What?" He asks, disbelieving. He should tell him he was thinking the same thing but he won't.

"I want _you_." 

"I'm right here."

"Not close enough."

Ben kneels up and Callum sits to meet him in a kiss. Ben throws an arm around his neck and drags him down on top of him. 

For a moment Callum looks confused then he gets it and gets up to straddle Ben's hips.

"Closer," Ben whispers.

Callum takes hold of Ben's dick and lowers himself with a shaky exhale, goes cross eyed as he sinks down, eyes rolling back when he hits bottom. 

He starts to ride, bouncing experimentally until he finds a rhythm that makes him arch his back.

"It burns, burns… so good...." He draws a line along his stomach and up the centre of his chest. "All the way. All over."

Ben wants to say something but he can't, he's never seen anything so beautiful in his entire life. He reaches up to touch him, to feel the heat of his skin and his hands to come to rest on his waist. 

Ben thrusts up to meet Callum on the down slide, crashing against him with the kind of violence that makes him feel alive. Both of them work as hard as the other, dripping sweat and grunting hard, getting faster and faster. 

Callum looks down and then leans down and Ben lifts his shoulders off the bed to close the gap and they kiss, sweet and soft as they move. Ben finds his nipples and twists them and although it makes him moan and his body draws in tight, he still keeps his rhythm, he always was fucking stubborn. 

He pulls away and straightens up but takes hold of Ben's hand and squeezes it, _I'm here, I'm here, I'm here_. 

Ben picks up the vibrator and turns it on and guides it between them, pressing it behind Callum's balls, the deep buzz travelling through Callum's body and into Ben's dick. 

A stream of precum gushes down Callum's dick and he starts to mewl and whine, his movements finally becoming erratic. 

It's too good, so good, like them but with the volume turned up. 

Ben smacks Callum's chest to get him to look at him, suddenly feeling bereft of his attention and his gaze snaps downwards. They keep working, keep going, staring hard. 

Ben's arm jerks in response to a jolt of pleasure and he accidentally pulls the vibrator away, quickly pressing it back in place and Callum's knees dig into his sides, hard. With that, he's close. 

Ben pulls the toy away and presses it back a few more times, knowing how Callum likes to deprive himself, gets off on that masochistic wait for pleasure. 

He yanks the vibrator away, struggling to go without himself but willing to punish himself to drive Callum wild. 

He holds it up in the air, the vibrations running through his arm.

"Oh please, Ben, _please_."

"Alright, since you've been such a good boy..." Ben purrs.

Callum shivers at his words and his dick wags up and down obscenely.

Ben grinds the vibrator back into place and Callum's hands land heavily on Ben's chest almost knocking all the air out of his lungs and he stops moving. For a moment everything is quiet and still save for the white noise hum of the vibrator. Callum licks his lips and presses his knees hard into Ben's sides then yells out, loud and hoarse as he begins to come.

Ben watches enrapt, as the first bead of cum pearls in his slit then spills over, painting his belly and his chest. 

The constricting pressure of Callum's orgasm triggers Ben's and he half sits through it to brace himself, shooting deep inside of Callum, the thought that this is the second time they've done this tonight, that he's filling Callum up, makes him come even harder. 

Callum lifts one hand to his nipple and tugs and shudders so hard the sweat from his hair rains down over Ben. 

When it gets too much to bear, Ben presses every button on the vibrator until it turns off and they both breathe a sigh of relief in unison.

"How do you.. how do I?" Callum asks.

"Hm?"

Callum grimaces and attempts to lift himself up.

"Can't feel my legs... gotta lie down."

"Oh! Just.. lean on the headboard.."

Callum raises his shaking hands and slams them against the headboard and Ben encircles his waist, guiding him up and off his still half hard dick. 

"There ya go," Ben says softly. 

Callum falls sideways and lands on his back with a thud, quivering and panting hard and Ben rubs his shoulder until his breathing calms and returns to normal.

Before sleep claims him, Ben cups his face to get his attention. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Callum beams and Ben strokes his fingers over his dimples. "Never better, to be honest with ya."

"You were amazing, d'you know that?"

"So were you," Callum whispers.

Ben kisses his face as he drifts off then cards his fingers through his hair until he starts snoring whispering words of praise and adoration, hoping some part of him can feel his intention.

When he's sure that Callum is fast asleep, Ben hauls himself up off the bed to take a piss, covering his boyfriend over with the duvet before stumbling into the bathroom. 

He has to laugh at the sight of himself in the mirror, soaked in sweat and tilting to one side. Fuck. He cleans up a bit and wobbles back into the room searching once and for all for the menu. 

Callum is curled up on his side hugging a pillow, fast asleep and perfectly content. Ben thinks he should be offended at the sight of his boyfriend just as happy to hug a pillow as he is him but it's an adorable sight and he can't bring himself to care. 

Ben gets their order in for dinner just before the kitchen closes, his stomach suddenly aching with hunger then changes into his glasses because his eyes are tired. He finds himself missing Callum's presence on the edge of the bath but reminds himself that he's just in the other room. God how he wishes he was always just in the other room. 

He puts on his robe to answer the door when their food is brought up and wakes Callum gently to tell him it's time to eat. 

He blinks up at Ben all bleary eyed and smiley and he kisses his cheeks and rubs his back until he's fully awake. 

"Did you say there's food?" Callum asks stretching and yawning. 

"Yeah, burger and chips times two."

"Aw just when I thought this weekend couldn't get any better."

Ben smiles to himself. He's right. It's been perfect. 

Ben helps him sit up, propping pillows behind his back and kissing his bare shoulder.

"You doing okay?"

"Better than okay, just hungry."

"Good."

They both smile and blush, overcome by each other in this quiet moment.

Side by side in bed, both ravenous, watching nothing on the telly they devour their first proper meal of the day not counting the croissants Ben went down and swiped off the breakfast buffet so Callum wouldn't have to get up and dressed.

Ben shoves a huge bite of burger into his mouth unabashed and hears Callum giggle.

"What?" He asks around the mouthful.

"Nothing, just love the way you eat is all," Callum says.

Ben swallows his food. 

"I know. I reckon the people in the room down the hall know too. You was very appreciative, babe, don't worry."

"I didn't mean that! God!" He stops and thinks. "But I mean.. you are very talented at that." 

"You taste better than this burger."

Callum chuckles.

"Reckon I'll think of that every time I eat a burger now for the rest of my life."

"Good!"

Ben wonders if he really will be on Callum's mind for the rest of his life before he can stop himself. 

They finish eating in comfortable silence and Ben clears the plates when they're done and cleans up a little round the room. 

"I need a shower, feeling a bit.. fragile." Callum announces. 

"Sore?"

"Nah, just.."

The tips of his ears burn red. 

"Go hop in the shower, babe. Shout for me if you need me."

Ben brings him his robe and Callum slips into it and goes off to the bathroom. He's gone for a while, nearly half an hour before he calls for Ben and invites him in under the hot stream of water, the bathroom thick with steam. Ben leaves his glasses on the counter and steps in behind Callum, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing his broad back. 

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

Callum turns and cups his face with both hands, drawing him in for a long, languid kiss. 

Callum breaks it to squeeze soap into his palms to wash Ben's belly clean, then his back, his sides, slick fingers everywhere until Ben's half hard and swaying. He knows he's too tired, too spent to come again, once before breakfast, another time after, then fucking him tonight - twice. God, and still if pinned him against the shower wall right now he'd beg for more. 

But Callum shuts off the water, which is for the best, and holds Ben's arm to guide him until he has his glasses on and he can't tell him how much that means but he hopes he knows. 

They brush their teeth, elbow to elbow wrapped in towels and Callum watches himself in the mirror as he pulls Ben in for another kiss.

They dry each other off lazily, it takes forever but neither of them care, just enjoying the touching and the closeness. 

When they're finally ready to go to sleep Ben shakes out the bedding as Callum sets an alarm on his phone. 

"My shift starts at nine, we'll have to leave well early to beat the traffic. Unless you wanna get the tube?"

He seems anxious, agitated, it's not how Ben wants this weekend to end. 

"Roads are quiet this time of night. I could have ya back in your own bed in half an hour."

"No, you paid for the night--"

"I think we've had our money's worth. Won't you sleep better not worrying about getting to work on time?"

"I mean, yeah but--"

"Come on then, clothes on."

"I.. Ben, I…"

"Just get your clothes on, Highway."

Callum obediently jumps out of bed and throws on a casual outfit he brought and his bomber while Ben changes quickly and sorts an Uber. He washes and dries the vibrator at the sink and stows it away in his bag with a smile. They sit on the edge of the bed to put on their shoes and Callum turns back into the room with a wistful look before opening the door for the both of them to leave. 

Ben plonks his boyfriend down in the lobby with their bags while he settles the bill and then they head out into the cold night air to their car. 

When Callum reaches out his hand across the back seat, Ben takes it and holds it tight. 

The streets are empty, dreamy almost and Ben wishes they could just drive all night because Walford means worry, backstabbing, guilt and mayhem and all he wants is this sweet man's hand in his, silence save for the sound of his breathing and the reassurance of his tender gaze. 

They pull up outside the funeral parlour and Callum doesn't let go of Ben's hand even as they're climbing out of the car. Ben had planned to walk home after seeing Callum off safely but it seems there's no question of them sleeping apart and he could yell he's so happy but it's nearly 1am.

They sneak up the stairs because everything is still but despite their best efforts, Stuart wakes up and blunders out of his room when they get up to the flat. 

"Oh, wasn't expecting yous back, heard a noise," he says as he rubs his eyes. 

"Sorry, bruv." Callum answers.

"You had an alright time though, yeah? Nothing's happened?"

He eyes Ben warily as he speaks. 

"Nah, nah. We had a proper lovely time actually. Just back tonight cos I've got work early."

"Ah, fair enough. I'll bring you a lunch down in the afternoon so don't worry about that."

"Thanks Stu."

Stuart looks down and sees that Ben and Callum's hands are tightly clasped and he nods. 

"Right then. Straight to sleep, yeah? No funny business. It's late and you've always needed a good seven hours, ever since you was a kid." 

He turns to Ben, an uncharacteristically soft expression on his face.

"I can't count the number of times I had to carry this one to bed and it only got harder the bigger he got. Don't fancy slinging him over me shoulder tomorrow if he falls asleep at his desk." 

Ben laughs and Stuart squeezes Callum's shoulder before he ambles back to bed and Callum tugs on Ben's hand like a little kid to follow him to the doorway so he can say _goodnight_ and _I love you_.

Ben realises something then that hadn't clicked before; Stuart is more than Callum's brother. He looked after him, brought him up in his own way. He was a father to him and it doesn't matter how good he was at it because he was just a kid too. 

He feels like he gets Callum better tonight, like things are clearer. It makes his heart ache a little.

Callum lets go of Ben's hand inside his room to take off his coat and they undress sleepily, exhaustion hitting now sleep is in sight. Callum pulls on jogging bottoms and a t-shirt and gives Ben a spare soft top and they crawl into bed. 

Ben looks down at him for a second before taking off his glasses. He wants to ask if he's still thinking about joining the police but he can't bring himself to, just in case. But the way he's smiling so softly, the way this weekend went, the fact he hasn't brought it up, it fills Ben with hope that he's going to put _them_ first. That he's convinced him. That Callum gets him the way he feels in his gut that he does too. Maybe the best person he knows understands without him needing to explain. Maybe this will work out after all. 

He leaves his glasses and hearing aid on the bedside table and settles against Callum's chest, nuzzling close as Callum wraps his big arms around him.

There's no need for words now that they're back home and safe in each other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I'll update the summary when I know when the next chapter will be up. x


	18. 11th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben arrives early for dinner and proposes a bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ** _Warnings:_** Smut heavy (rimming, some consensual somewhat rough play as they both try to win Ben's bet), brief vague mentions of childbirth, references to/discussion of homophobia and Paul's death at the end of the chapter when they're on the sofa.
> 
> See end notes for credits.

_**11th November, 6.12pm** _

Ben presses the buzzer to Callum's flat and waits patiently for a good thirty seconds. Nothing. He presses it again, stands there waiting and waiting and - nothing. No answer. Fuck's sake. On the third try he holds the button down while leaning his full weight against the door until it _finally_ gives way. 

The door to the flat is unlocked so he runs upstairs, ready to have a bit of fun with his boyfriend for keeping him waiting but he's brought to a standstill on the step into the living room.

Right in front of him is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

Callum is standing by the receiver wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, still dripping wet.

“You’re early, I was in the shower.”

Ben bursts out laughing, “Well, I can see that!"

It was meant to be funny but Callum doesn't move or react, just keeps staring down at the floor. 

"I'm being a twat, I'm sorry."

A smile flashes across Callum's face. "It's alright."

Something feels off and it's not that Ben interrupted him in the shower. He knows Callum doesn't care about shit like this, actually he knows he quite enjoys being played with. 

"Come 'ere, will ya?" Ben can't hide the anxiety in his voice and he hopes Callum doesn't mistake it for annoyance. 

Callum toys self-consciously with his towel and Ben is about to ask what's got into him when he takes a deep breath and closes the gap between him. 

Being up a step means Ben can look him in the eye the way he can usually only do when they’re laying in bed together and seeing him this way, it makes his heart race, he's just so fucking gorgeous. Ben holds his gaze and gets lost in those bright blue eyes. 

Callum exhales and Ben realises he'd been holding his breath. He really wants to ask what the matter is but then Callum is reaching out and fiddling with shirt and he can't find the words. 

“This might sound daft but... Did you come here early on purpose?"

Ben shrugs. “Of course I did."

A smile blooms across Callum’s face. 

“To catch me…" Callum gestures to his naked torso. 

Ben trails his fingertips over Callum’s cool skin, following the trail of bite marks he left at the weekend and triggering a deep shiver in him. 

“Well yeah…” 

Callum hungrily licks his lips. 

“You said you was going in the shower and to give ya half an hour so I came here early to catch you all wet.." Ben swipes his calloused thumb over Callum’s hard nipple and he gasps, "and vulnerable."

"That’s not fair," Callum whispers, unconvincing but totally adorable. 

"Tell me to go."

Callum looks down at Ben's mouth and Ben leans in and catches his bottom lip between his teeth drawing a low moan from his boyfriend. He knows he isn't going to tell him to go. 

Snaking his hands around Callum's waist, Ben pulls him in close for a dirty, biting kiss, as he drags his nails down the damp tender skin of his back, loving the way it makes him tremble. 

When he pulls away Callum sways and has to grab hold of the wall to steady himself. 

“Do we... do we have time before dinner?” Callum's voice is high and pitchy with need. 

Ben leans in again and licks a hot trail from Callum's shoulder to that spot on his neck that makes him shiver. 

"Now, why would you ask me that?" He whispers low and dirty into Callum's ear.

"I… I.. I just--"

"Hm? What would you do if I said we didn't have time, ey?"

Ben lifts his head to look at Callum and finds his eyes already blown dark and heavy lidded that he decides to stop torturing him. 

"I'm just messing with ya, yeah baby, we have time."

Ben takes a step back before slowly unbuttoning his coat and dropping it to the floor as Callum stares and sucks on his bottom lip, savouring Ben's taste, he thinks, and hungry for more. 

Ben pushes Callum backwards and drops down into his space to press their bodies together. He looks up at him from under his lashes and waits until Callum starts to bend down for a kiss before he turns on his heel and heads for the bedroom leaving Callum rushing to catch up. 

Ben kicks off his boots and undoes the first three buttons of his shirt all the while backing away out of reach of his boyfriend. Callum surges forward and dives in for a kiss, his grip on Ben's body is urgent, desperate. It's hot. But Ben came here with a plan so he dodges his lips. 

“Care to make this _interesting_?”

Callum looks confused. “It ain’t usually interesting for you?”

“As if, you know that ain’t what I meant. I’m talking about a bet.”

Callum lets go of him to go close the bedroom door. 

“What kind of bet?”

Ben takes two strides forward, crowding Callum until his back is pressed against the door then he walks his fingers up his chest to punctuate the words, “Whoever comes first pays for dinner.”

A look of horror crosses over Callum’s face.

“Ain't we going somewhere pricey up West?”

Ben raises an eyebrow and Callum starts to smile but manages to suppress it, swallowing the remnants of his amusement down before he speaks. 

“Alright, you’re on." Callum reaches between them and drops his towel. "But I hope you know I'm playing to win.”

"Blimey, Highway! I like your confidence."

"Thought you might."

Ben rocks up onto his tiptoes for a kiss but finds himself being manhandled over to the bed instead and thrown down on it. 

Ben scrambles up onto his knees and Callum clambers onto the bed behind him and wraps his arms around him to hold him still before he slides his hand inside his shirt, his fingers trailing across his chest and seeking out the place where the bullet entered, smoothing over the tender scars.

Ben tries to wriggle free but Callum presses a constellation of hot kisses against his neck that stop him dead. 

Callum unbuttons his shirt all the way and slips it off then caresses him _everywhere_. Ben arches his back and rolls his head against Callum's shoulder as he unbuckles his belt and pushes his trousers and boxers down his thighs. 

Ben looks down at his naked body and Callum's hands all over it and fuck it's like it was meant to be. Callum moves closer and Ben feels his hard dick pressing into his back and his hot breath on his neck and suddenly he's on the verge of begging him to take him then and there. 

"Missed you today.." Callum whispers. 

Ben turns in his arms and Callum captures his lips for a long, slow kiss. Ben knows he should be trying to get the upper hand but he finds himself being lowered gently onto the bed and it's too lovely to ruin. Not yet anyway. Or that's what he's telling himself. 

Ben struggles to try and kick off his trousers and Callum breaks the kiss to do it for him, depositing them onto the floor. He pulls off Ben's socks next and traces along the arch of his foot with his index finger, chuckling warmly when Ben squirms and curls his toes. 

Ben reaches up to him making a grabbing motion with his hands, too blissed out for words and Callum falls over him and settles between his open legs with a satisfied groan. 

Ben knows he should be thinking of the bet but fuck it right now all he wants is to feel his boyfriend's weight on top of him. Ben knows in his heart that there's nothing better than this, nothing better than when Callum buries his face in his neck and they knit together bit by bit, swaying slightly in a tight embrace. 

Only this morning they woke up in each other's arms and yet the sheer relief and joy of being joined again is immense, Ben doesn't want to let go or be let go of, not ever. 

They’d woken up before their alarm both painfully hard and in desperate need of each other, pulling at clothes until they found relief. Tangled in the duvet, t-shirts in the way but hands finding their way to bare skin, sliding their dicks together, grinding and burning. The alarm had started blaring in the background but neither could bear to break apart to switch it off. Ben came first, his leg wrapped tightly around Callum's middle, gasping and shaking, rubbing Callum's back as he followed him over the edge, groaning and gripping Ben's shoulder. 

Stuart had shouted at them to turn the fucking alarm off as they breathed together, sweating and laughing. Callum had reached over and hit the snooze button to give them time for some soft good mornings and now here they are, together again and it feels just as desperate, just as exciting. 

Callum lifts his head and bestows a feather light kiss to the tip of Ben’s nose and gazes down at him. It’s lovely, _he’s_ lovely. Ben's never been this soft for anyone.

He wants to tell him. He needs to. If he doesn't do something, he just might. 

"Thought you was playing to win."

Callum opens his mouth to speak but before he can, Ben rolls him onto his side, wriggles free of his embrace and holds him down with an arm across his chest. When Callum tries to move, Ben kisses that spot beneath his ear to subdue him and scrapes his nail over his more sensitive nipple. Beaten, at least for the time being, Callum sinks heavily into the mattress with a groan.

Ben sinks his teeth into Callum's throat and sucks hard at the fragile skin as he rolls and squeezes his nipple between his fingers. Callum digs his nails into his back and the road to victory seems clear, even more so when Ben feels him rock hard against his hip. 

But then a switch is flipped. Callum suddenly grabs Ben's arm in a vice like grip to still his hand and when Ben lifts his head to look at him in disbelief, Callum shoves him hard onto his back. 

It knocks the air out of his chest when he lands and it pisses him off the way his body gives him away when he hears himself moan loud and wanton. Callum kneels over him with a smirk and all the fight in him gives way to desire at the sight of his boyfriend so pleased with himself, so full of mischief, his big broad body backlit by moonlight, hard and ready. 

Callum smooths his hands down Ben's arms raising all the hairs there in anticipation. 

"Ready?" Callum whispers. 

"For what?"

A smile tugs at the corner of Callum's mouth and he quickly pins Ben's wrists at his sides, his grip so tight it makes Ben gasp out _Fuck_. 

Callum looks down at his hands, self amazed and delighted before crashing his lips against Ben's, kissing him with such intensity that it makes his lungs burn. 

Ben tries to free himself from Callum's grasp but he can’t, his boyfriend is too strong for him. The realisation excites him, it makes all the blood in his body run hot.

Callum trails his lips wet across Ben's face, nips at his jaw and then kisses lower, lower, across his shoulders and down his chest. Ben struggles just to feel his strength, a flash of pleasure lighting up the dark of the room every time Callum tightens his grip. 

“Are you gonna let go of me?” 

Callum sinks his teeth into the soft flesh of Ben's belly in answer and he wants to tell him to do it again but he knows he shouldn't let him know how close he is to winning. 

Callum rests his chin on Ben's stomach and stares up at him, those huge eyes gone dark with desire. Sweat prickles at Ben's hairline and beads on his chest, he's burning up under Callum's gaze. 

Just when he can't stand it another second, Callum bows his head and licks along the length of his achingly hard dick. 

It feels like heaven to be held down and tasted. Callum does it again, again and again, he drives him half insane with that pretty pink tongue and he knows it. 

He tries desperately to free himself when Callum's stubble scrapes over his balls but his boyfriend is ready for him and he leans his weight into his fists to keep him still. 

Callum looks up at him again and makes sure he has Ben's full attention before he pushes the tip of his tongue into his slit and _fuck_ all Ben can do is throw back his head and try to hold on. 

“ _That’s_ cheating,” he gasps.

When Callum digs his tongue in harder, Ben’s hips jerk up on reflex and a sudden wash of warm breath tells him that his reaction made Callum laugh. Fucker. God, how he adores him. 

Callum kisses a line along Ben's hip and down his inner thigh then sucks his balls into his mouth without warning before Ben can process what's happening. 

Ben strains against Callum's grip as he sucks hard, the pull and the wet heat almost more than he can take and when he cries out Callum laughs sending deep vibrations thrumming all through him. His eyes roll back, _everything_ rolls back, his heart, his stomach even his fucking mind. 

He's going to lose this bet to a rookie and he doesn't give a shit because it's so good. Fuck, this isn't him. Mitchells play to win. 

He kicks at Callum's back with his heels, hard enough to throw him off but not enough to hurt him. 

Callum draws free and Ben is filled with regret at the loss of stimulation until Callum kneels up and shakes out his hair like a fucking model and his hard dick slaps against his stomach. 

“Now that’s cheating," Callum laughs. 

Ben looks exaggeratedly from one pinned wrist to the other. 

"What do you call holding me down then?"

Callum shrugs and Ben seizes the opportunity to break free, yanking his hands away before Callum can stop him. He sits up against the headboard and makes a show of rubbing his wrists. Callum leans in, head tilted to one side with a look of vague concern on his face and Ben watches him carefully for the perfect moment to strike. 

It's hard not to be distracted by the drool that shines on his chin or the long string of precum that he desperately wants to taste but he's playing the long game. 

Callum starts to knee his way up the bed and Ben launches himself at him and tickles his sides which makes Callum squirm and yell out in shock before he dissolves into a fit of giggles. 

"Ben! What're you doing?" 

"This."

He's weak with laughter so Ben overpowers him with ease and straddles him as soon as Callum's back hits the mattress to hold him down. 

Callum wriggles around as much as he can and pouts up at Ben. 

"Thought this was against the rules!"

"What're you gonna do about it, Highway?" 

Before Callum can retaliate, Ben falls over him and catches his nipple between his teeth and uses his hand to seek out the other and twists. He can't help but smile when Callum slaps a big hand against the back of his neck to hold him in place and moans as Ben sucks on the stiff peak and the tender skin surrounding it. 

He's so easy. But then again if tonight's proved anything it's that they both are. 

Ben shifts so he can take Callum's dick in his hand and strokes him loose and slow because he knows it’ll frustrate him but Callum grasps his forearm and fights his hand away using all his strength to hold Ben at bay. 

Ben struggles to regain control but he knows he doesn't stand a chance so he lets his arm go dead and Callum relents. 

Ben looks up and sees Callum looking at him with huge pleading eyes. Overcome, he climbs up his body and smashes their mouths together for a hungry kiss. Who knew he was such a sucker for puppy dog eyes, it has to be the oldest trick in the book. 

Callum engulfs him in his big arms and rolls them both together onto their sides and throws a leg over Ben, shifting until their dicks slide together. Each slip of skin on skin sends shockwaves through both of them. They grab and clutch and scratch, neither in control of themselves or the other anymore, in thrall to the rhythm.  
  
It's too fucking good, Callum’s body hot against his own, his strength, his big hands. Ben would let him do anything, fucking _anything_ he wanted. Callum slides a hand down to Ben’s arse and squeezes hard then his fingers find a way between his legs to tease and cup his balls and fuck, he doesn’t have long.

Ben seizes a fistful of Callum’s hair and pulls hard, drawing a low groan from him and then his body goes slack. He forgot how much he loves this, his good little soldier is putty in his hands. 

The bet back on.

Ben wrestles out of his grip and pushes Callum onto his stomach, holding him down with a hand at the small of his back. Only Callum doesn’t try to fight back this time, he just lays there, so beautiful in the moonlight coming in through the gap in the curtains that Ben can't properly take him all in at first. 

He shakes his head to clear it, how does he keep forgetting the fucking bet that he suggested?

Ben lifts his hand and brings it down in a hard slap against Callum’s perfect arse just to hear him moan and he does, loudly.

He spanks him again and Callum grips the sheets. They're going to have to try this again when they've had a chance to discuss it first but for now he's got him where he wants him.

Ben scoots down the bed and leans on his elbows. He has to work fast, there’s no time for romance tonight. 

He lifts Callum’s hips just enough, just high enough to bury his face in that gorgeous arse. He licks his lips then swirls his tongue against Callum’s hole. 

"Not fair!" Callum whines. 

It wasn't exactly the response he was hoping for so Ben pulls back and taps Callum’s hip to get his attention. "D'you want me to stop?"

Silence. 

"Callum?" he prompts.

"Aw just do it, Ben.”

"Babe…"

Callum groans and it sounds more like exasperation than arousal but either way he hugs his pillow and shuffles his legs apart. Ben bites back a laugh not wanting him to feel embarrassed because he clearly does not want him to stop. 

"Yes, yes. I want it. _Please_."

If this is defeat then he's willingly accepting it, whatever he might say to the contrary.

Ben settles back down and flicks his tongue against Callum’s hole over and over until he sounds like he’s melting, his moans coming in a continuous stream, carried out into the room on every breath. 

Ben remembers how Callum lifted off the bed like a man possessed yesterday when he sucked hard against his hole so he tries it again and can’t help but feel delight when he gets the same huge, beautiful response. He pushes the tip of his tongue inside and Callum sinks back down with a sigh and opens his legs even wider.

He must've done something right in a past life to get a boyfriend who's so responsive and eager. 

As he laps at Callum's hole, the bed starts to rock, just a bit at first but then the headboard starts to knock off the wall. Ben realises with a smile that Callum is humping the mattress, harder and harder with every passing second. 

He guessed that Callum wasn't a gambling man but this is something else. If he were just to give Callum another minute, victory would be his but it's only fair that he give him a fighting chance.

Ben pulls away and props himself up on his elbow. 

“Ohhhhhhhh _why_?”

“Gotta catch my breath, babe.”

Callum rolls onto his back, his chest heaving and his body glistening with sweat.

“Is it weird?” Callum asks.

“What?”

Callum shoots him a look.

“Nah, course not, you like what you like. I think it’s cute.”

Ben crawls over to him and trails a finger along the length of Callum’s straining dick and stops to watch how it bobs up and down, desperate for another touch. 

He reaches out again and Callum suddenly snaps back to the moment and clumsily manhandles Ben onto his back, pressing him into the wet patch he left on the duvet.

Ben waits for Callum to make his move and kind of hopes he doesn't at the same time because he has an idea. More of a fantasy, actually. 

"Callum."

"Yeah?"

"Come here…" Ben reaches out for him but instead of moving towards him, Callum takes his hand and kisses it. “Oh baby, come here. Straddle my chest, right up here," he pats his sternum, "face the window.”

Callum lets go of his hand and lays it to rest gently on the bed.

“Why?”

“I ain’t being very fair, not giving you a chance to win. This'll level the playing field a bit."

Callum hesitates.

“D’you trust me?”

Callum’s face softens and he starts to move, whispering a quiet, “You know I do,” as he carefully climbs over Ben and shuffles into position with Ben guiding him. 

With his hands around Callum’s waist, Ben moves him back until he’s kneeling over his face then he bends him over slightly with a steady hand on his back.

Callum leans his weight on the mattress and takes a deep shaky breath.

“Ready?” Ben asks.

“Yes.”

Ben holds onto Callum’s waist and draws him closer, encouraging him to relax and when he doesn’t, Ben’s grip turns urgent and he drags Callum down towards his face, nuzzling in against him in an attempt to dissolve Callum’s residual anxiety.

When that doesn't work, Ben licks his lips and laps against his hole.

Callum makes a high pitch, _Oh!_ sound and Ben can’t suppress the joyful giggle that bubbles in his chest. 

He digs his nails into Callum’s hips and buries his face deeper into his arse and enjoys the flurry of soft surprised noises his boyfriend makes as he works his tongue. 

Callum’s tremors run all through him and into Ben’s hands, soft vibrations that make the air around them come alive.

Ben tilts his face and presses the flat of his tongue against Callum’s hole, licking slowly, slowly, upwards across the tender skin until Callum makes that beautiful sobbing noise that Ben so adores.

Ben pushes his tongue back across the hot trail he just made and Callum’s body jerks and shudders hard.

“Stop, stop!” Callum calls out as he scrambles forwards.

Ben rests back against the pillow and gives Callum’s sides a reassuring squeeze.

“You okay, babe?”

“I don’t wanna hurt you."

Callum tries to look over his shoulder but he can’t get the angle right to make eye contact, Ben can feel his growing distress so he rubs a soothing hand over his back in the hopes that it’s of comfort to him.

“If you wanna stop, we’ll stop. But believe me on this, you could never hurt me, babe. If you wanna keep going, just relax and enjoy yourself, alright?"

“Okay.”

Ben lets him breathe and collect himself for a while as he rubs circles into his back. 

“Wanna keep going?”

“Yeah. I mean, yes. Yes.”

Ben takes hold of his hips and starts again, lapping, licking, sucking, anything he can think of to make Callum moan, rejoicing internally every time that sobbing sound cracks free from his chest as his own need spreads hot through his belly.

It's like Callum reads his mind because he reaches out and strokes his dick and _fuck_ the different angle feels amazing or maybe it’s just the sheer relief of his touch but either way Ben’s feet slip on the duvet and his eyes roll back in his head as he's overwhelmed with pleasure. 

He misses a beat or two but Callum doesn’t hold it against him, swiping his thumb across the head of Ben's dick and making his toes curl. 

It occurs to him that Callum is playing to win again, that he needs to get his head back in the game. The thought makes him laugh - as if they’re even going to make dinner at this rate anyway.

Ben rolls his tongue and presses it against Callum’s hole and when he pushes inside, Callum loosens his grip and rocks his hips reflexively. Ben unfurls his tongue and Callum grinds against his face and he can’t help but feel pride that his boyfriend trusts him enough to let go, it makes Ben even harder, painfully fucking hard. 

He’s dreamed of this for so long, asphyxiating in his boyfriend’s need, Callum giving himself over so completely. 

Callum’s moans get louder and Ben slips his hands down to feel the strength in his thighs as he moves. His knees turn in and press into Ben’s sides which means he’s nearing the edge. Ben tries to find somewhere to put his hands that feels right. Something's missing but he doesn't know what.

Then he realises. 

Ben holds out a hand but it goes unnoticed. He gently taps Callum’s leg to get his attention and holds out his hand again and is flooded with something, love maybe, when Callum takes it and interlaces their fingers together. 

It feels like magic, this simple act of hand holding, this moment of connection. Ben smooths his thumb across the back of Callum's hand, he hopes he gets it, he hopes he feels it too.

Ben’s own aching need burns between his legs and glows bright every time Callum shudders and moans and he’s grateful, so purely grateful for every stroke of his hand. He revels in it, all of it, the smothering heat of Callum all around him and his touch. 

Ben presses a kiss against the sensitive skin of Callum’s hole and when he hums into it, Callum squeezes his hand and spills a hot stream of precum onto his chest. 

It's anyone's game after that. Callum leans into Ben’s hand, letting him hold him up and allowing him to feel everything as he moves to the rhythm of Ben’s tongue, stroking him faster and faster, somehow keeping perfectly in sync with Ben’s pace.

Ben feels Callum's body go rigid and then his knees press into him again, almost painfully this time and he grips his hand hard, so hard it takes everything Ben has to keep from trying to pull away but mercifully he seems to realise eventually. And then nothing else matters but making Callum come. Ben can barely breathe but he doesn't care. Giving up oxygen for Callum's pleasure feels like a fair sacrifice.

But then Callum opens his fingers and Ben’s heart sinks. He doesn’t want to let go. There's a heavy pang of sadness in his chest until Callum lifts his hand to his lips and kisses it sweetly and breaks the spell. Ben happily lets go, for now knowing he'll be back in Callum's arms soon enough. 

The bed starts to shake again and the headboard knocks against the wall. Ben quickly realises what's happening, Callum is stroking both of them frantically and rocking his body against Ben's face. Ben knows Callum can't keep this up for long and he understands that he wants to take Ben down with him. 

Ben keeps him steady as he can with a hand at his hip, he needs to breathe but nothing could make him ruin this moment, fuck he’d rather pass out first. 

And then it begins, Callum says _Ben_ a hundred times and maybe he's a narcissist but it pushes him over the edge to hear his name turned into an animal, guttural chant. 

He comes so hard he sees stars and he feels every quiver of Callum’s own orgasm against his tongue. Tonight they're in sync, peaking at the same moment and Callum shouting loud enough for both of them.

When it's over, Callum inches down the bed and keels over onto his side in a heap, something Ben is only vaguely aware of. 

Ben flops against the pillow and gulps in lungfuls of air. The sudden flow of oxygen to his brain makes him feel dreamy and far away in the most beautiful way, this, this is the perfect high. 

Ben feels as if he's never going to come back down to earth and he can't bring himself to care until Callum catches his eye and looks at him with a look he's never seen.

Overcome, Ben rolls over into his boyfriend's waiting arms and snuggles against his chest, neither bothered about the mess they're in. 

"I think that was a draw," Callum chuckles. 

“We’ll have to have a referee present next time.”

Callum prods his sides and Ben can practically hear him rolling his eyes. 

"I'm sorry we missed dinner. Are you bothered?"

"Nah. We can always reschedule. Are you bothered?" Ben asks.

"I ain't bothered about anything right now. Although, since a draw means we’re going halvers for tonight, how about we go to McKlunky’s?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Callum stretches out his limbs with a contented sigh. 

"As soon as you text me saying you was in the shower, I knew dinner was down the drain anyway. I can't get enough of ya, can I? You know I've been thinking about you sitting on my face since I first met ya." Ben rambles, too exhausted to filter his thoughts. 

"God, Ben!" Callum draws anxious little circles into Ben's chest. "Really?"

"Yeah. It's why I made you go get me a pint the day we met."

"Nothing to do with me being the bartender?"

"More to do with your peachy arse and them thighs in those tight jeans of yours. Might have had a cheeky private thought about you sitting on me face when I got home."

He feels Callum smiling. 

"I can't believe you said that."

Ben pounds his fists on the bed. 

"Where's my fried chicken?" 

"Mm do we have to put clothes on?"

"Yep."

"Ten more minutes."

Ben rubs his boyfriend's back. 

"Yeah, it's just.. I really want some wings."

"Not a breast man, huh?"

"Not so much."

He waits for Callum to say something and then hears him snoring softly, he can’t begrudge him a sleep after that so he just enjoys the rise and fall of his chest and the steady beat of his heart until he feels him start to stir about half an hour later. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Ben whispers. 

"Yeah. I feel amazing. Are you okay?"

"Never better."

"I'm gonna go get us something."

Ben reluctantly lets Callum go and watches as he rolls out of bed, holding his towel over himself to go to the bathroom even though they’re alone in the flat. 

He returns with a damp washcloth and kneels up on the bed to clean them both up. He wipes Ben's face first with a barely concealed smile. 

Once they're both presentable, Ben brushes his teeth and they get dressed together in the bedroom. Clothes feel wrong now but needs must. 

Outside is dark and cold and crisp and they wander along in comfortable silence, sated and content. Ben already feels like he’s walking a couple of inches above the ground but then Callum takes his hand and his heart soars. He buries his face in Callum's arm and lets him lead the way, he really doesn’t care what’s ahead of him so long as they're together. 

McKlunky's is Monday night quiet but Ben still chooses to leave Callum at a table in the corner so he can go up to order by himself because he knows he won’t be able to keep his hands off him otherwise. 

He watches Callum while he waits, he's just messing with his phone but it's a beautiful sight. After a while he looks up directly into Ben’s eyes and both of them blush a deep shade of red.

He doesn't know how long he waits for their food, time really has no meaning when he's watching Callum. He could stare at him all night. 

Callum puts his phone away as Ben slides their tray onto the table. Ben takes a seat next to him rather than opposite, wanting to be close. 

"After all that, you just paid for dinner."

"Yeah, well, I kinda like you owing me. Even if it’s just for half a chicken combo."

Callum knocks his knee into Ben’s and dives into his meal like he hasn’t eaten in weeks and Ben realises just how fucking hungry he is too when he starts eating. 

Once their chicken combos are demolished, they lean back in their seats, shoulder to shoulder in comfortable silence. 

"Lexi was born there."

Callum looks around him, confused.

"What?"

"Yeah. Me and Jay, we was stood over there by the counter and Lola was on the floor with her back against that wall. We was having chicken and chips and her waters broke. There weren't enough time for an ambulance so it all happened here. I have never been so fucking scared in all my life.”

“I had no idea.”

“I’m surprised Lex ain’t told you yet! She will and you best act surprised when she does.”

Callum laughs. “I will," he prods Ben's stomach, "I bet she tells it better anyway."

He should leave it at that but he can't stop himself. He hears himself talking, it's like an out of body experience. 

"It was Jay who helped Lo through it before Billy got here but that's Jay, always stepping up and getting it right." He sighs. “I know.. I know I ain't always been there for her, I know I ain’t the best dad but I love her.” 

He takes a long pull on his drink in the hopes of swallowing this down but it doesn't work. 

"I missed out on so much. I really fucked up."

"No, Ben. You didn’t. You should see the way she looks at ya, she adores you. And you are a good dad. My mum left when I was a kid. I don't remember it.. the day she went, I mean. I just remember that she never came back. What I'm trying to say is, all that matters is that you're here, now. You're amazing, Ben."

Ben swallows hard to try and stop the tears that are threatening and keeps to a whisper to be on the safe side when he speaks.

"I could say the same to you. The people you come from, the things you've been through and you're… you're so lovely, Callum." 

Callum turns around to see if anyone's looking then leans in and kisses Ben on the cheek.

"That won't happen again though, will it?"

"What won't?"

"Missing out on things."

Ben looks down. Callum wants to know what the chances are that he'll end up back inside or on the run. He'd managed to put it all out of his head for the weekend, all the shit with Mel and Sharon, the Martin situation, knowing that his dad will be back next month if not sooner. He really wasn't ready to come back to reality but here they are. 

"Here's hoping it don't happen, ey?"

"It ain't just Lexi who'd be missing ya."

Fuck. Why did he have to go and say that? Ben can't bear to look up even as Callum takes his hand and holds it on his leg. He wants to walk out but Callum would only follow and chase after him and make a scene. Maybe if he stays quiet, he'll drop it. 

"Forget I said that, let's just live in the moment for now, ey?" 

Ben looks up and sees Callum smiling and it seems genuine. Thank fuck for that.

"Carpe fucking diem, ey?"

"Carp what?"

Ben chuckles. "Nothing, babe. Cheers."

Ben lifts his drink and Callum raises his too. 

"Cheers."

"Come on, let's get outta here."

Ben gets up and strides outside, not bothering to check whether Callum is following but feeling relief all the same when he catches up and takes his hand again, giving it a gentle squeeze as they walk along. 

Without meaning to, they end up in the park, it's as if a gravitational pull were formed there the first night they spent together and they're destined to be pulled back here time and time again. 

Callum walks ahead slightly and leads Ben over to the bench, _their_ bench, suddenly swinging Ben around by the hand when they're close to it and gently pushing him down on the table. 

"Smooth moves, Highway!"

Callum grins then glances around to make sure they're alone. Ben can't recall him ever doing that before and tonight he's done it twice but then he's standing in between Ben's legs and kissing him chaste and sweet and it's all but forgotten. 

"I still remember the sound you made when I pushed you down on this bench the first time."   
  
"Was it sexy?"

"Why d'you think I remember it?"

Ben strains up to Callum and is rewarded with a long, slow kiss that leaves him tingling even as Callum pulls away and sits next to him on the table.

“I dunno if this is weird.. I probably shouldn’t tell ya but I really liked feeling your stubble when I was sitting on your... you know."

“That ain’t weird,” Ben rests his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Nothing you’re into is weird. I’m just glad it didn’t ruin it for ya, I ain’t shaved since Thursday, forgot my razor when we went to the hotel and just couldn’t be arsed today.”

Callum shuffles his foot along the seat until it’s pressed against Ben’s.

“You should forget your razor more often.” 

"I'll keep that in mind."

Callum kisses the top of Ben’s head and lingers there, smelling his hair and humming contentedly. 

It's only when Ben’s hands start to go numb with the cold that he has the heart to suggest they head off. He hopes not but Ben wonders if Callum is expecting him to go back to his own home and he's filled with happiness when Callum leads him back to his place with an arm around his shoulders.

Callum calls out to Stuart when they get inside and pokes his head around his bedroom door. 

"It's just us," he confirms. 

Ben rushes to him and Callum cups his face and kisses him, walking him backwards to press him up against the wall and deepening the kiss. Ben clings to his waist and lets himself be carried away. He’ll never get enough of kissing Callum, never. Every slide of his tongue is heaven, every soft moan, every brush of his lips. He could stand here all night in his coat and boots being kissed and kissed and kissed. 

When Callum pulls away it's only because they need to breathe and he rubs his nose against Ben's as if he doesn't really want it to end either. 

"Wanna get ready for bed and watch some telly?"

Ben opens his eyes. He didn't realise he still had them closed.

Callum repeats the question because Ben didn't answer but he still doesn't know what to say. It isn’t the question that's throwing him off, it's the presumption that he’d be staying over that's causing his heart to hammer against his ribs. 

"That sounds good,” he says, eventually, because Callum is waiting and because it's the truth. 

"I kinda think I need another shower first. I'm still a bit.." Callum lowers his voice even though it's just them. "I'm a bit sticky."

"Well if you need someone to scrub your back..."

"How about i scrub yours?" He says and winks with both eyes.

"Even better."

Callum grins, that smile that's pure beaming sunshine and goes towards the bathroom as Ben starts to take off his coat. But when Callum notices, he stop him and guides him over to the sofa.

Ben watches in stunned silence as Callum kneels at his feet, opens the laces on his boots and pulls them off and then helps Ben to his feet to slip off his coat. 

He carries Ben's things over to the top of the stairs and stows his boots away next to his trainers and hangs his coat on the same hook as his jacket. 

Well fuck. 

Ben wants to tell him he didn’t need to do it but for some reason he feels certain that Callum already knows that. Callum is choosing to look after him. 

Ben wanders into the bedroom in a trance and changes into his glasses, falling back on his usual routine to keep himself from telling Callum something he'll regret. 

You're the only who's ever made me feel loved like this. You're the only one who's ever loved me the way I need to be loved. 

Callum watches him from the doorway and tells him looks gorgeous when he's done and he still can't shake the feeling that's building in his chest.

Callum leads the way to the bathroom and begins unbuttoning his top but Ben quickly takes over for him, even going so far as to undo his cuffs so his shirt can be removed with ease and then Callum does the same for him. They both kick off their trousers and boxers and chuck them in a pile in the corner of the room. 

Neither of them says anything when they're done. Ben doesn't know what the fuck he might say stripped naked under the bright bare bulb. 

He takes out his hearing aid and Callum quickly rips off a few squares of toilet paper for him to place it on and turns Ben by the shoulder to make sure he can see his lips before asking if it’ll be safe on top of the cabinet to which Ben nods in response, not trusting his voice. 

After starting the shower running, Callum turns to draw Ben into his arms and holds him close as the water heats then takes off his glasses and guides him over the side of the bath. 

Ben stands under the steady stream with Callum behind him, sighing and leaning against him when Callum puts his arms around him. 

Callum’s hands start to wander across Ben’s body and his touch lights him up and makes his skin tingle and spark.

When Callum pulls back it’s only briefly and then his hands return soap slick, running all over him and everywhere until Ben doesn’t know where he ends and Callum begins. He hears himself moan loudly but there’s nothing he can do to stop himself. 

Callum slips a hand between his legs and squeezes his balls then slides a finger along the sensitive skin behind them. It's unexpected, slightly but Ben welcomes it. 

Callum taps Ben’s leg and he doesn't get it at first, not until Callum hooks his hand under his thigh and lifts his foot up onto the side of the bath. Fuck he loves feeling like this, spread open for Callum and waiting. 

Callum runs his hands all over him and then tickles his fingers along his inner thighs and lets his hand slip between his legs. He hesitates for a brief moment and then presses a finger against Ben's hole. It feels nice, good even. Ben groans and lets his head roll back against his boyfriend’s chest. 

When Callum applies a bit more pressure he feels his dick begin to stir. He thought he was done for the night, completely satisfied but he should have known, he’s never done when it comes to Callum.

Callum experiments working his finger back and forth and fuck Ben would happily indulge in this all night if Callum was up for it. He feels so pleasantly aroused and relaxed, all warm and fuzzy with his boyfriend holding him up; it's perfect. 

For a while Ben thinks he might even fall asleep standing up. But then Callum starts to circle his finger tip, alternating the pressure in a spiral and Ben feels his need start to burn inside and his knees go so weak that he has to lean forward and slap his hands flat on the wall in front of him.

Callum is unrelenting once he realises that Ben's into this. He teases his hole and reaches forward to pump his dick until he's hard, letting go when he's given him just enough to keep him on edge. 

Callum kisses his shoulders and the back of his neck and Ben feels him laugh when he peers over and sees the way his dick leaks and bobs with every touch. 

The water runs cooler but Ben can’t bring himself to care until it turns cold and Callum hurriedly leans past him to shut it off.

"Shit, sorry. That's what happens when you take too many showers." 

Ben nods, whatever. He doesn't have a single thought in his head anymore, just the hope that Callum sorts something out so they can keep going.

With Callum's arms steadying him, Ben steps over the side of the bath and finds himself being wrapped up in a towel. He doesn't care. Dripping wet, cold, it doesn't matter. He just wants Callum's hands on him again even if they end up down on the hard bathroom floor. 

Callum grabs a towel for himself and hastily dries them both off and retrieves Ben’s hearing aid and glasses before dragging him off to the bedroom and slamming the door behind them. 

Ben chucks his glasses down on the nightstand and within seconds Callum is pushing him down onto his stomach, rough enough to make him moan. He likes this side of Callum, he'll never tell him but he knows he isn't exactly hiding it. 

He feels the mattress sag and Callum crawl over him and then his kisses fall over him like rain all over his shoulders and down his back. 

It’s bliss this overtaking.

"Can I?"

Ben looks over his shoulder at him and meets Callum's heavy lidded gaze. He’s not sure what he’s asking but it doesn’t matter, the answer is yes, the answer is always yes.

Ben reaches back and takes Callum’s hand for a brief moment.

"Yes."

Callum lifts Ben’s hips until he’s up on his knees with his face still buried in a pillow that smells of his boyfriend. 

He breathes in deeply and exhales warm air over Ben's back and then kisses lower. 

He gets it then. Callum's returning the favour. If he wasn't so blissed out he'd tell him he wasn't really into it but he can't bring himself to speak. Honestly it's probably because he's curious, curious about what this might be like with Callum. 

The first flick of Callum's tongue against his hole feels strange but he loves having Callum's big hands around his waist and his soft breath on his skin. The more he does it, the nicer it feels and every so often he hears Callum moan which just makes it even better still. 

Callum circles his tongue the way he did his finger and Ben likes that, he would go so far as to say he enjoys it and he groans to let Callum know. 

Callum keeps circling his tongue as he reaches between Ben's legs and runs his long fingers along the length of his dick. The intermingling sensations ignite a spark and he grasps at the sheets. When he thinks of Callum loving this and wanting Ben to get it too, when he thinks of how much he cares, how he tries; the spark glows even brighter. 

Callum finds a rhythm between his tongue and his hand as Ben breathes in the scent of his sleep from his pillow and lets it all wash over him in gentle waves. Callum keeps moaning softly as he works, always the kind of man to find joy in someone else's pleasure. God, he loves him so much.

Time turns liquid, Callum’s tongue opens Ben up as he strokes his dick and gives way to a slow, gentle building of pleasure that he never wants to end. 

Callum is patient and so tender, Ben knows he’d do this all night if he let him but he's beginning to feel frustrated. 

“Faster,” Ben breathes.

Callum pulls away and Ben hears him spit but before he can prepare himself, his hand comes back wet and fuck, it feels good. Callum has to thrust his fist at this angle and going faster like this rocks his whole body. 

He’s already close when he feels Callum’s tongue wet against his hole again and he can't deny that he missed it, that he likes it. Sweat trickles down his back and stings his eyes as his blood sears in his veins. 

Callum circles round and round, pushing inside of Ben and spiraling his tongue back out until he's dizzy with it. His head is buried so deep in the pillow that he can barely breathe.. another little something he discovered he likes tonight, and just when he thought he was too old to learn any new tricks. 

He hugs the pillow to try and ground himself. He’s on fire, sweating, shaking hard now and desperate for something to give.

Callum grunts with exertion but keeps a steady pace and it's only when his arm twitches and his knuckle knocks against the ridge of Ben's dick that the storm finally breaks. 

Ben comes hard and it being the second time tonight it's all the more intense. He gets so lost in it he's not sure how or when it started only that he’s swimming in the feeling, in the wonder that is Callum’s tongue working in tandem with his hand. Callum wrings every drop from him, patient, thorough. 

His love for this was given to him by Ben and is now shared. This is a gift and it’s beautiful. 

It breaks, finally, maybe it’s only been seconds or maybe it’s been hours, he doesn’t know. He turns his head to catch his breath and Callum kneels up and pats his back as if to tell him he can let go now and he does, he falls hard onto the bed, blissed out and boneless. 

_Fuck_.

"Okay, you win, that was amazing,” he mumbles.

"Win what?" Callum asks.

Ben just wants to just pass out even in his own mess and sweat. But he thinks of what Callum would do and he hauls himself up and puts on his glasses. 

Callum is flushed pink and hard and ready. 

“Mm.. How about…” 

Ben clambers over him and straddles his waist. He makes a show of switching his ring to his dominant hand and then leans over to grab the lube with an exaggerated grunt that makes Callum lick his lips.

He dribbles the lube into his palm and Callum half sits and reaches up to fiddle with his glasses.

“They’re all fogged up.”

Ben places his hand flat on Callum’s chest and shoves him back down onto the bed.

“You did that.”

Callum opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by a moan as Ben starts to stroke using that twist he knows he likes. Callum touches Ben everywhere he can reach and then trails his fingers through the cum on his chest and sucks on his fingers with a low moan.

"Mm.. you like the way I taste?"

"Yeah," Callum breathes. 

Ben takes Callum's nipple between his fingers and tugs as Callum squirms beneath him, his feet slipping on the duvet. 

It doesn’t take long once he finds the right pace, just a few strikes of his ring against the ridge of Callum's dick and he’s whimpering and crying out.

Ben can see the bite marks he left along his skin even in the half light and he feels a sense of pride when they blush a deeper shade of red as his skin heats.

He looks so beautiful when he comes with his parted lips and that serene expression that falls over him before his eyebrows knit together and his nose scrunches up as it hits. And fuck how Ben loves the way he spills molten down his hand. 

He only stops when Callum starts to twitch and then he waits for him to open his eyes before he licks his hand clean just to catch the look of soft awe on his face. 

That was fucking _perfect_. 

Ben flops down, suddenly overcome with exhaustion and rests his head against his boyfriend's chest. 

"I need another shower," Callum mutters, his words sleep slurred.

"Fuck off."

Callum giggles and wraps his arms around Ben. 

“That was incredible, babe. Thank you.”

“You too,” Callum mumbles.

Ben reckons he’s on the brink of sleep but he wants to kiss him first before he goes so he shrugs out of his embrace and shuffles up the bed but when he cups his face, Callum turns his head away and frowns. 

"I don't..” He sounds more awake now in a way that makes Ben’s stomach twist. This is serious. “Ugh. Sorry. Ben, would you be offended if I went and brushed my teeth first?"

"God Callum, of course not. And if you want me to do the same next time then I will."

"I don't mind, not really but.. yeah if that's okay, I'd kinda prefer if you did."

"Of course, you gotta be comfortable to say what you need yeah?"

Callum nods, he looks happy so Ben takes a breath and kisses his first two fingers to press against Callum's mouth, a placeholder for later.

Callum rolls out of bed and stretches out his arms. Ben’s never seen him so dynamic after sex and he's about to tell him he’s impressed but Callum just dithered about; bending down but not picking anything up and bumping into the side of the bed.

“Oh my God, babe, what are you doing?" 

"I dunno."

Ben gets up laughing and sits Callum down on the edge of the bed to dress him in his sleep clothes, lifting his arms up to put on his t-shirt and kneeling to slide on his boxers and jogging bottoms and finally slipping on his socks. 

Callum whispers a soft word of thanks and ambles off to the bathroom in a daze, humming to himself as he goes. God, he's so soft, so lovely. Ben clutches his chest and leans against the wall just for a moment. 

He shakes out the duvet although they could probably do with a change of sheets and then dresses in his boxers and one of Callum's t-shirts. He's a sweaty, sticky mess so he joins his boyfriend in the bathroom and cleans himself up and they brush their teeth together, shoulder to shoulder. 

Callum smiles at him in the bathroom mirror. 

"A bit of telly before bed?" Ben asks. 

Callum ducks his head, smiling shyly. 

"Go on then."

They settle down together on the sofa and Callum covers them both with a blanket as Ben snuggles in close. They find a repeat of some sitcom but neither of them really watches it, the feeling of being so close and so comfortable, too pleasantly overwhelming to pay attention to anything else.

When Ben glances up at Callum his stomach flips hard. He really is the most gorgeous man he's ever seen and he’s his. Callum meets his eye and gazes down at him and it feels like a dream, the kind of dream someone else might be lucky enough to have but not him, never him. And yet here they are.

"About dinner tonight.." 

Callum’s voice brings him back to reality but he doesn’t mind, reality is just as good as a dream, for once. 

"Yeah?"

"I didn't wanna go."

"Aw babe, you should'a said."

Ben sits up and rubs Callum's chest and he smiles tightly. 

"I er…" 

He huffs out a laugh and drags a hand over his face. Fuck, he's stressed. He remembers how off he seemed earlier and curses himself for ignoring it. Ben braces himself for something bad, something that’ll ruin this idyll but he leaves his hand where it is, trusting that Callum would push him away if he wanted to. 

"I was scared."

"Scared?"

"I know we've been out ‘round here, I've kissed ya in the Vic, outside it too," he smiles at the memory, "I've held your hand, had my arm 'round your shoulder and I know anything could happen, even on me own doorstep but... It don’t feel the same as going out out, ya know? The hotel was one thing, it felt safe cos we had a room, somewhere to.. to hide. But.. I was too nervous to even hold your hand in Tesco in case something happened. And I know we can try not to touch but I ain’t ready for that, not yet. I er… I can’t get enough of ya either.” He laughs but there’s no joy in it.

Oh. 

Of all the things he thought might go wrong tonight, it wasn’t that. But it makes sense. He hates himself for not realising sooner and saying something first. He's meant to be the one with experience. 

"I can't tell you that you shouldn't be scared. I can't tell you nothing will happen. Paul..." 

He feels tears prick in his eyes but he twists his ring and takes a breath, he has to say this. 

"I know all too well what can happen, I’ve lived the worst case scenario but I promise I will look after ya, as best I can. I won't do anything you don't want to and I… and I.." 

"Hey, hey look at me," Ben looks up into Callum’s beautiful eyes. "What happened.. it weren't your fault. This ain't on you, Ben. None of it. It's just… it's the way things are. I'm telling ya cos I know you get it and I want you to know that these bad feelings, they ain't anything to do with you."

Ben hangs his head. There doesn't seem to be anything to say so for once in life he decides to say nothing. Callum takes his hand and holds their fists over his heart; Ben recognises the gesture, he's done this before, it felt to him like an act of defiance the first time he did it, tonight it feels different. 

"You know I trust you, don't you?" Callum says eventually. "I trust you completely. You, Ben, you make me feel safe."

Callum puts two fingers under Ben's chin and gently turns his head to face him and mouths, "Are you okay?" which Ben answers with a nod. 

"How about dinner tomorrow night at Walford East?" Ben offers. It's not an answer because there isn't one but it is something. 

"I'd like that."

"Can I kiss you?" Ben whispers. 

"I'd like that too."

Ben cups his boyfriend’s face, his beautiful, perfect face and leans in slow, kissing him soft and tender, savouring every part of it. Every moment of honesty, every moment of reassurance, it seems to bring them closer in a way he can’t describe in words but he can feel when they kiss. It's something ineffable, something that only their bodies can express.

There's footsteps on the stairs but neither of them can bear to break apart until they absolutely have to and that so happens to be when Stuart is standing behind them taking off his jacket.

"Alright, you two?" 

Callum looks to his brother over his shoulder but Ben can't seem to tear his eyes away from Callum’s face. 

"Yeah we’re good, bruv. How was your night?"

Whatever Stuart does elicits a sigh from Callum.

Ben zones out as they say their goodnights, settling back down against Callum’s chest. When Stuart is gone, Callum cards his fingers through Ben’s hair and they both go back to pretending to watch the TV.

It’s such a normal thing, this. It’s something people do all the time, cuddling on the sofa with the TV on in the background. 

Callum gave him this. Callum gave him normality.

He cuddles in close and wraps his arms tightly around his boyfriend. 

They stay in a comfortable silence for the duration of two episodes, just holding and relaxing. Everything has been said that needed to be said, everything has been done that they wanted to do, for tonight, at least. This is what peace feels like. 

Ben has never known anything to feel so ordinary and yet so extraordinary at the same time. And it's wonderful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to benshighwaytoheaven for the suggestion of Callum converting Ben to loving rimming as much as he does!
> 
> Thank you for reading and for all the lovely comments so far, it motivates me to keep writing and I just really appreciate it more than I can say!! x
> 
> ETA forgot to say ...feel free to leave suggestions/requests - no promises but I've added a few more chapters to my plan so I have space to try a few diff ideas. Ty!


	19. 12th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben wants Callum to see himself the way he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that Lexi asked if she could go with Ben and Callum to the hotel and as a compromise, Callum offered to make her breakfast before school the following week.
> 
> Please check the end notes for credits!
> 
> This chapter is Rated E for explicit sexual content.
> 
>  **Warnings:** There's reference to a death which is vague enough to interpreted a few ways but could warrant a suicide tw, I've starred out the line (like this ****) in case you want to avoid it. There's also a scene involving Callum's scar in the first sex scene, I've starred that out too. Some sensual hands around throats, manhandling and dominant Ben. Let me know if you think any other warnings apply.

_**12th November 2019, 6.12pm** _

Ben feels his phone vibrate and shifts around on the sofa to fish it out of his back pocket.

_Callum [6.13pm]: hey are we still on for breakfast tomorrow?_

Part of him was hoping that maybe Callum had forgotten his arrangement with Lexi tomorrow, one tentatively made before they left for the hotel and set in stone when they returned. Breakfast made by Callum and then the two of them walking her to school. He knew it would break his daughter’s heart if Callum had forgotten so in a way this was a relief but it didn’t really feel like one. He kneads his knuckles into the back of his neck to soothe himself before replying with the truth.

_Ben [6.15pm]: yeah it's all lexi's been going on about_

Ever since he got home from Callum’s on Monday morning and told her Wednesday was the day, Lexi had been excitedly telling him about her plans for their special breakfast. She was going to spend the night round Billy’s because he had the kids tonight and all the craft stuff Ian wouldn't allow in the house like glitter and paint. She was going to make something for Callum to say thank you. He’d told her it sounded like a great idea but he wanted to fall to his knees, to tell her not to get attached, not to be like this, so open, so kind but he was proud too. 

It was a fucking mess. All of it.

His phone buzzes again.

_Callum [6.16pm]: can I come round and leave some stuff in your fridge?_

He chuckles.

_Ben [6.16pm]: mm anytime. Been a while since you put your stuff in my fridge ain't it_

He puts his phone down, hoping for a moment to think when Callum texts again.

_Callum [6.17pm]: Ben tbh I'm outside the back door with a bag of shopping can I come in?_

Ben can’t help but laugh, fuck he’s adorable. He wanders through to the kitchen and his mum turns from the sink where she’s doing the washing up, picking up after Ian as per usual.

"Callum's here,” he says, trying to keep his tone casual.

"Ooh lovely!" She quickly dries her hands and leans against the cabinet in anticipation. 

Callum walks in, a bluster of smiles and greetings and sunshine, he blushes candy floss pink when Ben kisses his cheek and Ben wants to tell him just how fucking cute he is but he doesn’t to mortify him in front of his mum.

Ben rubs his arm wishing he could pull him into an embrace. "How was your day?"

"It was alright, ta. Glad to be done for the day, just wanna chill out now."

“Oh Ben, let him put his bag down!” Kathy points to the floor and Callum sets it down with a grunt. “Cal, is this all for tomorrow? It’s too much, you have to let us give you something towards it.”

Ben looks down at the bag and notices how full it is, he hadn’t even noticed him holding it even though he let him in to unpack it. He berates himself for not seeing.

"Nah, nah. It's the least I can do, you know he took me away to a fancy hotel?"

"Yeah but he don't work hard for his money like you do,” his mum laughs like it’s funny but it fucking isn’t.

"Excuse me?" Ben snaps.

“It was a joke, Ben. Anyway, love, how's that brother of yours?"

Callum’s smile slips and he ducks his head.

"That bad, ey?” Kathy prompts.

"Yeah, you know. Am I alright to unpack?" Callum gestures to the fridge. 

"No, Ben’ll do that."

Ben opens his mouth to protest then realises how that would make him look and dutifully kneels in front of the fridge instead. He shoves everything away inside, trying not to look at any of it. Breakfast is a problem for tomorrow. 

Behind him, Callum starts to speak and it’s like ice water down his back. "Stuart.. he's been out a lot. He says he's with mates but I know he don't have any. Not proper ones anyway. He's down Mile End 'til all hours."

"Drowning his sorrows until Rainie comes home.”

"Yeah. He's been playing dad with me, asking if I'm alright, making my lunch. It's.."

"A bit much?"

Whatever Callum does in response elicits a laugh from his mum and Ben rams the last few items into the fridge, scrunches up the bag and hops up on the counter, unsure of where to put himself in the room.

"I just.. I don't want him to get lost again. I don't know if he's gonna be able to hang on. He's the only family I've got."

Ben dares to look up and sees Callum wringing his hands, full of anxiety. He didn't know any of this, he had no idea his own boyfriend was in this state. He feels sick to his stomach, bile rising in his throat. They don't talk. No, Callum talks, he talks all the time. He didn't ask. Fuck. Did he even want to know? 

"You know how he came to see me a few weeks back at the caff?"

"Oh yeah I remember that. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise for him." Ben hears himself say much too loud and too fast and his mum and Callum both startle and turn and look at him. But he’s got nothing. Nothing to say, nothing he can say. His head swims and his body feels like a stranger to him. 

"I err… Lexi ... she’s at Billy's... I er.. she forgot her bear. Can't sleep without it. I'll run it over. Won't be a minute."

He hops down off the counter and makes for the back door before remembering the fucking bear and turning on his heel to go upstairs. 

"Go on then,” his mum calls after him, “I'll keep Cal company."

_Cal._

He grabs the first teddy he sees and hammers downstairs, yanks on his boots and coat then bursts outside. The cold air is a relief, like water on a parched throat and he realises then that he's sweating. 

It’s Jay who answers and he has to stop himself from falling into his brother’s arms, so ready to just call time on all of this so he can catch his breath.

"Alright bruv? You look like shit."

“Thanks. Brought Lexi's teddy."

Jay starts to smile that knowing smile of his that tells Ben his cover story is already blown ten seconds in.

"Right. Come in then, what's happened?"

"Nothing… she forgot her.." he looks at it, some pink sparkly bullshit he’s never seen Lexi with once before in his life. "Horse."

"That's a unicorn, bruv. And we both know she don't give a shit about it. Why're you here?"

Ben looks at his feet and manages to say the one thing that’ll tell Jay everything. "Callum.."

"Ahh yeah. Today was a rough one. I put him on paperwork in the afternoon so he could get his head together."

Ben wants to fucking scream only he knows his daughter is just upstairs. He said his day was _alright_.

"Thanks."

"He's a hero, ain't he? Least I can do. That stuff is bound to get stirred up, 'specially on days like today."

Ben feels like he’s had his heart ripped out and stuffed in his throat. He can’t speak, can’t think. Jay moves towards him and raises his hand, maybe to pull him into a hug although it’s not likely, but he’d welcome anything right now, even a pat on the shoulder. They stare at each other, a vast gully of things unsaid between them, God he wants him back, he wants his brother, he wants someone.

“Daddy!”

His gaze snaps to the stairs and he sees Lexi bounding towards him and he finds himself dropping to the floor and being enveloped in her arms before he can even process what’s happening.

“You came to say goodnight?” She asks.

He nods and manages to put his arms around her, the sweet relief of holding her floods his body and makes him feel better, so much better.

“I love you, baby, I love you so much, you know that don’t ya?”

She pulls back and wrinkles her nose at him but then she sees his face and her expression softens. “I love you too, Daddy.”

She buries her face in his neck and he doesn’t know how long passes but when she finally lets go, words come easy again, like all the parts of himself that had come loose have been put back into place.

“You be good for Uncle Jay, yeah? And I’ll see you bright and early.”

He glances up and sees Lola at the top of the stairs, she points at the unicorn and mouths, “What’s that doing here?” and he shrugs in response. 

“Right, I have to love ya and leave ya. I’ve got dinner with my man.”

They all say goodnight and goodbye and it’s lovely, loud in a joyful way that home should be, like it never was when he was Lexi’s age. But by the time Ben is standing back out on the street, his heart sinks back down like a stone. He looks back to the now closed front door and yearns to be back inside with his little girl where everything is simple and loving is easy to do. 

He opens the back door at his brother's and is met with laughter but this time it rings hollow through his bones. He finds Callum sitting with Bobby, they’re both smiling and animated but his nephew’s face falls when he sees Ben. In fact the entire atmosphere curdles into an uncomfortable silence which makes sense, when Ben thinks about it. This is who he is, this is what he does. He flops down in the armchair and stares straight ahead of him, ignoring whatever is happening on the sofa. 

"Me and Callum have plans."

Bobby makes a noise of acknowledgement and Ben hears rustling, when he looks out of the corner of his eye, he sees that they're hugging. 

Bobby excuses himself upstairs with a smile for Ben on his way out of the room, to placate him no doubt. 

"Our reservation’s in ten.” Saying it makes him realise his mistake even without seeing Callum’s reaction. "So let me call Ian and tell him we ain't coming or I’ll never hear the end of it. Takeaway instead? In bed?"

He finally lets himself turn and finds Callum looking at him like he put the stars in the sky.

"Thank you."

“Off you go then, let me make this call.”

Callum stands and kisses Ben on the cheek before heading upstairs. Ben can’t bear to watch him go, the quiet intimacy of the man he-- of his man going up to his bedroom before him makes his heart ache. 

Ben grabs some takeaway menus out of the kitchen drawer and takes a moment to collect himself. Like fuck is he going to call to cancel their reservation, Ian can swivel. 

When he’s ready, or ready as he’ll ever be, he climbs the stairs and finds Callum sitting cross legged on his bed, his jeans off and hanging on the back of the door but still in his best shirt.

"Don't be mad at me…"

Callum shakes his head like he couldn’t possibly be and Ben quickly turns his back on him to root around in a pile of clothes, eventually finding one of Callum's jumpers that he’d hidden away for reasons he isn’t ready to admit to himself.

Callum feigns annoyance. "Ben Mitchell, I should've known! I’ve been looking for that!”

Ben holds up his hands in a pleading gesture and Callum smiles so wide the room fills with sunshine. Callum slips off his shirt and Ben puts it on a hanger and then watches as Callum pulls on the jumper and brings it to his face to inhale their intermingled scents with a gentle sigh.

“That’s better,” he says, almost to himself. 

Ben wants to sweep him up and kiss him all over so he busies himself with changing into comfy clothes of his own, trying to ignore the way Callum is watching him with the softest look on his face.

But when his expression slips into melancholy, Ben has to say something. He goes to him and cups his face, thumbs smoothing over his evening stubble. "You okay, babe?"

Callum nods. "Mm. I am now."

He shuffles forwards and wraps himself, his whole self, arms and legs around Ben and nuzzles his face against his chest. Ben rubs circles into his back and knows he has to speak but his chest is so tight that all that comes out is, "Was today.."

****

But it’s enough to prompt Callum to speak and he says, quietly, "Nice lady came in. Her son died. He was in the army, same as.... He never recovered… after he got home."

****

"Oh baby." 

Ben feels him start to cry even before his tears saturate his t-shirt. He doesn’t prod for more information, it doesn't matter, all that matters is that it broke Callum’s heart.

"I couldn't even speak,” he chokes out and Ben wants to tell him not to say anything, that he understands, he does, he feels his pain. “I was the one who should have known what to say. Jay had to rescue me."

"That ain't nothing to be ashamed of. You are good with people, Callum and you are good.” He knows what he has to say, the thing that was never said to him, the thing he always longed to hear. “I know it hurts but I’m here, baby, I’m here.”

Callum hums in response but he seems to calm and Ben just holds him, steadfast and patient as can be. He hopes he can feel how much he loves him. That thought stops him in his tracks and turns his body to stone. He can’t let this happen, he can’t let Callum come to rely on him, on this love. He said it to himself, he has nobody else. How could he do this to someone so good? He didn’t mean to, he didn’t even ask, not really. 

Callum pulls back and sniffs, blinking up at Ben. "Urgh I soaked your top."

He looks down into his eyes and forgets all his stupid thoughts, all that matters is Callum.

"You're all snotty too." Ben says gesturing round his face to try and lighten the mood.

"Ugh, I'm a fucking mess."

“It was a joke, Callum.” He playfully knocks his jaw with his knuckles and Callum smirks. “Let me get you a tissue though.” 

Callum flops back against the wall with a big dopey grin on his face like he’s so happy that Ben is still here, still looking after him. Ben throws him a box of tissues and he daintily blows his nose.

"Do it proper, I ain't gonna be put off.”

Callum blows his nose properly and Ben gags. 

"Aw d'you know what…" Callum says, making to stand up but Ben tackles him down, pinning his wrists. 

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”

"A mess?"

"No."

Callum sniffs. "So sexy when I cry."

"I mean yeah, if I’m being honest, but let’s not get weird.”

Callum rolls his eyes and yanks his wrists free to pull Ben down on top of him for a kiss, he tastes of salt and Ben kisses harder, wanting to obliterate it all, wanting desperately to make it all better.

When he breaks the kiss it’s because he feels like his chest might break first if he doesn’t. 

“You know you can talk to me.. If you want.”

Callum furrows his brow. “I do talk to you.”

“All that stuff about Stuart, I had no idea.”

“Yes, you did.” He laughs, incredulous. “You’ve seen it.”

“I didn’t know you was so worried.”

Callum smirks. “Cos I ain’t when I’m with you.” He lowers his voice to a whisper, “You’re my remedy.”

“Swallow me down..” Ben whispers.

“To take away the pain.” 

It’s stupid and they’re both laughing but God, Ben wants to tell him it’s been a long time since someone saw him as something other than the cause of pain only he doesn’t want to ruin the moment by making it about himself.

"Anyway, I don't have to say anything, you just have to touch me and it's all there.” He clutches his chest. “It all comes rushing out, like a backdraft when you open me up.”

If he was a better man, he’d tell him that he did the same to him but before he can, he finds himself overwhelmed, suddenly and all over again. He can’t believe Callum is here in his room, the reality of it hitting like a hammer to the back of the head and rendering him speechless.

He places his hand flat on Callum’s chest just to feel his heat and the bigness of him, to let it sink in for his body if not his mind that this is real, he’s here and smiling and it’s because of Ben, because of _them_. Then everything shifts because Callum glances down at his lips and a flame ignites in Ben’s belly. When he leans forward and kisses him, it’s fireworks, it’s glorious. The brush of his lips and that first taste of his tongue and this his mind goes blank and then it’s just his hands, the scrape of his stubble, the soft moans in the back of his throat.

When it ends it’s only because all things do but Ben feels braver after and calmer too.

“I don’t, you know.”

“What?”

“Think you’re a mess.” He pushes Callum’s hair away from his face where it’s fallen. “I wish you could see…”

Callum laughs bitterly. “First I cancel dinner up west and now I can’t even go round the corner. I dunno why you bother with me.”

“That’s a joke, ain’t it?”

“I just.. I know your life, Ben and it ain’t this. It ain’t sitting in every night.”

“My life before… I was just trying to survive the night, Callum, every night. And now…”

“And now you’re sat on your bed with me.”

“Wow. You really don’t get it, do ya?”

Callum shakes his head. “Get what?”

_You calm me down, you heat me up, you make the voices go quiet, you’re a thrill like no other._

"Hang on…"

Ben stands and straightens his clothes, leaving Callum in a heap on the bed to go fix this, to make him see.

Ben takes a moment to rest against the wall in the hallway before he goes into the room Lola shares with Lexi. It’s neat and tidy, a divider down the middle of the room so his daughter can feel like a big girl with her own space. Lola's side has a double bed nicely made up. In the corner is a full length mirror which is what he came for. Sorry Lo. He shuffles it back towards his room and walks it in through the door, placing it at the foot of the bed. 

"Ben, I…"

He raises a finger to silence Callum and shuffles the mirror a half an inch to the left and then back again.

“There now, perfect.” He drops his voice to a velvety more intimate tone. “Now then you, _come here_.” 

Callum looks confused but lets Ben move him to sit closer to the edge of the bed, his body turned towards the mirror and when Ben’s sure he’s watching himself, he runs a finger along the long length of his throat. 

Callum's mouth falls open at the sight. Ben follows the line of his lips and presses two fingers inside his mouth then trails them wet to his jaw. 

"No, no. I want you to see,” Ben whispers when Callum's eyes fall closed. 

Ben pulls off Callum's jumper and then his own shirt and leans in for a kiss, hands roaming over the planes of his chest. Then he slips off his own boxers and waits a beat to see how Callum's eyes glaze looking at him already half hard. He’ll never get used to that look. 

He hooks his thumbs in the waistband of Callum's shorts and waits, patiently, for him to nod before he drags them down his thighs. 

Just some gentle manhandling is all it takes to get Callum up on his knees at the end of the bed close enough to the mirror that he could touch if he stretched out an arm. 

Ben climbs up behind him and licks from the base of his spine to the nape of his neck. Callum's hands go from his own thighs to reach back to hold onto his calves; already flustered. 

Ben knees his way up behind him and presses his body flush against Callum's and sinks his teeth into shoulder, eliciting a low, dirty growl. He looks up and sees Callum's eyes fixed on himself in the mirror. Ben licks over the bite with the flat of his tongue and Callum trembles all over. 

He trails his hands up his body and then grasps the soft mounds of his chest, hard and when Callum's eyes fall closed he lets go, resuming only when he looks at himself again. A look of realisation dawns over Callum’s face, he gets the ground rules. Eyes on himself the whole time or they stop.

"Wanna keep playing?" Ben whispers against his neck, tongue darting out to tease that spot below his ear.

"Would it be.. you don't think…"

Ben looks up to meet Callum's eyes in the mirror. "What?" He asks at normal volume. 

Callum turns his head to try and look at Ben. "If I say yes, it ain't like.. weird or.. vain or…"

"It's hot. Ain't nothing weird about anything that gets you off." Well, he can think of a few things but that’s not the point.

"I wanna play. I mean…" He turns back to meet Ben's eyes in the mirror. "Yes, I want this."

Ben squeezes his chest hard and he cries out, swallowing the sound just as quickly. 

He’s a sight to behold, thick thighs parted, his heavy dick already hard and bobbing, his stomach drawn in with desire, and his big broad chest heaving. Ben follows the trail of hair from his bellybutton _down_ , stopping before he gives Callum any relief and ducking behind his shoulder to hide his smile when he whimpers.

“Look at yourself,” Ben tickles his fingers over Callum’s sides to make him twist and chuckles lightly at his reaction. “Look how fucking cute you are.”

A deep red flush washes over Calum’s chest and neck all the way up to the tips of his ears. Ben traces the outline of one, his finger following every line, brushing against the shell of his ear with his fingertips as Callum watches with a serene expression. 

“I was always bullied cos of me ears.”

“You wanna give me any names, I’ll beat the shit out of them.”

His beautiful laugh fills the room and he turns, briefly, towards Ben with a private smile meant just for him, too precious to trust a reflection to hold its warmth.

“I know you would but nah, nah I don’t need that. If you like em--”

“You know I do.”

Callum turns back to the mirror, chewing on his bottom lip. Whatever he was going to say is long lost but it doesn’t matter, Ben already knows because he feels it too.

_So long as he likes me, that’s all that matters._

************

And then Callum takes his hand and rubs his thumb over his knuckles before guiding it to his scar. Ben’s heart stops and time does too. It feels necessary, like ritual, a sacred rite that will make everything different. Callum watches intently as Ben lovingly traces every pit, every indent, every inch of gnarled flesh. Callum’s brow furrows and Ben has the urge to ask if he’s okay but he can feel that he is. He’s concentrating. He’s enthralled. He tilts his head and his breathing slows. He’s calm. Ben can barely stand it so he presses his forehead against his damp back, he doesn’t need to see for his fingers to find their way. 

It goes on and on this way, tender and slow, deliberate. Callum hums as he does when he’s content and tears threaten behind Ben’s eyes. He doesn’t need to hear the story because he can feel it, all the pain and fear but he knows in his heart that tonight they’re safe. And then he gets it, even without Callum saying a word. He’s existed with it all this time, catching glimpses of it but tonight he’s looking, no, he’s _seeing_ and he’s okay. He’s okay tonight, at least, because he’s not alone. He’s not alone anymore. Ben gave him that, God, he wishes he could give him that forever.

Callum slots their fingers together and holds Ben’s hand over his heart and Ben braves looking back to see him turned away from the mirror, face towards him now.

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

Ben manages to kiss the side of his mouth and then falls to kissing the nape of his neck until Callum gives him space for him to kiss the long line of his throat. He hopes he knows what he means, he hopes he understands well enough without words because the only ones he can think of are _I love you._

************

The atmosphere is charged and for a moment Ben’s mind blanks, here in front of him is the most gorgeous man he’s ever been with and he has the perfect view, all of him, he’s trusting Ben with all of him.

Letting his hands take over is all he can do and when he flicks the hard peaks of Callum’s nipples, his eyes glaze over and Ben relaxes again. 

With the lightest touch, Ben teases his nipples, ghosting over them with the pads of his thumbs. Looking along Callum’s body, not the reflection but the sight in front of him, he sees goosebumps forming over his skin and that deep flush soften to a pale pink. Callum exhales and his shoulders droop and he sways before letting himself lean heavily against Ben, a silent agreement between them that Ben will hold him up. Ben circles his nipples, adding a little pressure and then more until Callum reaches back blindly to hold onto him, soft moans falling from his parted lips. 

He knows he has to look, if Callum does then he does too, that’s only fair. He meets his eyes in the mirror and is instantly lost, his hands stilling, his breath catching in his throat, less rabbit in the headlights more lost thing intoxicated. Even though he watches Callum lift his hands, it’s still a shock when his fingers close around his wrists and watches himself gasp. Callum’s eyes shift back to himself and Ben takes that as his cue to keep going and he gently squeezes and rolls his nipples between his fingers. 

Even in the low lamplight Ben can see a bead of precum shining in the slit of Callum’s dick. When he twists his nipples, his dick bounces and the precum forms a string that dangles from the tip, Ben watches enrapt until it drips onto the carpet. God, he just wants to go and lick it up, he wants all of him, he wants everything. He sinks his teeth into the well of Callum’s shoulder where it meets his throat again and Callum pants hard, his whole body shaking, at war with itself trying to keep down the loud cries and moans Ben loves to hear.

Ben almost feels sorry for him and he kisses over the spot now rimmed with the outline of his own teeth to soothe it before meeting his gaze once more in the mirror. He lifts one hand to Callum’s face, briefly holding him by the jaw before pushing his first two fingers into his open mouth. Callum swallows hard around them and sucks as if on instinct.

“Fuck, you’re such a dream.”

He tugs hard on his nipple and Callum moans around his fingers and the muffled sound of it goes straight through Ben settling hot in his belly. Fuck, he needs to get his boy a gag.

“Stroke yourself, _slowly_.”

Callum nods, fucking nods like the good boy he is and takes his hand away from Ben’s side, his hand he’d got so used to, he’d forgotten it was there but the cold its absence leaves on his skin makes him shuffle even closer to press harder against Callum’s back.

Ben is unrelenting, the wet slide of Callum’s tongue against his fingers and the occasional jolt of pain when he bites down trying to swallow around them driving him wild so that he forgets any thought of tenderness as he tugs at Callum’s nipple, slapping the sensitive skin around it, fingernails sinking in hard to his soft flesh.

The image of Callum, eyes fixed on himself, his mouth opened by Ben’s fingers, his own hand firm around his dick, it’s obscene, it’s beautiful and then a long trail of drool rolls over his swollen bottom lip and down his chin and Ben can’t take it anymore, slipping his aching dick against Callum’s arse.

He gently, gently draws his fingers free and Callum watches the movement with eyes heavy lidded. 

“Want me to fuck you?”

“Yeah, God, yeah. Yes.”

Ben wants to crack a joke, _Save some of that for when I’m actually inside ya_ but he can’t fucking speak, his throat is so tight. 

He shifts to work his spit slick fingers against Callum’s hole and the way he lurches means Ben has to wrap his arm around his waist to steady him for fear he might topple off the bed. But Callum, fallen backwards and heavy against Ben’s shoulder is also a liability, if Ben can’t take his weight, he’ll end up hurting him. He hates to break him from his reverie but he has no choice. 

Ben drops his hand and pats his chest to get his attention. “Babe, come here, you need to lean forward a bit.”

With firm hands, Ben pushes Callum down and he comes to rest with one big hand planted on the wall and the other gripping the edge of the bed, those strong thighs keeping him from falling.

A pang of guilt sinks heavy in Ben’s chest when he realises he’s going to have to leave him like this to retrieve the lube and he kisses between his shoulder blades in silent apology before pulling away and rolling to the other side of the bed. 

There are five varieties of lube in his nightstand and he almost chuckles at the absurdity of it, that cars and lube are the two things he’s ever sat down and researched but he knows he’s just delaying the inevitable. He snags a bottle and turns over and fuck, the vision in front of him is so beautiful, too beautiful for a sinner like him. Callum, a slight tremble running all through him, kneeling there like an animal, tension all through his outstretched arm, the veins dark and raised, his fingers turning white where they’re pressed against the wall. 

He doesn’t deserve this but then again, life’s not fair.

He crawls along the bed towards him and with a little lube, works one finger inside of him, chewing on his bottom lip to suppress the smile that blooms on his face when Callum sighs with relief. It’s not long before he’s able to push a second finger in, scissoring them and stretching him out, Callum’s soft groans fog up the mirror and blur his face from view as he begins fucking himself on Ben’s fingers. 

Ben leans past him and wipes away the condensation. "Look how much you love it, look how much you want my cock inside you. It's beautiful, how much you want it. You're so open, so good."

Callum lifts his face and stares at himself, the barest hint of a smile forming before it’s wiped clean by Ben pressing deeper and finding that bright spot that makes him gasp, the look on his face bringing Ben’s own need bubbling to the surface. Fuck, he wants him, he needs him.

Another dribble of lube and then Ben is settling behind him, one hand hooked over his shoulder and the other going around Callum’s middle once he’s pushed inside, the tightness and friction nearly bringing him crashing down against Callum’s back until he remembers how precarious this is. Once he’s inside, almost all the way, he brings Callum back to kneeling - slowly, carefully. 

Ben wraps his arms around him and they’re so close, so close there’s not a breath between them, burning up, sweat turned scalding. There’s hardly any room to thrust but every movement feels so intense anyway and when Callum grinds against him, he sees stars. 

He doesn’t want to move his hands, he can feel Callum’s heartbeat under his palm but when he looks into the mirror he’s mesmerised by the stream of precum drooling from the tip of his dick and he never was able to resist touching something he wanted.

Ben takes his dick in his hand and rolls his foreskin up and watches as it breaks the long string of precum and it rolls down his fist but then he’s torn; he doesn’t want to let go but he so desperately wants a taste. He lifts his hand to lick it clean and Callum whines at the loss of sensation. Fuck he loves his salt against his tongue. He watches himself in the mirror; animal, hungry. 

With the tip of his finger he traces the vein that runs along the side of Callum’s dick and feels him tighten, eyes fixed on Ben’s hand. 

“Fuck you’ve got the most beautiful dick I’ve ever seen, d’you know that?”

Callum flushes red and bites back a smile. 

“Don’t hold back, you’ve got such a pretty smile. And,” he repeats himself, this time in a low, dirty tone, “the most beautiful dick I’ve ever seen.”

Callum smiles broadly and Ben wishes he could kiss his dimples but he has to settle for knowing he brought them out.

“D’you see yourself?”

Callum rolls his body and fuck it feels incredible, the slide of skin on skin. 

Ben smooths his hands all over, he really is the most gorgeous man, so big and strong yet still so soft and he could feel him up all night and it still wouldn’t be enough. He loves seeing his own hands on that body, call him a narcissist but it pulls at something deep within, he feels proud and powerful too. Red lines follow Ben’s fingernails as he drags them over Callum’s skin, tender with the heat.

“I’m yours,” Callum sighs and at first Ben can’t believe he said it but he did, he did. Unbidden he said what Ben was longing to hear.

He circles his bellybutton and bumps his knuckles over his ribs, he wants to touch him everywhere, he pulls back just to push in again and Callum jerks and twists, swallowing down his moans, in a way that makes the tendons on his neck stand out.

Callum reaches back and seizes hold of him, pushing down as far as he can and growling low in his throat and fuck. Ben’s eyes snap up and he sees Callum, teeth gritted, rocking himself with a look of sheer determination. 

“You wanna come, huh?”

He nods and upon seeing himself nod he grunts, turned on by his own need and fuck if that isn’t the hottest thing. 

Ben snakes his hand along Callum’s body to his throat, lifting his face with rough fingers under his jaw. Then he closes his hand around his thick neck, squeezing just enough to make Callum’s eyes roll back. Ben reaches around him and fists his dick, slow and then fast, using that twist he likes.

“Look at yourself,” he orders and Callum obeys, eyes snapping open and going wide when he sees himself, the way his body is moving for him, glistening with sweat, the tendons popping on his neck and a steady stream of precum falling onto the duvet.

“Take over for me,” Ben growls and moves his hand back to his nipple, amused slightly by how fast Callum grabs hold of his dick, stroking hard and fast.

It’s not enough to get Ben off, he’s not even close, he’s flooded with warm waves of pleasure, occasional jolts that fill him up but Callum is about to go over with him nowhere near and he doesn’t want to be so far away from him.

Reluctantly Ben lets go of his throat to yank Callum’s hand away from his side and guide him to grip the edge of the bed again. Ben locks eyes with him in the mirror then seizes a fistful of his hair and pushes him forwards with the weight of his body. 

This new angle means Ben is able to thrust harder and he does, he misses the heat of Callum against him but it feels good, so fucking good that he can go without it, just for a few minutes. He watches himself in the mirror, towering over Callum who is hunched over and looking up from under his hair that has fallen around his face, eyes blown and huge. Callum’s arms are shaking; a white knuckle grip on the edge of the bed and his other hand tucked under his stomach and wrapped around his dick. 

He swallows a moan that comes out in a loud hiccup and lifts himself up a little, slowing Ben’s thrusts, pulling him back from the edge but he can’t resent him for it, not when he feels him tighten and watches as his muscles tense. 

“Come on, baby, come for me,” Ben whispers and he does as if on command, he spills hot over his own fist and he doesn’t look away from himself, not once, not even for a second.

Ben’s never seen him come so much, a steady stream rolling down the side of the bed until he’s twitching and making myriad small sounds that Ben reckons he has no control over. 

“Good boy, let it all out,” Ben soothes as he loosens his grip on his hair to card through it instead and loops his arm around his chest to hold him up. 

Ben forgives him when he shuts his eyes but is filled with pride when he fights them open again and sees himself ride out the last wave. When he starts to squirm and the blissed out expression on his face sours to a grimace, Ben pulls out carefully and keeps hold of him as he falls sideways against the wall, breathing hard. Once he’s certain that he’s not about to fall on his face, Ben steadies himself with one foot on the floor and a knee still on the bed and starts stroking fast, quickly getting out of control now, desperate to come. 

He watches Callum watching him, slumped against the wall, slack jawed and eyes glazed over. He could turn around and catch the live show but he stares at the image of Ben in the mirror and licks his lips, his fingers curling at his sides as if he couldn’t just reach out and touch him if he wanted to. 

But he’s no voyeur, he wants to watch Ben watching him, he wants to be seen like this blissed out, well fucked, too tired to do anything but watch as Ben fists his dick, faster and faster, and grits his teeth as he comes, hitting the mirror with the first three shots, Callum shaken from his reverie and turning then, moaning at the sight of it.

"God Ben.."

"Made you look." Ben’s speech is pleasure slurred, fuck he comes hard when he’s got eyes on him. 

When he tries to stand up, he stumbles backwards and only just manages to right himself against the chest of drawers. Normally he’d care about looking stupid but Callum is in the process of untangling his legs and trying to lie down. He manages it, eventually, landing with a thud on his back with his head on the pillow, a fairly flawless maneuver all in all.

Ben goes to him and covers him with the duvet, his legs so wobbly he can barely stand but he doesn’t want him to be cold. Crawling over his boyfriend takes all his effort but snuggling against him takes none at all and he inhales him, wrapping his arms around him and holding on tight.

“Fuck that was.. that was something. Are you okay?”

Silence.

Ben’s heart starts to race and he scrambles around trying to find somewhere to plant his hand so he can haul himself up and when he does he looks down on Callum’s face, his eyes are closed and his lips are slightly parted. 

“Already?! You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

He shakes Callum’s shoulder and he grumbles in his sleep.

"You’re fucking lucky you're cute, d'you know that?"

Nothing. 

Ben watches him for a while, he’s out cold, snoring within a minute of falling asleep and showing no signs of waking up even after a good hour has passed, most of which Ben spent alternating between watching him and snuggling against him. Not that he minds, there are worse ways to pass the time.

When Callum wakes it’s only because Ian bellows, “No, Mum!” like a fucking child down the stairs. Luckily though Callum isn’t startled and he opens his eyes slowly and smiles when he sees Ben watching him.

“You okay?”

“Mm.. I just closed my eyes for a sec,” he looks around him, confused.

“More like three thousand six hundred seconds, babe.” 

“What?”

“An hour,” Ben clarifies, stifling a laugh. 

“Until what?”

Ben chuckles and kisses his cheek. “You were out for an hour babe but it don’t matter. Are you okay? After what we did?”

“I’m just worried about Lola’s mirror, I should’ve stepped in or moved it or--”

“Callum. Answer the question.”

He takes a deep, deep breath before he speaks. “I err.. I don’t wanna sound big headed but it was really hot. I wouldn’t mind doing it again, ‘specially round mine in the bigger bed.”

Ben gasps in faux shock, “Blimey Highway, you’ve got this all figured out, don’t ya?” Callum’s skin starts to heat. “Mm.. I’ll have to think of a pretty scene, give you a real nice view.”

“You sure you ain’t bored?”

It’s so jarring that it wipes the smile off Ben’s face and the thoughts from his mind.

“You trying to tell me that was boring?” He tries to make his voice sound light but it isn’t, he feels like he’s drowning on dry land.

“No, of course I ain’t. It was..” his eyes flit up to the ceiling. “It… ugh don’t be upset.”

I’ll try. “I won’t.” 

“I dunno why but that was the hardest I’ve ever.. I didn’t know..” He covers his face with his hands.

“Highway, are you trying to tell me that was the hardest you’ve ever come and ask me if I was bored all in the same breath? You get that makes no fucking sense, right?”

Callum nods, face still hidden. 

“I ain’t bored and you ain’t neither. Let’s get some food already, I’m bloody starving.”

Callum slowly uncovers his face with a sly smile. “You’re a genius, you know that?”

“What? For rolling a mirror in here?”

“You have a beautiful mind, Ben Mitchell.”

Ben smacks his chest and crawls over him to put on his dressing gown, fishing Callum’s clothes up off the floor and throwing them at him. 

“That’s enough outta you.”

Callum ducks his head and sucks on his bottom lip, a huge smile threatening that he apparently decides to keep to himself.

Ben knows he promised a takeaway but it’s late now and the grumble in his stomach is telling him that forty minutes is far too long to wait for food so they sneak downstairs to the now dark and empty kitchen and Ben closes the door before turning on the light.

“I’ll have to see if there’s anything in the fridge,” he opens the door with a flourish, “Oh yeah.”

Callum ducks his head. “I may have got a bit carried away but I’m excited, ain’t I?”

“So’s Lexi.”

Ben hopes he doesn’t suspect an implicit _but I’m not_. 

“I want it to be special.”

“I know,” Ben goes to him and takes him in his arms, “You’re a good guy, Callum. Now, food. Toasties okay?”

Callum nods and leans down to kiss Ben on the top of his head and he has to stop himself from dancing across the kitchen when he turns around to sort their dinner. He makes two ham and cheese toasties while they talk quietly about nothing which ends in them making plans to go to the cinema tomorrow night to see some film Callum’s been dying to see. He wants to do something just for Callum so saying yes to this makes him feel better, better than he’s felt all day.

They eat standing up, leaning against cabinets and Ben decides there’s no point in trying to keep his eyes off Callum, he should know from tonight that he can’t.

Callum starts the tap running and sets about washing their plates when they’re done and Ben wants to tell him he doesn’t have to but the thing is, Callum already knows, he just likes helping out and looking after people. The thought floods Ben with so much love that he hugs Callum’s back the entire time he’s washing up, arms tight around his waist and Callum stands for a minute or two after he’s finished, swaying gently in Ben’s embrace.

It’s not that late but they’re both tired or at least both ready to just fall into bed in each other’s arms so they wordlessly decide to get ready for bed.

Ben should be used to it by now, standing under the bright light of the bathroom but he isn’t, it still makes his stomach flip. Callum makes him stand outside while he pees which Ben can’t help but find completely fucking adorable. They clean up and brush their teeth and Ben changes out of his contacts while Callum keeps watch and then they head back to bed, stripping each other naked and slipping under the covers.

Callum rubs Ben’s back as he takes out his hearing aid and wraps his arm around his waist as Ben sets an early alarm and then they settle down. There isn’t an absence of words, there’s no need for them. It’s perfect, or it should be.

Time ticks on, the house is quiet, peaceful. Callum is snoring softly, a gentle rumble that soothes Ben like a child listening to white noise. He’s never felt so good, so sated and so quietly, sweetly happy. 

But he starts to wonder why. This is all he wants in the whole world, just this, this silent night. Were it daytime he might long for the thrill of a job but he’s getting complacent, all these nights, all these perfect nights are changing him, making him feel like he could live off this feeling alone. And it doesn’t matter whether he’s right about that because he’s feeling it all the same and fuck he never thought he’d feel like this.

He let it all happen so quickly too and there was still more to come. And he wanted it, all of it, whatever it was. 

He starts to feel uneasy, itchy. He lifts Callum’s arm and slips out of bed and into his dressing gown, picking up his phone on his way out into the hall. It’s dark and silent, there isn’t even the low drone of Bobby’s TV which means everyone’s asleep, everyone but him.

He shuffles downstairs in the dark and sits by the window to send a text.

_Ben [11.16pm]: got any collections tomorrow night?_

He parts the curtains and flicks open the blind to look out onto the empty street. His phone buzzes.

_Tubbs [11.23pm]: no rest for the wicked_

He rolls his eyes, that’s his line.

_Ben [11.24pm]: i’m coming with_

_Tubbs [11.24pm]: whats this quality control?_

_Ben [11.25pm]: call it what you want dont want you forgetting whos in charge_

_Tubbs [11.25pm]: this more than a collection…? thought you was seeing that bfg_

_Ben [11.25pm]: i am and it ain’t_

_Ben [11.26pm]: and dont call him that_

_Tubbs [11.28pm]: touchy_

_Tubbs [11.28pm]: yeah whatever. pick me up at 8._

Ben sighs and leans his forehead against the cold glass. There’s no way Callum can be upset about him having to work and cancelling their plans when he’s seen him every day for the past - his breath catches in his throat, he doesn’t want to count the days.

It’s not that spending time with Callum isn’t enough, it’s that it’s too much. Addicted, he’s addicted to his touch, to his taste, to the sounds he makes, his smile, the way he sleeps. He could do this forever, just this. But there is no such thing as forever and to give up his reputation, his living, all the things that numb the pain for something that will kill him when he loses it, he can’t do it, he just can't. He was fucking stupid to think otherwise.

And he's letting Callum get addicted to him, finding a connection beyond words, talking about Ben like he's the answer to everything. He's done this to him. He's led him down this path. If anything happens now it's on him. Not if, when. When something happens. 

He roots his cigarettes and lighter out of his jacket pocket and goes to the back door to smoke. It’s silent; the house, the Square, everywhere but inside his own head and he wants to fucking scream just to shatter it. The first drag fills his lungs and makes him warm but it isn’t enough, the cigarette burns down and does nothing for him, nothing’s enough, nothing, nothing but--

“Ben?”

He jumps hard and turns to see Callum in his boxers and jumper sleepily rubbing his eyes.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he offers by way of explanation although he knows it’s lame.

“I woke up, bed was cold without ya. Are you coming back?”

“In a bit.”

Callum reaches out then crosses his arms, Ben has a way of making himself untouchable but he never wanted to be like this with him. 

“Do you want me to go? It’s a small bed and I should really get my suit and…” he trails off.

Does he want Callum to go? 

Yes. It should be yes. 

No. 

No. He's weak and he wants to be held. It’s more than that but admitting that to himself would just make this even harder than it already is.

“Come on,” he throws the cigarette butt out into the yard. Something for Ian to moan about tomorrow. But tomorrow is another day. He'll be better tomorrow, stronger. “Let’s head back up.”

Callum opens his mouth to speak but seems to change his mind. Ben had hoped he’d dodged the question, found a way to make Callum think he’d said yes. Because the person he used to be would be asleep right now in the arms of the man he loves. And the man he is now can’t give definites and doesn’t want to break Callum’s good heart with the truth. 

Ben leads the way upstairs with Callum trailing behind and hesitates inside the door of his room unsure about taking off his dressing gown, suddenly the thought of being naked feels too vulnerable. Callum follows behind, sidestepping through the small gap Ben left for him having closed the door mostly over then shuts it behind him and turns the lock.

Ben looks around, confused, there’s no need to turn the lock, unless--

Callum cups his face and walks him the few steps backwards into the wall, pushing him against it with a thud and looking at him, just for the briefest of seconds before leaning in and kissing him. 

Ben hears himself moan, he can’t deny he loves being kissed. Kissing is one thing, a good thing, but being kissed is another. He lifts onto his tip toes and tilts back his head and lets Callum take anything, everything, his tongue in his mouth, biting at his bottom lip, one hand at his jaw and the other coming to rest at his waist, his fingers digging in deep as the kiss goes on. 

At first, Ben forgets his hands and finds he has them balled into fists at his sides. When his brain kicks back into gear he lifts them, one at Callum’s side, the other at his throat, almost a perfect mirror image of the other. 

When Callum breaks the kiss it’s to gasp for air, lips swollen and shining in the moonlight coming through the half open curtains. He keeps holding Ben up, like he’s not done with him yet. It thrills him.

He leans back in and Ben’s mind goes blank. The scrape of his stubble, the crush of his big body all of it making him lose himself and then he feels Callum hard against him and his heart starts to race like this is new. 

Both grip harder, both kiss harder, both fall deeper.

When Callum steps back, Ben remains on the balls of his feet just long enough to look him in the eye before he drops and Callum follows his gaze, staring at him like he’s seeing something ineffable.

Ben reaches for the belt of his robe and Callum slips off his shorts and as Ben shrugs his dressing gown off onto the floor, Callum drops his jumper at his feet.

They reach out at the same moment and twin smiles spread across both their faces. Hands over each other’s hearts, palms flat, it’s as if Callum’s quickening heartbeat is his own, one in the same. Their hands move, spirit guided planchettes over skin, so familiar, more so even than their own skin. Ben watches his hand move and feels it on his own flesh, Callum’s body under his palm belongs to him, the electricity of his touch is his too. 

Fingers creep over the tender skin of his throat and are welcomed with soft sighs, hands close around and grip, not painful, not comfortable either but belonging to that in between space they’ve been living in since the day they met. So they stand, hands around each other’s throat, staring, _watching_.

Either could crush or could let go but it’s too late for that now. It’s past midnight so they’re safe, it’s past midnight so it’s just them in the whole world. This is a trust fall but nobody’s falling. 

Ben lifts his thumb to caress the line of Callum’s jaw and hears the scratch of his own stubble in his ear as Callum does the same. God, he wants to kiss him, just the thought brings them moving closer, hands letting go their grip to settle at the nape so they can pull and grab until they’re joined together again, the first brush of Callum’s lips making the moonlight shine brighter than the midday sun. 

Neither of them makes the first move towards the bed or they both do but either way Ben finds himself on top of Callum, tangled up with him, hands everywhere. Callum takes his wrist and guides him to between his legs and he’s forced to break the spell to find the lube, they both reach out at the same time but Ben snags it first, dribbling some on his fingers and biting back a laugh when Callum takes his wrist again, he’s hungry for this again, already. They both are.

It doesn’t take much before Callum is arching his back and Ben is leaning over him and they meet with a kiss, swallowing each other’s moans as Ben pushes deep inside him. Ben goes to pin Callum’s wrists but locks their fingers instead as Callum entwines their legs together and they move or their bodies move for them, Ben looking down at Callum looking up. 

For once he doesn’t have to wonder what Callum is seeing because he’s too wrapped up in looking.

Callum rocks his hips to meet Ben’s thrusts and when his vision goes blurry, he realises his glasses are fogging from his boyfriend’s hot breath. But he doesn’t need to see, he just needs to feel now. He rests his forehead against Callum’s and lets their bodies find a rhythm. The bed creaks beneath them and their harsh breaths fill the gaps in between until it’s anything but silent, until it’s nothing but them.

Hands crush, legs slip, their chests press and Callum finds release against Ben’s belly as Ben finds his own deep inside of him, both at the exact same moment. Ben lifts his head as Callum rests his back on the pillow and they watch each other, amazed. 

_Looking at you is like looking in a mirror, except I like what I see._

They’re too exhausted to clean up, too overwhelmed for words. Ben looks down at Callum, in awe of him, of _them_. Callum reaches up to stroke his hair as Ben smooths over his eyebrow and they both smile. Silent reassurances are passed through touch and soft looks that say they’re both okay, both present, sated now and content. They watch each other for the longest time until their eyes grow heavy and then Ben comes to rest against Callum’s chest.

Whatever happened tonight, last night, all of it right from the beginning, none of it can be erased or forgotten only denied. Denial would be useless tonight when they’d just seen each other completely, together and apart. 

And what they are together, it’s beautiful. It’s magical. 

Callum mumbles a final goodnight and with that Ben’s mind goes quiet. Callum is at peace so he is too. He echoes Callum’s goodnight and sinks down into a deep, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and thank you for the lovely comments on the last chapter! Your words give me the guts to keep writing and posting and I just appreciate yous all so much.
> 
> And thank you to benshighwaytoheaven for reminding me of a moment in an earlier chapter where Ben thought about bringing a full length mirror into play - that was a great suggestion!
> 
> The line "lost thing intoxicated" is from 'Drown' by The Golden Palominos and 'Looking at you is like looking in a mirror except I like what I see' is from an A Softer World comic (no. 1057).
> 
> Oh and I got the dates wrong on the last few chapters just in case anyone noticed those had been changed.


	20. 13th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's plan for the night is simple, do a collection with Tubbs and go home, alone. But the night takes a turn when he can't get Callum out of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late, I moved house AGAIN! Also I can't drive so dont get on me about the gears!! 
> 
> **Warnings** :
> 
> This is the Bad Ben chapter! Ben corners Lola during an argument although she doesn't feel threatened and there's some fairly graphic violence towards a customer when Tubbs and Ben make their collection, if you want to skip that scene read up to 'Tubbs cracks his neck. Ben leaves the engine running.' and then skip to 'He should feel big but he doesn't.' All you need to know is that they get their money.
> 
> Aside from that there's objectification of Martin, some hints to a past history between Ben and Tubbs and car sex and the usual self loathing.
> 
> Let me know if I need to add any other warnings.

_**13th November 2019, 7.20pm** _

Ben hovers his thumb over the send button. In less than half an hour Callum will be waiting by the back door so he needs to pull the trigger on this shit now. 

_Ben [7.21pm] Hey babe I know it’s late notice but I have to work tonight x_

That’s it, done, sorted. 

He looks at it again. He stares at his own words until they start to come apart and swim in his vision. No sorry because he’s a fucking coward. 

He could have sworn he'd said "sorry". 

Something feels wrong, really wrong. Maybe it’s guilt but it feels more toxic than that. 

There’s something noxious in his veins. 

Ben had been woken up by an incessant squeaking and found Callum polishing Lola’s mirror with such intensity it shook his entire body. He managed to distract him with the offer of shower sex which turned into the most incredible half hour he’d had in a long time. The steam had risen cumulus around them as Callum crowded him and pinned him against the cubicle wall, making him come on his tiptoes without a care for who might hear.

It felt easy, it felt like them. 

But downstairs in the kitchen the wait for Lexi became interminable. Callum had happily prepared breakfast, whistling to himself as he worked to make the most beautiful pancakes with all kinds of toppings that Ben had ever seen. Of course he made Lexi promise to eat something green for dinner after all that sugar and later when they waved her goodbye at the school gates, he did so with a huge smile on his face. And the whole time Ben felt sick, like he’d done something wrong, something _terrible_.

But it made him feel certain that he'd made the right decision to cancel their plans tonight. 

Tonight he was going to remind himself who he was, who he really was and who always would be. 

A reply pops up and he hates that Callum will think he was sitting waiting for a reply. But he was, whether he’s willing to admit it or not.

_Callum [7.24pm] That’s okay! The movie only just came out! Drop by mine when you’re done if you want x_

Does he always have to be so fucking nice? Of course it’s fine, of course he doesn’t mind, of course he’s still hoping to see his boyfriend tonight anyway. 

Ben throws his phone and it buzzes on the sofa as it lands. He picks it up like a live grenade and brings the screen to life. 

_Callum [7.25pm] Don’t matter what time you get done you can just ring me when you get to mine x_

There’s nothing he can say to that so he says nothing. There’s no way to explain that he won’t be seeing him, that he’s going to be strong for once, for both of them. This is for the best and it should be easy. 

Lola laughs loud enough to be heard all the way downstairs. It pisses him off to hear her so free and happy but then he realises she's with their daughter like he should be. Bile rises in his throat and burns like battery acid when he swallows it. Even without trying, even just sitting on the fucking sofa he’s letting people down, people he loves.

He follows Lola's laughter and finds her on her knees by Lexi's bed. Two blonde heads pressed together, both smiling, both full of love. He feels unclean just looking at them. 

“Daddy!” Lexi throws off the duvet and tries to go to him but Lola wraps an arm around her and keeps her in place.

“You had your story already, Princess?”

Lexi nods and his heart sinks, a simple text shouldn’t have taken him so long to write, he should have been with her. 

Normally she’d suggest that he read her another or continue one of the stories he makes up just for her but she looks thoughtful. Lola shifts out of the way so Ben can go to her and he does, falling cross legged on the floor beside her.

He can't bear to touch her face so he twists a long strand of her yellow hair around his fingers instead. 

“Did Callum really like his card?”

He swallows thickly and it doesn't do a thing to shift whatever's stuck in his throat. “Yeah, baby, he loved it. He went and put it up in his flat before work.”

“Where?”

“On the fireplace so everyone can see.” Her face lights up, a beacon in the dark. But the dark is Ben's place and he can't risk being drawn into the bright star of her love. Not now. Not tonight. “I gotta go to work, I--”

She cuts him off. “You ain’t seeing Callum?”

“Not tonight.”

“Is that why you’re sad?”

There’s a beat where he thinks he might bolt from the room or else fall to the floor but neither happens. 

Nothing happens. 

He looks at her and she looks into him and waits. 

He doesn’t know what to say. This isn’t meant to be obvious for everyone to see, for her to see. 

“I ain’t sad,” it comes out as a whisper because the truth is so loud, so break-his-ribs big that there isn’t room for anything else. 

Lexi sits up to stroke his cheek with such tenderness it makes him gasp. Sometimes she reaches through years with her small hands and cups his seven year old face and they look at each other, two children. He doesn't know how she does it. 

“It’s okay to be sad.”

The little prophet who sees everything, forwards and backwards, all of it, everything and with perfect clarity. He should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to hide from her, not after this morning.

“I.. I have to work. I love you.”

She lays back down and watches as he kisses her palms. “I love you too.”

His legs don't work when he tries to stand, he has to roll himself and grab hold of the bed frame to haul himself up. The walk out of the room, five steps at most, feels like the furthest he’s ever gone. 

In a daze, he wanders into the living room and collects up his phone, pushing it into his back pocket not wanting to catch sight of it, not the message and definitely not his kindness.

“What kind of work?”

He startles and turns to find Lola in the doorway.

“None of your business.”

“Errr.. yes, it is. We have a child, if you’re--”

He rushes her, quick on his feet. She tries to move out of the way but forgets the doorpost and finds herself trapped.

“I said it’s none of your business. Thought I was the one who was a bit deaf. Or are you just fucking stupid?”

Instead of looking scared she peers at him, tilting her head like she’s trying to understand. “What the fuck, Ben?”

"I didn't mean--"

She shoves him backwards with both hands on his chest. "You need to sort your head out."

He brushes past her and pulls on his boots and jacket, it seems to take forever and yet she doesn't budge, he can feel her eyes on him, flitting from his hands to his face, not missing a trick.

"Don't wait up."

Lola shakes her head in a way that feels less like disapproval and more like concern and he wants to tell her she's got it all wrong, he's good tonight, he's strong, calm. He's thinking clearly for the first time in a long time.

But he doesn't say anything. It’s easier to believe if he doesn’t have to hear himself say it. 

Outside is cold, cold enough that he drops the keys to the car lot in the dirt with numb fingers as he tries to unlock the door. But when he picks up the keys for the gorgeous car that came in today, he's filled with fire. God, how he had dreamt of this car and how his heart leapt when he saw it come up at auction. He always told himself that one day he’d drive out of this fucking place in a car like this. 

Only now he can’t shake the image of Callum in the passenger seat. 

Fuck, he really needs to cut the shit and focus on the night ahead. He takes a moment before he pulls away to breathe in the smell of leather and to feel the power beneath him and it feels good, damn fucking good. He turns the radio up loud and then speeds off into the night. 

He pulls up outside a nondescript block of flats in Stepney Green at 8.03pm, kills the engine and trains his eyes on his former cellmate's front door. A few minutes later the door is thrown open and Tubbs emerges in a bright rectangle of orange light. He looks downwards to the car park and scans for a car he doesn't recognise and his gaze falls on Ben's in a matter of seconds. The kind of hypervigilance learned the hard way in prison can't easily be turned off.

A woman follows Tubbs out and he turns and kisses her before disappearing inside the building to take the stairs down while she lights a cigarette and looks up towards the sky. Ben wants to ask her if she knows his real name, if she knows the things he's done, the good as well as the bad, the way Callum knows him. 

A sharp pain in his hand reverberates along his arm and flashes behind his eyes and he looks down, confused, at where he apparently smacked the steering wheel - hard and fast - before he even knew what he was doing. He mutters a string of obscenities to himself and shakes out his hand. Maybe it was some kind of subconscious aversion therapy to try and rid himself of the sentimentality he’s all but wrapped himself in these past few weeks. It might have hurt but he doesn’t care so long as it works.

Movement catches his eyes and he turns to see Tubbs sauntering over to him and zipping up his fly as he walks. He's grateful for him in a way he can't put into words especially as that cocky grin spreads across his face. 

He slips in through the passenger door, immediately getting stuck, neck bent to fit under the ceiling and knees wedged against the dash. Ben can't help but laugh at the sight of him. 

"Fuck's sake, fucking short arse." 

He runs the seat back as far as it'll go and flips down the mirror to check his hair. 

"Looking a bit flat on top.." Ben reaches for Tubbs and he dodges him, only barely laughing. 

"Like I'd let you near my hair."

He ruffles Ben's hair in a way that feels more affectionate than playful so he starts the engine and crawls along to the edge of the estate. 

"Where we headed?"

"Canning Town."

 _Fucking hell_. “Of course we are.”

Ben drives ten over the limit and Tubbs eventually does his belt, a jab at Ben's driving which he ignores. 

Tubbs drums his long fingers against the dashboard and Ben is just about to tell him to fucking pack it in when he speaks. 

"Your boy not getting the job done no more?"

Ben nearly veers the car into the wall of the underpass they’re driving through. "The fuck are you asking me that for?"

"Cos you're here with me."

"We don't need to spend every fucking night together."

"You know that ain't what I meant." 

Ben glances over to look at his face but he's turned towards the window. He doesn’t want to push it because that’ll only lead to a conversation he doesn’t want to have, not least with fucking Tubbs but truthfully he has no fucking idea what he _meant_.

They pull up outside a two up two down house with Christmas decorations already lit up outside. It’s been a while since he did any shit like this and adrenaline starts flooding his veins, replacing the heavy poison that was making him sick until he feels strong and quick. It’s already working.

Tubbs cracks his neck. Ben leaves the engine running. 

As they get out of the car a huge man, almost as tall as the doorframe, steps out into the front yard.

“Yous lot are the scum of the earth!” The man, their oh so unhappy customer, shouts, spraying saliva, practically foaming at the mouth. 

He's riled and ready for a fight. Well so are they. 

Ben laughs loud and claps his hands in delight as Tubbs squares up behind him. Fuck he loves this bit. 

A neighbour parts her curtain to see what’s going on and quickly ducks out of sight when Ben looks at her. The thought of her cowering beneath the windowsill makes him feel ten feet tall. 

He strolls towards their customer with a smile on his face. “ _We_ are merely providing a service and _you_ agreed to the terms.” 

“Terms!” The man scoffs. “I was desperate, I had no idea what I was signing. The interest yous charge, you’ve no conscience!”

Ben clutches his chest. "Am I supposed to loan you the money out of the goodness of my heart?”

A look crosses the man’s face, dawning realisation mixed with revulsion. “You. You’re in charge. You’re the devil. Preying on innocent folk to line your own pockets. How do you sleep at night?"

"Mm... I tend to find I can't keep my eyes open after I've fucked my boyfriend's brains out."

The man is stunned into silence, his face contorted with disgust and for a brief moment it stops Ben dead.

These are the faces Ben never forgets. He sees his father in them. He sees Stella and Martin and… truth is he sees everyone. Everyone who's ever loved him or was supposed to. They all see his true self in the end. 

But not Callum, not yet. Ben sees his beautiful face before his eyes; soft, glowing, imploring, _You are a good person, Ben_. 

"You're disgusting, you're an animal!"

“Sticks and stones." Ben retorts.

It wasn't an invitation but it was a mistake. A fist swings at his face but it's clumsy, thrown in blind rage and Ben dodges it. Just. 

He chuckles when the bloke stumbles from the unspent force of it. 

"Pay up! You made a deal with the devil and he's come to collect."

The man pats his jacket. Ahh. Rookie mistake. It’s shocking how many people have such blatant tells that they never learn to hide. There's a bulge over his heart. The bastard has the money, he's just hoping to get out of paying the interest by making Ben feel, what? Guilty? He’s had enough of that already. 

But this will be fun. 

"Alright, alright. I’ll hear you out. Go ahead! Break my wooden heart.” He gets close enough to be heard at a whisper. “ _Make me cry_."

The man staggers backwards. He looks between Ben and Tubbs with horror etched into his face and then spits at them both, sputum splattering against Tubbs' leather jacket. 

"Ya filthy fucking animal!" Tubbs yells as he lurches forwards and sucker punches the bloke in the stomach. 

Ben watches it happen in slow motion. His huge fist. A soft belly. The sound is not of the hit but of the air being forced out of his lungs, a sickening wheeze. Ben doesn't move a muscle. 

He wouldn't have done that. Probably. He didn't do it. But that’s only a technicality. 

Money flies out of the bloke's jacket. It reminds Ben of an arcade game, penny in, jackpot out. Fist in..

Tubbs claps his hands and Ben is snapped back to the moment. 

"That's right, cough up!" Tubbs yells and Ben watches as he stoops to collect up the cash. 

The bloke coughs and winces, half bent over in agony, his face illuminated cartoon red in the twinkling Christmas lights. 

“It would seem that you don't feel like talking. Your loss. You ain't my type anyway. But that leaves us with no other option than to do this the hard way." He turns to Tubbs and clears his throat. "Show the nice man what the hard way looks like."

Tubbs raises his massive fist and even Ben's blood runs cold. He knows this will work and they'll be driving away in a minute or two and sure enough the bloke hands over the rest of the cash with shaking hands. 

Predictable. Pathetic. _Understandable_. 

They’re done here. It’s over. 

"Now then,” Ben says, low, his voice velvet, “we will be counting every note, if I find that even one single solitary fiver is missing…" he leans in close enough to feel the heat rising off the man's face. "I'll be back with a few of my less friendly associates."

Ben turns and walks back towards the car and it’s almost too late when he notices the way Tubbs’s eyes go wide but he spins around on the ball of his foot, dance moves trumping fight moves just as the bloke swings his arm.

He misses Ben’s face but clips him on the side of the head with all four knuckles. 

A wild ringing blasts through Ben's head. 

The bloke throws another hit and misses, just. He's on the backfoot because he's so angry so Ben takes a chance and brings his knee up into the soft between the man's legs. 

He thinks he sees the man fall but it's hard to tell when the world is on a tilt. They have to get out of here, this was a mistake. He hates this grunt work, it turns his stomach. 

He should hand Tubbs the keys but this is his fucking mess. 

He clambers into the driver’s seat and presses the ignition, pulling away with barely a glance at the road and they’re flying. Relying on muscle memory is the reason he's still alive, not just tonight. 

Tubbs twists round to stare over his shoulder so Ben looks up into the rearview mirror to see what he’s looking at, not wanting to admit to him that he can’t hear anything he might be saying. 

He sees a lad, no older than Bobby running after the car with a pipe. Ben thinks of him hiding away inside until it was too late to be of any use to anyone and shame washes over him as if he were the one cowering in the shadows. Because he is. He should be holding Callum’s hands through the trailers right now, doing one nice fucking thing for the loveliest man he knows.

He should feel big but he doesn't.

He feels nothing. Adrenaline zips through him like an electric current with no outlet until it burns. 

There’s just nothing, nothing but pain and the sting of sweat.  
  
Everything but being with _him_ just feels wrong. 

Ben drives to the speed limit on the short ride back to Stepney Green, the ringing in his ears disorientating enough to preclude him from taking any risks. Tubbs doesn't seem to say anything, he just looks out the window. Ben reckons that if he has any more collections tonight he'll do them himself or swing into town to pick up Martin. 

Something sickly creeps through his veins, overtaking him until he doesn't even recognise he own hands on the steering wheel. 

At least he knows he can rely on Tubbs not to dissect what just happened. Fuck. What just happened?

Pulling into the same parking space as before should feel familiar at the very least but it’s as if everything has shifted and nothing, nothing is the same. There's a beat when neither of them do anything, even breathe which means Tubbs feels it too, whatever it is. 

Ben looks down and sees his thighs trembling. He's shaking uncontrollably. It's not nerves, it's everything that he's trying to keep in, trying to come out. In bed with Callum it feels different, this shake in his bones feels like surrender to something infinite. At first it scared him but now he likes it because it's proof of what they do to each other. Callum passed out, Ben shaken to the bone. They ruin each other in all the most beautiful ways. And afterwards, when the shaking has stopped, the boy still somewhere small inside him can finally get some rest. There’s no rest to be found here tonight.

Tubbs says something that Ben doesn't catch and when Ben turns to see his face, he switches on a light to illuminate the interior of the car before he repeats himself. 

"I'm gonna call it a night. I got something sweet waiting for me upstairs."

Ben nods. Something sweet. It sounds simple, maybe he wishes he could say the same. 

"Things were easier before."

"No, they weren't. I was there, remember?"

"What's wrong with me, Charlie?" Fuck. He _feels_ his voice come out so small and young, it makes his chest ache and his throat thick. He didn't mean to say it but he says a lot of things he doesn't mean to.

"Don’t start with that. There ain’t nothing wrong with ya, it's the world that's fucked.” He closes his eyes. “And don't call me Charlie, not unless you mean it."

So they’re back here, just like that. 

Ben knows that if he just leans in and closes the gap that Tubbs will kiss him whatever way he wants it. He’ll take him somewhere and put his hands all over him and inside of him. He knows that if he just leans in now, he could destroy all the misplaced trust Callum has for him and ruin them once and for all, beyond repair. Callum would be free to find someone good. He’d be safe. 

God, he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to taste another man, he doesn’t want some meaningless kiss, he doesn’t want to break another heart even if it’s his own. But it feels like it’s the right thing to do, the selfless thing. 

Tubbs shakes his head.

“You have to go.” It’s not a question.

“No,” Ben whispers, “I want to.”

A meaningless kiss. A raw and dirty fuck bent over in the dark. Adrenaline and bruised knuckles. Blood on the ground. Sweat rising as steam in the cold. The crack of bone against bone. All the things that made him feel alive now paled in comparison to the things that made him feel like he was living. Soft, slow kisses, fucking was a revelation with _him_ ; power in his veins and lips bitten cherry red, sweat slick bodies, the slap of skin on skin, choirs of angels and the deep ache of relief.

Ben tries to think of some common ground between him and the man beside him that won’t spark a conversation he doesn’t want to have.

"How's it working out with Martin?" 

Tubbs grins and Ben instantly feels himself start to relax, the pins and needles in his limbs softening to static. 

"Ahhh good old Martin Fowler. He's single, ain't he?"

Ben scoffs, "Yeah and straight"

"Nah, man would love a taste, I can smell it on him."

Ben rolls his eyes but he can’t deny he loves this shit. "A ton says it never happens."

"Like I'd tell you if it did." he rubs his thighs "I dunno if I wanna bend him over or--"

"Oh stop!"

"Like you ain't thought about."

Ben bites back a smile. "All that pent up testosterone, I reckon he fucks like a beast."

Tubbs clicks his tongue, "Yeah, fuck. He hits like one, he's got that anger in him. Mm."

Ben buries his face in his hands, fuck, it's nice just talking shit, no pressure. And objectifying Martin will never not be funny. 

"What about your boy?

 _Fuck_. 

Ben fiddles with the hem of his coat. "What about him?"

"I say his name and you start turning inside out."

"You ain't said--"

" _Callum_." Tubbs draws out every last syllable of his name.

Ben squirms despite himself and Tubbs laughs loud. "He's fit, I get it. Them thighs."

"Yeah he's spoken for,” Ben snaps, he can’t help it. The thought of Callum with another man makes him seethe with jealousy.

"I seen how he looked my way, he's got a type, yeah? Likes ‘em mean?" Tubbs licks his lips and lowers his voice, "Likes it rough..."

"I don't kiss and tell,” Ben tries to keep his voice light but he's gonna ram his face into the dashboard if he doesn't stop soon. 

"Nah you don't need to, I can see it all over your face. He's got what you need"

That catches him off guard. There's no accusation, no judgement, no mocking, all those hushed late night conversations inside have left the mark of intimacy on their relationship even if it's strictly business now. 

And God, Ben wants to share, wants to tell someone about this man of his. 

"Yeah. I er.. I ain't ever had it so good."

“Lucky you.” Ben can feel a blush creeping up his neck. "Wanna come up? Sort the money?"

"I ain't leaving this car here"

"Yeah that's fair."

"I'll come by tomorrow, if you need your cut now I can--"

"Don’t with that, you know I'm good.” Tubbs chews on his bottom lip, lost in thought for a moment. “Bring that boy of yours when you come by tomorrow, if you want."

Ben raises an eyebrow. “You what?”

"The two of you, you're always welcome." He slaps Ben's thigh hard enough to make him wince and climbs out, swaggering away without so much as backwards glance. 

Ben can’t contain his smile, not at the invitation but his words, there’s something about hearing _the two of you_ that makes his heart race. 

The drive back to Walford is soothing, most likely because he takes a few wrong turns to drag the journey out to give himself time. Not time to think but time to just be, to just exist. He’s nothing but a man driving along familiar roads on a rainy November night. When he turns onto the Square, it’s with an empty head. He’s done thinking about things. 

There’s a parking space a bit down the street from the parlour and he shoves the money from his coat into the glovebox as fast as he can, wanting to be done with all that and knocks back a couple of painkillers for the dull thud in his head before walking the short distance to Callum’s flat.

Callum said to call but it’s not late, it’s still before 10pm and he can’t bring himself to think of something to say. He presses the buzzer and leans against the wall to wait, suddenly overcome with exhaustion. 

A faint, tinny voice comes from the speaker on the wall. "Yeah?" Stuart. 

Fuck. He stands up straight.

"It's Ben."

He thinks he hears Stuart say, "Course it is." and then the door gives way.

Inside the foyer is dark and he welcomes the momentary peace, deciding to wait for Callum to come down to avoid having to see his brother but that plan immediately goes to shit when Stuart unlocks the bottom door and steps into Ben’s space.

"Thought you'd cancelled on him?"

Ben bellows Callum's name and he appears, radiant, at the top of the stairs, his hair is soft around his face and he's wearing the grey jogging bottoms he sometimes sleeps in with a cosy jumper and big white socks. A smile blooms on his face and he mouths Ben's name. All Ben wants to do, all he wants to do in the whole world is crawl towards him on hands and knees and fall into his arms to snuggle against his broad chest. 

But Stuart is blocking the way and it’s too early in the night for that just yet so he calls out to him instead.

"We're going for a drive, come on, get your shoes on.”

Stuart takes a step closer to Ben, so close now that they’d be touching if Ben wasn’t holding himself in. "Erm... you can't just demand--"

"Stu.." Callum says, his voice full of warning. Stuart turns and Callum shakes his head before disappearing out of sight to get ready. 

Stuart takes a few steps back into the dark but Ben can see he looks embarrassed, like he knows he just meddled in something intimate.

"Gonna brush me teeth!" Callum yells. 

"I'll be outside. Don't be long!" Ben shouts back and then makes eye contact with Stuart. "If that's okay with you?"

"I'm just looking out for my little brother."

"Believe me, he ain't so little."

Stuart growls, teeth bared. He’s a guard dog on a short leash these days so Ben just laughs and goes to wait for his boyfriend out on the street. 

Callum appears a few minutes later looking shy, head dipped and a rosy glow evident under the street light. He's thrown on his bomber and trainers but he's still in those grey jogging bottoms that leave nothing to the imagination just as Ben hoped he would be. Ben stares at him then points down the street towards the car. 

"Walk ahead of me."

Callum blinks then gets it. He walks slow, practically fucking sashaying down the street to allow Ben to really drink him in. Fuck he's gorgeous.

Ben deliberately throws the car keys onto the ground and stifles a laugh when the clatter makes Callum jump slightly. 

"Oops! Butter fingers!" 

Callum turns around and Ben makes sure to catch his eye so he's watching him carefully as he speaks. 

"Pick ‘em up for me."

Callum licks his lips, he knows this game and it seems he wants to play. He bends over and grabs the keys then pretends to drop them again and bounces his arse as he leans down slowly to retrieve them. 

When he straightens up, he must think he's just going to hand over the keys because he squeaks in surprise when Ben shoves him into the nearest wall and kisses him harshly, all teeth and fevered breath. But he kisses back until it's something different, a sweet devouring like the eating of the first perfectly ripe apricot in summer. Only Callum could do this, pinned and held down but still able to bring out every star in the sky with just his tongue and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. 

When Ben steps back, Callum is half hard with nowhere to hide in his grey joggers but the street is empty so he doesn't try to hide, he just ducks his head to hide his shy smile and stuffs his hands in his pockets to lift the heavy fabric and give himself some relief and fuck Ben just wants to push him into the closest dark corner and fall to his knees but it’s starting to rain and Callum is already opening the passenger door. 

Callum shrugs off his jacket and stretches out, the seat still pushed back from when Tubbs occupied it and Ben's heart sinks as his eyes go straight to a few notes sticking out of the glovebox. His mind starts racing for an answer, a likely story, some half truth for when Callum asks. But when he does, his question is so unexpected that he has to say it twice. 

"Miss me at work?"

Relief floods through Ben's entire body all the way down to his toes. He has no idea. Thank fuck he has no idea. 

Ben grabs a fistful of jumper and yanks him in for another kiss and this time Callum moans loudly into his mouth because finally, finally it's just them. Just them in all the world. And Ben may be weak but how come this is the most powerful he’s felt all night.

Ben breaks the kiss because suddenly he wants to get the fuck out of this place and Callum seems to understand because he goes to put his belt on, moving so quickly it sticks three times before he manages to click it into place. 

Ben pulls away fast, fast enough to raise a dirty growl from the engine that goes straight through the centre of him. Callum grips his thigh, his fingers move higher the faster he goes. They're flying, invincible, infinite in this moment. 

Ben knocks Callum's hand onto the gear shift and reaches over to squeeze between his legs before he can protest. 

"Third," Ben barks and Callum shifts the stick along. 

He slows down, matching the speed limit as they hit a busy part of town and notices the way Callum glances at people out on the street as he moans softly in time with Ben's hand. 

Palming along Callum's length and feeling him grow painfully hard in his hand turns Ben's mind to mush.

It takes seeing a red glow reflected on the surface water of the road to make him look up and notice the traffic light ahead of him and slam on the brakes. 

Both of them jolt forwards with a grunt and Callum gulps in lungfuls of air and thrusts his hips up into Ben's hand, turned on no doubt by the shock. 

Ben quickly frees his dick through the opening in the front of his boxers, spits in his palm and returns his hand under Callum’s waistband, jacking his dick still concealed inside his joggers. Callum glances over to the car in the next lane and a moan escapes his lips as Ben strokes him. 

His fully hard dick is tenting the fabric and Ben can't tear his gaze away. The light turns green as a patch of precum blooms through the fabric and he inwardly curses having to keep an eye on the road.

Callum groans loud and rolls his hips, pushing his dick into the tight heat of Ben's fist. His jogging bottoms are ruined, if Ben pushed him out of the car now he’d be utterly humiliated. He’s vulnerable. Ben strokes him faster and Callum stares down between his legs, occasionally glancing at passing cars and people on the street. Maybe he’s hoping they can’t see, maybe he doesn’t care. 

Ben stops at another red light and Callum starts to snap his hips, his hand gripping the gear shift so tightly that his knuckles are turning white.

“I’m gonna… I’m gonna come, Ben.” 

Ben yanks his hand away and snaps his waistband for good measure. “No, you’re not. Not yet.”

He whines and rests his head against the window, shuffling uncomfortably in his seat. His dick looks obscenely huge tenting the front of his jogging bottoms.

"Fuck, we’ve gotta find somewhere to pull over."

Callum takes his hand off the gear shift to grab a fistful of Ben's coat. "Please."

"Wanna ride that beautiful cock."

Callum whimpers and tightens his grip.

"You wanna fuck me, Callum, hm?"

"Yeah… yes… here… _anywhere_."

Ben would laugh at the shake in his voice but it doesn't seem so funny when he’s barely holding back from pulling the wheel and crawling over to him like an animal in heat. The rain falls more heavily, suddenly. Even the windscreen wipers on full can't keep the windows clear. If he stopped the car they'd be enveloped, the rain a shroud for them to give into each other. The heavens have opened as a gift to them, Ben knows in his bones that this is right, he doesn't dare question it. 

"We're nearly there, babe."

Ben pulls into a mostly empty car park and kills the engine in the furthest, darkest corner. Callum doesn't ask why he knows this spot by heart, maybe he gets it, maybe he doesn't care. All the nameless, faceless men who came before provided cheap thrills and nothing compares to the real thing so it doesn’t matter anyway.

This is real. Not a fantasy, not a throwaway. 

Both of them keep their eyes straight, staring at their own reflections in the black of the windshield. It's only when Ben sees himself looking back that he realises the rain has slowed. So much for the heavens smiling on a sinner like him. He should have known. 

But it means he hears the hitch in Callum's breath instead in the silence after the storm and that too is a blessing. 

No signs, no fate, just them. Just this. 

A jolt of adrenaline fires along his spine. The air smells of leather and sex. He turns to Callum sitting with his legs spread as wide as he can get them and one hand gripping the roof handle. If he thinks about how big he looks or the dark splash of precum, he won't be able to control himself. 

But someone has to make the first move. 

Anticipation hangs in the air like heat and it burns their lungs to breathe it in, kisses are oxygen masks and maybe both of them want to feel what it’s like to inch a little closer to oblivion before they’re saved tonight. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Ben sees Callum lift himself up to arch his back and then he says it, the one thing, the only thing that would ever make Ben fold first.

"Ben…"

Without a glance or a word, Ben jumps out of the car and hears Callum hurrying to catch him up. Ben hits the backseat first, the leather is cold but it won’t be for long. He pushes the driver and passenger seats as far forward as they'll go to give them some extra space as Callum slides in next to him. In a frenzy Ben kicks off a boot and yanks down his jeans, getting them off one foot, there's no time for anything else.

Before he can so much as catch his breath, Callum reaches for him and drags him into his lap with clawing, eager hands that hurt and heal all at once. 

“Nobody’ll see cos of my coat."

Callum nods and shucks down his jogging bottoms, there’s no way he’d be able to ease his hard dick back through the opening in his boxers but there’s no need for that anyway. 

The fabric looks beautiful tight around the base of it and Ben runs his finger along his length admiringly then looks up into Callum's eyes. "Want you." 

"Need you."

 _Fuck_. 

Ben fumbles in his coat for a sachet of lube and dribbles it over his fingers. Callum takes a hold of him around his waist to keep him steady and watches with eyes blown dark as Ben works his two fingers inside himself.

Neither of them are getting what they want, Ben's own hand feels like a blunt weapon but he keeps his eyes on the prize. It's not long before he loses his patience. Callum is big but he can take him. There isn't much he can't take. 

First he wipes off his fingers on a tissue and the mundanity of it enrages him, he wants to be lost already, he wants this, he wants _him_.

He reaches into his coat again and holds up a wrapper. "Condom, I err.. I dunno if I'm..." he lowers his voice, "If I'm clean. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I don’t care, just want you."

Ben bites his lip. Callum's words, _just want you_ , they make his heart race.

“I’ll do the honours.” 

Callum licks his lips and lets his head fall back for what's coming. Ben rolls the condom on slow just for the way it makes Callum hiss. 

Having Callum's big heavy dick in his hand makes Ben feel powerful, it's better than if it were his, it isn't God given, he owns it. He rips open another packet of lube and watches as it drips obscene down latex.

He can’t hold back any longer. He's ravenous, a hungry dog who just smelled meat. He falls forward and sinks his teeth into Callum's throat and those hands around his waist turn greedy too, yanking at him.

Callum pushes his hips up as Ben bears down and Ben's head drops to his shoulder at the first stretch. He stares amazed at the indent of his own teeth in Callum's flesh as he comes open and apart, the burning inside him so close to pain that it makes his skin prickle and spark. 

"Ah...ah...fuck… fuck.. God, Ben…" He lifts his face and Callum cups it. "You feel so fucking tight."

"Don't stop."

Callum parts Ben's lips with his thumb and slips it into his mouth. "Couldn't."

Ben tastes his skin on his tongue, feels his fingers curl behind his neck, his other hand still roams his body, looking for somewhere to come to rest but there's nowhere to be found.

There's no calm tonight. 

Ben rolls his hips and sinks lower, sucking on Callum's thumb, overloading his senses until his vision goes blurry. There's nothing keeping them apart after that, no he ends here and I begin. Just perfect communion. 

Years, so many years of hunger and he's finally full up on the edge of a car park in Hackney. 

When he hits bottom, Callum yells out loud enough to shake the night and loose a few stars. Loud enough to snap Ben's vision back into focus and find himself looking at the face of an angel. 

Ben clumsily grasps a fistful of his hair to bring him closer, wanting, needing to see his face. And Callum looks back at him, into him. He drags his thumb out of Ben's mouth and tugs on his bottom lip, rolling it between his fingers like he's teasing himself, holding onto what he wants until it singes his fingertips. 

And when he can't take it anymore he drags Ben down for a kiss, his teeth taking the place of his fingers, biting and sucking on Ben's bottom lip as he snaps his hips. Ben grabs his shoulder to try and hold on as pleasure bangs through his bones. God the way he fucks, he's like a wild animal who finally got the door of its cage open.

A passing car lights them up in orange and red and Callum breaks the kiss to watch it go, his eyes flashing bright and dangerous, one big hand going to Ben's hip to hold him steady as he fucks up into him, not missing a beat. 

"Why is it...ah.. fuck... why is it so much better when you know someone might see?"

Ben tightens his grip in his hair to get Callum to look at him. "Even if that someone is yourself?"

A smile creeps over Callum's face. 

"I don't care who sees, _I_ want to see you. The way you move.."

Ben doesn't get it but then Callum is pushing his coat off his shoulders and opening the three buttons of his polo shirt and then pushing it up his chest. 

"Look at you.." 

Callum appears transfixed by the shake in his belly as he thrusts into him. It's an out of body experience. He watches himself; held, fucked, adored. Mercifully it starts to rain again. A few drops quickly turns into a hard and steady downpour and the world disappears. 

There's a clatter of voices and car doors slamming but they won't see Ben being seen. Being discovered. 

Callum smooths his hands up Ben's legs, his thumbs tickling his inner thighs, his hands so close that Ben can feel the power in them makes his dick twitch and drool precum. 

"Touch me," he gasps.

"Soon."

Callum moves his thumbs in circles on the tender skin between his legs and Ben feels it _everywhere_ , guts twisting, head spinning. 

He doesn't stop, fingers dancing over Ben's skin up to his ribs which makes him squirm and seize up which Callum seems to like, torturing Ben with his touch, rolling his head back but still watching him from under dark lashes.

The car creaks beneath them as they move, both working hard to keep up, neither sure who set the pace only that they can't slow down, not now. 

Ben slips his hands under Callum's jumper and holds onto the soft flesh of his chest as he rides. Callum pushes into his touch. Ben knows what he wants and he asks for it by way of a truce; he grasps hold of Ben's dick and strokes fast and Ben for his part catches the peak of Callum's nipple between his fingers and pinches, tugs, twists until the hand that was still holding his waist hits the ceiling of the car as he arches his back, stretching himself out as offering. 

Someone parks up nearby and lights the car in a soft orange hue through the sheets of rain. 

Callum whispers a soft, "Hey" as he drops his hand from the ceiling to between Ben's legs. With the lightest touch he tickles his balls and follows the seam of them with his fingertips. "You like that?"

Ben breathes out a shaky, "Yeah." He knows it's the last word he's going to manage to speak. 

Pleasure builds molten hot and metallic, so thick, so good he can taste it on his tongue and feel it in the base of his spine and in the small bones of his wrist. 

Callum anchors his feet on the seats in front of him and pushes up and up and up until Ben feels like he's floating, like he's about to burst through the roof of the car, untethered. 

And then Callum takes his hands away and he hears himself whimper, not out of frustration but from the loss of him. He watches as Callum slides up his jumper as far as it'll go and then he's being gathered into his arms and held close against his chest. 

Callum clutches his back, Ben couldn't move if he wanted to but he doesn't want to. He buries his face in Callum's neck and God, the smell of him, his heat. He can't work out where his hands are or Callum’s, his dick is pressed against Callum's stomach and it feels as if he's surrounded and filled up with pleasure. 

He clings to his boyfriend as he comes and feels him swell inside him and knows he's right there with him. Callum hugs tighter like he knows they won't break. Ben hears them both loud, not caring if they can be heard over the rain. And it’s good, so good, Ben comes in thick ropes against Callum’s body, every shot hitting him like a fist. Every ounce of adrenaline finally finds its way out.

Everything is changed as they still and start to come down. Ben shakes so hard that even Callum's strong embrace can't quell it. He shakes so hard his teeth chatter. Callum rubs his back and whispers soothing little nothings to him, shushing him like you would a child. 

After a few minutes have passed, he starts to regain some control and Callum helps to lift him up, dealing with the condom and wrapping it in a tissue before bringing Ben back against his chest. 

"You with me?"

His voice is so soft it nearly makes Ben cry. "Yeah. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Bit mind blown."

Ben shifts and Callum helps him move onto his lap and then retrieves his coat from the floor to cover them both up. In the back of his mind he knows he should feel mortified but he just feels safe and warm. 

The rain slows and Ben feels a pang of disappointment. He's not ready for the world. Not yet. 

"Can't believe that's three times we've done it outside now."

Ben chuckles and nestles deeper into Callum's chest. "Car don't count."

"About ten people have walked past, Ben."

"Alright, alright, won't happen again, promise."

"I never said that."

Ben tilts his face to look up at him. "Blimey Highway, who knew you were an exhibitionist!"

"I ain't! I just don't have any self control when it comes to you, do I?"

"Understandable."

Callum taps him on the side of the head and stays there to card his fingers through his hair. It’s bliss, nothing short of heaven on earth. Ben feels himself start to drift towards something akin to sleep but which feels far more final and much more sweet.

If he doesn't do something, they'll end up staying here all night or maybe forever. 

Ben makes the first move, shifting onto the seat to pull his clothes back into place and Callum copies him. Ben pops open the door to give himself more space to shimmy his jeans up but the blast of cold air makes them both wince. 

Reality is right outside. Reality is a car park in Hackney and the truth about tonight and the endless pain of becoming someone who can't exist in his world. He slams the door shut.

"I err.. this was fun but--"

"How was work? Were you with Tubbs?"

Ben turns to him but his face has disappeared into shadow. It stings, him asking about another man after _that_.

"Yeah I was with Tubbs. He thinks you're fit too. Actually, he says me and you are welcome round his any night." 

"Wait, for.. for drinks or?"

"Or…"

There's a long pause and then Callum starts choking on his own spit. "Oh! Really? He didn't say that, did he?"

Ben chuckles. "He's just naughty, don't let it make you uncomfortable."

"I ain't. Uncomfortable, I mean. He really thinks I’m fit?”

That jealousy starts to bubble up again. The thought of losing his boyfriend to _Tubbs_ would have sounded like a joke to him yesterday. 

“Yeah, cos you are. You saw yourself last night, right? Those thighs, that perfect cock, your face when you come--"

“Stop, Ben!”

“The way you fucking drip for me when I..” he snakes a hand under Callum's jumper.

Callum grabs his wrist and holds it still while he thinks. "What did you say?"

"Hm?" 

“To Charlie?”

 _Charlie_. 

"You fancy 'im, don't ya? You're thinking about it!"

Callum leans over Ben to open the door, illuminating the interior of the car then turns to look him in the eye. "No, I don't. And I ain't thinking about it. I'm asking if you're thinking about it."

“Of course I ain't, I'm not looking anywhere but at you." Ben leans forward and brushes their lips together, sealing it with a tender kiss. But he can't leave it alone. "You have a type though, don’t ya?”

“What?”

“Me, _Charlie_. Everybody likes a bad boy but you, you crave ‘em.”

Callum slams the door closed and leans back in his seat. “I like that you can handle yourself, I like the attitude.”

"Say it.”

“Alright, I like bad boys.” He laughs but Ben doesn't, it’s stupid but his heart races anyway. It ignites a spark of hope.

“You like the danger, you took my coat off.”

"Can’t really deny it, can I?" Callum sighs. 

“You see me.”

“You see me too.”

“Me and you, we’re like mirror images, ain’t we? I look at you and I see-- I see everything I’m not.”

There it's been said. Ben considers reaching for the door again and going but Callum says something so quiet, he nearly misses it. 

"Yeah, me too.”

The world tilts on its axis and Ben wants to slap his hand over Callum's mouth when he starts to speak again. 

“I thought it was easier before; before _this_. Us. I thought I could hide forever and be alright. But it wasn’t alright. I was just barely surviving, I see that now. This morning was so easy. Everything I thought I'd never have and you, Ben, you make it happen and it's easy and fun. And suddenly I ain't just surviving anymore, I'm alive."

Ben cups his face and kisses him deep and slow. He can't say, me too, not when the punchline is _and it's why we won't work out_. Because happiness like that can't last, not for a Mitchell, not for Ben. 

"Where were you tonight?"

Ben scratches his stubble. "We had a.. a collection. Down your neck of the woods actually."

"Canning Town?"

"Yeah. Proper shithole, innit?"

Callum doesn’t take the bait. "And how'd it go?"

"Bloke clipped me round the ear." Callum reaches out in the dark and touches Ben's ear. "I'm okay. Some people don't like giving it up, even when it's owed."

"Can't relate."

Ben laughs, properly laughs and for a second he feels full of hope again. 

A bang on the window makes them both jump and then a torch is being shined on them, bright enough that they can't see anything. 

Callum leans forward and locks the doors then rolls down the window a few inches. 

The man with the torch bellows, “Move it along!" in a way that tells Ben he isn't a cop and he's too uncomfortable to be a threat. 

But that doesn't mean he won't call the pigs. 

Callum laughs, "Alright, calm down. We was just going anyway.”

He gets out of the car with his jacket held over his crotch. Ben follows him cautiously out the same door. 

The bloke jumps out of Callum's way as he walks round the car, he has such an air of confidence that even Ben hangs back. 

He watches, awestruck as Callum opens the driver's side. 

"I'm driving."

Ben nods, too stunned to speak. 

Callum makes the seat upright and pushes it back to accommodate his taller frame. He calls goodnight to the guy Ben now sees is some kind of warden probably employed to stop people fucking in local car parks. Poor bastard. 

He watches as Callum rests his big hands on the steering wheel and feels a thrill race through him as they start to move.   
  
“Where are we going?"

"For a drive." 

Ben snuggles down and turns to face Callum. For the first time he realises something so obvious the thought makes him laugh; there are two of them in this relationship. This is Callum's to ruin too. Just because he wouldn't, couldn't - that doesn't matter because it also means something else is true, too. 

"You free tomorrow night?" Ben asks. 

"For you? Yeah."

"You wanna take me to the cinema?"

Callum flashes him a smile then turns a random corner, following the lights to nowhere in particular. 

"Yeah, let's make it the one in Mile End so we're close to home if we err.. get the urge." Ben laughs and reaches out to rub his thigh just because he misses touching him. "We can get dinner first, Nandos or something."

It all feels so ordinary, like a conversation anyone might have.

"Yeah alright. What time you picking me up?"

"I'll look up times when we get in." Ben catches it, it makes his heart swell. "If you're staying, that is."

"Yeah. I'm staying."

Callum drums the steering wheel and whoops. "Great!"

Ben takes off his belt and leans over to kiss his cheek and swears he can see him turning red even in the flickering street lights. 

He clicks his belt back into place and turns to look out the window. He doesn't recognise the street, they're not in his manor anymore. For a brief moment he tries to spot a street name, any point of reference, any clue. 

But it doesn't matter. There are two of them here, he doesn’t need to know where they’re headed.

And when he takes Callum's hand, he doesn't even care. Because wherever they’re going, they’re going together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 20! Thank you so much if you're still reading this weird little comfort fic of mine! I really appreciate all the beautiful comments so far, I honestly get so anxious about posting but your words help so much and all of yous who've said something nice are the reason we've made it to chapter 20. 
> 
> I know this chapter is heavy but I promise you the next one is pure fluff and smut which yes of course includes Ben feeling Callum up in the cinema 😇
> 
> Thanks for reading! x


	21. 14th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas in November.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🌟 **UPDATE 29.12.2020** 🌟 I edited this chapter quite significantly, the content hasn't changed at all, I've just added more detail and hopefully tidied it up/improved it. x
> 
> ///
> 
> This was really just my way of putting out some Christmas-y content, I hope it's not too bittersweet all things considered.
> 
>  **Warnings** : Undertones of homophobia eg. they don't feel safe to hold hands in public, touching each other up in public (the cinema in the back row where nobody else sees) light bondage (wrists tied with tie), edging and mild D/s dynamics.

**_ 14th November 2019, 6.56pm _ **

Ben never thought he’d feel like he was walking three inches above the ground on Mile End Road of all places but this evening, making his way from the tube station with Callum, he feels lighter than he has in a long time. 

Every time their arms bump it sends tingles all up and down his spine and even though he twists his mouth and chews on his bottom lip, he can’t suppress the huge smile that’s forming on his face. All they’re doing is walking down the street and he’s feeling like a giddy teenager.

When they get to Nando's, Callum holds the door open and says, “After you,” with a flourish that tells Ben he’s pleased with himself and he’s just as excited about their date as he apparently is.

Fucking _Nando's_ feels like heaven on earth tonight because this, _this_ is the shit normal people do and Ben didn’t think life had any more of that in store for him. But here they are, sliding into opposite benches of a booth like any other boyfriends.

Callum’s cheeks are candy apple red from the cold wind and Ben wants to cup his face to warm him up and tell him he’s gorgeous but all he can do here in public is gaze, so he does, he takes him in because he can. Because Callum is his. 

Callum turns all shy and ducks his head but sneaks a look back at Ben from under his dark lashes as if he doesn’t know what a beautiful tease he is.

“Enough of that, you. Here,” Ben slides a menu over to Callum who snatches it up, clearly pretending to read while he continues to sneak glances at Ben. 

“I already know what I want.”

There’s an opportunity there to mess with him and Ben takes it. “Callum! Control yourself, there are kids here.”

Callum kicks him under the table. “I _meant_ , I want a chicken burger.”

“Way to make a boy feel special, thought you was gonna say you wanted to--.” 

“Ben, control yourself, there are kids here.”

Their smiles could light up the restaurant brighter than the fluorescent lights. Ben feels Callum’s foot against his and then he lifts it to run along the inside of his leg, Ben opens up for him and gasps as Callum nudges against his crotch with the toe of his trainer, all the while looking as innocent as a rosy cheeked cherub. Heat creeps up Ben’s neck and he can feel his face turning red so for once, he folds first and busies himself with taking off his coat. But Callum is watching him with the softest expression and he feels like he’s floating again.

“Right, chicken burger and chips for me. Plain.”

Callum’s brow knits in confusion. “I thought you’d be an extra hot man.”

There’s no innuendo behind his words, which only makes it funnier so Ben leans in to explain in all earnestness, “Yeah well, what I’ve got planned for when we get in and spicy foods don’t mix.”

It takes a second for the penny to drop and then Callum jumps in his seat like it just hit him on the back of the head. “Oh! I’ll er… I’ll ask ‘em for _extra_ plain in that case.”

“Mm.. I like the sound of that.”Callum rolls his eyes and starts to slip out of the booth so Ben grabs his sleeve. “Walk slow.”

Callum tuts but Ben sees the way he arches his back as he slips off his jacket and rolls his hips as he meanders over to the counter he watches enrapt only for him to quickly turn around and belt back towards the booth. “Forgot to look at the table number, didn’t I?”

Ben belly laughs so loud that a few people turn but before the rage he usually feels has a chance to bubble up, Callum squeezes his shoulder and offers him a soft smile instead and Ben quiets, Callum’s hand an anchor. 

When he walks back to the counter, he flashes Ben his best smile over his shoulder and it feels like one of those tiny moments that he'll never forget. 

He stares at Callum’s back as he orders until his vision goes blurry. So many feelings slam against his chest with frantic beating wings until his head is full of stupid fucking thoughts and things he wishes he could say like, _you’re like a pill crushed up in my food that makes me feel better despite myself_.

It makes him jump when Callum appears beside him holding two glasses. “Drink?”

“Coke, no ice. And hurry up, Highway, I’m thirsty.”

“Coming right up, _sir_.”

Watching him go again soothes him briefly. There he is, his man.. dispensing ice into both glasses and then shaking his head and ditching the ice out of Ben’s. God. That’s him, that’s so him that Ben buries his face in his hands overcome with affection for him. There’s just something so endearing about everything he does, something that fills Ben to the brim with that _I could just eat you up_ feeling that makes him want to launch himself across the restaurant and kiss him in front of everyone.

When he comes back with the drinks, Ben takes a sip and wishes he’d asked for ice after all because he’s burning up just looking at him. 

"Look at us, out on a date. Like, _out_ out.” Callum grins.

“I am proud of you, Callum.” 

For a moment, Ben regrets the words when he sees the stunned look on Callum’s face but then he nods, solemn and quiet and whispers, “Thank you,” so quietly that Ben has to read his lips. And he gets it. He gets it so much that it hurts.

He reaches across the table and takes Callum’s hand in his and rubs his thumb over his knuckles, “It’s the truth.”

More than anything he wants to lean over and kiss him but he kisses the air instead and Callum reciprocates.

“Any chance of us bumping into your brother tonight?”

Callum shakes out a napkin and puts it on his lap like he needs time to formulate whatever he’s about to say. “Maybe. I hope not. Is that bad?”

“Course it ain’t. Nothing you think or do is bad, Callum, you are the best person I know.” Callum ducks his head but Ben can see he’s smiling. “What movie we seeing then?”

“You’ll find out later.”

Ben balls up a napkin and chucks it at him. “You’re such a tease.”

“Thought you liked that about me.”

Fuck. He _knows_ , he knows his power. It lights a fuse at the base of Ben’s spine. He moves to reach over to him when the waitress appears with their plates.

Now comes the challenge of trying to eat with all these butterflies in his stomach.

It’s a thrill just to watch him eat, that in itself has him melting but when Callum presses his knee into his under the table, it’s like everyone and everything else in the room disappears into thin air. The overly cheerful music, the kids talking too loud, the smell of cooking, the bright lights – it all dims and it’s just them and it is soft and quiet and lovely. It’s everything Ben swore he didn’t want and now he can’t eat he’s so happy. 

The bob of his Adam’s apple when he takes a drink, the way he licks his lips, how small the glass looks in his big hand, everything about him is a fucking dream come true.

Last night plays before Ben’s eyes, how they left the car back at the lot and he dragged Callum inside, the way they fell onto the couch, the taste of salt skin and then Callum, laying him down, taking him over, filling him up. 

“What’re you thinking about?” 

Callum’s voice cuts through to him and he tells him like it’s obvious, because it should be. “You.”

Ben takes a too big bite of his burger hoping to fill the yearning hole in his belly that longs for Callum’s touch. He’s glad he doesn’t know how full of shit he makes him feel. They chat a bit as they eat, about everything and nothing because they’re good at that too, because it all comes easy when Ben lets it. 

When they’re done, Callum helps Ben into his coat, straightening it on his shoulders and trailing his hand down his back and fuck, he wants to kiss him more than anything, he just wishes they could be kissing right now or holding at least. Never before has he been so desperate just to fall into someone’s arms.

Outside, the cold air comes as a shock and they press together as they walk and Ben wonders if they’re really fooling anyone.

"I'd hold your hand if it was safe,” Callum says just loud enough for Ben to hear.

"I know.” He worries he's said it too fast but when he looks up, Callum is beaming.

When they arrive at the Genesis Cinema, Callum once again opens the door with a flourish and insists on paying for the cinema tickets as well as dinner, which Ben would protest if he didn’t find it so damn romantic.

“Wait here while I get the tickets.”Callum says, positioning Ben in the corner of the foyer, even checking over his shoulder to make sure Ben hasn’t moved. Whatever this film is, Ben knows it means a lot to him for some reason and that alone makes him bristle with anticipation.

When he returns from the counter he presents the tickets in the palms of his outstretched hands.

Ben looks at them. _Last Christmas_.

He looks up into Callum’s face to try and understand. "A Christmas movie?"

"Yeah.”He tucks them into his pocket and rubs the back of his neck. “I know it's still November but I've never done this, have I? Been with someone at Christmas."

Oh. It’s like ice water down Ben’s back. 

"What about Whitney?"

Callum looks up at the ceiling. "Yeah. I actually meant I ain’t ever been with somebody I... I.."

 _Shit_. “Nah, it’s alright. I get ya.”

Callum looks down into Ben’s eyes with the softest smile playing on his lips, so soft that Ben can’t bear it for more than a few seconds.

“Right then, I’ll buy the popcorn and drinks, it’s only fair.” 

Ben starts to walk and Callum follows behind.

“Sweet?” Callum calls after him.

Ben turns on his heel and Callum nearly walks into him but manages to stop himself just in time.

“Is there any other kind?” Ben asks.

It doesn’t really mean anything but here they are, barely a whisper between them and fuck, Ben wants to kiss him. Callum walks him backwards and he hopes it’s into the nearest wall to press him into it and leave him breathless but then he spins him and leads the way to the counter. They’re practically dancing, their bodies so in sync even fully clothed.

At the concessions stand, Callum stands behind him, close for Ben to feel his heat as he orders.

Ben’s legs are jelly as they walk to the screen and he watches in awe as Callum chats to the person checking tickets when he can barely remember his own name anymore.

He’s almost relieved when Callum suggests taking turns to go pee so someone can be holding the food because he’s not sure he could stop himself from shoving his boyfriend into the nearest cubicle and locking the door. 

Callum goes first and points to Ben from the door. "Don't eat any of that!"

"I won't!"

Once he’s out of sight, Ben leans forward and eats a big mouthful of popcorn right out of the tub. Christmas is weeks off. He wants to tell him that he can’t promise anything, that he doesn’t know what’s to come or what he’ll do to fuck it all up by then. He might fuck it all up tonight. He leans in for another mouthful of popcorn, anything to try and distract himself.

Callum walks straight for him and snatches the tub of his hands. "You're an animal!”

A flash of last night hits Ben with the force of a freight train.

That sickening wheeze. The red face of the man bent double.

The fucking mess of it all. 

He takes a shaky step back. "I was only kidding,” Callum says softly, reaching for him across the divide.

“I know, I--” Ben points to the toilets and walks off without a backward glance. Relief hits him when the door swings closed and he’s alone. If Callum knew the truth about last night this would all be over now never mind Christmas.

He stops at the mirror and a Mitchell stares back, rounded shoulders and fists balled up. He has his father’s soft jaw and mean mouth. 

But then he thinks of Callum waiting for him and he sees his face instead, those dimples and that sunshine smile and he starts to rush, suddenly desperate to be out of the scrutiny of the bright lights and back in his soft focus gaze. 

It takes his breath away when he spots Callum wandering along the corridor, his tall, gorgeous man. And when he stops, his face is illuminated angelic by the backlit movie poster he's looking at and in that moment Ben believes that this will last, that he could tell him everything and be forgiven.

He goes to him and briefly rests his head on his shoulder but he longs to fall into his arms. 

Seeming to sense Ben’s change of mood Callum whispers, “Come on,” and leads them into the screen. Even though it’s half empty, they still head to the end of the back row, hoping to find as much privacy as possible. 

When the adverts start to play, Ben shifts in his seat and watches Callum watching the screen. And then Callum turns too and looks down at Ben's lips. 

Something with wings goes crazy against the walls of his chest. 

Callum leans in. Ben lets his eyes fall closed. There's a beat, a brief moment in time where he's alone in the dark and then comes the first brush of his lips. Ben opens up to him and Callum catches his bottom lip between his teeth just to make him gasp before he slides his tongue into his mouth.

 _Nobody_ else kisses like him. 

Ben remembers his hands and grips at Callum’s shirt to find out where Callum ends and he begins. Right now Callum's tongue feels more familiar than his own. 

He never wants to go so long without kissing him ever again.

The trailers are rolling by the time Callum pulls back but Ben wouldn't have been surprised to see the credits; he's always losing time when they're together. 

Callum balances the tub of popcorn on his lap and takes hold of Ben's hand on the armrest and Ben pretends to pay attention to the trailers but it’s hard when all he can think about is how good he smells.

Just for something to distract himself from thoughts of crawling into his boyfriend’s lap, Ben reaches out for the popcorn and Callum beats him to it, takes a piece and feeds it to him. 

"More please," Ben whispers. 

Callum shovels a handful in his own mouth and then daintily feeds Ben a single piece. 

"Oi!" Ben prods his stomach and he wriggles adorably in his seat. 

"Oh don't tell me, _I'll pay for that_ ,” he waves his hands around and throws up his eyes.

"You will," Ben whispers harshly. 

Callum chuckles. "Uh huh."

Ben turns back to the screen to hide the massive smile on his face. It’s not like he can tell Callum how long he dreamt of finding someone who knew him like he did and wasn't scared of him. He was sure it wasn't possible. Even if he doesn’t know what happened last night, he’s seen enough and he’s still here. 

The movie starts and Callum bounces up and down full of excitement. He’s never seen Callum so hyped up about anything. Truthfully, he doesn’t get it.

He doesn’t get it until he looks down at their hands, their fingers interlaced. This is the first Christmas Callum’s spending not only as an out gay man but with a boyfriend too. A boyfriend whose hand he's holding in the cinema on their date to see a romantic Christmas movie. _Oh._

Ben trains his eyes ahead and tries to control his breathing. He doesn't want to fuck this up for him. But he can’t, not tonight at least. It's mid November in Mile End, it's just a movie. He can enjoy himself tonight, they both can. It’s okay, it’ll be okay. He squeezes Callum’s hand tighter and hopes he knows that he understands, that he wants this to be perfect.

Ben decides to whisper something to him, something innocuous and reassuring like, _This is fun_ but when he leans up to his ear he can’t resist kissing that spot that makes him squirm instead, so intoxicated by the scent of his neck. 

Callum sighs dreamily so Ben trails his lips along his throat, being careful not to make a sound so as not to attract attention. Halfway to his shoulder, Callum pushes at him firmly but not hard enough to make Ben believe he really wants him to stop. 

He kisses back to his ear and nibbles on his earlobe, which prompts Callum to put the popcorn tub safely on the floor. When he licks the shell of his ear, Callum arches his back, just slightly, but enough to tell Ben he's onto something so he swirls his tongue in his ear. God as much as he wants more, truth is he could do _this_ all night but Callum gasps something about watching the movie so he decides to show mercy. But he can’t resist licking from his lobe along the line of his ear just to hear him sigh before he settles back in his seat.

It doesn’t matter that he’s not sure what’s happening in the story because it calms him down watching it. When he reaches forward for the popcorn they reluctantly let go of each other to share it and the fire in his belly is quelled as they settle into a quiet reverie.

Regardless of what he says to the contrary, Ben’s always been a sucker for romantic movies and he finds himself drawn into the movie despite his best attempts to stay neutral.

The last thing he wants to do is end up blubbering all over Callum on their first proper date. He has to do something, something else. Luckily for him, Callum’s right there. While pretending to be groping around for the popcorn, Ben grabs Callum's thigh instead and then inches higher and _higher_ until his wrist is gripped. 

"Stop," Callum hisses.

As soon as he lets go of his wrist, Ben slides his hand along the inside of his leg then strokes two fingers along the denim seam of his crotch and holds still to wait and see if Callum will tell him to stop again. 

He doesn't. _Of course_. As slowly as he can, Ben traces the seam again and then again with more pressure. Callum grips the armrest. _There we go._ With the flat of his hand, Ben rubs Callum's bulge and God, it makes him salivate, he just wants to bend over and--

"Stop," Callum moves Ben's hand back to his thigh. 

After a few minutes Callum tugs at his jeans and lets out a shaky exhale. Just as Ben begins to wonder if he's pissed him off, Callum puts an arm around his shoulders and somehow it’s better even than winding him up. It feels amazing. The heat and the weight of his arm around him feels like a comfort blanket but better, so much better because he’s enveloped in his scent, in _him_. Ben looks up at him in awe and presses a kiss against his wrist then settles into watching the movie, finally. Properly. 

Callum inches his foot along the floor to press against Ben's and pulls him closer as if he wants to gather him up in his arms. The warmth that spreads through his bones makes him feel sleepy and he rests his head against Callum's chest. It feels like home, no, it feels like coming home.

The ending catches him off guard and he feels tears spring into his eyes. It’s sad, too fucking sad for a _Christmas_ movie. He sits bolt upright just as a tear rolls down his cheek. At least it isn't soaking into his boyfriend's shirt, now he just has to hope he'll be able to wipe it away before the lights go up.

The soft tickle of Callum's lips against his temple startles him. 

"It's okay," he whispers.

 _Shit_. 

"I ain't crying," he protests. 

Callum shuffles around and produces a tissue from his jacket pocket. "Here ya go."

Ben swipes at his face. "I'm just using it so you don't think I'm ungrateful." 

Callum scratches the short hairs at the back of his neck in a way that feels more playful than soothing. “I told ya, it’s okay.”

It isn’t, it isn’t okay, but the strange thing is, it _feels_ like it is. 

By silent agreement they wait until everyone else has left before they do just so they can hold hands from their seat to the door. 

The short walk to the tube station seems to stretch on and on with Ben longing to touch his boyfriend, how he wishes he could put his arm around him again now and keep him warm against the December chill. Waiting for the traffic lights to change is torture but watching Callum pat down his back pocket to check for his Oyster Card almost makes up for it.

When they reach the platform it’s deserted which means they must have just missed a train and also means _more_ waiting.

Ben groans in frustration and his voice echoes in the empty tunnel. 

“The acoustics ain’t bad down here.”

Callum glances around him like he’ll somehow be able to see the acoustics so Ben decides to give him a show. He takes a deep breath and belts out the chorus of Wham!'s _Last Christmas_. 

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away." 

Ben’s heart soars when Callum steps close and joins in. 

"This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special."

Callum looks around then grabs Ben around the waist and pulls him close so their hips are pressed together and quietly sings, "Someone special," against his lips before pressing the softest kiss against them. It’s more romantic than anything in any movie. Ben leans back to gaze into his bright blue eyes and he’s about to lean in for another kiss when the sound of footsteps forces them apart. But even as they step away, it feels like there's no distance between them at all. 

"You've got a good voice, babe."

"So do you."

Ben scrunches up his face. "Well yeah, that goes without saying."

Callum rolls his eyes and turns to the board. "Five minutes."

"Another duet?"

Callum glances at the couple of people now standing around them. "Maybe another time."

"I'll make ya sing tonight."

"Ben!"

It's cold but heat rises into Callum's cheeks and he swings his arms like he doesn't know what to do with himself when he's not touching Ben. 

By the time the train rumbles into the station, Ben can't wait to stand close to him. 

There are seats but they gravitate towards the end of the carriage away from everyone else. They both grab the same rail with Callum’s hand on top of Ben’s. As the train rocks they sway into each other and Callum uses his pinky finger to caress Ben's hand. 

The train lurches and Callum knocks into his hip. 

“You’re driving me fucking crazy,” Ben whispers and Callum glances around even though there’s no way anyone heard over the sound of the train. “Been thinking about last night all day, can’t believe you left me high and dry this morning.”

“We overslept!”

“You shoulda been late.”

Callum says something that Ben doesn't catch but he sees him mouth, "...in a minute."

“I can’t wait that long..”

He watches his mouth, “Am I gonna have to tie you up or something?”

He splutters, disbelieving Callum really just said that until he sees the glint in his eye. 

“Not a chance!” 

Before Ben can gauge his expression, Callum looks down at the floor blushing, presumably from head to toe as even his hand turns red and feels hot to the touch.

It’s a strange reaction. Ben’s not certain but he has a hunch and he's always been the type of man to rely on his instincts. 

He swings round the pole to crowd Callum and speak into his ear. "Maybe I should tie you up, only way I'm gonna be able to keep a big bloke like you where I want ya, isn't it?"

Their noses brush when Callum lifts his face to meet Ben's eye. Ben steps back to watch his mouth but before he even speaks, he sees the way he's looking; lips parted, heavy lidded – he just _knows_ he got it right.

"I hope you ain't just saying that."

Jackpot.

"You know me, Callum, I'm a man of my word."

Callum gets a needy look; huge blue eyes and the sweetest pout. When the train pulls into Walford Station, they push each other to the doors and stumble out onto the platform.

Callum hammers down the steps and through the barriers with Ben close behind. They speed walk down the street but Callum breaks into a run. 

"Oi long legs, you planning on starting without me?"

Callum stops in his tracks and waits for Ben to catch up, "No fun without you, is it?"

As soon as the parlour is in sight, Callum has his keys held out in front of him but he fumbles with them in his haste to get the door open.

Ben clicks his tongue. "Fuck's sake, Highway!"

"Hang on." 

Callum makes another valiant effort to get the door open and drops the keys on the ground. It’s too fucking adorable.

“Grr..” Ben grabs him round the waist and slips his cold hands under Callum’s shirt and tickles him while he squirms and giggles.

“Stop!” Callum leans breathlessly against the wall and Ben swipes the keys off the ground.

There’s no need to rub it in but _he_ opens the door on the first try. Fucking finally. He shoves ahead of Callum into the parlour expecting to lead the way but finds himself being shoved against the nearest wall and kissed, kissed so hard he can barely breathe instead. 

When Callum pulls back, Ben sees he didn’t even close the door. Callum follows his gaze and slams it shut and then he’s being kissed again, all heat and teeth and tongue.

Eventually they make it to the stairs, Callum goes first but nearly falls as he leans down to kiss his shorter boyfriend so Ben overtakes him and drags him by his jacket. They don’t even get halfway before they fall down or, more accurately, give up and decide to kiss half sitting, half lying down. If Stuart wasn’t going to come back at some point, they’d probably end up fucking right here but they find the resolve to drag each other up to the top.

Reaching the bedroom feels like a miracle, it was meant to have been a joke when Callum said they should go out close to home but as it turns out it was a necessity.

Ben pushes Callum’s jacket off his shoulders and shoves him onto the bed, he tries to get his coat off but he can’t get the last button undone so he falls on top of him and lets Callum work at it until it’s being thrown onto the floor. From there it’s a wild flurry as they grab at each other and kiss every inch of newly revealed skin until they’re naked.

Even after Callum's revelation on the tube, Ben decides it’s still best to start slow and he pins his wrists against the cool sheets. But Callum easily breaks his grip and flips Ben onto his back, knocking all the air out of his lungs. 

When he catches his breath he asks him, “What the fuck was that?”

Callum wears a look of faux confusion. “Payback.” 

“Mm.. I must be rubbing off on ya," Ben thrusts his hips but Callum shifts away from him to deny him the contact he craves.

If he wasn't so fucking turned on he'd fight this but instead he waits and prays for his touch.

Callum spits in his palm and settles in close to stroke them both together and the first touch of his hand is nothing short of pure ecstasy. It's too light and too slow but it doesn't matter, not when he's been waiting for this since he woke up, not when Callum’s hot breath is on his neck and his leg is heavy over his, the perfect weight of him holding him down and soothing his soul.

The way Callum looks at him, like he's seeing through him into the heart of him, it makes every touch of his hand, every brush of skin on skin even more intense. Looking down between their bodies, Ben moans loud because _fuck_ it's a beautiful sight; Callum's dick moving against his own and all the tendons on his big hand standing proud as he holds them both firm. Continuous pleasure mingled with relief settles into his bones and Ben lets his head loll back as he starts to relax.

This time when Ben looks up into his eyes, he feels suffused with love, so much so that he is certain he’s close, closer than ever to telling him, on the brink of a confession he can’t take back but after tonight, he wonders if he’d even have to.

And then Callum lifts his hand away.

Starved of touch, Ben reaches between them but Callum bats him away. Before Ben can catch read his expression, he drops his head to kiss his chest but even his kisses are feather light and barely and they prick at Ben's hot skin.

There's no sound but his own breathing, quickened but steady.

The once pleasant ache between Ben’s legs now borders on painful so when Callum takes hold of them again, it hurts more than relieves until he settles back into the rhythm of his touch. 

It feels even better after that, after those moments of denial and better still when Callum leans in and kisses hot along his throat. Ben tangles his fingers in his hair to keep him close but still after a few measly minutes he pulls away; his hands, his lips.

Ben whines in frustration and Callum rubs his belly and his sides as if what he needs right now is to be _soothed_.

“God, Callum, enough…” 

Ben tries to push Callum's hand down but he holds fast. “We’ve only just started.”

“Fuck. You know what I’ll do to you, don’t ya?”

A pink flush spreads across Callum's chest and creeps along his neck to the tips of his ears. So they're playing _this_ game. 

No answer comes and it seems he can't bring himself to look Ben in the face because he kisses down his body tantalisingly slow. His lips slick with spit as he kisses hot along Ben’s hip and he longs to feel his mouth on his aching dick but he kisses everywhere _but._ Sweet kisses fall over Ben’s legs and then Callum purposefully grazes his inner thigh with his stubble and if waking up late meant they didn't get to fuck this morning then at least it also meant Callum didn't have time to shave because it lights up every single nerve when he trails his chin across Ben’s sensitive skin. 

Callum licks his lips when he looks up along the line of Ben’s body and Ben reflexively does the same in anticipation. Everything feels fluid and dreamy as he watches as Callum allows the head of Ben's dick part his shining lips. The wet slip is glorious on its own but then he hollows his cheeks to _suck_ and Ben only just keeps himself from coming on the spot.

Ben tangles his fingers in Callum's hair and watches him sink down the length of his dick, taking him almost all the way. Fuck, he’s getting good at this. The bed rocks as Callum strokes himself with that twist Ben knows he likes. He bobs up and down and every so often swirls his tongue around the head of Ben’s dick and when he teases the slit, Ben feels that familiar drawing in and that molten gold pleasure thick in his belly.

“Oh, baby, I’m gonna come,” he warns, knowing that Callum likes to swallow but not wanting to catch him off guard.

But Callum lets him slide from his mouth and the bed stills as he lets go of himself too.

It’s fucking torture.

Ben shakes his head but it’s too late, Callum’s kissing his way up along his body, his fingertips ghosting over skin missed by his mouth. 

Fuck this.

With a firm grip, Ben yanks Callum up so they’re face to face and crashes their lips together. But even with nails dug into Callum's back and all his strength, he can't get him to lay his weight on top of him. He breaks the kiss and looks down to see Callum’s dick bobbing obscenely between them, he needs this just as much as Ben does. 

Even though he knows the answer, he still asks, “What turned you into such a glutton for punishment?” 

“Same thing that made you into the opposite."

It pisses him off enough to awaken the fight in him so he shoves at his boyfriend’s shoulder, almost hard enough to topple him but Callum manages to hold steady and retaliates by licking a hot stripe along the centre of Ben's chest. It shouldn’t be enough but he’s so desperate that it renders him helpless especially as Callum kisses his way to Ben’s and flicks at the peak of it with his tongue. 

"Oh come on, baby.”

The words make Callum moan or maybe it’s Ben's soft tone and not the pet name that gets him going but either way it has the desired effect. With a grunt Callum props himself up and settles half between Ben’s legs to wraps his hand around them both.

Ben watches as he swipes his thumb through a bead of precum formed at the head of his dick and spreads it across Ben's to tease his slit. He's so sensitive that it makes him shake and whimper, it's a total loss of control and he shouldn't like it but fuck it feels so good.

The first thing Ben noticed about Callum was his body and it’s still a thrill to have him so close, under the shadow of his broad chest. As Callum strokes them, Ben reaches out and rolls his nipple between his fingers and he moans so sweetly, pitchy with need. It makes him loosen his grip but Ben doesn’t care, not when he has that blissed out look on his face. The slide of his dick and the heady smell of him, sweat and sex and good cologne is almost enough to tip Ben over. He twists Callum’s nipple harder and he turns his knees in, pressing painfully into Ben’s sides. He’s close too. Precum drools over Callum’s hand and he uses it to jack them both faster and this is it, the point of no return, boiling hot and rising but not breaking, nearly but not yet. So close he can almost taste it.

With a growl Callum yanks his hand away and Ben grabs at him too late, hands flailing and looking for somewhere to hold onto but Callum slips through his fingers and flops hard onto his back. 

Ben only just manages to swallow the scream of frustration that burns in his throat.

"Fuck I was so close!” Ben growls.

"Me too.” Callum says and his voice sounds as wrecked as his own. 

They lie side by side, breathing raggedly and Ben can _feel_ Callum’s heat even though they’re barely touching. The next few minutes are nothing short of pure agony. Ben curls his toes and grabs a fistful of duvet as Callum squirms and his feet slip on the sheets. It’s pointless trying to initiate something because Callum will only overpower him. Ben is trapped, damned to lie here and _burn_.

Blessedly, Callum throws him a lifeline, he trails a hand down his chest and comes to rest with his knuckles in the well of his bellybutton but the momentary relief of his touch quickly fades. He needs more. 

When Ben turns his face, Callum does too and looks at him with the most beautiful smile, his face angelic and gleaming with sweat. Even frustrated as he is, it melts Ben’s heart.

"On three,” Callum says softly.

He's so busy staring at his mouth that he startles when Callum wraps a hand around his dick. _Oh_. Without tearing his eyes away from his face, he mirrors the action and takes Callum's heavy dick in his non-dominant hand, it's not ideal but he can compensate for his lack of dexterity with his ring. 

With a shake in his voice, Callum announces the countdown, "One, two, three…" 

Both moans loud enough to rouse the dead downstairs when Callum twists his wrist, the sheer joy of his touch sends shockwaves from his head to his toes. Ben throws his leg over Callum's and curls his toes into his calf and they brush noses, breathe the same air and knock shoulders all as their hands move in a blur. It feels like shit he did as a teenager but it was never good like this, it was never so joyous.

Even though he knows what's coming, it still hurts.

Callum stops and Ben does too, there’s no point in fighting it anymore, this is Callum’s game and he has no choice but to play.

They rest their hands back on each other's stomachs and Ben feels Callum panting hard but still he knows he won’t relent.

“I hate you,” Ben groans. 

"If you wanna stop…"

"Don't go calling my bluff. See, this is why I hate ya."

Callum rolls over to him and kisses him all sweet and chaste, which should seem ridiculous considering the way his dick twitches and wags between them but it doesn’t, his soft kisses make Ben's heart flutter. It feels innocent and beautiful in a way he can’t quite comprehend.

“You brought this on yourself,” Callum mumbles against his mouth.

“You trying to say you hate me too?”

Callum bumps their noses. “You know I do," he says, with such earnestness that it fills Ben with an indefinable ache. 

It should feel dangerous but it doesn’t. Ben reaches out and pushes his damp hair away from his forehead and looks into those clear blue eyes. 

A glance down to his mouth is all it takes for Callum to kiss him hard, with their bodies still held at bay they deal in teeth and tongue and breath instead. It's like being eaten and Ben feels like willing prey on his back with his hands at his sides, sunk low and deep in the mattress.

Callum climbs on top of him and holds himself up with shaking arms. Waiting was never something Ben was good at, waiting is for masochists and good boys and he’s neither. And yet he doesn't move a muscle, he just looks up at Callum looking down. They've been here before and it's starting to feel familiar. 

It surprises him just how good it feels to lay in the in between, the bedroom now a liminal space, in a few moments it will shift again but now feels infinite and he could look into Callum's eyes forever. There's nobody else he'd roll over for but he'd do anything for him. 

Callum lets his arms go from under him and falls on top of Ben. The crush of his body and the burst of hot pleasure between his legs feels so fucking good that it makes Ben change his mind in an instant. _Fuck waiting_. 

Ever since his first time, Ben has loved the weight of a man on top of him and it’s even better like this, sweat slick and electric. They’re so close that he feels Callum's nipples slide across his chest and his stomach contract against his own as he moans low and dirty. 

Animal, Ben sinks his teeth into Callum's shoulder and growls, "Fuck me," in his ear before the thought has even formed in his mind. When Callum doesn’t pull away he thinks he’s finally put an end to this game he started.

But then he kneels up and towers over Ben, he’s never felt so far away from anyone and he hears himself whimper like a kicked dog at the unfairness of it all. He’s a sight to behold, even more so when he tosses his damp hair like a fucking model but Ben has a pit in his stomach at the thought of what’s about to come.

"One hundred…"

Ben shakes his head, incredulous. He knew the game was still on but he didn’t think he’d go _this_ fucking far.

"Ninety nine."

Ben blows him a kiss and Callum looks up to the ceiling. _Gotcha._ He can pretend to have resolve all he likes but his body betrays him in a most poetic way; his dick twitches and drools a long string of precum that rolls down his thigh. 

"Bet you want me to lick that up for ya."

Nothing. He’s being a good little soldier tonight. Ben should know him better by now.

"It's cheating if you don't look at me."

That works. 

Callum turns his attention back to Ben with the sweetest pout but then continues to mumble his countdown. Knowing that Callum will bat his hand away, Ben lifts his foot to trail along his side and he shudders hard enough to shower Ben in his sweat.

It takes all of Ben's strength but he wants to sit up, he has to squeeze his knees into Callum's thighs to steady himself, so in thrall to his own need that he can barely think through the fog of it. He manages to sit but has to clamp a hand around the back of Callum's thick neck to keep from falling back down. Being closer to him feels better at first but God, he wants more.

They both look down at the same moment at their aching dicks only a breath away from touching.

"Sixty three."

Ben digs his nails in to the back of his neck.

"You're not breathing?" Callum says. 

Ben breathes deep and regrets it instantly. The sudden rush of oxygen in his lungs creates a backdraft, the fire that was glowing embers a moment ago rips through him and suddenly he's burning up.

"Fuck me.. _now_. Fuck your counting."

"Less than a minute." 

With all the malice he can muster, Ben snarls, "Do as you're fucking told."

A dangerous look flashes in Callum’s eyes and he pushes Ben backwards, hard enough that his hand slips from his neck and he hits the pillow with a thud. He reaches over into the nightstand, as slowly as he fucking can, apparently, and dribbles lube onto his fingers. 

"Twenty two."

He takes his time settling down between Ben's legs and hovers his hand for a few seconds and then circles his hole with his fingertip once, twice and then presses inside, deep and crooks his finger against that bright spot. 

"Stop," Ben gasps but Callum doesn’t stop.

Ben opens his eyes to find Callum's face screwed up in ecstasy as he humps his hip, he’s not even sure he can hear him right now so he slaps his shoulder and raises his voice, "Stop, stop. We ain't animals."

Callum bows his head and stills. 

"Good boy. Just.. open me up and none of that," he gestures to his hip that now shines with precum. 

Callum scissors his fingers and the stretch is torture but torture is something Ben has learned the hard way to take. He rolls Callum's more sensitive nipple between his fingers and lets the soft mound of his chest rest in his hand with the occasional hard squeeze to keep him on edge. 

Ben can see him start to drift away. _Oh_. Callum’s on all fours for him, all that control was an illusion, a ploy to get what he really wants. 

Ben takes his wrist and draws his hand away. 

“You’re so gorgeous,” Ben mumbles, hazy with need.

“So are you,” he says it so quietly. Not _no, you are_ , he gets it, he believes Ben’s words. 

They watch each other, intense. When Ben reaches for him again, Callum stops him with the smallest shake of his head. The last semblance of his control dies as he nuzzles his cheek into the palm of Ben’s hand.

Ben cards through his hair then tangles his fingers in it and guides him onto his back with his other hand at his shoulder. He’s trembling so Ben bestows him a gentle kiss. 

"You started it, I'll finish it."

Callum lifts his hands and hooks his fingers into the headboard. "So finish it." 

He arches his back under Ben's gaze, he knows, _he knows_. 

Ben hauls himself off the bed and goes to his wardrobe and fishes out a black tie. 

He stands at the foot of the bed holding the tie between his fists, hard and desperate for more but yet he feels powerless like this. All his power is spread out on the bed waiting for him with dark eyes. 

"What do you say if you want to stop?"

"Red."

Ben pulls the tie taut and Callum thrusts his hips. 

He walks over, slow and weaves the tie through the slats of the headboard and uses a handcuff knot to tie his wrists, tight enough for it to be secure, not so tight that it might hurt. The black material looks beautiful against his pale skin.

"That okay?"

"Yes," Callum says and tilts his chin for another kiss which Ben happily grants as he settles their bodies together. 

"You sure?"

Callum nods, "Sure sure, yes."

Without another word, Ben moves his ring to his right hand and holds it up for Callum to see and his eyes go wide as he pulls hard enough on his restraints to make the bed frame creak, wild and unhinged and they haven't even started yet. 

Ben takes him in his hand, his dick throbs in time with his racing heart and he brushes the pad of his thumb along the engorged vein that runs along the side. 

"I love that no other man has had a taste." 

"So do I."

Ben looks up into his eyes on fire. He doesn't look away, he doesn't even blink. 

"You're mine, Highway."

"I'm yours, Mitchell." 

Ben strokes him fast, hand a blur, so fast it makes his arm ache. The high-pitched whine out of Callum makes Ben's mouth fill with saliva. If he knew how to say it in words, he'd tell him he wanted to fucking devour him. 

It doesn't take long before his knees turn in and his stomach pulls flat so Ben lets go and puts his hands behind his back. Two can play at this game.

"Owww.."

"Does it hurt, baby?"

Callum bites his bottom lip as he nods and he looks so sinfully innocent it makes Ben want to ruin him.

On hands and knees, Ben crawls over him and straddles his chest and _fuck_ Callum sticks his tongue out for a taste before he can even say anything. 

"You was a sweet little virgin until I got my hands on you."

Ben leans closer and Callum swirls his tongue around the head of his dick and then looks up at him from under dark lashes. "I got my hands on you first."

Ben grips his wrists where they’re tied, "And look where it got ya."

He pushes his hips forwards and Callum eagerly lifts his shoulders off the bed to wrap his mouth around the head of his dick. There he is, his good, eager little soldier, always so willing to give to others. Ben rolls deeper into his mouth and Callum presses the tip of his tongue firmly into his shaft as he moves so that Ben has to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep from exploding.

At first he doesn’t dare look down, knowing it’ll push him over the edge, but when he feels strong enough he shifts his gaze and finds Callum staring at him, lips stretched but all the tension gone out of his arms like this is relaxing for him, like he _loves_ this. Ben cups his face as he rocks his hips into the tight wet, heat of his mouth as if this were a kind of kiss.

Callum waggles his fingers and Ben takes his hand and leans into him, even bound he can still take his weight. Even bound, he still wants to. 

God, he looks beautiful, soft blush, heavy lidded, glistening and serene. Ben pulls out with a pop and breaks the string of drool that connects them with his finger. 

It isn’t that he doesn’t think Callum can take more, he can’t. It’s too much to think that he loves this and all that might mean. But Callum whines when he moves down the bed and pulls against his restraints, not because he wants to break them, because he wants to reach out to Ben.

The burn between his legs and his racing heart aren’t why Ben is so desperate to be closer to him.

Ben takes his time with the lube, he wants to let a minute or two come between what just happened and what’s about to. Callum watches him intently as he prepares, silently as if he were gagged.

When it comes down to it he asks, "Ready?" more to himself than to Callum. 

But it makes his heart swell when he hears him breathe out a soft, "Yes." 

He takes Callum’s dick in his hand and sits down slowly. It’s agony for both of them but he loves the way it makes Callum stretch out his long back and wrestle uselessly against the tie that binds his wrists. 

"What would you do if I let you go?"

"Touch you."

"Where?" Callum's eyes flit down to Ben's thighs and he scrapes his nails over his own skin. "Like this?"

"Your chest."

Ben smooths his hands over the planes of his chest and flicks his own nipples as Callum watches on, his fingers flexing like he wishes he could reach out but the look on his face says he loves that he can't. 

Ben twists his hand around his dick and swipes his thumb over the head which elicits a groan from Callum as he tightens around him. "You like this, hm?"

"Yeah."

"You like to watch?" Callum licks his lips reflexively. "My captive audience."

Ben hits bottom and fuck it feels good, not least because of the tremors running all through Callum and up into the centre of him. He grinds his hips and they moan in unison, loud and joyous, he wouldn’t be surprised if he heard choirs of angels next. 

He didn't know it could feel this good, the pent up heat now runs molten through his veins and he can feel his orgasm pooling somewhere low and deep. 

He winces as he lifts himself up, he's never felt Callum so big, so hard. They watch each other as Ben bounces up and down, both fighting to keep looking even as the pleasure mounts and mounts. Callum rolls his body and flexes his arms as if being tied up is the most glorious revelation.

Ben kneels up high and lets Callum slide out of him and the stretch of the swollen head of Callum's dick makes his dick spit precum over his boyfriend's heaving chest. For a second he thinks he's fucked it all up, he’s so close, so dangerously close.

“Ohhhh..”

Ben snaps his gaze up to Callum and finds him straining wildly against his binds, cross-eyed staring down at his dick and watches as he gives up and lets his head loll back and his hands dangle uselessly in their restraints.

“I’m sorry, baby. Here,”Ben reaches behind him to hold Callum's dick firm and sinks back down, all the way down in one fluid movement, hoping against hope that they'll both make it.

"You with me?" He pants.

Callum nods, "Just."

The urge to move is overwhelming, his whole body screams at him to do it but he holds fast. 

Callum looks up at him, confused. 

"Twenty…"

Callum's mouth drops open and he stutters before he finds the words, “I can't."

A wicked grin spreads across Ben's face. "Nineteen and a half."

"I hate you,” he gasps.

"As you should."

Callum balls his fists and the sheer exertion of holding still shakes his chest. Nobody has ever looked so beautiful laid out and desperate. 

He moves before he hits zero in his head but Callum doesn't need to know that. It’s not like he could tell him anyway as his animal brain takes over and leaves him without words. 

Callum arches his back and twists in his restraints, the sound of material on skin awakens something in Ben and he’s overtaken by the rhythm, his body moving for him.

Callum thrusts up to meet him, harder and harder, and from the way the headboard tilts, Ben wonders if he might break it when he comes. But then he can’t wonder anything at all as Callum swells impossibly inside of him so Ben has to brace both hands on his hips to take him.

They’re on the edge of glory now, both of them together.

Something stops him, some distant part of his brain still capable of thought. He presses down so he can sit on Callum’s lap and bites down on the back of his hands as his orgasm recedes. 

He watches Callum's fingers tense and relax and a tear of frustration rolls over his cheek.

Ben falls forward and presses two fingers over his lips and they hold still and silent, neither capable of counting anymore. Ben’s arm starts to shake but before he can drop his hand, Callum draws his fingers into his mouth with a moan and sucks on them with swollen lips. The hot wet pressure of his mouth nudges Ben further and he can’t do this.

When he moves he knows there's no coming back this time and from the way Callum’s eyes go wide, he knows it too. He starts slow, a simple roll of his hips but the calm doesn’t last.

Callum jerks up and up and Ben bounces on the offbeat and his aching dick slides against Callum's stomach. The filthy wet sucking sounds Callum’s making fill Ben’s head. All that's left to do now is surrender. 

The headboard bangs off the wall as Callum struggles through his orgasm, pulling hard on his restraints, not because he wants to get loose but because he knows they'll hold fast.

Ben's fingers slip from Callum’s mouth and drool runs down his hand and arm, Callum having salivated so hungrily for him. God, it feels good to Ben to be wanted like that, to be wanted down to the marrow.

Ben grabs the meat of his shoulder to hold on and feels all Callum’s power that he’s taken for himself. He hears himself yell, he feels it tear at his throat but he can’t stop, can’t control himself. Thick spurts of cum hit the wall behind them as Callum fills him up hot and it’s mind melting, so fucking good his vision whites out.

Even as it subsides, there’s still this deep down ache he can’t shake, he kneels up and fists his dick and somehow finds he’s able to coax out a few more drops of cum.

He stares down between his own legs, self-amazed and overwhelmed and then looks up to Callum. He's trembling all over, his red face tracked with tears, cum in his hair and his hands hanging limp. Ben reaches out and swipes the back of his hand through the drool on his chin and he looks at him like he's a god.

He did this, _they_ did this. 

Ben fumbles the knot but thankfully it comes loose and Callum's arms flop down onto the bed two dead weights. Callum stares at him in shock, neither of them speak.

All Ben wants is to lay on his chest and it might be selfish but he does it anyway and even though he doesn’t deserve it, even though he’s the one should be giving comfort, he finds himself gathered up into Callum's arms. Where he found the strength he doesn’t know, he never knows. 

Ben shakes so hard his teeth chatter and he can't speak but he doesn't feel it when Callum tightens his embrace. If it was anyone else he’d be mortified but not with him, with him it feels okay. His body pulls this way and that and his feet slip against the duvet but Callum holds him fast and hums softly, contentedly and, despite everything, Ben feels himself being lulled to sleep. 

He has to say _something_ though so he decides to try. "Are you okay?" His voice comes out staccato and broken. 

"God yeah,” Callum breathes.

He tries to keep his eyes open; he wants to make sure he’s really okay, that they both are. But he can’t.

When Ben wakes up it's to the sound of a TV on low and he realises, slowly, that Stuart must have come back while they were sleeping. He props himself on his elbow and shakes Callum awake gently by the shoulder.

"Hey," he whispers, his voice still cracked and ruined.

Callum’s eyes flutter open, angelic and he takes his time tracing Ben's lips with his thumb before he says it back. 

He stretches out and runs his fingers through his hair with a grimace, the cum now dried into flaky white stripes. Maybe Ben should think it’s gross but he can’t help but feel a swell of pride.

“Ugh I'm gonna get us some water."

Ben nods and watches Callum move away from him and put on clothes in slow motion and then he disappears. Just out of the room but it feels more final. It breaks Ben’s heart. He wants to scream his name like a child for him to come back but instead he crawls under the duvet and waits. This kind of waiting feels interminable, terrible.

But when he opens the door with his elbow and comes smiling into the room, all is right with the world again. He hands Ben one of the pint glasses of water he was holding and they both down them in one. 

"Your brother didn't see your hair, did he?" Ben chuckles.

"I told him not to look at me. I must look a right state."

Ben smacks his knee. "I like you like this. Filthy gorgeous."

Callum chews on a smile and strips off the clothes he threw on, so comfortable in himself now in a way that fills Ben with pride. He moans softly as he slips under the sheets and tangles together with Ben. 

"Was it okay being ti--" Callum shushes him frantically and he lowers his voice. "Was it okay being tied up?"

In the lowest whisper Callum says, "It was amazing, I really wanna do it again." Ben reaches for the tie and Callum grabs his arm. "Not right now,” he hisses.

They roll into each other laughing, so purely delighted and happy. Callum presses a kiss to the tip of Ben's nose and then leans in to brush their lips together. Ben loves kissing him when they're too spent for anything more, the sweetest intimacy.

"Didn’t you feel out of control?" Ben whispers against his mouth.

"Yeah.. but I love it. It’s like… being out of control but in a safe way. It feels so good.”  
  
"I wanna make you feel good."

"I know. And you do.”

Ben tucks himself under Callum’s chin to hide his face. _And you do_ fills his chest with warmth.

“This was the best early Christmas present ever."

Ben can't stop himself smiling. "Babe, it's November."

"I don't care. Tonight, all of it, it was special.”

Ben nuzzles deeper against his chest and hums in response. He knows if he speaks, he’ll end up telling him everything, how this is the first year he’s had hope, real hope that things might not just be okay but good.

Callum’s hands soothe up and down his back and he feels himself starting to fall asleep again.

_It’s like being out of control but in a safe way._

“I feel the same,” Ben whispers.

“What?”

“When I’m with you. Like I’m out of control but I feel safe. Good.”

He realises what he just said. He just described being in love. 

Ben rolls onto his back and brings Callum with him before he has a chance to say anything. Callum nestles against his chest like he was waiting for this and Ben feels him go heavy in his arms. He squeezes his boyfriend tight with promises that he won't let go and reassurances that he did good, so good. He'd tell him how much he loved him too if he could. He’s never been so proud of anyone.

There’s more to say but right now they just need this, this holding. Ben sways him in his arms and presses a kiss to the top of his head.

Christmas in November. The thought makes him smile because whatever’s to come can’t ruin what’s already happened. And what happened tonight, it was beautiful. He’s sure of it. He _knows_ it. And it feels good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> And thank you to [bookl0ver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookl0ver) for giving me the gift of tied up Callum 😇 The idea to explore this was inspired by a prompt from her as well as our chats and her amazing fics for which I am very grateful! 💫
> 
> And since this is the last chapter of 2020 I want to also say a huge thank you to Star and Yasi for constantly inspiring me, encouraging me and being wonderful!
> 
> Shout out to benshighwaytoheaven who in JULY suggested that Callum should turn the tables on Ben and edge him. I know we've kinda done this before but I thought this was a little more true to that idea!
> 
> Stay safe, look after yourselves, see you soon! Happy Christmas if you celebrate it and thank you for reading this year! 💖💖💖


	22. 15th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mel's death leaves Ben shaken but Callum knows exactly what he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set the day of Sharon and Louise’s party, Mel is dead, Phil is back and Ben is freaking out. 
> 
> I really didn't mean to take a month off from this fic, I am so sorry and I want to thank you for your patience! This chapter is hopefully super fluffy. There's a short arc coming up soon because I think it's time to delve into Callum's backstory but for now I hope this is a little bit of comfort. 
> 
> **Warnings:**
> 
> Consent is discussed and Ben thinks vaguely about his past sexual history. Oral sex and frottage. Very brief mentions of death related to Mel. Smoking and drinking. Let me know if there's anything else... I can't think!

**_ November 15th 2019, 11.16pm _ **

Ben pulls out his phone and reads over the last few messages between him and Callum hoping to figure out how to explain that he's not coming when he doesn’t even know why isn’t himself.

_Ben [9.56pm] can i come round yours_

_Callum [9.56pm] of course I'll be waiting xx_

_Callum [10.23pm] come over anytime x_

_Ben [10.37pm] coming now_

_Callum [10.37pm] ok xx_

He'd love nothing more than to be in Callum's bed, in his arms, against his chest but he can’t bring himself to move.

He pockets his phone and lights a cigarette. 

Maybe the smoke will choke the tendrils of doubt and fear snaking through his guts. Something's wrong. Really wrong. Mel Owen is dead. It seems unfathomable. Whether he cares or not isn't the point, he thought she was immortal. He thought he was too until tonight. And now his dad is back and on the warpath too. There are dots he might have connected already had he not been distracting himself with sex and—Fuck.

That’s the thing. It's not _just_ sex. He wasn't even trying to distract himself. It just happened. When he's with Callum, it feels like everything is going to be okay. But it isn't. It never is. Things always come crashing down; they end, they blow up. 

Mel Owen is dead. 

He takes a drag and stares into the empty street. The Square is quiet tonight maybe out of respect or shock, more likely it's coincidental and he's assigning meaning where there is none. That's usually how it goes, he does it all the time. 

Callum's world is soft and warm and when he's with him, when he's in his bed that smells of him, he finds himself believing in it. And that's dangerous. _This_ is the real world. Alone in the dark and cold, looking out of the back gate of a house that doesn't belong to him in a place that has never felt like home. This is his life.

He takes out his phone again. He should text Callum and tell him he's not coming so he can go to bed, cuddle up under that warm duvet and hug his fluffy cushions and dream of nice things, wake up early and go for a run. He makes it look easy. Ben wishes it _was_ easy. 

The sound of footsteps approaching turns his attention from his phone and he nearly drops it at the sight of Callum. Callum illuminated angelic in the streetlights. Callum come for him like maybe he secretly hoped he would.

He stops in front of Ben and gestures for him to stub out his cigarette then leans in for a chaste kiss. 

"Ready?" He asks softly. 

"Yeah." He hears himself say.

Callum points to the door and he goes and closes it then takes his boyfriend’s outstretched hand and lets him lead him away. 

When they reach Bridge Street, Ben looks over his shoulder towards the Mitchell house. It looks the same. Maybe it is. Callum tugs on his hand and he turns around.

The warmth of the parlour foyer stings Ben's face and he realises how cold he must have gotten standing outside. He can't remember how long he was there for only that he wandered out after Lola went to bed. 

Upstairs Stuart is watching something on the television surrounded by empty beer cans and he mutters a greeting that only Callum reciprocates. 

The sight of the bedroom breaks something loose in Ben’s chest. It's soft lit with a lamp in the far corner and Callum has piled up all his pillows and cushions making it extra cosy and inviting. There's even a candle lit on the dresser that smells sweet like cake and ice cream. 

Callum eases him out of his jacket as he kicks off his shoes and he's ready to dive onto the bed when he's stilled by big hands. Callum undoes his jeans and once he's pushed them past his hips, he sits Ben down like a child to pull them off and then slips off his socks. He feels a pang of embarrassment at the thought of Callum touching his sweaty socks but then he kneels up between his legs to unbutton his shirt and the feeling fades. 

Callum pushes his shirt off his shoulders and his breath on his chest melts the last of his resolve. Callum’s world is warm and soft and Ben wants to lay down in it. 

"You can borrow a t-shirt."

Callum turns on his knees to open a drawer. 

"No!" He startles and whips round to look at Ben. "Sorry, it's daft, I just.. Can I borrow that one?" He points to the shirt hanging on the back of the door. 

"Yeah, course." Callum retrieves and Ben lifts his arms for him to slip it on. 

It smells strongly of him and he can't help the moan that escapes his lips when he lifts the collar and inhales. 

Callum strips down and clambers over to the other side of the bed then gathers Ben up into his arms. 

It occurs to him that he should tell Callum he's not upset, he's not grieving, it seems wrong to claim his sister's agony as his own and yet the comfort feels necessary as if he needed this. Trying to explain that he wants to be held because he's feeling something indefinable is harder than just allowing himself to be held so he says nothing. He doesn’t know how, but Callum seems able to anticipate his needs, even the ones he can't find words for. Maybe that's what love is. 

Callum strokes his back and that thing that came loose in his chest rattles into his throat and he hears himself talking before it's even a conscious thought. 

"Lexi.. she's at a sleepover. I wanted to go over there and see her at bedtime but I didn't want to embarrass her, you know? You don't want your old man showing up at your mate's house, do ya?" 

Callum chuckles. "Nah, you don't. But you can see her tomorrow, can't you?"

"Yeah I thought we could take her to the park, maybe get some ice cream. I know it's November but you said, didn't ya? Why deprive yourself of ice cream just cos it's cold out. And she's the same 'an all. She'd eat ice cream in the snow that one." Ben stops himself when he feels Callum's chest still under his cheek. "Sorry, running me mouth--"

"No," Callum interrupts. "I just.. by "we", do you mean me and you or--"

For a moment, he can't speak, a rush of words all catch in his throat and nothing comes out. _I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have presumed. You have your own life. We've only just got together, why would you want to be saddled with a kid?_ "Shit I just thought.. if you're busy or.. or you don't want to--"

He laughs and it turns Ben's blood to warm honey. "We're as bad as each other us two. I'd love to, I was just making sure I had the right end of the stick." 

"Well, that's settled then. Sounds like a good day, don't it?"

"Yeah, perfect, actually."

His words are so soft, all rounded edges and gentle sincerity. Ben props himself on his elbow and Callum cups his cheek, smoothing his thumb over his cheekbone before pulling him down for a kiss. 

As soon as their lips connect, Callum rolls Ben onto his back and deepens the kiss with his hands wrapped around him. 

Somehow he didn't know that what he'd been craving was the heaviness of his boyfriend's body but Callum did. 

Surrender isn't soothing, it's a weakness, a risk except it doesn't feel that way drugged by his kisses in his soft bed. He sinks boneless into the mattress and a delicate sense of calm settles into the empty space in his chest. 

Callum trails his lips from Ben's mouth to his rough jaw and kisses along his throat to suck on his slow pulse. 

He exhales the day in soft sighs as Callum kisses lower, at first through the fabric of his shirt and then he pushes it out of the way and scatters kisses all over Ben's belly. 

With his tongue he traces the line of Ben's hipbone and the skin there, so rarely touched, comes alive and tingles. Ben's eyes fall closed but behind them is bright, lit up by the wet constellations left on his skin. The stubble on Callum's jaw scrapes the insides of his thighs as he kisses down, down. 

Callum presses his thumb into the hollow of Ben's ankle and lifts his leg to press his lips against the tender arch of his foot. Ben opens his eyes and watches him kiss his taut calf, the hinge of his knee. 

He wants to tell him that he can stop if he wants to but when he opens his mouth the speak, Callum turns him onto his stomach with firm hands. 

The mattress dips as Callum crawls up the bed to sweep Ben's hair away from his forehead with a touch so tender it might have broken Ben's heart if he were to dwell on it. 

Long fingers stroke the planes of his back, skin that had been clawed at by others but never touched. Never touched. When he takes his hands away, he kisses the flesh that's been left aching by his touch. 

There's nowhere, no nook, no spot that he doesn't find with his lips and Ben's body sinks further into the deep of peace and calm. 

It catches him off guard when Callum kisses the backs of his knees. He does it so softly that it tickles and makes him squirm but that isn't what pierced all the way to his heart. It was something else. 

Tears prick behind his eyes and he dares to contradict the voices in his head, for once, that are telling him to hide. 

Ben twists his neck to try and catch Callum's attention and he instantly looks up and utters a soft, almost inaudible _Oh_ when he sees Ben's face. Without a moment's hesitation, Callum crawls up the bed and carefully lays half on top of Ben and mouths at his throat and God, his lips are midday sun and Ben burns beneath them. 

What he feels is something akin to heartbreak without the pain. Callum's tenderness serves as a bittersweet reminder of what he’s never had, of what he was trying to live without but it doesn't hurt, the realisation doesn't even come in the form of thought, his body understands where his mind cannot. 

Alcohol and cigarette smoke linger on his breath until Callum finds his mouth and kisses him softly and then there's nothing but _him_ , finally, there are no remnants of this day.

He kisses him onto his back and kisses him until he's floating and kisses him beyond that even until he can't remember anything before this, this surrender. When Callum pulls back, neither of them can remember how to speak but Ben remembers his hands and throws them around his neck and they rest their foreheads together as they catch their breath. 

It's as if this, whatever _this_ is (and it feels to Ben as if it doesn't really matter) is all there is and all there ever was. Reality falls back into place piece by piece. Callum's face is damp with sweat and there's beer on his breath. Next door, Stuart is watching a horror movie with the volume turned up slightly too loud. Callum is hard against his hip. It takes a moment to register what it means and then he freezes in his arms.

He forgot, somehow, that there is no intimacy without sex, not for him. Not for something so dirty and used up as him. He doesn't want to be selfish, he doesn't want to disappoint, so he reaches between their bodies and wraps his fingers around Callum's length and it throbs in his hand.

Before he can stroke, Callum takes his wrist and stops him. “No, I’m alright, just gimme a minute and it'll pass."

"Don't be daft, babe, I--"

"I'm fine, Ben." His voice makes Ben drop his arm to the mattress. "It'll pass. I don't need anything but to be here with _you_ ," he lowers his voice and leans in closer, "I don't need anything but to be here looking after you."

Ben looks up at the ceiling to avoid his earnest gaze. "You wouldn't be saying that if--"

"If what?" He snaps but changes his tone when Ben startles. "I _am_ saying it and I mean it and you're just gonna have to deal with that, alright?"

"Alright," Ben tries to plaster on a smile but he feels it cracking before it's even fully formed. 

Callum smooths his thumb over his lips as if to say he doesn't need to fake it with him.

"Can I give you a hug?"

"You don't have to ask... but yeah."

It makes him feel weightless, the way Callum wraps him up his arms and rolls them both together in a tangle of arms and legs and shared breath and they lay in the mess of it all for the longest time, just soaking each other up.

“Bit of a weird one," Ben whispers eventually.

Callum tilts his head and kisses his jaw. “You eaten?"

“Nah but I'm fine."

Callum disentangles himself to sit up and stretches out his arms over his head. “Come on then," he says through a yawn. 

Ben watches him roll out of bed and lift his shirt to scratch his stomach and for a brief second he’s a _bloke_ , a big gorgeous one who he has the urge to jump on but a bloke all the same. A man just like him. But then he catches Ben looking and flashes him a smile and he's seraphim, choirs of angels at his back, a halo around his head, molasses on his tongue. Fuck.

Ben points at the door, "Get on with it, then!" he yells, just to break the spell of his smile (it doesn't work).

Callum rolls his eyes. "This ain't room service, nobody eats in my bed." 

"Errm... so that hour I spent eating you out in this very bed--"

Callum waves his arms frantically. "Shh! If my brother heard that!"

Ben laughs loud and he would apologise if Callum weren't wearing a huge dopey grin.

"Speaking of Uncle Fester..." Callum buries his head in his hands. "I don't fancy seeing him to be honest with ya."

“Nah, me neither. I’ll send him to bed.” 

As he's leaving the room, Ben blows him a kiss that Callum pretends to catch and slap against his bum. 

"Cheeky!" 

Callum turns back at the door, "It's all your influence."

Ben picks up his pillow and shoves his face in it. God. Nobody's ever claimed to be under his influence with a smile before. 

A few minutes pass of voices coming from the other room, first Callum's and then Stuart's dripping with innuendo. Ben has to swallow down the jagged urge to scream, "Shut up!" through the wall, he knows Callum can hold his own but he wishes they had the place to themselves. 

Truthfully he can't shake the image of long nights spent languishing on the sofa in each other's arms, kissing in the kitchen, candlelit dinners and dancing in the living room.

He checks his phone to distract him from the now slightly raised voices. 

_Lola [11.47pm] pops is picking lexi up at 10 see u after that love ya x_

He can't help but feel a little pride at how far they've come as parents as well as friends. 

_Ben [11.53pm] can't wait me nd callum are taking her for ice cream x_

He sees her typing almost immediately. 

_Lola [11.53pm] bless! she'll love that! you've got a good one there x_

Tomorrow will be a good day, he can feel it. He can already see Lexi's face when he shows up with Callum. He rolls onto his side of the bed and plugs his phone into charge and then freezes. It's not just him. It's not just him that's six weeks into this thing and dreaming of domestic bliss. Callum's set up a charger on his side of the bed. He scrambles to sit up.

_His side of the bed._

The fluffy cushion Ben loves is stacked on top of his pillows and Callum's moved all his magazines and book and-- Callum gave him his side of the bed without a word. Ben came in and took over and he let him, no he _welcomed_ him. He looks over to the nightstand and finds his glasses case already laid out. 

The door opens and Callum pokes his head round. “The coast is clear." His smile fades. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just, come here."

Callum kneels on the edge of the bed and Ben hooks his arms around his neck and kisses him. 

"What'd I do to deserve that?" Callum asks against Ben's mouth. 

"We'd be here all week if I gave you everything you deserve."

Callum takes his hand and pulls him to his feet. 

"A week in bed sounds good to me."

He turns into the kitchen before Ben can respond and he stands stunned until Callum calls for him. 

It's late, too late for beer and leftovers but he's hungry and it smells amazing so he decides not to ask if Callum really minds. He hops up on the kitchen counter and swings his legs while Callum reheats a pasta dish on the hob. 

"I could get used to this, you cooking for me." Ben says, quietly, aware in the back of his mind that Stuart is probably listening in. 

"Not sure I could get used to you distracting me while I'm standing next to an open flame."

Ben kicks him and he bites his lip to try and stifle a laugh. "Just how exactly am I distracting you?"

"Sat there almost naked swinging your bare feet."

"Oh my God, you ain't got a thing for feet 'ave you?"

Callum glares at him. "I got a thing for you, all of ya."

Ben snakes his foot up Callum's thigh and presses his sole against the bulge in his boxers. "Even my big toe?"

"You're a right piss artist sometimes."

"I know you're an older man but _piss artist_."

Callum chucks the wooden spoon he's holding onto the counter and grabs Ben around the middle and digs his fingers into his ribs to make him squirm. 

"Stop! I think it's sexy, the little age gap we got going on," Ben gasps.

"You've been out longer than me, you've got a daughter."

"So what?" Ben drags him down to whisper in his ear with a hand clasped behind his neck. "You asking if you can call me daddy?"

Callum goes hot under his hand before he pulls away sharply. "I just mean, you're the one with more life experience."

There are beads of perspiration along his hairline. "And you're the one that's sweating."

"That's what you do to me," Callum goes back to stirring. 

"What? Distract you and make you sweat?"

Callum shrugs. "I reckon that's a fair assessment."

He turns to the cupboards and lays out two bowls and starts plating up before Ben can get another word in. When he turns back it's with a forkful of dinner already speared and ready and he feeds it to Ben. 

"Is it good?"

"Of course it is, you ain't capable of anything else."

A sweet pink blush creeps up Callum's neck as he hands Ben his bowl then stands close with his own. 

Ben looks him up and down from his muscled calves up his thick hairy thighs, the curve of his dick visible through his boxers, his broad chest and the soft mounds that fill out his shirt, his broad shoulders and long neck, those big arms and his hands that make the bowl he's holding look tiny. In a word, he's perfect. 

Ben eats a forkful of food but doesn't take his eyes off his boyfriend. 

He tries to see the man again, the Callum that everyone else sees but he can't. 

Ben kicks out his leg to beckon to Callum and he shuffles over to stand between his knees as they eat. The way he licks his lips, the way he holds his fork, the soft expression on his face--

"Stop looking at me like that," Callum laughs. 

"Stop being so cute."

Callum feeds him a forkful from his own bowl. "Shut up."

Ben casts his aside, nearly finished now anyway. "Make me."

Callum discards what he's holding in the sink with a clatter then captures Ben's face with both hands. Before he moves in for a kiss, he brushes their noses together and flicks his tongue over Ben's lips before he sinks into him with a soft moan.

Ben plants one hand behind him on the counter so he can stretch out his throat and Callum sinks his teeth into the delicate skin. 

Having this gorgeous man between his thighs flicks a switch. Ben yanks him by his hair for another kiss and Callum slides his hands along his back and clutches at him to drag Ben closer and presses them together. Ben wraps his legs tighter, tighter around his waist until there's not a breath between them.

They grow hard as they kiss and Ben wriggles until their lengths are pressed together, flashes of pleasure run through him as they clutch and grab. 

As much as he'd love to be naked in bed with him right now, he can't bear for them to break apart. Callum pushes his fingers under Ben and lifts him to bring him even closer, impossibly close. Their boxers, soaked and slick with precum make it feel so dirty good and fuck he could come like this, he might. 

"Aw, my eyes! Oh my God!" Callum breaks the kiss and Ben turns to see fucking Stuart looming shirtless in the doorway of his bedroom with his head in his hands. “In the kitchen, bruv? Seriously?!”

“I told ya to stay in your room, it's not like you pay rent!” 

Ben can't suppress his laughter so he buries his face in Callum’s chest. 

“Still, bruv, that’s where I butter me toast. You can... butter his in your room.”

"I can... _butter_ him wherever I want in me own home, actually, Stu!"

Ben chews on Callum's t-shirt to stop himself from screaming and only looks up when he hears Stuart slam the door.

There are so many things he wants to say, he wants to tell him he's amazing, brilliant, wonderful, the funniest person he's ever met. But he looks into his eyes and the atmosphere shifts until there's only one thing to be said. 

“Take me to bed.”

Callum squats down and wraps his arms around Ben's waist and then lifts him up. It takes a moment to process what's happening before he wraps his legs around Callum's waist and then he's weightless, then he's floating. His strength and power make Ben's heart race as he carries him the short distance to the bed. With more grace than Ben thought anyone capable of, he places Ben down as if he were something precious. 

When he closes the door, Stuart bellows, "Thank you!" at the top of his lungs and Callum falls over Ben laughing. 

"Hey," he whispers, his hair fallen loose around his face turned pink and gleaming. 

"Hey yourself."

"Are you sure about this?"

Ben nods. "Yeah."

"You ain't just doing this cos--"

"Cos of this?" Ben palms Callum through his boxers and he shivers. 

" _Ah.._ You..." he takes a deep breath that swells his chest. "You ain't, are ya?"

Ben wraps his fingers around his hard dick and jacks him slowly with a loose fist. "Course not, but see the fact you'd even ask is why I like ya so much."

A deep shudder runs through Callum and his body relaxes as Ben works his hand. God, he loves seeing him this way, overthrown and blissed out on all fours. He reaches under his shirt to rub his calloused thumb over the stuff nub of Callum's nipple and is rewarded with a fresh bloom of precum against his palm. Callum opens his eyes and turns his heavy lidded gaze on Ben, his brow furrows and he kneels up to fumble his t-shirt off. Ben struggles out of his own shirt and then Callum is on him again, carefully peeling away his boxers and then his own.

Callum's hands on Ben's already kiss touched skin make him tingle all over and every brush of skin on skin burns bright between his legs. He trails his foot along the length of Callum's leg and he shivers from head to toe, even his hair shakes with it. Every little touch lights a fire. Ben feels like he could come just from his breath on his neck and his hand on his arm. 

It always seems to end up the same way with Ben not sure where he ends and Callum begins, fused below the waist and moving together as if they were one. 

"God, Callum, I need to touch you."

Ben pushes his palm into the meat of Callum's shoulder and shoves him onto his back. He has the power to resist but he falls with a thud and reaches up to hook his fingers around the slats of the headboard, exposing himself as Ben kneels up to straddle his legs. 

" _Oh my God_ , Callum Highway I am not worthy."

Callum wrinkles his nose. "Give over."

The way he opens up belies his words; he bites his kiss-swollen bottom lip and arches his back to stretch himself out, he _blossoms_ under Ben’s gaze. He could admire him all night; he could forget his own need and just stare at him. He’s never felt this way about anyone or anything.

Ben traces the vein that runs along the middle of Callum’s length and he lifts high off the bed with a deep groan. 

"Breaks my heart to think of this beauty going to waste for so many years."

Callum's muscles relax when he laughs and he flops onto the mattress. "D'you think I-- _Ah..._ " Ben runs his thumb through the bead of precum shining in Callum’s slit. "D'you think I didn't touch it?" He licks his lips and wriggles under Ben's touch. 

"I'm sure you did! Now that it's mine, I can't keep my hands off it!" Ben dribbles spit into his palms and wraps his hands around his dick. "Don't ever let me take it for granted."

"No, no. The curve of yours… so beautiful… want to feel you.”

Ben knees closer and lines their lengths up together then wraps both hands around them.

“Is this….” Ben thrusts up at the same time as him and Callum whimpers high in his throat.

It takes all his self-restraint but he lets go and leans into the nightstand for lube and pours it into his hands and then cups them closer together to increase the pressure around their straining dicks. Callum’s dick throbs against his, heavy in his hands and his face contorts when Ben snaps his hips to move against him.

Wide eyed, Callum watches the heads of their dicks grind and slip together as Ben watches his face. Callum’s dick throbs harder as his heart beats faster, faster.

“Love feeling your cock throb for me,” Ben whispers low and Callum sits and brings his face close, close enough for Ben to feel the heat radiating off him.

“Love it too,” he whispers back and Ben barely catches it but he sees his lips shape the word love and his heart bangs against his chest.

Sweat rolls along Callum’s nose and Ben kisses it away and then his forehead, his cheek, overwhelmed by him and unable to push the feeling down. "You're so fucking gorgeous."

Callum lifts his hand to cup Ben’s face and he turns his head to kiss his palm. "So are you." His hand slips to the back of Ben’s neck and he holds on, his fingernails leaving crescent moons on his skin.

Ben dares to swipe his thumb across the heads of their dicks and Callum surges forward and kisses him messy and hot, all teeth and harsh breath.

The bed creaks under them, Callum alternates bouncing and rolling his hips and the friction burns Ben up, metallic glowing pleasure that settles bright between them. It nearly pushes him over the edge when Callum twists his own nipple; to watch him chase his own high is glorious.

“Harder,” Ben hisses and Callum looks up with eyes blown black and squeezes the peak of his nipple between his thumb and the knuckle of his finger and then his eyes roll back to the whites.

It’s too much, the grind and his face, Ben shoots first with a grunt and his cum splatters over Callum’s chest and neck. Callum’s dick squirms and twitches in his hands and he spills hot over his fist and for a moment he lets Ben take his weight and floats on the feeling and cries out like he can’t be heard. When he comes back to himself, he grabs Ben’s side and leans in for another kiss.

Ben doesn’t want to let go; he doesn’t want to call it over. Both of them shiver with over-stimulation, sweet tremors on each other’s lips. When Ben lifts his hands away, Callum kisses his cheek before he lies down, an act so tender and loving that it leaves Ben too stunned to lay with him.

Callum runs his hand through his sweaty hair with a deep, contented sigh. His cum burns on Ben’s hand and he lifts it to his mouth to taste his salt, blood warm and thick on his tongue.

“Love the way you taste, your skin, your mouth, your… your…” The words die on Ben’s lips as Callum trails his fingers through Ben’s cum on his chest and sucks on his fingers with hollow cheeks. "That's a bit hot."

Callum draws his fingers free with a pop and runs them through the ribbon of cum on his throat, "I love the way _you_ taste." He licks them clean and swallows audibly and _fuck._

Ben falls over him and sinks his tongue into his mouth for a deep, deep dirty kiss and Callum’s hands on his body reveal to him that he’s trembling, shaken to the bone by him every time.

When he breaks the kiss, Callum leans back in and captures his mouth to drag his bottom lip into his mouth between his teeth.

"Hey,” Callum holds his face and looks into his eyes, “I'm glad you came.”

"Mm… me too. Think I got some on your neck though…" Ben licks his thumb and rubs a spot on his throat. 

Callum shakes his head, "No Ben, you know what I meant." 

He can’t move, can’t get away, doesn’t even want to, not really, so he smiles instead and Callum smiles back like he always does. "I know. Me too. I always am."

Callum beams up at him with such pride in his eyes it makes Ben’s heart swell and lets go of his face to rub his back.

“I know it’s late but d’you fancy a beer?”

“Yeah, hurry up.”

Callum rolls his eyes and Ben prods at him as he scrambles out of bed. "Oi, you shoulda said if you was thirsty!"

"I don't mean hurry up with the drinks I meant…” Callum looks up from searching for his boxers. “I meant hurry back."

“Soppy git,” he laughs but Ben can see the blush creeping up to the tips of his ears.

“Takes one to know one.”

Callum scoffs and pulls on his t-shirt off the floor and then picks up his boxers and scrunches up his face. “These ‘ave gone hard,” he chucks them into the laundry basket along with Ben’s and seems to decide on nipping into the kitchen naked from the waist down since Stuart’s in bed instead of putting on a fresh pair for thirty seconds.

His arse somehow looks even more peachy perfect bouncing under the hem of his shirt and Ben rolls onto his side to watch him go.

He returns with two bottles of beer already cracked but Ben doesn’t notice what he’s got in his hands because his t-shirt isn’t long enough to cover dick and those gorgeous heavy balls and fuck, he’s still not over seeing him like this.

“Hey you, eyes off the goods,” Callum says in the ridiculous fake stern voice of his that always cracks Ben up.

Ben tuts. “What’s the point of dating if I’ve got to keep my eyes off the goods? Bloody hell.”

Callum pushes a bottle under his nose and waits for him to take it. “So that’s all I am to ya? A piece of meat?”

“It’s quite the piece of meat to be fair, babe.”

“I walked right into that one, I should know you better by now. Hold this…” he hands Ben his beer and pulls off his t-shirt and gets back into bed to sit up against the headboard.

“Cheers.” Ben hands him his bottle.

Callum clinks them together, “To us.”

Ben takes a long pull and hopes, for once that it doesn’t go to his head.

For a while they sit in a silence that feels too full, too warm to be silence at all. Ben sticks a leg out of the duvet and looks down at his naked body. It occurs to him that he’s never felt _this_ comfortable in his own skin. He can just exist in his body knowing it’s good enough, that he’s good enough as he is right now.

He’s so lost in thought that he startles when Callum shuffles away and leans off the bed. “Aw, that’s me laptop. Well, it’s Facebook, innit?”

“You what?”

He brings his laptop out from under the bed. “That sound,” he clarifies and Ben nods not really caring what he’s on about so long as he comes back.

He brings the screen to life and Ben blinks at the sudden bright light.

“All me social media is like a fortress after, you know, after what happened.”

Ben moves closer and rests his head on Callum’s shoulder. “Oh babe. You know she just wanted a reason to be pissed off at ya cos you're perfect and--"

“--It’s alright. I don't wanna talk about it. But thank you."

Ben tries not to stare at the screen but he can’t help himself and it’s not like Callum is trying to hide it. He’s been chatting to someone, that must have been what the alleged notification was but on closer inspection he sees that it’s someone called Vicky and he can’t help but feel relieved that he’s not talking to another man. 

A lengthy message pops up and Callum closes the screen. 

“Let’s watch something, yeah? Let me get the charger.”

Callum rolls over the side of the bed again and Ben tugs at the sheets. “Let me see!”

“God, enough!” He bats his hand around behind him until Ben relents and plugs in the laptop with what appears to be the most serious expression on his face that he can muster.

“We need to start watching something, boxset or whatever when you’re over.”

“Like what?”

Callum shrugs. “Something neither of us have seen.”

“Been ages since I seen your cock if--”

“Ben! It’s been about ten minutes.”

Callum looks between his boyfriend and the laptop and then puts it on the floor with a dramatic sigh. “We tried.”

“Does this mean?”

Callum whips the duvet away to reveal his naked body in all its glory and Ben whoops with delight but his victory is short lived, Callum pushes him down and pins his wrists either side of his face before he can stop him.

“That’s enough outta you,” Callum hisses.

Ben smirks, that’s _his_ line but it’s better in Callum’s voice.

There’s a beat and then Callum tilts his head as gazes at Ben with the softest expression on his face. 

"What?"

He doesn't answer just lowers himself to kiss Ben's neck, staccato kisses all over the length of his throat. _Oh._

Ben doesn’t test his grip on his wrists, if he can get away, he doesn’t want to know. This is better, he’d rather be out of control than give it up. Callum knows to subdue him when he’s like this rather than try to get him to comply. He kisses down the centre of his chest like he’s marking the place where he’d cut him open to prove to him his heart still works if only Ben would let him.

He kisses all the way down and finds out every nook, every spot that makes Ben squirm but brings his big hands to hold him down at the hips because he knows, he knows Ben will want to stop if he thinks he’s going to give himself away. He nips at the soft flesh of his belly and leaves sweet red kisses scattered just below the belt.

When Callum lets go of his wrists, Ben leaves his hands still, held down by intent if not by force.

Tenderly, Callum rolls Ben’s foreskin over the head of his half hard dick and bestows the tip with a kiss then nuzzles his face into the heat between his legs. Ben gasps for breath when he mouths at his balls with spit slick lips, his hand still working along his growing length. 

Ben used to get himself hard and ready for the men he hooked up with before he let them get their hands on him. As much as he needed the fucking, he hated this part of it, it was the only part he never got used to, the only thing that still made his heart thump just as hard the first time as the fiftieth. When he was hard and ready for fucking, his dick, his whole body, they were instruments to use and be used for pleasure or punishment. If he could be ready by the time he was being stripped and laid out then he didn’t have to be himself. He didn’t want to be himself. He was sick of himself.

But in bed with Callum he was nothing _but_ himself. Vulnerable and laid bare. His body isn’t just a body anymore; it’s a gun with the safety off in the most careful of hands, the hands of a man who’d never hurt anyone.

Callum lifts his head and looks at Ben for a brief moment, long enough to make him burn and then bows his head as if in prayer, that reverential, that full of need. Heaven hits him in the back of his throat when Callum licks from the root of his dick to the tip. God help him, he’ll never get used to this.

He teases Ben’s slit with his tongue as he rolls his hand up and down his length and laps away the precum that leaks from his slit until his lips are shining with it. 

Words bubble in his throat when Callum pushes his legs apart and die on his lips when he lifts him and buries his face and laves at his taint with the flat of his tongue. Ben rests his heels on his shoulders and Callum runs his hands under him to squeeze his arse possessively.

“I’m yours,” Ben hears himself gasp and he can’t take it back but he doesn’t want to either and that’s new.

He flicks his tongue across his hole and his whole body jumps in answer. He rolls his head back until he’s swimming out in space and seeing stars with nothing to hold onto. Fingers twist in dead air as Callum sucks his balls into his mouth and runs his tongue everywhere, _everywhere_. Ben can feel him looking as he slides down his length, down until he gags softly and then he tries again and again to take him further and further as he ghosts his fingers electric between his legs.

He trades his fingers for his tongue and strokes Ben dreamy and slow as he presses wet against his hole and trades back like he wants all of him all at once, ravenous, desperate.

When Ben hears him moan he looks down, Callum isn't touching himself, he’s moaning at his _taste_ , so turned on just by the fact of him in his bed, on his tongue.

Ben tangles his fingers in his hair and Callum looks up with eyes intense.

Overwhelmed completely, he lets his feet slip from his back to the bed and if he was a stronger man he’d pull him up under his arms and give everything back to him.

"Come here.” His voice shakes even in whisper.

Callum furrows his brown and rests his face on Ben’s thigh as if he has no intention of going anywhere. "Do you want me to stop?"

"I...” _No._ “If you want to."

"I don't want to. What's wrong?"

Callum rubs his thumb into his hip and Ben realises he's cradling his arse with one big hand as the other lays on the bed between his legs. He smiles gently, all soft dimples and kindness.

"Mm... Nothing." Nothing is most accurate even if it makes no sense but Callum nods like he understands.

"This okay?"

He runs the wet tip of his tongue along the seam of Ben's balls. 

"Yeah,” he breathes.

"This okay?"

He kisses along his length, hot sloppy wet kisses.

"Yeah," Ben breathes.

"And this?" 

He holds Ben's dick firmly in his hand then takes the head into his mouth and sinks down almost all the way, grasping with his hand where his mouth can't reach and Ben just, just manages to swallow down a shout, the delicious wet hot pressure almost too much.

Callum squeezes Ben's arse for an answer and he somehow breathes out, "Yeah."

After that, there’s nothing more to say, there’s nothing he _can_ say.

This time when he floats out into space, he knows he isn’t coming back. Callum knows his body better than he knows it himself, Ben’s feet slip on the duvet as he tickles the tender skin behind his balls with his tongue, unrelenting until he’s sure he could come from that alone. But then he takes hold of his dick and teases out enough precum to run his thumb slick just under the head; the spot that makes Ben lose control.

And then, fuck, and then he takes him in his mouth again and Ben hears him, hears the slurp as he hollows his cheeks and God, the feeling as he presses down, the tight hot vacuum of his mouth is mind numbing. When he moves, he bobs his head in slow, deep strokes that bring Ben closer and closer, closer still when he presses his tongue into his length.

He hums out a soft moan as Ben's muscles tense and rolls his balls in his hand and there’s no coming back from it, the tender touch pushes him over. One big hand holds him down at the hip, suppressing his instinctive thrusts as Callum wrings his orgasm from him, taking control, instinct, _everything_ from him until he’s nothing but pleasure rising higher and higher. He comes forever or so it feels, glowing from his curled toes to his splayed fingers, heavy in his belly, fire deep inside. Ineffable, almost ridiculous, nobody has ever made him come as hard as Callum; he didn’t even know it was possible.

Callum splutters and it brings Ben back to himself, he looks down and sees him panting between his legs. He senses Ben watching him and lifts his head as a trickle of cum dribbles down his chin only for him to catch it on the back of his hand and lick it off with a giggle. Fuck he’s adorable.

"I love how you squirm and shake. So hot. So so hot. Whew,” he laughs to himself, still gasping for breath.

Ben squeezes his dick with a groan, so self amazed at what his own body is capable of with the right man. He should tell him but he doesn’t know how without bringing up the other men and he doesn’t want them in this bed, in this room, he doesn’t them anywhere near what he has with Callum.

Callum grunts and Ben looks up to see he’s missing a treat. Callum is fisting his leaking dick and he goes faster under Ben’s gaze until the bed shakes under him, faster and faster still, the wet slap of it filling the room.

Ben comes to his senses when he sees the muscles in his arms tense and he realises he’s close. "Stop, stop! Come here, babe, come here." Ben pats his chest and to his delight, Callum scrambles over to him on shaking limbs and clumsily straddles his waist. “Cum on my chest, come on.”

Callum towers over him in the half-light and Ben lays under him, enthralled. With one hand he twists his nipple and with the other his jacks his dick even faster than before, his hand a blur. Ben sees his belly draw in and the muscles in his legs tighten and then he throws back his head, stretching out his corded neck.

Ben holds onto the strength in his thighs and searches inside himself for his voice. 

"Come for me, baby, come on, you're doing so good, so good for me. Wanna see you cum, baby. Love the way you look--" Callum moans low and Ben can’t bear to talk over him.

“Unf… fuck… _fuck_ …” Thick cum spills over his fist and drops heavy and hot onto Ben’s chest as his dick throbs over and over in his own hand. “Oh my God.. what the fuck…” a final glob of cum runs down his fingers like melted ice cream. “Shit,” he laughs as he collapses down half on top of bed and heaves himself onto his back with a guttural grunt.

“Was that alright for you?” Ben nudges his side.

“Ohh, shut up you piss artist.”

Ben belly laughs and his face aches, actually aches from smiling all night.

Ben rolls over and licks the cum from Callum’s hand, his tongue darting between every finger and lapping at the palm until it’s clean and Callum is bright red. “Fuck you’re delicious.”

Callum lifts his other arm and buries his face in his elbow. “You’re killing me!”

Ben flops down next to him and snuggles in close.

"I wanted to look after you tonight,” Callum says softly.

Ben turns his head and kisses his shoulder. "Mission accomplished."

"Are you sure?"

Ben takes his hand and interlaces their fingers. "Yeah, of course I am. It's just hard for me to talk about stuff like this, Callum."

"I know," he says quietly. 

"Your hand is all sticky."

Callum huffs out a laugh that turns into an exasperated groan. "You're non stop."

"I take that as a compliment."

Callum squeezes his hand then lets go. “Come on, let's get ready for sleep, don’t wanna be falling asleep in the park tomorrow.”

He stumbles to his feet and flicks on the second bedside lamp.

The bed feels instantly cold without him and Ben can’t remember how he slept alone all those years.

"I got you a present."

Ben turns to watch him. "You going around starkers is enough for me, babe."

Ben watches as he leans into the wardrobe and retrieves a large carrier bag that he hands to Ben without explanation. Ben peaks inside and …it's a dressing gown. It's grey and red check in soft fleece, manly but soft. It’s nice. But that’s not the point. The implication of the gift isn’t lost on him.

"You're welcome to borrow my clothes or keep whatever you want here but I know you've got one at home and I just thought, you know, for going around the flat it might be nice."

Ben nods, he knows if he speaks, Callum will hear the emotion in his voice but he can’t say nothing. It's thoughtful. Lovely. It’s exactly what he’s come to expect from Callum and still he’s stunned speechless. "Thank you," he whispers. 

"And if you don't like the pattern then--"

 _No, no, no_. Ben lurches forwards and silences him with a kiss and when he pulls back, Callum seems to understand. 

Ben slips it on and finds it fits perfectly as Callum seeks out his jogging bottoms and a t-shirt.

"Mm you look so cosy." Callum sits his hands on Ben’s waist and leans in for a kiss and then sinks into Ben's arms with his head buried in his neck, breathing him in deeply. 

He says something quiet that Ben doesn't hear. "Hm?"

No answer comes but Callum squeezes tighter and kisses his neck instead. Sometimes Ben wonders if he says things he knows he won't hear on purpose. Words he wants to say but he doesn't want to be heard, _yet_. Or maybe he’s just imagining it, so full of things he wants to say and can’t himself that he can’t imagine feeling any other way. He presses his head against Callum’s as if he might be able to hear his thoughts if he could only hold his breath for long enough.

Callum pulls away but takes Ben’s hand to walk him to the bathroom, scooping up his contacts and solution as they go. Too tired for a shower, they move clothes out of the way to clean up with a warm flannel and Ben suppresses the urge to ask if he didn’t do a good enough job with his mouth but it feels far too late for jokes.

As he’s ringing out the cloth, Callum pushes at his shoulder. “What?”

"Will you wait outside?”

"Nah I'm gonna brush me teeth and get these bloody lenses out.”

Callum shuffles from foot to foot. "I have to pee."

Ben opens his contacts case. "You can pee in front of me,” he shrugs but sets the case down ready to go out of the room because the last thing he wants to do is push this when they’re already tired and fuck, it doesn’t matter.

But then he hears Callum’s voice, small and low, "What if you don't fancy me anymore after?"

Ben spins around to face him and throws his arms around his neck. "I'll go out if you want but I think you underestimate just how much I fancy you. Callum,” he laughs, still incredulous, “You're the most gorgeous man I've ever seen."

He looks off to the side. "All the blokes you've been with--"

"Oi!"

He snaps his gaze back to Ben. "I didn't mean, I just--"

"I know, I know. Don't wet your knickers." Callum grimaces and shuffles on the spot. "You're about to piss yourself, ain't ya?"

He groans and turns his back to Ben. He waits to be told to leave and when he isn’t, he sets the tap running and begins changing into his glasses without so much as a glance at Callum. Thirty seconds later his boyfriend appears next to him in the mirror to wash his hands with a barely concealed smile on his face.

"I'm proud of you." Ben nudges him and Callum kisses the top of his head and Ben can feel him grinning.

They brush their teeth elbow to elbow and Callum cleans the sink as Ben pees and he wants to ask _who cleans the sink every time they use it_ but that's Callum all over, so considerate even of his big brute of a brother that he can’t do anything but shake his head fondly.

Back in the bedroom Ben hangs up his dressing gown as Callum shakes out the duvet and straightens the pillows. He’s too tired to find fresh boxers so he just falls into bed naked and deposits his hearing aid and glasses on the nightstand. As soon as he lays down in the dark, the day hits him out of nowhere but it's kept at bay by Callum's embrace and the heat of his body. Whatever happens will happen. He just wants to sleep.

“Night babe,” he mumbles.

“Night night,” Callum sighs and pulls him close with an arm looped around his waist.

Ben wakes with a start in the pitch dark. He hates that Callum closes the curtains all the way. He can’t see a single fucking thing.

He fumbles for his glasses and uses his phone to light up his hearing aid and a jumper of Callum’s that he pulls on maybe back to front, it doesn’t matter. The dressing gown feels too much right now, too nice. Too.. too... _God_.

He gropes his way out of the room - hands on the mattress, the wall, the door and then finally gets a light on in the kitchen. He downs a glass of water and checks his phone.

One new message.

His head swims. It’s his dad, he knows it is. It’s the beginning of the end. Mel’s death will push Lisa over the edge, Louise will fall apart. He's never been there for her, he's never been there for anyone. It's all _fucked_. 

He fumbles to open the notification, gets his pin wrong once, twice, three times. Fuck. Finally it works.

_Jay [11.23pm] go. Callum is a good bloke you did alright there bruv._

Ben stares at it, uncomprehending. The fact that it isn’t his dad settles in and he looks at the last few messages he sent to try and understand.

_Ben [11.12pm] just wanna forget today_

_Ben [11.13pm] was gonna go to Callums_

Oh. 

_Callum is a good bloke._

He’s not wrong.

He goes to the bathroom and splashes his face and takes a piss. He should go home, Callum doesn’t need this shit. He just needs to go get dressed, he can think back at his brother’s. He uses his phone torch again to find his way back to the bedroom and is faced with Callum’s suit hanging neatly on the door of the wardrobe. Something about it makes him smile. He’s so together, so calm, such a good influence on him never mind the other way around. His soft rumbling snore is the only sound in the empty belly of the night. Listening to it is comforting.

He doesn’t want to leave.

He was there for Callum, he was. Maybe he had selfish reasons but he helped him. The proof is Callum sleeping in the bed they share most nights. 

Maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe this is a fresh start. 

It takes a minute, maybe less to get ready for bed again and slip under the duvet but his heart is pounding and he knows he isn’t going to sleep if he’s not in his arms.

It’s wrong but he doesn’t know how else to survive the night. With a hand at his shoulder, he shakes Callum as gently as he can and whispers his name. He wakes up slowly, bleary and warm and gathers Ben up as soon as he sees him on the other side of the bed.

"You okay?"

"Mm hm."

Callum showers him in sleepy sloppy kisses. "What time is it?" He asks against his skin.

"Late. Early. I'm sorry."

Callum squeezes him tighter. "Don’t be. Mmmmmm… I'm never letting you go.” He’s so tired he’s slurring, drunk on exhaustion. 

“Promise?”

He hums “Yeahhhh... this feels amazing, I knew you’d be like this I knew it. I knew. I knew.”

“Like what?” Silence. “Callum. Like what?”

"Cuddly, so nice to hold."

Ben chuckles mostly with relief. “What? You saw my wobbly belly and thought I bet he’s cuddly?”

"Noooo... just wanted to put my arms around you. Laying in this bed wishing you were here to hold. Missed you so much.”

His sincerity makes Ben’s heart slow and he burrows deeper against the warmth of his boyfriend’s chest. 

"I'm here now." Callum rocks Ben in his arms the way you might a scared child after a nightmare and he can’t help but feel soothed. “Tomorrow’s gonna be good.”

“I know,” Callum yawns.

"Do you think you can get back to sleep, baby?"

He doesn’t answer and soon he’s snoring again.

For a moment Ben panics in the dark on his own. But in his sleep Callum spreads his fingers where his hand is resting on his back and pulls him closer. He’s not alone. He’s not alone in any of this.

Tomorrow _will_ be good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Next update coming soon - I've actually started writing it so hopefully it'll be up in the next week or so.
> 
> eta: I've decided I won't be ending this fic like.. ever. I was going to end it at the breakup but I've changed my mind. I love it too much 🥺 and I have lots of ideas for going forwards. 
> 
> I'm working on another fic as well, it's kiiiiiiind of a spin off but only if you squint. It'll be purely smut exploring D/s dynamics and the kinkier side of Ben and Callum's sex life so look out for that if that's your thing!
> 
> I hope you're all keeping safe and well as can be x


	23. 16th November 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their day out with Lexi, Ben and Callum spend the night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry for the massive break and a huge thank you for the love and support on the last chapter I so massively appreciate it!
> 
>  **Warnings:**  
>  Food/eating.  
> Fingering and anal sex.  
> Blood*  
> References to Stuart's current heavy drinking reminding Callum of his father's drinking/his childhood. Vague-ish discussions of childhood trauma. Mentions of grief and Paul's death. Callum grinds his fist into his thigh when he's distressed (potentially a self harm trigger, happens while Ben is cleaning him up in the bathroom). Callum talks about the trauma of Ben being shot and nearly dying. Brief references to neglect and to the cycle of abuse.
> 
>  **Detailed warnings:**  
>  *Callum has a nosebleed and Ben cleans him up.

**_16_** ** _th_ ** **_November 2019, 5.34pm_ **

All he does is lick his lips after he takes a sip of his drink and Ben is floating just looking at him. Even McKlunky’s on a Saturday night takes on a hazy glow, all the edges softened by his sweet, coy smile when he sees Ben watching him. And when he turns on that sunshine beam, all dimples and teeth, Ben’s heart goes wild, beating out of time, about to burst, so full of-- 

“Err... _Hellooo_!” 

Callum winces and reaches under the table and Ben ducks to see him rubbing his shin. 

“Oof! We could use you for five a side!” 

_What the fuck._ Ben turns to his daughter sitting at his side. “Did you just kick Callum?” 

She shrugs and winds a strand of yellow hair around her finger, taking her own good time before she answers, “He was sat staring at _you_ and _I_ wanna tell him something.” 

“It’s alright,” Callum laughs, giving Ben a tight shake of his head that tells him to drop it, “What did you want to tell me?” 

She takes a big deep breath like what she’s about to say is incredibly important and Ben knows _exactly_ what it is. "I was born here, ya know." 

_Yep._

Ben watches Callum eyes widen in faux shock and tries to stifle a laugh when he gasps so exaggeratedly that even the teenagers at the next table turn in his direction. "Was ya?" 

"Yeah! Right over there," she points. "Mummy said I couldn't wait to be born not even for another minute.” 

Callum’s face melts into the gentlest smile Ben’s ever seen and his heart aches watching Callum watch his daughter. He exhales a soft, "Wow," and sits with his chin cradled in his hands, drinking in her words. 

"Daddy and Uncle Jay and Grandad was there too.” She continues the story, bits and pieces she’s been told cobbled together to make the people she loves sound like heroes. 

Ben zones out as she speaks. He remembers every second of that night even if he wishes he didn't. There's no other father who would do anything to forget their own daughter's birth but he would. He's tried to.

Lexi stretching her arm across the table startles him out of his thoughts. He puts his hand out to her but she’s reaching for Callum so he withdraws it and lays it on his lap, hoping neither of them saw. 

"Mummy said I’m born a diva,” she smiles triumphantly as she nicks one of Callum’s chips and takes a bite. 

"Makes a change from her blaming me for turning you into one!" Ben interjects. 

She rolls her eyes, "Who d'you think I got it from, Dad?" 

They all laugh and it feels like a scene from a movie that Ben watched alone one night. 

Lexi reaches across to Callum’s tray again and takes two more chips. "Err excuse me, Missy, we don't steal in this fam..." Ben trails off and Callum bites his lip. "You should ask Callum if you want one of his chips." 

"He don't mind,” she shrugs. 

"I don't,” Callum says but softly and with a hint of something in his eyes that tells Ben exactly why he doesn’t mind. Because this is what he always dreamed of, family, laughter, enough food to go around. 

Ben takes one of Callum's chicken strips just to watch all hell break loose, and it does. Their table erupts with overlapping protests, Callum full of faux indignance, insisting that Ben’s crossed a line, Lexi smug as anything saying, “Thought we didn't steal,” in that mocking singsong voice of hers that’s going to get her into trouble one day when she’s older. Trouble he knows she’ll be able to handle. 

Suddenly she’s seven and seventeen all at once. 

Ben bites the chicken strip in half and offers the remaining piece to Callum who wrinkles his nose in mock disgust. “Yeah, you can keep it.” 

“Too little, too late,” Lexi chimes in and Callum nods all serious. 

"Oh my God. You two! You should be a bit more like me,” Ben throws Callum a wink and he _blushes_. 

"What? A drama queen?" Lexi punctuates her barb with a perfectly timed sip of her drink and Callum belly laughs, that big bubbly laugh of his that fills the entire restaurant walls to ceiling. 

"Don't think you have to tell her to be more like you!" He says, in between catching his breath. 

Ben smiles because it’s true, true in a way that scares him, sometimes. But not tonight. Lexi is a part of him, sometimes the only part he loves. It’s nice to think that Callum sees something of her good heart in him. 

Callum blows bubbles in his drink and Lexi cracks up. All that pain and shit and he’s still a big kid. He didn’t let it kill his heart. 

The meal descends into giggling and mess and Ben knows he needs to be the one to call it a day and deposit his daughter all hopped up on sugar back with her mum. 

"Right, my darlings,” they both turn to him with the same expression, disappointment mingled with affection, “let's get home, ey?” 

Without a word, Lexi extends her hand to Callum who takes it with a delicacy and gentleness that keeps Ben rooted to his seat. He watches them go. He’s in no rush tonight. He wants to savour _every_ second of this. Callum opens the door for Lexi and bows a little as he tells her, “Lady’s first”, and she skips out onto the street and then they’re gone. 

Ben sighs and leans back in his chair. If he waited until he’d collected himself, he’d be here all night so he clears the table and throws a dirty look at the teenagers at the next table just to watch them squirm. 

Outside, Callum and Lexi are talking excitedly about cake, as far as Ben can gather. God knows how they got on the topic but that’s Callum all over, he can find common ground with anyone, put anyone at ease, make anyone laugh. And he’s a natural with Lexi, Ben can tell she likes him, really genuinely likes him. He's giving his opinion on hundreds and thousands when he spots Ben and loses his train of thought and he can barely stand the look on Callum’s face, so soft and open. 

Ben drops to his knees at his daughter’s feet to zip up her coat and plants a kiss on the tip of her nose just to hear the bright bell of her laugh. It's in moments like this that he can’t remember how he ever lived without her love. When he looks up at Callum, he’s sucking on his bottom lip, watching the scene with such affection in his eyes that it makes Ben ache. 

"You 'an all!" He springs to his feet and grabs hold of Callum to zip up his bomber jacket as he giggles and squirms and then kisses his nose too, like maybe this is routine already, just a little in-joke between the three of them. Just for tonight, he’s going to pretend that this is forever. 

He takes Lexi’s hand and Callum bumps his shoulder as they walk. He knows he shouldn’t be doing _this._ He’s setting all of them up for heartbreak down the line but what’s wrong with one perfect day? Even with all the pain of losing, they will still have had this. Ice cream in the park, Callum nearly falling the pond - somehow - stupid jokes and so much laughter his face hurts. 

The front door opens as they approach the house and Lola waves to them with a bright smile on her face. Ben doesn’t smile back. He knows what this means. It means she was watching for them. It means she was worried. 

Ben gets it, he’s a shit dad with a bad temper who’s only been in his kid’s life two minutes, of course she was worried. But still, a piece of gilt flakes off the day as he sees what he thinks is relief on her face when Lexi nears, still smiling and all in one piece. 

"We went for chicken," Lexi yells, "I told Callum about me being born in McKlunky’s!" She lets go of Ben’s hand and rushes into Lola’s arms. 

"Did ya now?" Lola and Callum share a look as they all head inside. 

"Yeah. He couldn't believe it! You shoulda seen his face!" 

Ben follows his daughter into the living room while Lola and Callum stay whispering and laughing in the hallway. So, Lola knew that Callum already knew. That means they talk. He wants to go out there and ask them what the fuck they talk about. Did Lola tell him that he just stood there? That he didn’t even smile when his daughter was born? 

“Dad!” He turns his attention back to Lexi and finds her fumbling with her zip so he undoes it for her in one long pull then helps her into her slippers. 

“There now, Princess,” he says as he straightens her little jumper, “You had a good day?” 

A wicked grin creeps over her face. “It was alright.” 

Ben sweeps her up into his arms “Alright?! Alright?! Grr!” he growls as he swings her from side to side and she screams and laughs in his arms, her little legs flying around as he rocks her. 

Callum and Lola watch from the doorway and when he slows, his boyfriend comes close enough to kiss him on the cheek and Lexi retches right on cue. 

Lola points at them, "I said I had a good feeling about yous two, didn’t I?" 

Ben sets Lexi down on the floor and she runs back to her mum and he stands uselessly in between his girls and his boyfriend, not sure what to say now. All of them are drawn towards a commotion in the kitchen, yelling and a loud crash that makes Callum wince. It’s probably his mum and his brother. He isn’t ready for this. He isn’t ready for the big family moment, not yet. 

“We better be off now,” Callum says with a clap of his hands, “but I have had _the_ loveliest day.” 

Ben takes in a deep breath and holds it in his chest until it burns. He looks up at Callum, awestruck into silence. He gets it. He wants to tug his sleeve and ask him _how do you do that?_ Never before has he had this, understanding without words. 

They all say goodbye around him and Ben sinks to the floor in the middle of it all to hug his daughter as hard as he possibly can. Hearing Callum and Lola exchanging _love_ _yous_ brings him to his feet and he goes out, stopping just inside the gate to feel the cold night air on his face. 

Callum appears behind him and takes his hand before Ben’s even acknowledged him. But that’s him, always reaching out, always patient. 

"So... how many times you heard the story then?" Ben asks as they start walking. 

"Hm?" Callum looks over _there_ , somewhere, anywhere. 

"Oh, come on. Don't play dumb, Callum." 

He sighs and speaks in a rush, "You was the third person to tell me, Lexi the fifth." 

"I should've known, you barely reacted when I...” Ben stops dead in his tracks, “The _fifth_?" 

Callum lifts their hands up and presses his fingers against Ben’s knuckles as he counts, "Err... Jay, Mick, Lola, you, your mum--" 

"--My mum?!" 

"Yeah, she saw me with chips and--" 

"You got chips without me?" Ben interrupts, not really wanting to hear about the secret conversations he’s been having with his mum. 

Callum bites back a smile, "Not like I cheated." 

"It's worse!" 

Callum tuts, “It really ain’t worse, Ben.” 

Ben lifts their joined hands and kisses his boyfriend’s wrist. “What d’you wanna do tonight?” 

“Depends. Are you... are you staying the night?” 

The question makes Ben’s heart flip. Oh. He steps in front of Callum and looks up at him from under his lashes, “If you’ll have me...” 

“Always.” 

It’s just one word but it means a thousand things. 

The lights dim and the dark night rushes in. Ben opens his mouth but no words come out, there isn’t language for how he makes him feel. Callum reaches out and brushes his fingers along his jaw and Ben begins to come undone out here on the street. He _needs_ to get him behind a closed door and laid out on cool sheets, there’s no room in this for wanting. 

This morning they would up late, so comfortable in each other’s arms and all day he’s been watching his hands. 

“So you’ll stay?”

Ben leans against Callum's palm, lingering in the moment. Callum knows the answer but after so many years of silence, both of them love to hear these things said aloud. “Yeah. Yeah, I will.” 

“Good,” Callum breathes and slings his arm around Ben’s shoulder. They hurry along the street, passing people who have no idea, who couldn’t possibly know what they were rushing towards. 

Callum unlocks the parlour door and barely holds it open for Ben he’s in such a rush to get inside. After he’s opened the door to the flat, he turns to beckons for Ben to follow up the stairs as if there was a chance he wouldn’t. 

The flat is empty but the curtains are still open with the street light coming through. Ben steps into the living room and Callum seizes on him, hands tight around his waist and walks him back one step, two, three and then he’s shoved hard against the wall with a thud. 

Callum presses closer, so close he can barely breathe and kisses hot and deep. Ben remembers his hands and grips hold of his jacket in a silent plea to stay close, _this_ close all night long. Crushed by his bigness, captured against his mouth, Ben is kissed and kissed and he can’t kiss back, he can only hold on and take it. For so long he dreamed of this, to be kissed into oblivion so that nothing else remained. And it can’t last, someone always has to come up for air, but he can at least let himself enjoy the moments when it’s only them, only _this._

It’s Callum who breaks the kiss and Ben’s just glad it wasn’t him. He shoves Callum backwards and while he’s still reeling, he grabs a handful of his shirt and drags him the last few steps into the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind him. 

"You're amazing, so amazing,” Ben fumbles with his buttons as Callum reaches for his belt. 

“So are you, seeing you today, watching you _...ah_ ...” he moans when Ben snakes his hand inside his shirt and rubs his thumb over the hard peak of his nipple. 

Callum crashes their lips together. Coats fall to the floor, shoes are kicked off, lips parted and brought back together double hard. Callum lifts Ben’s polo shirt over his head and shrugs his own button down off his shoulders and finally it’s skin on skin. It feels so right to be running his hands over the planes of Callum’s back and to feel his bare chest against his own. 

He puts his hands on his chest and shoves Callum onto the bed and he lands with an _Oof_ because he loves to hear himself loud. Ben shucks off Callum's jeans and he takes off his socks as Ben kicks his own trousers clean across the room and then they’re together on the bed, sprawled across it, feet dangling off the end of the mattress. 

Callum wriggles out of his boxers and Ben rests his face against his shoulder as his own are pushed off his hips. All day he longed to feel this, Callum rolls his body and brings them together and both of them sigh, soft and calm and filled with relief. Ben feels him hard against his belly when he arches his back and moves against him until they’re connected below the waist. 

Callum brings his leg up and Ben fits against him, like somehow, they’re made of the same stuff and it just works, it just is. It’s perfect. Ben can’t hold back anymore, doesn’t want to. 

"Fuck me,” he mouths into Callum's ear. And then everything stops. Callum goes rigid in his arms and pulls back, his head hitting the mattress and an unreadable expression on his face. “Shit, sorry. Was... was it too much?" 

"No!” He trails his fingers along Ben’s back and then his neck all the way to cup his face, so tender but it makes him _burn_. “No. It's just... that's what I was gonna say. Well, not quite like that but..." 

"Oh! Well... there's time for both." 

A crimson blush creeps all the way up to the tips of Callum’s ears and he throws his head to one side, burying his face in the duvet. 

"What?" 

"I dunno! Just when you say it like that...” 

He nuzzles deeper into the quilt and Ben leans over to kiss his exposed neck. "Fuck, you're so cute." Callum squirms under him and he nips at his skin. “I could eat you up.” 

Callum brings his knees up and lazily bumps them into Ben’s side. “Does that mean it’s my turn first?” 

“Only if you say it,” Ben whispers into the nape of his neck. 

Ben’s ready to hear him say it but he wraps his legs around his waist, ankles crossed on the small of his back and rolls his hips and he forgets it’s coming, so lost in him. He bows his head to kiss along his jaw and nip at his earlobe as he smooths a hand along his side to rest at his side and feels his skin hot and trembling. 

“Fuck me,” he breathes and it’s Ben’s turn to freeze. 

Hot against the crook of his neck he demands, “Say it again.” 

“Fuck me.” 

Ben kneels up and spreads his legs wide and looks him over. Beneath him, Callum burns pink and red. “Look at you,” he sighs, ghosting his fingers up and down his inner thighs until he shivers. “You’re beautiful.” 

Just looking at him makes Ben salivate and he can’t resist bending down to taste his salt skin. He licks a hot stripe from the root to the tip of his dick and draws a low groan from Callum. Under his tongue, he feels him throb and it ignites a fire at the base of his spine. He wants it all, to spend the night with his head buried between thick thighs, to feel him inside, to fuck him. For a moment, he just stares up at his face, at the cleft of his chin and the rose of his cheeks and when Callum looks back, pretty blue eyes gone dark, he’s single minded; determined. 

He leans over him for the lube in the nightstand, trying not to be distracted by Callum’s hands on his chest as he moves. With one hand he snaps open the bottle and dribbles some on his finger to dip between Callum’s legs. He watches his face as he moves his fingers and waits for the signs that he’s loving this, the way he licks his lips, that last ounce of tension melting away from shoulders. He knows him so well, how he loves this, how it shows in his body. 

Without a word, Callum bends his knees and Ben understands what he’s asking for. As he strokes him _slowly_ , he presses a finger inside, to the first knuckle and when he hears him exhale, he pushes deeper. It doesn’t take long for Callum to relax around him and he pulls out and presses back with a second finger, entranced by the look of pure bliss on his face. 

“Hard to believe you was a sweet little virgin not so long ago...” 

“I’m still sweet.” 

Ben chuckles and twists his fingers deeper eliciting a low groan. “You’ll always be sweet, baby.” 

He rocks his hips, fucking himself on Ben’s fingers, propping himself up on his elbows so he can really move. Ben could watch him all night, hungry and restless, moving erratic, chasing something he’ll never reach, not like this. And his mind wanders as he watches him, they’ve been spending so many nights together, maybe Callum’s never done this to himself. The bed creaks in time with the soft moans that fall from his lips and when Ben twists his wrist, his head falls back exposing his long neck. 

“You ever done this to yourself?” 

Callum looks up at him with a pained expression as if he can’t believe Ben is trying to hold a conversation right now. He glances down between them and whimpers at the sight of his hand between his legs. "No, I er... I tried, I guess. Kinda. Once. But then we... So, I never...” 

“Shh...” Ben rubs his belly and smooths his thumb over his hip bone. “I just... I know how much you like it... I though you would’ve had a go...” he moves his hand hard and fast until he hits that bright spot inside him with the blunt tip of his fingers as his ring hits the rim of his dick over and over. “All those nights alone...” 

Callum chews on his bottom lips, big wide innocent eyes looking at him imploringly as if to say, _You know I would never._

Ben slows his hand and scissors his fingers to stretch him open and Callum lifts his leg in the air something Ben is certain is an involuntary reaction and he can’t help but smile. “You’re so good for me baby, so--” 

A loud slam shakes the walls of the flat. 

Ben prays that it’s Jay heading into the parlour to mop up some paperwork, unlikely at this time on a Saturday but he hopes against hope regardless until he hears approaching footsteps and Callum tenses up and _fuck –_ Stuart. 

Ben moves his hand to Callum’s belly and draws soothing circles into his skin but despite it, he props himself up on his elbows and peers anxiously towards the door. The moment is ruined so Ben carefully withdraws his fingers and when Callum still doesn’t look away from the door, he decides to do something. 

He steps backwards off the bed and Callum reaches out to him, waving his arm frantically. “You ain’t going out there, are ya?” he hisses 

Ben wags his hard dick and Callum’s eyes go wide. “Starkers with a raging hard on? Err... no, babe. I’m not.” 

Callum flops back onto the bed with a grunt and stares as Ben jams his clothes airer under the door handle. “I happen to be an expert at barricading doors against ugly bald blokes.” 

Callum rolls his eyes, “Well me too, you ain’t special.” 

Ben feigns offense and crawls over him with what he hopes is enough menace in his eyes to get Callum excited. “Just for that--” 

“Alright bruv?” Stuart’s voice booms through the closed door but he doesn’t try the handle. 

“Ben’s over, Stu!” 

“Yeah, yeah. Same old, same old! S’pose I’ll watch telly by me’self. Have this korma to me’self.” 

Callum tilts his head and sighs when he hears Stuart knocking around in the kitchen. It feels like he’s only inches away, practically in the room with them. But he isn’t and they’ve waited all day to be alone. Ben nuzzles into the crook of his neck and presses hot kisses where he can until Callum gives in and opens up to him. When he drops his shoulder, Ben sinks his teeth into the tender skin of his throat and smiles into it when Callum cradles the back of his head to hold him in place. 

His breath hitches and Ben feels his Adam’s apple sink and rise as he swallows his moans. Both of them burn to touch where they really want to, Ben’s hand twitches against the bed sheets, bereft of his body. 

After a few long, _long_ minutes, the TV is turned on loud and Callum grabs Ben’s wrist but he wrenches it away. “Nah... I think it’s about time you tried it for yourself, don’t you?” Callum freezes, his chest stilling as he holds his breath. “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll be right here watching.” 

Callum’s eyes go dark in an instant like two blown light bulbs, he likes the idea, he can’t deny it. Ben lifts his hand and slicks his fingers with lube and only when he guides his hand down does he let out a shaky exhale. 

He’s already loosened up so this should be easy but still he shuffles and winces when he presses the tip of his finger inside. 

“Stop,” Ben takes his own pillow and gestures for Callum to lift himself up so he can put it under him. The new angle helps and he hisses through his teeth as he sinks his finger deep inside. 

“It shouldn’t hurt,” Ben says softly. 

“It don’t.” 

Ben circles his nipple with the pad of his thumb as he experimentally moves his hand. “You okay?” Next door Stuart laughs and Callum stops abruptly. “You need to relax, darlin’.” 

A sweet smile spreads across Callum’s face, “Call me that again...” 

Ben lowers his voice, “ _Darlin’_...” 

His eyes flit from Ben’s eyes to his mouth, “Kiss me.” 

Ben leans in and kisses him, lips brushing warm and sending tingles up and down his spine. Callum moans into his mouth and Ben rests his hand on his forearm to feel how he moves inside himself. 

“I can’t,” Ben sighs, “I want to see you.” 

Callum shakily pushes a second finger in and makes that sweet sobbing sound then chews on his lip to quiet himself. _Fucking Stuart_. Ben turns around and fumbles the radio on and turns it up loud, not giving a shit what’s playing. 

“That’s why I have it there,” Callum laughs. 

“Huh? You’ve never turned it on with me here before.” Colour rushes to Callum’s cheeks. “Oh. Fuck, I’m sorry I wasn’t here to catch the show. The thought of you, making yourself--” Callum groans loud, confident now that he can’t be heard. “Making yourself do _that._ ” 

“Sorry you missed it too, it’s no... _ah...._ it’s no fun without you.” 

Ben strokes him loose and slow, mesmerised by his finger pumping in and out, the slick sounds of it barely audible over the radio so he leans in close to hear him, smell him. A bead of precum shines in his slit and Ben flicks out his tongue to taste him, blood warm melting on his tongue. 

Ben circles his fingers around Callum’s wrist, “Crook your finger up," he shifts and licks his lips. "Mm..." Ben moans, pressing closer, "Find that spot, come on..." 

He screws his eyes shut. “God, Ben.” 

"No need to be embarrassed, babe, it's only me. Look at me.” He opens his eyes and looks down at Ben’s hand around his wrist. "So just..." he moves experimentally as Ben winds his fist around his dick and it takes a minute, it makes him sweat and shake but he gets there with a moan, deep and animal. 

"There now, darlin', you're doing so good." 

Ben bows his head to circle his nipple with his tongue and Callum snaps his hips to fuck himself on his own fingers. A stream of precum runs down Ben's hand and Callum presses his knee painfully into his side. He's close. His movements turn erratic, his bicep jumping under his skin but still Ben waits, biding his time. Even as he feels him swell in his hand and sees his stomach draw in, he holds his nerve. 

It’s only when his brow furrows that Ben tightens his grip around his wrist and barks out the word, "Stop." 

"Can't..." Callum whines. 

Ben tugs on his wrist, "Yes, you can. And you will." 

He pounds his fist on the bed in the most adorable act of protest Ben has even seen before he works his fingers free. He rests his hand on his stomach, barely breathing, trembling now and all over. 

Ben knows he's fragile, teetering right on the edge. Maybe even slightly over, half dangling in thin air. He squeezes out a little more lube and positions himself between his legs. 

"Say it again, but only if you mean it." 

Callum lifts his face, his weekend stubble brushing against Ben's and whispers in his ear, "Fuck me." 

Ben had almost forgotten himself completely and he's overwhelmed by his tight heat and the almost unbearable friction as he pushes inside, so lost in him for a moment that he almost misses the moment Callum tips. 

Callum lifts his legs up and claws at Ben's back, somehow making blunt nails _hurt_ ** _._ ** He pushes down all the way to the hilt and when he hits bottom, Callum draws in tight around him. His knees knock against Ben’s ribs and he’s reminded of his power, his big man laid out for him, coming for him. Ben thrusts long and slow and he _squeaks,_ high pitched, pure need. 

"Come on," Ben whispers, "You're doing so good." 

He rocks his hips and Callum whimpers, every sound emanating from his throat rather than his mouth. Ben feels his hot cum splash against his stomach and feels him draw in, impossibly. Callum scrabbles at him then, clutches him close, pulls him deeper and finally he exhales, hot and slow, his entire body shuddering hard. 

Ben’s never seen him like this; he tries to search his face but he only finds him calm now. Quiet. He pulls out carefully, still hard but his need is dulled by concern and Callum’s legs drop once they’re separated. "Are you okay?" 

Callum blinks and looks around, he seems... disorientated maybe and Ben reaches out to rub his arm. 

"Yeah. Can you..." he points at the radio and Ben manages to snag it and turn it off while still keeping a hand on Callum. He glances towards the door. "I wish he'd turn that down." 

"I'll ask him to, if you want." 

Callum scoots back and rolls onto his belly to reach off the bed for his phone and sends a text. "I asked him." 

He stays on his front, resting his face on crossed arms. He doesn’t feel out of reach, he seems stunned. Ben rubs his back and when the television gets turned down, his shoulder blades drop and he relaxes under his hand. 

He leans down and kisses the back of his neck and Callum sighs, "That's nice." 

"That's what I like to hear." 

"I'm okay, it was just intense. Good but overwhelming.” He sighs deeply as he shifts onto his side and brings Ben down to share his pillow. 

“Hey,” Ben whispers. 

Callum nudges their noses together and kisses him gently, a sweet, chaste kiss that sends butterflies fluttering through Ben’s stomach. “Hey,” he echoes.” 

It doesn’t register at first, his hand moving lower along Ben’s body, not until he’s tracing the line of his hipbone. "You don't have to." 

"What if I want to?" 

Ben relaxes into the tickle of his fingers against his skin. His hand cups between his legs, he tugs gently at his balls and palms at his dick. Ben lets his eyes fall closed as Callum snuggles beside him, one leg slung between his parted thighs, working his hand until he's fully hard again. 

He turns his face and breathes with Callum, their hot breath shared, he kisses the moans off Ben's lips. The weight of his body feels like comfort. Callum lets go, briefly, to cup Ben's face and kiss him deep and passionate and Ben _burns_ for his touch. He kisses him back, hard and doesn’t stop, not even as Callum wraps his fist around his aching length and brushes his thumb slick across his slit. 

He holds onto Callum as he comes in warm waves that lap up through his belly and break against his ribs. Callum knows just when to let go and stretches his arm across him to envelop him in an embrace. It’s all perfect, done with such careful precision, there’s not a note out of place when Callum plays his body. 

Wet and hot he kisses from Ben’s mouth to his jaw then nestles his face in his neck and holds him close as he shakes through the comedown. Minutes pass or hours, it doesn’t matter, Ben looks down at his chest streaked with cum and Callum’s arm resting in the mess of it. This is the kind of intimacy he craved and he won’t take it for granted, not this time. 

He’s not tired but he feels on the brink of sleep, Callum’s breath drowsing him with every warm wash of it but then he says something that makes Ben freeze. He doesn’t catch it, not all of it, but he picks out two words at least, _I love._

“What’d you say?” 

Callum pulls back just enough to repeat it. "I love making you come." 

Ben laughs, half relieved, half charmed, "Mm well, me too." 

Callum props himself up and raises an eyebrow, "Wait, you love making me come? Or you love when I make you come?" 

Ben tickles his sides, "All of it!" 

Callum giggles, actually giggles and Ben melts into him, so close there’s nothing between them now. Beyond the wall there's the sound of Stuart washing up, mundanity, real life. Nothing like the magic between them in their bed. 

"Cold..." Callum mumbles. 

Ben wriggles and pulls at the duvet. "We've fucked up again, gonna have to sit up to get under it." 

They shuffle and pull at the quilt until it gives and they can snuggle up under it but Callum mumbles a profanity under his breath and pulls out of Ben’s arms. "I think I have to pee." 

_I think._ Ben can't help but smile. "Then go, and hurry back. There's--" Ben rolls over and points, "clothes on the airer under the door handle." 

He drags himself out of bed and pulls on his jogging bottoms and trails off shirtless with wild hair to the bathroom. He's back in under a minute, diving back under the covers naked and knitting together with Ben. 

A few minutes pass in silence, it's so warm, the hum of the TV next door reminds him of falling asleep on the couch as a kid. 

"Babe?" Callum doesn't answer. "If you fall asleep, you're dumped." 

"Oh well. We had a good run," Callum yawns. 

Ben shakes his shoulder, "It's only just gone nine." 

"Mmm.." 

“We keep doing this,” Ben breathes, trying to keep him here. 

“Catching up on a lifetime of lost sleep I reckon. Seven-thirty used to be a lie-in for me. I never woke up so late in my life as I have since I got with you.” 

There’s a crash and Callum tenses. “D’you wanna check on him?” 

“He’s a had a skinful. Again. He’s lonely, Ben, and here I am with you.” 

“It ain’t you he needs, babe,” Ben squeezes his shoulder to try and relax him. 

“I know, I do. I get it. I mean, all them months before we-- nothing else filled the hole.” 

There’s a slight wobble in his voice that Ben can’t stand. “Oh baby,” he prods his finger into his ribs, “You should always have someone to fill your hole.” 

He huffs out a laugh, “You’re awful, d’you know that? You never miss an opportunity.” 

“Babe, if I ever miss an opportunity to fill your--” 

Callum twists his hand to clasp it over Ben’s mouth. “We was having a serious conversation for a second.” 

Ben licks his palm and he pulls his hand away, shaking it in pretend disgust. “I don’t really do those.” He regrets it instantly. “I mean... sorry, I’m a prick. If you wanna talk...” 

“It's okay, there's just one thing... remember the first time we talked properly, you told me that we was the same, me and you. Both used to walking on eggshells.” 

He remembers it clear as day, a dodgy van he needed to get rid of and what he told himself was an easy target. When he saw Callum, he saw himself, he knew exactly what buttons to press because he’d spent his whole life lashing out before he’d let anyone push them on him. “I... You know I was just...” _manipulating you_. 

“I ain’t looking to dig all that up it’s just... you told me, Ben, you told me that you felt ashamed and I told you I didn’t get it but I did, I do. I spent most me life feeling mortified. Of myself most of all. You gotta hold onto the people who make you feel different, better.” They squeeze each other at the same time, “Yeah, like that.” 

Ben laughs, fuck it’s not like he can deny it’s true. “Yeah, I suppose you do.” 

“Hearing my brother like this, like our dad used to get, it scares me, Ben. He found someone who makes him feel better and he’s lost her and I just hope... I just hope he don’t lose himself before she comes back.” 

“I know,” Ben cups his face and brushes his thumb over his cheekbone, “It’s what scares me the most, history repeating itself.” 

Callum nods, “I know but you are not your old man, Ben. You ain’t nothing like him. And we have each other now, don’t we?” Ben shifts his gaze down to Callum’s lips because he can’t bear the look in his eyes and whimpers in surprise when he closes the gap between them, kissing him softly. He pulls away, “Did you not... we can talk I just wanted to kiss you.” 

Ben gasps, “Kiss me where?” 

Callum groans but before Ben can get another word in, he rolls them both together off the pillow until Ben is flat on his back then pins his wrists for good measure. Ben bites his lip and stares him down, defiant. “Are you ever gonna stop winding me up?” Callum asks.

Ben pretends to think, “Errm... why would I when it gets you like this?” 

Callum grins, that perfect movie star smile and lowers himself down, slowly. Surrounded by the smell of his aftershave, his sex, the heat of his breath and the weight of his body, Ben lets his head roll back and _drowns_ in him. Intoxicated, swimming in the thick of him, when Callum kisses him, he melts on his tongue. 

Ben wraps his legs around Callum's waist, obsessed with the weight of his body, he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. 

He doesn’t want to. 

Callum trails one hand from his wrist down and Ben threads his fingers through his hair, if he isn’t being held then he wants to hold on. Half hard and drowsy, it feels like a kind of heaven to be touched by him, gentle and slow. Callum’s fingers tickle across sensitive skin and he drops the occasional little kiss behind Ben’s jaw. 

He goes to shift down the bed, a kiss dropped on his shoulder and then his chest and then his grip loosens around his other wrist and Ben begins to panic, “No... will you... will you stay?” 

Callum settles again between his thighs, more definite and deliberate this time. “Of course.” 

He reaches for the lube thrown on the bed and snaps it open with his teeth to dribble some between Ben’s legs, it’s not ideal but Ben knows he’ll do anything not to let go. 

The wet slip feels fucking amazing and Ben moans into his waiting mouth, his feet slipping on the sheets when he presses inside. He’ll never get used to this, not with him. He smiles and Callum does too, mirror images if only briefly. 

He works two fingers in, ever since Ben saw his hand around a pint glass, he dreamed of this. Fuck, just watching him sign his name was the biggest thrill he’d had in years. And now he has him inside and it’s even better than he imagined. 

He finds the right angle, the right spot, he’s better at this since he tried it himself, he gets it. He’s working up to something they both want and Ben’s breath catches in his throat at the thought. Callum’s sure of this, of what he’s doing, what they’re both doing. Ben feels him hard against his hip but it’s not that, it’s the way he moans when Ben does, the shake in his arm. He moves sure and certain because he knows Ben already and maybe even completely. He knows _them._

“Are you ready?” 

Ben answers _Yes_ without thinking because there’s nothing to think about. Callum fumbles some more and Ben sinks into the soft pillow, Callum’s because his own has been discarded on the floor. The thought that they’ll be sharing one tonight makes him smile and then his face is cupped and Callum looks down at him with a soft expression. 

“Look at me, don’t look away.” 

Normally his head would be screaming at him to fight and get away but not this time. Callum holds himself in one hand and he bites down on his bottom lip as he pushes down. Ben lifts his knees as he presses forwards and then his hand comes up to catch Ben’s other wrist. 

Callum rocks his hips and can’t suppress his moans but when Ben opens his mouth, no sound comes out. The bed creaks as they move but he’s silent. Callum drops his face to kiss Ben’s neck and he looks up at the ceiling, gasping at every push of Callum’s body into his. 

Pleasure builds and burns and he breaks Callum’s hold to feel the muscles working in his back, to hold his side and put his hand over his deep, quick breath. He wants to hold the reality of him in his palm. Outside someone yells and inside the TV gets turned up loud again but nobody has any idea what’s happening between them, not even Ben knows. It soothes his mind to be part of something bigger than himself. 

Callum lifts his face and kisses Ben’s nose and he’s flooded with warmth at the memory of only hours earlier, of this good man looking at him like he put the stars in the sky as he zipped up his jacket. Ben moves his hand lower to scrape his nails over his arse and then finds his hole and _taps_ _._ Callum cries out and tightens his grip almost painfully around Ben’s his wrist. 

Ben chuckles and Callum captures his mouth still smiling. Close but not close enough, Ben reaches between their bodies and strokes his dick. It’s perfect then, the friction and the pressure and the touch of his hand. His head rolls back into the ether as Callum grunts against his neck, “Can I go faster?” 

“Yeah... yeah... do it... Whatever you want...” 

Callum groans and the vibrations of his mouth on his throat tingle down his spine. He moves faster, faster and Ben fists his dick until his arm aches and when he tips and tightens, Callum follows, crashing their mouths together to swallow the sounds. 

The clack of teeth and harsh breaths and thunder in his ears. He comes hard enough to hit their chins as they kiss and he feels Callum smiling, fond and happy and fuck, it makes him come harder, the thought of him loving something about him, maybe even loving everything. Behind Ben’s eyes lights up white when Callum snaps his hips with a guttural animal grunt. 

It’s over too soon, it’s always too soon, but Callum laughs in his ear and whispers a soft _fuck_ and Ben wouldn’t change this for anything. 

“That thing you did at the end...” Callum ghosts his hand over Ben’s hip. 

Ben buries his face to one side in the pillow as Callum pulls out, he wishes he’d stay a little longer but he knows how sensitive he gets. “What?” he grunts. 

“When you like kinda pulled in or...” 

His words trail off to nothing. Something hot hits Ben's face and then his neck. He turns his head and sees Callum’s lips and chin turned red. 

“Oh shit! You're bleeding! Are you okay?!” 

Callum wipes his nose with the back of his hand. "Sorry, nosebleed. Fuck.” 

He kneels up so suddenly it makes Ben whimper at the loss of him and he reaches for him but he isn’t looking, like his walls have gone up and suddenly he’s a hundred miles away. He grabs a box of tissues and sits on the edge of the bed with his back to Ben muttering to himself. 

It takes a second to make his body move but Ben crawls over to him and strokes his fingers through his hair. “What can I do?” 

Callum’s shoulders tense and square. "Just gonna--" He jumps up and leaves Ben with his hand hovering in mid-air. 

He pulls on his jogging bottoms and then he’s gone from the room. Shit. Ben stops for a moment, still shaky, tender between his legs and the echo of a few minutes ago still heavy on his chest. This isn’t right. He jumps up and puts on his dressing gown and when he opens the bedroom door, he finds the flat gone dark apart from a bar of light coming from the bathroom. 

He knocks and waits. Nothing. “Can you let me in please, babe?” 

Eventually the door opens and Callum stands with his hands in the air, blood splattered down his bare chest and a few heavy drops soaking into the grey of his jogging bottoms. 

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m fine.” 

Ben shakes his head. "Alright, just...” Ben sits him on the toilet seat. "What do I do?" 

"Just gotta.." Callum stuffs toilet paper into his nose and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. 

Ben sees a bloodied tissue in the bin and realises he must have pulled it out before he answered the door. "You don't need to hide anything from me, you know that, don't ya?" 

He laughs bitterly. "Ain't exactly sexy, is it?" 

"Depends what you're into." Callum laughs and winces. "It'd take more than this to put me off." 

Ben waits for him to say something but he doesn’t. He soaks his washcloth in warm water and sets about cleaning his chest. Stopping to roll up the sleeves of his dressing gown leaves it bloodied, slightly but he ignores it and continues to clean him up, wiping the cloth along the crease of Callum’s belly and dipping it below his waistband until there isn’t a trace on him. 

Silence sits heavy in the room, even the running water sounds loud like a thunderstorm but Ben doesn’t know what to say. He kneels up at Callum’s feet and he runs his fingers over a smear of blood on Ben’s arm and something shifts between them. Something’s wrong, he feels it in his gut even before he looks up and sees the wobble in Callum's lip. 

“Babe...” Callum grinds his fist into his thigh and Ben grabs his arm, “Hey! Stop that, stop.” 

He breathes harshly through his mouth, a few fragments of words spoken and discarded while Ben tries to wait patiently. “I never wanted to see you covered in blood again.” 

“Oh, darlin’, I ain’t, it’s okay.” Ben wrenches his fist away where he’s working it into his leg again. “Stop, stop. We’re both okay. Are you in pain? Is that...?” 

He mouths _no_ and takes a deep breath. "I think about it, Ben, I think about it all the time." 

Ben shakes his head, part warning, part denial. "Don't." 

“I thought I was gonna lose ya.” He lowers his voice. “I thought you was gonna die.” 

“I told ya, us Mitchells are hard to get rid of,” Ben prods his tummy but Callum doesn’t react. 

“Last thing you said was, ‘Tell Lexi I love her’ and you told me I’d have to finish your story. We are so lucky, Ben, that the three of us got to eat ice cream today.” 

“Both of ya got brain freeze so I dunno--” 

“Don’t joke, Ben!” He looks up into his eyes and Ben stops, rabbit in headlights, frozen by the sadness in those deep pools of blue. “I never thought... not in a million years...” 

“I know, I know. Come here,” Ben wraps his arms around his neck and kisses his cheek. “Come on soppy, stick a fresh tissue in and let's get you back to bed, ey?” 

It’s a relief when Callum nods and stands up on shaky legs. All Ben wants is to get him out of the bright unforgiving light of the bathroom. He doesn’t remember saying it, that Callum would have to finish his story but he doesn’t need to remember, he’s already done it. He finished Paul’s story. Now he’s in Paul’s bathroom only it’s someone else’s now. Someone he-- 

He doesn’t want Callum to know the pain of losing. He should want him to find a better man to love, a man who won’t break his heart, who won’t leave him with a half-finished story. 

But Callum takes his hand and lets Ben lead the way back to bed and sits by his side and leans against him and he doesn’t know how he’ll ever let go. 

"I used to have 'em all the time as a kid,” he whispers, “Mick called me a little bleeder. _His_ little bleeder. I always...” his breath catches in his throat, “I always wished he was me dad to be honest.” 

“I’m glad you had him.” Ben rubs his thumb across his hand. 

“Me too,” Callum whispers, “Everyone should have someone.” 

"She's started calling me _dad_.” Ben hears the words and they shock him. “I... I was daddy and now...” 

"No that ain't... She’s just growing up, Ben, but you'll always be her daddy. That little girl, she adores you." 

Ben blinks back the tears settling in the corners of his eyes, "I love her so much." 

Callum squeezes his hand. "I know. Anyone could see that." 

He whispers, not trusting his voice, "If you keep telling me I ain't a shit dad I might just start believing it." 

"I'll say it every day then. You've done what so many blokes can't, you've broken the cycle, Ben, and I know that ain't easy but you done it with her." 

Ben nestles into the spot between his shoulder and his neck. "You have too, you know. Or you wouldn’t be here.” 

Callum mutters something and pushes Ben away gently, turning his back to remove the tissues and dispose of them in the bin. “I think it’s over.” 

It strikes at Ben’s heart. He wants to ask _Us or the nosebleed?_ But then he’s sitting on the bed and taking hold of Ben’s face and kissing him and he’s glad he didn’t say anything. 

The kiss is a slaughterhouse floor. Callum tastes _raw_ and Ben moans as he slips his metallic tongue into his mouth. It’s a reminder that they’re both bodies too and when he’s not thinking, when he’s nothing more than meat in his hands, he’s so fucking sure of this. He wants to feel sure of this. 

Callum undoes the belt of his robe and slides his hands inside, circling Ben’s bare waist as he kisses deeper. When Callum bites his bottom lip, he feels close to being devoured, the taste of blood on his tongue, his teeth in his flesh. He shuffles closer and Callum’s chest is still sticky despite his best efforts, some things never wash off. 

Callum breaks the kiss and holds Ben’s face in both hands. “I err... I can’t. I thought...” He shakes his head. “If my head weren’t banging I’d--” 

“Bang me again?” Ben interjects. 

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Ben strokes his hair and his face and he leans into his palm with a sigh. “This is gonna sound mental but... can we go for a walk? I just wanna get some fresh air, clear me head. You don’t have to come... it’s late and cold and we both could do with a shower and--” 

Ben shushes him. “Try and stop me.” 

Callum ducks his head and smiles. “Thanks Ben.” 

“No really, try and stop me. You know I like it when you put your hands on me.” Ben sways in his embrace and Callum holds him tight then brings him upright, sharply. 

“Yeah, Ben, I like it too. I like it so much I lost half the blood in my body out me left nostril.” 

Ben bumps his forehead against his chest, “Alright, stud, I’ll give you a break.” He looks up and kisses his chin. “Just let me jump in the shower, I’ll be ten minutes.” 

“I’d join ya but the steam would only set me off again.” 

“Mm... now you owe me one long, hot, steamy... can’t remember what I was on about...” 

Callum laughs and prods at him, it feels easy, natural, “Nine and a half minutes now...” 

Ben laughs, proper laughs because happiness is fleeting and if he’s feeling it, he wants to really feel it. He rolls out of bed and picks up his contact case and glasses on his way out of the room, not daring to look back at Callum, knowing that if he does, he’ll only have to kiss him again. 

The bathroom looks like a crime scene with the washcloth rinsed pink and bloody tissues scattered around which Ben scoops up and flushes. He takes a quick shower and as he’s towelling off notices drops of dark dry blood on the floor and wipes them up. 

He can still taste it in his mouth like a new penny under his tongue. 

He switches into his glasses and stops to look himself over in the mirror, roaming his hands over his body. Hungry kisses are blooming on his neck and his chin is red with beard burn, when he looks at himself, he sees Callum _everywhere._

Once he’s wrapped up again in his dressing gown, he wanders back to the bedroom and finds Callum sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxers with his clothes in his arms. “I’ll be a minute,” he announces and brushes past Ben as he goes. 

Ben watches him from the doorway, he can never resist a glimpse of him half naked, then gets dressed in his jeans and Callum’s jumper and they meet up in the living room. Callum puts on a big coat Ben’s never seen instead of his bomber and a bobble hat over his sex mussed hair. 

“You look fucking adorable,” Ben lifts onto his tiptoes to kiss his cheek. 

“Give over.” 

Ben untucks his fringe from the rim of his hat. “I will not.” 

“You look gorgeous in your glasses.” Ben looks down at his feet, he can _feel_ all the blood in body rushing to his cheeks. “Ah, see! You can dish it out but you can’t take it.” 

“Thought you was wanting to go on a walk before midnight.” 

He goes to pull away but Callum stops him and lifts his face with two fingers under his chin. “Ben Mitchell, you look gorgeous in your glasses.” 

“You’re a soppy git, d’you know that?” 

He scrunches his nose, “Yeah, but I reckon you don’t mind, really.” 

Ben turns and starts on the stairs but calls over his shoulder, “I reckon you’re right.” 

Outside is cold but there’s no bite in the air so they walk slowly. Callum takes Ben’s hand and leads the way, towards The Albert, Ben thinks but he comes to a stop in front of the War Memorial. It’s Saturday night so there’s a couple of young things sitting on the seat eating their chips and they turn and stare at him but lose interest when he looks right through them. 

A creeping sense of dread suffuses through Ben’s veins the longer they stand for and he finds himself looking over his shoulder, unsure of what he’s expecting to find but terrified of it all the same. It’s this place. It’s who’s in it. "Can we get out of Walford tomorrow?” He hears himself say. “I don't care where." 

Callum turns to him. “Yeah. Yeah, I think we should.” Ben looks around them and Callum moves them on with a heavy arm around his shoulder, bringing him close against his body as they walk. “The world's our oyster, innit?” 

Ben leans into him, "What does that mean anyway? Our _oyster_?” 

"I dunno. I think it means we're young and in.." he clears his throat, "and happy and it don't matter what's happening or what's gonna happen cos we can do anything." 

Ben smiles to himself. "So... Wanna go out for oysters?" 

"Erm... when I said _anything_." Callum ruffles Ben’s hair as they walk. "Nothing stopping us from going to Margate, is there?" 

"Tomorrow?" 

"Yeah. My mum took us down there a couple of times, me and Stu. I was tiny the first time, don't know why I remember it. It weren't November, some time in spring before it got too busy. Every time dad was being _funny_ , she'd take us somewhere. Until those days were more often than not." 

They reach the playground and Callum breaks away to sit on a swing with Ben standing at his side. 

"Last time we went... I just remember me and Stu got ice cream. It was weird, I was only a kid but I knew it was the last time. Sometimes you know and it's still too late." 

Ben holds onto the chain of the swing, something about the conversation making him feel woozy. "What did you do?" 

"We just enjoyed the day, you know?” He looks down at his feet. “You just... you make the most of it." 

"Tomorrow. We'll go to Margate. Walk along the beach. I...” Ben turns to face the same way as Callum so he’s not looking at his face. “We lived near the sea, back in South Africa. You could see every star in the sky at night and the water was always warm. I couldn’t stand it when I came ‘ere, thought I’d never get used to it.” 

“When we was old enough to go off on our own, me and Jay and Abi went to Brighton. We was meant to be _having it large_ ,” they both laugh and Callum shuffles his hand up the chain to enclose it over Ben’s. “But I mostly just... paddled and shit. Listened to the seagulls. I missed that, the sound of ‘em squawking. Or... or maybe I just missed home.” 

Callum grabs his coat and pulls him to between his knees with firm hands at his waist. “So that’s what we’ll do tomorrow then. Even if the weather's bad?" 

"It’s November, it’s gonna be shit weather but yeah. Yeah.” Ben runs his hands along Callum’s thighs. "Gonna take you to Margate, get you an ice cream, nice walk on the beach. Kiss you in the car." 

Callum laughs. "We should really try not to have sex in the car again.” 

Ben runs his hands under his coat. “Babe, why d’you think I’m driving us instead of going on the train?” 

“Nah seriously, Ben, it’s murder on my back.” He stifles a laugh because apparently Callum is deadly serious. “My legs were proper aching after last time. Maybe if we do it before we go it'll tide us over until we get home." 

Ben belly laughs and Callum swoons, clinging onto the chains of the swing as he leans back. "Alright deal. How’s your head?” 

“It’s fine now. Just feel a bit crap.” 

It’s overwhelming, the urge to protect him, make him feel loved and cared for. “Let’s get you home, come on,” Ben offers his hand to help him to his feet and they walk back to the flat in comfortable silence with their fingers interlaced. 

Ben has it all sorted in his head, they’ll stop off in the bathroom to brush their teeth and then he’ll bundle Callum up in bed, maybe lay him on his chest. All he wants is to hear Callum snoring softly, to know he’s safe and cosy. Only Lexi has ever brought this out in him before and he can't deny that he likes how it makes him feel. 

But there’s a figure outside the parlour, half slumped against the door. _Stuart._ Callum calls out to him, his voice pitchy with panic and he starts running, his hand torn from Ben’s, leaving him to trail behind. 

When he catches up, he hears Stuart explaining that he went out for chips and got locked out. He doesn’t look too drunk anymore more worn out and fucking miserable. 

Callum lets them in through the front door and all three of them stop in the foyer. “Look at you,” Stuart bounces the bobble on Callum’s hat in his palm and giggles, there’s an edge of hysteria to it that makes Ben step closer to his boyfriend’s side. “He never took this off, did ya? When you was little.” He’s talking to both of them at once but Ben doesn't respond. 

Callum smiles awkwardly and opens the door to the flat. “Come on, bruv.” 

“You don't know what it was like when the hot water got turned off with three blokes under the same roof. And we didn’t have much roof, did we bruv?” He mimes something stinking, wafting his hand under his nose, and Callum dips his head and grits his teeth. “Reckon that’s why he wore the hat. Hide his dirty hair.” 

“It weren’t!” He shouts but he’s still looking at the floor. When he looks up, Ben sees tears glistening in his eyes. “I just liked. It just made me feel better... secure or...” 

Ben shakes his head and he stops talking, “It’s late, can we...” he gestures up the stairs. 

“Late.” Stuart laughs. “So what? I hear you two, ya know. Every bloody night. You ain’t _sleeping._ Have you ever even had a conversation?” He shakes his brother’s arm and points right in Ben’s face. “Does he even care to get to know ya?” 

Callum reels backwards. “Don’t you dare speak about him that way!” 

“I know you’re in lo--” 

Callum lifts his hand and he shuts up. “Enough. I know you miss Rainie but you have to stop this. You’re embarrassing me.” 

Stuart falls against the wall, defeated by that one single word. _Embarrassing._ “Sorry bruv. I... Just, get up to bed, boys. It’s alright. It’s alright.” 

Callum puts a hand on Ben’s back and he understands, whatever he thinks about Stuart, he wants to do right by Callum. He starts up the stairs but pauses in the dark and turns back to see the brothers hugging and catches Stuart repeating a tired refrain that almost makes him miss a step, “I ain’t him.” 

Ben shakes out the duvet and plumps the pillows then strips down to his boxers and Callum’s jumper. He considers trying to listen in to their conversation but he knows he won’t be able to hear from upstairs and he also knows that Callum can handle this by himself. The pull to go stand by his side is there though, it’s ever present. It has been since the day they first talked. 

If Callum knows he was worried, he’ll only feel guilty so Ben settles down cross legged on the bed and waits. 

It’s only a few minutes later when Callum appears, hat in hand. In the doorway, he watches his brother and mutters another goodnight before Stuart goes into his own room and closes the door. 

“Come here, come here,” Ben ushers him over and Callum comes to sit on the edge of the bed. 

Ben wraps his arms around him from behind, “You know you can talk to me, right?” 

He nods, “I’ve known since... I’ve always known that.” 

Ben kisses his cheek and rests his chin on his shoulder. “What do you need?” 

"I fancy a cup of tea. Something to calm me nerves.” 

Ben squeezes him before he lets go. "I’ll get it, yeah? You just get changed.” 

He pads out into the kitchen and turns on the light. There's shit everywhere from Stuart trying to plate up his takeaway earlier in the night so Ben tidies up and leaves the dishes soaking. 

Callum appears in the doorway in boxer shorts and a t-shirt and leans against it to watch him for a moment with a soft smile. "Mmm..." He wanders over and wraps his arms around Ben's waist. "You don't need to do that..." 

Ben lets his head roll back against his chest, soaking in his warmth. "Good cos I can't for the life of me remember what I was doing now." 

Callum chuckles and his warm breath washes over Ben's face. 

"More..." Ben whispers. 

There's a beat and then Callum gets it, wrapping his arms tighter around Ben until he's squeezing him in his embrace. 

He cranes his neck to look at Ben’s face, "It ain't got in your head has it? What Stuart said." 

Ben runs his hands along Callum's arms. "Nah, you know I want to get to know you, yeah?" 

"Course I do. I reckon you know me pretty well." Callum rubs the side of his foot against Ben's. 

"Mmm... I like to think so." 

Ben turns in his arms and buries his face in his chest and Callum sways him slightly; a slow dance with no music in the low light of the kitchen. Outside there's laughter and the sound of high heels on concrete and Stuart is only behind a door. They're not the only people in the world, they didn't invent moving slowly in the arms of someone you adore late on a Saturday night. 

“I told him,” Callum runs his hands under Ben’s jumper and tickles his fingers along the small of his back. “I told him I ain’t going to apologise, not for any of it.” 

“Good, we can do...” he walks his fingers along Callum’s chest to punctuate his words, “anything... we... want.” 

A look of realisation crosses his face, “I wanna kiss you.” 

Ben throws his arms around his neck and kisses him. There's the tinge of blood and salt of tears but it's all Callum. He's surrounded by him here, filled with him. 

They aren't the first people to kiss in front of a sink full of dishes. These are ordinary moments, they're normal people. 

“Tomorrow we’ll go to the beach,” Ben says against his mouth, “it’s been a while since I had sand in me shoes.” 

Callum laughs softly. “And you’ll kiss me in the car.” He licks his lips and kisses Ben gently. 

“And we’ll get ice cream,” Ben scatters kisses across his jaw, “in November cos you’re a nutter.” 

He huffs out a laugh, “Takes one to know one.” 

Ben rolls back in his arms to look at his face and they take their time just looking. 

“And we’ll make the most of it,” Ben says quietly. 

Callum nods and pulls Ben against his broad chest and just like that, the world does disappear after all.

“Yeah,” Callum whispers, “Yeah, we’ll make the most of it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! And thank you for reading my other fics like truly I am just blown away by everyone's kindness. 
> 
> I'm sorry for the big gap, I've been feeling low and I didn't want that to come across in the chapter so I kept putting off posting.
> 
> I won't make any promises about a time frame for the next chapter but I'm going to make it my sole fic writing project because I don't want there to be another big gap.


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